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Clean Chips for Sat

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  • William Brabant
    Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. For those of you who are always looking for a
    Message 1 of 51 , Dec 1, 2007
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      Clean Clean






      Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
      name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

      For those of you who are always looking for a reason
      to celebrate, December is your month. A person could
      develop a hangover that will last to President's Day
      in December.


      Dec. 01. Apple Day
      Dec. 01. Day Without) Art
      Dec. 01. Pie Day
      Dec. 01. World AIDS Day
      Dec. 01. National Day in Central African Republic
      Dec. 01. Independence Day in Portugal
      Dec. 01. National Day in Romania
      Dec. 02. Abolition of Slavery Day
      Dec. 02. National Day in Laos
      Dec. 02. National Holiday in United Arab Emirates
      Dec. 03. Disabled Persons Awareness Day
      Dec. 04. Cookie Day
      Dec. 04. Santa's List Day
      Dec. 05. Play Hooky Day
      Dec. 05. Bathtub Fun Day
      Dec. 05. Discovery Day in Haiti
      Dec. 05. National Day in Thailand
      Dec. 06. Pawnbrokers Day
      Dec. 06. Saint Nicholas Day
      Dec. 06. Independence of Quito Day in Ecuador
      Dec. 06. Independence Day in Finland
      Dec. 06. Constitution Day in Spain
      Dec. 07. Civil Aviation Day
      Dec. 07. Cotton Candy Day
      Dec. 07. Letter-Writing Day
      Dec. 07. Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day
      Dec. 07. Teacher Appreciation Day
      Dec. 08. Brownie Day
      Dec. 08. Lady of Camarin Day in Guam
      Dec. 08. Feast of the Immaculate Conception in Nicaragua
      Dec. 08. Constitution Day in Uzbekistan
      Dec. 09. Homemade Gift Day
      Dec. 09. Independence Day in Tanzania
      Dec. 10. Thai Constitution Day in Thailand
      Dec. 11. National Day in Burkina Faso
      Dec. 12. Poinsettia Day
      Dec. 12. Independence Day in Kenya
      Dec. 12. Guadalupe Day in Mexico
      Dec. 12. Constitution Day in Russia
      Dec. 12. Neutrality Day in Turkmenistan
      Dec. 13. Cocoa Day
      Dec. 13. Shareware Day
      Dec. 13. Republic Day in Malta
      Dec. 13. Santa Lucia Day in Sweden
      Dec. 14. Email Tag Day
      Dec. 15. Bill of Rights Day
      Dec. 15. Kingdom Day in Curacao
      Dec. 15. Navidades in Puerto Rico
      Dec. 16. Stupid Toy Day
      Dec. 16. Independence Day in Bahrain
      Dec. 16. Victory Day in Bangladesh
      Dec. 16. Posadas in Mexico
      Dec. 16. Christmas Observance in Philippines
      Dec. 16. Reconciliation Day in South Africa
      Dec. 17. Wright Brothers Day
      Dec. 18. Bake Cookies Day
      Dec. 18. Wear A Plunger On Your Head Day
      Dec. 18. Republic Day in Niger
      Dec. 19. Oatmeal Muffin Day
      Dec. 19. Underdog Day
      Dec. 20. Go Caroling Day
      Dec. 21. Don't Be A Scrooge Day
      Dec. 21. Flashlight Day
      Dec. 21. Forefathers' Day
      Dec. 21. Winter Solstice
      Dec. 21. World Peace Day
      Dec. 21. Yalda
      Dec. 22. Yule
      Dec. 23. Emperor's Birthday in Japan
      Dec. 24. Christmas Eve
      Dec. 24. Last-Minute Shopper's Day
      Dec. 24. Independence Day in Libya
      Dec. 25. Christmas
      Dec. 25. Pumpkin Pie Day
      Dec. 25. Birthday of Quaid-I-Azam in Pakistan
      Dec. 25. Constitution Day in Taiwan
      Dec. 26. Boxing Day
      Dec. 26. Kwanzaa Begins
      Dec. 26. Whiner's Day
      Dec. 26. Junkanoo in Bahamas
      Dec. 26. Boxing Day in Canada
      Dec. 26. Day of the Wren in Ireland
      Dec. 26. Independence Day in Slovenia
      Dec. 26. Goodwill Day in South Africa
      Dec. 26. Boxing Day in United Kingdom
      Dec. 28. Card Playing Day
      Dec. 28. Chocolate Day
      Dec. 28. Holy Innocents Day (Childermas)
      Dec. 28. Proclamation Day in Australia
      Dec. 30. Rizal in Philippines
      Dec. 31. Make Up Your Mind Day
      Dec. 31. New Year's Eve
      Dec. 31. New Year's Resolutions
      Dec. 31. Samoan Fire Dance in Western Samoa

