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Clean Chips For 5-1-11

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  • William Brabant
    Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Today is my dad s birthday and the fifth is
    Message 1 of 1 , May 1, 2011
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      Clean Clean

      Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
      name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

      Today is my dad's birthday and the fifth is Nancy's. I do take a
      moment or several to remembr the birthdays of my friends and
      family that have passed because it brings back good memories
      and keeps their memories fresh in my mind. On the other days
      I pull a holiday from the list and remember when I used to party
      like a big dog. Those that still partake, drink one for me while you
      are celebrating but make it the first one. I don't want to be blamed
      for hangovers and DUI's and it's always the last drinks that causes
      those unless you are ordering pitchers of mojo in which case leave
      me out heh heh .

      Bizarre Holidays in May
      May 1 is Mother Goose Day and Save The Rhino Day

      May 2 is Fire Day

      May 3 is Lumpy Rug Day

      May 4 is National Candied Orange Peel Day

      May 5 is National Hoagie Day, Cinqo de Mayo

      May 6 is Beverage Day

      May 7 is International Tuba Day, Paste Up Day, and National Roast Leg Of

      May 8 is No Socks Day and Have A Coke Day

      May 9 is Lost Sock Memorial Day

      May 10 is Clean Up Your Room Day

      May 11 is Eat What You Want Day and Twilight Zone Day

      May 12 is Limerick Day

      May 13 is Leprechaun Day

      May 14 is National Dance Like A Chicken Day

      May 15 is National Chocolate Chip Day

      May 16 is Wear Purple For Peace Day

      May 17 is Pack Rat Day

      May 18 is International Museum Day and Visit Your Relatives Day

      May 19 is Frog Jumping Jubilee Day

      May 20 is Eliza Doolittle Day

      May 21 is National Memo Day and National Waitresses/Waiters Day

      May 22 is Buy-A-Musical Instrument Day

      May 23 is Penny Day

      May 24 is National Escargot Day

      May 25 is National Tap Dance Day

      May 26 is Grey Day

      May 27 is Body Painting Arts Festival

      May 28 is National Hamburger Day

      May 29 is End Of The Middle Ages Day

      May 30 is My Bucket's Got A Hole In It Day

      May 31 is National Macaroon Day

      Enjoy the chips.... buffalo

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      Moses Chips

      Moses & The Lord

      "Excuse me, Sir."

      "Is that you again, Moses?"

      "I'm afraid it is, Sir."

      "What is it this time, Moses; more computer problems?"

      "How did you guess?"

      "I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember ?"

      "Oh, yes; I forgot."

      "Tell me what you want, Moses."

      "But you already know, Sir. Remember?"


      "Sorry, Sir."

      "Well, go ahead, Moses; spit it out."

      "Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those ten 'things' you sent
      me via e-mail?"

      "You mean the Ten Commandments, Moses?"

      "That's it. I was wondering if they are important."

      "What do you mean 'if they are important,' Moses? Of course, they
      are important. Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you."

      "Well, sorry, Sir, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them;
      but, of course, you would see right through that."

      "What do you mean you 'lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you
      didn't save them, Moses?"

      "No, Sir; I forgot."

      "You should always save, Moses."

      "Yes, I know. You told me that before. I was going to save them, but
      I forgot. I did forward them to some people before I lost them

      "And did you hear back from any of them?"

      "You already know I did. There was the one guy who said he never
      uses 'shalt not.' May he change the words a little bit?"

      "Yes, Moses, as long as he does not change the meaning."

      "And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh,
      and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting
      people pick one or two to try for a while?"

      "Moses, I will act as if I did not hear that."

      "I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy who said I was
      scamming him?"

      "I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses."

      "Oh, yes. I E-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that
      stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a

      "And what did he say?"

      "You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think
      he might have sent me one of those -- err -- plagues, and that's the
      reason I lost those ten 'things', do you?"

      "They are not plagues; they are called 'viruses,' Moses."

      "Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we go
      back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out
      and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them."

