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  • william brabant
    Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Hi Everyone , the other day I attributed the when the Germans
    Message 1 of 39 , Dec 1, 2000
      Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
      name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

      Hi Everyone , the other day I attributed the "when the Germans
      Bombed Pearl Harbor " quote to Al Gore . It was from the John
      Belushi film " Animal House" as Jimbert reminded me:

      It was the scene following Dean Wormer's visit to Delta House
      to revoke their charter, and Bluto was trying to spur the group to
      action ("What's all this lyin' around s**t?"). After the Pearl
      Harbor
      line, the badly beaten Otter asked 'Boon "Germans?" and 'Boon
      replied "Forget it-he's rolling."
      Oh, and Blutarki future was revealed to be as a U.S. Senator
      (in the movie).
      I corrected this because of the amount of mail I got on it requesting
      verification and my respect for the late John Belushi.
      To those of you born after the movie , rent it , is worth watching.

      There is a new virus out that can cause you numerous problems
      particularly if you do not have anti-virus software as it is designed
      to block you from the anti-virus software sites and help. It is also
      a combination backdoor and worm virus. The name is MTX and you
      can read up at MSNBC
      http://www.msnbc.com/news/495873.asp?cp1=1

      Hope you enjoy todays Chips..




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      Knowledge Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic
      knowledge in pill form.

      A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and
      asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The
      pharmacist says "Here's a pill for English literature." The
      student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge
      about English literature!

      "What else do you have?" asks the student.

      "Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world
      history," replies the pharmacist.

      The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new
      knowledge about those subjects.

      Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

      The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into
      the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks
      it on the counter.

      "I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the
      student.

      The pharmacist replied "Well, you know ... math always was
      a little hard to swallow."



      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Featured List
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



      75244
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      Married Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the
      houses
      where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

      He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside
      gardening.

      "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

      "I am," said the man.

      "I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said. "Which one
      would you like?"

      The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

      "No, no, no, get the brown one," the man's wife said.

      "Here's your chicken," said the farmer

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Toon Chips
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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Groaner Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal.
      Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself
      a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off
      with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with
      consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master.

      Poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in
      both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually
      himself.

      Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says,
      "Use the FORKS, Luke."




      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Featured List
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      Doctor Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Dr. Cook was brought up on charges at the medical board. He
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      He explained, "Let me tell you what happened. My alarm didn't
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      I do with them?"



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      Umpire Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      At one game, a lady kept up a steady flow of threats
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      Finally another patron said, "Lady, the umpire hasn't
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      Cartoon Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      What Cartoon Character


      Ever wondered which cartoon character you are most like? Well, a team
      of
      researchers got together and analyzed the personalities of cartoon
      characters, and put the information gathered into this quiz. Well, not
      really, but this will keep you entertained for a few minutes, so get
      out
      a pen and paper and follow the instructions.

      Answer each question with the answer that most describes you, then add
      up the points that correspond with your answer.

      1) What describes your perfect date?
      a) Candlelight dinner for two (Add 4 points)
      b) Amusement Park (Add 2 points)
      c) Rollerblading in the park (Add 5 points)
      d) Rock Concert (Add 1 point)
      e) See a movie (Add 3 points)

      2) What is your favorite type of music?
      a) Rock and Roll (Add 2 points)
      b) Alternative (Add 1 point)
      c) Soft Rock (Add 4 points)
      d) Classical (Add 5 points)
      e) Popular (Add 3 points)

      3) What is your favorite type of movie?
      a) Comedy (Add 2 points)
      b) Horror (Add 1 point)
      c) Musical (Add 3 points)
      d) Romance (Add 4 points)
      e) Documentary (Add 5 points)

      4) Which of the following jobs would you chose if you were given only
      these choices?
      a) Waiter/Waitress (Add 4 points)
      b) Sports Player (Add 5 points)
      c) Teacher (Add 3 points)
      d) Policeman (Add 2 points)
      e) Bartender (Add 1 point)

