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April Fools Brunch

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  • buffalos3@webtv.net
    Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch Well I just advanced all my clocks to conform to DST even got
    Message 1 of 1 , Apr 1, 2001
      Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
      name is Buffalo and I have the watch

      Well I just advanced all my clocks to conform to DST even got
      the microwave and the VCR set to flash 1:00 for the next six
      Today is also April Fools Day but I am not going to pull
      anything this year. As April first marks the end of the on
      street parking ban, I took the Cadillac to the car wash today.
      The shine lasted for almost a mile before I hit a wet spot and
      covered the car with leftover road salt. At least I got the mud
      washed off from being stuck in yard. Another spring sight is the
      opening of Dairy Queen and I just had to stop for a small
      dipped cone. Yep spring is here.
      I have had a rash of people trying to subscribe using their home
      address i.e. 4365 Hubble drive Chicago Ill. They are probably
      still wondering why I don't send them jokes. Yes everyone email
      is required because the buffalo doesn't use the Post Office.

      Hope you enjoy the chips.


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      Army Chips

      After volunteering to fight for his country Zimmerman joined his unit
      queued up for his uniform. As equipment was issued in strict
      order Zimmerman found himself at the back of the queue. By the time he
      reached the desk all the uniforms had been issued. There were none
      Zimmerman was issued with a badge that said "soldier" in red letters.
      "You didn't want a scratchy old uniform anyway," the quartermaster
      "Join the queue for your rifle."
      Zimmerman joined the back of the rifle queue.
      When he reached the front Zimmerman found that all the rifles had been
      distributed and thet, once again, there were none left.
      "You don't want to kill people anyway," said the quartermaster. "I'll
      you with a stick and you can shout Bang Bang!" "Thank you," said
      and joined the queue for bayonets.
      Once again, on reaching the desk Zimmerman was disappointed. The
      quartermaster issued him with a lollipop stick with the advice that he
      should shout "Sticky-sticky" when using it.
      And so on.
      Within weeks Zimmerman found himself on the front lines
      shouting "Bang-bang"
      for all he was worth. On his second day the enemy began a mass
      advance. One
      by one Zimmerman's section were killed or wounded until only Zimmerman
      himself remained standing. "Bang-bang!" he shouted, and was amazed to
      his foes still falling. Soon they began to overwhelm his trench and
      Zimmerman began to stab wildly with his lollipop stick. "Sticky-
      Sticky-sticky." Astoundingly it worked.
      The enemy were dying at his feet. The survivors began to retreat.
      All, that is, with the exception of one man who was only half way
      no-man's land and was still advancing slowly.
      Zimmerman took careful aim with his stick-rifle and calmly
      said; "Bang."
      The enemy soldier continued his advance.
      "Bang-bang, bang-bang, bangedy-bang-bang-bang," Zimmerman yelled
      Still he came. Before he could reach the trench Zimmerman leapt up
      and ran
      at him with the lollipop stick. "Sticky-sticky, he said. And then
      "Stab-stab-stab," for good measure. The enemy soldier refused to die
      stared at Zimmerman defiantly.
      By now Zimmerman had had enough. "Wait a minute, " he said. "When I
      'Bang' your comrades died, but not you. When I engaged them in hand-
      combat with my lollipop stick they fell over dead, but not you. What
      "I'm a tank, " said Zanker.


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      Crime Chips

      After a two week criminal trial in a very high profile bank
      robbery case, the judge turns to the jury foreman and
      asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

      "Yes, we have, your honor," The foreman responded.

      "Would you please pass it to me," The judge declared, as
      he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip
      from the foreman and deliver it to him.

      After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the
      verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the
      foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your
      verdict to the court."

      "We find the defendant Not Guilty of all four counts of
      bank robbery," stated the foreman. The family and
      friends of the defendant jump for joy at the verdict and
      hug each other as they shout expressions of divine

      The man´s attorney turns to his client and asks, "So,
      what do you think about that?"

      The defendant, with a bewildered look on his face, and
      then turns to his attorney and says, "I´m confused... does
      this mean that I have to give all the money back?"


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      Irish Chips

      A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the
      women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly
      complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food
      is terrible. It´s too hot. It´s too cold. The accommodations
      are awful.

      The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney
      Stone. "Good luck will be followin´ ya all your days if you
      kiss the Blarney Stone,"he guide said. "Unfortunately, it´s
      being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it.
      Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

      "We can´t be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted.
      "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess
      we can´t kiss the stupid stone."

      "Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss
      someone who has kissed the stone, you´ll have the same
      good fortune."

      "And I suppose you´ve kissed the stone," the woman

      "No, ma´am," the frustrated guide said, "but I´ve sat on


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      Boss Chips

      Mr. Swiller was known far and wide as a hard-nosed boss who
      watched his employees like a hawk. He was making one of his
      regular tours of the factory when he spotted a young man
      leaning against a pile of boxes just outside the foreman's office.
      Since George, the foreman, wasn't around, Swiller stood off to
      the side and watched to see just how long the young man
      would stand around doing nothing.

      The young man yawned, scratched his head, looked at his
      watch, and sat on the floor. He took out a nail file and began
      cleaning his nails. Then he stretched, yawned again, and
      leaned back on the pile of boxes.

      Swiller stepped from his hiding place and walked up to the
      young man. "You!" he boomed. "How much do you make a

      The young man looked up indifferently. "Two hundred and fifty
      dollars," he said.

      Swiller swooped into the cashier's office, took $250 from the
      cash box, and returned. "Take it," he said, "and get out! Don't
      let me see you around here again!"

      The young man took the cash, put it in his pocket, and left.

      Swiller snorted at his lack of remorse, embarrassment, or any
      other feeling. Then he went looking for George. When he found
      him, Swiller was red with anger."That idler in front of your
      office," Swiller said. "I just gave him a week's pay and fired him.
      What's the matter with you, letting him stand around as though
      he had nothing to do?"

      "You mean the kid in the red shirt?" George asked.

      "Yes! The kid in the red shirt!"

      "He was waiting for the twenty dollars we owe him for lunch,"
      George said. "He works for the coffee shop around the corner."


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      Housekeeping Chips

      One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in
      his house. His three children were outside, still in their
      pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers
      strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was
      open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the
      entry, he found an even bigger mess.

      A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded
      against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a
      cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and
      various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the
      sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was
      spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a
      small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed
      up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes,
      looking for his wife.

      He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had

      He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in
      her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and
      asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked,
      "What happened here today?"

      She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come
      home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

      "Yes," was his incredulous reply.

      She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."


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      Stock Chips and a bonus

      Two stockbrokers went to lunch. One looked at the other
      and said, "Let's relax while we eat and talk about
      something other than the market or any kind of business
      at all."

      "Good idea, Sam. Let's talk about women."

      "Okay... common or preferred?"

      A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He
      jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes
      later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see
      someone taking stuff out of his trunk. He runs around and yells,
      "Hey, bud, this is my car!"

      "Okay," the man says, "You take the front and I'll take the back."


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      Blonde Chips

      Judi stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I
      have a complaint!"

      "Yes, ma'am?"

      "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

      "What was wrong with it?"

      "It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"

      The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. So you must be the person who
      took our phone book."



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      Parting Chips

      A dog walks into Western Union and asks the clerk to send a telegram.

      He fills out a form on which he writes down the telegram he wishes to
      send: "Bow wow wow, Bow wow wow."

      The clerk says, "You can add another 'Bow wow' for the same price."

      "But," the dog responded, "wouldn't that sound a little silly?"

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