Clean Chips For 12-01
- Clean Clean
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I want to first express my condolences to the families of the
four Tacoma Washington Police Officers that were killed
over the weekend. Tacoma was a nice place to live 35 years
ago when I was stationed in Bremerton but it seems to have
some problems now with a violet crime average twice the
national average. This person was someone who should
have had the key thrown away on him a long time ago but
with the bad economy states are forced to release dangerous
criminals before their sentence is up and way too many commit
even more serious crimes once they are out.
Here are some famous birthdays from this month:
1. Woody Allen, Bette Midler, Lee Trevino
2. Britney Spears, Tracy Austin, Monica Seles
3. Katarina Witt, Jean-Luc Goddard, Ozzy Osbourne
4. Jeff Bridges, Larry Katz, Barbara Jaretsky
5. Walt Disney, Little Richard
6. Steven Wright, Dwight Stones
7. Johnnie Bench, Larry Bird, Gregg Allman
8. Kim Bassinger, Teri Hatcher, Jim Morrison
9. Dick Butkus, Kirk Douglas, Donnie Osmond
10. Emily Dickinson, Susan Dey
11. Donna Mills, Fiorella La Guardia, Teri Garr
12. Frank Sinatra, Bob Barker
13. Dick Van Dyke, Christopher Plummer
14. Michael Ovitz, Nostradamus
15. Don Johnson, Mo Vaughn
16. Ludwig Von Beethoven, Boyd ellis, Richard Pimentel
17. William Safire, Arthur Fiedler
18. Keith Richards, Christina Aguilera, Steven Spielberg
19. Reggie White, Daryl Hannah
20. Anita Baker, Kiefer Sutherland, Betty Greer
21. Chris Evert, Florence Griffith Joyner, Jane Fonda
22. Steve Carlton, Steve Garvey, Bill Armstrong
23. Susan Lucci
24. Ricky Martin, Howard Hughes, John DuBose
25. Ricky Henderson, Annie Lennox, Jesus Christ
26. Alan King, Steve Allen, Jamie Legge
27. Gerard Depardieu, Sydney Greenstreet, Louis Pasteur
28. Ray Bourque, Woodrow Wilson, Denzel Washington
29. Mary Tyler Moore, Ted Danson
30. Sandy Koufax, Tiger Woods, BJ Cassady
31. Val Kilmer, Anthony Hopkins, Ben Kingsley
Enjoy the chips.... buffalo
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The Army Chimp
A man showed up at M & T Stadium in Baltimore with a chimpanzee in
tow. It was named Douglas, and was dressed up in a MacArthur costume
complete with the crushed cap, aviator sunglasses, and corncob pipe
and well worn, pressed khakis. Everyone remarked on how cute he was.
The man and his chimp took their seats in the Army rooting section.
It was well before kickoff in fact well before the march-ons by
both academies. After the march-ons the teams came onto the field to
do their warm-ups and exercises.
At that point the chimp leapt out onto the field and began returning
practice punts. He retrieved some errant passes thrown by the Army
quarterbacks. He ran over and picked up some mule poop. A busy
After the teams retired to their locker rooms to complete their pre-
game rituals, they again took the field. The chimp led the Army team
out with a series of cartwheels and back flips, never losing his cap
or corncob pipe while doing so.
He returned to his seat for the playing of the National Anthem.
Everyone in his section remarked on what a well-trained chimp he
was. Of course he saluted (and covered his ears when the Navy jets
performed their salute.
The game started. The chimp was in a near-delirious state as Army
drove down the filed. However he almost fainted when they missed a
field goal, wide right.
Army later kicked a field goal and the chimp went bananas.
Cartwheels, push-ups, handstands, name it; he did them all.
Unfortunately that was all the scoring Army could come up with. The
neighbors in the stands, very impressed, asked what the chimp did
when Army wins the game.
"I don't really know', the man said. "He's only six and a half years
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
table Soccer Skills
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What Your Computer Is Trying To Tell You:
It says: "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."
It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support
quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E"
It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 30 minutes,
only to be told that it's a hardware problem."
It says: "Installing program to C:\...."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into
c:\windows and c:\windows\system where
you'll NEVER find them."
It says: "Please insert disc 3"
It means: "Because I know there are only 2 discs."
It says: "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 2GB of RAM,
I want to use the bit below 640K."
It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."
It says: "Please Wait...."
It means: "... Indefinitely."
It says: "Directory does not exist...."
It means: ".... any more. Whoops."
It says: "The application caused an error.
Choose Ignore or Close."
It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're
still not getting your work back.
Kiss your afternoon goodbye..."
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Things Not To Say
When Hanging The Lights
Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the
three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? (Page
Six's Psychiatrist claims the other two danger zones are teaching
your mate to drive and wallpapering. He is rarely wrong on these
things.) We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things
To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.
-- "You've got two red lights right next to each other, dummy.
supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red,
--"Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."
--"What the hell do you do to these lights when you put them away
every year? Tie them in knots?"
--"Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry that
--"If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't
throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your
--"Give me that."
--"You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric
pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."
--"I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done,
--"You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we agreed it
shouldn't look like a spiral this year?"
--"Have you been drinking?"
--"Where's the cat?"
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"Son, I just know you'll do the right thing by this little girl,"
said the preacher. "You just marry her, and you'll be at the end of
So he did the right thing, and he married the girl, and about six
months later when he saw the preacher again he tried to murder him.