      I have been watching the answers to some of the questions
      from the Presidential Debates and they are not helpful.
      They asked the candidates for favorite TV shows and
      Obama answered Sponge Bob Square Pants and McCain answered
      Prison Break. I have never cared for Prison Break but
      I watch Sponge Bob several times a day. There is not a
      snowball's chance in Hell that I will vote for Obama
      though. Oh well...

      Enjoy the chips .... buffalo

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      Christmas Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Name That Christmas Tune

      The following Christmas carols might hve been written by government
      officials. Can you guess the original titles?

      1. Move Hither The Entire Assembly Of Those Who Are Loyal In Their
      Belief

      2. Embellish Interior Passageways

      3. Vertically Challenged Adolescent Percussionist

      4. First Person Singular Experiencing An Hallucinatory Phenomenon Of
      A Natal Celebration Devoid Of Color

      5. Soundless Nocturnal Period

      6. Majestic Triplet Referred To In The First Person Plural

      7. The Yuletide Occurance Preceding All Others

      8. Precious Metal Musical Devices

      9. Omnipotent Supreme Being Elicit Respite To Ecstatic Distinguished
      Males

      10. Caribou With Vermillion Olfactory Appendage

      11. Allow Crystalline Formations To Descend

      12. Jovial Yuletide Desired For The Second Person Singular Or Plural
      By The First Person Plural

      13. Commence Auditory Reception The Announcing Cherubs Vocalize

      14. Kris Kringle Will Be Arriving In The City In The Not Too Distant
      Future

      15. Bipedal Traveling Through An Amazing Acreage During The Period
      Between December 21st And March 21st In The Northern Hemisphere

      16. Its Arrival Occurred At Twelve O'Clock During A Clement Nocturnal
      Period

      17. Exclamatory Remark Concerning A Diminutive Municipality In Judea
      Southwest Of Jerusalem

      ANSWERS BELOW.









      Answers:

      1. O Come All Ye Faithful,

      2. Deck The Halls,

      3. The Little Drummer Boy,

      4. I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas,

      5. Silent Night,

      6. We Three Kings,

      7. The First Noel,

      8. Silver Bells,

      9. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen,

      10. Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer,

      11. Let It Snow,

      12. We Wish You A Merry Christmas,

      13. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing,

      14. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town,

      15. Walking In A Winter Wonderland,

      16. It Came Upon A Midnight Clear,

      17. O Little Town Of Bethlehem


      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait

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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Pun Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      I was walking along the shore of the ocean one day and saw a wine
      bottle floating in on the surf. In and out from shore it tumbled with
      the cascading breakers. "It might contain a message," I thought, and
      I waded out between waves to retrieve it.

      No message. The bottle appeared to be empty, but when I removed the
      cork, out popped a magic Genie. Said he, "I'm not your lamp kind of
      Genie -- I'm a bottle Genie. No wishes here -- I give you what I
      want, but you're guaranteed to like it."

      And then, 'Poof!' and the Genie and the bottle disappeared (along
      with the cork which had also been in my hand), but standing in front
      of me was a large dog. Said the dog, "I'm your new chauffeur."

      "But you talk," I replied.

      "Oh, that's nothing. I'm a good pet, too. But my specialty is
      driving. Now, when you say to me, 'Do you want to go for a ride?' I
      hop in the front seat and take you where you want to go. You can hang
      YOUR tongue out the window."

      Needless to say, I was more impressed by the language skills, but,
      since it was late in the day, I said, "Okay, let's go home."

      Sure enough, the dog jumped into the seat behind the wheel, I handed
      him the keys, and, lo and behold, he drove me home.

      Now some folks have Fords, and some Toyotas; some even have Rolls-
      Royces. But I bet on this whole planet I'm the only fellow who goes
      back and forth to work via Magic Car Pet.

      BJC

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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      Market Chips
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      "Papa," little Sammy asks his father. "What is the stockmarket?"

      "Oh, Sammy," replies the father, "you are much too small to
      understand!"

