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Chips For Sun

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  • William Brabant
    This morning we dare to speak of one of the unspoken laws of parenting . The Law of School Fund-Raising. I thought about this subject as I sat here munching on
    Message 1 of 29 , Oct 1, 2000
      This morning we dare to speak of one of the unspoken laws of
      parenting . The Law of School Fund-Raising. I thought about this
      subject as I sat here munching on a Little Caesar's Pizza that my
      wife prepared from a kit purchased from a co-workers daughter.
      Although a little pricey in the world of goodies , it is definitely
      more filling and
      a better dollar value than the usual candy bar for a dollar with a
      fast food coupon attached.
      The Law is if you expect people to buy from your child you have to
      buy from their children , for eternity. Over the years I have bought
      books, magazines, garden seeds, oranges, toys , raffle tickets, and
      enough candy to raise the price of sugar futures on commodity markets
      every September through June. I have helped the school, the band,
      choir, cheerleaders , sports teams, and school clubs pay for
      equipment and trips to various events.
      My own daughter was great at selling whatever offer came along .
      Supervised, she would stand outside the supermarket and sell 600 to
      800 dollars worth of bars each year and even turned a profit
      sometimes. She knew the exchange rates on the Canadian Dollar and
      never sold a bar at par. They were rewarded with small gifts like
      radios and keyboards for their sales and if you show me a child who
      actually got a bike or anything valuable and I'll show you a child
      who is probably a marketing exec for Willy Wonka today.
      Still the daughter is out of school and the little kids at the
      door with a parent
      hoping to sell one more order than the other kids is slowing down
      and I miss it.
      I know it is only a few years though before the next wave hits , the
      grandchildren of all my neighbors. You know even though it costs a
      lot of money it does feel good to still be a part of your old school
      and the activities.
      Hey there's a knock at the door and if it's a little kid who
      wants to sell you some Buffalo Chips , buy some ,it's the Law.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




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      Email Chips
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      One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the
      evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down
      to Earth to check it out. So he called on a female
      angel and sent her to Earth for a time. When she returned
      she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5%
      is good.

      Well, he thought for a moment and said maybe I had better
      send down a male angel; to get both points of view. So
      God called a male angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
      When the male angel returned he went to God and told him
      yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was
      good.

      God said this was not good. He decided to E-mail the 5%
      that were good and encourage them. A little something to
      help them keep going.


      Do you know what that E-mail said?

      Didn't get one either, huh?



      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      Good Chips Bad Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      An old man visits his doctor. After thorough examination,
      the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what
      would you like to hear first?"
      Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."

      Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two
      years left."
      Patient: "OH NO! That's awefull! In two years my life will
      be over! What kind of good news could you possibly tell me,
      after this???"

      Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's.
      In about three months you're going to forget everything I
      just told you."



      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Short Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Leaving a plush night club one evening, a miserly gentleman
      walked past the doorman without tipping him. Never the less,
      the doorman helped the man into a taxi with a flourish and
      said pleasantly.

      "By-the-way, in case you happen to lose your wallet on the
      way home, Sir, just remember that you didn't pull it out
      here."
      ________________________________________

      A man and his son were standing in line at the bank. In front of them
      was a very large woman. The boy tugged on his father's pant leg and
      said
      " My God dad, she's really fat".

      "Be quiet and don't embarrass me" replied the father.

      Then all of a sudden the woman's pager goes off and the boy furiously
      pulls at his father and says, "DADDY! WATCHOUT! SHE'S BACKING UP!"



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      Crook Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Two thieves decided to break into a rich man's house one
      night. To avoid being seen by anyone they decided to enter
      through the chimney. Unaware that the rich man was at home
      the first thief began to climb down the chimney, quite noisily.

      "Who's there?" asked the rich man.

      "Meow, meow," said the first thief imitating a cat.
      Convinced that it was only a cat the rich man went back to
      watching the television. After a while the second thief began
      to make his way down the chimney, just as noisily as the first
      thief.

      "Who's there?" asked the rich man once again.

      Convinced that he could trick the rich man the second thief
      replied quite confidently:

      " It's just another cat, sir!"




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      Military Chips
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      A brand new second lieutenant was anxiously accompanying the inspector
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      answered, "I rake leaves, sir."

      "No, soldier," the inspector general said, "I mean what would you do
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      The soldier replied, "Sir, I'd rake faster."



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      Farm Chips
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      A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to
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      farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.

      During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the
      man's
      work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of
      your
      dreams!"

      A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the
      farmer. Lo
      and behold, it's like a completely different place--the farm house is
      completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of
      cattle and
      other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the
      fields
      are filled with crops planted in neat rows.

      "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have
      accomplished
      together!"

      "Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was
      like when
      God was working it alone!"





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      Computer Chips
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      When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed
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      One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran
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      "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"
      "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I
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      "Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.
      "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the
      Titanic."

      Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to
      find St. Peter.
      Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met,
      saying, "How
      could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new
      cars, a
      mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the
      Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"
      "Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only
      crashed once...."



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      Parting Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      St Peter becomes aware of a man standing outside the Gates of
      Heaven, pacing up and down. "Excuse me, can I help you?" he asks.
      "No, it's all right. It won't be long." And he distractedly looks at
      his watch, shrugs and paces on. St. Peter gives it another 5 minutes
      and asks again. The man stops and says, "Look, you know I'm dead.
      I know I'm dead. Will someone please tell the cardiac arrest team?"





      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    • B.Brabant
      Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Putting the finishing touches on the chips for the
      Message 2 of 29 , Feb 24, 2002
        Clean Clean

        Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
        name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

        Putting the finishing touches on the chips for the Sunday Brunch
        Edition . Never can seem to get them done on Sat night like I do
        during the week. The lack of sleep from Friday night always catches
        up with me on Sat when I try to accomplish the weeks shopping in
        a couple of hours. Even with a nap by the time I get started on the
        chips I am beat and I do it several sections with a couple more naps in
        between.
        An unofficial list issued last week said our Kmart was not on the
        list of stores slated for closing which was good news . The bad
        news was for the Wal-mart and other stores in the town where
        the 300 Kmart's are located. Plans are to liquidate the merchandise
        on site with gigantic closing sales that may cause financial disaster
        for the other chains stores.
        Hope your weekend is going well and the chips will be arriving
        in a few minutes and then I can start sorting through the 2000 pieces
        of mail in my mailbox before the week starts Enjoy the chips...
        buffalo

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        Survivor Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        The ninety five year old woman at the nursing
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        "How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.

        "Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"

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        "Yes, they are taking very good care of me."

        "Are you in any pain?" she asked.

        "No, I have never had a pain in my life."

        "Well, what are you worried about?" her friend
        asked again.

        The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and
        slowly explained her major worry - "Every close
        friend I ever had has already died and gone on
        to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where
        I went and why."

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        Toon Chips
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        Vacation Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Favorite Vacation Spots For..........

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        Chicken Chips
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        Bernard was driving along a country road when and realized he had to
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        As he was approaching a house he noticed a three-legged chicken racing
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        Well, when Bernie got to the farmhouse he asked the farmer about this
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        The farmer replied, "Well now, when I was at the college I took up a
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        Now Bernie was quite impressed. He asked, "How does it taste?"

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        Adoption Chips
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        A polish couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came
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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Short Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        This is a except from the 1950 guide on how to survive an Atomic Bombing:
        All true
        How to Protect Yourself advised victims of a nuclear blast to eat steak to
        aid recovery, shelter in skyscrapers (as they would withstand the blast of
        an atomic bomb), and, vitally 'Curl up in a ball as you hit the ground' .
        (Perhaps that way your ashes would stay in a nice neat pile).


        ~~~~~~

        My husband Brian is a computer systems administrator.

        He is dedicated to his job and works long hours, rarely taking time off
        for meals.

        One afternoon, Brian was overwhelmed with solving computer network
        problems, so I decided to
        deliver a meal for him to eat at his workstation.

        When I was getting ready to leave, I said good-bye and reminded him to
        eat his burger and fries while they were still warm.

        Staring at his monitor, he waved me away. "Don't worry," he said,
        obviously distracted, "I'll delete them in a few minutes."




        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        B.O. Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        It was a really hot day at the office. There were about 20 people in
        close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on.
        All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odour
        passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever
        experienced.

        One lady said, "Uh oh, someone's deodorant isn't working."

        The "not so bright man" in the corner replied, "It can't be me. I'm not
        wearing any."


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        From The Buffalos Mail Box

        Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
        ( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors stood
        around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )

        I'm glad Mikki found her link, but I know of another one that is very good -
        if you haven't seen this one, it is definitely worth the time to check it
        out...
        Vicki

        Can't Cry Hard Enough - A Tribute to the Victims of 9-11-2001

        http://www.cantcryhardenough.com/


        Bill,

        Yes! A majority of America's founding fathers were
        Master Masons
        including George Washington and Benjamin Franklin.

        ~~~~~~~

        I am frankly amazed at how many Christians feel that
        Freemasonry is a cult.
        I tell them that is not, but they ignore me.

        Okay, people. I'm gonna vent again.(usually leave my
        name out but it is time I got some guts).YOU GO BILL!

        People have gotten way too liberal about using the
        word cult when it comes to another religion other than
        Christianity and I am tired of it. Before you all get
        on your soap boxes I am of Southern Baptist roots and
        now am Bible Baptist.

        According to the American Heritage Dictionary of the
        American Language the definition of a cult is as
        follows:

        A system or community of religious worship and ritual,
        especially, one focusing upon a single deity or spirit.

        Deity- A god or Godess.

        Who wants to argue that we as Christians don't really
        fall into these two Categories. We have a God and we
        are a religious system.

        Now, as for the Masons. If any of you arrogent
        Christians, who would follow anything a preacher said
        just because he is a preacher, would learn to use your
        brains like God intended you would see that just
        because it is outside of a Church doesn't necessarily
        mean it is of the devil. I come from a long line of
        Masons(my uncle is one). I have been to the family
        nights and know several of the Masons and find them to
        do nothing but good. The Shriners are a part of them
        and because of them many children have had access to a
        hospital that has helped their dibilitating
        disabilities.The have homes for kids who need one for
        one reason or another. The list could go on.

        And by the way, yes, George Washington and many of the
        folks who helped to found this country(look at those
        who wrote the declaration of independence) were
        Masons.
        Cheryl From Texas

        ~~~~~

        love the jokes.. and daily note's.. been subscribed since 5/14/01 and have
        kept all e-mails from you .. love going back through them.. saw everyone
        posting gas price's and thought I might post mine as well.. $1.65 per gal
        . here in Coffman Cove, Alaska.. at our one gas station ..

        baddog

        ~~~~~

        Buff,
        Today I spent $1.27 a gallon for gas. Wat really gets me about this is
        that I live within 15 Miles of both a Conco and Exxon refinery. In the
        summer, the price for gas goes up to at least $1.45 a gallon. I live in
        Billings, the largest city in Montana.

        James Otto Rasch, Jr

        ~~~~~



        Hi, Buffalo,
        Another good 9-11 website is http://www.mellon2k.com/ It has hundreds of
        pictures, cartoons, tributes, and drawings.
        Stay warm, spring is coming.
        John R, Whitefish Bay, Wisconsin

        ~~~~~

        Bill,

        Oops! I should have added:

        Blue: If you are a Master Mason, please go visit any stated meeting of the
        International Order of Rainbow for Girls. If you did that, you would never
        say "I don't know whether the men around George Washington were Masons or
        not."

        Hugs,
        Cat
        ~~~~~~~~~


        I would like to start a dicussion on controversial items, first
        starting with UFOs.

        Has anybody seen one? I have not and really have no opinion. I have
        through my life believed and not believed in their existence.

        I do offer these as thoughts from people I have talked to:

        Case 1. Southern Illinois outside of West Frankfort
        My deceased wife her children, her parents, and other family members, about
        20 or so in all saw a saucer craft hover over a field from across the house.
        They were having a turkey day feast when this
        occured. I asked about 3 of the people about it. All said it happened but
        didnt want to talk about it. Nobody wanted to talk. However, I believed
        my wife. She never ever lied to me.

        Case 2. Roswell, New Mexico, 1947
        A co-worker, the santa paul I have written about, was stationed there in the
        Air Force. What he saw and what co-workers saw led him to believe a crash
        of a UFO had taken place. Some people carried little bodies. Paul signed a
        security statement saying he would never talk about it. He broke his
        silence only after I knew him for about four years.

        Case 3. Outside Evansville, Indiana circa 1961
        A good friend, and still a close friend, was enjoying a picnic with his
        woman.
        They were laying on a blanket on a hill when a cigar shapped object passed
        over them. He described it as a non-earth vehicle.

        Case 4. Project Blue Book, circa 1965
        When in Walter Reed hospital for re-evualation of my seizure disorder, I met
        an airman who worked in the project Blue Book group. A person in the
        military cannot ask a security question unless he wishes to be arrested so
        the question must be formulated quite clear. Iasked, "What can you tell
        me about your work experience with project Blue Book?" He responded, "I
        never really thought anything about UFO's until I was assigned to the group.
        All I can tell you is, I didnt believe they existed, now I do."

        Case 5. Roswell, New Mexico circa 1960's
        A nurse friend of mine ex-stewardess and married to an Air Force Colonel
        when at home, he received
        a hurried phone call from a friend who worked as an air traffic controller
        at
        the local airport. The man begged for a meeting at cookie's house asap. He
        came over and described an event frightening in it's sequence and horrifing
        in it's possibilities. A commercial Jet was flying to LA when the pilot
        radioed
        the tower saying there were 'Objects' flying around the plane. The
        controller
        had the plane and the objects on his radar screen and tried to get a
        description. The usual description followed. Metallic, saucer shapped with
        flashing lights. Then the communications was interuppted by the air force
        who ordered the plane to Nevada.
        The pilot refused saying he was headed to LA, the air force person said if
        he
        didnt do what he was ordered to do, the plane would be shot down. No news
        coverage. Nothing. The controller took the backup audio
        tapes from the control tower and put new ones on and within 30 minutes, govt
        agents swarmed the tower,
        getting people to sign the secret form and seizing tapes and records. This
        lady still has the tapes.

        Case 6. South of Alburqueue, New Mexico circa 1990's
        As in the case of friendship, questions are asked and some answered, some
        not. A friend since the 70's, an unnamed
        air traffic controller and instructer. I asked him about UFO's. He
        responded, "We are not allowed to talk
        about the subject." A few years later he opened the door just a crack. A
        lot of sightings around greenland and
        the artic. Yeah they exist but not officially he said.

        Case 7. OKC 1973
        A co-worker of mine was dragging 59th st in OKC with his wife. He worked
        the graveyard shift at TGY and was young, honest and a
        great worker. He noticed all the traffic was stopped on the street and
        people
        were looking up. He looked up and
        saw a saucer not more than 100 ft above the ground. He turned off the
        street
        and drove down a side road. However,
        the saucer kept right above him. His car died, he got out of the car and
        watched the thing just hover for a bit then
        shot off into the sky. Nothing in the newspaper or TV about the reports
        that
        probably flooded in. Years later, I
        watched a show on tv about a girl in OKC who was abducted just off of 59th
        street in OKC. The UFO was tracked
        on radar from Georgia to New Mexico. It was highly visable and reported in
        many states.

        Case 8. Mexico City, Mexico
        Hugo Piedra was amoung tens of thousands who observed many UFO's darting
        around the capital during the 1980's and
        1990's. I know this guy and he is honest. But what he saw, was it an
        illusion, or something else.

        Case 9. Chihuaua, Mexico
        The local newspaper has a regular weekly column about UFO's because they are
        so common in mexico. Many residents of the mountain
        town of Cardenas know of the lights and of strange people who steal the
        young.

        Case 10. My stepson's woman.
        Unreliable as a witness, but terrified because all her life she said she has
        been kidnapped by aliens, probed and prodded.
        Then sent back with marks on her body. I dismiss her testimony but
        something has scared her.

        B. J. Cassady

        ~~~~~

        Hey Buffalo,
        I have been enjoying your chips for a couple of years now. Have cancled
        all of my other sites They just don't have the style that yours has.

        I ran across this recently. Although you may have read it I am sure
        there are lots of people who haven't. It explains a lot about the mind
        set of that part of the country.

        The Koran is approximately the same size in volume as the New Testament.
        The New Testament contains 57 direct commands to "love" -- "love your
        God, love your enemies, love your neighbor, love your wife, love one
        another," etc., plus 191 other indirect commands to love. The Koran
        contains zero commands to love. The Koran contains 123 commands to fight
        and kill for Allah

        I also think the Tileban needs a motto which I think should be "Support
        mental health or I'll kill you".

        Keep up the good work.

        Old Fossilshorts




        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Parting Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Jay, Doug and Larry were moving furniture. While Jay and Doug
        were struggling with a particularly heavy oak wardrobe, Jay
        noticed that Larry was nowhere in sight.
        "Doug, where's Larry?" asked Jay. "He should be helping us with
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        "He is helping," said Doug, "He's inside holding the clothes
        hangers in place!"


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        Bonus Chip

        It was an unusually hectic evening at the emergency clinic
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        Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

        *********************************************

        Remember 9/11/01
      • B.Brabant
        Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Can you say BLIZZARD boys and girls? I am sure many
        Message 3 of 29 , Mar 10, 2002
          Clean Clean

          Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
          name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

          Can you say BLIZZARD boys and girls? I am sure many of you
          can if you got the same weather we did in the past 18 hours. 45 to
          60 mph winds, snow, and a twenty degree drop in temperature in a
          cold front that stretched from Atlanta to Canada. Accidents , Cars
          stuck in drifts and abandoned on the Interstate . It has been a busy
          morning on the scanner. At one time almost every way into the city
          was closed and roadblocked. I heard an officer scream ,"Stop"!!!
          and then report how two cars had blew by him on I-75 and almost
          ran him down. Dangerous morning for the police as they ferry stranded
          motorists, direct traffic, and investigate accidents. The older you get and
          the more you settle down, the more you appreciate the job they do
          and the dangers involved. The wind is dying down a bit and snow
          plows are out and trying to clean up the mess but in many places
          they can't even drive for stuck cars and they are working in pairs
          with tow trucks.
          Check out the egg site down in the links. My breakfast this morning
          had a freshness date and a website on the hard boileds... heh heh lots
          of good recipes and some dyeing tips. They also had a thing on egg
          dating, I guess that is stuff like should you kiss your egg goodnight
          on the first date and "No, madam would not like the omelet for
          brunch". Have a good Sunday and stay inside if its rude outside.
          Enjoy the chips...Buffalo

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          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          Houston Chips From Dianne
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          Rules you must know before entering Houston....

          1. You must learn to pronounce the city name.
          It is Hugh-stun not Houston.

          2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere.
          Houston has its own version of traffic rules....
          Hold on and pray. There is no such thing
          as a dangerous high-speed chase in Houston.
          They all drive like that.

          3. All directions start with, "Go down to Loop 610"....
          which has no beginning and no end.

          4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through
          traffic a "scenic Drive".

          5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00.
          The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00.
          Friday's rush hour starts morning.
          (except I-10 where it's rush hour traffic everyday,
          all day and even some nights after 9:00)

          6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will
          be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot.
          When you are the first one on the starting line,
          count to five when the light turns green before
          going to avoid getting into any cross-traffic's way.

          7. Kuykendahl Road can only be pronounced
          by a native.

          8. Construction on I-10, I-45, US 59 and
          Loop 610 is a way of life and a permanent
          form of entertainment.

          9. All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase,
          "Oh we must be in Pasadena!

          10. If someone actually has their turn signal on,
          it is probably a factory defect.

          11. All old ladies with blue hair in pink Cadillacs
          have total right-of-way.

          12. The minimum acceptable speed on Loop
          610 is 85. Anything less is considered downright
          sissy.

          13. The wrought iron on windows in east Houston
          is not ornamental.

          14. Never stare at the driver of the car with
          the bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking,
          I'm reloading." In fact, don't Honk at anyone.

          15. If you are in the left lane and only going 70
          in a 60 mph zone people are not waving when
          they go by.

          16. The Sam Houston Toll Road is our daily
          version of NASCAR. (I won this morning)

          17. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be near!


          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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          Toon Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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          http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00030631 I never get "a say" in things.

          http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00030632 Harassment.

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          http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00030634 You need this help!

          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          Frog Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          A 92 YEAR OLD MAN WHO LOVES TO FISH WAS SITTING IN HIS
          BOAT ON A LAKE WHEN HE HEARD A VOICE SAY, "PICK ME
          UP."

          HE LOOKED AROUND AND COULD NOT SEE ANY ONE. HE THOUGHT HE WAS DREAMING WHEN
          HE HEARD THE VOICE AGAIN, "PICK ME UP."

          HE LOOKED IN THE WATER AND THERE FLOATING ON THE TOP
          WAS A FROG.

          THE OLD MAN SAID, "ARE YOU TALKING TO ME"? THE FROG
          SAID,
          "YES, I'M TALKING TO YOU. PICK ME UP AND KISS ME AND
          I'll TURN INTO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN YOU HAVE
          EVER SEEN AND WILL GIVE YOU THE MOST WONDERFUL PLEASURES THAT YOU HAVE EVER
          DREAMED OF."

          THE OLD MAN LOOKED AT THE FROG FOR A SHORT TIME AND
          THEN REACHED OVER AND
          PICKED IT UP CAREFULLY, PLACING IT IN HIS
          FRONT BREAST POCKET.

          THEN THE FROG SAID, "WHAT ARE YOU NUTS, DIDN'T YOU
          HEAR WHAT
          I SAID? I SAID KISS ME AND I WILL GIVE YOU PLEASURES LIKE
          YOU HAVE NEVER HAD."

          THE OLD MAN OPENED HIS POCKET, LOOKED AT THE FROG AND SAID,"AT MY AGE I'D
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          Scam Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          SCAM ALERT!
          WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY! THIS IS SERIOUS!
          If you get an envelope from a group called the "Internal Revenue Service,"
          DO NOT OPEN IT!

          This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims
          that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the
          operation of so called essential functions of the United States government.
          This is untrue!

          The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless
          social engineering projects. This organization has ties to another shady
          outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money
          from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the
          SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS
          helps mastermind.

          They have no intention of ever giving your money back These scam artists
          have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don'
          t be among them!

          FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW

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          Gitmo Getaway Chips From WestPac
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          Is the sound of daisy cutters keeping you up all night? Are
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          You will be the envy of all your friends back in Afghanistan
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          "The people here think of everything. Some of the security
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          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          Definition Chips From WestPac
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray'-ter\ A cook that leaves Arby's to work at
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          Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl' \ What a bullfighter tries to do

          Baloney \buh-lo'-nee' \ Where some hemlines fall

          Bernadette \burn'-a-det' \ The act of torching a mortgage

          Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize' \ What a crook sees with

          Control \kon'-trol\ A short, ugly inmate

          Counterfeiters \kown'-ter-fit'-ers\ Workers who put together
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          Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\ A clumsy ophthalmologist

          Heroes \hee-rhos' \ What a guy in a boat does

          Left Bank \left' bangk' \ What the robber did when his bag was
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          Misty \mis-tee' \ How golfers create divots

          Paradox \par'-u-doks' \ Two physicians

          Parasites \par'-ih-sites' \ What you see from the top of the Eiffel
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          Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist \ A helper on the farm

          Polarize \po'-lur-ize' \ What penguins see with

          Primate \pri'-mate' \ Removing your spouse from in front of the TV

          Relief \ree-leef' \ What trees do in the spring

          Selfish \sel'-fish' \ What the owner of a seafood store does

          Subdued \sub-dood' \ Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like,
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          Sudafed \sood'-a-fed' \ Brought litigation against a government official

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          From The Buffalos Mail Box

          Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
          ( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors stood
          around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )

          Gel Candles



          My (not me) former secretary had a terrible thing happen to her and her
          family last week, and I wanted to share it with all of you so that you could
          be warned and warn your friends and family as well. She had a gel candle
          burning in her bathroom ... it exploded and caught her house on fire. The
          house burned down and they lost everything. The Fire Marshall told her that
          this is not the first incident where a gel candle has exploded and caused a
          fire. He said that the gel builds up a gas and often times it explodes and
          sets fire to the room it is in, which is what happened to her. The fire was
          so hot it melted the smoke alarm, and they didn't discover the fire until
          there was an explosion, which was her toilet blowing up, and then it was too
          late...the entire upstairs was engulfed in flames. Smoke damage and water
          damage have destroyed what wasn't destroyed by fire. Please pass this along
          to anyone I missed. I wouldn't want this to happen to anyone else. Her
          family is deva! ! s

          > > > > > >


          Note: Marty and I know a lady who loves the gel candles. She had one burning
          on her mantle and it caught fire just like the message above. She was at
          home at the time and saw it happen and grabbed the candle to keep it from
          setting her home on fire and it came apart in her hand. She saved her home
          but suffered 3rd degree burns to her hand and 3 fingers. Please if you or
          anyone you know have these candles, don't light them, they are dangerous.
          Please pass this along.

          > > > > > >


          And as if those two stories weren't enough...My husband was home on vacation
          and had a gel candle lit on the top of the entertainment center. He too saw
          the candle burst into flames. His first instinct was to blow the candle out.
          Well, that didn't work, so he blew harder....the gel from the candle
          splattered and went everywhere. Everywhere included his face. He had 1st,
          2nd and 3rd degree burns all over his face. The gel doesn't cool like wax
          does, so the bits that were still on his face continued to burn him. And
          you can't wipe the stuff off, it just rolls up and keeps burning. Please
          don't use gel candles. Fortunately his scars are not noticeable now, but
          the "what ifs" are tremendous.

          > > > > > >


          We had a similar experience. I had received as a gift a gel candle from
          Avon. It was contained in a wine goblet, was sort of purple gel with
          glitter in the gel. We had it on our dresser in the bedroom. Once when it
          was burning, the entire solid turned to liquid and the glitter pieces
          "jumped" randomly out of the wine glass, taking drops of gel with it,
          getting all over the dresser and window curtain. A weird scene to say the
          least. Needless to say, I put the flame out and emptied the remaining
          liquefied gel into the toilet.

          Big Roger

          Buffalo says This is a yes and no type thing check out
          http://www.urbanlegends.com/ulz/gelcandles.html

          ~~~~~~~~

          Hi Buffalo,

          Only one problem with bombing BillyBob and HillyBob's condo or home. If
          they were home and had the crap scared out of them, we'd all be at least
          waist deep in crap from coast to coast! Of course then you wouldn't have to
          add fertilizer to get things to grow.

          Eric
          ecfarthing@...

          ~~~~

          Hello Buffalo,
          With all of the news coverage on the War on Terrorism being serious I
          had an idea to bring humor
          to it. I believe the largest cargo plane the Air Force has is the C-5A
          Galaxy.
          (idea time)
          Take 6 of them, fill up a bunch of King size waterbed mattresses with water,
          fly over Kabul and other locations, and "drop" the bombs on them. No one
          gets hurt but will have the crap scared out of them. Let me know what you
          think.

          Sincerely,

          John

          PS. If it's a success then target other locations in different countries.

          Buffalo says 150 gallons of water x 8 lbs. per gallon =1200 lbs dropped from
          5000 ft accelerating at a rate of 16 ft. per sec. would drive a camel past
          the top of his hump in 8 inches of asphalt. I like the idea personally.
          Maybe mix some fertilizer in with it and some wheat seed and a little field
          of grain would grow where each one hit. May I suggest Bill and Hillary's
          Condo as another good target.

