Loading ...
Sorry, an error occurred while loading the content.

3107Re: death of hope

Expand Messages
  • swallow472000
    Jun 4, 2003
    • 0 Attachment
      --- In eckankartruth@yahoogroups.com, samorez@a... wrote:
      > In a message dated 6/1/2003 12:06:58 AM Pacific Standard Time,
      > freespiritmay@y... writes:
      >
      > > Just got drunk again...that Kubler Ross woman keeps pushing in to
      my
      > > head. I reckon them stages of dying start when we get
      born...Truth is
      > > that life here is a pile of shit then you die...everythig else
      is
      > > just trying to buy some time...Someone once said to me 'if you
      want
      > > to survive here then you gotta let go of hope...its one day at
      at a
      > > time, the rest is bullshit.' Life takes on a cold reality when
      you
      > > hear yourself saying the same to another. It comes back to
      first
      > > cause...survival...I get to pull this sack of shit of a body out
      of
      > > bed one more time. I keep making bargains with some unknowing
      > > unfeeling entity who doesnt exist...'I will be good if you let
      me
      > > live.' No way the voice comes back I will scatter your bones or
      your
      > > ashes along with your memories...all your good deeds and all
      your bad
      > > doings I will trash. I spent the last thirty years trying to
      find a
      > > way around that reality...stupid me thought another sack of shit
      > > might have the key to escape. jimmi
      > >
      > >
      >
      > This is part of my story...
      >
      > Although my father wasn't alcoholic or even abusive, he was absent.
      Paul
      > Twitchell
      > filled in my father longing. Simply, I used Eckankar to deal with
      The Pain of
      > being alive. In the beginning it was effective and fun. Inevitably,
      the
      > Shadow
      > grew larger than the Mahanta and I found the effectiveness of
      chemicals
      > surpassed that of chanting HU.
      >
      > I think that people seek out thespiritual life as either as result
      of mature
      > discrimination (Buddha's story being the most well-known example)
      or they come
      > bleeding and wounded inside, seeking refuge and succor. And, THEY
      GET IT, at
      > least initially. But, eventually, just like the alcoholic or drug
      addict who
      > finds they can no longer get loaded (read, "high, read "pain-free")
      it stops
      > working. Why? IMO, it is because emotional trauma, deep wounds,
      cannot be
      > bypassed, circumvented, or outgrown. It does not get better with
      time, it just
      > patiently waits. It was only when I found the courage to turn away
      from
      > "going higher" and turn "downward" to face and slay the demons that
      still
      > haunted me, could I find release. Nobody kills your demons but you.
      Even
      > the mighty Mahanta is powerless.
      >
      > Honestly, my leaving Eckankar was more because of my behavior than
      in our
      > well discussed revelations regarding Paul, Darwin, etal. There was
      no
      > anger at all, I just couldn't do it anymore in good conscience. It
      was
      > only well into my recovery that I read Lane and came to understand
      how I
      > was so vulnerable to being led by the nose. How I was just this
      little boy
      > in this big body looking for the love he never got. I'm not blaming
      anyone.
      > It's just the way it was.
      >
      > Drug pushers, cults, bars, porno shops, ice cream parlors, shopping
      malls,
      > buffets, casinos, Don Juans, movie producers, etc, etc, all
      understand people's
      > need for distraction, the need for Pain Relief.
      >
      > Alas, the only way out of The Pain is thru The Pain. :(
      >
      > But what freedom on the other side!
      >
      > Jimmi, I am not putting you in this category. Only you can determine
      > that. FWIW, I've haven't found it necessary to get drunk or high
      since 1986
      > and it has made all the difference for someone like me.
      >
      > Orez
      >
      > "We sit outside and argue all night long, about a god we've never
      seen but
      > never fails to side with me"..........Chris O'Connor, aka primitive
      radio
      > gods
      >
      >
      >
      > Back on the sober-side again (gawd its so boring). Your post got me
      thinking Orez...Something about absent fathers hit a nail for me. My
      old man was there but he wasnt really present, he did his duty, went
      out to work, made sure we got fed and clothed ect...I reckon
      something in him never came back from the war...He had been a flyer
      in the RAF...had done the full tour...shot down...crash landed, here
      there and everywhere and survived. I used to think that maybe it was
      his journey through the fear and pain that made live in his silent
      shell until I met another man...I worked with him decades ago, he had
      been a prisoner of the japanese on the Burma railway and survived the
      horrors. I used to ask him about his experieces...I was a nosey kid
      back then...I never forgot what he said one day "I was never more
      alive than when I was surrounded by death,and it could be mine turn
      at any moment." Back then that didnt mean anything to me...but now I
      see that these guys were dying of boredom, there safe lives were now
      detrimental to
      them.

      I reckon thats my real reason for getting out of ekar...I
      woke up one day and found myself servicing sheep heaven...Klemps idea
      of hevean...The Farm...and him the good shepherd...I realized then
      that I was really a wolf in sheeps clothes...wolves began to appear
      in my paintings, wolves in lightbeams, some eckies tried to put eck-
      spin on those pictures...but now I know my inner artist was
      spotlighting me. I looked around and saw them nibbling at
      nothing...all the energy was gone. Klemp used to say often to the
      effect that if you didnt move when the energy moved you got left
      behind...A self-fulfilling prohecy for
      him.
      Seems I only hit the bottle when I'm bored maybe..as for fear
      and pain Ive been there to many times to want anymore. jimmi
      > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
    • Show all 7 messages in this topic