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[buffalos-g-jokes] Chips For Thurs

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  • William Brabant
    Please Visit Our Sponsor IT S A PET S PARADISE WITH 30% OFF PET TOYS & FREE DELIVERY! At Petopia.com it s the season of giving and with 30% off holiday,
    Message 1 of 82 , Dec 1, 1999
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      Please Visit Our Sponsor

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      AOL Users Click Here</a>

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~]

      Golf Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      There was a priest, a doctor and an engineer who went to play golf.
      Arriving at the first tee, they saw some men already on the course who
      were playing terribly. The three waited and waited for the people ahead
      of them to get out of range of their tee shot.   Finally, after a half
      hour, they called over the starter.
      "Hey bud, what's with those people? Our tee-time's come and gone, but
      let me tell you, those guys ahead of us can't play to save their lives,"
      said the engineer.
      The starter told them that they were volunteer firemen who had lost
      their sight while trying to put a fire out last year at the club house.
      So, they are allowed to play whenever they please for free. The priest
      said, "Oh Lord, I must remember to say a prayer for them during mass on
      Sunday."
      The doctor said, "I know an eye specialist I could talk to. Maybe
      something
      could be done. Who knows? They might get to see again." The engineer
      asked, "Why can't they play at night?"

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Military Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A soldier who lost his rifle was reprimanded by his captain and was told
      he would have to pay for it.
      "Sir," gulped the soldier. "Suppose I lost a tank. Surely I would not
      have to pay for that!" "Yes you would, too!" bellowed the captain. "Even
      if it took the rest of your life."
      "Well," said the soldier, "now I know why the captain goes down with his
      ship."

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Mom Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled
      up, cat put out, etc.
      The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in.
      They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the
      taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.
      The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to
      the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
      A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -"Sorry I took so
      long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to
      poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      ///\\\ Watch Out!!! ///\\\
      The Prankster has been by and he's got
      another good one to pull on your friends Ha ha.......Teehehe.. Say
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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Drum Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      An anthropologist was assigned to Borneo, where he found a guide with a
      canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make
      his collections. At noon on the second day of travel up the river they
      began to hear drums. "What are those drums?" asked the anthropologist,
      knowing he was in cannibal country.
      The guide turned to him and said "No worry. Drums OK, but very bad when
      they stop."They both went ghostly pale when the drums suddenly stopped.
      The guide crouched in the belly of the canoe and covered his ears. "Do
      as I do! Very important!""intoned the guide with great urgency. "Why?
      What does this mean?" asked the panicked anthropologist. "Drums stop!
      Next come guitar solo!"

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Seasick Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Tom had never been on a fishing boat before, and he was now thinking it
      was the stupidest thing he'd ever done in his life. Who would ever have
      believed that seasickness could be this awful? With every pitch and
      roll, Tom wondered how he was going to survive the remaining two hours
      of the trip.
      One of the deckhands came up to him and said, "Don't worry, young fella.
      Nobody ever died of seasickness."
      "You've just taken away my last hope for relief," Tom said.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      LynnLynn's Links
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Based on the positive response that we got from 120+ readers Lynn and I
      made several decisions . First we will continue the links in the current
      format . She has provided me with sufficient links to last till
      2002.. Second, I , Buffalo, am a jerk, So without further ado ...

      Winter Diary
      http://freespace.virgin.net/richard.harrowing/man/winter.html

      Christmas Love Notes
      http://www.angelfire.com/hi2/honeypenny/mc/christmas.html

      Reflections by Tee
      http://community-1.webtv.net/TEEHOWELL1/REFLECTIONSbyTee/

      Christmas By Mary
      http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Cabin/5487/holiday.html

      Site Fights Christmas Tree Farms
      http://www.thesitefights.com/sarina/trees/

      Black Dog's Christmas
      http://blackdog.net/holiday/christmas/index.htm


      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Word Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      The mother was having a hard time getting her son to go to school in the
      morning. "Nobody in school likes me," he complained. "The teachers don't
      like me, the kids don't like me, the superintendent wants to transfer
      me, the bus drivers hate me, the school board wants me to drop out, and
      the custodians have it in for me. I don't want to go to school."
      "But you have to go to school," countered his mother. "You are healthy,
      you have a lot to learn, you have something to offer others, you are a
      leader. And besides, you are 45 years old and you are the principal."

