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It wasn't supposed to happen. I did everything you were 'supposed' to do: midwife, childbirth classes, walking labour, showers, birthing ball, I even belly-danced up until my due date. C-sections were what happened to women who 'gave up'. I never give up. Was I weak? I was already doubting myself because I 'succumbed' to an epidural after hours of off-the-chart labour (I told myself it was OK because when they did monitor the contractions, they literally could not be measured because they were so strong, and I would be too weak otherwise to push) It still felt awful that I said yes.

I remember the sobbing starting when the words were uttered after this long, unfruitful labour, and then my baby's heart rate dropping drastically when the broke my water to see if that would work. Emergency.

I was depressed for a long time - I am still sad and working through it. I was tired and angry at people telling me to “look, you have a beautiful child and he is happy and healthy” “Fifty years ago, you could have died.” I know darn well he is beautiful and healthy and I know how lucky we are; I wanted someone to acknowledge my feelings of inadequacy, of loss. I didn't give birth to my child; he was surgically removed from me. I will mourn this for a long time.

This forum is for all women who need to talk about their experiences and work through the very real emotions that come with it.

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