      5) Which would you rather do if you had an hour to waste?
      a) work out (Add 5 points)
      b) Read (Add 4 points)
      c) Watch TV (Add 2 points)
      d) Listen to the radio (Add 1 points)
      e) Sleep (Add 3 points)

      6) Of the following colors, which do you like the best?
      a) yellow (Add 1 point)
      b) white (Add 5 points)
      c) sky blue (Add 3 points)
      d) teal (Add 2 points)
      e) red (Add 4 points)

      7) Which one of the following would you like to eat right now?
      a) ice cream (Add 3 points)
      b) pizza (Add 2 points)
      c) sushi (Add 1 point)
      d) pasta (Add 4 points)
      e) salad (Add 5 points)

      8) What is your favorite holiday?
      a) Halloween (Add 1 point)
      b) Christmas (Add 3 points)
      c) New Year's (Add 2 points)
      d) Valentine's Day (Add 4 points)
      e) Thanksgiving (Add 5 points)

      9) If you could go to any of the following places, which would it be?
      a) Paris (Add 4 points)
      b) Spain (Add 5 points)
      c) Las Vegas (Add 1 point)
      d) Hawaii (Add 2 points)
      e) Hollywood (Add 3 points)

      10) Of the following, who would you rather spend time with?
      a) Someone who is smart (Add 5 points)
      b) Someone with good looks (Add 2 points)
      c) Someone who is a party animal (Add 1 point)
      d) Someone who has fun all the time (Add 3 points)
      e) Someone who is very emotional (Add 4 points)




      Now total up your points and find your character below:

      (10-17 points): You are TAZ - You are wild and crazy and you know it.
      You know how to have fun, but you may take it to extremes. You know
      what
      you are doing though, and are much in control if your own life. People
      don't always see things your way, but that doesn't mean that you
      should
      do away with your beliefs. Try to remember that your wild spirit can
      lead to hurting yourself and others.

      (18-26 points) You are Bugs Bunny - You are fun, friendly, and
      popular.
      You are a real crowd pleaser. You have probably been out on the town
      your share of times, yet you come home with the values that your
      mother
      taught you. Marriage and children are important to you, but only after
      you have fun. Don't let the people you please influence you to stray.

      (27-34 points) You are Tweety - You are cute, and everyone loves you.
      You are a best friend that no one takes the chance of losing. You
      never
      hurt feelings and seldom have your own feelings hurt. Life is a
      breeze.
      You are witty, and calm most of the time. Just keep clear of
      backstabbers, and you are worry free.

      (35-42 points) You are Peppe Le Pew (without the smell) - You are a
      lover. Romance, flowers, and wine are all you need to enjoy yourself.
      You are serious about all commitments. A family person. You call your
      mom every Sunday, and never forget a Birthday. Don't let your passion
      for romance get confused with the real thing.

      (43-50 points) You are Speedy Gonzales - You are smart, a real
      thinker.
      Every situation is approached with a plan. You are very healthy in
      mind
      and body. You teach strong family values. Keep your feet planted in
      them, but don't overlook a bad situation when it does happen.






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      Newlywed chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



      A new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert
      doesn't
      appreciate what I do for him."

      "Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a
      misunderstanding."

      "No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf
      and
      he yelled at me about the price."

      "Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those turkey rolls
      are
      only a few dollars."

      "No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the
      airplane
      ticket."

      "Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

      "Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on
      the back
      and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska."



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      Parting Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



      Cool Image
      Stare at the following and see if you can find the hidden image. Get
      as close to your monitor as possible then slowly pull away. You'll be
      quite amazed when it comes into view.

      {{{{{{===**++++*****++++++++++++++
      ?????????????/////////////%
      ||||||@@@@@444+=+=****&^""""
      """}}}}}}}]]]]]]]<<<<<<<%%
      =/////////^^!~~~~~::-
      --))))*****+++@@@@@@@@<%
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      {}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}%%%%~~~~~
      $$$$$&&$$===~!~!~!~!=====++
      (*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*)----------%%%%

      Remember what you saw and scroll down to the bottom for the answer. If
      you had trouble and didn't see it, try getting close to the screen,
      even placing your nose on the screen, and slightly blur your eyes for
      about 30 seconds, that usually helps people to see it.

