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Clean Chips For 3-5-12

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  • William Brabant
    Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Sorry I missed the usual reasons to party that I
    Message 1 of 1 , Mar 4, 2012
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      Clean Clean

      Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
      name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

      Sorry I missed the usual reasons to party that I normally start out the
      month with but the cosmos has been aligned against me for the past
      year. To begin with the time in bed has messed with my muscles
      big time. Just going out to run a few errands leaves me hunched over
      and feeling like I had just worked a double shift at the flywheel
      factory. Buffy pressured me into asking my doctor for help knowing
      I couldn't do this myself, so Tuesday I begin rehab for chronic back
      pain at the same place where Eva has her speech therapy so maybe we
      can get on the same schedule.My plans are after therapy to start
      working out at the gym which is connected with our hospital.

      On another matter, I have been talking to my nephew about another
      website as the old one is now owned by some company in England.
      That is no problem as we had been discussing a total makeover to attract
      some new advertisers anyhow,

      Some out there worry if they don't hear from me that I am mad. If you
      are
      receiving a mail today I am not mad at you. If you don't receive
      anaything
      it may be because your address is bouncing or because you finally made
      me
      mad and I deleted you.

      If you sent me an email and it is not in the scuttlebutt, it is because
      I screwed
      up and blew up another Outlook Express Inbox. Time flies when you are
      having fun and it got up to 2 gig before it self destructed and had to
      be deleted
      as it was too big to move and rename/ reopen. I am sorry, please resend
      and I
      will get it in the chips, links or scuttlebutt as necessary.

      Still no spellchecker as I haven't found the Office disk yet. please
      excuse any typos
      and the malfunctioning spacebar that flew off the last time the keyboard
      hit the floor.

      Last but not least there is still a lot of days of March left so here is
      a reason to party
      and if you live in the Midwest or Branson and dodged all those winter
      tornadoes
      I would say you have a reason to party till April.

      Enjoy the chips... buffalo


      March is such a boring month and up till the time I received this it
      looked like St. Patrick"s Day was the only day to go out and party.
      Now you have 31 reasons to go out and make a fool of yourself,
      like I need a reason.


      Bizarre Holidays In March

      March 1 is National Pig Day and Peanut Butter Lover's Day

      March 2 is Old Stuff Day

      March 3 is I Want You To Be Happy Day, Peach Blossom Day and National
      Anthem Day

      March 4 is Holy Experiment Day

      March 5 is Multiple Personalities Day

      March 6 is National Frozen Food Day

      March 7 is National Crown Roast Of Pork Day

      March 8 is Be Nasty Day

      March 9 is Panic Day

      March 10 is Festival Of Life In The Cracks Day

      March 11 is Johnny Appleseed Day and Worship of Tools Day

      March 12 is Alfred Hitchcock Day

      March 13 is Jewel Day

      March 14 is National potato Chip Day

      March 15 is Buzzard's Day and Everything You Think Is Wrong Day

      March 16 is Everything You Do Is Right Day

      March 17 is Submarine Day

      March 18 is Supreme Sacrifice Day

      March 19 is poultry Day

      March 20 is Proposal Day and Festival Of Extraterrestrial Abductions Day

      March 21 is Fragrance Day

      March 22 is National Goof-off Day

      March 23 is National Organize Your Home Office Day and National Chip and
      Dip Day

      March 24 is National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day

      March 25 is Pecan Day and Waffle Day

      March 26 is Make Up Your Own Holiday Day and Spinach Festival Day

      March 27 is National "Joe" Day

      March 28 is Something On A Stick Day

      March 29 is Festival Of Smoke and Mirrors Day

      March 30 is I Am In Control Day

      March 31 is Bunsen Burner Day and National Clams On The Half Shell Day





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      Golf Chips
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      Subject: The Occupy Golf Movement
      WE NEED TO BE HEARD!!!

      I am a member of golf's lower 99%.

      I am an indifferent golfer, and there's no way I could ever make it to
      the professional level. Never put in the practice time to be the best.
      Never had the shots, skills, or mental toughness to "make it" in the
      sport. I just never felt like working all that hard at it.

      However, I feel I should be paid by the top 1% of golfers for what I do.
      It isn't fair that those players who have worked harder, have studied
      the game, have better equipment and are more skilled and dedicated
      should make all that BIG money.

      Where's my share? I'm a Victim!

      The top 1% should pay for my club memberships and green fees and
      lessons, buy me new clubs, balls, clothes and shoes, and pay me some of
      their winnings. They can afford it. They are "The Rich ." The whole
      system should be changed to accommodate people like me. Let's occupy a
      golf course and demand that those who are better at what they do pay for
      us who generally suck. Whining should get us something, like the cover
      of Time Magazine and public sympathy! Maybe a law or 2 from legislators
      who want our votes.

      p.s. Don't mention this to tennis players. We thought of it first.