          ~~~

          Where Was God on 9/11

          Who are we as mere mortals to question God about things ? Why do you think
          you could begin to understand what He does or why. Have you ever heard of
          and understand the word faith. Do you really think you have a choice. If it
          is still important to you when you are called home to the main office
          perhaps it will be explained to you............Sorry can't promise.
          Fraternally, Karl

          ~~~~~~

          to Debbie: If you bothered to notice anything, even Kmart and Target and
          alot of other well known stores don't bother to fly the American Flag
          either. So whats the problem?? Only to pick on Walmart?? At least they sell
          Flags, and not just on certain occasions-like Kmart does, and so does
          target. I have bought flags and such at Walmarts in different towns up here.
          And when I wanted a flag a few yrs. ago, (way before the attacks) They told
          me (Kmart & Target) that they dont sell any of this stuff till the 4th of
          july or flag day.Now since this 9/11 everyplace you go you can buy any kind
          of red,white, and blue stuff. thanks. lori

          ~~~~


          Debbie, Maybe Wal-Mart isn't trying to avoid an expense so much as they
          are trying to avoid giving the misimpression that they support the
          American government, no matter what position that government adopts at any
          given moment.

          It isn't a problem to me that Wal-Mart would support American workers, but
          not supporting the American government as an institution. I often
          disagree, and will not support the position of the American government,
          but would not hesitate to support the rights and the welfare of the
          American worker. This is just my opinion, and is not meant as a statement
          that you, Debbie are wrong in your divergent opinion.

          Bill White

          ~~~~~~

          Hi Buffalo, While reading about your trip to the doctor and his comments on
          your weight I remembered an article by DNA discoverer Dr James Watson whos
          research suggests the chemicals which make us happy increase in proportion
          to our body size. With that I grabbed another handful of girl scout cookies
          and finished reading the chips. C/Ya

          I have seen the future and it's very much like the present, only longer.

          Michael Raines

          Remember 9/11

          ~~~~~

          First, I am not associated with Wal-Mart, but get tired of hysterical rants
          based on ignorance and fiction.
          In the Chips for Saturday, you had a letter from "Debbie" excoriating
          Wal-Mart for refusing to buy flags for its stores.
          This is BOGUS. An urban legend that has been circulating since last year.
          Wal-Mart themselves stated on their web site that:

          "Wal-Mart shares the enthusiasm of Americans everywhere for
          displaying the
          American flag. In fact, we display the flag at all Wal-Mart
          stores and Supercenters.
          While some of our stores are equipped to fly the flag outside
          on flagpoles, others
          display the flag inside, usually in the front of our stores.
          In every instance, the flag has
          been purchased by Wal-Mart out of the local store's operating
          budget. Wal-Mart is
          proud of our American heritage and the things our associates
          and customers do
          every day to support this great country."

          I got the scoop from www.snopes2.com, which is a worldwide recognized source
          of the truth or falsity of urban legends thrashing around the Internet. Go
          there and search on "Wal-Mart flags".
          "Debbie" just copied her letter from the legend, which, again, is bogus.
          John R.

          ~~~~~~

          Moving past the interesting topic of UFO's is the question about
          pot, smoke, grass, maryjane, joints, weed, doobie, roach, marijuana.

          Should it be legalized or not?

          Sound off.

          I tried it in 1966 and yes, I inhaled. I realize it is illegal and chose
          to obey the law. However, I have worked with people who had AIDs
          and realize relief, mercy could be extended.

          Personal opinon is it should be okay for people who are suffering from
          AIDs, Cancer, terminal illness. This is a legal, moral, and social
          question.

          B. J. Cassady
          Guthrie, Oklahoma

          Hi, Buffalo. I am putting my two cents in on the marijuana issue. I happen
          to agree with many of the Doctors and pharmacists that have been trying to
          get the government to make it legal for medicinal purposes. I don't have
          cancer, I don't have AID's, or any of the other illnesses that the THC in
          ptot is helpful for. But I do have MS. I Marijuana is an anti-spasmatic,
          reduces brain swelling, reduces nausea, and an anti-depressant. It also was
          being explored for medicinal uses for diabetics, because THC reduces blood
          sugar. That is one of the reason that those who smoke it get the munchies.

          I live a constant battle to obey the law, or seek ease of pain. and it is
          not easy, let me tell you.


          Azrael

          ~~~~~~

          Hello Buffalo,

          I would like to share my thoughts about Marijuana. First let me say I've
          been smoking it at least once a week for about the last 13 years , Yes I
          think it should be Legal , And if the Goverment had any common sense they
          would make it legal just so they could tax it just like they do with Alcohol
          .
          Now I'm not sure if there is any real truth that it helps with health
          probems, But this last september I lost my Mother to Lung Cancer, She was a
          30+ year Cigarette smoker,and at least a 25 year Pot smoker and I know that
          her last few months it helped with the Pain , and made life a little more
          bearable.

          So I think it Should be Legal But please use common sense , Don't drive,
          Keep it away from minors, all the things they try with Cigarettes and
          Alcohol
          Thanks for letting me add my 2 cents
          Joe




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          Parting Chips
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          Bonus Chip

          Robert, age eight, was the son of strict Presbyterian parents.
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          Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

          *********************************************

          Remember 9/11/01
        • B.Brabant
          Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. This our St. Patrick s Day Edition but we will
          Message 4 of 29 , Mar 17, 2002
            Clean Clean

            Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
            name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

            This our St. Patrick's Day Edition but we will discuss something green
            other than beer in my editorial.

            I promised an answer to BJC's question on my views on the use
            of marijuana and here it is. I find no physical harm in the smoking
            of marijuana for recreational or medical purposes. I know that there
            are millions of Americans that after a hard days work , drink a beer
            and smoke a joint and are a credit to the country that we live in. There
            are countless others that use it as relief for chemotherapy and the
            to combat the side-effects of drugs such as the ones used for AIDS.
            Although this is tolerated in some areas, there are still state and
            federal
            statutes against it . All companies doing business with the government
            have zero tolerance policies along with many companies in the private
            sector. In the state of Michigan, simple possession is a misdemeanor
            punishable by up to a year in jail, 2000 dollar fine, and suspension
            of your driver's license for 3 months.

            That is the black and white of the subject. Like most people my age
            I smoked in college and after I got out of the Navy and gave it up
            because the price was too high, not only in dollars but the fact that
            my job, my personal freedom, and my future was worth more than
            continued use. Even if it were to become legal and accepted tomorrow
            my decision would probably not change , I have new addictions
            that I enjoy much more, the key one being this computer and the
            ezines that I spend 6-8 hours a day on 7 days a week.
            Two final points of consideration. It is hard enough to prevent our
            children from developing bad habits without setting a negative example
            for them. The second is the " War On Terrorism". President Bush has
            asked us to maintain a heightened state of awareness and to also
            consider the fact that drug sales are used to finance criminal and
            terrorist operations in other countries. There are billions of dollars
            flowing out of this country every day to countries that don't have the
            resources to stop it. Some countries the drug lords have larger armies
            than the governments do. There's my opinion BJ for what it is worth.
            Enjoy the chips and go easy on the green beer ..buffalo


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            Dying Chips
            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            An old Irish man is lying in bed, very ill. His son is sitting at his
            bedside, expecting the end to come at any moment. The old man looks up at
            the boy and says, "Son, it's time for you to get me a Protestant minister."

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            good Catholic. You've been a good Catholic all your life. Ye don't want a
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            "Son, if you respect me and love me as a father, you'll go out and get me a
            Protestant minister right now."

            The son relents and goes out and gets the minister. They come back to the
            house, and the minister goes upstairs and converts him. As the minister is
            leaving the house, he passes Father O'Malley coming quickly through the
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            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Sunken Chips
            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly
            wandered by. "Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!" Don't worry," assured
            Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll
            pull ye right out o' there." Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and
            pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick
            said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it
            alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help." As Mick was leaving, Paddy
            called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the
            stirrups?"


            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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            Short Chips
            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            The roof of the chapel was leaking and the priest asked for volunteers to
            raise funds for its repair. Mike offered his services.
            About a week later, the priest met Mike who was straggling from side to side
            as a result of having imbibed too freely.
            Mike was apologetic. "I'm collecting for the roof, Father," he said. "Every
            one of the neighbours I called on insisted on giving me a wee drop after
            paying his subscription."
            The priest was shocked. "Are there no teetotallers in the parish, Mike?"
            "Oh, yes, to be sure," said Mike. " I've written to them."

            ~~~~~

            Mick staggered home in the wee small hours after a heavy night out with his
            mates. When he woke up the next morning, he found he was in bed with the dog
            beside him in his wife's place.
            "Glory be!" said Mick. " I must have been really drunk when I got home. I
            thought there was a lot of noise when I threw the dog out!"

            ~~~~~~

            A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name
            and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turns to the
            second drunk, and asks the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in
            the flat above Paddy."



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            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Party Of Five Chips
            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            A local Irisher was boasting about the grand party he and his pals had the
            night before.
            "Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."
            "Who were the five?" asked a listener.
            "Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was
            one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins,
            that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."
            "But you said there were five and you count only four."
            "Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began
            to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two,
            there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was
            Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I
            thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four."

            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in
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            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            O'Malley Chips
            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy
            him a drink.

            "Why of course," comes the reply.
            The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
            "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
            The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have
            another round to Ireland."

            "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks:
            "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply.

            "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have
            another drink to Dublin."

            "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first
            man asks: "What school did you go to?"

            "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
            "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I
            graduated in '62, too!"

            About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
            "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the
            bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."


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            Sister Marie Chips
            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Murphy approached Mulligan's bar. On the step outside he was accosted by a
            nun, Sister Marie, who said:

            'Surely a fine man like yourself is not going into this den of iniquity?
            Surely you're not going to waste your hard-earned cash on the devil's brew.
            Why don't you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children?'

            'Hang on, Sisters,' spluttered Murphy. 'How can you condemn alcohol out of
            hand? Surely it's wrong to form such a rash judgement when you've never
            tasted the stuff?'

            'Very well,' said Sister Marie. Till taste it just to prove my point.
            Obviously I can't go into the pub, so why don't you bring me some gin. Oh,
            and just to camouflage my intent, maybe you should bring it in a cup not a
            glass!'

            'OK,' said Murphy and into the bar he breezed.

            'I'll have a large gin,' he said to the barman. 'And can you put it in a
            cup?'

            'My God,' said the barman, 'that nun's not outside again is she?'



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            Parting Chips
            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Paddy was in America. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop
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            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Bonus Chip
            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan. The young couple sat in
            the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance
            of old man Phelan. One night he couldn"t take any more. Standing at the
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            all hours of the night?" "Why, Dad, " said Frances, "Michael was just
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            half as long!"

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            From The Buffalos Mail Box

            Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
            ( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors stood
            around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )

            Regarding K-mart, I have yet one more complaint....I purchased 2 pair's of
            jean's. One fit the other did not. I did not keep the receipt so thought I
            would just get a store credit, was wrong no credit on exchange. So I now
            have a pair of jean's I can't wear nor return.
            KIM
            from ILL

            ~~~~

            Buffalo,
            I received the following email and ordered this book. It brings back a lot
            of memories. This guy was a fireman and spent 20 years in the navy and
            retired as a Chief Petty Officer. I thought you might be interested, but I
            don't know how you would find the time to read it. I subscribe to your clean
            and adult Buffalo
            jokes. I always enjoy the commentary you provide at the beginning of the
            joke pages. Keep up the good work. Oh by the way I'm paying $121.00 a
            gallon for regular unleaded, then I have to add lead to my old 61 Dodge
            slant head six so the valves won't burn up.
            Steve


            From: Paul L. Adkisson
            To: Destroyer "Tin Can" Sailors
            Sent: Sunday, February 03, 2002 11:37 AM
            Subject: Book



            To those who know what it is to ride a "Tin Can".

            When my contract ended with the publisher I bought all remaining copies of
            ANCHORS AND EAGLES, the 676 page hard-back book I authored. I now have a
            diminishing inventory of untarnished, mint condition books that I am
            offering at half-price to anyone who served the Destroyer Fleet as I did.
            Ten chapters are devoted to Destroyer operations, port calls and related
            experiences. If you are interested in obtaining a copy please let me know.
            As long as my inventory lasts, I will continue offering them at half-price
            to shipmates and to others who served the U. S. Navy at $15 per copy plus $3
            to help offset my shipping/handling costs. That's $18.00 per book. A check
            or Money Order mailed to the below address is all it takes. My very best
            regards and my thanks to all of you who served.

            Paul L. Adkisson
            331 Wolf Creek Rd.
            Fredericksburg, TX 78624

            ~~~~~

            Dear Buffalo,
            Still enjoying your daily chips...in fact they are the highlight of
            my day! I've a question for you or for anyone who can answer it for me.
            I wrote to you in the past regarding my son who passed away while in
            Naval Boot Camp. I remember being given a pin.. a survivors pin. It had
            all the branches of the armed forces on it. For the life of me I cannot
            find it. I have the box it came in but not the pin. Would someone please
            direct me to a source so that I may get another. Your help is greatly
            appreciated. Thank you and keep up the good work!
            Sincerely, Pauline..aka Fair

            ~~~~~~~

            Sir:

            As a subscriber, and probably the only one on the Saudi Peninsula, I
            sometimes fine your readers comments interesting and informative.

            Perhaps they would be interested in the local Arab perspective, which can be
            seen via the local newspaper, The Gulf News.

            I would recommend that your readers scan the letters to the editors column,
            to which they are welcome to comment, for opinions and comments. The URL is:

            www.gulf-news.com

            I hope everyone finds it interesting.

            Gulfspan/Dubai

            ~~~~~

            Bill,
            This just seems so wrong . . . Why can't the child stay with the only
            parents he's ever known? Has anyone asked the child what he wants? What
            do you think?
            Annie
            Check it out at:
            http://www.lethimstay.com

            ~~~~~~

            Buffalo,

            As always, I read you every time you come in my "emu cage"...more often than
            not for your letter and the scuttlebutt, and only twice a week or so for the
            jokes. I have a poem that I found on the net that gives a reader the inside
            on an Andrea Yates.
            Prisoner


            A prisoner, trapped in my own mind
            the walls are made of brick
            there is no way out of it

            Don't open the wooden door
            it may look pretty on the outside
            but you don't want to let out the prisoner

            There is too much pain and fear
            it will over flow everywhere and
            there isn't enough room to contain it.

            Plus I'm holding the key
            and I don't want the hurt to
            ever come out or it will be the end.

            The prisoner can stay there
            deep within my soul
            never to be released to hurt me.

            Forget the prisoner
            toss the key into a pit of fire
            to be consumed over and over

            So the prisoner can die
            and never return to hurt
            me or anyone again

            written by "Treasure" Jan 8, 1999

            This letter was written by a person who has bipolar disorder. One who has
            not experienced this disorder may not relate, but can see the need for a
            support base for a person with this disease.

            In my opinion, Andrea had instead a husband that for personal beliefs (or
            delusions) of his own contributed an atmosphere on Andrea's "outside" that
            matched her "inside." They lived much of their marriage in a renovated bus,
            except for the last few months before the crime. They homeschooled. He
            kept her at home except for her once a week "break": a trip to the grocery
            store without the kids. Severely limited outside contact.

            The prison of her life fed the disease in her brain.

            I would venture to say that no matter where Andrea goes from here...death or
            prison...could only be a relief from such a hell as that.

            Pam

            ~~~~~~

            Dear Buffalo (Bill),

            First of all, I want to tell you that I love your newletter and I will give
            $10% off orders of $10.00 or more if they tell me they got the link from
            your newletter!
            For Unicorn Soaps go to www.chepstow.ca/unicorn.html

            Next, as for the Yates situation....I have suffered from depression most of
            my life and I may have wanted to take my own life a few times but NEVER my
            children's! (I have 4) I'm sorry but I can't believe that a psychotic
            episode would last long enough for her to kill all of her children in the
            way that she did and her not realize what she was doing even for a moment. I
            have a feeling that part of it was punishment to her husband because he
            didn't stay home after she told him that she might harm the kids. If it was
            a psychotic episode how would she have known ahead of time that it was going
            to happen???? As for the husband, he has probably listened to years of crap
            like that from her and probably figured she was just playing on his guilt.
            How was he to know that this time she would act on it?

            I'm sorry, but I have no sympathy for Mrs. Yates.

            Grneyes

            ~~~~~

            Hi Buffalo
            Look forward to your email each day, enjoy the jokes and your commentary.
            Keep up the good work.
            RE:
            "They lumped hemp into the drug catagory along with
            marijuana when the two don't actually share any psychoactive qualities,
            that is to say you can't get high by smoking hemp. Oh, and hemp is
            naturally biodegradable and much cheaper to produce. The list goes on and
            on...

            That's my two cents worth, though hopefully it's worth more than that }:>"
            (Graffix)

            "And leave hemp alone,
            it's not even a drug! It's just related to one. And smoking hemp will not
            get
            you high, but it might make you sick. Smoke a rope, see what happens."
            (Shadow)

            "From what I have discovered in my various researches, both on the 'net and
            off, it appears that hemp although distantly related to marijuana, is a
            totally different product."
            (farmboy
            Manitoba, Canada)

            Do all these people really not know that "Marijuana and the hemp plant are
            one and the same?" That's where the saying 'smoke a rope' came from.
            From the dictionary:
            "marijuana, marihuana n. 1.The hemp plant. 2. The dried flowers and leaves
            of
            this plant. esp. when smoked to induce euphoria."
            Doris

            Buffalo Says This is partially right. The stems were used to make rope and
            fabrics with and that was grown as a cash crop across much of the midwest
            up till World War II . The marijuana being sold on the streets is a hybrid
            kept from being pollinated to produce a higher THC content. In addition
            the Cannabis Indica variety from Asia has been crossbred and grown alone to
            produce pot that has 50 times the THC content of the hemp plant which
            is Cannabis Sativa.



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            Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

            *********************************************

            Remember 9/11/01
          • B.Brabant
            Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Lead Story on MSN Home Page Yesterday Cheney and
            Message 5 of 29 , Mar 24, 2002
              Clean Clean

              Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
              name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

              Lead Story on MSN Home Page Yesterday
              Cheney and Arafat Meeting in Limbo.. Gee I thought you had to be
              dead to be there..

              Gyppo/John's Story in the scuttlebutt reminds me of my first legal
              car, a 1965 Austin- Healey Sprite. By legal I mean that it was the first
              vehicle that I owned that was licensed and insured at the same time
              I was. The Sprite was the 4 cyl version of the 6 cyl. 3000 and was
              closer to a go-cart than a race car. It was a fun little fire-engine red
              convertible that weighed about 1200 lbs. The 1098 cc motor would
              propel you at speeds of 80 mph going downhill with a good tailwind
              and the clutch pedal pushed in so you didn't over rev the motor.
              The carburetion on it was twin sidedrafts that had little oil reservoirs
              on it that had to be checked frequently and the two carbs required
              balancing about once a month either with a air flow meter or two
              pieces of hose used like a stethoscope so you could hear the
              diaphragms in the carbs going chug chug alternately. This was the
              car of a mechanical enthusiast not someone who didn't want to
              open a hood.
              The car itself was perfect except for a small dent in the back fender
              where the previous owner and three of his biker buddies had stood it
              on it's back bumper to change the clutch. While opening fresh beers
              it fell over against the car parked behind it denting it. I never had a jack
              for it changing tires was done with a 2x4 for a lever and a couple of
              blocks.
              It was a great car to drive because with its low weight it would do
              a square turn at 50 mph without skidding, very forgiving to driving
              mistakes even though it did require the use of the transmission and
              brakes to stop properly and getting rolling on the upside of a hill
              taught you the heel and toe method of driving real fast.
              I was sorry to part company with the car but I was stationed in
              Bremerton ,Washington with rain 11 months of the year and during
              the second winter there I sold it rather than replace the convertible
              top that had finally wore out. Of course another deciding factor was
              the Bremerton Police Department who had given me my first ever
              ticket as I was driving it home and liked to follow me every time I
              drove it . I suspect it was my driving style and not the admiration
              of little red convertibles that attracted them though.
              Hope your having a great weekend , enjoy the chips , and thanks
              for letting me embellish about my car...buffalo


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              Extended Homilies Chips From Mojoman
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach,
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              administrate, enter data into the computer. Those who can't enter
              data into the computer, take dictation. Those who can't take
              dictation, alphabetize files. Those who can't alphabetize files,
              answer the phone. Those who can't answer the phone, fry
              hamburgers. Those who can't fry hamburgers, run the cash
              register. Those who can't run the cash register, wait on tables.
              Those who can't wait on tables, carry dirty dishes to the
              kitchen. Those who can't carry dirty dishes to the kitchen, wash
              the dirty dishes. Those who can't wash dirty dishes, peel
              potatoes. Those who can't peel potatoes, buff the floor. Those
              who can't buff the floor, haul out the garbage. Those who can't
              haul out the garbage, write poetry. Those who can't write poetry,
              write clever letters to the editor. Those who can't write clever
              letters to the editor, write angry letters to the editor. Those
              who can't write angry letters to the editor, spraypaint graffiti.
              Those who can't spraypaint graffiti, write screenplays. Those who
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              who can't get bitter, get confused. Those who can't get
              confused, stay confused. Those who stay confused, find it
              difficult to complete unfinished sentences. Those who find it
              difficult to complete unfinished sentences, _____________.

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              Toon Chips
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              Blonde Chips
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              A policeman interrogates three blondes who are training to become
              detectives.
              To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a
              picture for five seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would
              you recognize him?"

              The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only
              has one eye!"

              The policeman says, "Well, uh, that's because the picture shows his
              profile."

              Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for
              five seconds at
              the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you
              recognize him?"

              The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to
              catch because he only has one ear!"

              The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?! Of course
              only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile!
              Is that
              the best answer you can come up with?"

              Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde
              and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you
              recognize him?" He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid
              answer."

              The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmm - the
              suspect wears contact lenses."

              The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know if
              the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer.
              Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file."

              He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspects file in his
              computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I cant
              believe it. It's true! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good
              work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

              "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because
              he only has one eye and one ear."


              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              Merds Wixed Chips From Dianne
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              *A motorcycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
              *What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
              *Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
              *A backwards poet writes inverse.
              *In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism,
              it's your count that votes.
              *She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
              *A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
              *If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
              If you then pay them you get dispossessed.
              *With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
              *Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show
              you A-flat minor.
              *When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
              *The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully
              recovered.
              *A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
              result in Linoleum Blown apart.
              *You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
              *Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
              *He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
              *Every calendar's days are numbered.
              *A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
              *A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
              *He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
              *A plateau is a high form of flattery.
              *The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was
              a small medium at large.
              *Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed
              in the end.
              *Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
              *Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
              *When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she
              thought she'd dye.
              *Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
              *Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
              *Acupuncture is a jab well done.
              *Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              Light Bulb Chips
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
              A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.


              Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
              A: One-third less than for a regular bulb.


              Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in
              a light bulb?
              A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the
              other to give it a suprising twist at the end.


              Q: How many boring people does it take to change a light bulb?
              A: One.


              Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a
              light bulb?
              A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the
              light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent
              beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless
              absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.


              Q: How many Orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a lightbulb?
              A: Change?


              Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
              A: That's not funny!


              Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
              A: None. It turned itself in.


              Q: How many gorrilas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
              A: Only one, but it sure takes a truckload of light bulbs!


              Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
              A: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
              installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.


              Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
              A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.


              Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
              A: Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to
              do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.




              Q: How many college football players does it take to change a
              light bulb?
              A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!


              Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
              A: None.... There never *was* any light bulb, don't you remember?




              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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              LynnLynn's Links
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              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


              Recently in Traffic Court, a man who received an expensive parking
              ticket testified that a uniformed Policeman had given his OK for the
              man to park there.

              The Judge asked the man if he would recognise the Officer if he ever
              saw him again, and the man replied that he would.

              The Judge then said, "Good. When you see the Officer again, tell him
              he owes you 57 dollars. Next..."



              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              Another Light Bulb Chips
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              Q: How does a home schooler change a light bulb?

              A: First, mom checks three books on electricity out of the
              library, then the kids make models of light bulbs, read a
              biography of Thomas Edison and do a skit based on his
              life. Next, everyone studies the history of lighting
              methods, wrapping up with dipping their own candles. Next,
              everyone takes a trip to the store where they compare
              types of light bulbs as well as prices and figure out how
              much change they'll get if they buy two bulbs for $1.99
              and pay with a five dollar bill. On the way home, a
              discussion develops over the history of money and also
              Abraham Lincoln, as his picture is on the five dollar
              bill. Finally, after building a homemade ladder out of
              branches dragged from the woods, the light bulb is
              installed. And there is light.



              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              No Chips From David
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              WHAT PART OF "NO" DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND??......

              Ways to say NO and get your point across....Just say,
              " I would like to, but......"

              I have to floss my cat.
              I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
              It's my parakeet's bowling night.
              I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
              I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
              I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
              I'm being deported.
              I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
              I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
              I'm having all my plants neutered.
              I have to bleach my hare.
              I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
              I have to study for a blood test.
              My uncle escaped again.
              I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
              I have to go to court for kitty littering.

              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              Parting Chips
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              Two farmers were boasting about the strongest kind of wind they'd seen.

              "Out here in California," said one, "I've seen the fiercest wind in my
              life. You know these giant redwood trees? Well, the wind once got so
              strong, it bent them right down."

              "That's nothing," said the other. "Back on my farm in Iowa, we had a
              terrible
              wind one day that blew a hundred miles an hour. It was so bad one of my hens
              had
              her back turned to the wind and she laid the same egg six times."



              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              Bonus Chip
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              A bride called to make a change to her wedding
              registry. It is common, almost expected, that a bride
              will change something on her registry at least once
              (dishes, color of towels, etc.). The Customer Service
              Representative told her that J.C. Penney would be
              happy to make the change. He asked if the bride wanted
              to change the dishes or the linens.

              The bride said, "No, keep all that. I just wanted to
              change the name of the groom."


              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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              From The Buffalos Mail Box

              Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
              ( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors stood
              around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )

              Buffalo: In your letters section, you had a letter from "Don of Niagara
              Falls." If this is the same person who recently had a story published in
              Daily Inbox's "America In Uniform about his experience in the military with
              a man named Salty Bryant, I have a message for him:
              Don, I worked with a man a few years back who went by the name Salty
              Bryant. My father worked with him longer than I did, so I sent the story to
              my parents. A copy of it made its way to Salty Bryant, and I received the
              following e-mail yesterday:
              "Salty was sharing this story you sent regarding his escapades with a guy
              named Don of Niagara Falls.
              Do you have any other information regarding Don?
              Salty would really love to know exactly who this is.
              Anything you can do to help will be appreicated.
              Thanks."
              If you are the same "Don of Niagara Falls", please contact
              hai@... who is the individual who sent the message - and thanks.


              ~~~~~~

              Buffalo:
              I hate to rain (snow?) on your plans, but Dairy Queen, at least the ones
              around here, don't serve real ice cream. They only have ice milk. I'm
              sure, however, with a little detective work you'll be able to scout out some
              of the real stuff.
              SirJay

              ~~~~~~

              Buf....If your Dairy Queen is anything like here in US,,,don't ask for ice
              cream anything. DQ products have never been close to a dairy or a cow! E
              Sig Everett WA USA

              ~~~~~~

              For some reason, in Florida.. The auto dealerships are the only ones that
              have consistently flown the American Flag.......
              Tara from Merritt Island, FL (Space Coast)

              That's because Cuba doesn't make automobiles.

              BJ

              My idea of a REAL serving of ice cream is to open the carton flat, take
              your large butcher knife, make one cut length wise and one across. That
              is four servings and "if" I am behaving myself it will last 4 days
              Now, that you know I LOVE ice cream, Schwan's has a new fat free, sugar
              free ice cream that is very good. I took one bite and went to check the
              box to be sure I had been given what I ordered.

              It comes in 4oz cups and has 100cal.
              My "skinny" husband loves it and he is not an ice cream hound.

