Clean Chips For 8-1-11
- Clean Clean
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
The start of another month, Let's look at who we know that
is having a birthday this month.
1. Jerry Garcia, Herman Melville
2. Jimmy Connors, Peter O'Toole, Patricia Barfield
3. Martin Sheen, Martha Stewart
4. Roger Clemens, Louis Armstrong, Ken Dryden, Jeff Gordon
5. Neil Armstrong, Loni Anderson, Smurf In Calgary
6. Lucille Ball, David Robinson, Andy Warhol
7. David Duchovny, Mata Hari, Heidi B.
8. Dustin Hoffman, Esther Williams, Dick Anderson
9. Deion Sanders, Whitney Houston, Brett Hull, Mary Alice Marr
10. Rosanna Arquette, Herbert Hoover, Jim Lynch
11. Hulk Hogan, Mike Douglas
12. Pete Sampras, Mark Knopfler
13. Annie Oakley, Ben Hogan, Alfred Hitchcock
14. Magic Johnson, Lynn Cheney, Halle Berry
15. Napolean Bonaparte, Debra Messing,Alberta Sabitini
16. Madonna, Kathie Lee Gifford, Frank Gifford
17. Sean Penn, Jim Courier, Robert DeNiro
18. Robert Redford, Christian Slater, Patrick Swayze
19. Bill Clinton, Gene Roddenberry, Orville Wright
20. Connie Chung, Robert Plant, Guy Lafleur
21. Wilt Chamberlain, Kenny Rogers, John Wetteland
22. Norman Schwarzkopf, Carl Yastrzemski
23. Kobe Bryant, Gene Kelly, Barbara Eden
24. Cal Ripken Jr., Reggie Miller, Marleen Eastin, Jo From Az.
25. Regis Philbin, Sean Connery, Connie From Ky, Peggy Kemp
26. Macaulay Culkin, Gerradine Ferraro
27. Lyndon Johnson, Mother Teresa, Barbara Bach, Bonnie Prescott
28. Scott Hamilton, Jason Priestley, Daniel Stern
29. Michael Jackson, Elliot Gould
30. Jean Claude Killy, Cameron Diaz
31. Hideo Nomo, Richard Gere, Edward Moses
buffalo says I was working on something and needed a hand so I told
Eva to go get Grandma. Eva told me, " No, Grandma doesn't like you."
Guess I better get one of those Medic Alert bracelets so if I ever fall
and can't get up I can tell someone who cares heh heh.
Enjoy the chips.... buffalo
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As my wife and I were sitting on the front porch, our oldest
daughter, Amy, came out of the house looking discouraged. It seems
all her classmates knew their life's calling, but she didn't have a
clue as to her own. "I don't know where to go
to college," she moaned. "And even if I did, my grades probably
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Her mother and I were searching for the right words of reassurance
when Amy suddenly smiled. "Golly," she said, "I'm having a pre-life
At a little get-together for our anniversary, I was asked to give a
brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration....
"So tell us, just what is it you have learned from all those
wonderful years with your wife?"
"Well," I told them, "I've learned that marriage is the best teacher
of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness,
self-restraint, forgiveness and a great many other qualities you
wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and
during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary
manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the
pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move
the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he
would start again with another pig.
The city man watched this activity for some time with great
astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This
is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just
think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off
the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!"
The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"
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*If Airlines Sold Paint*
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different
prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks.
But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that
week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell
only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by
the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any
more $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a
day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with
your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase
your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use
it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall
and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the
bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already
paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used,
every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I
don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the
Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter"
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in
half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second
half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have
labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty
Customer: Forget this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your
bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone
else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and
stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if
you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you
started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in
one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on
your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.
Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.
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A college professor had the mysterious habit of removing a tennis
ball from his jacket pocket as he walked into the lecture hall each
morning. He would set it on the corner of the podium. After giving
the lecture for the day, he would once again pick up the tennis
ball, place it into his jacket pocket, and leave the room.
No one ever understood why he did this, until one day ...
A student fell asleep during the lecture. The professor didn't miss
a word of his lecture while he walked over to the podium, picked up
the tennis ball, and threw it, hitting the sleeping student squarely
on the top of the head.
The next day, the professor walked into the room, reached into his
jacket, removed a baseball ...
No one ever fell asleep in his class the rest of the semester!
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Abe Spitzberg meets David Rosenbaum in the little back alley where
they park their cars out of sight so that they can be seen to be
walking to the Synagogue.
"Hallo David, I am so pleased to see you! It's my parents' Golden
wedding anniversary next week and I would like you come to the
"That's nice, Abe. Thank you, yes, I will come."
"Maybe you have some friends you can bring with you, yes? It's nice
to have many people at a party!"
"Yes...I can bring Sammy Cohen, and also Izzy Schwartz."
"Good, good! Only don't forget to remind them to bring something
"Okay! I'll tell them."
So David Rosenbaum brought a goldfish, Sammy Cohen brought a jar of
Gold Blend coffee and Izzy Schwartz brought Nat Goldstein.
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Subscribers and Friends
Melva/Meadow of Music
John w/ I Am The Flag
World's Best Husband
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Reading Email Headers via Heather
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The day I started my construction job, I was in the office filling
out an employee form when I came to the section that asked:
Single____, Married____, Divorced____. I marked Single.
Glancing at the man next to me, who was also filling out his form, I
noticed he hadn't marked any of the blanks.
Instead he had written, 'Yes, in that order.'
Retired professor Moriarty was brought before the country judge on
The judge said sternly, "This is not the first time you have been
brought before this court on charges of being drunk and disorderly.
Have you any reason why a stiff sentence should not be pronounced?"
The old drunk stood up and looked at the judge. "Man's inhumanity
to man makes countless thousands mourn."
Then he turned and faced the courtroom. "I'm not as debased as Poe,
as ungrateful as Keats, as intemperate as Burns, as timid as
Tennyson, as vulgar as Shakespeare, as---"
The judge interrupted, "Shut up! That'll be ninety days" And he
slammed down the gavel. Then he said to the bailiff, "Take down
that list of names and round them up, they're as bad as he is!"
He Wants To Join Up
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Two rabbis, one Reformed and the other Orthodox, were discussing
their respective congregations one day. The Reformed rabbi asked
the Orthodox leader, "Why don't you let the men and women of your
congregation sit together, as they do in my temple?"
The Orthodox rabbi, known for his sense of humor, replied, "If you
want to know the truth, I don't really mind them sitting together
atall. But, you see, my sermons aren't that interesting and I just
can't have them sleeping together"
"Doctor, I think I'm losing my hearing."
"What are the symptoms ?"
"It's an FOX show about a little yellow family, but what has that
got to do with my problem."
My name, Leone, is a feminine spelling of Leon, which often causes
confusion. When my car registration arrived marked "M" for male, I
sent it back to the motor-vehicle bureau with this request: "I am an
'F.' Would you please make the correction?"
The bureau promptly sent me another form. It read: "Please give the
reason for this change."
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He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer,
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his mother used to do.
Zoloft Paxil Depakote Effexor linked to serious side effects -
Did you know that the use of many antidepressants during pregnancy has
been linked to serious injuries in children?
If you or a loved one have used this product and experienced adverse
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There is a limited time to file a complaint. Follow here:
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean
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