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Recovery, etc.

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  • Sharon
    Hi Everyone --I received this post privately today: Dear Sharon, I joined your group a few weeks ago, today I officially resigned from eckankar. Soon I
    Message 1 of 1 , Mar 1, 2001
      Hi Everyone --

      I received this post privately today:

      " Dear Sharon, I joined your group a few weeks ago, today I officially
      resigned from eckankar. Soon I will post to eckankartruth, for the
      moment I must deal with the reality of not belonging anymore.
      I thought this would be easy (ha), yesterday when I set this action into mo=
      tion, I felt a moment of
      regret, loneliness, from your posts and others this normal... God, it would=
      have been simplier to
      have stayed, no thoughts, let someone tell me what to think, how to believe=
      , and behave like a
      good little chela.
      I woke up...
      (Name deleted)
      ps: I will not blanket your mail box with a lot of whiny emails, and you ar=
      e welcomed to use this
      letter (sans name please) any way you wish. Thank you for this place. btw, =
      nearly 13 years...."


      Well, I've been tossing around a lot of thoughts about things that have bee=
      n posted here. I'm
      just, well...I just don't feel like
      posting. Lazy, talked out, or whatever...

      My first thought on helpful things for recovery was:

      Waterproof mascara.

      <ggg>

      I think when I left, I was too busy "ranting" at a.r.e. to think
      much about it. <ggg>

      But another thought I've had, is as cult members, we sort of get wrapped up=
      in the whole thing,
      and even though we're being basically "normal" people, well...it's like the=
      re's always a computer
      virus running in the background, and everything seems fine but it's not.

      I went through different stages, and I guess everyone does. One of the ear=
      liest things I did was
      make a *very* strong effort to "get the ECK out" ... It was just my habit t=
      o "hu" inside throughout
      the day,
      and just think "ecky" things. And of course, there's that "golden-tongued =
      wisdom" we're
      supposed to look for...and you know, thinking about that, it's not really "=
      golden tongued wisdom"
      we're trained to see. We're trained to become consumed with the "teachings=
      " of the cult and
      becoming, well...eckanborg. But...part of the teachings *lie* and tell us =
      how "independent" we
      are.

      One thing I did very early on was stop "huing" ... when I felt a "hu" comin=
      g on, I'd yell NO!! It's
      sort of too bad, because of itself it's a perfectly harmless thing, just a =
      meditative mantra or the
      way I used it most was just when I felt all filled with love & gratitude fo=
      r just about anything &
      everything, or also when there was any type situation that wasn't necessari=
      ly "pleasant" ... well
      heck I hu'd for just about everything.

      I switched to singing a Christian doxology that I'd often sort of alternate=
      with the hu throughout
      the day..."Praise God from whom all blessings flow..."

      And, a few months after leaving I got (or something) "inner" orders to go t=
      o the Catholic Church,
      which I did after not having been near catholicism for, gee...over 35 years=
      . Other than reading
      many Catholic saints & Thomas Merton during my eckyears. I had a beautiful=
      experience in
      Catholicism, still go to Mass sometimes, but as much as I *do* love Catholi=
      cism, the thoughts of
      becoming really involved in *any* religion, well...it doesn't work for me. =
      Also looked into SRF,
      but didn't "do" it. I think when I was an eckist, well...as we were taught=
      , the "eck" is everywhere
      so just about anything I studied anywhere got the "ecklabel" stuck on it. =
      And that's how the cult
      gets us... *everything* is "the eck". It's a copyrighted cult word, used t=
      o control & bind people to
      it.

      Anyway...I found a lot of helpful material on the websites I link to at my =
      own sites. Understanding
      what happened to us, and how it was done, helps.


      Whoops...I feel like I've pushed my "detractor mode" button again.

      Well, "recovery" from a cult is just like recovery from anything else... ca=
      r accident, marriage,
      broken bones, the pain of childbirth <g> ...

      Being lied to about something so important, well...that hurts a lot more. =
      And, it's something that
      affects all those other parts of our life, too. It's being lied to about o=
      ur very "beingness".

      And yes, whatever we feel is perfectly normal. That may be a little diffic=
      ult because the cult
      encourages a lot of possibly un-natural feelings, responses, emotions, etc.=
      and this I believe is in
      order to have members cultivate a certain "personality" that will hopefully=
      attract potential new
      members.

      Well...at this stage of my own "process" I look back on being a member as j=
      ust something very
      long ago and far away, and it's not really that important, and not somethin=
      g I even give much
      thought to anymore. Other than being very, very glad I'm out of it, and "m=
      yself" again.

      You know, there *have* been times when I too have thought it would have bee=
      n easier just to
      stay in. Then I think, wait a minute, it most certainly would *not* have b=
      een easier once I learned
      all those things MN doesn't want members to know, or even think about. And=
      I remember all the
      little questions I had over the years, and this feeling inside that, well..=
      .something wasn't quite
      right about some things. And how whenever I'd "question" or "doubt" I'd te=
      ll myself just what the
      cult wants us to think...that all our questions would be answered when we w=
      ere "ready", or any
      doubts/questions were put there by "the master", or any "renegade" thoughts=
      were KAL, or a
      dozen of things.

      Yes, it was *very* nice being on eckandrugs!

      But it is so much better being out! It wasn't the easiest thing
      in the world, but it was definitely worth it.

      Well...enough of the ramble!

      Bye for now!

      Love & Hugs,

      Sharon

      PS....you know, sometimes it might help to set deadlines for yourself. Lik=
      e I'd sort of set a
      deadling of being done with "detracting" on my 50th birthday, which gave me=
      two years. Well...I
      didn't get everything done I wanted to get done, and am certainly not "reti=
      ring" but, well...it's sort
      of different. And yes, depression is quite normal when there's a loss, an=
      d we *did* have a loss
      although it's a *good* one....so maybe decide hey, I'm going to totally wal=
      low in depression now
      & then, and that's okay. It's just mourning. And if we need to whine....w=
      e should whine!
      They're just "symptoms". They pass.
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