      "I am NOT too small! I want to KNOW, now!" Sammy protested.

      "Ach, wait a few years, then you will understand better."

      "Papa, I don't want to start life poor, like you, selling second-
      hand
      clothes. So... I want to know!" Sammy insisted.

      "Alright,," the father gave in. "It's like this. You buy two
      chickens. The two chickens lay eggs. So... next year you have thirty
      chickens. The thirty chickens, they all lay eggs too. The chickens
      lay eggs, the eggs turn into chickens. So, you end up having
      thousands of chickens. You see, my son, THIS is the stockmarket. You
      understand, Sammy?"

      "Yes, Papa."

      "And then, one day, the sky opens up biiiggggg. And it rains, it
      rains like in the days of Noah! The floods, they come and they take
      the chickens with them and wash away all the chickens until they
      drown and you have only two or three chickens left! You understand?"

      "Oh, yes, Papa."

      "You see, my son, THIS is the stockmarket. You should have bought
      DUCKS!!!"


      Stan Kegel

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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      Quarter Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      A businessman was talking with his barber, when they both noticed a
      goofy-looking fellow bouncing down the sidewalk. The barber
      whispered, "That's Tommy, one of the stupidest kids you'll ever meet.
      Here, I'll show you."
      "Hey Tommy! Come here!" yelled the barber.

      Tommy came bouncing over "Hi Mr. Williams!"

      The barber pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny quarter and told Tommy
      he could keep the one of his choice. Tommy looked long and hard at
      the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped the dime from the
      barber's hand. The barber looked at the businessman and said, "See, I
      told you."

      After his haircut, the businessman caught up with Tommy and asked him
      why he chose the dime.

      Tommy looked at him in the eye and said, "If I take the quarter, the
      game is over."

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      Bear Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Three men came back from fishing one day, but when they got back to
      their truck, they saw it was surrounded by three bears. One of the
      men said, "OK, guys, I figure the only way we're gonna get back to
      the truck is to make these bears really angry. Then they'll leave and
      we can go home. Ed, you take that one on the left, the little cub
      with a broken leg. I'll take the one in the middle, the little cub
      with one eye and a hurt paw. Joe, you take the one on the right, the
      mama bear."Joe looked and saw a huge silvertip grizzly bear with big
      teeth and froth around her mouth. "Hey, man, wait a sec. I'm supposed
      to get this monster angry, and you guys get the cubs. That's not
      fair!""Now, now, Joe," was the reply. "We all have our bears to
      cross."


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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Poem Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Arkansas poem

      SEVILLE DER DEGO
      TAUSIN BUSSES INARO
      NOJO DEMES TRUX
      SUMMIT CAUSIN
      SUMMIT DUX

      Translation
      SEE WILLIE THERE THEY GO
      A THOUSAND BUSSES IN A ROW
      NO JO, THEM IS TRUCKS
      SOME WITH COWS IN
      SOME WITH DUCKS.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Fishing Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



      How to Maintain Sanity Till Fishing Season Begins

      10). Sit and watch (and perhaps even cast into) your 6 foot fish tank
      day in and day out.

      9). Take up ice fishing!

      8). Cat fishing? Take the hook off a popper and cast it into the
      nieghbor's yard in an attempt to catch the cat without it noticing
      you.

      7). Continue to explain to your spouse what each lure is for and when
      you would use it.

      6). Tie a candybar onto 80 lb. test and "cast" it into the cubicle
      next to yours.

      5). Tie a line to your baby brother's diaper and keep reeling him in
      across the floor.

      4). Spend time standing in freezing water to toughen up.

      3). Sit on an overpass, wait for a big semi, cast out a big magnet,
      and dream about catching "The Big One".

      2). How can I "maintain" something I don't have (sanity in regards to
      fishing)?

      1). Gut, clean, and filet your frozen fish sticks.


      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Toon Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      Job Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      One of those physical fitness club franchises was preparing to enter
      the international market. They placed ads in newspapers all over the
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      We're looking for five men in peak physical condition. Must be able
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      The day after the ad appeared, a heavy man of about 70
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      "Nope," the old man said.

      "Chinese? Japanese?"

      "No, both times."

      "Know anything about weights or aerobic exercises?"

      "Only that I wouldn't be caught dead with either one."

      "How about sports?"

      "I've never played anything more taxing than checkers."

      "I see," the young man said. "Tell me something. Why did
      you come here?"

