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A Return to Hope part 1

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  • lucisept61
    You want to lengthen this, right? Well, for starters, you give us some idea of the age of the main character. Why is he going for a run in a place he
    Message 1 of 490 , Jun 5, 2001
      You want to lengthen this, right? <br><br>Well,
      for starters, you give us some idea of the age of the
      main character. Why is he going for "a run" in a place
      he has apparently never been to before? Did he just
      talk to his grandfather for instructions or was that
      years ago? <br><br>You talk about a rope that "might
      have been put there by dad when he was my age." Rope
      swings for ponds are usually put up by kids about 12
      years of age. The romance that follows doesn't support
      that age for our hero. The lovely stuff about the
      initials on the tree seems to be slashed-tortured-and
      cheapened by the passionate kisses of total strangers that
      follows.<br><br>We need more teases in a good romance.<br><br>To
      start, your hero could step out onto his grandfather's
      porch carrying his shoes. Barely awake, he is thinking
      he is sneaking out for an early run while his
      grandfather sleeps. What's this? There is a bewitching beauty
      giving an envelope to his grandfather who is sitting in
      the porch swing. He is so surprised, and not really
      awake enough to respond, that the beauty disappears
      before he can speak.<br><br>His grandfather teases him
      about having his tongue hanging out, but seems a little
      mysterious about the envelope. Our hero notices that the
      envelope is yellowed and the writing looks old-fashioned
      before his grandfather tucks it in his pocket. Acting
      casual your hero chats with his grandfather about a good
      route for his run. <br><br>Then your story has some
      depth. We care about the main character. We may even
      know why he is there.<br><br>You have too much kissing
      too and much "I love you" WAY too soon. No girl worth
      her salt is going to believe "I love you, I really
      love you," if she has just met you and she is looking
      great in a bikini. We want Chloe to be better than
      that. We want our hero to be better than that. He needs
      to fight to control his response, she needs to push
      him away because he's a stranger and probably not
      staying in town.<br><br>Anyway, that's my opinion. BTW, I
      just joined the club yesterday, so I'm untried here,
      but since no one else was responding I'm gambling
      that you will at least appreciate having someone care
      about what you wrote.<br><br>You show a lot of promise,
      and have some really good writing in your story. I
      wish you luck in your effort to impress those
      publishers.
    • leefstrong
      Ever tried A Canticle for Leibowitz ? Catholic in orientation (in case you find that a problem - I don t), but well done. There s also a friend of C.S. Lewis
      Message 490 of 490 , Mar 19, 2002
        Ever tried "A Canticle for Leibowitz"? Catholic in orientation (in
        case you find that a problem - I don't), but well done.

        There's also a friend of C.S. Lewis named Charles Williams. He
        influenced Lewis (you can see the changes as the space
        trilogy developed, particulalry in the last book, "That Hideous
        Strength.") Williams was never as popular as Lewis and their buddy
        Tolkein, and he is a tougher read, but he might be of interest.

        Good luck!

        --- In christianfictionwriter@y..., donadornan wrote:
        > I used to be into the whole Sci-Fi/Fantasy genre.
        > I loved Lawhead's work especially. But lately, I
        > just have a hard time finding anything that is really
        > Christian in that genre. Any suggestions you could give
        > would be appreciated.<br><br>God bless,<br><br>Dave
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