              Congratulations on losing 30 pounds, that is super and your doctor
              should have praised you. I have heard that you should only lose 10% of
              your body weight at a time. Then maintain that loss for the same length
              of time it took you to lose it and then go for another 10%

              You are being wise in taking care of your health now. Don't diet change
              your eating style for a life time. You are not going to be sorry 10 15
              yrs down the road that you learned to eat correctly. Yes! Full fat ice
              cream is OK once in awhile. Anything is ok if you use common sense.

              Keep up your good work.

              GWH

              ~~~~~~


              Hi Buff it's just Me a/k/a "misguided waif"

              In loving response to my fellow Southrun Reb 'Spunky5180 on the moon
              pie/Coke thang....

              First of all...NO I was not born in the South but in that Other Great State
              Hawaii...I was lucky enough to be transplanted in the First Great State
              Georgia of which I have spent 37.33 years of my 40 years of life. I have
              spent this last 3 years in Alaska. This does not mean I have to like much
              less eat moon pies. I do not like them with my Coke I do not like them with
              ANY Folk, I do not like them anywhere near my table I would not feed them to
              a pig in my stable!!! I put them right up there with them orange peanut
              thingies and marshmallow creme filled Easter eggs with that hard shell
              coating that my own Mother so loves. Diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks.
              Ain't this what makes the South so great?

              Now then, on the other hand. I simply MUST have my grits, fried okra, fried
              green tomatoes, brunswick stew (my recipe won the fair last year up here in
              Alaska, by the way), Blue Plate mayo, Hot Chix sauce and Dale's Seasoning
              (the latter 3 I have to go online and order). For all you peeps out there
              wanna comment on the "brunswick stew" thing not being Southern I'll tell ya
              right now...it is Southern when ya get yourself a 5 gallon drum to cook it
              in and ya cook it for at LEAST 2 days over an open pit fire!

              But then again...I think prolly you "God given Baptist" - like types prolly
              throw in a live snake or 2 ever other Sunday instead of pork...ya
              know...seasoning...to keep the "aliens" and Jehovah Witnesses away. What's
              your take on Catholics, by the way?

              And I must say...if your wife has to use moon pies to "cover up the faults
              and shortcomins of many other dishes" she must not be very Southern, right?
              I mean...ANYBODY who is a True Southern knows how to cook....surely!!!

              Anyway.....Spunky...you made me laugh and I appreciate it very much...I
              thank you for making me laugh profusely and for reminding me how much I
              miss/need The South. =) Vicki




              <<(-o-)>>

              AYukADay and AYukADay Part Too Copyright 1999-2002 by Vicki DeArmon Jasper
              Adult humor, links, helpful (?) hints, etc.
              Must be over 18 to subscribe.
              Brought to you almost daily from the Great State of Alaska: Land of the
              Free and Home of Really LARGE Roadkill!!

              AYukADayLite Copyright 2001/2002 Clean humor, links, recipes and helpful
              hints.
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              ~~~~~~~


              As a teenager growing up in northern Michigan it was my job to change the
              tires on Dad's car from regular summer tires to snow tires in the fall and
              back again each spring, using the same rims.
              Yes, I have changed many tires by using the weight of the car on a jack to
              break the bead loose from the rim, and using a pair of tire irons to remove
              and reinstall the tire on the rim, however, I didn't experience the sealing
              problem because the tires I were working with were the older tube type.
              I was usually rewarded for my efforts by being allowed to drive my borthers
              and sister to the A & W in the Soo for a root beer float.
              John in Oklahoma

              ~~~~~~

              The following was sent to me by a friend of a friend. I can see quite a
              few salient points.

              gordon

              ----------------------------------------------------------
              Nugent nugget
              ----------------------------------------------------------
              At least 90% of this is good stuff.
              I never thought him much of a musician and much
              less a philosopher but there is some truth to his angst.
              Written by Ted Nugent, the rock singer and
              hunter/naturalists, upon hearing that Ca. Senators
              B. Boxer and D. Fienstien denounced him for being a
              "gun owner" and a "Rock Star".
              This was his response after telling the
              senators about his past contributions to children's
              charities and scholarship foundations which have
              totaled more than $13.7 million in the last 5 years!!
              ----------------------------------------------------------
              I'm A Bad American-this pretty much sums it up for me.
              I like big trucks, big boats, big
              houses, and naturally, pretty women.
              I believe the money I make belongs to me
              and my family, not some midlevel governmental
              functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to
              give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.
              I don't care about appearing compassionate.
              I think playing with toy guns doesn't make you a
              killer - I believe ignoring our kids and giving
              them Prozac might. I think I'm doing better than the homeless.
              I don't think being a minority makes you
              noble or victimized. I have the right not to be
              tolerant of others because they are different,
              weird or make me mad. This is my life to live,
              and not necessarily up to others expectations.
              I know what SEX is and there are not varying degrees of it.
              I don't celebrate Kwanzaa. But if you want
              to that's fine; just don't feel like everyone
              else should have to. I believe that if you are
              selling me a Dairy Queen shake, a pack of cigarettes,
              or hotel room you do it in English. As of matter of fact,
              if you are an American citizen you should speak English.
              My uncles and forefathers shouldn't have had to die
              in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in
              to come disrespect ours, and make us bend to your will.
              Get over it.
              I think the cops have every right to shoot
              your sorry butt if you're running from them after
              they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the
              word 'freeze' or 'stop' in English, see the previous line.
              I don't use the excuse "it's for the children"
              as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions. Know
              how to count votes and I feel much safer letting a
              machine with no political affiliation do are count
              when needed. I know what the definition of lying is,
              and it isn't based on the word "is" - ever.
              I don't think just because you were not born
              in this country, you qualify for any special loan
              programs, gov't sponsored bank loans, etc., so you
              can open a hotel, 7-Eleven, trinket shop, or any
              thing else, while the indigenous peoples can't get
              past a high school education because they can't afford it.
              I didn't take the initiative in inventing the Internet.
              I thought the Taco Bell dog was funny.
              I want them to bring back safe and sane fireworks.
              I believe no one ever died because of
              something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson
              sang, but that doesn't mean I want to listen to that
              crap from someone else's car when I'm stopped at a
              red light. But I respect your right to.
              I think that being a student doesn't give
              you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster
              or Jack In The Box. I don't want to eat or drink
              anything with the words light, lite or fat-free on the package.
              Our soldiers did not go to some foreign country
              and risk their lives in vain and defend our
              Constitution so that decades later you can tell me
              it's a living document ever-changing and is open to
              interpretation. The guys who wrote it were light years
              ahead of anyone today, and they meant what they said -
              now leave the document alone, or there's going to be trouble.
              I don't hate the rich. I help the poor. I know wrestling is fake.
              I've never owned, or was a slave, and a large
              percentage of our forefathers weren't wealthy enough
              to own one either. Please stop blaming me because
              some prior white people were idiots - and remember,
              tons of white, Indian, Chinese, and other races have
              been enslaved too - it was wrong for every one of them.
              I believe a self-righteous liberal with a cause
              is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.
              I want to know exactly which church is it
              where the "Reverend" Jessie Jackson preaches;
              and, what exactly is his job function.
              I own a gun, you can own a gun, and any red
              blooded American should be allowed to own a gun,
              but if you use it in a crime, then you will serve the time.
              I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every
              penny he made and continue to make more. If it makes
              you mad, then invent the next operating system that's
              better and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy
              that invented the Internet to help you.
              I don't believe in hate-crime legislation.
              Even suggesting it makes me mad.
              You're telling me that someone who is a minority, gay,
              disabled, another nationality, or other-wise different from
              the mainstream of this country has more value as a human
              being that I do as a white male. If someone kills anyone,
              I'd say that it's a hate crime. We don't need more laws!
              Let's enforce the ones we already have.
              I think turkey bacon, turkey beef, turkey fake anything sucks.
              I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a
              child - it takes a parent with the guts to stand up to the
              kid and spank his butt and say "NO!" when it's necessary to do so.
              I'll admit that the only movie
              that ever made me cry was Ole Yeller.
              I didn't realize Dr. Seuss
              was a genius until I had a kid.
              I will not be frowned upon or be looked down upon or be
              made to keep silent because I have these beliefs and opinions.
              I thought this country allowed me that right. I will not conform
              or compromise just to keep from hurting somebody's feelings. I'm
              neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the
              mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.
              Yes, I guess by some people's definition,
              I may be a bad American.
              But that's tough.

              Gordon


              "Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people
              who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it". - Mark Twain

              ~~~~

              Hey Buff, Love your jokes and I think the Yates lady should have medical
              help not prison. Also carry a can of starting fluid with you and when you
              mount a tire and try to get it aired you spray a puff of starting fluid into
              the tire and out side and strick a match to the stream from the outside to
              the inside and when it explodes it will seat its self. We do truck tires
              like that all the time. Cliff

              ~~~~~~

              Hi, Buffalo.

              A couple of things to maybe amuse you. Also,
              if you feel like giving my newsletter another mention
              I'd be delighted. You did it once before when it was a
              website. I've already got you on my list of sources
              for 'Guest Jokes' in the Monday Silly Digest.

              Contact details: mail to gyppo@...
              with SUB as subject line. The following give just a
              small sample of what readers can expect.

              Thanks anyway, whichever decision you make.

              Gyppo/John

              *****

              The story about Viagra and Greyhounds got me
              thinking....

              Quote **"...Viagra could be used to raise the
              dogs' blood pressure and therefore heart rate, making
              them run faster in the early
              stages of a race."
              If Viagra really does offer an advantage to
              these dogs, wouldn't the whole plan backfire? I mean,
              come on, it'd be really easy to spot which one was
              going to be the winner, wouldn't it? "** End Quote

              Well, I've just seen a greyhound running down
              the road opposite my house, and if it had been on
              Viagra one of two things would have happened.

              a) It would have dragged like an anchor,
              ploughing a furrow in the turf, or...

              b) The damn thing would have pole-vaulted
              twenty feet or more with a run-up at that speed..

              *****

              And a Driving Tale,dragged from the memory bank
              by reading about the man who slid into an old lady's
              garden.

              A friend from college days owned - only briefly
              because it *ate* his driving licence - an Austin Healey
              3000. A rough tough old sports car with none of the
              modern luxuries.

              He somewhat overcooked it on a fast stretch and
              slid off the road on a slightly banked corner. The car
              few through the air sideways on, little more than 3
              feet clear of the ground, neatly crossed an eighteen
              inch high brick wall, and touched down firmly,
              sideways, flat on all four wheels, in a cottage garden.
              It rocked a little but didn't roll, either sideways,
              forwards, or backwards.

              A little old lady came out and politely offered
              him a cup of tea and the use of her phone to call a
              breakdown vehicle.

              When the mechanic arrived, expecting a simple
              towing job, he nearly p***ed himself laughing. There
              was little more than six inches space either end of the
              car and not much more on the side nearest the road. On
              the fourth side there was about twenty feet of neat
              lawn and then the cottage, with a small side gate just
              big enough to walk through.

              It truly looked as if the wall had been built
              around the car. Eventually it was hoisted back out
              onto the road with a couple of slings and a biggish
              crane. The insurance company paid for the recovery,
              although the car was almost undamaged. But Viv's
              insurance went through the roof, and a couple of
              speeding tickets soon after sent him back to trains and
              buses. He even sold the Aviator's Sheepskin Flying
              Jacket which - along with yellow tinted 'night
              driving' glasses had been an essential part of his
              image.

              ~~~~~~~

              Thought you might like this little item for your readers. The only
              exercise some of them get is running their mouth. I love reading some of
              the ideas they have, but sure am glad they are not in charge of anything
              important. I hope some of them are teen-agers, as they act like they
              know it all. Having loved almost 70 years, I find here is still a lot to
              learn and I have been there, done that!!! Enjoy reading it tho, as it
              just shows how much more there is to learn. Your ezine is a great
              teaching machine for the public. Keep up the good work. Now here is my
              tid-bit for your readers.
              Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do
              it daily,but my body doesn't want me to do to much, so I
              have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do
              not require physical exercise. You are invited to use my
              program without charge.
              01) Beating around the bush
              02) Jumping to conclusions
              03) Climbing the walls
              04) Swallowing my pride
              05) Passing the buck
              06) Throwing my weight around
              07) Dragging my heels
              08) Pushing my luck
              09) Making mountains out of molehills
              10) Hitting the nail on the head
              11) Wading through paperwork
              12) Bending over backwards
              13) Jumping on the bandwagon
              14) Balancing the books
              15) Running around in circles
              16) Eating crow
              17) Tooting my own horn
              18) Climbing the ladder of success
              19) Pulling out the stops
              20) Adding fuel to the fire
              21) Opening a can of worms
              22) Putting my foot in my mouth
              23) Starting the ball rolling
              24) Going over the edge
              25) Picking up the pieces
              Whew! What a workout! I think I'll exercise my caution now,
              and sit down.

              Luann

              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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              Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

              *********************************************

              Remember 9/11/01
            • B.Brabant
              Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Outside where it is supposed to be Spring , there
              Message 6 of 29 , Apr 7, 2002
                Clean Clean


                Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
                name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

                Outside where it is supposed to be Spring , there is several
                inches of new snow on the ground. The salt and sand trucks
                are out everywhere as there are cars flipped over on the Interstate
                and off the road in the trees and the wrecker companies are
                very popular today. It was supposed to be 50 degrees and
                raining. Oh well like they say " It will help the old snow melt faster"
                and "Its a dry heat" and "The checks In the mail".
                I am printing the annual request to boycott the gas companies
                today. It won't work because the big companies own the refineries
                and will just raise the price of gas to the independent stations too.
                I am printing it in hopes that no one else will send it to me. I
                receive every piece of mail that is going around at the time
                3 or 400 times and it gets pretty depressing after a while so
                I print them and now we all have seen them and no one sends
                them for another year.
                Next point Jane Fonda disgusts me but not half as much as the
                letter that has been circulating around since 1999 that I receive
                ten times a week . The woman turned traitor just for a photo-op
                and she probably still enjoys the fact her face is being circulated
                all over the net. The worst possible thing that could happen to her
                is to have her cease to exist in the public eye. Instead we circulate
                her story and I get a lot of why can't we just get along together
                mail and forgive Jane letters and it slows down the internet and
                our surfing. If we got to talk about her since all of us Vietnam era
                people know the story , let's just assign her a number like 86 as
                in 86 Jane from the U.S. and when we see the number we can
                grumble , go eat some more blood pressure pills and forget
                about her till next time someone says 86.
                Enjoy the chips have a nice Sunday and snowball fight at the
                Buffalo's place after brunch.




                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Small Town Chips From Mojoman
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                You might be from a small town if...


                1. You can name everyone you graduated with.

                2. You went to parties in a field, a bush, a gravel pit, or in the middle of
                a dirt road (and the party couldn't start until someone with a big stereo in
                their truck showed up.

                3. You used to cruise "main".

                4. You got a fine and your parents knew within
                the hour.

                5. You scheduled parties around the schedule of different police officers,
                since you know which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't.

                6. You could never buy cigarettes or booze because all the store clerks knew
                how old you were.

                7. When you did find somebody old enough to buy cigarettes/booze, you still
                had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke and drink.

                8. It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town.

                9. The whole school went to the same party after graduation.

                10. You don't give directions by street names, but by references (turn by
                Nelson's house, go 2 blocks past Anderson's, and it's four houses left of
                the track field).

                11. The golf course had only 9 holes.

                12. You can't help but date a friend's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.

                13. Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads and you will never own a
                light-coloured vehicle for this reason.

                14. The town next to you is considered "trashy"or "snooty", but is actually
                just like your town.

                15. You refer to anyone with a house newer then 1980 as "the rich people".

                16. The people in the "big city" dress funny - then you pick up the trend 2
                years later.

                17. Anyone you want can be found at either the local gas station or the town
                pub or coffee shop.

                18. Directions are given using the 4-way stop as a reference.

                19. You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask
                you if you want a ride somewhere.

                20. Your teachers call you by your older siblings' names.

                21. Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.

                22. You can charge at all the local stores or write cheques without any i.d.

                23. The closest Mcdonald's is 45 miles away (or more).

                24. The best mall is over an hour away.

                25. It is normal to see an old man picking bottles in the ditch (and you
                know his name).

                26. Everyone who played sports had to play on every type of team, or there
                wouldn't be enough people to have a team.

                27. Being able to hit a road sign with a beer bottle while driving down the
                highway is considered a necessary skill.

                28. A cool vehicle had big tires or a bad-ass stereo.

                29. You can remember when your town finally got cable.

                30. Driving to the party on a four wheeler is quite normal.

                31. You thought the 30-year-old guy that still was at all the parties was
                cool.

                32. The whole town wreaks when the fish trucks drive through.

                33. The town population increases by one-third when the universities go on
                break.

                34. The best burgers in town are at the rink.

                35. You know exactly where to go when the party is at "the lake".

                36. You lost your virginity at a bush party.

                37. You laugh 'til your sides hurt reading this because you know it is all
                true and you forward it to everyone who lives in your town (because you know
                them all!!!)


                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Toon Chips
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                Deer Hunting
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                Corporate America
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                Log Off!
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                <a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny277.html">Here!</a>

                Lost & Found?
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                <a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny278.html">Here!</a>

                http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00030544 Windows Error Message #6
                http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00030546 M&M's for Blonds!

                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Short Chips
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                A husband comes home on payday and hands his wife an empty
                pay envelope. She says, "What happened?"

                "I'm not sure." he replies. "Either they made a mistake in
                the payroll department or my deductions finally caught up
                with my salary."

                ~~~~

                A research team of two proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic
                protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a
                sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which
                was unspecified.
                One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to
                the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure; subsequently the
                second member of the team performed a self rotational translation oriented
                in the same direction taken by the first team member.

                In simple English what does this translate to??

                jack and jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water jack fell down and
                broke his crown and jill came tumbling after.


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                Annulment Chips From Roseanne
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                Bill and Sandy had married under none too happy circumstances, and their
                married life had not been anything to brag about either.
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                "It's like this, your Honor," answered Bill, "I've just learned that
                Sandy's father never had a license to carry a gun."


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                A meek little fellow in a restaurant timidly touched the arm
                of a man putting on an overcoat. "Excuse me," he said, "but
                do you happen to be Mr. Smith of Newport?"

                "No, I'm not Mr. Smith," answered the man impatiently.

                "Oh, well you see," continued the first man, "I am, and
                that's his overcoat you're putting on."


                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Bagel Chips
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful
                manner.The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close
                up shop when a little man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella,
                blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But
                even so he still looked wet and bedraggled.

                As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two bagels to go,
                please?"

                The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"

                "That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Bernice."

                "Bernice is your wife?" Asked the baker.

                "Of course she's my wife! Do you think my mother would send me out on a
                night like this?"





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                Flying Chips
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Pierre and Boudreaux was flying to Mardi Gras. Boudreaux was flying da
                plane, and Pierre was in da back when da plane started bouncin around and
                knocked Boudreaux unconscious.

                Pierre got worried when da plane started driftin, and come up to da front
                to find Boudreaux sprawl out all over da steerin wheel. Well, Pierre don't
                know nuttin bout flyin so he grab da microphone and holla "May Day! May
                Day!

                Dis is Cajun Air Line 90210. Boudreaux, him knock unconscious an I don
                know
                nuttin about flyin dis plane!"

                "Dis is da control tower," someone answer. "Don you worry 'bout nuttin.
                We gonna splain you how to land dis plane, step by step. Furst, how high
                you
                are, an whas you position?"

                Pierre thought a minute, "I'm five foot ten an I'm all da way to da front
                of dis plane. "No! No!" answer da tower. "What you altitude, an where you
                location?" Pierre say, "Man, rat now ah got a po attitude, an I'm from
                Lawzeeanna!" "No! No!" came the exasperated voice. "Ah needs to know how
                many feet you got off da ground and you planes relation to da airport!"

                Pierre, he really be panicking by dis time. He say firmly, "Counting
                Boudreaux's feets an mine togedder, we got fo feet off da groun! An I don
                believe dis plane be related to you airport!"

                A long pause in da Control Tower--de silence was deafaning and then the
                voice come back-- "We needs to know who be you next of kin.."


                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                Parting Chips Redneck Puter Geek
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Ya see the word "Zip" and know why you'z feelin' a draft.

                If yer computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or
                2 x 8's and cinderblocks.

                Ya think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestlin'
                organization.

                Someone tells ya he's "locked up" and ya ask if he needs bail
                money.

                Ya've ever been too drunk to chat.

                Ya think a harddrive is a trip to Uncle Bubba's.

                Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.

                Ya think a surge suppressor is a pill for diarrhea.

                Ya keep trying to figure out why yer scanner won't pick
                up police radio calls.

                Ya think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonald's.

                Ya have to ask someone how to spell LOL.

                Yer stomach overlaps half of yer keyboard.

                Ya try to figure out how to get yer empty beer cans into the
                recyclin' bin.

                Ya try to turn on yer computer with the remote.

                Ya find yerself on the floor looking into yer "A Drive,"
                yelling 'Give it back! Give it Back.'

                When birds fly across yer screen an ya reach for yer shotgun.

                Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk

                Yer yards full of ol' computers stacked on cinder blocks.

                Ya call tech support an ask where ta buy stamps fer yer
                e-mail.

                When ya turn yer computer on, ya say "Come OOOOOOON, Betsy."

                Ya think ICQ is how smart yer computer is.

                Someone tellz ya yer computer has a bug an ya reach for the
                can of Raid.

                Ya go buy a surfboard to surf the net.

                Ya think yer homepage is where ya really live.

                Ya give Directions to a website that include a person, animal,
                or old barn.

                Ya Think MB stands for "More Beer."

                Ya wait fer the bluelight special at K-Mart ta buy yer 'puter.

                Ya see the word Download and take the shells out of yer
                shotgun.

                Ya think the person that made yer keyboard was dumb cuz the
                letters ain't in order.

                Ya think pushing the delete key will make yer ol' lady
                disappear.

                Ya think GIF stands fer "Goodie! It's Free!"

                Ya see the "shift" key and try ta figure out how ta
                change gears.

                Ya put a quilt over yer screen when ya make whoopee with yer
                ol' lady.

                Ya wonder why yer screen saver ain't wearing a cape like that
                there superhero on the cartoons.

                Ya think Geocities is a place ta buy lil cars.

                Ya catch yerself tryin' to smell the li'l flower on yer ICQ
                contact list.

                Ya think the "A drive" is where ya park yer pickup.

                Yer 'puter has a bumper sticker on it.

                Part of yer 'puter is held together with duct tape.

                Ya sees the word "Refresh" and reach into the cooler fer
                another beer.

                Ya's in a chat room, 'n' someone asks where yer from 'n' ya
                reply, "My momma."

                Ya sees the word "Website" and start looking for spiders.



                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Bonus Chip
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Only In America....

                Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

                Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating
                rink.

                Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back
                of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
                cigarettes at the front.

                Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and
                a diet coke.

                Only in America...do banks leave safe doors open and then chain the pens
                to the counters.

                Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
                driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

                Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then
                have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to
                talk to in the first place.

                Only in America....do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
                packages of eight.

                Only in America...do we use the word politics" to describe the process so
                well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking
                creatures."

                Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
                lettering


                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                The Herbal Buffalo
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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                From The Buffalos Mail Box

                Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
                ( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors stood
                around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )

                Hi Buffalo,
                Love your sites out here. Am an avid fan.
                Bree said that I should tell you this story, so I decided to send it
                along with her reply.Could I please have another pic of you, I somehow
                lost yours outhere somewhere!
                This is a true story.
                Take care
                Sandi


                You know what, I can't wait to get his e-mails. I send them on to some
                friends all the time. When we first got out here in June of last year, I
                subscribed to him. Pretty soon I get this pic of a big guy with beard and
                lots of hair, Later as I became more familiar, I find alot of similar things
                in his family and ours. His wife's name I believe is Sandi and his
                daughter, Buffy, which was our beloved poodles name of 17 yrs.She is long
                gone, but fond memories remain.Your stories and his, plus all the extras are
                so neat,They were talking about NEHI pop alot recently and said that they
                have a hard time finding some. Well, I should write to him and tell him
                that I grew up about 1/2 block away with a NEHI factory.In fact, one of our
                church members worked there and every time he would see us out playing
                there, would bring out free Nehi of allflavors and give them to us for free.
                What a great memory!!!!

                Buffalo says : Last year I mistook another woman for you because
                she was talking about her Buffy and I asked if she was the person
                who had the little dog named Buffy and she wrote back and reminded
                me of the conversation we had had of her daughter Elizabeth who
                pronounced her name Liz a buff and was nicnamed Buffy.. I was so
                embarassed heh heh . Great hearing from you again and photo
                is on way.

                ~~~~

                Calgary Alberta

                with crazy weather and nutty people.
                its almost snowing and the slow-pitch league is practicing.
                Its about 40 degrees F.
                Although they have their gloves on, I see no evidence of mittens:-)

                DF

                ~~~~~


                Aloha Mr. Bill,

                I can sympathize with the following lady, I just cringe when my hubbie
                sends
                me to either the auto parts or the hardware store -- & do you think he
                reciprocates & buys me "feminine" stuff when I can't leave the house??
                Talk
                about cringing! :0)

                lorriek (The joke was about the 710 cap)

                I'd like to make a comment to Lorriek who sympathized with the woman in
                the joke about the 710 (oil) cap.....

                My husband used to send me to the dealers to buy repair for the combine
                and other farm machinery. I really admired the one parts man who would
                listen to me tell him I needed a thing-a-bob to go on the little
                doo-hinkey beside the what-cha-ma-callit . . . and he could give me the
                correct piece. (Later I got smart and made my husband call the dealer
                and tell him what was needed before I made the trip to town.)

                Mitzi from Monticello



                ~~~~~

                In a message dated 4/5/2002 1:45:04 AM Central America Standard Time,
                buffalo@... writes:


                Oxymoron List
                http://www.oxymoronlist.com/



                THANKS FOR THIS LINK!!! I've collected oxymorons for the past 5 years.
                This one has'em all and many more! Oy!

                Kindest regards,
                Larry T. Green

                Xylophataquieopiaphobia (n) - the fear of failing to pronounce words
                correctly

                ~~~~~


                Buffalo, As I was growing up in Kansas we were using an outhouse that was
                about 80 yards from our house. To get to the outhouse it was necessary to
                run
                the gauntlet (so to speak) past the four bee hives situated along the path.
                We would have to wait until the bees were not swarming too badly and then
                take off and run like the devil was after us. Sometimes we made it without a
                sting going to it but we usually got stung on the way back. We used
                newspapers when we had them, because they were softer and more absorbent,
                but
                mostly we used Sears-Roebuck catalogs to finish our trip to the outhouse.
                Those pages were very slick and had NO absorbency. Every Halloween my Dad
                had
                to go out and set our outhouse back upright because it was always knocked
                over that night. I also remember the iceman coming twice a week to bring a
                huge block of ice for our "icebox." Yes, that is what they were called. We
                also did all of our washing in tubs sitting in our back yard after heating
                water on the stove. We hung what we had lines to hang on and then spread the
                rest of the clothes on tall grass to dry. Everything had to be ironed
                including handkerchiefs. When I was about 10 years old we acquired a
                wringer-type washer that we had to turn with our hand. Of course, I was the
                first one to get my hand caught in it and split two fingers before Mom could
                get my hand out. My Dad always put out a large garden and all of us had to
                hoe to keep the weeds down and gather the produce when it was ripe and then
                can anything that would fit into a jar. Having four girls and two boys meant
                a lot of mouths to feed. Hoeing around and hilling up potatoes was my least
                favorite thing to do in the garden but my Dad always made the girls learn
                because he loved the land so much that he thought everyone should love it
                that way too. I guess it worked because every spring my hands start itching
                to get out into the dirt and plant something. I have at this moment a jar of
                Kansas black dirt that I brought with me when we came to Georgia over 40
                years ago. There is no dirt anywhere that looks blacker and more fertile
                than
                this. We were taught self-reliance from the time we could understand speech
                and that is what I have tried to instill in my children and grandchildren.
                We
                always had a chicken pen filled with laying hens and a couple of roosters.
                We
                always got the chicks in the early part of the year and kept them in huge
                cardboard boxes around the only heating stove in the front room until it was
                warm enough to put them out in the chicken pen. We raised hogs that went to
                slaughter after the first freeze. Gee, that was quite a trip down Memory
                Lane! I didn't even mention the oil lamps and the lack of air-conditioning.
                Our air-conditioning was the Kansas wind blowing like a gale every day of my
                life. That I really miss. Squirrel

                ~~~~~

                Buffalo,

                I am thoroughly disgusted by the blatant commercialism for the pictures of
                Ground Zero. Somebody is trying to make a few paltry dollars from the
                disaster of 9-11.
                And shame on you for fostering this greed.!!!!!

