[buffalos-g-jokes] Chips For Wed
- Clean Clean
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
It seems we have a bumper crop of raccoons this year to deal
with and they are going after garbage cans and making a mess.
A letter from a local resident to another group sent me off on a
search for raccoon control methods. I delved into the net and found
dozens of suggestions on how to control the problem and it was
broken down into two categories, keeping the raccoon out of the
can or repelling it. We already employ some of the methods here
to keep the lids attached to the cans or we would be buying new
cans on a monthly basis. The same things like locking handles on the
lids, using bungee cords, and even heavy rocks and bricks will help
keep them out.
The second method, repellants is a little harder to do. I was told
coyote and fox urine would keep them away but I know that if I tied
a coyote to my front porch there would be complaints from the next
door neighbors every time there was a moon out and the coyote
starts howling, a lesson I found out when I chained owls to my porch
to scare away the rabbits from along the power canal. I though it was
cute how they said," Who" sixty or seventy times a night but the
through rocks at my porch, scared the owl and broke my porch light.
The foxes would have a similar problems. Get a fox or two around
and soon there will be Englishmen in red coats with hounds, on horses,
chasing the foxes and blowing trumpets. I would have animal control
the noise abatement officer on my lawn in a heartbeat writing
came across another suggestion to use pepper spray around the lids to
keep the animals away. This probably won't work if you have the
variety of raccoon as they like using the stuff as a dip for any
they find in your trash can.
Has anyone else had this problem and how do you get rid of your
and please only humane methods.
Enjoy the chips... buffalo
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There was an American who decided to take a trip to Japan for
He was walking around taking in the sites when he came upon a
dressed in clothing he'd never seen before. He approached this man
him why he wore such unusual clothing.
The Japanese guy replied "I'm #3 Samurai." The American said, "#3
what's that mean?" So the #3 Samurai asked the American, "Would you
demonstration?." The American stepped back to watch the
demonstration. The #3
Samurai opened a small pouch on his belt and out comes a fly. As the
fly took off
he drew his sword and made two swipes cutting the fly into half.
The American was simply amazed by this and asked if there was a #2
since he was #3. The #3 Samurai replied "Yes, would you like to meet
The American was curious now and agreed to meet the #2 Samurai.
The #3 Samurai takes him to see #2 Samurai and tells the Samurai the
wanted a demonstration. The American steps back to watch. He, too,
pouch on his belt. He opens it and out comes a fly, about that time
he draws his
sword and made two swipes cutting the fly in to 4 pieces.
The American is totally bewildered and blown away by such skill and
precision.... then he wonders if there is a #1 Samurai and what
could he do to make
him #1. So, he asks #2 Samurai if there is a #1 and could he give a
demonstration. The Samurai agrees and takes him to meet the #1
Samurai for a
demonstration. Just like the other Samurais he, too, has a pouch on
his belt. He opens
the pouch and releases a fly as the fly takes off #1 Samurai draws
and makes two swipes except this time the fly flew away.
The American walks up to the #1 Samurai and says, "You must be
having a bad
day because you missed."
The #1 Samurai said, "No miss, fly can no longer have family."
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A man once asked his Rabbi to Explain the meaning of "Talmudic
The Rabbi replied: "Well, it's not too easy to explain, but I think I
demonstrate it to you and you will get the point. I will ask you a
question and you give the answer. Are you ready?"
The man was ready, so the Rabbi continued: "Imagine that two men come
a chimney, one is dirty, the other clean. Which one takes a bath?" The
intrigued listener immediately replied: "That's easy, Rabbi. The dirty
takes the bath."
"Not so," said the Rabbi. "The Talmud would explain that when the men
out, the dirty one looked at the clean one and saw a clean face.
the clean one looked at the dirty one and saw a dirty face."
A knowing look, complete with broad smile, flashed onto the man's
Rabbi continued, "Now tell me which one takes the bath?" The answer
quick and sure. "Now I get it Rabbi, the clean one takes the bath!"
The Rabbi looked just a bit unhappy, but he answered patiently, "No.
see, the Talmud would go on to ask: 'How could two men come out of a
and one be clean and the other dirty?"
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So the woman calls the town psychiatrist and cries,
"Doctor, you've got to come as soon as possible. My husband
is in really bad shape!"
The shrink rushes over.
The worried wife say, "Thank God you are here, doctor. Just
go down the hall. He's in the last room on the right."
The shrink goes in the room and sees the woman's husband
sitting on the edge of the bathtub, dangling a fishline in
He goes back to the wife and says, "Yes, this is very
serious. But why didn't you call me sooner?"
"Who had time?" the wife asks. "I've been cleaning fish
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Soon, Wal-Mart customers will be able to sample a new discount item:
Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is
teaming up with Robert Mondavi Winery of California, to produce the
spirits at an affordable price, in the $2 - $5 range. Wine
may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their
shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine",
Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. She said: "The right name is
important." So, here we go:
The top 10 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. Grape Expectations
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When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper
posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for
himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.
I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."
A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."
Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."
Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."
When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me,
"Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please."
When I became a young man, I learned the sad fact was that I could
not please any of them.
A cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue,
brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing
voice, "two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds
of London for $750,000."
There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded
room. Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet,
nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So vat
did you do with the money?"
Sol Goldbaum, an elderly Jewish gentleman stood
before a delicatessen display counter and pointed
to a tray. "I'll have a pound of that roast beef,"
"That's not roast beef," the clerk said, "it's ham."