      Scroll down to compare the answer to what you saw.












      It's NOTHING, you idiot, get back to work. I can't believe you fell
      for that one. I hope someone walked by and witnessed you with your
      nose on your monitor!

      Now forward it to someone else to make yourself feel better.



      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    • buffalosjokes2001
      Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Tonight A Letter From My Sis In Texas Hi Buffalo
      Message 39 of 39 , Dec 8, 2001
        Clean Clean


        Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
        name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

        Tonight A Letter From My Sis In Texas

        Hi Buffalo
        This is in response to Randy, Randy, you can't imagine how cold it
        gets in Sault Ste Marie, not even a mile away from Lake Superior, in
        a house facing the North. It gets soooooooooooooo cold that even
        bugs die. The most beautiful sight in my life is the snow, here in
        Houston we have no snow. Home was like a wonderland, as the second
        oldest of 10 kids, I did my share of haulin wood and cuttin wood and
        splittin kindling. I am the world's best fire starter, legally. I
        remember it being so cold that the air coming out of your nose would
        freeze. We had a sled made from a car hood to haul wood out of the
        woods as kids, we would be the horses and pull out this heapin car
        hood full of wood to stack and chop. I can handle my half of a
        crosscut saw and a buzz saw. I remember sitting up at night in a
        big chair and watching the lightshow on the ceiling that the stove
        made, and the s! afe, cozy feeling they gave me.
        There are few places colder and snowier than Sault Ste Marie, I
        just hope every kid can still lay in bed and wait for the words, " NO
        SCHOOL FOR SOO TOWNSHIP" I still love those words
        I love you Buffalo
        Cathy

        What a sister , Buisness Executive, Cute , Intelligent , and she can
        run a buzz saw and build a fire. She's also happily married so all
        you guys can cancel your plane tickets to Texas. Enjoy the chips
        and I love you too sis .... Buffalo



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        Lunch Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Redneck were doing
        construction work on a scaffold on the 20th floor of a building.
        They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,
        "Corned beef and cabbage.If I get corned beef and cabbage
        one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

        The Mexican opened his lunch box and said, "Burritos
        again?? If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump, too."

        The Redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I
        get a Bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping, too."

        The Next Day: Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef
        and cabbage and jumps to his death.

        The Mexican opens his lunch box, sees a burrito and
        jumps to his death

        The Redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna sandwich
        and jumps to his death, also.

        At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I had
        known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I
        never would have given it to him again."

        The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him
        tacos or enchiladas. I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

        Everyone turned and stared at the Redneck's wife, and she said,
        "Hey, don't look at me... Billy-Bob makes his own lunch."





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        Y'all Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        As a card carrying, state certified, board approved southerner what's
        done been reared in the south pert near all my life, I'm getting sick
        and tired of people on the Internet pretending to be southerners when
        they ain't.

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        When talking bout what a whole passel of folks got, its "all y'alls,"
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        getting it right, or folks be thinking we're plumb ignorant.



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        Blonde Chips
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        Late one Sunday afternoon, a blonde from a small town was taking
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        see a parachutist trapped in the high branches of a tree.

        "Hellllllp!" he cried when he spotted her down below.

        "What are you doing up there?" she called back.

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        The blonde rolled her eyes. "Well, of course it didn't. If
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        that *nothing* around here opens on a Sunday

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        Police Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        In my town, Traffic Policemen generally patrol the same area each
        day. One day an officer, normally assigned to the Yuppie area, was
        sent to the southern end of the County. It's, shall we shall, a
        less "polished" area.

        Stopping his first violator, he said "Good Morning sir, I'm Officer
        [Smith] and I would like to see your driving permit in reference to
        a possible violation of Article 21-707, probable Stop Sign
        infraction.

