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[buffalos-g-jokes] Chips For Wed

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  • William Brabant
    Missing Chips ... A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
    Message 1 of 76 , Dec 1, 1998
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    • William Brabant
      Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. It seems we have a bumper crop of raccoons this
      Message 76 of 76 , Aug 15, 2007
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        Clean Clean






        Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
        name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

        It seems we have a bumper crop of raccoons this year to deal
        with and they are going after garbage cans and making a mess.
        A letter from a local resident to another group sent me off on a
        search for raccoon control methods. I delved into the net and found
        dozens of suggestions on how to control the problem and it was
        broken down into two categories, keeping the raccoon out of the
        can or repelling it. We already employ some of the methods here
        to keep the lids attached to the cans or we would be buying new
        cans on a monthly basis. The same things like locking handles on the
        lids, using bungee cords, and even heavy rocks and bricks will help
        keep them out.

        The second method, repellants is a little harder to do. I was told
        that
        coyote and fox urine would keep them away but I know that if I tied
        a coyote to my front porch there would be complaints from the next
        door neighbors every time there was a moon out and the coyote
        starts howling, a lesson I found out when I chained owls to my porch
        to scare away the rabbits from along the power canal. I though it was
        cute how they said," Who" sixty or seventy times a night but the
        neighbors
        through rocks at my porch, scared the owl and broke my porch light.
        The foxes would have a similar problems. Get a fox or two around
        and soon there will be Englishmen in red coats with hounds, on horses,
        chasing the foxes and blowing trumpets. I would have animal control
        and
        the noise abatement officer on my lawn in a heartbeat writing
        tickets. I
        came across another suggestion to use pepper spray around the lids to
        keep the animals away. This probably won't work if you have the
        Mexican
        variety of raccoon as they like using the stuff as a dip for any
        leftover tacos
        they find in your trash can.

        Has anyone else had this problem and how do you get rid of your
        raccoons
        and please only humane methods.

        Enjoy the chips... buffalo

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        Samurai Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        There was an American who decided to take a trip to Japan for
        vacation.

        He was walking around taking in the sites when he came upon a
        Japanese man
        dressed in clothing he'd never seen before. He approached this man
        and asked
        him why he wore such unusual clothing.

        The Japanese guy replied "I'm #3 Samurai." The American said, "#3
        Samurai,
        what's that mean?" So the #3 Samurai asked the American, "Would you
        like
        demonstration?." The American stepped back to watch the
        demonstration. The #3
        Samurai opened a small pouch on his belt and out comes a fly. As the
        fly took off
        he drew his sword and made two swipes cutting the fly into half.

        The American was simply amazed by this and asked if there was a #2
        Samurai
        since he was #3. The #3 Samurai replied "Yes, would you like to meet
        him and
        see demonstration?"

        The American was curious now and agreed to meet the #2 Samurai.

        The #3 Samurai takes him to see #2 Samurai and tells the Samurai the
        Amerian
        wanted a demonstration. The American steps back to watch. He, too,
        has a
        pouch on his belt. He opens it and out comes a fly, about that time
        he draws his
        sword and made two swipes cutting the fly in to 4 pieces.

        The American is totally bewildered and blown away by such skill and
        precision.... then he wonders if there is a #1 Samurai and what
        could he do to make
        him #1. So, he asks #2 Samurai if there is a #1 and could he give a
        demonstration. The Samurai agrees and takes him to meet the #1
        Samurai for a
        demonstration. Just like the other Samurais he, too, has a pouch on
        his belt. He opens
        the pouch and releases a fly as the fly takes off #1 Samurai draws
        his sword
        and makes two swipes except this time the fly flew away.

        The American walks up to the #1 Samurai and says, "You must be
        having a bad
        day because you missed."

        The #1 Samurai said, "No miss, fly can no longer have family."

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Rabbi Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        A man once asked his Rabbi to Explain the meaning of "Talmudic
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        The Rabbi replied: "Well, it's not too easy to explain, but I think I
        can
        demonstrate it to you and you will get the point. I will ask you a
        simple
        question and you give the answer. Are you ready?"

        The man was ready, so the Rabbi continued: "Imagine that two men come
        out of
        a chimney, one is dirty, the other clean. Which one takes a bath?" The
        intrigued listener immediately replied: "That's easy, Rabbi. The dirty
        one
        takes the bath."

        "Not so," said the Rabbi. "The Talmud would explain that when the men
        came
        out, the dirty one looked at the clean one and saw a clean face.
        Meanwhile
        the clean one looked at the dirty one and saw a dirty face."

        A knowing look, complete with broad smile, flashed onto the man's
        face.
        The
        Rabbi continued, "Now tell me which one takes the bath?" The answer
        was
        quick and sure. "Now I get it Rabbi, the clean one takes the bath!"