"Sonny," the customer snapped, "in case nobody
ever told you, you got a big mouth!"
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Top 10 Things a Teenage Daughter
Doesn't Want to Hear from Her Dad
10. "Let me explain what 'deductible' means on car insurance."
9. "Your mom's almost ready. Where are we going on our double date?"
8. "Seems to me last year's prom dress still has some life in it."
7. "I signed us up for the pairs karaoke contest this Friday night."
6. "We ate possum toes like popcorn when I was a kid."
5. "Let's get ice cream, my treat! Just let me grab my jar of coins."
4. "I am proud that you decided to keep the family unibrow."
3. "You don't need to go shopping after all. I picked out a purse for
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2. "I ran into Bobby at the grocery store. I told him that you're
really hoping he'll ask you to the dance."
1. "By the way, I had to borrow your deodorant yesterday."
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I WISH FOR YOU
The Anchor Holds
Marlene W/ Life's Railroad
Sandy w/A Beary Day
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Where have the wolves gone
I Need A Hug W/Garfield
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No Walk Today
As a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard
Navy ships, I am mindful of how important the off-ship e-mail
capabilities are to sailor morale, especially when some vessels are
deployed for up to six months. One day while shopping at the base
commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job.
I was behind a frazzled mother with two active children, and as I
watched, she stalked over to where her young son had perched himself
on the rail of the freezer case. "If you don't get off there right
now," she commanded,
"I'm going to e-mail your father!"
Sarah and Dick were having dinner with a couple they'd lost touch
with when they moved to another city many years ago.
Over the meal, the couples took turns catching up. "And soon after we
were married," Sarah began, "we were blessed with a marvelous, chubby
creature with cute bow legs and no teeth."
"Oh, you had a baby!" said the other husband.
"Nope," Dick broke in, "Sarah's mother came to live with us."
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Too funny! Crouching tiger, hidden dragon!
What Really Happened To Dorothy
End of The Earth
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Mike and Bill, are hanging out in the lone bar in a
one-horse town in northern Idaho, when a local
rancher walks in carrying a wolf pelt.
"Good work!" says the bartender. He pops the cash
register open, pulls out a wad of bills, and counts
them out into the rancher's outstretched hand.
After the rancher leaves, Mike asks the bartender,
"What was that all about?"
The barkeep says, "Haven't you boys heard? We got
us a real wolf problem in these parts, and the county
ain't done a thing about it. Why, just last week, a pack
of the damn varmints come onta my property and laid
waste t'my chicken coop. Ol' Man Miller down the road
even lost four of his cattle to the bloodthirsty beasts!
They're vicious, and they got no fear -- and they gotta
be stopped. So I'm offerin' a bounty -- a hundred dollars
to anybody who brings in a wolf pelt."
Mike and Bill look at each other, and immediately race
out of the bar to go hunt wolves.
After wandering around the hills for several hours, they
finally spot a lone wolf in the distance. Mike takes aim
with his rifle and shoots the wolf dead. The two fellas
sprint over to where the carcass lay, and Mike gets busy
with the pelt.
Suddenly, Bill says, "Hey, Mike, look."
"Not now," says Mike, "I'm busy."
Bill tugs on Mike's sleeve and says, "Mike, I think you
*really* ought to see this."
"Not now!" Mike says again. "Can't you see I've got a
hundred dollars in my hands?"
Bill's voice starts to waver. "Mike, please, just look!"
Mike stops what he's doing and looks up: The two
men are surrounded by a pack of wolves -- at least
fifty in all, every one of them growling, drooling,
gnashing their teeth, and licking their chops.
Mike takes in the sight and gasps: "Oh, wow! We're
really gonna be rich now!"
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As an assistant professor, I taught during the day and did research
at night. I would usually take a break around eight, however, to play
the strategy game Warcraft on line with a teammate.
One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master
strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed one opponent
after another, and after six games we were undefeated. Suddenly, my
fearless leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed.
"How old are you?" I typed.
"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"
Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Ten."
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A girl was planning a career in biology but was not looking forward
to taking chemistry.
The professor, though, made the course interesting with his many
small chemical explosions and crazy chemistry quizzes.
Once, he posed the question: "What in the world isn't chemistry?" and
offered a prize to the student who correctly answered.
A couple of weeks passed and finally, he announced in class that he
had a winner.
A student had gone to his office to ask if she could try her hand at
the question. "'What in the world isn't chemistry?'" she asked. "My
relationship with my last boyfriend...that wasn't chemistry." By
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Tami and Ginger
BJ: I will be glad when Ginger gets over her chewing stage.
Diana: Me to. Just look at the bannister. I will have to refinish
BJ: She will grow out of it. Where is the little stinker?
Diana: I let her outside.
Tami is doing her housework...:Da de dum de dum..
Tami: Hello... There is nobody here. Oh it is my newspaper...but it
all torn up!!! Shredded!
back inside she continues to clean...
Tami: Hello...nobody here...my mail...it is shredded...who is doing
I am angry now.
Back in the house...
Where did I leave my broom? I must have left it outside.
Tami goes out the front door and sees Ginger merrily running across
front yard with the broom in her mouth.
Tami: Come back here you little miscreant!
Meanwhile at BJ's house....
BJ: Hello Tami!
The Herd in Guthrie
Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean
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