        The burly man in the car looked at the Policeman, and said, "Huh?"

        Repeating his lil' speech, the officer was met with the same
        response.
        Then he said, "Listen pea brain, you ran that Stop Sign back there,
        now give me your license before I drag your sorry butt out of that
        bucket of bolts and
        find it myself."

        The motorist nodded and reached for his wallet. "Oh. Well ... Sure.
        Why
        didn't ya say so in the first place?"

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        Christmas Chips
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        From The Buffalos Mail Box

        Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
        ( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors
        stood
        around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )

        Dear Buffalo:

        Another take on the "What position-- " joke is:

        What position do you play on the football team?

        Oh, sort of crouched and bent over!

        sttchurchlady

        ~~~~~

        Hi Buffalo,
        Here is a serious inquiry. Maybe some of my fellow Buffaholics can
        provide the answer.

        If people who are the receipients of Red Cross "charity", e.g.,
        clothes, donuts, sundries, have to pay for them, what happens to the
        donations people give to the Red Cross? I would expect donations to
        be used to buy things the RC gives away, but the RC isn't giving
        anything away!

        Obviously, the RC isn't using donations to pay for things the RC
        gives to the needy, since they charge the needy for them. Where do
        the donations go if the RC recoups its costs by charging for the
        things it "gives away"?

        John R

        ~~~~

        Dear Buffalo,
        This is in response to the woman named Kim, from
        Western Pennsylvania, who wrote to Buffalo Chips for
        Wednesday, December 5:
        My Dad is the Chairman of the Board of the local Red
        Cross Chapter. I can tell you that they do not
        squander money. I was upset by reading this email. My
        Dad served our country in the Air Force and is now
        serving as a volunteer to help others...even though he
        is a busy businessman and could be using his time in
        other ways. He chooses to give freely of his time and
        WITHOUT strings attached, unlike Kim, the author of
        the letter from Western Pennsylvania! The American Red
        Cross operates on TOTAL donations...it is NOT
        subsidized by the Government like other institutions.
        Most of the firefighters and policemen in NYC were
        being paid. Nearly no one of the American Red Cross
        Volunteers have been paid. I understand how Kim,
        (the person who wrote the email) must be upset but she
        said it was her future brother-in-law who is from
        AUSTRALIA. I am sure that they will be following up
        on AMERICAN CITIZENS first. Our local office has sent
        9 Directors to NYC to help out with the aftermath.
        They have three paid people in the office. They had
        to Hire extra people to help with this unprecedented
        catastrophe! It is still a big mess there. I also
        wonder if KIM realizes that 97 percent of the people
        working for the RED CROSS are VOLUNTEERS!? With this
        in mind, I am sure what happened was new volunteers
        didn't pass the message along to the right person.
        Not good, but these people are just trying to help
        others as best as they can. I don't believe that they
        were prepared to deal with such disaster...but do not
        take this personally. They are not trying to hurt you
        or your family in any way! About the
        equipment...well, I donated blood for years until I
        developed a blood disorder and I can tell you that if
        they have new equipment...that is great! Anything
        that will make it easier to draw and less painful to
        the donor is a good idea, however, we do not have new
        equipment here in Iowa. Also, We only serve juice and
        sometimes cookies when you donate. THERE IS NO WAY
        THAT THE FULL COURSE DINNER SERVED (AS CLAIMED BY KIM
        IN HER EMAIL) TO THE DONORS WAS PAID FOR BY THE RED
        CROSS! Businesses and individuals DONATE the food and
        drink! KIM IS MAJORLY MIS-INFORMED and being
        judgemental! The American Red Cross is not a social
        security system...it is a group that is there to help
        individuals at the time of crisis...and when in dire
        need. They also train people in Healthcare issues and
        safety and much more. Swimming programs, CPR
        programs, etc. I am sorry that Kim feels like she has
        not been re-paid for her volunteering...I didn't
        realize that volunteering comes with strings attached.
        Aren't we all called to serve God through our
        volunteering? How can we possibly EVER outgive GOD?
        I am sorry for Kim not receiving any news back from
        the Red Cross about her future brother-in-law...but
        her attacks on the Red Cross are not only unfounded
        and inappropriate...they are blasphemy! I believe
        there is a wise saying that she should remember,
        "Think before you speak!"....!!! My husband has also
        been to ground zero since 9/11 and said it is still a
        big mess...IT's still on fire! My husband stayed at a
        hotel where there are hundreds of RED CROSS VOLUNTEERS
        staying and he says it is no picnic there! I'd like
        to ask Kim a question..."WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? WHY
        AREN'T YOU OUT THERE VOLUNTEERING YOUR TIME AND
        TALENTS?....OBVIOUSLY, YOU WOULD RATHER JUST SIT BACK
        AND BITCH ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE, LOOKING TO BLAME
        SOMEONE ELSE!" Oh, by the way, congrats on receiving
        your 5 gallon pin award. It really is impressive. In
        spite of your attitude and slanderous words, I'd like
        to help you.
        I need your name and address and phone number...and
        the name of your brother-in-law to be. My father has
        said that he feels badly that you haven't received
        word and would like to help you. He will personally
        call NYC and follow-up on your brother-in-law to help
        you get some information! He's happy to help you.
        I'll await your response. Your message will be
        forwarded to our National Office and it will be
        followed up on, but we do need your name and number,
        not just Kim, from Western Pennsylvania. If you write
        to me at my email address and provide me with your
        information, I will gladly help you.
        Thank you.
        Dawn
        Flygirl103059@...