      "To tell you to count me out."


      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Parting Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      My father, an Army major, was conducting a field test when
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      baby girl."

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Bonus Chip
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk
      with a backslider of his flock, whose drinking
      of moonshine invariably led to quarreling with
      his neighbors, and occasional shotgun blasts
      at some of them.

      "Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that
      not one good thing comes out of this drinking?"

      "Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the
      backslider. "It makes me miss the folks I shoot at."


      Randy


      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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      Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Katie's Komfort Kolumn
      Vol 1160

      Shopping With Katie

      Katie: Father I need to shop.

      BJ: Growl...Okay let's go. I don't know why we didn't all go
      at the same time.

      Katie: Then everybody would know what they had.

      BJ: I see your point. What store do you want? Walmart?

      Katie: Heavens no. Business has been good this year. Let's
      start off at Dillards, then Macys.

      BJ: Growl, I can't even afford those stores.

      Later...in Macys..at the perfume counter.

      Katie: How much is this per ounce?

      Helper: That would cost about 200 per ounce.

      Katie: A bit cheesie, don't you think?

      Helper: We do have this one that is about 400 per
      ounce.

      Katie: Hmm smells delightful. Wrap it up and have it
      say for mother. Oh and toss in that bottle of cologne for
      father.

      BJ: Katherine, that is 500 dollars!

      Katie: Tut tut tis nothing father. Ma'am wrap it and have
      it say to a wonderful father. Let's see if they have something
      for Sandi and Rudy for Christmas.

      BJ: How about a new heated doggie mattress?

      Katie: No, then what about summer?

      BJ: Right.

      Katie: Here we go, a goose down doggie mattress. Wrap this
      up ma'am and have the card read, to my best friends.

      BJ: How about Miss Tami?

      Katie: I have her present already.

      BJ: What is it?

      Katie: My new CD, "Christmas Ballads on the Banjo"

      The herd in Guthrie



      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

      *********************************************

      Remember 9/11/01



      Regarding any problems unsubscribing from this mailing list

      In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:

      William Brabant
      711 Pine Street Apt.1
      Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
    • William Brabant
      Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. I think that the Liberals had Michael Jackson
      Message 51 of 51 , Jun 27, 2009
      • 0 Attachment
        Clean Clean

        Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
        name is Buffalo and I have the watch.


        I think that the Liberals had Michael Jackson executed to cover up shoving the Cap and Trade bill through the house on Friday afternoon. It barely passed and I thank those that had the balls to vote against their party. Our country is facing enough problems right now without burdening those living on fixed incomes and low wages from another jump in services. We live on the Great Lakes and most of our power comes from hydro-electric stations on the river. Power was cheap at .05 a kilowatt hour but we were
        purchased by another company in Wisconsin so that we would
        have a source of additional cheap power. Power from the
        south has been expensive since the eighties when Consumers Power halted construction on another reactor and were authorized to charge
        their users for the unfinished reactor.

        The Wisconsin company also owns several generating stations near Marquette that were originally built for K.I. Sawyer Air Force base. These coal fired plants are seventh on the lists of polluters for the state so they are going to be heavily taxed over the period of the bill. The Upper Peninsula of Michigan has a third of the total land mass of the state and 3 percent of the population of the state. We don't have smog and our main air quality problem is pollen from all of the trees and plants. The air up here is so clean that if you fart the whole neighborhood knows it so why are we being faced with the same penalties as Los Angeles and New York City?

        We are told that it won't be us that foots the bill, it will be the utilities and the polluters. What utility isn't going to be asking for an increase in rates the minute they get a bill for cap and trade?

        They are also talking about job creation for alternative energy which will be heavily subsidized. There was a great plan to build a huge algae farm that would produce power both with solar and biomass in the
        middle of the desert and the minute the concept was talked about the environmentalists were out screaming it was bad for the jackrabbits. My town has already put out a moratorium on windmills because no one wants to hear that swishing sound. If you give me power for .03 a kw/h they can put it in my bedroom window.

        Thank you for a few seconds to rant, probably won't be the last you hear
        about it. Enjoy the chips.... buffalo

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        Job Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Useful Work Phrases

        1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged
        by your unique point of view.

        2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't
        mean you're an artist.

        3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll
        bet it's hard to pronounce.

        4. Any connection between your reality and mine
        is purely coincidental.

        5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just
        don't care.

        6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young
        and stupid.