        The Rabbi looked just a bit unhappy, but he answered patiently, "No.
        You
        see, the Talmud would go on to ask: 'How could two men come out of a
        chimney
        and one be clean and the other dirty?"



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        Psych Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        So the woman calls the town psychiatrist and cries,
        "Doctor, you've got to come as soon as possible. My husband
        is in really bad shape!"

        The shrink rushes over.

        The worried wife say, "Thank God you are here, doctor. Just
        go down the hall. He's in the last room on the right."

        The shrink goes in the room and sees the woman's husband
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        all week."

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Wine Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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        may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their
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        Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. She said: "The right name is
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        The top 10 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

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        9. White Trashfindel
        8. Big Red Gulp
        7. World Championship Riesling
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        4. Peanut Noir
        3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
        2. Grape Expectations

        And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine:

        1. Nasti Spumante

        The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with white meat
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        did you do with the money?"


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Short Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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        creature with cute bow legs and no teeth."

        "Oh, you had a baby!" said the other husband.

        "Nope," Dick broke in, "Sarah's mother came to live with us."


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Toon Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Wolf Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Mike and Bill, are hanging out in the lone bar in a
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        "Good work!" says the bartender. He pops the cash
        register open, pulls out a wad of bills, and counts
        them out into the rancher's outstretched hand.

        After the rancher leaves, Mike asks the bartender,
        "What was that all about?"

        The barkeep says, "Haven't you boys heard? We got
        us a real wolf problem in these parts, and the county
        ain't done a thing about it. Why, just last week, a pack
        of the damn varmints come onta my property and laid
        waste t'my chicken coop. Ol' Man Miller down the road
        even lost four of his cattle to the bloodthirsty beasts!
        They're vicious, and they got no fear -- and they gotta
        be stopped. So I'm offerin' a bounty -- a hundred dollars
        to anybody who brings in a wolf pelt."

        Mike and Bill look at each other, and immediately race
        out of the bar to go hunt wolves.

        After wandering around the hills for several hours, they
        finally spot a lone wolf in the distance. Mike takes aim
        with his rifle and shoots the wolf dead. The two fellas
        sprint over to where the carcass lay, and Mike gets busy
        with the pelt.

        Suddenly, Bill says, "Hey, Mike, look."

        "Not now," says Mike, "I'm busy."

        Bill tugs on Mike's sleeve and says, "Mike, I think you
        *really* ought to see this."

        "Not now!" Mike says again. "Can't you see I've got a
        hundred dollars in my hands?"

        Bill's voice starts to waver. "Mike, please, just look!"

        Mike stops what he's doing and looks up: The two
        men are surrounded by a pack of wolves -- at least
        fifty in all, every one of them growling, drooling,
        gnashing their teeth, and licking their chops.

        Mike takes in the sight and gasps: "Oh, wow! We're
        really gonna be rich now!"


        Randy

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Parting Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        As an assistant professor, I taught during the day and did research
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        "How old are you?" I typed.

        "Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"

        Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Ten."


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




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        Bonus Chip
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        A girl was planning a career in biology but was not looking forward
        to taking chemistry.

        The professor, though, made the course interesting with his many
        small chemical explosions and crazy chemistry quizzes.

        Once, he posed the question: "What in the world isn't chemistry?" and
        offered a prize to the student who correctly answered.

        A couple of weeks passed and finally, he announced in class that he
        had a winner.

        A student had gone to his office to ask if she could try her hand at
        the question. "'What in the world isn't chemistry?'" she asked. "My
        relationship with my last boyfriend...that wasn't chemistry." By
        default, she won.



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        Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Katie's Komfort Kolumn
        Vol 1057

        Tami and Ginger

        BJ: I will be glad when Ginger gets over her chewing stage.

        Diana: Me to. Just look at the bannister. I will have to refinish
        it.

        BJ: She will grow out of it. Where is the little stinker?

        Diana: I let her outside.

        Elsewhere...

        Tami is doing her housework...:Da de dum de dum..

        Ding Dong!

        Tami: Hello... There is nobody here. Oh it is my newspaper...but it
        is
        all torn up!!! Shredded!

        back inside she continues to clean...

        Ding Dong!

        Tami: Hello...nobody here...my mail...it is shredded...who is doing
        this?
        I am angry now.

        Back in the house...

        Where did I leave my broom? I must have left it outside.

        Tami goes out the front door and sees Ginger merrily running across
        the
        front yard with the broom in her mouth.

        Tami: Come back here you little miscreant!

        Meanwhile at BJ's house....

        Ding dong!

        BJ: Hello Tami!

        Ka-Pow!

        The Herd in Guthrie



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

        *********************************************

        Remember 9/11/01



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