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Re: Grief and anger

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  • Sharon
    ... anger at the loss of time in the org and the betrayal of deep desires for spiritual liberation/understanding/commitment, etc.? ... Well, Anne, I ve been
    Message 1 of 4 , Nov 12, 2002
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      --- In eckankartruth@y..., "Anne Walton" <AnneWalton@c...> wrote:
      > How are folks here dealing with the residual feelings of grief and
      anger at the loss of time in the org and the betrayal of deep desires
      for spiritual liberation/understanding/commitment, etc.?
      >


      Well, Anne, I've been thinking about this one for awhile now...I've
      been out for four years now, so I feel differently today than I did
      when I first left.

      When I first left, well...I guess the main thing was those s.o.b.'s
      got really controlling, and anyone who knows me knows that's the
      wrong thing to do!! I was just totally disgusted at the cultic
      behavior, and also at the fact that those idiots, representing MN's
      viewpoint & mindset, were keeping up with the lies and deception
      and/or sticking their heads in the sand, insisting that the sky's not
      blue, it's a pukey green or something.

      And...I was upset more at the realization that they were all pushing
      really hard to con as many people as possible - at all levels, and
      this was more upsetting than any "personal" harm they were doing,
      mostly I guess because I don't really take a lot of things
      personally. Anger & grief weren't really issues with me - and
      they're not now. Now, although I find the Org and its borglings
      reprehensible and loathesome, it's just mostly not that important to
      my life.

      It's sort of like...okay, say you're out hiking and a bird flies
      overhead, and drops an unwelcome gift on your head. So you're
      momentarily grossed out, maybe letting loose a few epithets, on your
      way to the nearest creek to wash it off...but it's not that big of a
      deal in your whole life.

      I didn't really have any desires or anything when I joined, except I
      had a few questions and believed the crap in the teachings that said
      all my questions would be answered. Well...duh, I should have known
      better, because my questions weren't even that big of a deal, nothing
      really "secret" or anything - but they were never answered. And I
      don't think I was in the cult that long when I realized no one else
      had any idea what I was talking about, but I stayed anyway because
      I'd let myself be conned by the other stuff.

      In life, it seems there's always one thing or another to deal with,
      and no one thing is that particularly important to me - I mean, like
      one day you'll stub your toe, and the next day your car won't start,
      but inbetween there's lot of joy & fun to be had!! So, when I was in
      the cult I was basically still "me" with a non-cult life - okay, so
      the cult had me seeing everything through foggy blue sunglasses and
      sticking that ecklabel on everything, plus there were my own feelings
      of how the heck did *I* get "chosen", no real desire to get all them
      thar peachy-keen initiations, and a lot of other things. To be
      honest, most of the time I don't really identify with a lot of the
      things other former members tell me they're feeling, but I can still
      sort of understand.

      Just had an odd thought pop into my head - I wonder if that
      delightful full-moon nekkid pagan Samhain ritual I did shortly after
      I left was a big influence in my recovery?

      Anyway, for all those years in the cult it was the same old bullshit,
      just piled higher & deeper with each new discourse & book. Didn't
      recognize it for what it was at the time, but that's okay - I dug
      myself out, the bullshit is composting nicely, and I'm taking time
      off from gardening. <ggg>

      Maybe this isn't a very good answer, but generally I sort of
      just "do" and then afterwards try to figure it out, but usually by
      that time it's not really that important.

      Hugs,

      Sharon
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