Clean Chips For Tues
- Clean Clean
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Eva decided that she was going to pull some April's Fools
mischief on me this morning. I took a break and set the
keyboard om top of the monitor because she loves the
stuck key sound when you press a key 20 times. I figured
there was not much damage she could do with just the
mouse, I was wrong. I use Outlook for my mail client
and one of the interesting things in Outlook is the ability to
move the headers wherever you want them, along with the
various columns like received, subject, from, etc. She had
somehow discovered drag and drop and had stacked all
of my toolbars and a few message headers in a stack on the messages.
It has been awhile since I played with them
and although I could move them but they just floated where
I dropped them. Finally after a half hour ot trial and error
I discovered that if you double clicked them they would
become part of the page. Now all I have to do is find my
spare lancet device she grabbed this morning, fortunately
there was no lancet in it.
Happy April Fool's
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*How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?*
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got
our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a
stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not
up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll
do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I?
Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it.. You can feed me while
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just
ate was a light bulb?
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
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Little Old Ladies
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Computers in 1989
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A little prospector wearing clean new shoes walked
into a saloon. A big Texan standing at the bar said
to his friend, "Watch me make this dude dance."
He walked over to the prospector and said, "You're a foreigner,
aren't you? From the East?"
"You might say that," said the prospector, "I'm from Boston and I'm
here prospecting for gold."
"Now tell me something," said the Texan,
"Can you dance?"
"Well I'm going to teach you," said the Texan. And with that the
Texan took out his gun and started shooting at the prospectors' feet.
Hopping, skipping, and jumping the little prospector made it to the
door shaking like a leaf.
About an hour later the Texan left the saloon. As soon as he stepped
outside the door he heard a click. He looked around and there, four
feet from his head was the biggest shotgun he had ever seen.
The little prospector said, "Mr. Texan, have you ever kissed a mule?"
"No," said the quick thinking Texan, "but I've always wanted to."
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Several years ago, I visited Germany. I had hoped to teach at the
base school perhaps, but no positions were open. I applied with the
PX instead. The personnel manager looked at all my education and
experience and asked, "Do you know anything about computers?"
"No," I replied honestly.
"That's okay," she said. "Nobody else does either. You're hired to
work in the computer store."
My car was old but had low mileage and still ran well, so I decided
to donate it to charity. Unfortunately, it was so bashed and dented;
the organizations I contacted turned me down after they saw it.
Finally, I found a place that would overlook my car's condition and
accepted it: the Council of the Blind.
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Two Jews had businesses on the same street. One had customers coming
and going and the other, well, maybe two or three a day. Finally,
Morris, whose business was doing badly, decided to visit Shapiro, who
was doing very well. Going in the door, he saw a large banner over
the entrance which read : "GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE."
Morris wanted to know why Shapiro was going out of business, since he
seemed to be doing so well. Shapiro confided, "That sign has been in
my window for almost eight months. If I took it down, I would go out
Groucho Marx was married to a non-Jew. When their son was refused
admittance to a "restricted" country club, Groucho sent the club a
telegram. "Since my little son is only half-Jewish, would it be all
right if he goes into the pool only up to his waist?"
Who Should Lead The U.S. Into The Future?
 Hillary Clinton
 John McCain
 Barack Obama
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A Swiss man, on vacation in the U.S. is driving a rented car and
looking for directions; he pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two
Americans just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français?" he tries. The two continue to
"Parlano Italiano?" No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, frustrated. The first American turns to the
second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."
"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four foreign languages, and it
didn't do him any good."
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An Iowa minister is in a flood. The river is overflowing, and water
water surrounds the church up to the front porch. As he is standing
at the top of the steps, a boat comes up. The man in the boat says
"Jump in, Padre, we'll take you to safety."
The minster says, "Bless you but no, I put my trust in God. God
will provide for me." The boat goes away.
The water rises to the second floor. The minister is looking out a
window just above the water line. A larger boat comes up, and a man
on the boat bellows through a bull horn, "C'mon, Padre! Before it's
too late! We'll get you out of here."
"No, thanks. My faith is in God. God will provide for me." The
boat goes away.
Now the whole church is submerged with only the roof above the
water line. As The minister stands on the roof, a helicopter flies
overhead and drops a rope ladder. "Climb up, Padre! This is your
"No thank you. I have faith. God will provide for me."
The helicopter flies away.
The water continues to rise. It sweeps the minister off the roof
and he drowns.
In heaven, God says to him, "What are you doing here?"