      "We will do it the new way, Moses; using computers!!"

      "I was afraid you would say that, Sir."

      "Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"

      "You told me to hold up this rat and point it toward the computer."

      "It's a mouse, Moses, not a rat. Mouse! Mouse!
      And did you do that?"

      "No, I decided to try calling technical support first. After all,
      who knows more about this stuff than you? And I really like your
      hours. By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"

      "No, Moses."

      "One other thing. Why did you not name them 'frogs' instead of
      'mice,' because did you not tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"

      "I did not name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog
      if you want to."

      "Oh, that explains it. I bet some woman told Adam to call it a
      mouse. After all, was it not a woman who named one of the computers

      "Say good night, Moses."

      "Wait a minute, Sir. I am pointing the mouse, and it seems to be
      working. Yes, a couple of the ten 'things' have come back."

      "Which ones are they, Moses?"

      "Let me see.
      'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and
      'Thou shalt not uncover Thy neighbor's wife.'"

      "Turn the computer off, Moses.
      I'm sending you another set of stone tablets."


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      Swimming Chips

      One day a boy came walking home from school. On
      the way home he saw a creek. He quickly jumped in,
      clothes and all. When he arrived home completely
      soaked his dad asked, "Son what happened?"

      "I jumped in that creek down the road."

      "Why did you do that?"

      "I dunno."

      His dad was very angry and said, "If you jump in
      that creek again, just because, I'm gonna tan that
      hide - just because! Is that clear?"

      "Yes dad." replies his son.

      The next day, the boy came home walking from school,
      and sure enough when he saw that creek, he jumped
      right on in.

      When he went home, his dad knew what had happened
      and asked, "Didn't I tell you not to jump in that
      creek again?"

      "Yes dad, but Satan told me to do it!"

      His dad, being somewhat religious, decided to give
      his son the benefit of the doubt and tells him -
      "Next time Satan tells you to do something like
      that, say 'Satan get thee behind me in the name
      of Jesus'."

      "Ok dad." replied the son.

      Well the next day after school, the boy was
      walking across the bridge, and well you know the
      rest. He came home again soaked.

      His dad said, "I thought I told you what to say
      when you came to that creek!"

      "I said what you told me dad, and when I did,
      Satan pushed me in!"


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      Doctoe's Chips

      An old fellow came into the hospital truly on
      death's door due to an infected gallbladder.
      The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant
      that his patients be up and walking in the hall the
      day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots
      forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the
      patient in the hall as ordered, and after the
      third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly
      each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep
      walking him.

      After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family
      came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely
      for what he had done for their father. The surgeon
      was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told
      them that it was really a simple operation and we
      had been lucky to get him in time. "But doctor,
      you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked
      in over a year!"


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      Short Chips

      Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible,
      instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud
      her savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, we are five
      dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand."

      "Good," my dad quickly replied. "Wash it again!"

      My husband and I went on a three-day cruise. Actually, it was more
      like a three-day meal. They tell you to bring just one outfit, but
      three different sizes: large, extra large, and blimp.

      After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to bring
      his wife a little gift. How about some perfume?" he asked the
      cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That's a
      bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for

      "That's still quite a bit," Tom groused. Growing annoyed, the clerk
      brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

      "What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something really

      So the clerk handed him a mirror.


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      Repair Chips

      When the icemaker in our new refrigerator broke, my husband dropped
      by the store to arrange for repairs. Because the sun was bright, my
      husband's eyes hadn't adjusted to the dim light inside in time to
      a woman sitting on the floor examining carpet samples.

      He stepped on her leg and she screamed, causing him to jump into a
      display of fireplace tools that went crashing in every direction.
      Unnerved, my husband stumbled over to the service desk, and as he
      went to rest his hands on the counter, he flipped over a bowl full
      marbles, scattering them everywhere.

      After taking a deep breath to calm himself, he announced to the
      wide-eyed woman working there, "My refrigerator doesn't work."

      "I don't doubt it," she replied.