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Golf Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed
      from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need help." she said.
      The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help." A little while later
      he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the
      green.
      His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I'm may be dying
      and you're putting?"
      "Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he come
      and help."
      "The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???"
      "Hey! I told ya not to worry." he said, practice stroking his putt.
      "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      E-mail-Ezines-Newsletters ~~ No matter what you call them 
                          !THEY'RE FREE!
      Find jokes, riddles, recipes, quotes, trivia, crafts, etc.
      You look and choose, & we'll sign you up. It's all FREE!
      http://www.imaginationsunlimited.com/cgi-bin/tracker.cgi?tn=28
      <a href="http://www.imaginationsunlimited.com/cgi-bin/tracker.cgi?tn=28">AOL users Click Here</a>

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      ALO-ALO-ALO-ALO-ALO-ALO-ALO-ALO-ALO
        Please send our jokes out to your friends or use them any way you
      see fit   All of our jokes are collected from various sites on the net
      and are believed to be public domain .. If you hold copyright on any of
      these jokes please inform us so we may give you proper credit. We
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      mailto:LynnLynn@... for submission in the lists......
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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    • buffalosjokes2001
      My name is buffalo and I have the watch. I know it has been a long time since you heard me say that and I apologize but I have been on a quest to find my lost
      Message 82 of 82 , Jul 4 10:47 AM
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        My name is buffalo and I have the watch.

        I know it has been a long time since you heard me say that and I
        apologize but I have been on a quest to find my lost sense of humor
        and desire to be a part of society. it seemed though, for a long time,
        like every one that I loved and was close to was dying and when you
        start feeling like the Grim Reaper it is pretty depressing and I would
        put off the lists and even my personal mail until Outlook Express
        reached it bursting point and became a corrupt mess and then I
        would delete the Inbox and with it the responsibility to reply to
        my friends that wondered where I was. About 800 of you found me
        where I was hiding on Facebook playing Farmville and sending out
        daily cartoons and jokes and finally I started communicating again.

        Anyhow enough about me and let's talk about our country on its
        237th birthday. It seems like only yesterday we were having our
        200th birthday party on both coasts simultaneously on the
        Constitution (Old Ironsides) and the Constellation CV-64. There was
        fireworks and air shows but the biggest thrill was the stars. If you
        thought it looked like the cast of Pearl Harbor, the Longest Day,
        and other war films there was a good reason. These stars with words
        like Admiral, General, and Colonel after their names had been in the
        bombers dodging flak, the troops landing at Normandy, and ships
        fighting against the Kamikaze attacks in the Pacific. It is amazing they
        survived but even more amazing they risked the nightmares and
        traumas of PTSD to recreate their stories. Most of those heroes
        are gone now as time did what the enemy could not do and they
        have been replaced by animals that step on our flag as an expression
        of their music.

        On the bases in our country this year there are no star-studded
        shows, no fireworks, and no air shows. There is plenty of blame to go
        around for this in Congress but as a nation we can do something.
        Invite our soldiers, sailors, and airmen to the fireworks, parades,
        picnics, and concerts and give them a front row seat and say thanks.


        Be safe and a Happy 4th of July to everyone.

        buffalo

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Test Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



        With the 4th of July coming up, can you pass the test to become a US
        Citizen? Here is an excerpt from the test for citizenship---to test your
        citizenship worthiness. Good luck! The answers are listed at the end of
        the email .....




        1. What do the stripes on the flag mean?
        a) They represent the 13 original colonies
        b) They represent each of the people who signed the Declaration of
        Independence
        c) They represent the battles fought for United States independence


        2. How many changes or amendments are there to the Constitution?
        a) 23
        b) 19
        c) 27


        3. What are the three branches of our government?
        a) Legislative, executive, and judicial
        b) Legislative, parliamentary, judicial
        c) Executive, legislative, parliamentary


        4. What did the Emancipation Proclamation do?
        a) It ordered that Pilgrims be freed from British oppression
        b) It ordered that slaves in rebel territory be freed
        c) It allowed citizens of the United States to claim land


        5. Who becomes president of the United States if the president and the
        vice president should die?
        a) The secretary of state
        b) The attorney general
        c) The Speaker of the House of Representatives


        6. Which countries were our principal allies during World War II?
        a) United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Russia, Italy, France
        b) United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Italy, China, France
        c) United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Russia, China, France


        7. What is the 49th state of the Union (United States)?
        a) Alaska
        b) Hawaii
        c) New Mexico


        8. How many Supreme Court justices are there?
        a) 9
        b) 12
        c) 13


        9. What is the national anthem of the United States?
        a) "America the Beautiful"
        b) "This Land is Your Land"
        c) "The Star-Spangled Banner"


        10. In what year was the Constitution written?
        a) 1776
        b) 1771
        c) 1787


        11. What is the name of the ship that brought the Pilgrims to America?
        a) Constitution
        b) Mayflower

        c) Titanic

        ________________________________________________

        Answer Key: 1) a, 2) c, 3) a, 4) b, 5) c, 6) c, 7) a, 8) a, 9) c, 10) c,
        11) b

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        IRS Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Dear Sirs:

        I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for 2 of the 3
        dependents I claimed on my 2012 Federal Tax return.