        ~~~~

        Hiya buffalo

        I've been a subscriber for some time now, and I've got to say I love
        the jokes.

        I am also very interested in the average writer's opinion of the Red
        Cross. I served in the army (British) for 25 years, and would
        confirm that we Brits have pretty much the same opnion. In fact the
        Red Cross does not have much to do with the services except when the
        wars start, but even then, they are not to be found anywhere near the
        sharp end. They may be found back at HQ (rear-echelon to you?) But
        the Salvation Army! Everyboyd in the British services loves them.
        Even in peace, when we got taken out to the shooting ranges (why does
        it alwyas rain on those day?) it was alwys the Sall Ann who brought
        out the char 'n wad (Tea and rolls to you) out to us. No matter
        where in the world we were (and in those days the Bitish squaddie
        visited many countries, they were always there to help.

        Additionally they provide clothes and shelter for the poor and will
        not force religion on anyone. They will help anyone, no matter what
        their religion, and although they will always accept donations, they
        never push for it. I am not religious, but I will always support the
        Sally Ann, long may they prosper!.



        You know that Salvationists dont drink booze of course, but they
        often visit pubs selling the magazines and raising money.

        There was one little old lady Salvationist collecting outside a pub,
        and the weather was typical English January, freezing cold, snow, and
        a wind that came from the Arctic. Paddy was going in to the pub and
        stopped to put some money in the lady's tin, and asked her to come in
        and have a drinkt o get warm. She was horrified! Oh No! I couldn't
        do that.

        "Go on" says Paddy it'll do ye good.

        "Oh o", I couldn't do that£ she says

        Paddy saisy " Tell ye what, I'l get you small whisky and biring it
        out to you, How's that?"

        "Oh no, I couldn't do that. What would people think if they saw me
        drinking!"

        Paddy says "I know, I'll get them to put it in a cup for ye, then
        people will think you're drinking tea. How will that be now?"

        She says " Well,... if you think it would warm me up, maybe I'll try
        a little one with you. And God Blee You for a good christian"

        Paddy goes in, and says to the barman, will you give us apint now,
        and could you put a small whiskey in a teacup for me please?"

        The barman says " Is that little old woman out there again??"