                Just like the Commemorative albums that get released when somebody famous
                dies. "'So and So is gone but their memory lives on in this beatiful
                tribute. Send only $14.95 for cassettes and $17.95 for CD's along with $5.95
                S&H and you can listen to all the wonderful music So and So gave us over the
                years."

                HOG SLOP!!!!

                tom

                Buffalo says .. It is actually a high selling item because people want
                visual memories of September 11 but if I had known that you were
                willing to go to New York and Take pictures and send them out to
                everyone who wants them for free I would have sent your address out instead.

                ~~~~~~~

                Dear Bill,
                I have seen the joke on the "seven ten cap" and it made me think about
                one of my experiences in an auto parts store.
                I needed a head light for our van one time and went in an auto parts store
                to get one. I told the man what model and year I had and he goes to the
                computer and then hands me a box. I looked at the box and it is a light for
                a two light system. I only have one light on a side. I told him that it
                was wrong and he insisted that it was right because that is what the
                computer said. I tried to explain that I only had a one light system, not a
                two light, but he in effect, told me I was dumb and he was right.
                I finally got smart and quit arguing with him and put the light back on
                the shelf and found the right one by myself.
                I guess it is the "seven ten" ladies that make the rest of us look bad,
                but not all of us are idiots!!
                Thanks for your terrific mailing. You are the best.
                By the way, when your wife is finished with you, can I have you?
                Marleen

                Buffalo says My wife has been finished with me for years but she keeps
                me around because the cats are attached to me .

                ~~~~

                Subject: gas prices


                This has viability
                Join the resistance!!!!

                I hear we are going to hit close to $3.00 a gallon by the summer. Want
                gasoline prices to come down? We need to take some intelligent, united
                action. Phillip Hollsworth, offered this good idea: This makes MUCH MORE
                SENSE than the "don't buy gas on a certain day" campaign
                that was going around last April or May! The oil companies just
                laughed at that because they knew we wouldn't continue to "hurt" ourselves
                by refusing to buy gas. It was more of an inconvenience to us than it was a
                problem for them.

                BUT, whoever thought of this idea, has come up with a plan that can really
                work. Please read it and join with us!

                By now you're probably thinking gasoline priced at about $1.50 is super
                cheap. Me too! It is currently $1.97 for regular unleaded in my town.

                Now that the oil companies and the OPEC nations have conditioned us to think
                that the cost of a gallon of gas is CHEAP at $1.50- $1.75, we need to take
                aggressive action to teach them that BUYERS control the
                marketplace....not sellers. With the price of gasoline going up more each
                day, we consumers need to take action.

                The only way we are going to see the price of gas come down is if we hit
                someone in the pocketbook by not purchasing their gas! And we can do that
                WITHOUT hurting ourselves. How? Since we all rely on our
                cars, we can't just stop buying gas. But we CAN have an impact on gas prices
                if we all act together to force a price war.

                Here's the idea: For the rest of this year, DON'T purchase ANY gasoline from
                the two biggest companies (which now are one), EXXON and MOBIL. If they are
                not selling any gas, they will be inclined to reduce their prices. If they
                reduce their prices, the other
                companies will have to follow suit. But to have an impact, we need to reach
                literally millions of Exxon and Mobil gas buyers.

                It's really simple to do!! Now, don't whimp out on me at this point...keep
                reading and I'll explain how simple it is to reach millions of people!!

                I am sending this note to about thirty people. If each of you send it to at
                least ten more (30 x 10 = 300) ... and those 300 send it to at least ten
                more (300 x 10 = 3,000)...and so on, by the time the message reaches the
                sixth generation of people, we will have reached over THREE
                MILLION consumers! If those three million get excited and pass this on to
                ten friends each, then 30 million people will have been contacted! If it
                goes one level further, you guessed it..... THREE HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE!!!
                Again, all You have to do is send this to
                10 people. That's all. (If you don't understand how we can reach 300 million
                and all you have to do is send this to 10 people.... Well, let's face it,
                you just aren't a mathematician. But I am ... so trust me on this
                one.)

                How long would all that take? If each of us sends this email out to ten more
                people within one day of receipt, all 300 MILLION people could conceivably
                be contacted within the next 8 days!!! I'll bet you I didn't
                think you and I had that much potential, did you! Acting together
                we can make a difference. If this makes sense to you, please pass this
                message on. PLEASE HOLD OUT UNTIL THEY LOWER THEIR PRICES TO THE $1.30 RANGE
                AND KEEP THEM DOWN. THIS CAN REALLY WORK.

                ~~~~~

                Hi, Buffalo,

                I've been thinking about a vacation to the UP, but, if
                your weekends smell like burned cat fur . . . .

                Christine

                Buffalo says Actually we normally singe the cats during the week
                when there is nothing better to do. We have the Spring Show at Lake Superior
                State University this weekend and you can try out the latest
                snowmobile for spring up there hehheh .

                ~~~~~

                Hi Buffalo
                Still enjoying your chips, keep'em coming.
                Just thought I would send this URL for B.J. Cassaday, he was asking about
                Grit newspaper, it's still around.
                http://www.grit.com/readers.html
                Doris

                ~~~~~

                re: Sorry ab, I should have mentioned that I am an Aussie working in Sweden.
                Maybe the next time I come over to Detroit, that's if you live around there,
                I could bring you a Magnum size Pommac.!! :) :)


                I'm sorry, too, since I live in Arizona, you'll have to let Mr. Brabant
                sample my Magnum. I'm sure I would know by the taste, though, even after 40
                years. Since I've never been to either Sweden or Finland, I've got to
                wonder... if it's not the same drink I remember, how in the world did I come
                up with that name. The drink I remember was definitely the acquired taste
                ... ...Rootbeer in America, just part of growing up (here) ... ask Dennis
                the Menace.

                -ab

                ~~~~~~

                My deceased ex-husband and his friends, when they were kids, always moved
                the outhouses back, every Halloween in a small town and this was 65 years
                ago. They also took the cotton bales from the cotton gin and put them in the
                middle of the main street.
                And we think the kids now a days are weird.
                Pat

                ~~~~~~

                Just wanted to say THANKS, Buffalo, for all your hard work puting
                together your column everyday to entertain and inform us. It's the
                BEST. This is a comment for Michael about his comment on Orange Crush.
                I worked at a bar and we served orange pop in a glass bottle called
                "BUDDY'S." Not sure who makes it, but it is good and tastes like the
                old fashioned kind. Mary from Wi.

                ~~~~~~~~

                Buffalo,

                Been a subscriber for a few years, and enjoy them very much. I also am an
                old Navy veteran (years before you). Joined the reserves in high school,
                went active for a minority cruise after graduating. Served on Northampton
                CLC-1, Salem CA-39, Intrepid CVA-11. Two of my old ships are now museums.
                The other was turned into razor blades, I think.

                Anyway, the orange crush thing got my attention. My home town of Mendon,
                Massachusetts used to have a bottling company called 'Miscoe Springs
                Bottling
                Company', and they bottled (what we called soda). One of their best
                sellers,
                and my favorite, was Miscoe Orange Crush. It was a fizzy orange drink with
                pulp in it, and it came in brown pebble finish glass bottles with a painted
                on label.

                They stopped making soft drinks, and the spring and bottling plant was sold
                to various companies and now they bottle spring water for supermarkets.
                (Not
                the designer kind)

                I sure used to love that drink when I was a kid. I never was a coke or
                pepsi
                guy, but Orange Crush and most root beers were my favorites.

                Well, I hope I didn't waste too much of your time. Take care of yourself,
                and your family.

                Buddy38


                ~~~~~

                Lee Marvin was a Marine..........

                Dialog From a Tonight Show ... Johnny Carson ... His guest was Lee Marvin.


                Johnny said, "Lee, I'll bet a lot of people are unaware that you were a
                Marine in the initial landing at Iwo Jima ... and that during the course of
                that action you earned the Navy Cross and were severely wounded."

                And you know how Lee was ...

                "Yeah, yeah ... I got shot square in the ass and they gave me the Cross for
                securing a hot spot about halfway up Suribachi ... bad thing about getting
                shot up on a mountain is guys gettin' shot hauling you down. But Johnny at
                Iwo I served under the bravest man I ever knew ... We both got the Cross the
                same day but what he did for his Cross made mine look cheap in comparison.
                The dumb bastard actually stood up on Red Beach and directed his troops to
                move forward and get the hell off the beach. That Sergeant and I have been
                life long friends.

                "When they brought me off Suribachi we passed the Sergeant and he lit a
                smoke and passed it to me lying on my belly on the litter ..."Where'd they
                get you Lee?"... "Well Bob ... if you make it home before me, tell Mom to
                sell the outhouse."....."Johnny, I'm not lying ... Sergeant Keeshan was the
                bravest man I ever Knew ... Bob Keeshan ...You and the world know him as
                Captain Kangaroo."

                ~~~~~


                I don't want to argue with you anymore Marty.You know nothing of what is
                going on. You even assumed me to be an Arab. Its a pity that you think only
                Arabs feel the way I do.

                You said "Their view of the world is so different. They can't imagine a
                country with multiple religions
                existing side by side"

                You really have no idea do you.In the place I live in(Dubai) 82%of the
                population are expatriates from around the world,and you would be surprised
                how many religions and cultures that would be.Maybe you should come and see
                for yourself Marty, and oh... please don't bring your gun if you have one
                ,you won't need it here.

                S.S.

                ~~~~~

                Have never written to you although read your adult list everyday and
                really enjoy most of the rantings but today Wed.4/4/02 just had to say
                to Erick Rzewnicki of South Carolina a few of the things he said has
                some element of truth but by and large seems to be a very mentally
                unstable person that maybe needs to be watched closely, seems these are
                the folks that go off the deep end and start shooting people or so doing
                some other crazy thing to force their sick opinions on the world at
                large.
                signed
                could become the soap box queen

                ~~~~~~~

                Buffalo,
                Why are you so compelled to tell half truths and contribute to the dumbing
                down of America? Go to the Gold Star Mothers web site and find the truth....
                Hamilton McWhorechaser... Someone in your position should know better...
                Ha Ha Ha...
                Take care,
                Jack


                ~~~~~~~~

                Clinton has been out of office for over a year.
                Why are people still so rabidly obsessed with smearing him and his wife?
                It has gone on ad nauseum, including the repetition of proven urban legends.
                It's time to get a life and move on. There are more important problems to
                deal with, such as the current and proposed destruction of our environment
                (to name only one).
                Obsess on something constructive if you must be obessive at all.

                Kat
                WA


                ~~~~~~

                It's interesting to see how threatened some guys are by a strong woman, such
                as Senator Clinton. Eleanor Roosevelt was smeared the same way when she
                showed her strength.

                Kat
                WA



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                Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

                *********************************************

                Remember 9/11/01
              • B.Brabant
                Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. I really liked the following story that I received
                Message 7 of 29 , Jul 14, 2002
                  Clean Clean



                  Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
                  name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

                  I really liked the following story that I received Sun. morning.
                  Although it is about Israel and Palestine and Jihad and today,
                  you can insert any country, any year, any religion and the story
                  will still come out the same. All people who have a religion and
                  believe in a higher power want peace and given the chance will
                  do the right thing. It is goverments and politics and a few
                  individuals that have bent the rules and teachings to their own
                  purpose that sometimes make this world a sad place to live.
                  Here's the story, enjoy

                  Dear Buff-

                  Here's something I saw- maybe you can include it in your scuttlebutt. Top
                  of the week to ya.

                  S. Davis


                  Choose Your Music
                  By Pnina Isseroff
                  Musician and Writer
                  Raanana, Israel

                  As the Israeli mother of two sons, now 19 and 22, I have attended a great
                  many ceremonies at school, camp, and now, the army. Yesterday my husband
                  and I drove down to the desert and sat in a grandstand as my son and 128
                  other young men and women stood on the parade ground in 41C degree (105F!)
                  heat to receive their non-commissioned officer stripes in the artillery
                  corps. And once again, as always happens at these events, we were struck by
                  one of the wonderful anomalies of our military's existence. The music.
                  Almost all the songs played while the soldiers march, are songs about peace.
                  About the end of war. About how glorious it will be when we can take off
                  our uniforms and live in peace. About flowers in the barrels of our guns.
                  About using destroyers to transport oranges. About the dove with the olive
                  branch. About peace.

                  This is why, when we hear international media reports of massacres, WE know
                  who to believe. We know how we have educated our children from pre-school.
                  We know what songs they have been singing. We know of the reservist guys
                  who took up a collection from their own pockets and gave a Palestinian
                  family 2000 shekels to repair the hole they had to break in the wall of
                  their house when looking for terrorists. We know the guys who rolled up the
                  carpets and washed the floor of the house they had to occupy, so they could
                  return it in good condition to its owners. We know the soldiers who
                  volunteered to give blood to help the Arab civilians that were wounded
                  during a battle. We know them because they are our sons and our husbands
                  and brothers, and because we know what songs they have been singing, all
                  their lives, even when being awarded military honors.



                  I am certain there are exceptions to this rule, that not every soldier is
                  noble and moral, that some abuse their power, that a few may even enjoy
                  brutality. But they are rejected by the mainstream. Boys in the army are
                  constantly lectured on The Purity of Arms, and how a soldier must be a moral
                  person. This is a long tradition, from before the rise of the State, and
                  has remained our tradition through all the wars forced upon us, and even
                  during this long dispute, which, if anyone does his homework, will realize
                  is the result of yet another war forced upon us which we refused to lose.
                  This is why the Israeli army is what it is. And this is why evidence
                  showing us babies being brought up on blood and bombs and suicide and Jihad
                  makes us only feel more strongly the morality of fighting for our little
                  corner of the world.

                  If you want to know the truth, listen to the music. It's loud and clear

                  ~~~

                  Enjoy the chips, enjoy your weekend.. buffalo


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                  Poetry Chips
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                  FROM BAD TO WORSE

                  Now my wife just left and the well went dry,
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                  Then my dog got rabies and bit the cat,
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                  Now I lost my specs and my pipe-stem broke,
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                  Then a tree fell on the chicken shed,
                  and most of the hens got smashed plumb dead.
                  Then a chimney fire took half of a wall,
                  and this old shack is about to fall.

                  Then I caught my heel on an old dead vine,
                  and sat smack dab on a porcupine.
                  Then a beaver dam broke and my bridge washed out,
                  and my watch stopped working and I've got the gout.

                  And the bank foreclosed so I've lost my place,
                  and my cow disappeared without a trace.
                  They cut off my credit at the grocery store,
                  and I lost my job and a whole lot more.

                  I must have been hexed by a triple curse,
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                  Carol

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                  Bird Chips
                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  A lady went to a pet shop.

                  "I'd like to buy two yellow canaries," she told the owner.

                  "We don't have any canaries, but we have these," the owner said, as he
                  showed the lady some pale green parakeets.

                  "That's not what I'm looking for," the lady stated.

                  But the pet store owner refused to give up. He said, "Just think of them as
                  yellow canaries that aren't quite ripe yet."

                  Brenda

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                  Warning Chips
                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  Product Warnings
                  ----------------

                  "Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a
                  bottle of shampoo for dogs.

                  "For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.

                  "Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.

                  "Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.

                  "Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.

                  "Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." -- On a hand-held massaging
                  device.

                  "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." -- On a toilet at a public
                  sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

                  "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a
                  pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.

                  "This product not intended for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric
                  rotary tool.

                  "Caution: Do not spray in eyes." -- On a container of underarm deodorant.

                  "Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that
                  keeps the sun off the dashboard.

                  "Caution: This is not a safety protective device." -- On a plastic toy
                  helmet used as a container for popcorn.

                  "Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace
                  lighter.

                  "Battery may explore or leak." -- On a battery. See a scanned image.

                  "Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.

                  "Not intended for highway use." -- On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow.

                  "This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom
                  heater.

                  "May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.

                  "Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set
                  called "Popcorn Rock."

                  "Caution! Contents hot!" -- On a Domino's Pizza box.

                  "Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" -- On a coffee cup.

                  "Warning: May contain small parts." -- On a frisbee.

                  "Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.

                  "Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.

                  "Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card
                  for a 1 year old.

                  "Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.

                  "Warning: Do not use on eyes." -- In the manual for a heated seat cushion.

                  "Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer.

                  "Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven.

                  "For use on animals only." -- On an electric cattle prod.

                  "For use by trained personnel only." -- On a can of air freshener.

                  "Keep out of reach of children and teenagers." -- On a can of air freshener.


                  "Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you." -- On a
                  motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.

                  "Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the
                  forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the
                  water or while mounting the craft." -- In the manual for a jetski.

                  "Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause
                  injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects),
                  which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.

                  "Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.

                  "Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator." -- On a bag of fresh
                  grapes in Australia.

                  "Warning: knives are sharp!" -- On the packaging of a sharpening stone.

                  "Not for weight control." -- On a pack of Breath Savers.

                  "Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On
                  the label of a bottled drink.

                  "Theft of this container is a crime." -- On a milk crate.

                  "Do not use intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant.

                  "Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of
                  rat poison.

                  "Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757.

                  "Cannot be made non-poisonous." -- On the back of a can of de-icing
                  windshield fluid.

                  "Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable
                  stroller.

                  "Excessive dust may be irritating to shin and eyes." -- On a tube of agarose
                  powder, used to make gels.

                  "Look before driving." -- On the dash board of a mail truck.

                  "Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.

                  "Do not drive car or operate machinery." -- On Boot's children's cough
                  medicine.

                  "For indoor or outdoor use only." -- On a string of Christmas lights.

                  "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized
                  Superman costume.

                  "This door is alarmed from 7:00pm - 7:00am." -- On a hospital's outside
                  access door.

                  "Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will
                  be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station.

                  "Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems." -- On a box of Midol
                  PMS relief tablets.

                  "Product will be hot after heating." -- On a supermarket dessert box.

                  "Do not turn upside down." -- On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.

                  "Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.

                  "Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." -- On the label for a cheap
                  rubber ball toy.

                  "Not for human consumption." -- On a package of dice.

                  "May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.

                  "Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty." --
                  A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the
                  presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and
                  destroy a regular frying pan.

                  "Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a
                  Swedish chainsaw.

                  "Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." --
                  From a manual for an SGI computer.

                  "Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.

                  "Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the
                  styrofoam packing.

                  "Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides
                  of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume
                  were handholds.

                  "Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of
                  sleeping pills.

                  "Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel
                  of a .22 calibre rifle.

                  "Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an
                  electric thermometer.

                  "Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain
                  saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.

                  "Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch
                  inflatable picture frame.

                  "Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.

                  "Please remove before driving." -- On the back of a cardboard windshield
                  (for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).

                  "Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.

                  "Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.

                  "For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.

                  "Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless
                  phone.

                  "Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the
                  packaging for a wristwatch.


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                  Groaner Chips
                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



                  A marine biologist at the University or New Brunswick was working on
                  a system that would allow humans to talk to fish, and fish to talk with
                  humans. One day, after many years of working in the lab, the system is
                  ready for field testing. The scientist takes his gear down to a local
                  salmon stream and sets it up. Lo and behold, the system worked! Our
                  hero began talking with the salmon in the stream and the salmon began
                  talking with the scientist. The scientist noticed one particular salmon
                  that looked a little different from the rest. This salmon was a deeper
                  reddish brown than the others, so he nick-named him Rusty.
                  The scientist then struck up quite a friendship with Rusty. Rusty
                  told the scientist what it was like to be a fish, and the scientist
                  told Rusty what it was like to be a human being.
                  One day, after two seasons by the stream, Rusty said, "It's time for
                  me to leave for the ocean."
                  The marine biologist responded, "NO Rusty! You can't! Do you know how
                  dangerous the trip will be? Do you know that the return rate for your
                  species is about 2%? Do you know that there are many dangers you will
                  have to face on the journey -- Fishermen, sharks and pollution to
                  name a few."
                  "Look" said Rusty, "A salmon's gotta do what a salmon's gotta do."
                  So off he went. Two years later, the scientist is still working by
                  the same stream, when he hears a familiar voice from the past. Rusty
                  had returned! The two of them quickly became reacquainted.
                  "You know, you were right about all the dangers" said Rusty.
                  "I lost track of the number of times that I was almost caught in some
                  fisherman's net. I lost track of the number of times that I was almost
                  eaten by sharks. But let me tell you," Rusty continued, "about the
                  amazing sights I witnessed."
                  "Tell me what you saw!" said the scientist excitedly.
                  "The ship wrecks were incredible!" The scientist explained to Rusty
                  about the large number of ships that were sunk in the North Atlantic.
                  "Well one ship I saw, the Titanic, was really fantastic! It was just
                  gorgeous! We swam all through it, up the grand staircases, down into
                  the dining salons! It was so moving that I decided to write some poetry
                  about it."
                  "It must be really beautiful stuff" said the scientist.
                  "I know it is. Maybe you could help me get it published?", said Rusty.
                  "Sure" said the scientist, "Do you have a title for your poems?"
                  "Yes -- Salmon Rusty's Titanic Verses!"

                  Carol
                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                  Pizza Chips
                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  FBI Agents Ordering Pizza

                  FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric
                  hospital in San Diego that was under investigat-
                  ion for medical insurance fraud. After hours of
                  reviewing thousands of medical records, the
                  dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.
                  The agent in charge of the investigation called
                  a nearby pizza parlour with delivery service to
                  order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

                  The following telephone conversation took place
                  and was recorded by the FBI because they were
                  taping all conversations at the hospital.

                  Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large
                  pizzas and 62 cans of Coke.

                  Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

                  Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

                  Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

                  Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

                  Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

                  Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody
                  here is.

                  Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

                  Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't
                  go through the front doors. We have them
                  locked. You will have to go around to
                  the back to the service entrance to
                  deliver the pizzas.

                  Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

                  Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them
                  here?

                  Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital
                  is an FBI agent?

                  Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and
                  we're starving.

                  Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

                  Agent: I have my chequebook right here.

                  Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

                  Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent.
                  Can you remember to bring the pizzas and
                  sodas to the service entrance in the rear?
                  We have the front doors locked.

                  Pizza Man: I don't think so.... <Click>.

                  rubin

                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                  Navy Chips
                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  While I'm not sure of the procedure now, when I was in the Navy,
                  every so often, you got umpteen shots, whether you needed them or
                  not. The carrier pilot in front of me as we passed thru the line
                  asked for a drink of water after receiving what seemed to be at
                  least a dozen different needles.

                  The Corpsman asked if he was dizzy.

                  "No, not at all." he replied. "I just wantta see if I'm still water-tight."

                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                  Car Chips
                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                  The fourth-grade class was studying the
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                  At the end of the unit, she gave a test
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                  affordable?"

                  One of the brightest students in the class
                  wrote: "0% financing."

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                  Parting Chips
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                  A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the mountains of Canada. The first
                  morning in the cabin, he awoke and stood by the window admiring the
                  scenery.
                  Suddenly, he noticed a huge animal walk by. "Och, whut's thaaat?" he
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                  His Canadian friend looked out and said, "Oh, that's a moose." "Och! If
                  thaaat's a moose, hoo big are your cats aroond here?"

                  Amy

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                  Bonus Chip
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                  President Bush was on Wall Street
                  today speaking out against accounting
                  fraud of big corporations.
                  This was good, but then I thought,
                  wait a minute, accounting fraud -
                  isn't that how he got elected?

                  Gene and Vera

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                  From The Buffalos Mail Box

                  Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
                  ( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors stood
                  around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )

                  During the past three days Calgary has had a major heat wave, over 100
                  outside, more inside because I don't have air-conditioning.

                  Before it started, the texture of my skin was that of a gently ripened
                  peach.

                  By the second day, my skin resembled a ripened prune.

                  This morning, I scared the cats, cause I now resemble a raisin.

                  and the next person that says 'hot 'nuff for ya' is gonna get knuckle
                  sandwich!

                  but it's dry heat.. yeah, right and the moisture is sucked right outta ya.

                  Dianne

                  ~~~~~~



                  I think putting the "Uncover The TRUTH About ANYONE!" ad right
                  after the" Parting Chips" about the diagnosis of various cartoon
                  characters was the funniest thing I have seen in a long time.

                  Donald

                  Buffalo says it did fit in there rather well

                  ~~~~

                  hello buffalo,
                  very much enjoy the chips! I must say send a message to r.s. Bowen on his
                  letter to the chips. thank you, thank you. the purists, they get on my last
                  nerve too. like everything they do is right and the rest of us, all need to
                  find they way.vegans, they refuse to eat anything living, before you pick
                  it, was that a dead radish? then you have the pot heads,
                  I don't smoke cigarettes, it's not good for you. but pot is natural. hmmmm,
                  they get tobacco how? isn't it grown too? I get so tired of the controversy
                  involving everyday life. I live my life and expect people to do the same, I
                  also respect their right to live theirs, as long as it does not bring direct
                  harm to my home. now we're probably going to get some interpretations on
                  that remark.but, loving the chips.
                  sincerely
                  d.smith

                  ~~~~~

                  This is WAY off any topic. I NEVER click on ads but thank you for having
                  one. I saw the word "Scrubs" and instantly clicked on it. My gr-daughter is
                  entering nursing this fall and we have been unable to find reasonable prices
                  lab coats. Thanks to your ad we now can buy all the nice clothes she needs
                  at a good price.
                  Listen up people......watch the ads,,,,,,you might just find a good deal :-)
                  ~Pogo

                  Buffalo says I just love scrubs because they are comfortable and
                  still fit when you gain weight . When brother and I shared an apartment in
                  San Diego, Balboa Naval Hospital where he worked as a corpsman
                  provided much of my leisure attire heh heh

                  ~~~~~~~~

                  QUOTE OF THE DAY
                  "There's plenty of us who are addicted, but all kinds of addictions get
                  cured. I'd have a tough time quitting baseball, but if I can quit smoking, I
                  can quit baseball."
                  DICK SCHWINGEL,a Red Sox fan, on the prospect of new labor strife in
                  baseball.
                  New York Times Online.

                  ~~~~~

                  "Shavanas,
                  Accusing me of naivete and then telling me that
                  religionists do not believe their Book. The Jews in
                  Germany did not believe that the Nazis could posibly
                  follow through on their persecution and genocide as
                  was written there, were for the most part the victims
                  of the Holocaust.
                  You do not need everyone belonging to the cult called
                  Islam to believe that for them all to put us in danger
                  from them..........Art"


                  I have no idea what you are talking about.You have got the wrong person.