        Thank you. I have questioned whether or not these are my children for
        years. They are evil & expensive. It's only fair that, since they are
        minors & no longer my responsibility, the government should know
        something about them & what to expect over the next year.

        Please do not try to reassign them back to me next year & reinstate
        the deductions. They are yours! The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is
        brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where
        she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no
        formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject
        you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to
        college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for
        that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has
        a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the choice of
        appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or
        getting up early to drive her to school.

        Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
        little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax
        examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February,
        I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was
        bringing Pat home. He & his friends were toilet papering houses. In the
        future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to
        Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is
        purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal
        with it. You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of
        school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. He & all of his
        friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone, & it
        will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave him
        or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables,
        inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (They find telephones a source of
        unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900 & 976
        numbers!)

        Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp & appeared as if by
        magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She
        came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads,
        sandals, & hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately, you will be
        raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading
        courses. "Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the school has dropped it.
        But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of
        the deduction that you are denying me! It's quite obvious that we were
        terrible parents, (ask the other two). She cannot speak English. Most
        people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of
        valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. She
        wears hats backwards, baggy pants, & wants one of her ears pierced 4
        more times.There is also a fascination with tatoos that worries me, but
        I'm sure you can handle that.

        You denied 2 of the 3 exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to
        pick which two you will take. I prefer you take the youngest two; I will
        still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am free! If you
        take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before
        Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won't feel
        so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy.

        Please let me know of your decision asap, as I have already increased
        the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional taxes & made a
        down payment on an airplane.

        Yours truly,
        Bob

        (Note: The IRS allowed the deductions & reinstated his refund.)


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Computer Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        IF THERE WERE COMPUTERS IN 1776
        Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen, the summer grows hot,
        and it is essential that we complete this
        declaration of independence.
        Mr. Franklin: Wait a minute, Thomas. I have to
        reboot here.
        Mr. Jefferson: That's all right, Ben. We'll go
        on without you. Has everyone had a chance to look
        at the draft I posted yesterday?
        Mr. Sherman: Not yet, Thomas, I've been having
        Notes replication problems.
        Mr. Adams: Here, Roger, I brought a hard copy.
        Mr. Sherman: Thanks. Saaaaay, nice font.
        Mr. Adams: Do you like it? I downloaded it off
        Colonies Online just last week.
        Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen! There is work to be
        done. I fear our document will soon leak out.
        Mr. Livingston: Too late, Thomas. There's
        already a bootleg circulating. I saw it posted on alt.georgeIII.stinks
        last night.
        Mr. Franklin: @#$$%^$# General Protection
        Fault!
        Mr. Adams: Ben, you might try upgrading to
        Windows 75. It solved that problem for me.
        Mr. Sherman: Thomas, the part here about the
        Acts of Pretended Legislation; have you
        considered using bullets to air out the text?
        Mr. Jefferson: I can fix that easily enough.
        Drat! I've spilled candle wax on my keyboard
        again.
        Mr. Adams: You know, Thomas, that wouldn't
        happen if you'd buy an active-matrix screen.
        Mr. Franklin: Hard-disk failure?!? Aw, criminy!
        Mr. Livingston: Are you sure it's "unalienable
        rights"? My spell checker recommends
        "unassailable".
        Mr. Jefferson: Can we stick to the substance
        of the document, please? Shoot. Low battery.
        Anyone got a spare power cable?
        Mr. Sherman: What have you got, a Toshiba? No,
        mine isn't compatible.
        Mr. Franklin: Hello, PCs Philadelphia? What
        does it mean when the floppy drive buzzes? OK,
        I'll hold.....
        Mr. Livingston: The "In Congress" part here at
        the top; have you thought about blowing that up
        really big and maybe centering it in 72 point
        Helvetica?
        Mr. Jefferson: Not a bad idea. Aw, nuts! Word
        macro virus! I can't save the file.
        Mr. Franklin: That's all right, Thomas. We can
        manage. Here, borrow my quill pen....
        Author Unknown


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Trouble Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        There were two young brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly
        mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they
        had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to
        control them.