        Pete

        See http://members.aol.com/peterburch/index.html


        ~~~~~~


        Buffalo

        Your opening paragraph implied that you might be using multiple
        virus scanners. Using more than one virus scanner on the same
        machine can actually have a negative effect.
        1. Depending on the scanners used, some scanners can actually
        cancel each other. Best advice is to use just one.
        2. Scanners use memory - two scanners running at once will slow
        down your computer more than just one by itself. (I won't get
        into name brands, but some "prominent" scanners use twice as
        much memory as other brands)



        Four Best Virus Scanner Sites:
        McAfee www.mcafee.com
        Norton www.symantec.com
        eTrust www2.my-etrust.com/products/
        PC-Cillin www.antivirus.com/pc-cillin/products/

        Free Virus Scanners:
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        AVG www.grisoft.com/html/us_index.html

        ~~~~

        Davey Crockett said:
        Buffalo,
        in regards to Gyppo's Imperial adjustable wrench, I have a
        left-handed version if he is interested. Also sold as a set of right
        and
        left handed versions for tightening and loosening various
        fasteners. Only
        $99.95 with an attractive gift box.

        Other items that may be of use include: a can of compression and
        skyhooks.

        Gyppo says:

        No thanks, mine has the latest hi-tech reversible instruction
        label. 'PLEASE TURN OVER TO USE IN OPPOSITE DIRECTION'. And I've so
        many damned sky hooks I've had to hang them all from one big one in
        an unused corner.

        Other odd items in my garage/workshop include:

        A a can of striped paint. It's been sat on the shelf since the
        day I lost some bristles from the middle of a cheap 1" flat
        paintbrush, leaving two bunches approx 3/8" wide with a gap between.
        Enter one gullible victim.

        "What's that for?"
        "Painting different coloured stripes along motorbike petrol
        tanks."
        "You can't fool me... You'd need two pots of paint..."
        "Good thinking, but you can buy special two-colour striping paint
        from any good custom bike shop. Both colours in one pot. Makes the
        job so much faster and easier.
        "Really?" Obviously not fully convinced.
        "Really. But you have to be extra careful to put the brush in
        the same way around every time, otherwise they'll get mixed."

        Also a large tin of Elbow Grease, largely unused since I
        discovered various chemicals... any one of which could explain the
        number of strange things I see in my workshop ;-)

        Gyppo

        ~~~~

        Hey Buffalo

        There is a web site for checking gas prices.
        www.gaspricewatch.com/usgas/

        Semper Fi,
        Tx Warlord

        ~~~~

        Hi Buffalo, Really enjoy your joke site and read it every day. I am
        an ex jarhead and proud of it. This is for the sun bum in Fla. who
        wrote about C. Daniels of refusing to appear. I think he is missing
        the point as Alan Jackson launched his new song on the show. I like
        both of thier music, but I think Charlie didn't go on the show
        because the powers to be wouldn't let him do the new song for they
        were afraid that it would offend somebody . If he reads the words of
        the song ,IT TELLS IT LIKE IT IS. Thanks Cliff

        ~~~~

        Buffalo :

        You have put your finger on the differences between Dec. 7 and Sep.
        11.
        I was nine on that day in 1941, and while walking to school in
        Brooklyn,
        NY, I encountered other children running back home in a panic. School
        had been suspended and they had been sent back home. They were sure
        that
        the world had come to an end.

        Thereafter, for the next four years, I saw our country entirely
        mobilized
        - even we children were included in the War Effort. I was a Junior
        Air
        Warden, complete with overseas cap and printed diagrams of Japanese
        and
        German war planes. We were urged to watch the skies, searching for
        these
        enemy planes. On Thursdays, we all went out with our wagons, the
        girls
        collecting scrap paper, the boys, scrap metal. All was collected in a
        shed, waiting for the trucks to take it away for Uncle Sam's needs.
        And
        everything we wanted and needed was rationed. I can remember the
        rationing stamps, and how extra sugar was allocated to us folks at
        home
        at Christmas time so that our mothers could bake Christmas cookies...
        Home Front morale was as important at times like the Holidays as was
        the
        morale of the troops on the front lines. And when your mother could
        accumulate enough stamps for you to get a new pair of shoes, it was
        just
        like another Christmas ! To this day, new shoes are one of my special
        pleasures.

