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Chips For Tues

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  • William Brabant
    Our Friend Katherine writes: I just had to reply to the water fight story. I live In Minnesota so it s not always real warm in this particular area for water
    Message 1 of 76 , Aug 1, 2000
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      Our Friend Katherine writes:

      I just had to reply to the water fight story. I live In Minnesota so
      it's not
      always real warm in this particular area for water fights but we try
      to have one
      on the 4th of july every year. My mom absolutely forbid any of us to
      get any
      water in the house or the garage. Well one year I was in the basement
      filling up my gun because it was the safest place for me to fill up
      my gun away from my brothers and my cousin. Well sure enough in came
      my cousin and there is only one door way out of the basement and he
      was blocking it and holding me hostage unless my fiancee agreed to
      join his team and turn against me. Well knowing that he had to go
      home with me and that turining against me wasn't a good idea he went
      into the kitchen and fillled a picture of water and tossed it down
      the basement stairs right onto my cousins head soaking the whole back
      hallway. It was really funny I have never heard my mom yell so loud
      or see my cousin move so fast as he took off after my fiancee and
      dumped him into the kidee pool for revenge. Needless to say I hid in
      the saftey of the house for the rest of the day since they were all
      bigger then me and just waiting to gang up on me.

      Family water fights are always the best kind . Another favorite is
      family food fights at picnics, but that is another story in itself.
      Let's have some chips and remember keep the water away from those


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      Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
      Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
      Little Johnny: I is...
      Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say "I am."
      Little Johnny: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."


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      Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when
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      Flying Chips

      Larry Walters is among the relatively few who have actually turned
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      Larry was a truck driver, but his lifelong dream was to fly. When he
      graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of
      becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. So
      when he finally left the service, he had to satisfy himself with
      watching others fly the fighter jets that crisscrossed the skies over
      his backyard. As he sat there in his lawn chair, he dreamed about
      the magic of

      Then one day, Larry Walters got an idea. He went down to the local
      army-navy surplus store and bought a tank of helium and forty-five
      weather balloons. These were not your brightly colored party
      balloons, these were heave-duty spheres measuring more than four feet
      across when fully inflated.Back in his yard, Larry used straps
      to attach the balloons to his lawn chair, the kind you might have in
      your own back yard.

      He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the
      balloons with helium. Then he packed some sandwiches and drinks and
      loaded a BB gun, figuring he could pop a few of those balloons when
      it was time to return to earth.

      His preparations complete, Larry Walters sat in his chair and cut the
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      When Larry cut the cord, he didn't float lazily up; he shot up as if
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      feet! At that height, he could hardly risk deflating any of the
      balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really experience flying!
      So he stayed up there, sailing around for fourteen hours, totally at
      a loss as to how to get down.
      Eventually, Larry drifted into the approach corridor for Los Angeles
      International Airport. A Pan Am pilot radioed the tower about
      passing a guy in a lawn chair at eleven thousand feet with a gun in
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      LAX is right on the ocean, and you may know that at nightfall, the
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      the rescue team had a hard time getting to him, because the draft
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      As soon as Larry hit the ground, he was arrested. But as he was
      being led away in handcuffs, a television reported called out, "Mr.
      Walters, why'd you do it?" Larry stopped, eyed the man, then replied
      nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around."


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      Parting Chips


      A young man borrowed his friends snowmobile, in the dead of
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      around and even police cars and emergency vehicles were having
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      He entered the credit union with a hand gun and demanded $20,000
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      He did make his get-away with the cash in hand. However, the
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      Police were called moments after the robbery. The teller escorted
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      was arrested and charged with the armed robbery of the bank.

      His escape lasted just minutes! Another perfect crime that turned
      out not so perfect for this young man!

    • B.Brabant
      Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. With all of the back problems I have had over the
      Message 76 of 76 , Aug 6, 2002
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        Clean Clean

        Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
        name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

        With all of the back problems I have had over the past ten years,
        I was really glad when someone sent in a suggestion last year for
        Super Blue Stuff. I bought a tube of the roll on and it got me through last
        winter and the arthritis that has set in my back. Lynn Lynn
        has been marketing it and a generic form in the links over the past
        week but that's not what I wanted to talk about. It is the ingredients of
        the product specifically the Emu Oil. I was thinking about it a
        week ago and wondering where it came from. I had never seen an
        Emu before and had visions of some poor little bird like a baby
        penguin being fed through a wringer or even worse like a giant
        wine press. Pretty disturbing thoughts just to get rid of my back
        pain. So I did some research on the subject and found out that
        Emu's are the third largest bird in the world, weigh 150 pounds
        and can run at 30 mph. Now the last thing I would want to run
        into in the outback is a 150 pound bird moving 30 mph but to make
        matters worse they have an attitude like ostriches and don't like
        people. ( I saw that on the Jean commercial for Lee's on TV)
        They have red meat and taste like beef so no sandwiches but
        probably great on the barbecue. So now I don't feel so bad
        about using Emu Oil just as long as it is penguin and flamingo
        Enjoy the chips and have a great Tuesday... buffalo


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        After trying a new shampoo for the first time, Morris mailed
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        Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton
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        "Vell, vatta ya t'ink?" asked his smiling wife, Ruth.