                  Shanavas

                  ~~~~~

                  For anyone that will be visiting Michigan in August, there is a very good
                  Music Festival going on from August 9-17th. Plenty of food and drink and
                  lots
                  of music, fun for the whole family. Go to the links below for all
                  information. And check out the HUBCAPS site below. They will be there the
                  15th-17th for some of the best re-creation of 50's and 60's music ever,
                  complete with a floor show and dancing, a different show every night. If you
                  like Elvis, Buddy Holly, The Platters, The Beach Boys, Janis Joplin, Mick
                  Jagger, Roy Orbison, The Everly Brothers plus many more to many to mention
                  this is the group to see. <A
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                  Curt
                  Warren, Michigan


                  ~~~~~~

                  "Well, some people choose the way they want to die - some smokers- some
                  > others - but I prefer to die of happiness......
                  >
                  > nosasmum"

                  They say ignorance is bliss, so I guess you will die of happiness and
                  bliss!


                  jack

                  Jack - Every person on this world is ignorant to one thing or other - I am
                  ignorant to the joy and craving people experience from smoking - is that
                  wrong? I choose not to smoke through will power. Out of 12 children - 7
                  smoke and three are too young to smoke. The other two my older brother and
                  I - went to college- travelled - and did what we want with our lives. It was
                  a choice. I do not begrudge the right of choice. I do not pester my family
                  to give up smoking - nor anyone else, I do not cough at people who smoke - I
                  just move away and let them get on with it. Our building at work has smoking
                  rooms with extra ventilation for people not to 'smell' when they return to
                  work - better than having to stand outside in the rain having a cigarette -
                  and it was the non-smokers who requested these facilities when the world
                  went a bit crazy and banned smoking in workplaces for fear of lawsuits.

                  I do agree with MizBeeky about the perfume biz. I like some perfumes- others
                  make me gag- I have bad sinuses so I smell things more storngly and if
                  someone is bathed in a really gaggy perfume I can smell it when on go on the
                  floor they are in. Perfume is supposed to be you - to blend with your
                  natural scents and last - not gag a whole lot of people on the way past - it
                  is not supposed to be a perfume stink bomb.

                  nosasmum

                  ~~~~

                  Buffalo -

                  This is for Dr. Ductape -

                  You're right that the 10 Commandments were given to us as guidelines on
                  how to live and behave... and they were given to the Hebrews long, long
                  before the days of Christ. That would tell me that the message was
                  considered by God to be vital. If you break them down, you will see that
                  the basic underlying meaning of each Commandment IS Love... Love of
                  fellow man and / or of God. For instance, you wouldn't steal from, or
                  rob your fellow man, or covet what he has, or murder him, etc., if you
                  have love for him in your heart. Stripping away all the verbiage, I
                  believe that Love is the motivating factor for all the Commandments.

                  I never was trained to be a Bible scholar, but it seems to me that all
                  through the Bible - especially in the New Testament, which chronicles the
                  life of Christ - everywhere you look there is the command that we have
                  Love. 'Love God'...'Love your neighbor'... 'Faith, Hope, Love - and the
                  greatest of these is Love...' 'If I have not Love I am as sounding
                  brass...' and so on and on.

                  For me, it's still very simple. When you strip away all the words from
                  the commandments and the instructions and the recomendations, the
                  underlying core of the matter is that we treat one another lovingly. If
                  we always acted according to that basic tenet, none of the troubles in
                  our world would exist. Paradise ? Pie in the sky ? Sure. But wouldn't
                  it be nice if the world WOULD do as God has asked us to do.

                  Ganny

                  ~~~~~

                  Hi Buff, Had to write and tell you that quitting smoking is hard. I smoked
                  for 33 yrs. and wish I had never started. I have bronchitis and asthma and
                  when it gets hot it is hard to breathe. I tapered off and when I wanted a
                  cigerette then I chewed on a tooth pick. I told my wife I chewed on so many
                  tooth picks I got dutch elm disease. I have been off them for 27 yrs. now
                  and will never go back. Eat a lot of salads for the first yr. to keep from
                  putting on weight for it is a habit and you have to replace it with
                  something else. I was 12 when I started for I thought it made me grown up
                  but was stupid instead. Hope you can stay off them for 1 yr. then the
                  craving goes away. Keep the jokes coming. Cliff

                  ~~~~~

                  Buffalo:

                  Hi. I am a subscriber to "Buffalo Chips"
                  Since I read that you had quit smoking, I have read some of the
                  subscribers messages . I find it humorous that smokers are so sensitive
                  about their habit and a lot of them are so inconsiderate about second hand
                  smoke. Although many smoke outside now days, I don't think it's totally by
                  choice, but I for one do appreciate it. Thank you all!
                  I wish no children ever had to be subjected to second hand smoke, but
                  many parents don't give a second thought to smoking around their kids, it
                  has become second nature from the generations of smoking.
                  Having been a light to medium smoker in my younger days, I can still
                  remember the sickly feeling that occasionally accompanied a cigarette, which
                  told me it could'nt be good for me. My wife does'nt smoke when I'm around
                  but I can smell it on her and taste it when I kiss her, I would give her a
                  lot more kisses if not for the lingering smoke.
                  Everyone is going to die, but why not make the most of life while you
                  are alive, and you can't do that while being a smoker even if you think you
                  can. Don't fool yourself into thinking you can do anything as well while
                  smoking as you could do if you did'nt smoke.
                  I found that everytime I started smoking again, it was harder to quit
                  than the time before but that it was never really hard to quit once I
                  decided I'd had enough. The first and most important step to quiting is to
                  definately not want to smoke anymore.
                  I am not proud to say I have been a drinker, smoker and drug user but I
                  have found I get a lot more out of life being a straight, sober non smoker.
                  Good luck to anyone wanting to quit, although luck has nothing to do with
                  it.
                  One last thing, I think it is so silly that people can sue and win from
                  the tobacco companies when we have known all along, cigarettes are not a
                  healthy choice. No one forces anyone else to smoke, it's a personal
                  decision, if you're going to smoke and wind up getting sick from it, at
                  least have the guts to blame no one but yourself.

                  Ronnie



                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                  *********************************************

                  Remember 9/11/01


                  Our Lists
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                • B.Brabant
                  Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Terrible nightmares as I slept last night . In the
                  Message 8 of 29 , Jul 21, 2002
                    Clean Clean


                    Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
                    name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

                    Terrible nightmares as I slept last night . In the first dream I
                    came home in the middle of the day and found an open box
                    full of clam chowder mix with frozen soup and separate pieces
                    of clams that looked more like large fish steaks. Somehow in
                    the dream I thought I had ordered them for work by mistake
                    and they had sent them to my house and they had been opened.
                    I woke up rolled over and went in to the next dream which
                    involved about ten pounds of chop suey frozen in a box with
                    rice and a separate bag of oriental pea pods. In this dream the wife handed
                    me invoices for both orders of food at 35.00 a box. I
                    thought wow I didn't order this stuff but that isn't that bad a
                    price if you break it up into a dozen meals.
                    Again I woke up and went to bathroom and checked my email
                    and curled up on the couch again and went back into the same
                    dream again except that is when I found out that my computer
                    had been hacked and a virus installed that was ordering food.
                    Invoices were popping up on the screen faster than I could
                    delete them for a food delivery company. I searched all the
                    anti-virus places for a solution and then I realized that it must
                    have been attached to a program I had downloaded recently
                    like the devil voice recognition one and then I woke up again.
                    I hate nightmares with sequels especially when they are so
                    realistic. I think I have to stop eating taco casserole at 1 a.m.
                    hope you enjoy the chips and have a great Sunday...buffalo

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                    Colorado Chips
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                    YOU MIGHT BE FROM COLORADO IF:

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                    You have a business degree and are frying burgers at a Mcdonald's in Vail.

                    You own a big dog named Aspen, Buck, Cheyenne or Dakota that wears a
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                    Your real fear is running out of Celestial Seasonings tea and trail mix.

                    The entire top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

                    You think that formal wear is ironed denim.

                    North means "mountains to the left"; south is "mountains to the right"; and
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                    You consider a three-piece suit to be a pair of shorts, a sweatshirt and
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                    You have stood on solid ground and looked down on an airplane in flight.


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                    Gravity Chips
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    YOUR HELP IS NEEDED!!
                    I saw a report recently, about how gravity, which is a nonrenewable
                    resource, is gradually diminishing. Top scientists agree... "With the
                    present rate of consumption, the earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted
                    before the 24th century."

                    There is a direct link between the vanishing of the ozone layer and decrease
                    in the earth's gravity supply. We're already seeing the effects of the
                    disappearance of the ozone layer, but we're not likely to see the effects of
                    vanishing gravity during our lifetimes. However, our children will probably
                    have to deal with the issue.

                    It is interesting to think of some of the results science has yet to
                    consider. The obvious impact will be on engineering (like keeping bridges
                    and buildings weighted down), but what about sports? Breaking records for
                    the high jump will become easier. Football kicks will likely grow longer and
                    an 82-yard field goal will not be unheard of. Limbo
                    dancing will be more difficult and even Louis Anderson will be able to run
                    the hurdles.

                    Until scientists discover a cheaper alternative, we need to help...

                    PLEASE CONSERVE GRAVITY
                    Follow these simple suggestions:
                    (1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
                    (2) Use tape, magnets or glue instead of paperweights.
                    (3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like curling.
                    (4) Avoid showers .. take baths instead.
                    (5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big
                    pile.
                    (6) Stop flipping pancakes

                    Any other suggestions for ways to conserve this precious natural resource
                    will be appreciated. Please e-mail all of your gravity conservation tips and
                    ideas to... <gravity@...>

                    This is *not* a joke. What could be more serious? After all gravity is the
                    opposite of comedy! You may be laughing now, but just picture your great
                    grandchildren wearing safety tethers, unable to play outdoors for fear of
                    floating away in a wind storm. Please be gravity conscious.
                    (Author Unknown)

                    Sandy (AKA MsSam)


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                    Corporate Chips Big Al
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    My company had a successful year, and at the annual meeting, employees
                    eagerly
                    awaited the general manager's report on the performance of our branch.
                    "You are the role models of our company," he proudly announced. "I can tell
                    you that
                    whenever the owners talk about you and your office, they use nothing but
                    expletives."
                    A stunned silence followed.
                    Then the manager blushed, cleared his throat, and added, "I meant
                    superlatives."

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                    Navy Chips
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                    Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate of mine aboard the USS Reeves,
                    bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined and given extra duty for three
                    weeks. Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he
                    consoled himself every night during his extra duty by reciting, "They can
                    bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday."
                    As July 2 approached, his excitement increased. When he went to bed on July
                    21, he happily repeated, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they
                    can't take away my birthday."
                    The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the international
                    date line -- and it was July 23.

                    Big Al

                    Buffalo Says lost a birthday the same way and a whole days sleep several
                    times hehheh

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                    Subsidy Chips
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    God Bless America....
                    Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
                    Washington, DC
                    Dear Sir:
                    A friend of mine in Wells Iowa, received a check for
                    $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go
                    into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
                    What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the
                    best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of
                    hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor
                    in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to
                    raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I
                    will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
                    As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in
                    keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
                    My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of
                    the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and
                    the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year, when he
                    got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.
                    If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000
                    for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at
                    first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will
                    mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
                    Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not
                    eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay
                    farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments
                    for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going
                    to raise?
                    Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business,
                    so send me any information you have on that too.
                    In view of these circumstances, you understand that I
                    will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food
                    stamps.
                    Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
                    Patriotically Yours, Gary E. Wilson
                    PS: Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free
                    cheese

                    Robbin
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                    Irish Chips
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    Paddy O'Reilly was found lying dead in his back yard next to a bottle of
                    fine old Irish Whisky. The weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake
                    was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn't take a bad
                    turn. At last his friends laid him in the box, nailed it shut and started
                    down the hill into the churchyard.

                    As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately pissed,
                    one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard.
                    Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened
                    the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle
                    of God!

                    All rejoiced and went back and had quite a few more drinks. But later that
                    day, the poor lad died. Really died this time. Stone cold dead. They
                    bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill
                    the next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys, mind one of you
                    drunken idjits don't bump the gatepost again!"




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                    Marine Chips
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                    It was raining quite hard as U.S. Marine trainees assembled
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                    instructor had prepared a detailed drawing of the tactics
                    he wanted practiced. "Don't think we're going to call this
                    off just because of a little rain," he said. Then he turned
                    to the blackboard which had been washed clean.



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                    Parting Chips
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                    A Jewish businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was
                    failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody
                    it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went
                    to a Rabbi and poured out his story of tears and woe.

                    When he had finished, the Rabbi said, "Here's what I want you to do:
                    Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach.
                    Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the
                    beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will
                    rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page.
                    Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your
                    answer, that will tell you what to do."

                    A year later the businessman went back to the Rabbi and brought his wife and
                    children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a
                    mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed
                    with money out of his pocket, gave it to the Rabbi as a donation in thanks
                    for his advice.

                    The Rabbi recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I
                    suggested?" he asked.

                    "Absolutely," replied the businessman.

                    "You went to the beach?"

                    "Absolutely."

                    "You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

                    "Absolutely."

                    "You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

                    "Absolutely."

                    "And what were the first words you saw?"


                    "Chapter 11."


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                    After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest
                    military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main
                    Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me - all
                    under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us
                    entered the cramped customs area.

                    A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief,
                    "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage
                    belong to you?"

                    "Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."

                    The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you
                    have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your
                    possession?"

                    "Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items,
                    I would have used them by now."

                    The official allowed us to pass without opening a single
                    suitcase.


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                    From The Buffalos Mail Box

                    Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
                    ( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors stood
                    around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )


                    Buffalo says occasionally readers tell me about business ventures they are
                    involved withthat are worth telling others about. Scot has an alternative to
                    AOL and MSN you may be interested in.


                    This Internet access offers expanded coverage and network availability along
                    with your personal Excel homepage, complete with a wealth of news and
                    information that's important to you.

                    Features include:

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                    Thank you for your help,
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                    ~~~~~~


                    Mojo, I live in Cornwall Ont. and they have passed bylaws very similar to
                    yours. Right now at the place I work we have to smoke outside in designated
                    areas.
                    This is because of the city bylaws passed recently.
                    Free country, not!
                    As of June 1, 2003 smoking will not be allowed at all anywhere on the
                    workplace property. It will be the law here.
                    Combine the facts that smokes are now outrageously expensive, you can be
                    charged for smoking in the 'wrong' place and the cost of health care for
                    smokers, they are forcing us to quit. We all know that it is bad for us.
                    I guess all the future out of work tobacco workers can be gainfully employed
                    as smoke police much like the language police in Quebec.

                    Canadian Bigfoot

                    ~~~~~~~

                    Bill, I want to thank the woman whose signature
                    appeared with remember 9/11. I checked and yahoo had
                    dropped mine.

                    =====
                    Art
                    remember 9/11
                    Terror delendus est.

                    ~~~~~~


                    Buffalo: just a quick note to let you know that you are the only joke list
                    that I still subscribe to, you're the best.

                    On cutting, baling and hauling hay. I, too, used to do that when the only
                    way was the rectangular bales that weighed from 59-80 pounds each according
                    to the type of hay. I was just talking to my Dad down in Tennessee last
                    weekend as he was baling hay. Now, however, that involves hiring someone to
                    cut, crimp and wind-row it, then come back and bale it into those huge round
                    bales which are moved one at a time by the pointed end of a lift on the back
                    of the tractor. While the driver sits in air-conditioned comfort, of
                    course! In the old days, it meant starting early in the morning when it was
                    cooler, relatively speaking, working until about noon then taking a siesta
                    until later in the day when it cooled off again. Even then, however, under
                    the roof of a tin shed on a cloudless day would cause me to sweat off 8-10
                    pounds early in the season. Later on, I was in better shape and it would
                    only cost me 4-5 pounds! Miss the good ol' days, not by a long shot.

                    dave (now in an a/c'd office in Chicago area)

                    ~~~~~~~

                    To Jim.......in reference to P.O.
                    Thanks for your reply Jim, and no, you weren't too hard on me. I figured you
                    were a postal worker, and your defence for them is understandable......On
                    the other side of the counter we can only judge the P.O, by our bad
                    experiences which are numerous as you can see from todays letter....July,
                    20th from yet another Linda from Maine. If Buffalo devoted an entire column
                    on P.O. greivences ....Yikes, it would go on forever......and i'm sure just
                    as many IN favor.
                    Thanks again Jim.....
                    Linda G

                    ~~~~~

                    Bill, This note is a reminder to some of your old
                    subscribers and info for some new ones. May I also
                    thank you for your membership in the 9/11 reminder
                    club.
                    The 9/11 reminder club has no dues, no meetings and
                    our only agenda is to put the tag line, Remember 9/11,
                    at the end of your e-mail. If anyone has a problem
                    doing this their options button allows you to do this
                    on most programs.
                    To be sure that it is happening send yourself a copy
                    as i am doing with this letter to be sure that it is
                    still in place.


                    =====
                    Art
                    remember 9/11
                    Terror delendus est.

                    ~~~

                    I love ya Buffalo and your letter, it is always thought provoking. I have
                    never written before but I really felt the need to step in here for just a
                    minute. This is to The King of Ohio and the others that have mixed up and
                    messed up the truth.

                    A. Martin Luther Short was born in Ontario, Canada on March 26, 1950.

                    B. He never had an affair in a motel in the South.

                    C. Martin Luther Short is still alive and subsequently was not hung upside
                    down on a cross to die although there were those that thought his
                    preformance in The Three Amigos may have dictated such an action.

                    I hope that I have brought some clarity and shed some light on this matter.

                    Yogi Steinberg


                    ~~~~~

                    Hi Buffalo,
                    After reading your memories of haying, I just had to share this with you.
                    As a youngster, I used to spend summers with my grandparents in West
                    Virginia
                    and for spending money would work on neighboring farms at various chores.
                    One
                    of the more memorable experiences was haying. They gave me the job of
                    hauling
                    the small shocks to the site where they would build the haystack. The
                    grown-ups cut the hay with scythes and piled up the shocks, then I would
                    slide a barked pole under the shock and throw a chain, which was attached to
                    the middle of the pole over the top of the shock and hook a ring over the
                    tip
                    of the pole, then jump on the horse and haul the hay to a designated site,
                    where I would unhook the pole and go back for another load. When the pile
                    was
                    deemed large enough I would haul the hay to another site and so on until
                    they
                    were finished cutting, then they would go to each site and pitch the hay up
                    into stacks. I never understood why, but they would stand a long pole up and
                    pitch the hay around it. The balers put an end to this process and now even
                    the bales are almost obsolete as most of the hay now is rolled.
                    Sometimes I think about those summers and can smell the hay, smell and feel
                    the horse under me and hear the various bugs humming about.
                    One summer a Cousin and myself contracted to dig postholes along the side of
                    one of the mountains at 10 cents a hole. As you might expect, they measured
                    from the low side of the hole, so they had to be an honest depth. We would
                    labor all week, take a bar of soap down to the creek, take a bath, then go
                    into town and blow the whole wad on Friday night.
                    We hunted groundhogs, waded the creeks at night with carbide lamps, gigging
                    frogs and suckers and went swimming bare assed in the deepest hole in the
                    creek.
                    I know we can never go back, but sometimes I think I would give everything I
                    own to relive those summers.

                    J. Moore

                    ~~~~~

                    Hey Buf,

                    You touched my memories just right with the Hay story. When I was a kid in
                    the early fifties my dad was a railroader (section foreman) and we didn't
                    have much money. I used to buck bales for fifty cents an hour to buy school
                    clothes. One family I worked for fed us lunch and supper. I'll never
                    forget the first lunch I ate there. "Mama" Martin served us chicken. One
                    whole baked chicken on each plate. And all the potatoes and gravy we could
                    eat. We would buck bales 'til it was too dark or we were too tired. As we
                    would finish unloading a wagon load into the barn, she would come out of the
                    house with a bucket of beer for each of us. If one of us "passed gas" Hank
                    would say "If you got enough energy to fart, you got enough energy to get
                    anothe load." The alfalfa bales ran 100 to 110 lbs each. I sure couldn't
                    do that job today. I guess I was smart to join the Navy as soon as I got
                    out of high school.

                    Dave Pruett
                    CPO USN (ret)

                    ~~~~~~

                    Hi Buffalo:
                    After reading the many view points about having God in the Pledge of
                    Allegiance, I thought the reason the pilgrims came over to this country was
                    to get away from government controlling religion. Now it seems we have done
                    a 360 degree turn around and religion is trying to control our government !
                    Dave B.

                    ~~~~
                    Buffalo -

                    I imagine you're going to get plenty of response from Dave B's note...
                    and rightly so. Dave, you - and even the Supreme Court - have it all
                    wrong. Firstly, it's true that this country was founded by people who
                    were fleeing from State-run Religions. They were prevented from
                    worshipping as they desired, because it was against the laws in their
                    land, usually laid down by the King. THEY WERE ESCAPING FROM OUT-AND-OUT
                    LEGAL RELIGIOUS PERSECUTION.

                    The Separation of Church and State laws which were placed in the
                    Constitution by our Founding Fathers were aimed at preventing the
                    leadership in this country from forming a similar State-run Religion, and
                    thus perpetuating those persecutions. On the other hand, these laws were
                    never intended to prevent us, or our leaders, from worshipping God, or
                    from mentioning God in our daily activities, or even from stating our
                    belief in him by saying an occasional public prayer. Nowhere in our
                    government does anyone say that you must follow the lead of people who do
                    pray, nor has any government official stated that you must worship as the
                    Government does. The Government is NOT running a religion, and
                    conversely, NO ONE connected with any organized religion is trying to
                    control the government, or your right to worship - or not - as you see
                    fit.

                    This country was formed by God-worshipping individuals, and if they were
                    here today they would be horrified by the way that their intentions have
                    been skewed. It's a shame that the Government is beginning to prevent
                    the majority in this country from mentioning God in their public
                    pronouncements, because that's not the way it was meant to be.

                    The majority in this country are in danger of suffering religious
                    persecution all over again. This effort to prevent offending a very
                    small majority who want all mention of religion to disappear is not what
                    the Founding Fathers intended. This country was created so that people
                    could worship freely, without prohibition. The whole thing has done a
                    180 about face, and the country, as they formed it, is in trouble if this
                    escalating denial of their original design continues.

                    Ganny

                    ~~~~~

                    I have to comment on the smoking issue...

                    I am 40 years old and have been a smoker since I was 10. It's more than a
                    habit with me I actually enjoy it. Even so, second hand smoke annoys me...I
                    am totally in agreement with non-smokers there isn't much worse than having
                    cigarette smoke being blown in your face. I can't stand for someone to
                    light a cigarette when I am eating, especially and I am always conscientious
                    about non-smokers. However, I am offended by the federal/city governments
                    placing bans on us smokers and treating us like non-citizens. I have to
                    stand at least 20 feet away from any public building to smoke? Where do we
                    go?

                    If you build a McDonalds on the corner of Peachtree and W. Peachtree that
                    abides by the no smoking code shouldn't you have to build a McDonalds next
                    door for us smokers? Can I call the ACLU? Hell no. I am a People too!!!

                    It is a HORRIBLE thing that tobacco companies have had to pay millions in
                    lawsuits to plaintiffs who have sued for monetary damages because they
                    smoked their cigarettes. Talk about frivolous lawsuits. It is my choice to
                    smoke...noone makes me do it.

                    I appreciate Rose's comments on this issue. If you're so many pounds
                    overweight you have to pay for an extra seat on an airline. If you smoke
                    you have to pay $4.50 a pack (here in Alaska) and you can't smoke in a bar
                    where people go to drink alcohol and listen to those sleazy no good rock and
                    roll bands that I love dearly and gamble at pool and darts (makes me happy).

                    OK so what next? Make a leper colony for smokers...one for overweight
                    people...one for overweight smokers...one for alcohol consumers...one for
                    alcohol consumers who smoke...one for overweight alcohol consumers who
                    smoke, etc....where do you draw the line?

                    If gubment wants to tell me how/where to live my life as a smoker I say give
                    us all an island...I choose Maui, I being an OASis (Overweight, Alcohol
                    drinking Smoker).

                    Next time someone farts within 20 feet of me in public well...I'm gonna sue.

                    -Vicki

                    ~~~~~

                    Buffalo..
                    I second Linda...Geico offered a good price for my car insurance...Man..you
                    guys are soo obessed with histories!!!(no offence) Eg: Credit history,
                    Rental history, driving history, medical history and what not... since i was
                    staying for only an year with no histories and i never even had a credit
                    card before then, it was a tough ride... one more Huge differece between the
                    vehicle insurance in your country and mine is, in India,you insure the
                    Vehicle ..drivers do not influence the premimum wherase there, the person
                    who drives has a big influence... and since they have a HUGE mechanism to
                    come up with the premium, every time you call, u get a diff quote..( same
                    company) me and my roommate landed on the same day with no histories ,got DL
                    2 days apart and everything remaining same, still managed to get a quote
                    diff of 200$ !!! Beat that.. we used to wait for the operator who would
                    give a low quote, grab it and then make sure others call her and ask her to
                    give the quote...Worked everytime!!!..
                    anyways, keep up the excellent work.
                    Sreyas

                    Buffalo says not to be confused wit Gecko insurance which only covers
                    reptiles.




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                  • B.Brabant
                    Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. I was happy to hear early this morning of the
                    Message 9 of 29 , Jul 28, 2002
                      Clean Clean



                      Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
                      name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

                      I was happy to hear early this morning of the rescue of the miners
                      in Pennsylvania and cannot even begin to comprehend the terror that must
                      have been felt while trapped underground for three days. I know
                      that it is a way of life for them, their job, but I think I would find it
                      impossible to go back into the ground after that.
                      I was also saddened to hear of the deaths yesterday at the Soviet Air
                      Show and again this morning with an air crash there. Air shows
                      are not the safest event in the world and when you push man and machine to
                      their limits, Murphy's Law is always close at hand.
                      These pilots and their planes are the best of the best and this
                      exemplifies the hazards that military aviators face every day because
                      the maneuvers that are performed during an air show are learned by
                      every combat pilot. There are dozens of crashes involving every type
                      of aircraft flown each year , some caused by pilot error and some
                      by machine failure but few are noticed . It is sad that it takes a
                      tragedy involving hundreds of people to press home the point.
                      On a lighter note, I got even on a few practical jokes from a
                      coworker yesterday. Seems the man likes to supplement his
                      income by collecting Coke cans at .10 each for the deposit. In this
                      hot weather it is easy to collect five dollars worth a day. I was
                      donating my cans to the cause but scraping a bar of the UPC
                      code so when he took them to the automatic machines they
                      were all rejected and he had to sort them and cash them in
                      separately. Small amount of aggravation but creative hehheh .
                      Enjoy the chips and have a great Sunday..buffalo


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                      Texas Chips
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                      A Texan died and ascended into Heaven.

                      St. Peter met him and welcomed him saying "You will certainly enjoy
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                      The Texan shook his head sadly and said "I always thought that TEXAS was
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                      St. Peter said "Well, let me show you what we have to offer." He took the
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                      "Isn't this beautiful?" said St. Peter.

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                      Becoming more upset, St. Peter then took the Texan to a beautiful white
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                      this beautiful in Texas"
                      said St. Peter.

                      The Texan smiled and said "I guess you've never been to SOUTH PADRE ISLAND".

                      At this point, St. Peter took the Texan to a large rock. On the side of
                      the rock was a huge iron door. St. Peter opened the door and they stepped
                      into an elevator and started going down.

                      As they descended, it grew more and more hot. When the elevator door
                      opened, it revealed the fires of damnation-Hell. St. Peter said, "Now,
                      have you got anything in Texas that can top that?"

                      The Texan thought a moment and shook his head. "No, but I know a couple of
                      old boys from HOUSTON that can put that thing out for you."

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                      Argument Chips
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                      After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking
                      to each other for days. Finally, on the third day, he asked where
                      one of his shirts was.

                      "Oh," I said, "now you're speaking to me."

                      He looked confused, "What are you talking about?"

                      Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.

                      No," he said, "I just, thought we were getting along."

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                      you're in cajun country when...

                      ..Your glasses fog up when you step outside.

                      ..You were in high school before you realized that Catholic and Public were
                      not the two major religions.

                      ..You will eat foods that are purple, green & gold.