        I saw the Service banners in every window as I walked to and from
        school
        and other activities : a banner with a blue star meant that a member
        of
        the family - a Daddy or a son, perhaps - was in the Service. A gold
        star
        meant the family member had been killed in action. I still see those
        little flags very vividly.

        Many years ago I too visited the Arizona, and looking down on the
        superstructure of that ship just below the blazing white memorial was
        a
        very visceral experience. And yes, I, like everyone else, looked
        apprehensively at those hills, actually almost seeing the Japanese
        planes

        appearing in the distance.

        This time, we are worried and concerned, but except for layoffs and
        financial concerns, our lives haven't changed much. This war will be
        very low-keyed - at least for now - and we won't be mobilizing and
        changing our way of life in the way that we did in 1942. Our sons
        won't
        be going, wholesale, into hand-to-hand battle, and thousands won't be
        coming home injured or in flag-draped caskets.

        While I can't always resonate to the Service-related stories that you
        guys exchange in the Newsletter, I find some of them very compelling.
        Keep up the good work. Your site is the first thing I look at every
        day.

        Ganny

        ~~~~~~

        The Soldier on the Hill

        After the last shot was fired,
        After the last bugle rang its tone,
        The ole warrior was tired,
        The years wore on the ole soldiers bones

        One summer day as he sat all alone,
        He looked to the hill and saw his regiment marching home.
        With a shrug and a last farewell,
        He grabbed his cane, and marched into heaven
        feeling quite well.

        The wife and children around his side,
        wondered at the smile they saw upon his poor
        weathered hide.
        Twas not the war but the victory at hand
        It was he, the last soldier marching across the
        hill to the beat of a distant band.

        B.J. Cassady
        Copyright )2001 B.J. Cassady
        ****************************************************************
        Marching to Victory

        They stormed the beaches of Normandy,
        They fought the battle of Wake.

        They were the doughboys of the Great War,
        They wore the Blue and the Grey.

        They were at Valley Forge with George Washington,
        They remembered the Maine and the Alamo.

        They faught in the air, ground and over the waters,
        They were in Da Nang, Kuwait and Korea.

        They fought for the stars and bars and for a fact much dear,
        That you and I could sleep at night with nothing to fear.

        When the soldiers the battle fought,
        Peace remain the goal most frequently sought.

        So let the scars of war be gone and when the bugler plays,
        Let the old warrior go home and not beg him to stay.

        Let us their valor salute and memory remain clear,
        For these are the ones who loved us all far and near.

        Victory is at hand for the soldiers last stand,
        For death cannot capture the real man.

        B.J. Cassady
        Copyright )2001 B.J. Cassady
        ***********************************************************
        Taps

        (For my dad, a tail gunner in a B-24, for my Step-father who is
        veteran of Guadacanal. Their name are Bob Cassady and
        Mel Hull. May we remember all the Bob and Mels of the
        Navy, Marine, Air Force, Army, Coast Guard, Firemen, Police,
        Merchant Marine and others that contribute to our freedom)


        Taps are played for those brave men
        Who never know what futures may have been.

        They fought and died for the flag that is true.
        For freedom. freedom for me and for you.

        They marched though battles grim and bad.
        Grit is what these men of honor had.

        They fought, they died. For what you ask?
        They would say for her, for ma, and pa. That was our task.

        So when taps plays on any day.
        Take a minute to remember these men and then pray.

        Think about the soldiers when we look at our flag and be not sad.
        Red is for the blood shed for our land, our future, for this be glad.

        Blue is for the honor with which they carried out their task.
        Remember to carry honor with you while in freedom you bask.