        Hearing about a pastor nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the
        mother suggested to her husband that she would ask the pastor to talk
        with the boys and he agreed.

        The mother went to the pastor and made her request. He agreed, but said
        he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent the
        younger boy to the pastor.

        The pastor sat the boy down across his HUGE, impressive desk. For about
        five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the pastor
        pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Young man, where is God?"

        The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around,
        then said nothing. Again, louder, the pastor pointed at the boy and
        asked, "Where is God?"

        Again, the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a
        louder, firmer voice, the pastor leaned far across the desk and put his
        forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Young man, I ask you,
        where is God?"

        The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he
        dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they
        usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We're in
        Bi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-g trouble."

        The older boy asked, "What do you mean, 'BIG trouble?'"

        His brother replied, "I'm telling' ya', we're in BIG trouble. God is
        missing and they think we did it !!!"


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




        Please forgive our lack of a fancy template at the moment and
        enjoy these pages from our friends.


        Melva
        http://www.silverandgoldandthee.net/V/Sac.html


        Melva
        http://silverandgoldandthee.net/V/Lil.html

        Freedom Isn't Free!
        http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/freedom.html

        Who Is This Jesus?
        http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/jesus.html

        Proud Of Our Troops 5
        http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/troops5.html

        Liberty Air Show!
        http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/liberty.html

        DC Tea Party
        http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/teaparty.html

        No Words Needed
        http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/nowords.html

        Rich Vs Poor
        http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/richvspoor.html


        Happy Blessed 4th Of July!
        :) Shangy!


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Short Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        An airline stewardess was giving the standard safety briefing to the
        passengers. She had just finished saying 'In the event of a water
        landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device,' when a
        man remarked, "Hey! If the plane can't fly, why should I believe the
        seat can float?"



        There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered
        with bandages from head to toe. I said to him, "What do you do for a
        living?" He said, "I'm a former window washer." I asked, "When did you
        give it up?" He replied, "Halfway down."


        A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width. You
        are drunk when you feel sophisticated but you are not able to pronounce
        it. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
        vegetarian. A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave
        him a huge stack of old bills. Funny, I don't remember being absent
        minded.


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        E Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        A poor, downtrodden beggar stands on the corner of Wilshire and
        Sepulveda, not having much luck. Exasperated and hungry, he's scrawled
        the word "Beg" on a piece of cardboard. Hardly anyone pays any
        attention to him. A few passers-by drop him a couple of pennies.

        Suddenly, he gets an idea. He picks up his sign and adds ".com" to the
        word
        "Beg." Within a few minutes, two venture capitalists roar to a stop at
        the
        intersection, tripping over each other to be the first to offer him a
        quarter of a million dollars for his site.

        Pleased with his new-found wealth, the beggar decides to go one better.
        Flipping his cardboard sign over, he writes "e-Beg." Within fifteen
        minutes, Jerry Yang and Bill Gates pull up in limousines and ask to buy
        him out.




        Quote Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Quotes
        ---------------------------------
        "I think Little League (baseball) is wonderful. It keeps the kids out
        of the house." - Yogi Berra

        "Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling
        the walk before it stops snowing."
        - Phyllis Diller

        "The nearest thing to immortality is this world is a government bureau."
        - General Hugh S. Johnson

        "I do not rule Russia; ten thousands clerks do."
        - Nicholas I (1796-1855)

        "Guidelines for Bureaucrats: (1) When in charge ponder.
        (2) When in trouble delegate. (3) When in doubt mumble."
        - James H. Boren

        "The man who does not read good books has no advantage over
        the man who can't read them." - Mark Twain

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Parting Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        A poor, downtrodden beggar stands on the corner of Wilshire and
        Sepulveda, not having much luck. Exasperated and hungry, he's scrawled
        the word "Beg" on a piece of cardboard. Hardly anyone pays any
        attention to him. A few passers-by drop him a couple of pennies.

        Suddenly, he gets an idea. He picks up his sign and adds ".com" to the
        word
        "Beg." Within a few minutes, two venture capitalists roar to a stop at
        the
        intersection, tripping over each other to be the first to offer him a
        quarter of a million dollars for his site.

        Pleased with his new-found wealth, the beggar decides to go one better.
        Flipping his cardboard sign over, he writes "e-Beg." Within fifteen
        minutes, Jerry Yang and Bill Gates pull up in limousines and ask to buy
        him out.



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

        *********************************************

        Remember 9/11/01



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        In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:

        William Brabant
        711 Pine Street Apt.1
        Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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