Re: Grief and anger
- --- In eckankartruth@y..., "Anne Walton" <AnneWalton@c...> wrote:
> How are folks here dealing with the residual feelings of grief andanger at the loss of time in the org and the betrayal of deep desires
for spiritual liberation/understanding/commitment, etc.?
>Well, Anne, I've been thinking about this one for awhile now...I've
been out for four years now, so I feel differently today than I did
when I first left.
When I first left, well...I guess the main thing was those s.o.b.'s
got really controlling, and anyone who knows me knows that's the
wrong thing to do!! I was just totally disgusted at the cultic
behavior, and also at the fact that those idiots, representing MN's
viewpoint & mindset, were keeping up with the lies and deception
and/or sticking their heads in the sand, insisting that the sky's not
blue, it's a pukey green or something.
And...I was upset more at the realization that they were all pushing
really hard to con as many people as possible - at all levels, and
this was more upsetting than any "personal" harm they were doing,
mostly I guess because I don't really take a lot of things
personally. Anger & grief weren't really issues with me - and
they're not now. Now, although I find the Org and its borglings
reprehensible and loathesome, it's just mostly not that important to
It's sort of like...okay, say you're out hiking and a bird flies
overhead, and drops an unwelcome gift on your head. So you're
momentarily grossed out, maybe letting loose a few epithets, on your
way to the nearest creek to wash it off...but it's not that big of a
deal in your whole life.
I didn't really have any desires or anything when I joined, except I
had a few questions and believed the crap in the teachings that said
all my questions would be answered. Well...duh, I should have known
better, because my questions weren't even that big of a deal, nothing
really "secret" or anything - but they were never answered. And I
don't think I was in the cult that long when I realized no one else
had any idea what I was talking about, but I stayed anyway because
I'd let myself be conned by the other stuff.
In life, it seems there's always one thing or another to deal with,
and no one thing is that particularly important to me - I mean, like
one day you'll stub your toe, and the next day your car won't start,
but inbetween there's lot of joy & fun to be had!! So, when I was in
the cult I was basically still "me" with a non-cult life - okay, so
the cult had me seeing everything through foggy blue sunglasses and
sticking that ecklabel on everything, plus there were my own feelings
of how the heck did *I* get "chosen", no real desire to get all them
thar peachy-keen initiations, and a lot of other things. To be
honest, most of the time I don't really identify with a lot of the
things other former members tell me they're feeling, but I can still
sort of understand.
Just had an odd thought pop into my head - I wonder if that
delightful full-moon nekkid pagan Samhain ritual I did shortly after
I left was a big influence in my recovery?
Anyway, for all those years in the cult it was the same old bullshit,
just piled higher & deeper with each new discourse & book. Didn't
recognize it for what it was at the time, but that's okay - I dug
myself out, the bullshit is composting nicely, and I'm taking time
off from gardening. <ggg>
Maybe this isn't a very good answer, but generally I sort of
just "do" and then afterwards try to figure it out, but usually by
that time it's not really that important.