        7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

        8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

        9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over
        your mouth.

        10. I will always cherish the initial misconcep-
        tions I had about you.

        11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of
        Karma to burn off.

        12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties
        are largely ceremonial.

        13. No, my powers can only be used for good.

        14. How about never? Is never good for you?

        15. I'm really easy to get along with once you
        people learn to worship me.

        16. You sound reasonable ... Time to up my
        medication.

        17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being
        smarter.

        18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a
        message ...

        19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

        20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

        21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job with-
        out my toys!

        22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at
        the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

        23. At least I have a positive attitude about my
        destructive habits.

        24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of
        strangers.

        25. I see you've set aside this special time to
        humiliate yourself in public.


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Noah Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. uild another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending

        rain for 40 days and 40 nights.' Sx months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. 'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?' 'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Ten the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea

        would be coming to us, but they culd hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! Ten I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. Tey insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. ' Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?' 'No,' said the Lord. 'The government beat me to it.


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Convert Your Car To Burn Water + Gasoline = Double Your Mileage!

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Search Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        TWO GUYS IN HOME DEPOT

        Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot Building Supply when they collide.

        The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going'.

        The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

        The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'

        The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs , and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'

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        Most of us old timers are helpful like that.


        Patricia

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        Card Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching
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        father and placed some thing in his hand.

        Everyone in the room was wondering what was
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        The father could feel the suspense in the air and
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        Then he raises his hands with what his daughter
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        The whole audience including priest started laughing.

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        Short Chips
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        A listener called the disc jockey on the air at our radio station to ask about the upcoming lunar eclipse. "The eclipse can be seen at 1:30 in the morning," the DJ told her. "That late?" she snapped. "Why can't they schedule these things earlier so kids can enjoy them too?"
        ----------------------------------
        Our national parks have millions of visitors a year, so
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        "Where do you keep the animals at night?"
        "Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building
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        "A deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles.
        Is there a way I can get reimbursed?"
        "The place where trails do not exist are not well marked." "There are too many rocks in the mountains."
        ------------------------------------
        I was sitting behind an enthsiastic mom at my son's
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        pitch. The poor kid walked every batter. It was only
        the first inning, and the score was 14 - 0. Then one batter finally smacked the ball. "Oh, no!" the mom wailed. "There goes his no-hitter!"


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        Random Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        They say not to put all of your eggs in one basket, but I'll be darned if I am going to roll 12 shopping carts out of the grocery store!

        ------------------

        The Middle-Aged Teapot Song:

        I'm a middle-aged man, short and stout.
        Here is my beer gut, here is my pouch.
        When I get all steamed up, hear me shout:
        "Where's my remote? It was on the couch!"

        ---------------------

        A little boy goes up to his dad and asks,

        "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

        The father replies. . .

        "Well, son, you must of got it from your mother, 'cause I still have all of mine."

        --------------------

        Scanning the phone book for a garbage service, I came across one that clearly wasn't afraid to tackle any job. Their ad read:

        "Residential hauling. All types of junk removed. No load too large or too small. Garages, basements, addicts."

        ---------------

        I told my wife she'd have to make my paycheck go further, so.....she she took it to Hawaii.

        I don't worry about the energy crisis as long as I have electricity in my hair and gas in my stomach.

        Show me a good loser.... and I'll show you a fellow playing golf with his boss.

        My brother is so vain, he joined the Navy so the world could see him!

        My husband is so thin, when he wears a red necktie he looks like a thermometer.

        Last night I saw a movie with a happy ending.... everybody was glad it was over.

        --------------------

        More daffnitions...

        Paradox: a couple of physicians.

        Stalemate: your ex-husband.

        Kleptomanica: the gift of grab

        Hotel: a place where you trade dollars for quarters.

        Europe: what the umpire calls when it's your turn at bat.

        Privatize: Sam Spade, Philip Marlowe, and Mike Hammer.

        Snowplow: a mechanical device used to fill in the end of your driveway as soon as you finish shoveling it.

        Minimum: a very tiny mother from England.

        Alimony: 'bye now, pay later.

        Canadian bacon: a heat wave in Montreal.


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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Blonde Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing. For weeks she read and studied every book, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit. When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!" Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!" Amazed, the blonde wasn't quite sure what to do, as this certainly wasn't covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly -- tools in the right place, chair positioned just so, everything. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again, "There are no fish under the ice!" Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked "Is that you, Lord?" The voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the skating rink!"



