Another Sunday night
- The saga of mort has tooken a
...gone for a shit.
I had a great time at my step-sister's wedding yesterday, drinked a
bunch but BEHAVED myself and had a biig grin on my face when I got
home, then the sprog went ahead and spoiled it all by saying something
stupid like I love you.
<cue Frank Sinatra music>
Oh wait, that's not how it went, she backtalked and bitched at me and
made me FUCKING YELL AT HER till my eyeballs bulged.
THEN THE S/A WHO WASN'T even involved till I started screaming, took
THE FUCKING COW CUNT PRINCESSesess side. I flipped on 'em both. SHE is
grounded IN HER ROOM till Sept 3rd and then I packed a backpack and
stoopid thin little blanket to run away from home at about 10 at night
(can't fucking drive right?) but wasn't *allowed* out the door. At
that point I gots sleepy and fell asleep.
This morning I checked to see what I packed to start my new life as a
hobo and it was quite amusing. Inside were my wallet (credit cards
are a must when living the hobo life, my downers (Clonazepams..a
given), about 360 thousand super plus tampons because I am BLEEDING
LIKE A STUCK PIG, one very skimpy pj top and strangely enough a pj
bottom from another set. Obviously I am not a fashion-savvy hobo. Two
bottles of water (which surprised me) and digging deeper, a bottle of
1/2 and 1/2 vod and iced tea. Which I drank as soon as I found it
burp, my tootbrush and paste, my deo dorANT. A BUNGY CORD DON"T AXE ME
WHY and a pen. A roll of tp, some tylenols for those annoying
hangovers fuck the liver, and a ball of string. All important to the
traveling hobo, apparently. Oh, and my mini-maglite in case I had to
AND more importantly, when I crawled out of bed I was dressed in
multi-layers of undies, shorts, pants, two shirts, two pairs of socks
and MY JACKET! No wonder I was dying of heat prostration. Luckily, I
packed a vod/tea bottle to alleviate that when I awoke..
I have abandoned my plans to become a hobo for now but at least I know
what to pack.
- Hey I have a great idea! I live on 30 acres of mostly second growth
forested land. I could probably live back there and sneak back
regularly to rifle the fridge and stuff. They would never know, except
for the excess hair in the electric razor!
And the missing beer!
And the cheese!
Imagine! Being a hobo in my OWN BACK YARD!
Do you! think I use the *!* key too much?!
I could leave a calling card like a large runny shit on the welcome
mat and they would NEVER EVER know who did it!
Oh I like this, I do.
Notice how I packed NO food on my trip to hobo-land? Well,unless you
consider vod and tea food.
THAT'S what the credit cards were for. Mind you now that I have
replanned The Plan and am going to camp out in the back 30, I guess
the credit cards will be obsolete. HEY! I could break into the
NEIGHbor'sessses houses and take THEIR beer and cheese, too.
the princess is still ensconced in her room (till you know.. Sept 3rd)
and the unit stepped out for smokes (damn squirrel-smoking non-PETA
bastard) While he is gone, I should just PRETEND I have become a hobo
and hide in the closet and when all the cops and psychics and stuff
have gone away I can make him SHIT HIS KNICKERS by jumping out and
screeching "ALIMONY" at him. The nekkidness/strap-on thermos/Nixon
mask would be enough_I know, but girls just want to have fun...and I just
to get a digital camera.
Oh and today my daughter and I went on a looong walk in the back
thirty to visit the Pet Semetary and I see some fuckair dug up the
for you ppl not familiar with the story.
So...I am MAJORLY
drunk now. For the chicken..you know.
So we spent like two hours writing EVEEERY NAME of EVEERRRY mouse that
we ever had that *MYSTeriously* died on rocks (well they didn't DIE on
rocks, we planted them then put ROCKS on top of them then wrote their
names after we pelted them) beez we never got around to it till now.
No they didn't spend the whole time in my freezer, but you know.
Or maybe you don't.
So we were sitting there contemplating life and death in general in
the Pet Semetary when WHO did we see spying spying spying at us but...
a buncha cows. They were there before us but I was carrying a red
bucket (to gather things~ you never know what drippy thing that you
can find that needs a bucket to carry) and they started to SURROUND
us. I MOOOED in their general diRECtion and they RAN to the red bucket
because I obviously said *free food here*. I was chased around the
forest by the killer cows for many reasons but the two main reasons were:
1. cow snot dripping outta their collective already-wet noses and
B. the large cloud of flies encircling their anusesesss
Must remember to stay at the front end.
- I'd have to agree, from past experience (*) that the drippy snot
nosed end is far better than the fly infested anus end.
(*) long story short-
-me eight years old,
-trip with parents to farm,
-wanted to check out the cows,
-entered through wrong door (read, leading to the ass ends),
-at a very bad time walked past a cow with both diarerra and
-fortunately we had a change of clothes in the car for me,
-I don't remember a thing, for my own sanity, I've blocked it out
of my memory,
-Oddly, I really like steak and hamburgers.