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The Hungarian Phrasebook Sketch

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  • dantreble
    The Hungarian Phrasebook sketch from Monty Python s Flying Circus Set: A tobacconist s shop. Text on screen: In 1970, the British Empire lay in ruins, and
    Message 1 of 2 , Mar 31, 2006
      The Hungarian Phrasebook sketch from Monty Python's Flying

      Set: A tobacconist's

      Text on screen: In 1970, the British Empire lay in ruins,
      and foreignn nationalists frequented the streets - many of them
      Hungarians (not the streets - the foreign nationals). Anyway,
      many of these Hungarians went into tobacconist's shops to
      buy cigarettes....

      A Hungarian tourist (John Cleese) approaches the clerk
      (Terry Jones). The tourist is reading haltingly from a
      phrase book.

      Hungarian: I will not buy this record, it is scatched.

      Clerk: Sorry?

      Hungarian I will not buy this record, it is scratched.

      Clerk: Uh, no, no, no. This is a tobacconist's.

      Hungarian: Ah! I will not buy this *tobacconist's*, it is

      Clerk: No, no, no, no. Tobacco...um...cigarettes
      holds up a pack).

      Hungarian: Ya! See-gar-ets! Ya! Uh...My hovercraft is
      full of eels.

      Clerk: Sorry?

      Hungarian: My hovercraft (pantomimes puffing a cigarette)...
      is full of eels (pretends to strike a match).

      Clerk: Ahh, matches!

      Hungarian: Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Do you waaaaant...do you waaaaaant...
      to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?

      Clerk: Here, I don't think you're using that thing right.

      Hungarian: You great poof.

      Clerk: That'll be six and six, please.

      Hungarian: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it
      against me? I...I am no longer infected.

      Clerk: Uh, may I, uh...(takes phrase book, flips through it)...
      Costs six and six...ah, here we are. (speaks weird
      Hungarian-sounding words) Hungarian punches the clerk.

      Meanwhile, a policeman (Graham Chapman) on a quiet street cups
      his ear as if hearing a cry of distress. He sprints for many
      blocks and finally enters the tobacconist's.

      Cop: What's going on here then?

      Hungarian: Ah. You have beautiful thighs.

      Cop: (looks down at himself) WHAT?!?

      Clerk: He hit me!

      Hungarian: Drop your panties, Sir William; I cannot wait 'til
      lunchtime. (points at clerk)

      Cop: RIGHT!!! (drags Hungarian away by the arm)

      Hungarian: (indignantly) My nipples explode with delight!

      Scene switches to a courtroom. Characters are all in powdered
      wigs and judicial robes, except publisher and cop.

      Judge: Terry Jones
      Bailiff: Eric Idle
      Lawyer: John Cleese
      Cop: Graham (still)
      Publisher: Michael Palin

      Bailiff: Call Alexander Yalt!
      (voices sing out the name several times)

      Judge: Oh, shut up!

      Bailiff: (to publisher) You are Alexander Yalt?

      Publisher: (in a sing-songy voice) Oh, I am.

      Bailiff: Skip the impersonations. You are Alexander

      Publisher: I am.

      Bailiff: You are hereby charged that on the 28th day of May,
      1970, you did willfully, unlawfully, and with malice
      of forethought,publish an alleged English-Hungarian
      phrase book with intent to cause a breach of the peace.
      How do you plead?

      Publisher: Not guilty.

      Bailiff: You live at 46 Horton Terrace?

      Publisher: I do live at 46 Horton terrace.

      Bailiff: You are the director of a publishing company?

      Publisher: I am the director of a publishing company.

      Bailiff: Your company publishes phrase books?

      Publisher: My company does publish phrase books.

      Bailiff: You did say 46 Horton Terrace, did you?

      Publisher: Yes.

      Bailiff: (strikes a gong) Ah! Got him!
      (lawyer and cop applaud, laugh)

      Judge: Get on with it, get on with it.

      Bailiff: That's fine. On the 28th of May, you published
      this phrase book.

      Publisher: I did.

      Bailiff: I quote on example. The Hungarian phrase meaning
      "Can you direct me to the station?" is translated
      by the English phrase, "Please fondle my bum."

      Publisher: I wish to plead incompetence.

      Cop: (stands) Please may I ask for an adjournment,

      Judge: An adjournment? Certainly not!
      (the cop sits down again, emitting perhaps the longest
      and loudest release of bodily gas in the history of
      the universe.)

      Judge: Why on earth didn't you say WHY you wanted an

      Cop: I didn't know an acceptable legal phrase, m'lord.
      (cut to ancient footage of old women applauding)

      Judge: (banging + swinging gavel) If there's any more
      stock film of women applauding, I'll clear the court.
    • erik kruger
      . There is no question of giving up criticism, but of taking note of the fact that the democratic world endlessly makes promises that it does not keep.
      Message 2 of 2 , Apr 3, 2006

        "There is no question of giving up criticism, but of taking note of the fact that the democratic world endlessly makes promises that it does not keep. It is in the name of these promises, then, that one should perhaps criticize it, in the name of the present, the subversive potential of such an attitude being more powerful than was formerly believed to be found in the future, or currently in the past."
        --from Luc Ferry and Alain Renaut's French Philosophy of the Sixties: An Essay on Antihumanism.

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