        "I t'ink Next time," Morris replied. "I'm writing to General Motors."


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        Jewish Chips

        A Hebrew teacher stood in front of his
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        Consider that the Chinese, for example,
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        "Now, what does it mean to you?"

        After a moment of silence, a student
        raised his hand.

        "Yes, David," the teacher said, "what
        does it mean?"

        David replied,"It means that the Jews
        had to suffer without Chinese food for 1,067 years."



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        Innocent Chips

        A man drove his secretary home from a late
        afternoon get-together of coworkers because
        she was drunk and unable to drive.

        Since nothing happened along the way between the
        two, the man decided not to mention the secretary
        to his wife.

        Later that evening while the man was taking the
        wife to a movie, he noticed a high-heeled shoe
        under the passenger seat. So, he asked her to watch
        out her window for a parking spot close to the theater.

        While she was busy looking, he picked up the shoe
        and tossed it out of his window.

        When they arrived at the theater and were about
        ready to get out of the car, his wife asked,

        "Sweetie, have you seen my other shoe?


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        Racing Chips

        Another Senseless Street-Racing Death--

        Three Amish men have been charged with cruelty to an animal, taking part in
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        buggy and dead horse found in a ditch, The Buffalo News' online edition
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        crested a knoll where one of the buggies collided with a northbound buggy.
        A horse belonging to one of the alleged street racers was killed, and the
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        Fishing Chips

        A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher
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        Parting Chips

        Discovering too late that a watermelon fruit punch spiked with vodka
        had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local rabbis,
        the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.

        "Quick, man," he whispered to the head waiter, "what did they say?"

        "Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds
        into their pockets."



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        From The Buffalos Mail Box

        Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
        ( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors stood
        around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )

        Believe it or not, this has been the source of many discussions in our
        family circle. My son suggested I should make my choices now befoire I
        become (more ) incompetent). So, I asked my daughter-in-law:

        Dear Daughter in Law:

        So, what do you think my son will decide (and I do want your input on this)
        the ice flow vs - abandonment to wild animals?


        RE: 8/5 chips
        It was a difficult subject to bring before his aged mother,
        but John felt that he must.

        "Mom, you are no longer a spring chicken and you do need to
        think ahead of what will happen in the future. Why don't
        we make arrangements about when...


        I hear ya Buff.My truck engine decided that today would be a great day to
        crap out on me.I suspect it will need high $$$ repairs.Only 83,000 miles and
        never a previous problem.At least I have the Sportster,so I aint
        walking.Hang in there buddy.It'll get better.It has to.Scott/OKC



        Right now, as you read this, 17 Million Americans are
        having SEX!

        And you're on the computer!



        Hi Buffalo,
        Still enjoying your jokes and commentary.
        A friend sent this to me and it really made me stop and think, do we really
        want prayer in our schools?