                      ..Your baby's first words are "boudin"

                      ..You're at Mardi Gras when it starts to rain and you cover your drink
                      rather
                      than your head.

                      ..You take Community Coffee & Tabasco with you on vacation.

                      ..You are not alarmed at finding plastic dolls in your pastry.

                      ..You eat cracklins for breakfast.

                      ..All the people in public office are known as "Dud, Moon, Cat, Duffy, or
                      Dutch."


                      ..You keep newspapers not for recycling but for tablecloths at crawfish
                      boils.


                      ..You know that the best doughnuts are square and have no holes.

                      ..You exhibit "doubloon reflex" by stomping on a runaway quarter with your
                      foot.

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                      Kentucky Chips
                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      On the border of Kentucky and Tennessee there's a small forest. Half of
                      the forest belongs to a Kentucky farmer, while the other half belongs to
                      a Tennessee man.

                      One day, while out for a walk in the woods, the Tennessee man comes
                      across a wolf caught in a trap. He rushes back to his house and calls
                      his Kentucky neighbor.

                      "There's one of your wolves caught in a trap on my side of the forest."

                      "How do you know it's one of *our* wolves?" the Kentucky farmer asked.

                      "Well," the Tennessee man replied, "he's already chewed off three of his
                      legs and he's still trapped."

                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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                      LynnLynn's Links
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                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                      Service Chips
                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      Thought you might get a kick out this one.


                      A salty Navy Chief and a crusty Marine First Sergeant are at a bar
                      arguing about who had the tougher career. "I did 30 years in the
                      Recon," the Marine declared proudly, "and fought in three of my
                      country's wars." "Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa,
                      clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an
                      entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade." "As a sergeant, I
                      fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy
                      inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a
                      barrage of artillery and small arms fire." "Finally, as a staff
                      sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped
                      through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and
                      mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire at night.
                      In a firefight, we'd shoot until our arms ached and our rifles were
                      empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"

                      Looking straight ahead, the Chief says nothing. Then after a
                      deliberately long, slow drink, the Chief says, "Yeah, it figures... all
                      shore duty."

                      Amy and Big John

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                      Parrot Chips
                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      A lady who was very lonesome bought a parrot from a pet
                      store, complete with cage. Before purchasing it she got a
                      guarantee that the parrot would talk.

                      She took the parrot home. In a week and a half she
                      returned to the store very disappointed.

                      "The parrot doesn't talk."

                      "Did you buy a mirror?"

                      "No."

                      "Every parrot needs a mirror."

                      So she bought a mirror and installed it in the parrot's
                      cage. Another week and a half went by and she returned.

                      "The parrot still doesn't talk."

                      "Did you buy a ladder?"

                      "No."

                      "Every parrot needs a ladder."
                      So she bought a ladder and installed it in the cage.
                      Another week and a half passed and she returned.

                      "The parrot still doesn't talk."

                      "Did you buy a swing?"

                      "No."

                      "Every parrot needs a swing."
                      So she bought a swing and installed it in the cage. A week
                      and a half later she returned. She was furious! The store
                      owner asked, "Did the parrot talk?"

                      "No!, he died."

                      "Oh, that's terrible. Did he say anything before he died?"

                      "Yes."

                      "What?"

                      "He gasped 'Don't they have any food down at that store?'"


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                      Candy Chips
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                      As I left the grocery store, I noticed two little kids, maybe six or
                      seven years old, selling candy bars in front of the store to raise money
                      for their school band.

                      "I'll buy a chocolate bar on one condition," I said to the boys. "You
                      eat it for me."

                      I bought one and handed the candy back to one of the boys.

                      He shook his head. "I can't," he said.

                      "Why not?"

                      Looking me in the eye, he responded gravely, "I'm not supposed to take
                      candy from strangers."

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                      Parting Chips
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                      There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was
                      covered with bandages from head to toe. I said to him, "What
                      do you do for a living?"

                      He said, "I'm a former window washer."

                      I asked, "When did you give it up?"

                      He replied, "Halfway down."


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                      Bonus Chip
                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      Over dinner, Jill said to John, "I had an awful experience this morning. I
                      met this disgusting fellow - a horrible, rude man. Right away I knew he was
                      a troublemaker. He began by insulting me; he used really obscene language
                      and he even threatened me!"

                      "Good God! How did you meet this fellow?" John asked, very concerned.

                      Jill said, "Well, we met by accident, I ran over him in the supermarket
                      carpark."

                      Greg

                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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                      From The Buffalos Mail Box

                      Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
                      ( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors stood
                      around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )

                      In response to the following 'letter':

                      "Buffalo,

                      We have always enjoyed you presentation.
                      And in reading your readers responses, I
                      was wondering if anyone out there, you or
                      readers, know how to get 'Block Sender' on
                      Outlook to work? I keep gettin this 'Junk' &
                      Clicking on 'Block Sender' just erases it.
                      Two days later the same stuff.
                      Appreciate any help.

                      John"

                      I've taken a slightly different (& simpler) approach. I've set up my filter
                      rules to separate ALL my mail such that unless the sender is known to me ( &
                      my mail program) then it is sent to a junk folder for disposal.

                      \\\|///
                      / \
                      ( 0...0 )
                      -----------oOOo-(_)-oOOo--------------

                      Joe Gardner

                      ---------------------Oooo-------------
                      oooO ( )
                      ( ) ) /
                      \ ( (_/
                      \_)

                      ~~~~~



                      Dear Buffalo

                      I found Talk America on your ezine right when I needed it. I had been using
                      big red wire for over two (2) years. They informed me they were going to
                      charge my credit card $42.00 on July 9, 2002 for an annual fee. I
                      immed-iatelly cancelled my account with them and subscribed to Talk America.
                      I was without long-distance service for about a week, but I didn't mind. It
                      prevented my wife from hour-long calls to my step-son in Denver. Of course
                      now they are back at it, but at a cheaper price. Thank you, Bill.

                      Jim Mc Quain


                      Buffalo says Ah a chance to plug a great phone alternative.

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                      ~~~~

                      Dear Buffalo,

                      As I was impressed with this story, I thought you might enjoy it as well and
                      consider putting it on your page. Take care- Benson

                      A Doctor's story: Awaiting the Wounded

                      By Dr. Avraham Rivkind. Dr. Avraham Rivkind is head of the department of
                      general surgery and the trauma unit at Hadassah University Hospital in
                      Jerusalem

                      July 14, 2002

                      When a human bomb goes off in Jerusalem, I know within seconds. I wear two
                      beepers and a cell phone, even to bed. Nearly always, driving my own car, I
                      can beat the first ambulances to the hospital, even if I'm asleep when the
                      first call comes.
                      The sirens blare as ambulance after ambulance pulls up in front of the main
                      square of Hadassah University Hospital. I wait outside, with dread in my
                      heart. As the doors swing open, my greatest fear is that one of my own four
                      children or my next-door neighbor's will be lying there among the terror
                      victims, so many of whom are only kids.

                      Our enemies choose their targets to maim our youngsters. They strike at
                      pizza parlors, school buses, frozen-yogurt kiosks. The medics make their own
                      quick decisions in the field: The worst patients are brought to Hadassah
                      Hospital, the only Level I trauma center from the Jordan Valley to
                      Beersheba. I'm in charge of that unit.

                      My first job is triage, instantly evaluating which treatment each patient is
                      to receive: being hurried onto the trauma table with a dozen top medical
                      experts surrounding him, wheeled away to surgery or brought to the regular
                      emergency room for care.

                      I listen to the reports of medics, I look at the patients, and I touch them.

                      My medical training in Israel and the United States, years of experience,
                      intuition and sometimes help from the Almighty--something we're not
                      embarrassed to talk about in Jerusalem--help me make these life-and-death
                      decisions.

                      The medical challenges are daunting.

                      Victims with blast injuries can seem perfect on the outside but may be
                      burning up inside. Several weeks ago, I kneeled over a beautiful young woman
                      named Shiri Nagari in the hospital parking lot. I asked her how she was
                      feeling, and she answered that she was OK. But I felt that something was
                      wrong. She was slowing down. I ordered immediate intubation to create an
                      airway. Some of my colleagues thought we needed to spend time on the
                      patients with
                      more visible wounds. But her chest X-ray confirmed my hunch: a white
                      butterfly on the black background.

                      Shiri's lungs had exploded.

                      The same loud wave of air that smashes your eardrums can compress the air in
                      your lungs and send it to destroy the organs in your abdominal cavity.
                      Three concussive waves do lethal damage when a bomb explodes in an enclosed
                      area. We rushed Shiri to our trauma operating room, always left empty for
                      emergencies, and opened her up: blood in her chest and abdomen, a liver torn
                      apart. No matter how much blood we pumped in, she couldn't survive.

                      I'm 52, and like most Israelis I serve in the army too. I have seen my share
                      of tank injuries, unrelenting cancers and traffic accidents.

                      Shiri's death was the first time I ever cried at losing a patient.

                      I dread telling the patient's parents, but that is also part of my job.
                      Even less dire pronouncements are tough. Recently, after a
                      terrorist attack in the open-air market in Jerusalem, I had to inform a
                      victim's wife that we had amputated his leg. His wife flew into a rage.
                      That's an anger I'm familiar with. I'm always coping with my own anger that
                      we can't pull off a miracle for each patient.

                      Concussive injuries are only part of the damage caused by urban bombings.

                      We have been treating damage to the brain, lungs, bones and heart caused by
                      nails, bolts and ball bearings packed into the high-velocity
                      bombs.

                      Adi Hudja, only 14, had more than 40 metal objects in her legs from the
                      suicide bombings on Ben Yehuda Street last December.

                      She was bleeding uncontrollably from her wounds. On the spot, we came up
                      with the idea of trying a coagulant for hemophiliacs still not approved by
                      the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, certainly not approved for trauma.
                      It costs $10,000 for a small bottle, but it worked.

                      Six months later, she's coming for therapy three times a week in Hadassah's
                      Mt. Scopus Rehab Center, and she's learning to walk. Next
                      year, maybe she'll be able to go back to school too. She's the same age as
                      one of my daughters.

                      Clock is ticking

                      No matter the sophistication of medical care, speed counts. Most of the
                      thousands of procedures we surgeons in my department do each year are
                      elective, but trauma is different. Our chief trauma nurse, Etti
                      Ben Yaakov, always talks about the "golden hour" we have to save our
                      patients' lives.

                      She's right.

                      The clock is ticking from the obscene sound of the blast. In the trauma
                      center, I am assisted by a remarkable team of doctors, nurses and
                      technicians. Suicide-blast victims almost all need multidisciplinary care.

                      We need to figure out who's going first: the neurosurgeon, the vascular
                      surgeon, the general surgeon, the orthopedic surgeon, the facial surgeon?
                      Even in the middle of the night, doctors and nurses and technicians and
                      cleaning staff arrive at the hospital without even being called.

                      Who will do the anesthesia? Hands fly up: Our entire operating room staff is
                      ready for an unscheduled shift.

                      Every decision I make is informed by my core belief that every patient wants
                      to live. Sometimes this credo forces me to try so-called heroic surgery when
                      everything seems lost.

                      In October 2000, Shimon Ohana, an 18-year-old border police officer, was
                      declared dead in the field. But I asked the ambulance driver to
                      bring him to the hospital. Some decisions are hard to make in the field. I
                      uncovered him, we opened his chest cavity and began to work.
                      He came back to life but remained in a coma for 17 days.

                      At last, he woke up.

                      Today, he is a fully functioning young man who trains dogs and loves
                      computers. He lives in Beersheba, but he often comes to Hadassah Hospital
                      for follow-up care or to encourage our other patients. I can't resist
                      hugging him: He's my continued reminder that we can't give up hope.

                      Everyone treated equally

                      The lines of ambulances, inevitably, bring a fair percentage of Arab
                      patients.

                      We can't tell whether they are perpetrators or victims. Even if we could, it
                      wouldn't matter: Everyone who enters the Hadassah Hospital
                      courtyard is treated equally.

                      And yes, I have operated on terrorists.

                      Once, I was awakened at 2 a.m. on the Sabbath to do emergency surgery on a
                      terrorist who had been injured while he was being apprehended. I
                      had seen the grisly results of his bus bombings.

                      More than any other question, friends and visitors and even patients want to
                      know how I feel using my medical training to save the lives of these mass
                      murderers.

                      Because I'm a doctor, a believing Jew, a human being, I would never allow a
                      patient to die whom I could save. But this saving of life is
                      more than my medical requirements: It's a mission.

                      By fixing the holes in their chests and bellies, I'm making a statement that
                      I'm not like those forces of darkness that want to
                      engulf this country in blood.

                      Do they understand? I haven't the slightest doubt that they do. They thank
                      me. They look at me differently. I and my people are no longer the demons of
                      their ugly propaganda. And they suddenly comprehend what
                      the American women of Hadassah who established our hospital and most of the
                      hospitals and clinics in this land with no regard for race or
                      creed understood 90 years ago.

                      The Hadassah motto is taken from the prophet Jeremiah who cried for the
                      "healing of my people."

                      The healing of all peoples is the only way to rescue the future of this
                      region.

                      Copyright (c) 2002, Chicago Tribune

                      ~~~~~

                      Buffalo,
                      In response to BJ Cassady about there favorite cars. In 1976, my
                      junior year of high school, I had a 1972 Pontiac Grand Prix model SJ. It had
                      a 455 4-barrel carb.w/400 turbo hydromantic trans. It was baby blue, white
                      vinyl top, black carpet, and white seats.
                      She would catch a second anytime you wanted to. I was clocked one night by
                      the man at 135 mph. Back then they just give you a
                      ticket and holler at ya. I had alot of good times in the back seat of that
                      car. I finally had to get rid of her after 185000 hard miles.
                      Thanks for the memories.........T.Crawley Appling,Ga.


                      ~~~~~

                      Buffalo,

                      I thoroughly enjoy reading your chips everyday and the scuttlebutt.
                      Finally, I feel compelled to write a short note. I too believe that
                      Americans are forgetting what happened on 9/11 of last year. No longer are
                      the flags flying from houses and cars. I am still proudly flying the flag
                      from the front of my house and I am now flying the 3rd flag from the window
                      of my Blazer. We need to be reminded of what the terrorists have done to
                      our fellow Americans. How could anyone possibly forget the horrible deeds
                      that were committed against us last year? How could anyone get over the
                      anger and heartache? People like Peter Jennings I guess can, because it
                      seems to upset him when singers like Charlie Daniels (This Ain't No Rag,
                      It's a Flag) and Toby Keith (Courtesy of The Red, White and Blue) take the
                      time to write and sing the songs that speak of our anger towards the
                      terrorists. If I could, I would personally put a boot in his ass for not
                      allowing them to let their feelings be known. Thanks for letting me have my
                      say in a country where we have that right!

                      Jan

                      ~~~~~

                      Hey buff, Love your list!! It's the best out there. I especially enjoy
                      reading other readers comment's and view's. So I was wondering how many
                      of your reader's have heard of this new plan President Bush is
                      proposing? I understand the basic principle's behind it, but it also
                      sends a chill down my spine thinking of all the ways it could go wrong.
                      I know this is a long e-mail, but it's worth the read. You can also
                      check out the website, www.citizencorps.com I learned about this new
                      plan from The insider Report. Below what you will read was wrote by the
                      President of the foundation. Anyway's, can't wait to see what some of
                      the reaction's will be.
                      Amanda G.
                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                      www.rutherford.org

                      Weekly Commentary from John W. Whitehead

                      Is Operations TIPS Part of a Plan to Defend Our Homeland or Destroy It?

                      "There ought to be limits to freedom."-- George W. Bush, May 21, 1999

                      "I tell you, freedom and human rights in America are doomed. The U.S.
                      government will lead the American people in-and the West in
                      general-into an unbearable hell and a choking life."--Osama bin Laden,
                      Oct. 21, 2001

                      When George W. Bush made his astonishing remark about limiting freedom,
                      he was referring to his desire to shut down a parody website that had
                      been giving him grief. But with every new proposal put forth by the Bush
                      Administration since Sept. 11 to "protect" America from the specter of
                      another terrorist attack, this 43rd president of the United States seems
                      to be doing everything within his powers to fulfill Osama bin Laden's
                      dire prediction. And the latest assault on our privacy and freedoms, the
                      formation of civilian spy teams, may accomplish that very thing.
                      Part of a new volunteer Citizen Corps program proposed by President
                      Bush and administered by the U.S. Department of Justice, Operation TIPS
                      (Terrorism Information and Prevention System) attempts to involve
                      Americans in safeguarding homeland security. According to the government
                      website for the program, TIPS, to be launched in August 2002, will
                      provide "millions of American truckers, letter carriers, train
                      conductors, ship captains, utility employees," who "in the daily course
                      of their work, are in a unique position to serve as extra eyes and ears
                      for law enforcement" with "a formal way to report suspicious terrorist
                      activity." What this means for the average citizen is that whatever you
                      read, eat or do-in the privacy of your home or out in public-will
                      now be suspect in the eyes of your cable repairman, postal carrier,
                      meter man or others who, by way of the services they provide, will have
                      access to your home. So you'd better hide that Tom Clancy novel,
                      disassemble that transistor radio and be nice to the guy installing your
                      TV-because the eyes of Big Brother will soon be watching your every
                      move.
                      With the installation of this citizen surveillance program, the
                      Fourth Amendment, which has already taken quite a beating in the past
                      several months from the Supreme Court and a variety of anti-terrorism
                      initiatives, will take another hit. After all, what good are warrants
                      and bans against illegal searches and seizures by law enforcement
                      agencies if the government can just have your cleaning lady or telephone
                      repairman snoop around for incriminating information? And what will
                      happen if these people actually find something possibly incriminating?
                      According to the skeletal information provided on the Citizen Corps
                      site, a toll-free number will connect informants directly to a hotline,
                      which will route calls to the proper law enforcement agency when
                      appropriate. Those unfortunate enough to raise suspicion might find
                      themselves stuck forevermore in a computer database for individuals
                      engaging in possible terrorist activity. Once upon a time, America was a
                      place where a person was innocent until proven guilty. But under the
                      Bush plan for our country, every American citizen is a suspect until
                      certifiable proof can be found-through any means, fair or foul-that
                      they are, in fact, involved in terrorist activity. And perhaps that is
                      appropriate in a land common sense has gone the way of the Dodo bird. By
                      directing Americans to conduct illegal searches-searches the police
                      would not have the authority to conduct without a warrant-on their
                      fellow Americans, the U.S. government is essentially turning the average
                      citizen into an extension of the thought police. And suddenly, George
                      Orwell's futuristic vision of Nineteen Eighty-Four doesn't seem so
                      far-fetched, particularly if you substitute Orwell's "family" for Bush's
                      letter carrier, utility worker or cable guy:
                      The family could not actually be abolished and, indeed, people were
                      encouraged to be fond of their children in almost the old-fashioned way.
                      The children, on the other hand, were systematically turned against
                      their parents and taught to spy on them and report their deviation. The
                      family had become in effect an extension of the Thought Police. It was a
                      device by means of which everyone could be surrounded night and day by
                      informers who knew him immediately. It seems as if we've come full
                      circle, reverting back to the Cold War tactics and paranoia of the
                      1950s, when civil liberties was secondary to security. "So what's the
                      big deal?" one reporter asked me. "Wouldn't such a program-even if it
                      is a violation of our rights-be worth it if we could prevent even one
                      terrorist attack?" It is, as Benjamin Franklin said more than 200 years
                      ago: "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little
                      temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." If our law
                      enforcement agencies could be trusted to do their jobs effectively and
                      efficiently, there would be no need for a program that, once
                      implemented, can only be a bureaucratic and legal nightmare. Although we
                      need to be concerned about terrorist threats from outside our borders,
                      we must also be mindful that our own government could be posing a
                      similar threat. With every draconian piece of legislation crafted by
                      Bush's henchmen to limit the rights of the American people, President
                      Bush comes ever closer to carrying out bin Laden's agenda to destroy
                      America-not so much its landmarks and government but our concepts of
                      freedom and justice. And in the end, the laugh's on us, because bin
                      Laden doesn't have to lift a finger to ensure that America's freedoms
                      are doomed. President Bush is managing it perfectly from the Oval
                      Office, and the American people are falling for it hook, line and
                      sinker.

                      ~~~~

                      Judmar......
                      I started reading your story on ground zero and when i got to the part of
                      all the bodies, and pieces of bodies i was going to delete.....but something
                      made me continue to read...and i will tell you why....My husband was told
                      he had terminal cancer(carcinoma) and his recovery chanced are
                      nil.......Thank God i will have him and be able to tell him i love him and
                      be there for him....whereas, those poor families never had that
                      chance...Thank you for putting your personal feeling in print. May God
                      continue to bless you and yours ...and no.....i will never forget 9-11
                      Warm regards,
                      Linda G

                      ~~~~~~

                      This is, by far, your very best column. I am printing it out and keeping a
                      copy of the story at the World Trade Center for my daughter who is 7. We
                      will NEVER forget.
                      Thanks Buffalo
                      Stephanie

                      ~~~~

                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                      Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

                      *********************************************

                      Remember 9/11/01
                    • B.Brabant
                      Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Yesterday was Monday, right? First at 3 a.m. I
                      Message 10 of 29 , Aug 11, 2002
                        Clean Clean



                        Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
                        name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

                        Yesterday was Monday, right? First at 3 a.m. I decided to send the
                        Glist out without the header attached again. No biggie it will be in
                        the scuttlebutt for some of you. After two hours of sleep I dragged
                        myself to work hoping for a calm Saturday, it didn't happen. As I sat
                        contemplating leaving at noon I heard a loud squeal and then a cloud
                        of blue smoke coming out of a lathe. I got there about the same time
                        the foreman did and found out they had smoked a set of drive belts
                        for no apparent reason. Before letting them start it again we pulled
                        the motor cover off and all 11 belts were burnt off complicated by
                        about 300 lbs of cast iron chips packed in around the motor.
                        Replacing a set of belts is not a complicated job normally, about
                        the same as a fan belt in your car times 11, but the 300 pounds of
                        chips complicated things. I shoveled and scraped for a half hour
                        and then we pulled the 250 lb motor out by hand and got in there
                        with airguns. Speeds the job up , but I had chips in my hair, beard,
                        and t-shirt and shoes and since I wear bib overalls I even had a few
                        in the jogging shorts I had on underneath. Finally after two hours of
                        wrestling in 90 degree heat , we had the motor in place, new belts
                        on and tested and even the paperwork for the job done.
                        Enough excitement for one day, right? I got got home, dropped
                        my clothes outside and headed for the shower and then drove the
                        daughter up to work. My partner's truck was still there an hour after
                        he was supposed to be gone but I didn't stop to ask why hehheh.
                        After two hours of shopping I was finally able to take a three hour
                        nap and waking up at sunset I stumbled half asleep over to my
                        computer emptied my email deleted file or at least I thought I had.
                        I rebooted and noticing after I logged into my email account more
                        mail in the deleted box so I emptied it again and looked for my template
                        folder and it was gone, along with the inspirational list folder and
                        most of the scuttlebutt mail including about 500 jokes that had been
                        submitted by readers. Finally at midnight I was ready to start the lists and
                        I fell asleep at 0400 . I hate losing all that material but at least it
                        gives the scuttlebutt a fresh start . If you haven't seen something you
                        sent me please resend. Enjoy the chips ... the weary buffalo hehheh



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                        Love and Marriage Chips
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                        Love is holding hands in the street ...
                        Marriage is holding arguments in the street

                        Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant ...
                        Marriage is a Chinese take-out

                        Love is cuddling on a sofa ...
                        Marriage is deciding on a sofa

                        Love is talking about having children ...
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                        Love is losing your appetite ...
                        Marriage is losing your figure

                        Love is sweet nothing in the ear ...
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                        Love is a flickering flame ...
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                        Love is 1 drink and 2 straws ...
                        Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!"

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                        I.D. Chips
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                        For two years, a man has been writing to a woman in Norway but they have
                        never met. At long last, the man decides they ought to do something about it
                        and he suggests that she should fly over and he'll meet her at the airport.

                        "I think that's a wonderful idea," she replies, "but I think I ought to tell
                        you that I am completely bald, I suffer from a nervous disorder and don't
                        have any hair on any part of my body."

                        He writes back to tell her that ii is not a problem.

                        Another letter arrives soon after and in this she says, "I think you should
                        also know that I don't have any arms, I write by putting the pen between my
                        toes."

                        A LITTLE startled to receive this news, he still tells her to come, but by
                        return of post she writes that she meant to tell him she has only one large
                        eye in the middle of her forehead.

                        It's too late for him to back out, so he writes back to say he's looking
                        forward to seeing her and could she wear a white carnation in her buttonhole
                        so that he will recognize her.


                        Greg

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                        Quote Chips
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                        "Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our
                        jobto stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into
                        something you'd like to have dinner with."
                        Kathleen Mifsud

                        "The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that
                        perhaps they're too old to do it." Ann Bancroft

                        "Any husband who says, 'My wife and I are completely equal partners,' is
                        talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge."
                        Bill Cosby

                        "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
                        They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
                        Rita Rudner

                        "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut after."
                        Benjamin Franklin

                        "My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way."
                        Henny Youngman

                        "My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
                        Rodney Dangerfield

                        "A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."
                        Milton Berle

                        "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
                        George Burns

                        "When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
                        another country. It's a whole different way of thinking."
                        Elaine Boosler

                        "Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
                        Phyllis Diller

                        "My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping."
                        Rita Rudner

                        "The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."
                        Henny Youngman

                        "At a party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding
                        ringon the wrong finger?'
                        The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'
                        Anonymous

                        "Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
                        bald head and a big gut, and still think they are beautiful."
                        Anonymous

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                        Cheeky Chips
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                        A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
                        woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the
                        husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her
                        body
                        because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to
                        donate some of his own skin.

                        However, the only skin on his body that the doctor
                        felt was suitable would have to come from his
                        buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would
                        tell no one about where the skin came from, and
                        requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
                        After all, this was a very delicate matter.

                        After the surgery was completed, everyone was
                        astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more
                        beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends
                        and relatives just went on and on about her youthful
                        beauty!

                        One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was
                        overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

                        She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for
                        everything you did for me. There is no way I could
                        ever repay you."

                        "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need
                        every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

                        Marie


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                        FBI Chips
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                        Decoding the Bureau

                        FROM: Director, C.I.A.

                        TO: All C.I.A. Employees


                        In the weeks and months ahead, some of you may find yourselves
                        talking to F.B.I. employees for the first time. To prevent
                        possible errors in communication, here is a guide to common
                        F.B.I. phrases, complete with their English-language
                        translations:


                        F.B.I.: We have noticed "increased chatter" in recent weeks.

                        Translation: We've been intercepting conversations that could
                        be useful if someone here knew Arabic.


                        F.B.I.: We are making technological improvements at
                        headquarters.

                        Translation: We now have call-waiting.


                        F.B.I.: We are committed to making real changes in the way we
                        conduct our business.

                        Translation: Ever since Coleen Rowley started singing to
                        Congress,
                        we've actually had to read the junk we used to leave in our
                        inboxes.


                        F.B.I.: Here is a list of suspects for you to track.

                        Translation: This ought to keep you busy while we look for the
                        suspects on the real list, which is safe in our files.


                        F.B.I.: I am still studying the document you shared with me.

                        Translation: I've been trying to open your e-mail attachment for
                        two
                        days. Are you guys on PC's or Macs?


                        F.B.I.: We both have the same goal.

                        Translation: If we put our heads together, I'll bet we can shift
                        the blame to the Bureau of Labor Statistics and the National
                        Park Service.


                        F.B.I.: Please get back to me at your earliest convenience.

                        Translation: There is an excellent chance that you or I will be
                        forced
                        to resign by the end of the day.


                        F.B.I.: Please share this document on a need-to-know basis only.