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        The abdominal toning Flex Belt is truly an awesome advance in technology. This device is by far the most effective we have ever seen of its kind. The results are astonishing - The Flex Belt is proven to work for everyone. In fact - in a clinical trial done with The Flex Belt, 100% of the participants received results in flattening, toning, and strengthening their stomach. The Flex Belt is not a gimmick - it is 100% medical science. It is the first EMS (Electric Muscle Stimulation) product of its kind cleared by the FDA as a class II medical device for direct to consumer sales. The Flex Belt literately flexes your stomach muscles for you so they get a very concentrated work out. It makes it so that anyone can exercise their abs anywhere and anytime and it does all the work for you. You can use it at work, around the house, while taking a walk, while exercising, watching TV etc. For consumers who don't have the time to exercise or for those that may have tried to flatten and tone their stomachs through traditional exercise, this product is precisely what they've been looking for. It is also great for people that are in awesome shape and already have a great stomach - it will simply make it more strong and defined. Visit the Official Website by Following this URL:

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        Toon Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        Short Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        My daughter Michelle is the commander of a Coast Guard Cutter. When she gave my husband Bob a tour of her ship, he was impressed by the neatness of all decks.

        However, when Bob went to Michelle's house with her, he couldn't believe the disorganization. "Why is everything in its place on your ship," he asked, "but your house is such a mess?" "My house," Michelle replied, "does not take 30-degree rolls."


        My wife and I were making our own funeral arrangements, and the director showed us into a room in which containers for ashes were on display.

        After we looked at the choices, I asked my wife if she had decided.

        She sighed. "Yes, the wood-finish one, as it will likely go into the ground."

        After a moment's pause, however, she continued. "But I really prefer the blue one. You know I always look good in blue."




        A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday.

        His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in under 10 seconds".

        The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

        Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday .


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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        Parting Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        In a very exclusive private school near California's Silicon Valley, a third-grade teacher was lecturing her upper-high-class students about the less fortunate. She asked them each to write an essay about a poor family in the area.

        One little girl's paper began: "Once upon a time there was a poor family. The father was poor. The mother was poor. The children were poor. The nannies were poor. The pool man was poor. The personal trainer was poor. The gardners were poor. . . . . This was a very poor family !



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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        Bonus Chip
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        A man had been feeling sick for quite some time and finally decided to see a doctor. The doctor came out and told the patient that he has some bad news to share. "You are going to die," he said.

        "When will I die?" the patient asked.

        "Ten," the doctor replied.

        The patient, wondering, asked, "Ten what? Years, months, days ...? Tell me doc, I gotta know."

        "Nine," the doctor said.


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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        Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Katie's Komfort Kolumn Vol 1632

        The Store

        When Tami enters the store she looks around....
        The main floor is as large as a football field and it is full of shoes. She breaks down and cries.

        Tami: Shoes, shoes everywhere. Where do I start?

        Salesperson: Size please? Oh I see, you need this floor. All this floor is your size and today every shoe is half off.

        Thud!

        Salesperson: Medic!

        A few minutes later...

        Tami: Where am I? Is this Heaven?

        Rudy: We are here with you Tami. We have come to help you and to make certain you do not spend too much money.

        Tami: Balderdash! Move out of my way. Tami grabs a shopping cart that is attached to a second shopping cart and starts off for aisle
        seven hundred and twenty two.

        Salesperson: She seems quite determined.

        Katie: Alas, we are here to try and slow here down.

        Salesperson: And I am here to sell her as much as I can.

        Four hours later... Tami is sitting in the middle of a huge stack of shoes.

        Katie: So which pair of shoes are you getting Miss Tami?

        Tami with red eyes: All of them!

        Rudy: There must be a hundred pair there.

        Tami: No silly, there are eight hundred and sixty-seven pair of shoes.

        Rudy: To borrow your word Miss Tami....Ack!

        Tami: Nonsense, I need every pair.

        Salesperson: Cash or Charge?

        Tami: Charge.

        Rob enters the store: What are you doing Tami?

        Tami: I thought you were on a boat?

        Rob: Your plane is slow, my boat is fast.

        Tami: I am just buying a few trinkets.

        Rob: Eight hundred and sixty-seven pair of shoes trinkets?

        Tami: Well, they are half off.

        To be continued



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

        *********************************************

        Remember 9/11/01



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