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      Cat Chips

      "Dear Potential Investor"

      I know you are always looking for sound opportunities
      for investment.

      I don't know if you would be interested in this,
      but I thought I would mention it to you because
      it could be a real "sleeper" in making a lot of
      money with very little investment.

      A group of us are considering investing in a large
      cat ranch near Hermosille, Mexico. It is our
      purpose to start rather small, with about one
      million cats. Each cat averages about twelve
      kittens each year; skins can be sold for about
      20 cents for the white ones and up to 40 cents
      for the black. This will give us 12 million cat
      skins per year to sell at an average price of
      around 32 cents, making our revenues about $3
      million a year. This really averages out to $10
      thousand a day - excluding Sundays and holidays.

      A good Mexican cat man can skin about 50 cats
      per day at a wage of $3.15 a day. It will only take
      663 men to operate the ranch so the net profit
      would be over $8,200 per day.

      Now, the cats would be fed on rats exclusively.
      Rats multiply four times as fast as cats. We
      would start a rat ranch adjacent to our cat farm. If
      we start with a million rats, we will have four rats
      per cat each day. The rats will be fed on the
      carcasses of the cats that we skin. This will give
      each rat a quarter of a cat. You can see by this
      that this business is a clean operation -- self-
      supporting and really automatic throughout. The
      cats will eat the rats and the rats will eat the cats
      and we will get the skins.

      Let me know if you are interested; as you can
      imagine, I am rather particular who I want to get
      into this, and want the fewest investors possible.

      Eventually, it is my hope to cross the cats with
      snakes, for they will skin themselves twice a
      year! This would save the labor costs of skinning
      as well as give me two skins for one cat.

      May I hear from you at your earliest opportunity?


      The CatWoman


      Note I have GPS coordinates for Randy's house if any cat lovers want
      talk about this joke with him heh heh .


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      Bear Chips

      A guy was hiking in the woods one day when a bear chases him up a really
      tall tree. The bear started to climb the tree, so the guy climbed up
      higher. Then, to his surprise, the bear climbed down and went away!
      So the guy starts to climb down the tree. Suddenly, the bear returns,
      and this time he's brought another, smaller bear with him. The two bears
      climb up the tree, the smaller bear going higher than the first. But the
      guy climbed even higher still, so the bears still couldn't reach him.
      Eventually, the bears went away.
      Naturally quite relieved, the guy starts down the tree again. Back up he
      goes, however, as the two bears return. This time the guy knew he was in
      big trouble, though. Each bear was carrying a beaver!



      Parting Chips

      Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood.
      One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

      "We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know
      where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

      The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood
      somewhere." He flies out of the cave.

      When he returns, he is covered with blood.

      The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"

      The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into
      the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"

      "Yes," the other bat answers.

      "Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."




      Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady

      Katie's Komfort Kolumn
      Vol 1559

      Katie...a Memory (2003)

      Diana: I so glad you invited me over to watch a movie tonight.

      BJ: I am happy you came over. I hope Katie is on her best

      In the house they go...

      To find ... a mess... A twelve pack of paper towels have been ripped
      open and dispersed thoroughly through the house.

      Diana: I am so sorry BJ.

      BJ: Katie is just a dog. I am sure there is a lesson here.

      From Katie's point of view.........

      The Care and Feeding Of Humans
      By Katie Kassity

      Humans are so untrainable, we must do our best to train them.
      When they buy things, they do not put them away, so it is out duty
      to show them the error of their ways. It is tough love. I had to
      disperse a twelve pack of paper towels, a cheap lesson to be sure
      and it was no great act of malice on my part. I had to try and
      my human there is a place for everything and everything has it's
      I am sure he will thank me some day for this lesson.

      Opps, I have to run, I see where he left some food on the counter
      another no no.

      The herd in Guthrie


      Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean


      Remember 9/11/01

      Regarding any problems unsubscribing from this mailing list

      In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:

      William Brabant
      711 Pine Street Apt.1
      Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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