                        Translation: If you leak this one to Time, we'll leak the next
                        one to
                        Newsweek.

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                        Home Chips
                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                        You live in California when ...

                        1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
                        2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell
                        phone.
                        3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
                        4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
                        5. You drive to your neighborhood block party.
                        6. Someone asks you how far away something is, you tell them how
                        long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

                        You live in New York when.

                        1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
                        2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State
                        Building.
                        3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from
                        Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
                        4. You think Central Park is "nature."
                        5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own
                        language makes you multilingual.
                        6. You've worn out a car horn.
                        7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

                        You live in Alaska (or Yellowknife) when <Gary>. . .

                        1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
                        2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
                        3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
                        4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
                        5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
                        construction.

                        You live in the Deep South when . . .

                        1. You get a movie and bait in the same store.
                        2. "Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
                        3. After fifteen years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here,
                        are ya?"
                        4. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
                        5. Everyone has 2 first names.

                        You live in Colorado when . . .

                        1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
                        2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home,
                        and he stops at the Day Care Center.
                        3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
                        4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

                        You live in the Midwest when . . .

                        1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
                        2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
                        3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
                        4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
                        5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say,
                        "It was different! "

                        You live in Florida when...

                        1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
                        2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind --
                        even houses and cars.
                        3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
                        4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
                        5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people

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                        Blonde Chips
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                        A Blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that
                        day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct
                        her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed
                        her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent
                        her on her way.

                        Who Said Blondes Can't Fly after she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm
                        doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get
                        the hang of this."

                        After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly.

                        The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry
                        that she hadn't radioed in.

                        A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile
                        away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

                        When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was going
                        fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember
                        anything after I turned off the big fan."


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                        Parting Chips
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                        A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away
                        from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the
                        Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience
                        his heritage. A year later the young man returned home.

                        "Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers," the
                        son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess
                        that while in Israel I converted to Christianity."

                        "Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done."
                        So in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and
                        sought his advice and solace.

                        "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend, "I too
                        sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian."

                        So in the tradition of the patriarchs they went to the Rabbi.
                        "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi, "I too
                        sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening
                        to our sons?"

                        "Brothers, we must take this to the Lord," said the Rabbi.

                        They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to
                        the Almighty. As they prayed the clouds opened and a mighty voice stated,
                        "Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel..."

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                        Bonus Chip
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                        Top brass from the Army, Navy and Marine Corps were arguing
                        about who had the bravest troops. They decided to settle the
                        dispute using an enlisted man from each branch.

                        The Army General called a private over and ordered him to
                        climb to the top of the base flagpole while singing "The
                        Caissons Go Rolling Along," then let go with both hands, and
                        salute. The private quickly complied.

                        Next, the Admiral ordered a sailor to climb the pole, polish
                        the brass knob at the top, sing "Anchors Aweigh," salute
                        smartly and jump off. The sailor did as he was told and
                        landed on the concrete below.

                        Finally, the marine was told to do exactly as the army and
                        navy men had done, but in full battle gear, pack filled with
                        bricks, loaded weapon carried high. He took one look at the
                        Marine General and said, "You're out of your mind, sir!"

                        The marine commander turned to the others. "Now THAT'S
                        guts!"

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                        From The Buffalos Mail Box


                        Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
                        ( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as
                        sailors stood around the water cask rumors, sea stories and
                        useful info was spread )


                        A Way To Honor Our Nation Together
                        September 11, 2002 is soon approaching. On that day, please wear red,
                        white and blue to work or school to show your support for those who lost
                        their lives on 9~11~01, and to honor the heroes who
                        worked to save them and the families left behind. At noon your time on
                        September 11, 2002, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
                        stop, put your hand on your heart, and say the Pledge of Allegiance out
                        loud or to yourself, and say a prayer for our nation.
                        Please keep this going to your friends and family. By September 11,
                        2002, hopefully enough people will have read this and will
                        Join together in unity.
                        God Bless the U.S.A...May He ALWAYS be our guide.

                        Smile!

                        Linda

                        ~~~~~

                        In a message dated 08/09/02 11:15:48 PM Pacific Daylight Time,
                        buffalo@... writes:



                        I would appreciate you to let Ganny know that I was also a farmboy. At
                        three years-old, I "drove" the truck while my Dad loaded sugar beets.
                        Actually, I stood behind the steering wheel guiding the truck that was
                        preset as far as speed was concerned.

                        Jim Mc Quain
                        -----------------
                        Jim,

                        In your memories perhaps. Even cruise control won't idle along at 1MPH and a
                        3 year old has an attention span of less than 2 minutes.

                        Dick

                        Buffalo says heck by 4 years old Southern kids are already trying to get a
                        sponsor for NASCAR


                        And Lee says guess the "newer" generation doesn't know much
                        about spark advance and throttle levers.
                        Decades before cruise control.
                        Set 'em and leave 'em. Got for a walk or whatever.

                        Lee

                        ~~~~~

                        Hi Buff,

                        I used to help my uncle in Indiana haul hay in the summer and if memory
                        serves me right, when we didn't have enough help he would set the throttle
                        at a low speed and start down the field and let the truck drive itself.
                        Every so often one of us would have to correct it a little bit to keep it
                        straight. Worked pretty well. He had land rented from the government on an
                        old arsenal and on the way back to the farm we had an A&W root beer stand.
                        Being hot and sweaty, those frosted mugs really hit the spot.

                        David Moore

                        ~~~~~

                        In response to the following message I read in your Scuttlebutt section
                        today...

                        I would appreciate you to let Ganny know that I was also a farmboy. At
                        three years-old, I "drove" the truck while my Dad loaded sugar beets.
                        Actually, I stood behind the steering wheel guiding the truck that was
                        preset as far as speed was concerned.

                        Jim Mc Quain
                        -----------------
                        Jim,

                        In your memories perhaps. Even cruise control won't idle along at 1MPH and a
                        3 year old has an attention span of less than 2 minutes.

                        Dick

                        Hey Dick--you ever hear of a "Granny Gear?" We have a truck that you can put
                        in "Granny" and without having to use the gas peddle it moves so slowly that
                        you can actually out walk the truck. And yes it came from the factory like
                        that, just for farmers and others who needed a very low geared vehicle. Our
                        vehicle is a '69 Dodge truck.
                        Don't know about the Jim's attention span at 3, but all children are
                        different and if it was something my son enjoyed......his attention span was
                        definitely longer than 2 minutes.
                        Don't usually respond to these......but the generalization needed to be
                        addressed.
                        Love your ezine, Buffalo. Keep up the good work.
                        Teri in Choctaw, OK

                        ~~~~~~

                        Hi Buffalo
                        Here's even more information on some of the insurance companies who deny
                        insurance for dog owners, and a short list of breeds that are "blacklisted".
                        This is an issue that's close to my heart as an animal lover and volunteer
                        who
                        rescues dogs from animal shelters, abusive situations, or owners who can't
                        care
                        for their animals any longer. I am afraid eventually *all* dog breeds will
                        be
                        blacklisted as potential biters, then what will homeowners do?

                        http://www.akc.org/love/dip/legislat/insurance_chart0702.cfm

                        Alaskan Redhead

                        ~~~~~~

                        Hmmmm, favorite vehicle (obviously a bit behind reading my email)? Hard
                        to narrow it down. First vehicle I owned was a '73 Yamaha 360 Enduro,
                        top speed of 97mph coming home from work down Sea World Drive. Got run
                        off the road coming down the hill from my girlfriend's house above San
                        Diego Stadium, dislocated my shoulder and totalled the bike. Walked
                        back up the hill to her house, and her parents loaned me their '65 Ford
                        Falcon 4-door w/ a 289 high-performance V8, plus trucked my mangled bike
                        home for me. Ended up buying the Falcon for $600. Then a school bus
                        blew an intersection and t-boned the car, ending its life. Next up was
                        a '78 Olds 98, about as big a car as ever's been made. You could watch
                        the gas gauge go down when punching the throttle up a hill -- 8 to 12
                        mpg on a good day. Next was a '61 Volvo, with one of the carbs held
                        together with duct tape. But the favorite had to be the '47 Plymouth
                        Clipper I got for painting a friend's mother's house. Suicide doors,
                        push-button starter, hand-cranked hood-vent, a badooga horn, big enough
                        to take me and 7 or 8 friends out cruisin' comfortably to the wrestling
                        matches at the Sports Arena. Wow, thanks for the trip down memory
                        lane.....

                        Oliphant Don in San Diego

                        ~~~~~

                        Dear Buff, Just a short note to let you know that my son (a Navy
                        Mustang) is due back from the N. Arabian Sea. Dropping bombs on the bad
                        guys over there. He is in a F-14 Squadron attached to the U,S,S,Kennedy.
                        They left last Feb. And we are really glad to have them back safe and
                        sound.
                        Jack Irish Hills Mi

                        ~~~~~~

                        Bill

                        I wrote this piece.

                        Stan Kegel

                        buffalos-g-jokes@yahoogroups.com wrote:

                        >
                        > It had been a horrible week for Henry.
                        >
                        > An entomologist at the local university, he was up for a promotion
                        > this year. With the promotion would come tenure. But there was a
                        > problem. It was not that he couldn't teach. His Biology 210 classes
                        > were always packed and two years ago he was honored by the
                        > undergraduates by being named their favorite teacher.
                        >
                        > No, his problem was with his research. He hadn't had a successful
                        > research project in several years. The last paper that he'd published
                        > was three years ago. In an age of "Publish or Perish," this was not a
                        > good situation, particularly for a non-tenured professor.
                        >
                        > The week started with a shock. He received notice that his research
                        > grants would not be renewed for the coming year. And, if that was not
                        > enough, the Dean called him into his office to tell him his contract
                        > would not be renewed unless he had a paper accepted for publication by
                        > a major entomology journal before the end of the school year.
                        >
                        > Depressed, he left the University as soon as his morning lecture was
                        > over so that he could work in his garden. In the past, this had always
                        > had been effective in relieving tension. But to his chagrin, he found
                        > most of his roses were dying. On closer examination found they were
                        > infested with a parasite.
                        >
                        > But what were these insects? They appeared to belong to the order
                        > Anapleura. That was strange. Anapleura infected mammals not plants.
                        >
                        > He examined them more closely. Small. Wingless. Definitely a species
                        > of Pediculosis, but one he had never seen before.
                        >
                        > He gathered up several specimens, and rushed to his lab, full of new
                        > vigor. He examined the insects in detail and rapidly wrote an article
                        > describing this new species of insect.
                        >
                        > Well, I'm sure you know the result. The article was immediately
                        > accepted by the American Journal of Entomology. His job was saved and
                        > he received his most coveted tenure. And, he received a new major
                        > grant to study this new species.
                        >
                        > You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf
                        > <Lease on life for those who didn't
                        > get it>
                        >
                        > Amy

                        Buffalo says Thanks for setting the record straight Stan.


                        ~~~~~~



                        Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
                        name is Buffalo and I have the watch.


                        Made it out to the airport about ten minutes before Sandy's plane
                        this afternoon. Chippewa County Airport is on the site of the old
                        Kincheloe AFB, a SAC base of the 60's and 70's that was designed
                        to handle the gigantic B-52's and we are not talking the Southern
                        Rock Group. This airport was also in the Die Hard movie where
                        they blew up 747 because it had the runways to handle any
                        commercial plane and the filming without affecting airport operations.
                        A B-52 runway is like blastproof concrete and over 5 miles long
                        so the plane took almost as long to taxi back to the terminal as
                        it did to fly up from the Lower Peninsula. The wife was so happy
                        to be back she wasn't even bothered by the mess we made. Anyhow , stopped
                        and picked up a couple of long neck bottles of Henry Weinhard's Root Beer
                        and it wasn't bad to drink but was shocked
                        by the amount of foam it produced. Still an A&W original fan I
                        guess. We then got into a discussion on Sun Tea and the practice
                        of leaving glass bottles of water out to scare dogs away from using
                        your yard to potty. Has anyone ever tried that, and did you have
                        good results with it? It won't work up here because we have
                        freezing temps 9 months of the year.
                        Enjoy the chips and bacon burgers from the West Pier Drive-in were great..
                        Have a good weekend....buffalo


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                        Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

                        *********************************************

                        Remember 9/11/01
                      • William Brabant
                        Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Hello from the buffalo again. Sitting here waiting
                        Message 11 of 29 , Nov 17, 2002
                          Clean Clean





                          Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
                          name is Buffalo and I have the watch.


                          Hello from the buffalo again. Sitting here waiting for someone to fix
                          the
                          mail server down at the ISP so we can get up and running again. I hate
                          the attitude of ISP's . Down for 8 hours. Lost your mail. Destroyed
                          your
                          mail. Inconvenienced your reader's and friends and bounced all your
                          mail.
                          Tough Chips. Well I have tough Chips for them I just signed up for
                          cable
                          access when it is finally installed next month and they are losing an
                          account or two or maybe the whole deal.
                          What would be really fun is if we mailed them in mass and told them
                          they
                          had very poor service. Nothing nasty just 50,000 complaints at one
                          time.
                          We could make it a habit . Like a chips of the week award for crappy
                          service. We could even be noticed by AOL and MSN and they would put
                          a contract out on the buffalo OOPS never mind Enjoy your Sunday I
                          think the
                          mail is working again...buffalo

                          My question is who are the peaceful readers that are buying all of
                          these shirts???

                          For The Peaceful Patriot!

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                          to support war? The message of peace is more important today
                          than ever before. Help build a safer world for our children by
                          letting others know what's important to you.
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                          Arctic Chips
                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                          During an arctic training exercise in Alaska intense cold played
                          havoc with vehicles and equipment. One harassed battery commander
                          was trying to cope with vehicles that wouldn't run and machinery
                          that wouldn't work.

                          He was wondering what else could go wrong when the door opened
                          and a soldier rushed in to announce, "Hey, captain, the Northern
                          Lights are out!

                          Exasperated and without looking, the captain barked, "Well, go
                          get the generator mechanic and have him fix the damn things!"

                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                          Toon Chips
                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                          Flying Chips
                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                          Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a
                          sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance
                          complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action
                          recorded by mechanics.

                          By the way, Qantas is supposedly the only major airline
                          that has never had an accident.

                          P = the problem the pilots entered in the log.
                          S = the solution or corrective action taken by the mechanics.

                          P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
                          S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

                          P: Something loose in cockpit.
                          S: Something tightened in cockpit.

                          P: Dead bugs on windshield.
                          S: Live bugs on backorder.

                          P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
                          S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

                          P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
                          S: Evidence removed.

                          P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
                          S: DME volume set to more believable level.

                          P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
                          S: That's what they're there for!

                          P: IFF inoperative.
                          S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

                          P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
                          S: Suspect you're right.

                          P: Aircraft handles funny.
                          S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

                          P: Radar hums.
                          S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

                          P: Mouse in cockpit.
                          S: Cat installed.


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                          Technology Chips
                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                          "But what ... is it good for?"
                          --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968,
                          commenting on the microchip.

                          "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
                          --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment
                          Corp.,
                          1977

                          "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously
                          considered as a
                          means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
                          --Western Union internal memo, 1876.

                          "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would
                          pay
                          for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
                          --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for
                          investment in
                          the radio in the 1920s.

                          Mojo


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                          Dying Chips
                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                          A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his
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                          He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress
                          disorder. If
                          you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each
                          morning, fix
                          him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make
                          him a
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                          him. Don't
                          burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him -- it
                          will
                          only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make
                          love
                          with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the
                          next 10
                          months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health
                          completely."
                          On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor
                          say?"
                          "He said you're going to die," she replied.

                          Joan

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                          Smoking Chips
                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                          I quit smoking once for six days. And then they untied me.
                          One poll says 73% of Americans favor raising the cigarette tax.
                          It's only fair. Since smokers aren't around as long as everyone
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                          should pay more while they're here.
                          Remember, smoking doesn't kill people. People who are trying to quit
                          smoking kill people.
                          Trying to quit smoking can drive you nuts -- especially when you try
                          to
                          light your nicotine gum.

                          Marlboro has a line of outdoor gear for smokers. They recommend you
                          buy it
                          a size larger so paramedics don't have to cut it off of you.
                          The Marlboro clothing is very functional. The denim jacket has
                          electric
                          heart paddles sewn right into the lining, and there's a backpack that
                          can
                          hold a portable respirator.
                          I stopped smoking and extended my life expectancy... My wife is
                          furious.


                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                          Aged Chips
                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                          A Pastor was called to a local nursing home to perform a wedding. An
                          anxious old man met him at the door. The pastor sat down to counsel
                          the old
                          man and asked several questions.
                          "Do you love her?"
                          The old man replied, "Nope."
                          "Is she a good Christian woman?"
                          "I don't know for sure," the old man answered.
                          "Does she have lots of money?" asked the pastor.
                          "I doubt it."
                          "Then why are you marrying her?" the preacher asked.
                          "Cause she can drive at night," the old man said.

                          Big Al

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                          Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it
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                          So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick
                          and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

                          As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton
                          headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.

                          This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he
                          knew from his parish.

                          Setting up on the first tee, he was alone.

                          After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in
                          church!

                          At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while
                          looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not
                          going to let him get away with this, are you?"

                          The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

                          Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards
                          the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the
                          hole.

                          It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

                          St. Peter was astonished.

                          He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

                          The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

                          Dianne

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                          Parting Chips
                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                          My loving mother sent this to me so I thought I would pass it on.

                          Cathy.

                          A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
                          me...I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
                          it
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                          then
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                          going
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                          He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's
                          have a
                          cup of coffee, then ...........", he sighed, "let's put all these
                          Frosted
                          Flakes back in the box."

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                          Bonus Chip
                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                          A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend.

                          By the time he got home Sunday, the leg was very swollen and he was
                          having
                          difficulty walking, so he called his physician at his home. The
                          doctor told
                          him to soak it in hot water. He tried soaking it in hot water but
                          the leg
                          became more swollen and more painful.

                          His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know, I'm only a maid,
                          but I
                          always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for
                          swelling." He
                          tried switching to cold water, and the swelling rapidly subsided.

                          On Monday morning he called his Dr. again to complain. "Say Doc,
                          what kind
                          of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak my leg in hot water
                          and it
                          got worse. My maid told me to use cold water and it got better."

                          "Really?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it - my maid said
                          hot
                          water."
                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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                          Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

                          *********************************************

                          Remember 9/11/01
                        • William Brabant
                          Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. If it seems to you that I am disgusted about the
                          Message 12 of 29 , Dec 2 3:40 PM
                            Clean Clean



                            Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
                            name is Buffalo and I have the watch.


                            If it seems to you that I am disgusted about
                            the beginning of winter, you are probably
                            right. It is hard after so many years of
                            pleasant winters to think that we may be faced
                            a good old fashioned winter of more than ten feet
                            of snowfall. Not being an avid snowmobilers,
                            skater, or cross-country skier I have never
                            really enjoyed winter since childhood. It
                            always seemed to me just a hindrance to doing
                            those things that were important like getting
                            to work or going shopping that puts your
                            blood pressure meds to the test at times. If
                            you have never done figure eights in traffic
                            like they show on TV every time it snows back
                            east, then you have no idea the stress it puts
                            you through. I have been in some of the finer
                            ditches and snow banks in Michigan and can tell
                            you that spinning out of control on a steep hill
                            on your way to work in the morning at 40 mph puts
                            any other problem you may face during the day
                            into perspective.

                            That said it is strange that even though there
                            is a foot of snow on the ground I haven't seen
                            or heard the usual snowmobile traffic yet. It
                            doesn't bother me during the daytime or evening,
                            because after all they do have thousands of dollars
                            invested in their machines, but there is always
                            some clown who has to defy the law and race by
                            at 0300 coming back from the bars. Law enforcement
                            is ready for them too with their own machines
                            to give chase with a lot of them capable of over
                            100 mph I am surprised you never see them on
                            the police chase shows.

                            Enjoy the chips... buffalo

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                            Fruit Cake Chips
                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                            Christmas Fruitcake Recipe
                            Items Needed:
                            -------------
                            4 Oz. Fruit Bits
                            1 Railroad Tie
                            Wood Saw
                            Large Rubber Mallot
                            Safety Goggles

                            WEAR YOUR SAFETY GOGGLES.
                            (Children: Get help from an adult!)

                            Cut a one-foot section from the middle of your railroad tie.
                            The resulting block of wood should be the size and shape of a loaf of
                            bread.
                            Then, take some fruit bits and pound them into the block with your
                            rubber mallot.
                            Spread the colors around, or you might wind up with an ugly
                            fruitcake.
                            Don't be afraid to throw some elbow grease into that mallot!
                            Good fruit bits should be much harder than the railroad tie, so you
                            can't break anything.
                            For best result, you should pre-treat the fruit bits by setting them
                            on top of your garage for a year
                            (or by microwaving them on HIGH for 30 minutes).
                            Finally, cover it tightly in plastic wrap, and give your loved ones
                            the timeless and enduring gift of fruitcake!

                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                            Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait

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                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                            Mother Chips
                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                            I'd had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old. When bed- time
                            finally came, I laid down the law: "We're putting on your p.j.s,
                            brushing your teeth, and reading ONE book. Then it's lights out!"

                            Her arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and she
                            said, "We learned in Sunday school about little boys and
                            girls who don't have mommies and daddies."

                            Even after I'd been such a grouch, I thought, she was still grateful
                            to have me. I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, and then she
                            whispered, "Maybe you could go be THEIR mom?"

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                            Short Chips
                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                            My aunt's neighbor in New York had a beautiful black cat, named Felix,
                            who spent his days outside and came indoors at night. One cool October
                            evening, he disappeared. The neighbor searched for him in vain for
                            several days. The following spring,, however, Felix reappeared,
                            looking
                            healthy and clean. She figured he's been out sowing his wild oats.
                            Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Felix
                            disappeared
                            again. The next spring, he returned. Perplexed, my aunt's friend began
                            asking neighbors for clues. Finally, she rang the bell of an older
                            couple who lived down the street. "A black cat?" the woman said. "Oh,
                            yes! My husband and I hated to see him out in the cold, so we bought a
                            cat carrier. We take him to Florida with us every winter."
                            ---------------------------------------------
                            Three guys were joining the Army. One was an Italian, one was an
                            Irishman, and one was Polish. They are standing in line to get their
                            issued clothes and underwear. They reach the guy who is handing out
                            the
                            underwear and he asks the Italian guy, "How many pair of underwear do
                            you want?" The Italian guy answers, "I'll have 7 pair...one for each
                            day
                            of the week." So the guy gives him his 7 pair and he moves on. Next
                            comes the Irishman and he asks, "How many pair of underwear do you
                            want?" The Irishman answers, " I'll have 6 pair...one for each day of
                            the week, and I'll wear the same ones on Sunday, that I wore on
                            Saturday." So the guy says ok and hands him his 6 pair and moves on.
                            Last comes the Polish guy and he asks, " Alright, how many pair of
                            underwear do you want?" The Polish guys answers, " I'll take 12 pair."
                            This surprises the guy and he shouts, "12 pair! What the heck do you
                            need 12 pair of underwear for?" The Polish guy says, " Yes,12 pair.
                            One
                            for each month of the year!"
                            ----------------------------------------
                            A Pole, Brit and American rob a bank. Afterwards, they hide in
                            different
                            trees. The cops go to the American tree and ask "Who's up there?" The
                            American says "Tweet Tweet." The cops say, "Oh, just a bird." They go
                            to
                            the British blokes tree and say, "Who's up there?" The Brit says "Meow
                            meow." "Oh, that's just a cat", says the cops. So they go up to the
                            Polish guys tree and say, "Who's up there?" The Polish guy says
                            "Moooooo!"
                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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                            Random Chips
                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                            As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day, I overheard
                            some
                            of the children talking about their siblings. "My brother takes karate
                            lessons," bragged one. "My sister takes gymnastics," said another. Not
                            to be outdone, the youngest piped up, "My sister takes antibiotics!"
                            -----------------------------------------------
                            For many years I worked as a receptionist and switchboard operator at
                            a
                            busy company. After a good annual review, my supervisor told me I was
                            up
                            for a raise, pending approval of the vice president. A month later, my
                            supervisor called me into his office and told me the VP had refused to
                            approve the raise. His reason? I clearly wasn't doing my job. Every
                            time
                            he saw me, I was either chatting with someone in the lobby or talking
                            on
                            the phone.
                            ---------------------------------
                            Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny
                            village. "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.
                            "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has to
                            live
                            in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered dump, or by them that's
                            merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms for a short
                            spell."
                            ----------------------------------------
                            Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony.
                            When it was over, she asked her mother, "Why did the lady change her
                            mind?" Her mother asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, she went down the
                            aisle with one man, and came back with another one."
                            ------------------------------------
                            A man goes into this local place where bricks and cement blocks are
                            sold, and orders 20,000 bricks. "May I ask what you're building?" asks
                            the man behind the counter. "Yeah, it's going to be a
                            barbecue." "Damn!
                            That's a lot of bricks for one barbecue," "Not really; you have to
                            consider that I live on the 18th floor."
                            ----------------------------------
                            An extremely wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman
                            in
                            her twenties and is contemplating a proposal. "Do you think she'd
                            marry
                            me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend. "Your chances are
                            better,"
                            said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."


                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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                            Short Chips
                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                            Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were."I'm so
                            tough", said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a
                            week".
                            -
                            "Well", said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a
                            pair
                            of jeans in a day".
                            -
                            "That's nothing", said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see
                            my
                            grandma and grampa, I can wear them out in a hour".


                            ~~~~~~~

                            I worked in the biology department at Buffalo State College in New
                            York.
                            The Great Lakes Laboratory, also stationed at the college, employed a
                            licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. It was common
                            knowledge that the captain couldn't swim.
                            -
                            When newcomers learned of this, they would approach him about it. "Is
                            it
                            true?" one of them asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't
                            swim?"
                            -
                            "No, I can't" he replied. "Can pilots fly?"
                            -
                            ~~~~


                            For many years I worked as a receptionist and switchboard operator at
                            a
                            busy company. After a good annual review, my supervisor told me I was
                            up
                            for a raise, pending approval of the vice president.
                            -
                            A month later, my supervisor called me into his office and told me the
                            VP had refused to approve the raise. His reason? I clearly wasn't
                            doing
                            my job. Every time he saw me, I was either chatting with someone in
                            the
                            lobby or talking on the phone.


                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                            Driving Chips
                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                            Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers,
                            a
                            State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks
                            to
                            himself 'this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!'

                            So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the
                            car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat
                            and three in the back -wide eyed and white as ghosts.

                            The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
                            understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the
                            problem?"

                            "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should
                            know
                            that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other
                            drivers."

                            "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
                            exactly...Twenty two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

                            The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her
                            that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit
                            embarrassed,
                            the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

                            "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this
                            car
                            ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single
                            peep this whole time" the officer asks.

                            "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route
                            119."


                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                            LynnLynn's Links
                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                            Mother In Law Chips
                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



                            Mother in laws

                            * My mother-in-law's other car is a Broom!

                            * My mother-in-law said to me, "I'll dance on
                            your grave." I said, "I hope you do. I'm being
                            buried at sea."

                            * My mother-in-law is a well-balanced person.
                            She's got a chip on BOTH shoulders

                            * I have never made a fool of my mother-in-law; I
                            just leave her to display her natural talents
                            herself.

                            * Does it really surprise anyone that
                            mother-in-law's Day occurs less than one week
                            before Halloween?

                            * My mother-in-law asked me, "If you hate me so
                            much, why is my photo on the mantle piece (shelf
                            above the open fireplace)?" I told her, "So as to
                            keep the kids away from the fire."

                            * I always know when it's the mother-in-law
                            knocking at the door - the mice throw themselves
                            in the traps.

