Clean Chips For 2-14-12
- Clean Clean
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Today is Valentine's Day, which gives people a chance to spend
money on cards, candy, and flowers to show their undying love or
face the consequences. Even though I was raised Catholic I never
was really brought up to speed on these holiday's that are named
after Saints so I decided to do a little research.
It seems a little strange offhand that a saint should be involved
holiday that celebrating love and affection between intimate
companions. There is not a lot known about Valentine but Urban
Legend of the third century says that Emperor Claudius had
banned marriage because supposedly married men made poor
soldiers. Saint Valentine was performing marriages behind the
emperor's back and when he got caught was called up to face
the emperor who offered to spare his life if he converted to
and Valentine instead asked the emperor to convert to Christianity.
Claudius was not amused and ordered him jailed awaiting execution.
There he met and fell in love with the daughter of the jailer and
supposedly performed some miracle on her. The first Valentine
was the love note to her on the day of his execution.
Another story connected to Valentine's Day is that prior to
for 800 years the Roman young men would draw the names of girls
from a jug and they would be their companions for the next year. The
proposed an end to the Pagan custom and instead that they should
draw the name of a saint and emulate that person for the next year.
It didn't go over real well, I mean if you were the average teenage
Roman romping with a Roman maiden would seem like a bit more
fun than emulating a Saint who was fed to the lions. The church
decided that it needed to create some new Saints for the young
to look up to. Some of these Saints were later removed because
there was too much Urban Legend in their histories for example,
Saint Christopher. When I first started driving I received a Saint
Christopher's Medal and was told as long as I wore it I would never
into an accident. A couple of years later I was told that I couldn't
wear it anymore because they found out the he had never been in
a car let alone had a driver's license back in the 3rd century.
Anyhow enough on religion, even if you forgot to buy a loved one a
gift today, It's not to late to tell them you love them and let them
Extra Value Meal when you go through the drive-thru.
buffalo says I stopped at Walgreen's the other night and sent Sandy
in to get Valentines for Eva's class. Since there is two teacher's I
asked Sandy to get a nice card for one teacher and to use the one
in the box for the other teacher. Sandy asked. Why not get two nice
for the teachers and I told her because the one is only there part time
and Eva hasn't kicked her yet.
Enjoy the chips... buffalo
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10. "I got my fingers stuck together with Super Glue."
9. "I had to return a lot of overdue library books....a lot."
8. "I've been dealing with a suspicious rash."
7. "I've been on the phone with the Jerry Springer people trying to
convince them that I really shouldn't be on the show."
6. "I changed the locks on my front door and couldn't get out of my
5. "My dog has been suffering from depression and I've been focused on
4. "My horoscope said it was a really bad month to spend money."
3. "I've had to spend a lot of time blocking and reporting suspicious
users on Twitter."
2. "Buying people gifts for Valentine's Day just seems like bribing them
to love you."
1. "Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
no mere maerial object could
sufficiently convey my feelings for you."
Eight months pregnant, with my hand on my aching back, I stood in line
at the post office for what seemed an eternity. "Honey," said a woman
behind me, "I had back pain during my pregnancy. I was bedridden for
four months because my baby was sitting on a nerve." Then the man in
front of me piped up, "You'd better get used to it now. Once those kids
get on your nerves, they can stay there till they're 18 or more."
A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was
likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the
property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is two hundred
dollars less than we agreed on," he said.
"I know," the owner said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred
dollars, and you never complained."
The contractor said, "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when
it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."
A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. He names the dog Einstein, and
trains Einstein to do a couple of tricks. He can't wait to show Einstein
off to his neighbor.
A few weeks later when the neighbor finally comes over, the guy calls
Einstein into the house, bragging about how smart he is. The dog quickly
comes running and stands, looking up at his master, tail wagging
excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with
anticipation. The guy points to the newspaper on the couch and commands,
Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch and sits, his tail wagging
furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears.
He starts to frown and puts on a sour face. Looking up at his master, he
whines, "You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy vey!
And you think it's easy eating that junk that you call designer dog
food? Forget it ... it's too salty and it gives me gas. It's disgusting
I tell you!"