"I put my trust in You and You let me down."
"What do you mean, I let you down?!? I sent you two boats and a
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Soap Making Made Simple!
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Subscribers and Friends
John w/ Priscilla Presley ~Dancing With The Stars~ Week 3
Carolyn with/Mockingbird Hill
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April fools day museumofhoaxes
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Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)
New Banking Trojan... really strange
Royalty Free Music Loops
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Creation vs Evolution has been settled!
A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race come about?'
The Mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children, and
mankind was made.'
A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question.
father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed
The confused girl returns to her mother and says, 'Mom, how is it
that you told me that the human race was created by God, and Papa
developed from monkeys?'
The Mother answers, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about
origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his
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It's A Dogs Life!
Caught After The Fact
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Obama supporters proclaim
That Clinton must quit, hurling blame,
Shrieking "Stop this damn fray!"
Dems love fighters, they say.
But not if the fighter's a dame.
<Madeline Begun Kane>
My interest in polling is waning:
Who's winning -- who's losing -- who's gaining.
Tell me where these guys stand
Who's a liar? What's canned?
Give me substance not horse race-campaigning.
<Madeline Begun Kane>
A squirrel who wanted some food
Did something I'd call rather rude:
He squeezed into a cage,
Ate the bird feed not sage.
Now his tummy's too fat to extrude.
<Madeline Begun Kane>
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Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
To make up for a lousy summer
What do you call a country, where all the cars in it are pink?
A pink carnation
What did one race horse say to the other race horse?
The pace is familiar but I can't remember the mane.
What do you call a public transit rider reading The Lord of the Rings?
A subway Tolkien.
Why do gardeners hate weeds?
Give weeds an inch and they'll take a yard.
Why is a bride always out of luck on her wedding day?
Because she never marries the best man.
What's the difference between Noah's ark and Joan of Arc?
One is made of wood and the other is Maid of Orleans.
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Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making
her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As
luck would have it, an Exxon gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The
attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned
out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann
was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked
back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful,
Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with
gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from
across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it
starts, I'm turning Catholic.'
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Golf Wrap Up
The 18th hole is coming up..
BJ: What is the score now?
Sandi: Katie has 78, I have 78, Rudy has 158, but he has done
much better since you gave him the pool cue.
Rudy: Last hole, I am tired.
BJ: You should be. You have wandered twice as far as anyone else
Sandi: Okay I am up first. Whack!
Katie: Nice shot sis, about 30 yards short of the hole.
Watch me... Whack!
Rudy: Nice going Katie, on the green.
Let's see what I can do. Whack!
Sandi: I didn't see the ball.
BJ: Me either.
Later..on the green.
BJ: Rudy what was your ball?
Rudy: It was a Lab100.
BJ: It is in the cup.
Katie lines up her putt, if she makes it she wins. She putts,,,it
by the cup but does not fall in..
Katie stomps up and down...%##@^#$!
Sandi calmly takes out her 9 iron and slaps her shot,,,it rolls
the cup, hovers over it...and drops in.
BJ: Looks like you win by a stroke.
Katie: I am having a stroke.
Rudy: A stroke of misfortune.
The herd in Guthrie
Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean
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In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
711 Pine Street Apt.1
Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
- My name is buffalo and I have the watch.
Sunday around brunch time Eva came into my room
and said Grandpa, It's a tomato morning. I figured
Sandy was fixing breakfast and then my TV started
beeping and thats's when I figured out Eva had actually
meant tornado warning. It wasn't that serious, though,
only severe thunderstorms and we didn't even get the
quarter sized hail but we did get plenty of wind and
buckets of rain and it kept on coming till about 0500.
I finally got to bed after the16 hour light show and then
it was time to go get bloodwork done. I called doctor's
office and told them I had done the tests and asked
them to call when they had the results and give me any
dosages that had been modified so I could take my pills.
While I was on the phone I noticed a lot of static which
isn't unusual as there are fiber optics in the neighborhood
connecting to 60 years of copper wire. I laid down to take
a nap and wait for the call and woke up at 1530 with
still no call so I called doctor's office and they had been
calling me all afternoon. The static was also causing the
modem to disconnect randomly.
On the good side though my meds are ok at least for
another week or so. Hope you are having a great week.
The man, trying to start up a conversation with another
man said, "WOW! Who is that incredibly ugly lady over there?"
The second man said, "Why, that's my wife!"
Trying to get out of an embarassing situation, the first man
said, "No, not her, the other one!"
