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Clean Chips For 8-1-11

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  • William Brabant
    Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. The start of another month, Let s look at who we
    Message 1 of 1 , Aug 1, 2011
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      Clean Clean




      Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
      name is Buffalo and I have the watch.


      The start of another month, Let's look at who we know that
      is having a birthday this month.


      1. Jerry Garcia, Herman Melville
      2. Jimmy Connors, Peter O'Toole, Patricia Barfield
      3. Martin Sheen, Martha Stewart
      4. Roger Clemens, Louis Armstrong, Ken Dryden, Jeff Gordon
      5. Neil Armstrong, Loni Anderson, Smurf In Calgary
      6. Lucille Ball, David Robinson, Andy Warhol
      7. David Duchovny, Mata Hari, Heidi B.
      8. Dustin Hoffman, Esther Williams, Dick Anderson
      9. Deion Sanders, Whitney Houston, Brett Hull, Mary Alice Marr
      10. Rosanna Arquette, Herbert Hoover, Jim Lynch
      11. Hulk Hogan, Mike Douglas
      12. Pete Sampras, Mark Knopfler
      13. Annie Oakley, Ben Hogan, Alfred Hitchcock
      14. Magic Johnson, Lynn Cheney, Halle Berry
      15. Napolean Bonaparte, Debra Messing,Alberta Sabitini
      16. Madonna, Kathie Lee Gifford, Frank Gifford
      17. Sean Penn, Jim Courier, Robert DeNiro
      18. Robert Redford, Christian Slater, Patrick Swayze
      19. Bill Clinton, Gene Roddenberry, Orville Wright
      20. Connie Chung, Robert Plant, Guy Lafleur
      21. Wilt Chamberlain, Kenny Rogers, John Wetteland
      22. Norman Schwarzkopf, Carl Yastrzemski
      23. Kobe Bryant, Gene Kelly, Barbara Eden
      24. Cal Ripken Jr., Reggie Miller, Marleen Eastin, Jo From Az.
      25. Regis Philbin, Sean Connery, Connie From Ky, Peggy Kemp
      26. Macaulay Culkin, Gerradine Ferraro
      27. Lyndon Johnson, Mother Teresa, Barbara Bach, Bonnie Prescott
      28. Scott Hamilton, Jason Priestley, Daniel Stern
      29. Michael Jackson, Elliot Gould
      30. Jean Claude Killy, Cameron Diaz
      31. Hideo Nomo, Richard Gere, Edward Moses

      buffalo says I was working on something and needed a hand so I told
      Eva to go get Grandma. Eva told me, " No, Grandma doesn't like you."
      Guess I better get one of those Medic Alert bracelets so if I ever fall
      and can't get up I can tell someone who cares heh heh.

      Enjoy the chips.... buffalo



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      Short Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      As my wife and I were sitting on the front porch, our oldest
      daughter, Amy, came out of the house looking discouraged. It seems
      all her classmates knew their life's calling, but she didn't have a
      clue as to her own. "I don't know where to go
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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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      Pig Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and
      during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary
      manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the
      pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move
      the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he
      would start again with another pig.

      The city man watched this activity for some time with great
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      the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!"

      The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"



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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Flying Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      *If Airlines Sold Paint*

      Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

      Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

      Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

      Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different
      prices up to $200 a gallon.

      Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

      Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

      Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

      Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

      Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

      Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

      Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

      Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks.
      But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that
      week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

      Customer: You've got to be kidding!

      Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

      Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

      Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell
      only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by
      the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any
      more $12 paint.

      Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

      Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a
      day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with
      your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase
      your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

      Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have
      enough.

      Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use
      it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you
      already have.

      Customer: WHAT?

      Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall
      and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the
      bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

      Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already
      paid you for it!

      Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used,
      every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

      Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I
      don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

      Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the
      $200 paint.

      Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter"
      signs?

      Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in
      half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second
      half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have
      labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty
      cans.

      Customer: Forget this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

      Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your
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      Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

      Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you
      started. A hallway is different.

      Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in
      one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

      Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on
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      Customer: You're insane!

      Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

      Stan Kegel



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      Tennis Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A college professor had the mysterious habit of removing a tennis
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      Gold Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Abe Spitzberg meets David Rosenbaum in the little back alley where
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      walking to the Synagogue.

      "Hallo David, I am so pleased to see you! It's my parents' Golden
      wedding anniversary next week and I would like you come to the
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      "That's nice, Abe. Thank you, yes, I will come."

      "Maybe you have some friends you can bring with you, yes? It's nice
      to have many people at a party!"

      "Yes...I can bring Sammy Cohen, and also Izzy Schwartz."

      "Good, good! Only don't forget to remind them to bring something
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      "Okay! I'll tell them."

      So David Rosenbaum brought a goldfish, Sammy Cohen brought a jar of
      Gold Blend coffee and Izzy Schwartz brought Nat Goldstein.




      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Short Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      The day I started my construction job, I was in the office filling
      out an employee form when I came to the section that asked:
      Single____, Married____, Divorced____. I marked Single.

      Glancing at the man next to me, who was also filling out his form, I
      noticed he hadn't marked any of the blanks.

      Instead he had written, 'Yes, in that order.'




      Retired professor Moriarty was brought before the country judge on
      charges.

      The judge said sternly, "This is not the first time you have been
      brought before this court on charges of being drunk and disorderly.
      Have you any reason why a stiff sentence should not be pronounced?"

      The old drunk stood up and looked at the judge. "Man's inhumanity
      to man makes countless thousands mourn."

      Then he turned and faced the courtroom. "I'm not as debased as Poe,
      as ungrateful as Keats, as intemperate as Burns, as timid as
      Tennyson, as vulgar as Shakespeare, as---"

      The judge interrupted, "Shut up! That'll be ninety days" And he
      slammed down the gavel. Then he said to the bailiff, "Take down
      that list of names and round them up, they're as bad as he is!"




      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Toon Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Haggar
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      He's Mine
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      Hein
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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Short Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Two rabbis, one Reformed and the other Orthodox, were discussing
      their respective congregations one day. The Reformed rabbi asked
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      congregation sit together, as they do in my temple?"

      The Orthodox rabbi, known for his sense of humor, replied, "If you
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      atall. But, you see, my sermons aren't that interesting and I just
      can't have them sleeping together"



      "Doctor, I think I'm losing my hearing."
      "What are the symptoms ?"
      "It's an FOX show about a little yellow family, but what has that
      got to do with my problem."




      My name, Leone, is a feminine spelling of Leon, which often causes
      confusion. When my car registration arrived marked "M" for male, I
      sent it back to the motor-vehicle bureau with this request: "I am an
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      The bureau promptly sent me another form. It read: "Please give the
      reason for this change."



      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Parting Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      "Woman's Poem"

      He didn't like the casserole
      And he didn't like my cake.
      He said my biscuits were too hard...
      Not like his mother used to make.

      I didn't perk the coffee right
      He didn't like the stew,
      I didn't mend his socks
      The way his mother used to do.

      I pondered for an answer,
      I was looking for a clue.
      Then I turned around and smacked him...
      Like his mother used to do.



      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Zoloft Paxil Depakote Effexor linked to serious side effects -
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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

      *********************************************

      Remember 9/11/01



      Regarding any problems unsubscribing from this mailing list

      In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:

      William Brabant
      711 Pine Street Apt.1
      Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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