        Dear John:
        As you know, we've been working real hard in our town to get prayer back in
        the schools. Finally, the school board approved a plan of teacher-led
        with the children participating at their own option. Children not wishing to
        participate were to be allowed to stand out in the hallway during the prayer
        time. We hoped someone would sue us so we could go all the way to the
        Court and get that old devil-inspired ruling reversed. Naturally, we were
        excited by the school board's action. As you know, our own little Billy
        so little, any more, though) is
        now in the second grade. Of course, Margaret and I explained to him no
        matter what the other kids did, he was going to stay in the classroom and
        After the first day of school, I asked him, "How did the prayer time go?"
        "Did many kids go out into the hallway?"
        "Excellent. How did you like your teacher's prayer?"
        "It was different, Dad. Real different from the way you pray."
        "Oh? Like how?"
        "She said, 'Hail, Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners...'"
        The next day I talked with the principal. I politely explained I wasn't
        prejudiced against Catholics but I would appreciate Billy being transferred
        to a non-Catholic teacher. The principal said it would be done right away.
        At supper that evening I asked Billy to say the blessings.
        He slipped out of his chair, sat cross-legged on the floor, closed his eyes,
        raised his hands palms up and began to hum.
        You'd better believe I was at the principal's office at eight o'clock the
        next morning. "Look," I said. "I don't really know much about these
        Transcendental Meditationists, but I would feel a lot more comfortable if
        could move Billy to a room where the teacher practices and older, more
        established religion." That afternoon I met Billy as soon as he walked in
        the door after school. "I don't think you're going to like Mrs. Nakasone's
        prayer, either, Dad."
        "Out with it."
        "She kept calling God 'O Great Buddha...'"
        The following morning I was waiting for the principal in the school parking
        lot. "Look, I don't want my son praying to the Eternal Spirit of whatever or
        to Buddha. I want him to have a teacher that prays in Jesus' name!"
        "What about Bertha Smith?"
        I could hardly wait to hear about Mrs. Smith's prayer. I was standing on the
        front steps of the school when the final bell rang. "Well?" I asked Billy
        we walked towards the car.
        "Okay what?"
        "Mrs. Smith asked God to bless us and ended her prayer in Jesus' name, Amen
        -- just like you."
        I breathed a sigh of relief. "Now we're getting some place."
        "She even taught us a verse of scripture about prayer," said Billy.
        I beamed. "Wonderful. What was the verse?"
        "Let's see..." he mused for a moment. " 'And behold, they began to pray; and
        they did pray unto Jesus, calling him their Lord and their God.'"
        We had reached the car. "Fantastic," I said, reaching for the door handle.
        Then I paused. I couldn't place the scripture. "Billy, did Mrs. Smith say
        what book that verse was from?"
        "Third Nephi, chapter 19, verse 18."
        "Third what?"
        "Nephi," he said, "it's in the Book of Mormon."
        The school board doesn't meet for a month. I've given Billy very definite
        instructions that at prayer time each day he's to go out into the hallway. I
        plan to be at that board meeting. If they don't do something about this
        situation, I'll sue. I'll take it all the way to the Supreme Court if I have
        to. I don't need the schools or anybody else teaching my son about religion.
        We can take care of that ourselves at home and at church, thank you very
        Your buddy, Juan


        Reading the chips and having my first cuppa and running across this link
        in mailbag certainly doesn't make a good start to ones day, you know
        this riles me up Buffalo.... hmmmm maybe i'll send you a batch of dead
        links hee hee but seriously so many Americans can't get a dime from the
        system and are starving, especially our senior citizens, who can't even
        afford to medicate themselves properly, this is a outrage and slap in
        the face, and we have no say so on this subject... The governerment
        should have a lottery for us so we could vote this stuff OUT....



        Buff, I don't understand why people insist that this be
        a Cristian country. It is not and NEVER was intended to
        be. This country was founded on freedom of religion. We
        have the right to worship who we wish, and not to have
        someone elses deitys shoved down our gullets. The pledge
        did not origanaly have the "under God" in it anyway.
        BTW here is what our founding fathers have to say on the
        "The government of the United States is in no sense
        founded on the Christian
        --President George Washington

        "I do not find in Christianity one redeeming feature."
        --President Thomas Jefferson

        "In matters of religion I have considered that its free
        exercise is placed
        by the Constitution independent of the powers of the
        General Government."
        --Thomas Jefferson in his Second Inaugural Address, 1805

        "A just government has no need for the clergy or the
        church. The fruits of
        Christianity are pride, and indolence in the clergy,
        ignorance and servility
        in the laity; and in both clergy and laity,
        superstition, bigotry and
        --James Madison

        "Indeed, when religious people quarrel about religion,
        or hungry people
        quarrel about victuals, it looks as if they had not much
        of either among
        --Benjamin Franklin

        "The bible is not my book, nor Christianity my religion."
        --President Abraham Lincoln

        "The hocus-pocus phantasy of a God, like another
        Cerberus, with one body and
        three heads, had its birth and growth in the blood of
        thousands and
        thousands of martyrs."
        --Thomas Jefferson

        "My earlier views of the unsoundness of the Christian
        scheme of salvation
        and the human origin of the scriptures, have become
        clearer and stronger
        with advancing years and I see no reason for thinking I
        shall ever change
        --Abraham Lincoln after Willie Lincoln's death

        "Ecclesiastical establishments tend to great ignorance
        and corruption, allof
        which facilitate the execution of mischievous projects."
        --James Madison

        "The Christian system of religion is an outrage on
        common sense."
        -- Thomas Paine

        "The United States is not a Christian nation any more
        than it is a Jewish or
        a Mohammedan nation."
        --Treaty of Tripoli (1797) drafted by Joel Barlow, U.S.
        Consul, and signed
        by John Adams