                            * The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened
                            the door, there was my mother-in-law on the front
                            step. She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
                            I said, "Sure you can." And shut the door .

                            * Last week my wife and I went car shopping, and
                            the salesman asked if I wanted a car with an
                            Airbag. I said, "No thanks. I already have a
                            mother-in-law."
                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                            Toon Chips
                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                            Special Deal
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                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                            Bar Chips
                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                            A bar owner locked up his place at 2 AM and went
                            home to sleep. He had been in bed only a few
                            minutes when the phone rang. "What time do you
                            open up in the morning?" he heard an obviously
                            inebriated man inquire.

                            The owner was so furious; he slammed down the receiver and went back
                            to bed.

                            A few minutes later there was another call and he
                            heard the same voice ask the same question.

                            "Listen, the owner shouted, "there's no sense in
                            asking me what time I open because I wouldn't let
                            a person in your condition in-"

                            "I don't want to get in," the caller interjected. "I want to get
                            out!!"

                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                            pre-installed two channel proportional wide beam infrared control
                            system.

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                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                            Parting Chips
                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                            Fan Dumb

                            One of rock and roll's earliest and greatest performers was the
                            incomparable Buddy Holly. Despite his bespectacled, nerdy appearance,
                            the man really knew how to ignite an audience. In fact, the folks who
                            attended Buddy's performances got so excited that many of his
                            concerts ended with a riot. Just as soon as the fans saw that Buddy
                            had performed the closing song, they would fly into a collective
                            rage, smash chairs, storm the stage, and tear down the curtain. So no
                            theater owner would hire Buddy because they feared that their patrons
                            would wreck the halls, with bows of Holly.

                            (From "The Ants Are My Friends" by Richard Lederer & Stan Kegel ©2007
                            Marion Street Press)


                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




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                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                            Bonus Chip
                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                            A large two-engine passenger train was crossing the U. S. from NYC to
                            LA. After they had gone about a third of the distance one of the
                            engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and continued
                            on half power.

                            Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train
                            came to a standstill. The engineer decided to inform the passengers
                            the reason the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:

                            "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news.

                            The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck
                            here for quite some time. -

                            The good news is that you decided to take the train instead of a
                            plane."


                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                            Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                            Katie's Komfort Kolumn
                            Vol 1161

                            Sandi's Shopping Spree

                            BJ: Okay Sandi, let's go shopping.

                            Sandi: Yawn. Okay if you want to, but I was really sleeping well.

                            BJ: Good grief, Rudy and Katie really wanted to shop and you just
                            want to sleep.

                            Sandi: Well, Christmas is not about presents and shopping, it is
                            about family.

                            On the road...

                            BJ: Which store?

                            Sandi: A thrift store will be fine.

                            BJ: Thrift store?

                            Sandi: Sure, no need to spend a lot.

                            BJ: Okay...

                            In a large thrift store. Sandi has a cart and is putting in some
                            blankets.

                            Sandi: Katie will like the blankets, she gets cold easy. I have some
                            pillows in here for Rudy, he likes to lounge on pillows. I have some
                            smaller coats for Diana. She has lost so much weight she needs
                            smaller
                            coats. I found a Lassie movie you don't have, and a smaller coat for
                            you.

                            BJ: Wow, your stuff cost less than what the others spent, yet you got
                            a lot more.

                            Sandi: This is what we need, not what we want. Christmas should be
                            about filling needs. There all done daddy. Let's go home and let me
                            continue my nap.

                            BJ: I think we could learn a lot from you ole girl.

                            The herd in Guthrie

                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                            Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

                            *********************************************

                            Remember 9/11/01



                            Regarding any problems unsubscribing from this mailing list

                            In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:

                            William Brabant
                            711 Pine Street Apt.1
                            Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
                          • William Brabant
                            Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Eva got to see her first Hockey game last night
                            Message 13 of 29 , Feb 24, 2008
                              Clean Clean


                              Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
                              name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

                              Eva got to see her first Hockey game last night
                              with the Lake Superior Lakers beating the University
                              of Alaska at Fairbanks for the second night in a row.
                              It's a great chance for a little kid to scream at the
                              top of their lungs and root for the team. They were
                              in the front row next to the penalty box and Eva was
                              flirting with the referees, the players, and the guy
                              in charge of the penalty box and munching on a pizza.
                              At the end of the game they tossed her a free LSSU
                              T-shirt but it was a medium so it will be a long time
                              before she gets a chance to wear it. All in All though
                              a great way to build a future home town audience.

                              Enjoy the Chips..... buffalo

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                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                              Doctor Chips
                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                              Let Me Tell You About My Doctor. He is very good.

                              If you tell him you want a second opinion, he will go out and come in
                              again.

                              He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he
                              realized
                              she was Chinese.

                              Another time he gave a patient 6 months to live. At the end of the 6
                              months,
                              the patient hadn't paid his bill, so the doctor gave him another 6
                              months.

                              While he was talking to me his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there
                              is a
                              man here who thinks he is invisible." The doctor said, "Tell him I
                              can't
                              see him."

                              Another time a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor, my
                              son
                              just swallowed a roll of film." The doctor calmly replied, "Let's
                              just wait
                              and see what develops."

                              One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory
                              problem."
                              The doctor asked, "When did it start?" The man replied, "When did
                              what start
                              ?"

                              I remember once I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His
                              advice:
                              "Don't answer it."

                              My doctor sure has his share of nut cases.

                              One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell." The doctor gave him
                              some
                              pills and said, "Here, take these, and if they don't work, give me a
                              ring."

                              Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards.
                              The
                              doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."

                              When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to
                              stop going
                              to those places.

                              But doctors can be so frustrating.

                              You wait a month and a half for an appointment. Then he says, "I wish
                              you
                              had come to me sooner."


                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                              Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait

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                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                              Lexus Chips
                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                              A woman parked her brand-new Lexus in front of her office, ready to
                              show it off to her colleagues. As she got out, a truck passed too
                              close
                              and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The woman
                              immediately grabbed her cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a
                              policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any
                              questions, the woman started screaming hysterically. Her Lexus, which
                              she had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and
                              would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When
                              the woman finally wound down from her ranting and raving, the officer
                              shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how
                              materialistic you women are," he said. "You are so focused on your
                              possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say
                              such
                              a thing?" asked the woman. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your
                              left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off
                              when
                              the truck hit you." "OH MY GOD!" screamed the woman. "Where's my
                              tennis
                              bracelet?"

                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                              Short Chips
                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                              Our crew at an ambulance company works 24-hour shifts. The sleeping
                              quarters consist of a large room with several single beds, so we get
                              to
                              know one another's habits, like who snores or talks in his sleep.
                              While
                              I was having my teeth examined by a dentist one day, he noticed that
                              some of my teeth were chipped. "It looks like you clench your jaw at
                              night," he said. "No way," I blurted without thinking. "No one has
                              ever
                              said I grind my teeth, and I sleep with a lot of people!"
                              ----------------------------------------------------
                              I was on family leave, spending my days caring for my two-year-old son
                              while pregnant with my second child. To kill some time, I began to
                              watch
                              the Game Show Network, and I got hooked. One afternoon my husband came
                              home to find the house in complete disarray and me plopped in front of
                              the TV. "So this is what you do while I'm working?" he said, smirking.
                              "It just happened to be on TV," I lied. The next evening we were
                              watching Bush's inauguration. As Bush stepped out of his limousine and
                              waved to reporters, my son shouted, "Look, Mommy! He won the car!"


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                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                              Random Chips
                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                              A doctor had just hired a new secretary.

                              Having trouble with the doctor¹s notes on an emergency case which
                              read,
                              "Shot in the lumbar region," the poor girl was flustered and at her
                              wit's end.

                              At last she thought she had it figured out and brightened up as she
                              typed up the record, "Wounded in the woods."




                              A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he
                              decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a
                              really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced.
                              "Will the laziest man please put his hand up?" Nine hands went
                              up. "Why
                              didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man. "Too much
                              trouble," came the reply.



                              Bill took Myrddin to a celebratory dinner at a really
                              posh restaurant.

                              They walked in, were ushered to a table by a formally
                              dressed maitre d', and sat down at a table on which
                              were displayed the finest china and crystal. Taking
                              the damask napkin from the solid silver napkin ring,
                              Myrddin unfolded it, put it around his neck and
                              proceeded to tie a knot in the back.

                              Staring at him, the maitre d' said, between gritted
                              teeth, "Sir, will you be having a shave or a haircut?"



                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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                              Foot Chips
                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                              A well-dressed business man was walking down the street when
                              a rough-looking little kid stopped him and asked, "Sir, can
                              you tell me the time?"

                              The gentleman carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket,
                              removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It
                              is
                              a quarter to three, young man."

                              "Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can
                              kiss my foot!"

                              With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry,
                              the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not
                              been running long when an old friend stopped him.

                              "Why are you running to like a maniac?" asked the friend.

                              Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man
                              said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told
                              him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly
                              three, I should kiss his foot!"

                              "So what's your hurry," said the friend, looking at his own
                              watch. "You
                              still have twelve minutes."



                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                              Fish and Chips
                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                              Paddy and Murphy are sitting in the pub one day having a quiet drink
                              when a bloke walks in and slaps a 46lb trout on the bar.

                              "Jesus Christ" said Paddy. "Where'd you get that?????"

                              "Well" said the man "I go to the part of the river by the bridge and
                              get a friend to dangle me off the side. I can just reach the water
                              and so when a fish comes near - I grab it!"

                              "Aaaaaaah" exclaimed Murphy, "We will try it tomorrow!"

                              So the next day Paddy and Murphy set off to the bridge by the river.

                              Murphy is dangling Paddy over the side and after about 10 minutes
                              Paddy yells "QUICK! Pull me up!!!"

                              "Why, have you caught a fish?" asks Murphy.

                              And Paddy replies "No, but there's a bloody train coming!!"


                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                              LynnLynn's Links
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                              Movies

                              Einstein The Bird
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                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                              Angel Chips
                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                              A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice shout at him.
                              "-Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall
                              down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a few seconds
                              later a big brick fell down in front of him, the man was shocked that
                              the brick didn't hit him, the man went on and after a while he went
                              to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "-Stop! Stand still
                              ! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

                              The man asked the voice -"who are you?"

                              I am your guardian angel, the voice answered.

                              "Oh yeah? And where the hell were you when I got married?".
                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                              Toon Chips
                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                              Sunshine State
                              http://www.buffaloschips.com/41228.htm
                              <a href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/41228.htm "> Here!</a>

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                              Updated For The 90's http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny190.html
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                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                              Phone Chips
                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                              A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when
                              the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, "Hi, Daddy!"
                              and she began telling him about her day.

                              She then passed the phone to her brother and sister, as was the
                              custom whenever Daddy called from work.

                              When it was finally the wife's turn to talk she took the receiver and
                              said, "Hi, hon."

                              "Thank goodness, lady," the voice on the other end replied. "I just
                              called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!"

                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                              Parting Chips
                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                              A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D.C. The guide
                              pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a
                              dollar across the Potomac River.

                              "That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin
                              that far!"

                              "You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot
                              farther in those days."


                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~







                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                              Bonus Chip
                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                              The elementary school teacher was trying impress upon the
                              seventh-grade history class how Native Americans must have felt when
                              they first encountered the Spanish explorers.
                              "How would you feel," said she, "if someone showed up on your
                              doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore
                              unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"

                              "Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date ..."


                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                              Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                              Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

                              *********************************************

                              Remember 9/11/01



                              Regarding any problems unsubscribing from this mailing list

                              In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:

                              William Brabant
                              711 Pine Street Apt.1
                              Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
                            • William Brabant
                              Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Life in Boot Camp began at Camp Barry, the older
                              Message 14 of 29 , Jan 18, 2009
                                Clean Clean

                                Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
                                name is Buffalo and I have the watch.


                                Life in Boot Camp began at Camp Barry, the older WWII style barracks.


                                My trip to Camp Barry started at AFEES Detroit about 1500.
                                I was there on a Monday because on Tuesday I was supposed to report
                                for an induction physical. My birthday was 39 in the lottery and they
                                were pulling 1-50 in my county. I had tried the Coast Guard and Army
                                recruiters first and the Coast Guard wanted me to lose 20 pounds
                                first but the Army had some great offers. With 4 years of JROTC and
                                two years of college they were more than
                                willing to offer me a job as a helicopter pilot. Once I considered
                                the life expectancy of helicopter pilots, I decided to go talk to the
                                Navy recruiter instead and he offered me E-3 and OP specialty which
                                had three Seabee ratings in it. Of course when we got to
                                classification they were only hiring BT's and Nuclear Machinist Mates
                                that day and I didn't have the desire at the time to go for a six
                                year hitch.

                                But anyhow back to Camp Barry, we landed at O'Hare at about 2000 and
                                by the time the bus finally got there and hauled us to Great Lakes it
                                was about 0100 and we were told to make ourselves
                                comfortable because no one would be there till morning. They also
                                pointed out an amnesty barrel in the corner and read off a list of
                                illegal and contraband items that we should discard. It included
                                alcohol, drugs, guns, knives, pornography, etc. I spent my first
                                night in the Navy sitting in a chair napping.

                                First thing in the morning we did our paperwork, got our billet
                                numbers got haircuts, chowed down several times, and towards the
                                evening they issued us our uniforms and after changing and packing
                                our
                                civvies into a box to go home we were introduced to our barracks.
                                Generally the stay there was short with classification, testing,
                                shots, swim test, etc. but being as we hit there just before Memorial
                                Day
                                weekend we spent over a week there. The old wooden style barracks
                                were what I expected having watched the old films, the bunks were
                                comfortable, the food was as good as the MSU stuff I had been eating
                                for the past two years, and I was used to the hazing so I was really
                                comfortable.

                                I had a new found bad habit that I had started on the way to Great
                                Lakes in that I had bought my first pack of cigarettes. I wasted a
                                lot of work time over the next 24 years taking smoke breaks or
                                telling someone I would start something as soon as I finished a
                                smoke and the Navy used it as a punishment / reward thing. Camp
                                Barry's buildings were a fire waiting for a place to happen though
                                and the only time you were allowed to smoke was in the center of
                                one of the bays around a bucket of sand with a fire watch present. It
                                was commented that if a fire started it would consume a building in
                                three minutes.

                                Around Memorial Day one of the barracks caught fire upstairs and
                                burnt down over half of the building. Rumor had it that some of the
                                recruits in our company had been smoking pot in the second deck
                                of one of the unused buildings and had set some mattresses on fire
                                to test the theory. Never found out whether that was true but three
                                guys were pulled from our company about the same time. But anyhow
                                rather than standing a barracks watch I had a couple of days of
                                standing fire watch in the burnt out buildings which was fine by me
                                because others were stuck in the scullery during that time washing
                                pots and pans.

                                Enjoy the chips ... buffalo

                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                Cold Chips
                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                IT WAS SO COLD THAT.....

                                1. We had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked
                                around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!

                                2. Hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!

                                3. Roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to
                                use the pressure cooker!

                                4. When I dialed 911, a recorded message said to phone back in the
                                Spring!

                                5. The optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new paid
                                of eyeglasses!

                                6. Kids were using a new excuse to stay up late: "But Mom, my pj's
                                haven't thawed out yet!"

                                7. Pickpockets were sticking their hands in strangers pockets just to
                                keep them warm!

                                8. The squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric
                                fence!

                                9. Grandpa's teeth were chattering - in the glass!

                                10. The dogs were wearing cats instead of chasing them!

                                11. Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick!

                                12. Levi Strauss started manufacturing electric jeans!

                                13. The rats were bribing the alley cats for a snuggle!

                                14. We had to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of
                                our parkas!

                                15. When the cows were milked, we got ice cream! Milking the brown
                                cows, we got chocolate ice cream!

                                16. Playboy magazine stopped publishing because no women would take
                                their clothes off!


                                Patricia

                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait


                                National Etiquette
                                http://buffalosjokes.com/12115.htm

                                Old Acquaintance
                                http://buffalosjokes.com/12114.htm

                                New Year
                                http://buffalosjokes.com/12113.htm


                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                Sailing Chips
                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                I just got back from a sailing holiday where I
                                remembered this true tale you might be interested in.

                                A friend was looking for a second hand boat
                                (a Laser) to buy, when he hit on a great idea...

                                At his sailing club (the Queen Mary in London) there
                                was a large trailer park and a smaller yard where
                                the management put trailers and boats if the owner
                                didn't pay their membership for 12 months. The Queen
                                Mary club is very big and at the time there were three
                                or four Lasers in this yard that judging from their
                                condition hadn't been sailed for at least a year.

                                My friend took down the numbers of these boats and
                                asked the club secretary for the owners address so
                                that he could make them an offer. The first chap he
                                rang said he wasn't interested in selling as he was
                                going to sail it himself "one of these days".

                                He then rang the second owner who lived about 100
                                miles away. A woman answered the phone and
                                confirmed that they did still own the Laser. My friend explained that
                                he had seen it in the defaulters yard and that as it clearly hadn't
                                been sailed for a year - did she think her husband would be
                                interested in selling?

                                "Oh no" she said "there must be some mistake -
                                come rain or shine my husband spends one
                                weekend a month in London sailing..."

                                I bet he had some explaining to do when he got
                                home!

                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                Short Chips
                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                Q. What should you do if you stub your toe?

                                A. Call a toe truck!

                                --------------------

                                Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He
                                surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him
                                after an encounter with a porcupine.

                                After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he
                                returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

                                "Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.

                                "Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong
                                with you Maine people, you're always trying to over-charge summer
                                visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being
                                gypped here?"

                                "Raise porcupines, Ma'am."

                                --------------------

                                A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city
                                because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
                                Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read"

                                "I have circled this block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss
                                my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

                                When he returned 2 hours later, he found a citation from a police
                                officer along with this note:

                                "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket
                                I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

                                -----------------------

                                While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish horse-
                                driven carriage.

                                The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because
                                attached to the back of the carriage was a hand-painted sign:

                                "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not
                                step in exhaust."

                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                                Short Chips
                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                A sight-seeing bus travelling from San Francisco to Muir Woods
                                National Monument wound around many hairpin curves. After
                                successfully negotiating a particularly sharp curve, the bus driver
                                pulled over to the side of the road. "Well, this is a new twist," he
                                said, surveying his wide-eyed passengers. "I'm taking a load of
                                petrified tourists to see a living forest!

                                It's not just the stock market that's been telegraphing "trouble"
                                about the economy. The price of thoroughbreds has matched Wall
                                Street's gyrations. Yearlings that sold for an average of $27,295 in
                                1994 were fetching $54,506 in 2000. But recent sales have seen 20
                                percent declines from a year ago. Moral: If you invest in horses,
                                don't expect stable prices.

                                Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about
                                the long delay she always endured. One day, when my aunt's name was
                                finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to get
                                your weight today," said the nurse. Without a moment's hesitation,
                                my
                                aunt replied, "One hour and 45 minutes!"

                                Stan Kegel

                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                Newlywed Chips
                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                                Newlywed Poem

                                He didn't like the casserole,
                                And he didn't like my cake.
                                My biscuits were too hard. . .
                                Not like his mother used to make.

                                I didn't perk the coffee right,
                                He didn't like the stew,
                                I didn't mend his socks
                                The way his mother used to do.

                                I pondered for an answer
                                And was looking for a clue.
                                Then I turned around and smacked him. . .
                                Like his mother used to do!

                                ~author unknown

                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                Micro Force is the world's smallest fully waterproof and rechargeable
                                electric shaver.

                                The rechargeable battery last up to 10 times longer than a standard
                                battery shaver.
                                With the Micro Force shaver being smaller than a credit card,
                                it makes it the perfect shaver for traveling or every day use.

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                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                Riddle Chips
                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                RIDDLES

                                What do Eskimos use to hold together blocks of ice?
                                I-glue.

                                How should you greet a German barber?
                                "Herr Dresser."

                                What do you get when you cross a cow with a mule?
                                Milk with a real kick to it. (Lederer & Ertner)

                                Why did the man bring his dog to the railroad station?
                                To train him

                                Why did the hunter stop hunting grizzly bears with a club?
                                The membership fees got too high.

                                What is the longest word in the English language?
                                Smiles, because it's got a mile between the two 'S's


                                Stan Kegel

                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                Slim Clip is the amazing new double-sided money clip that holds up to
                                30 bills on one side and up to six credit cards on the other.

                                Slim Clip is engineered from durable stainless steel, so now matter
                                how much or what the abuse, you'll have a lifetime of use,
                                guaranteed.

                                It even comes with a lifetime replacement warranty.
                                If it ever breaks or bends, we'll send you a brand new one for Free,

                                no questions asked.

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                                http://buffaloschips.com/slim

                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                                LynnLynn's Links
                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



                                If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-
                                mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@...

                                *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
                                Subscribers and Friends

                                Melva/Majesty of the Sea
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                                A Plea From The Past
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                                Surfin Surfari

                                Dollar Tips
                                http://www.stretcher.com/menu/tips.htm

                                The 25 Most Commonly Misspelled Words Via Dianne
                                http://www.businesswriting.com/tests/commonmisspelled.html

                                Veggie Art
                                http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/veggie.html

                                (MLK) A Class Divided
                                http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/divided/etc/view.html


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                                Signing Internet Petitions Facts
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                                Graphics
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                                Animal World

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                                Buy A Dog
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                                Kitty Korner
                                http://kittens.sytes.org/

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                                Movie Chips


                                Love 2008
                                http://www.buffaloschips.com/gshsjjs.htm

                                Love Boat
                                http://www.buffaloschips.com/gshsjsdh.htm

                                Lucha
                                http://www.buffaloschips.com/gshkksj.htm

                                Luckiest Man On The Planet
                                http://www.buffaloschips.com/gshshjs.htm

                                Lucky 1
                                http://www.buffaloschips.com/gshsjs.htm


                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                                Dog Chips
                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                                Morty visits the veterinarian in Boca Raton and says, "My dog has a
                                problem."

                                The doctor replies, "So tell me about the dog's problem."

                                "First you should know, he's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he
                                can talk," says Morty.

                                "He can talk?" the doubtful doctor asks.

                                "Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: "Irving, Fetch!"

                                Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around
                                and demands, "So why are you talking to me like that? You order me
                                around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want
                                something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my
                                arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and
                                fat,
                                and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU
                                should
                                eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's
                                out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I
                                could
                                stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I
                                should
                                roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"

                                The Doctor is amazed. "This is remarkable! What could be the problem?"

                                Morty says, "Obviously, he has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch',
                                not
                                'Kvetch'."

                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                                Turbo Bag - Friendly Airport Travel Bag


                                Turbo Bag is an innovative, travel laptop bag. Fly through airport
                                checkpoints in a breeze while never removing your computer from the
                                bag. It's as easy as 1, 2, 3 - just unzip, unfold and pass through!
                                Don't wait, order today and receive a FREE TurboLapDesk!

                                View Web Version

                                http://buffaloschips.com/bag


                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                Toon Chips
                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                Passport
                                http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22218.htm
                                <a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22218.htm "> Here!</a>

                                Get Me Out
                                http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22217.htm
                                <a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22217.htm "> Here!</a>

                                Transparent
                                http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22216.htm
                                <a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22216.htm "> Here!</a>


                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                Turn anything into a flashlight and never be left in the dark again!

                                The world's thinnest flashlight that fits anywhere!

                                Perfect for cell phones (since you always carry it around)
                                But also great on Ipods, Cameras, Wallets, Closets and anywhere you
                                need light!

                                The catlite is the perfect flashlight, ready when you need it and
                                right at your fingertips

                                You'll wonder how you ever lived without your Catlite!

                                Not available in stores!

                                http://buffaloschips.com/light

                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                Divorce Chips
                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                Sadie was divorcing her husband Moshe. After two months of waiting,
                                her case was finally being heard in Court.

                                The judge asked Sadie, "So how old are you?"

                                "I'm 45 years old, your Honor."

                                The judge replied, "Please answer my question honestly. How old are
                                you?"

                                "I'm 45 years old, your Honor," answered Sadie again.

                                "Well," said the judge, "you're not being truthful. It's written down
                                here that you were born in August 1940 and that means you're almost
                                65."

                                "But your Honor," replied Sadie, "I'm not counting the last 20 years
                                with my husband."

                                "Why not?" asked the judge.

                                "You call that living?" replied Sadie.

                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                Keep Warm Air In & Winter Air Out

                                Twin Draft Guards? minimizes energy loss from doors and
                                windows saving you money on your energy bills.

                                Twin Draft Guards? work just as well on the interior doors of your
                                home
                                as they do outdoors, blocking drafts and keeping allergens, such as
                                dust,
                                pollen and even insects from traveling freely around your home. Twin
                                Draft
                                Guards are also helpful in blocking harmful fumes from the garage and
                                the
                                damp chill from the basement.

                                Additional Ordering Details:

                                http://buffaloschips.com/guards


                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                Parting Chips
                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                                Did you hear about the 83 year old
                                woman who talked

                                herself out of a speeding ticket

                                by telling the young officer

                                that she had to get there

                                before she forgot where she was going?

                                Ray


                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



                                The Warrior AK-47 Airsoft Rifle is an awesome toy for the holidays!
                                Your kids and loved ones will have hours of fun and competition. With
                                plastic BB's, its fun and safe to see who has the best shot! It comes
                                complete with scope, laser sight, adjustable bipod and detachable
                                sport stock. The laser sight makes this a sure fire winner! This toy
                                gun shoots fast and accurate at approximately 200 FPS. The Warrior AK-
                                47 Airsoft Spring Sniper Rifle is a full size rifle and even comes
                                with safety glasses and a starter pack of BBs.


                                Click here to hear more or buy now:

                                http://buffaloschips.com/ak-47



                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                Bonus Chip
                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised
                                when a state trooper pulled us over as we were
                                driving through Georgia. Hoping to get off with a
                                warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when he
                                walked up to the car.

                                "I have never been stopped like this before," she
                                said to the officer.

                                "What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked,

                                "shoot the tires out?"


                                Randy


                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                                Mole, Wart & Skin Tag Free In 3 Days

                                Do You Want To Have...

                                Freedom from the pain and irritation of your unsightly moles, warts
                                or skin tags?

                                No more endless days of fighting a losing battle with these problems?
                                To wake up and enjoy the rest of your day knowing your skin is clear
                                and pain-free, and STAYS that way?


                                http://buffalosjokes.com/mole

                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                                Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                Katie's Komfort Kolumn
                                Vol 1504

                                The Presidential Branch

                                Sandi: Burp! Are you guys ready to hear about the next
                                branch of government?

                                Rudy draws closer: Sure.

                                Katie leans in: I am all ears.

                                Sandi: The Presidential Branch is another part. It is very
                                complicated.

                                Rudy: I thought is was just one person.

                                Sandi: Not really.

                                Katie: They just had an election and voted for the president.

                                Sandi: It is more complex than that. Think about it. There is a
                                president
                                of Pizza Hut, a president of McDonalds, A president of KFC and a
                                president
                                of Walmart and a president of the USA and on and on.

                                Rudy leaning back...: Wow! I never thought about that...it makes my
                                head
                                hurt.

                                Katie: Which president is the most important?

                                Sandi: It depends. The presidents of the companies if they do bad,
                                can
                                make the president of the USA look worse.

                                Rudy: That doesn't make sense.

                                Sandi: It happens though.

                                Katie: I saw father's paper once and he was President of some Junior
                                Chamber of Commerce.

                                Sandi: See, Daddy is a member of the Presidential Branch. He was
                                also
                                an umpire so he was a member of the Judicial branch.

                                Rudy: Is that legal?

                                Sandi: Daddy can do anything because he is daddy.

                                Katie: What is the other branch Sandi?

                                Sandi: Yawn... after my nap.

                                To be continued...
                                The herd in Guthrie

                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

                                *********************************************

                                Remember 9/11/01



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