The second man said, "That's my daughter!"
The teacher, during an English lesson, asked her students: "Now tell
me, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no
Little Johnny, in the back row, raised his hand.
"Yes, Johnny," said the teacher
A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2
servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I consume about 3,500
calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per
Therefore, in the last 3-1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric
intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds.
So... without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing
about 3 months ago! I owe my life to chocolate!!
The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a
"little" stowed away rum. Unfortunately he got drunk and was still drunk
the next morning. The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate was
sober, showed him the following entry in the ship's log: "The first mate
was drunk today."
"Captain please don't let that stay in the log", the mate said. "This
could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself."
"Is it true?" asked the captain, already knowing the answer.
"Yes, its true" the mate said.
"Then if it is true it has to go in the log. That's the rule. If its
true it goes into the log, end of discussion," said the captain sternly.
Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entries. The
first mate wrote: "The ship seems in good shape. The captain was sober
A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to
make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings
it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found
a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided
that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and
showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said,
"This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it
any more; they had to know who they had found. They called the police
and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and
we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."
Dear Mr. Johnson:
Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to
get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try
It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal 10 year old
boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp
We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with
swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire -- you know. There
were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music,
military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying.
I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year.
Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket.
It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right
there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAS HAPPENED. He's changed. I can't explain it. See
These are some of my little Billy's letters:
Letter # 1
The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only
good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time
to program, so they let us stay up. Love, Billy.
Letter # 2
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all
get to choose what we want to drink. By the way, can you make Szechwan
food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the flowchart
class. Love, Billy.
P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spell
Letter # 3
Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow
of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of a
tan cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer
screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us
weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.
Letter # 4
I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp
ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real
funny. He got mad and yelled. Can you send more money? I've got to chip
in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a
computer? Give my regards to Dad.
Letter # 5
Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I
haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto
any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the
university's in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five,
he's going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really
smart. He says that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.
Letter # 6
How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I
haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody
wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is
cool. I thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made
some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway,
I've paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late
Letter # 7
Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only ten years
old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again.
Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit
bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write
again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal
communication drain me.
What can I do, Mr. Johnson?
See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little
boy. I know that it's probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if
by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of
programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much.
Please forgive our lack of a fancy template at the moment and
enjoy these pages from our friends.
Animals on Trampolines Via Richard
I KNOW I'VE BEEN SEALED/PAGE BY MARLENE/GOSPEL
Scientists Unveil New Species!
This dummy knows his stuff
Before you watch it, do you know the answer to the question
"What is the Third Amendment? If not, you'll find out.
What Happens When A Washcloth is Wrung in Space?
Have you seen the latest dance craze? It's called "twerking." It's
drawn controversy since Miley Cyrus made it famous and now twins Terry
and Josie, 74, and their 82-year-old sister Mary are showing off their
"twerking" skills! The grannies say some inappropriate words, but what
the heck? They're fantastic!
*Grandpa and The Computer*
The computer swallowed Grandpa
Yes honestly, its true.
He pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It's devoured him completely
The thought just makes me squirm.
Maybe he's caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind.
I've even used the internet
But nothing could I find.
I asked Jeeves in desperation
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative
Not a thing was found online.
So, if someday in your 'In Box'
My Grandpa you should see.
Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' him
In an e-mail back to me.
Two couples went out golfing together. The men hit first from the men's
tee and walked with the ladies to their tee box.
The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it completely,
while passing some gas rather loudly in the process. No one commented.
She addressed the ball again but this time she passed just little gas as
she made contact with the ball, topping it and moving it only a short
She said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further?"
One of the men said, "I don't think you gave it enough gas!"
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller
delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare
to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this
Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined
at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. Her mind raced. A question
forced it's way out... she simply had to know.. She met the Fortune
Teller's gaze, tried to steady her voice and asked,
"Will I be acquitted?"
For some reason, wives tend to like this joke .
A difficult moral dilemma: you are on a plane headed for a tropical
vacation, and you crash. you and most of the other passengers end up on a
deserted island. The world thinks you perished in the sea. No one is coming
to rescue you. There is not enough coconut, fresh water, and fish to sustain
everyone. Among the survivors are an IRS agent, a DOJ lawyer, and an
assistant communications director from the administration. Which one do you
stir fry, which one do you barbecue, and which one goes into a
Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean
Regarding any problems unsubscribing from this opt-in mailing list
In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
711 Pine Street Apt.1
Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783