        White is for the purity, the innocence of the young men.
        Thank God for these men. Remember them when you pray and say amen.

        When at night you put your children to bed,
        Tell them of the heroes that continued their journey, not dead.

        With God they reside in the heavens that is best.
        For they survived the ultimate test.

        Play taps at night for the men who have marched on,
        that we may have peace because of the battles they won.

        B.J. Cassady
        Copyright )2001 B.J. Cassady
        *******************************************************
        "Medals"

        Dedicated to all those whose service has made us free

        "Mommy can I pin the medal on grandpa's uniform today?" I asked.
        "No dear this is not the time nor the place." she responded.
        My young years did not make me understand.
        I went to my father and said, "Daddy can I pin the medals on
        grandpa's
        uniform today?
        My father looked at me for a long time, as if pondering the
        weight of the
        universe and replied, "Yes, you can. But first do you know what the
        medals
        means?" He queried.
        "I guess it means he served in World War Two and did brave stuff."
        I responed.
        "Let's sit down and I will tell you a story before we go see your
        grandpa.
        During the battle of Okinawa he personally attacked a machine gun
        nest and
        saved the lives of his company. Then during Truk Island he carried
        off his
        wounded commanding officer, during the heat of battle, saving his
        life."
        "During the retaking of some of the other Islands he carried ammo
        to men
        that were almost out. During the battle he was wounded and yet still
        fought
        because he felt he made a difference."
        "Well he received two bronze stars, a silver star, purple heart
        and the
        congressional medal of honor, given by president Truman himself.
        Your grandpa being shy, kept the honors quiet and keep the
        ribbons and
        awards in a drawer to be worn only during special ceremonies."
        "Now do you understand about your grandpa?" my father asked.
        I was in awe of my grandfather. He always treated me so gentle and
        with all the love in the world. He told me once he treated me so
        because of
        all the anger, evil and hurt he had seen.
        "Love" He said, balances out all the bad in the world."
        "Yes. I understand." as I looked at my father.
        "Then lets go and you can put the medals on his uniform." stated
        dad.
        We drove for about 15 minutes, the medals weighing heavy in my
        lap.
        I tried to think about what it must have been like for my grandpa,
        but I
        couldn't imagine how it must have been.
        We pulled into the driveway where grandpa was and entered the
        building.
        I walked up to the casket where grandpa was dressed in his army
        uniform
        and I pinned his country's pride upon my grandpa's uniform.
        "Thanks grandpa, thanks. Thanks for your sacrifice and my
        freedom."
        I tearfully gave him a boy scout salute then waited for the
        service.

        B.J. Cassady
        ***********************************************************






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        For Herbal Sensations</a>

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Parting Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously
        heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you
        got the time?"

        Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a
        quarter to six," he says.

        "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.

        Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. It's an invention of
        mine I've been working on. Check this out" - and he shows him a time
        zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the
        86 largest metropolises.

        He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice
        says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few
        more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake
        continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display
        is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.

        The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all", says
        Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-
        resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing
        dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake.

        "Zoom out", Jake says, and the display changes to show all of eastern
        New York state.

        "I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.

        "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the
        bugs", says the inventor.

        "But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is
        also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner,
        a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager
        with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity
        for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only
        have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake.

        "I've got to have this watch!", says the stranger.

        "No, you don't understand; it's not ready..."

        "I'll give you $1000 for it!"

        "Oh, no, I've already spent more than..."

        "I'll give you $5000 for it!"

        "But it's just not..."

        "I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a
        checkbook.

        Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and
        development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it
        ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically
        finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is,
        ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave
        it."

        Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK", he says, and peels off the
        watch.

        They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

        "Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around
        warily.

        Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through
        the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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        Bonus Chip

        A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give
        to an old lady in the park. Her mother was
        touched by the child's kindness and gave her
        the required sum.

        "There you are, my dear," said the mother.
        "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"

        "Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy....."



        Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

        *********************************************

        Remember 9/11/01
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