The neighbor is absolutely amazed -- stunned. In astonishment, he says,
"I can't believe it. Einstein can speak. Your dog actually talks. You
asked him to fetch the newspaper and he is sitting on the sofa talking
"I know, I know," says the dog owner. "He's not yet fully trained. He
thought I said kvetch."
Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
No, but they had an apple.
What is a ram's favorite song on February 14th?
I only have eyes for ewe, dear
What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
Stick with me and we'll go places!
Why did the cannibal break up with his Valentine?
She didn't suit his taste!
What do you call two birds in love?
How To Know When You Are Ready For Parenthood
MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your
hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with
crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all
TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of LEGOs. (If LEGOs are not available,
you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend
spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the
bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and
take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in
sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a
small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with
water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging.
Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or
Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane.
Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to
12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz
and hum with the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm
for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have
ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 4:00 AM. Set
alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the
front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 mo. Now remove 10% of the
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on
the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest
food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be
directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read
it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture
them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience,
tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they
can improve as well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow
their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last
time you'll have all the answers.
One afternoon my wife April rushed out of the house, forgetting her
keys, and found herself locked out. There was nothing she could do but
wait for me to come home. She saw a neighbor who was outside raking
"You locked yourself out?" he asked.
"Yeah, this is the second time since we moved in. After the first time
we took an extra key and put it in a jar, then stuck it in a potted
plant on the deck.".
"So.... what's the problem?"
"I took the plants in for the winter."
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
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Subscribers and Friends
Rick w/ How Do I Love Thee (Valentines Day Page)
John w/ ~Love~ Happy Valentines Day
Kraft: Sweets for Valentines
Valentine's Day-History and Customs
I Want You
My Valentine for Sam
There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with
a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend,
"Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher
puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at
the door says, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is
The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect
me from robbers, too."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a
pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my
The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes
to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says,
"My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As
the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next
morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say,
"We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same
monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That
night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply,
"We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way
I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades
of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find
these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and
knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked
for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and
231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show
you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The
sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden
door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone
door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door
made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went
until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz,
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and
behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But, of course. . . . I can't tell you what it is
you're not a monk!!
A father is in church with three of his young children, including his
five year old daughter.
As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children
could properly witness the service.
During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism
of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this,
observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the
With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father
and asked with all the innocence of a five year old. . .
"Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
(Note I am sharing some special stories that were written for
Tami, my editor and Susan a co-worker. Enjoy)
Tami is helped into Katherine's Van by Sandi who says
Sandi: We will drive you home. It is for your own good.
Tami: Esh okay wiff me.
Inside the van...
Rudy: Here drink this cup of special expresso I made for you.
Tami takes a drink, her eyes bug out, her heart starts to race.
Tami: What is this?
Rudy: Oh it is a triple expresso, with extra caffeine.
Tami: Can someone check my heart rate?
Katie: Sure I can....Hmmm, it is only 150 a minute...it will slow down
in a bit. I image your buzz is gone by now.
Tami is vibrating...: Yes, I fell fine, in fact I think I could outrun
We should be at my home by know.
Sandi: We are not going to your home.
Tami: Ack! I am being kidnaped.
Tami: Whatever...okay what is the plan.
Sandi: Katie has invented this unique machine...we have not tested it
before and thought you might like to test it. You type in where you
would like to go...anywhere in the universe and this van will take us
Tami: Wow.... Okay.
Tami types on the console...I would like to go to a world where there
are fairies....she presses enter and bells ring and lights flash and
A few minutes later they land...
Rudy: Let's see the place and check out the fairies.
Tami: I want to be the first out.
Sandi: Go Tami, you go girl.
Tami steps out of the van onto a beautiful land...butterflies abound,
flowers everywhere, a small stream with deer drinking from it is not
too far away.
Tami: This is just how I would imagine it.
From the woods comes a guy wearing a dress: Oh you hoo, did you
bring any men?
Rudy: No, who are you?
Woodsman: I am the queen of the woods.
Sandi: Oh a wood fairy for sure.
Katie: Well the machine did bring us to a fairy....
Tami: Back to the van!
Woodsman: Oh you sweet white dog, come back and let me hug you.
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