        "As I understand the Christian religion, it was, and is,
        a revelation. But
        how has it happened that millions of fables, tales,
        legends, have been
        blended with both Jewish and Christian revelation that
        have made them the
        most bloody religion that ever existed?"
        --John Adams

        "The question before the human race is, whether the God
        of nature shall
        govern the world by his own laws, or whether priests and
        kings shall rule it
        by fictitious miracles?"
        --John Adams

        "We should begin by setting conscience free. When all
        men of all religions
        shall enjoy equal liberty, property, and an equal chance
        for honors and
        power ...we may expect that improvements will be made in
        the human character
        and the state of society."
        --John Adams

        "Civil liberty can be established on no foundation of
        human reason which
        will not at the same time demonstrate the right to
        religious freedom ...The
        tendency of the spirit of the age is strong toward
        religious liberty."
        --John Quincy Adams

        "In regard to religion, mutual toleration in the
        different professions
        thereof is what all good and candid minds in all ages
        have ever practiced,
        and both by precept and example inculcated on
        mankind ..."
        --Samuel Adams in The Rights of the Colonists

        "I have seldom met an intelligent person whose views
        were not narrowed and
        distorted by religion."
        --James Buchanan

        "All religions united with government are more or less
        inimical to liberty.
        All, separated from government, are compatible with
        --Henry Clay

        "I am tolerant of all creeds. Yet if any sect suffered
        itself to be used for
        political objects I would meet it by political
        opposition. In my view church
        and state should be separate, not only in form, but
        fact. Religion and
        politics should not be mingled."
        --Millard Fillmore

        "[The Rev. Mr. Whitefield] used, indeed, sometimes to
        pray for my
        conversion, but never had the satisfaction of believing
        that his prayers
        were heard."
        --from Benjamin Franklin's autobiography

        "In 1850, I believe, the church property in the United
        States, which paid no
        tax, amounted to $87 million. In 1900, without a check,
        it is safe to say,
        this property will reach a sum exceeding $3 billion. I
        would suggest the
        taxation of all property equally."
        --Ulysses S. Grant

        "Leave the matter of religion to the family altar, the
        church and the
        private school supported entirely by private
        contributions. Keep the church
        and state forever separate."
        --Ulysses S. Grant

        "Are we to have a censor whose imprimatur shall say what
        books may be sold,
        and what we may buy? And who is thus to dogmatize
        religious opinions for our
        citizens? Whose foot is to be the measure to which ours
        are all to be cut or
        stretched? Is a priest to be our inquisitor, or shall a
        layman, simple as
        ourselves, set up his reason as the rule of what we are
        to read, and what we
        must believe?"
        --Thomas Jefferson, letter to Dufief, April 19, 1814

        "No man [should] be compelled to frequent or support any
        religious worship,
        place, or ministry whatsoever, nor [should he] be
        enforced, restrained,
        molested, or burthened in his body or goods, nor ...
        otherwise suffer on
        account of his religious opinions or belief... All men
        [should] be free to
        profess and by argument to maintain their opinions in
        matters of religion,
        and ... the same [should] in no wise diminish, enlarge,
        or affect their
        civil capacities."
        --Thomas Jefferson

        "Is uniformity attainable? Millions of innocent men,
        women, and children,
        since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt,
        tortured, fined,
        imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch towards
        uniformity. What has
        been the effect of coercion? To make one half the world
        fools and the other
        half hypocrites."
        --Thomas Jefferson

        "History, I believe, furnishes no example of a priest-
        ridden people
        maintaining a free civil government. This marks the
        lowest grade of
        ignorance of which their civil as well as religious
        leaders will always
        avail themselves for their own purposes."
        --Thomas Jefferson

        "The day will come when the mystical generation of
        Jesus, by the Supreme
        Being as his father, in the womb of a virgin, will be
        classed with the fable
        of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter."
        --Thomas Jefferson

        "Mr. Lincoln was not a Christian."
        --Mary Todd Lincoln

        "What influence, in fact, have ecclesiastical
        establishments had on society?
        In some instances they have been seen to erect a
        spiritual tyranny on the
        ruins of the civil authority; in many instances they
        have been seen
        upholding the thrones of political tyranny; in no
        instance have they been
        the guardians of the liberties of the people. Rulers who
        wish to subvert the
        public liberty may have found an established clergy
        convenient allies."
        --James Madison

        In no instance have ... the churches been guardians of
        the liberties of
        --James Madison

        "A just government, instituted to perpetuate liberty,
        does not need the
        --James Madison

