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9812My Uncle's Metaphysics

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  • dantreble
    Jan 23, 2006
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      -also from Cruel Shoes


      MY UNCLE'S METAPHYSICS

      My uncle was the one who developed and expounded
      a system of cosmology so unique and unexpected, that
      it deserves to be written down; his papers were
      destroyed by fire. I am reconstructing his philosophy
      from memory as he told it to me on my birthdays and
      other such holidays. We would be sipping lemonade,
      perhaps, and he would begin to rock and peer at the
      sky on those cool afternoons, and with a slow drawl,
      begin to explain in the cleanest logic why the sky
      existed, why the universe was the source of all
      information yet unknown, and how each star in every
      galaxy could be plotted and predicted in three
      dimensional space by a three dimensional number system.
      Then he would explain to me his numerical device called
      random mathematics, where any equation could be
      unbalanced for any reason that existed. With it, he
      predicted to the minute the gestation period of the
      white giraffe.

      As the afternoon rolled on, he fluently spoke
      philosophy and lost all inhibitions of language,
      explaining complex ideas with gestures, it seemed.
      He expressed how sorry he was that I had ever heard
      the word GOD, and then said something about M39.
      (Later I discovered that this was a method of
      numbering the galaxies.)


      --- In deathtoreligion@yahoogroups.com, "devasma" <devasma@y...>
      wrote:
      >
      > Exactly
      >
      >
      > -- In deathtoreligion@yahoogroups.com, dantreble <no_reply@y...>
      > wrote:
      > >
      > > -from Steve Martin's Cruel Shoes
      > >
      > >
      > > THE BORING LEADING THE BORED
      > >
      > > (Reprinted from "Boredom Magazine")
      > >
      > >
      > > "Well,I never!" said Mrs. Watkins. The meeting of the
      > > College Council on Metaphysics then applauded her and
      > > stood up cheering. Of course, some of the old-school
      > > existentialists humbugged it, but nevertheless, the
      > > response was overwhelmingly positive. Then Mrs. Jenkins
      > > shouted over the crowd, "That woman never ceases to
      > > amaze me." The logicians and the semanticists gloated
      > > and looked anxiously over to the metphysicians to see
      > > their reaction to the carefully planted "never ceases"
      > > insertion. Mrs. Jenkins obviously had been working for
      > > the logicians to arouse insurrection among the three or
      > > four Zeno partisans. But suddenly Dr. Walker, who had
      > > been a recluse professor for almost 20 years, stood up.
      > > With the crowd instantly silenced by his commanding and
      > > unexpected rising, he uttered something so incredibly
      > > unutterable, so impossible, so unsolvable, that the mass
      > > of philosophy started heaving right and left and dying
      > > on the spot, blood bursting from their ears in an
      > > astounding death agony.
      > >
      > >
      > >
      > > --- In deathtoreligion@yahoogroups.com, "devasma" <devasma@y...>
      > > wrote:
      > > >
      > > > Thanks, it is one of my many talents. And if, by some rare
      > chance,
      > > > you are saying I am boring, I agree.
      > > >
      > > > devas, boringer than you
      > > >
      > > > --- In deathtoreligion@yahoogroups.com, rj sundseth
      > > > <rj_sundseth@y...> wrote:
      > > > >
      > > > > R.J.: Congratulations on calling the kettle black.
      > > > >
      > > > > devasma <devasma@y...> wrote: I'm definitely not doing
      > anything
      > > > to change it. See, I just don't
      > > > > care. I come here for comic relief more than anything. And
      > > > secretly
      > > > > I'm in love with the all mighty leader bean.
      > > > >
      > > > > ...jesus built my hotrod...
      > > > > devas
      > > > >
      > > > > --- In deathtoreligion@yahoogroups.com, rj sundseth
      > > > > <rj_sundseth@y...> wrote:
      > > > > >
      > > > > > devas: "I'm always complaining about this board being
      > > boring
      > > > > and lacking
      > > > > > interesting debate."
      > > > > > R.J.: It seems as though you're not doing much in the
      way
      > > of
      > > > > trying to change that. However, I would be willing to discuss
      > > > > anything that you deem not "boring" or "lacking interesting
      > > debate."
      > > > > >
      > > > > >
      > > > > >
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