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an important protest against climate change

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  • Mark Robinowitz
    *Nation s Snowmen March Against Global Warming* January 25, 2006 | Issue 42-04 WASHINGTON, DC - ”Braving balmy
    Message 1 of 1 , Feb 1, 2006
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      *Nation's Snowmen March Against Global Warming*

      January 25, 2006 | Issue 42-04 <http://www.theonion.com/content/index/
      4204>

      WASHINGTON, DC - ”Braving balmy temperatures and sunny skies,
      millions of
      scarfless snowmen and snowwomen gathered in cities across the world
      Tuesday
      to raise public awareness about the heavy toll global warming is
      taking on
      their health and well-being.

      [image: Nation's Snowmen March Against Global Warming]

      Snowmen from across the nation gather at the Washington Monument to
      protest
      global warming.

      According to organizers of marches in Washington, Atlanta, Montreal,
      Berlin,
      London, Reykjavik, and Moscow, global warming is the primary cause of
      the
      steep reduction in the snowman population throughout the Northern
      Hemisphere. Demonstrators worldwide called on their governments to
      take more
      aggressive steps to reduce the effects of climate change.

      Organizers estimated the crowd at more than 375,000, but D.C. Police
      Commissioner Charles Stacey estimated turnout at 30,000 whole
      snowmen, with
      scattered rounded abdomens accounting for an additional 5,000. Atlanta
      organizers and police agree that all demonstrators had melted by 11 a.m.

      Joe Centigrade, president of the Advocates For Beings Of Frozen
      Precipitation, spoke at a mass rally Tuesday on Washington's National
      Mall.

      "The unseasonably warm winters of the recent past are a clear
      indication of
      a real environmental threat to humans and their frozen simulacra," said
      Centigrade, his coals arranged in a frowning pattern. "As snowmen and
      snowwomen, we accept the inevitability of melting, but the actions of
      man
      are causing us to evaporate well before our time."

      Speakers at the Washington rally included a Chicago snowwoman who had
      lost
      three snowchildren to warm temperatures, the Rev. Jesse Jackson, and
      Larry
      Chilly, formerly a 6-foot-tall, triple-segmented Muncie, IN snowman,
      who had
      been reduced to a slushy head.

      Centigrade told the slowly melting snowcrowd that as recently as 15
      years
      ago, the average life span of a snowperson built in late December was
      three
      weeks to a month. Today, that same snowperson has an average life
      span of
      two weeks.

      Centigrade also recounted stories of once-jolly snowmen unable to
      keep their
      carrot noses in their fast-melting faces, and of others who were made of
      only two undersize segments.

      "In many regions of New England today, there's not even enough snow
      on the
      ground to make snowballs, much less a torso," Centigrade said. "Instead,
      some snowmen are stuck together with slush and leaves rather than pure,
      white snow. We must take steps now to end their suffering."

      Bearing signs with such slogans as "You Can't Build A Snowman With
      Rain" and
      "Winter = Life," the crystalline-ice protestors, many of whom had
      chartered
      refrigerated tractor-trailers and ice-cream trucks to travel to the mass
      protest, complained that popular stereotypes about snowmen obscure and
      trivialize the crisis.

      [image: Nation's Snowmen March Against Global Warming]

      Larry Chilly speaks out against mankind's global irresponsibility.

      "Humans sneer at us, 'If you want to stay intact, go to the North
      Pole and
      live with Santa,'" said Susie Flakeman, a Thunder Bay, Ontario snowwoman
      waiting in line with hundreds of others to use a Porta-Freezer. "But
      less
      than one-half of 1 percent of us ever receive that honor. Most of us
      end up
      victims of the scourge that almost killed Frosty: man-made climate
      change."

      The protest was largely peaceful, disrupted only by a disturbing
      incident in
      which one distraught snowman hurled himself into the reflecting pool
      of the
      National Mall. He suffered third-degree slush on over 90 percent of
      his body
      before rescuers could recover him. He was rushed to a local meat locker
      where he was pronounced melted on arrival.

      Some scientists refuted the snowbeings' claims regarding global warming.

      "Throughout history, the earth has endured periods of temperature
      fluctuation," said Dr. Harley Morrison, a biochemist who has advised
      President Bush on scientific issues. "Also, there have already been
      several
      major blizzards throughout North America this season alone. I made a
      snowman
      myself, and he lasted for several weeks."

      Late word arrived Tuesday evening that the Moscow protest was violently
      dispersed by riot police bearing hot-water hoses and snow blowers.
      Moscow
      officials said the snowmen were illegally blocking pedestrian traffic
      near
      the Kremlin and causing people to slip and fall in their slushy
      wakes. Snow
      leaders, including Centigrade, condemned the crackdown.

      "Those of us who remember the Icelandic anti-heated-sidewalk riots of
      the
      1980s know that the powers that be despise and fear snowmen who fight
      for
      their rights," Centigrade said. "They'd rather kill the messengers
      than face
      the fact that our ecosystems are changing irreparably. We're prepared to
      stay in D.C. as long as it takes until Congress agrees to listen to our
      demands."

      Before he could conclude his remarks, Centigrade's face slid off.
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