"You miserable liar!" shouted the young man. "You told me if I
married her, I would be at the end of my troubles. Well, I married
her, and she has made my life miserable."
"That may be true, son, but you can't blame me," replied the
minister. "I said you'd be at the end of your troubles, but I never
said which end."
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Where do vegetables stay on vacation?
The Lettuce Inn
What did the hungry dalmation say after he had a large meal?
That hit the spots.
What happens when ice cream gets mad?
It has a melt down.
What did the laundry man do at the convent?
He picked up dirty habits.
What did one ghoul say to the other ghoul?
A fiend in need is a fiend indeed.
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A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a
bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a
'How much do you want for the mower?' asked the preacher.
'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,'
said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will
you take my bike in trade for it?' The little boy asked if
he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around
a little while, said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'
The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled
on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.
The preacher called the little boy over and said, 'I can't
get this mower to start.'
The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at
it to get it started.'
The preacher said, I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's
been so long since I've been saved that I don't even remember
how to cuss.'
The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'You just
keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya.
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Subscribers and Friends
Carolyn w/Santa Baby ~Elvis
The First Christmas Gift
John w/ The True meaning Of Christmas
God Is Like...
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Darwin Awards Rejects
Fastest Gun Ever
A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe
race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to
reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the
Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and
depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing
A management team made up of senior management was formed to
investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was
the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the
American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
So American management hired a consulting company and paid them a
large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised that too
many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were
To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's
structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area
steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1
person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was
called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program", with meetings,
dinners and free pens for the rower.
There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other
equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the
management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted
development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all
capital investments for new equipment.
The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses
and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.
The Emery Cat is The Fun New Kitty Scratcher That Actually Grooms
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Meet the WarTops, they simply steal the show!
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Six year old Angie and her four year old brother Joel
were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang,
and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church," she
hissed at Joel.
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel shot back.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See
those two men standing by the door?"
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How many reindeer does Santa Have?
10 Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner,
Rudoph (the one with the red nose) and Olive (Olive the other
Mom, can I have a dog for Christmas?
No, you can have turkey like everyone else
What nationality is Santa Claus?
Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
Because the angel had said, "No L!"
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas
cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
"What denomination?" the clerk asks. " O my God! Has it come to
this?" says the blonde. "Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, and 32
Smoke Assist is the exciting alternative to cigarettes. You may now
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A Full Plate
A man went to his dentist because he felt something wrong in his
mouth. The dentist looked inside and said, "That new upper plate I
put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been
The man replied, "All I can think of is that about four months ago
my wife made some asparagus and put some Hollandaise sauce on it. I
loved it so much I now put it on everything meat, toast, fish,
"Well," said the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise
sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive.
It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and
this time use chrome."
"Why chrome?" asked the patient.
"It's simple," replied the dentist. "Dental researchers have
concluded that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
"A Full Plate" from "The Ants Are My Friends" by Richard Lederer &
Stan Kegel (©2007 Marion Street Press) ; "There's no place like home
for the holidays" from "Home for the Holidays" by Robert Allen and
You'll never listen to popular songs the same way after reading "The
Ants are My Friends". International Punsters of the Year Stan Kegel
and Richard Lederer have teamed up to compose this pro-verbal
collection of puns based on popular lyrics. And many of the
punderful narratives are composed by other "International Punsters
of the Year" and "O. Henry Pun-Off " winners . Laugh-Out-Loud Humor
that makes a great gift! Now you can order signed copies directly
from co-author Richard Lederer @ 10034 Mesa Madera Drive; San Diego,
CA 92131. Send check for $15 per book. Please feel free to specify
personal inscriptions. Questions: E-mail Richard Lederer at
Indoor Potty Pad
Prevent pet accidents in your home with Pet Zoom Pet Park. It's made
of a synthetic grass like surface that prevents stains and rinses
clean in seconds. Unlike dripping newspapers and expensive wee wee
pads, Pet Zoom Pet Park's reusable surface stays fresh and sanitary.
Use it for training puppies to special needs dogs to long days at
Protect your upholstery and flooring with Pet Zoom Pet Park.
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Christmas Shopping for Rudy
Sandi and Katie are out at the Mall looking for a present for their
Sandi is nervous: I just do not know what to get him.
Katie: A sweater?
Sandi: No, he is hot all the time.
Katie: Swimming trunks?
Sandi: No, I think he likes to swim in the buff.
Katie: He is hard to shop for. Let's go into Sears and just look
They go into Sears and look around and are about to give up when
Katie points something out to Sandi....
Katie: When Rudy sleeps on Father's bed, where does he sleep?
Sandi: At the head of the bed.
Katie: Why does he sleep there?
Sandi: That is where all the pillows are and he really loves that
pillow Daddy has..... Oh I get it. The long soft pillow.
Katie: Right! Get him the long soft pillow. Look they have
kinds of pillows, some are square and large. He could have a doggie
bed like Father's pillow.
Sandi: Good idea Katie, but he likes Dad's bed.
Katie: I have an idea, you get him the large pillow, I get him the
square pillow that way he could sleep on the floor in comfort or on
Father's bed in comfort with his own pillow.
Sandi: Excellent idea. We will have these wrapped and put under
The herd in Guthrie
Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean
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