      Allen


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      Clown Chips
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      A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all
      out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party
      started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the
      bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will
      help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the
      rear of the house. The guests arrived, and all was going well with the
      children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a
      half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in
      traffic, and would probably not make the party at all. The woman was
      very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children
      herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums
      doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from
      tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air. She spoke
      to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely
      marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend
      would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party?
      I would pay him $50!" The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask
      him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"





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      Attire Chips
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      One Sunday morning an old biker entered
      a church just before services were to begin.

      Although the old man and his clothes were
      spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt
      and boots that were very worn and ragged.
      In his hand he carried a worn out old leather
      jacket and an equally worn out bible.

      The church he entered was in a very upscale
      and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest
      and most beautiful church the old biker had ever
      seen.

      The people of the congregation were all dressed
      with expensive clothes and accessories. As the
      biker took a seat, the others moved away from him.
      No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him.
      They were all appalled at his appearance and
      did not attempt to hide it.

      The preacher gave a long sermon about Hellfire and
      brimstone and a stern lecture on how much money
      the church needed to do God's work. As the old biker
      was leaving the church, the preacher approached
      him and asked the biker to do him a favor. "Before
      you come back in here again, have a talk with God
      and ask him what He thinks would be appropriate
      attire for worship."

      The old biker assured the preacher he would.

      The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services
      wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and
      leather jacket.

      Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.

      The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought
      I asked you to speak to God before you came back t
      o our church."

      "I did," replied the old biker. "

      "If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper
      attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.

      "Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what
      I should wear. He says He's never been here before."




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      Spy Chips
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      Wolff Kissinger was a spy. He was the bane of the Nazis during the war,
      for although they sought him everywhere, they were never able to lay a
      hand, bullet or poisoned dart on him. The reason was that Wolff was a
      master of disguise.

      Once he was an old flower woman, calling out her posies in a quavery
      voice. Then her bouquet exploded with a deadly cloud and Kissinger's
      opposite number lay still in the street.

      Wolff and his disguises ran the gamut from Oriental merchant to English
      squire to Portuguese sailor to African tribesman. There was no role he
      could not play to perfection. His makeup was wondrous and his flair for
      dialect gifted.

      Meanwhile, back at Berlin HQ, the top brass of German Intelligence met
      to see if they could set an unbeatable trap for the Allies' most
      valuable undercover agent. Despite their brilliance they had no idea at
      all what guise their quarry would affect next. What was the point when
      he might just as easily be a Rommel aide or Mussolini's second in
      command.

      Sighed one of the Nazi leaders as the vexing problem was pondered, "I
      wonder who's Kissinger now?"




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      Psych Chips
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      Mrs. Jones, deeply troubled, was consulting a psychiatrist.

      "My husband," she said, "is convinced he's a chicken. He goes around
      squawking constantly and sleeps on a large bar of wood he has fixed up
      as a perch."

      "I see," said the psychiatrist thoughtfully. "And how long has your
      husband been suffering from this fixation?"

      "For nearly two years now."

      The psychiatrist frowned slightly and said, "But why have you waited
      till now to seek help?"

      Mrs. Jones blushed and said, "Oh, well - it was so nice having a steady
      supply of eggs."



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      Riddle Chips
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      Q. Why isn't your nose 12 inches long?

      A. Because then it would be a foot.


      Q. How do fish travel to work?

      A. In a carp pool.


      Q. Why didn't the frog sit on the toad stool?

      A. There wasn't mushroom.


      Q. How do you cut a wave?

      A. With a sea saw.


      Q. Why did Sally put sugar in her pillow?

      A. So she would have sweet dreams.


      Q. Why are garden flowers so lazy?

      A. Because they are always in beds.


      Q. How do you find your way around a dark castle?

      A. Use a knight light.


      Q. Who has the right of way when 4 vehicles approach a 4-way stop sign
      at the same time?

      A. The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying,
      'Guns don't kill people, I do.'


      Q. Where did the tree trimmer apply for a loan?

      A. At the branch office.


      Q. Why are movie stars so cool?

      A. Because they have many fans.


      Q. What washes up on small beaches?

      A. Microwaves.


      Q. What is the difference betwee mass and weight?

      A. Mass is where Catholics go on Sundays. Weight is where sundaes go
      on Catholics.




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      Toon Chips
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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Accident Chips
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      Shmuel's Accident

      Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck.. Weeks later, in
      court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Shmuel.

      "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the
      lawyer. Shmuel responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I just put
      my
      dog Moishele, into the..."
      "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the
      question.
      Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" Shmuel
      said,
      "Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and vas driving down the
      road...."