        "That diabolical, hell-conceived principle of
        persecution rages among some,
        and to their eternal infamy the clergy can furnish their
        quota of imps for
        such a business."
        --James Madison

        "During almost fifteen centuries has the legal
        establishment of Christianity
        been on trial What has been its fruits? More or less, in
        all places, pride
        and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in
        the laity; in both,
        superstition, bigotry and persecution."
        --James Madison

        "All national institutions of churches appear to me no
        other than human
        inventions, set up to terrify and enslave mankind, and
        monopolize power and
        --Thomas Paine

        "There is scarcely any part of science, or anything in
        nature, which those
        imposters and blasphemers of science, called priests, as
        well Christians as
        Jews, have not, at some time or other, perverted, or
        sought to pervert to
        the purpose of superstition and falsehood."
        --Thomas Paine

        "Everything wonderful in appearance has been ascribed to
        angels, to devils,
        or to saints. Everything ancient has some legendary tale
        annexed to it. The
        common operations of nature have not escaped their
        practice of corrupting
        --Thomas Paine

        "No falsehood is so fatal as that which is made an
        article of faith."
        --Thomas Paine

        "The most detestable wickedness, the most horrid
        cruelties, and the greatest
        miseries that have afflicted the human race have had
        their origin in this
        thing called revelation, or revealed religion."
        --Thomas Paine

        "Yet this is trash that the Church imposes upon the
        world as the Word of
        God; this is the collection of lies and contradictions
        called the Holy
        Bible! this is the rubbish called Revealed Religion!"
        --Thomas Paine

        "It was under a solemn consciousness of the dangers from
        ambition, the bigotry of spiritual pride, and the
        intolerance of sects....
        that it was deemed advisable to exclude from the
        national government all
        power to act upon the subject."
        -- Justice Joseph Story

        Kinda puts a different perspective on things don't it

        James O. Rasch, Jr
        "I do not find in Christianity one
        redeeming feature."
        --President Thomas Jefferson




        Thank you for bringing back an old memory. For a couple of summers/falls in
        a small farm town in Minnesota in the late 50's, I worked on a local farm. I
        stayed at the farm with several of the family's sons. Up before dawn gassing
        up the tractors (some borrowed), milking the cows and feeding them.
        Breakfast at daylight. When we did silage, that was a 16 hour day.

        I still remember the huge lunch. Chicken & dumplings and fresh baked bread
        was always my favorite. Kitchen table seated 12. There were seldom any
        leftovers. Work all day. Us younger ones would have to stop and milk the
        cows in the evening. Work until 9:00, have a lighter meal, clean up, go to
        bed and start over. I know I couldn't do it again, but I do have the
        memories of doing it.

        Thank you,



        Dear Mr. Buffalo,

        My heart-felt sympathies for the loss of your beloved Miss Picky.

        We have a black lab/bad neighbor's dog mixed breed named Meli. When we got
        her home that 1st day (after begging the Daddy for 2 hours until HE cried)
        my daughter and I were calling her Honey. "Here Honey! Come Honey!" etc.

        The Daddy said we had to come up with another name as he did NOT want to be
        out in the yard calling,
        "Honey, come here!" and having me answer him with the usual affectionate
        reply, "What do you WANT? I'm busy Too!"

        So hence the name Meli, which is Honey in Hawaiian. She is a good dog and
        loves to swim underwater when we go to the beach. She is a funny dog who
        chases butterfly and other shadows (even if its only you motioning with your
        hand to demonstrate something in speech) while smiling the whole time. She
        loves to play even though puppy hood is 6 years past. She protects me and
        our home admirably.

        The sad part is that we will have no choice but to give her away to a friend
        by the end of this year as we are moving. It will be truly heartrending,
        which makes your story about your beloved kitty even more poignant for me.
        Thank you for all the enjoyment you provide on a daily basis.

        Lorrie K


        First and foremost a heartfelt thank you to all who have emailed me and
        cards to my mother. She was stunned by the response. I would guess about
        30 cards came when Mel was ill and when he died via the buffalo herd.
        I am touched and proud of the herd. Thanks again Bisons.

        I will write some neat stories that happened this past weekend soon. I have
        catch up on ...alas, work.

        I do feel a need to comment about the paying of $ for what our forefathers

        There were also quite a few bonded indentured servants, just like slaves in
        the US.
        The middle class and poor whites didnt have slaves so that leaves probably
        5 percent of the 1700-1860 americans who should qualify. I can not condone
        wrong by having the current generation of people paying for the legal but
        acts of the past.

        Thank God we are past those terrible days of slavery and ignorance. Let's
        keep it that way!

        B.J. Cassady


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