      "The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
      the
      fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
      Patrolman
      on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident
      he
      is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to
      simply answer the question."

      By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shmuel's answer and
      said to
      the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his dog
      Moishele".
      Shmuel thanked the Judge and proceeded. Vell, like I vas saying, I just
      loaded Moishele, my lovely hundteleh (dog), into the car and vas driving
      him
      down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign
      and
      smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and
      Moishele vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't
      want
      to move. However, I heard Moishele moaning and groaning. I knew he vas
      in
      terrible shape just by his groans.

      Den a Highway Patrolman came along. He could hear Moishele moaning and
      groaning so he vent over to him. After he looked at him, and saw vat
      terrible condition Moishele was in, he took out his gun and shoots him
      between the eyes.

      Den the Patrolman comes across the road, gun still in hand, looks at me
      and
      says, "How you feeling?"

      "Nu, Judge, vat vould you say?



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      Parting Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Standing in line at the clothing store's counter, I watched as the woman
      ahead of me handed the clerk her credit card. The customer waited for a
      long time while the saleswoman went to verify the account.

      When she finally returned, the clerk said, "I'm sorry, but this card is
      in your husband's name, and we can't accept it because the records show
      he is deceased."

      With that, the woman turned to her spouse, who was standing next to her
      and asked, "Does this mean I don't have to fix lunch for you today?"


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      Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Katie's Komfort Kolumn

      Vol 2142



      Tami's Air-de-fare



      (another story)



      Tami was boarding her plane for OKC when she noticed the logo

      on the wing... KSR



      Tami: Nah couldn't be.



      Ticket please!



      Tami hands her ticket to the flight attendant: Here you go.



      Flight attendant: May I have a look at your photo ID please?



      Tami: Why?



      Flight attendant: Homeland security, terrorism and the like.



      Tami: Oh mumble and growl... Here.



      Flight Attendant: You look much younger and thinner in this picture.



      Tami: It was taken only a year ago!!!



      Flight Attendant: No need to be testy ma'am. Please go ahead and

      be seated and any further outbursts and I will notify the authorities.



      Tami: Ack! Hey you look like...you are Katie!



      Flight Attendant: I do work as a flight attendant part time...please be

      seated miss, next please.



      Tami: Growl. This will be an ugly trip.



      Rudy coming down the aisle....: Anybody here have any jumper cables?



      Tami: What?



      Rudy: We need to start the engines, and the battery is weak.



      Tami: You are telling me the engine will not start?



      Rudy: Do you need batteries for you hearing aid Miss Tami?



      Tami: I can hear perfectly fine.



      Rudy: We just need a jump to start the plane. Sandi is pretty good

      once the engine starts. She has an 89 percent success rate on flights.



      Tami: What about the other 11 percent of the time?



      Rudy: See my parachute?



      Tami: Yes.



      Rudy: It has worked 100 percent of the time when needed.



      Tami: I think I will change planes.



      Rudy: Oh too late. Looks like Sandi got a jump from that nice man

      outside.



      Tami: That nice man is my husband. I think I will kill him when I get

      back.



      Rudy: If...



      Katie: Fasten you seatbelts please...oh nevermind.. we don't have any.



      Tami: What we don't have seatbelts.



      Katie: It saved you two dollars on the ticket.



      Rudy: Well I am off to assist Sandi.



      ROAR!!!



      Tami: What kind of plane is this?



      Katie: It is a very rare plane. It is a Heinkel HE-111. There

      was only three left in the world at the beginning of the year.



      Tami: Only three huh?



      Katie: Well we crashed the other two. This is the last one left.



      Tami: Mama.



      Katie: Actually this plane does very well in normal weather conditions.



      Tami: It is supposed to snow in OKC.



      Katie: Gulp! I had better switch to my minister outfit then.



      Later much later.



      Tami: How much longer until we arrive at OKC?



      Katie: We have been flying only 10 hours.



      Tami: I can drive to OKC in 10 hours.



      Katie: Well haste makes waste.



      Later...much later.



      Katie: The pilot said if you had seatbelts to fasten them we are

      approaching our landing strip.



      Tami: Wiley Post airport?



      Katie: No, our landing strip.



      Tami: Will Rogers airport?



      Katie: No, our landing strip, the Double Bar cattle ranch.



      Tami: Ack!



      Thud....bump!



      Katie: There the landing was not too bad was it?



      Tami: No, I guess not.



      Rudy: Captain Sandi would like to know if you want a taxi?



      Tami: That would be nice.



      Katie: KSR taxi at your service!



      The end




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      Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

      *********************************************

      Remember 9/11/01



      Regarding any problems unsubscribing from this mailing list

      In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:

      William Brabant
      711 Pine Street Apt.1
      Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783




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