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Clean Chips For Wed

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  • William Brabant
    Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. The Dog Days of Summer have arrived. it is 90
    Message 1 of 348 , Aug 1, 2007
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      Clean Clean






      Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
      name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

      The Dog Days of Summer have arrived. it is 90 degrees with a high
      of 93 expected. At that temperature I don't get a lot done and Eva
      and I have been sitting here watching TV and enjoying Popsicles.
      There is something cool and refreshing with a Popsicle that can't be
      duplicated with ice cream. Ice cream always leaves me wanting
      something to wash down the sweetness with and then because what ever
      you drink isn't as cool, you are warm again.

      Still my living room is nowhere near as bad as the flywheel factory
      where temperatures would range from 110- 120 degrees during the
      hot days and the coolant we used generated a lot of steam which kept
      the humidity high. The offices, quality control, breakrooms, and
      even maintenance were air conditioned but this did production, the
      guys who actually earned the money that paid all of staff's wages,
      sweltering like they were standing in a southern swamp in summer.I
      felt it was a nice gesture to stop at the super market and pick up
      ten boxes of bomb pops or whatever large frozen treats they had
      on sale at the time and distribute them to the people at their
      machines
      during the heat of the afternoon and early evening because my shift
      covered two shifts from noon till 8 p.m. Contrary to what you may
      think their break never adversely affected production, in fact their
      numbers
      were usually increased on those days. I still run into people that
      don't
      remember my name, but they do remember the treats I used to bring in.

      Enjoy the chips and stay out of the heat... buffalo

      P.S. Does anyone know the secret to breaking a popsicle in half
      without
      ending up with 3 or four pieces?

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      Pun Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
      wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

      A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
      but don't start anything."

      Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

      A dyslexic man walks into a bra

      A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
      "A beer please, and one for the road."

      Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
      taste funny to you?"

      "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" Doc
      answers, "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
      The patient says, "Is it common?"
      Well, "It's Not Unusual."

      Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
      Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
      "I don't believe you," says Dolly.
      "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

      An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
      look at either.

      Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

      I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
      find

      any.

      I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

      What do you call a fish with no eyes?
      A fsh.

      Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

      BUT WAIT -- THERE'S MORE!!

      Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest

      1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
      stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
      allowed per passenger."

      2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
      says "Dam!".

      3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
      the

      craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have
      your kayak and heat it too.

      4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron,"
      The other says, "Are you sure?"
      The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

      5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
      canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

      6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
      in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
      an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to
      disperse.
      "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
      "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open
      foyer."

      7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
      to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family
      in Spain ; they name him "Juan."
      Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
      Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
      also had a picture of Ahmal.
      Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
      Ahmal."

      8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened
      up
      a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy
      flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the
      competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
      they would not.
      He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the
      rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious
      thug
      in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and
      trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
      Terrified, they did so.
      Thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

      9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
      which
      produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
      He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd
      diet, he suffered from bad breath.
      This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super
      calloused fragile mystic hexed
      by halitosis.

      10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
      his

      friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
      laugh.
      No pun in ten did

      Blonde Bonus:

      A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

      "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat
      this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost
      at
      least 5 pounds."

      When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20
      pounds.

      "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
      instructions?"

      The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to
      drop
      dead that 3rd day."

      "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

      "No, from skipping."


      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Lobster Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A guy was down on Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco when he saw a
      seafood
      restaurant and a sign on the Specials Board which read, "Big Lobster
      Tales,
      $5 each." Amazed at the great value, he said to the waitress, "$5 each
      for lobster tails ... is that correct?"

      "Yes", she said, "It's our special just for today."

      "Well", he said, "they must be little lobster tails."

      "No," she replied, "It's the really big lobster."

      Are you sure they aren't green lobster tails - and a little bit
      tough?"

      "No", she said, "it's the really big red lobster."

      "Big red lobster tails, $5 each?", he said, amazed. "They must be old
      lobster tails!"

      "No, they're definitely today's."

      "Today's big red lobster tails - $5 each?", he repeated, astounded.

      "Yes", she insisted.

      "Well, here's my five dollars," he said, "I'll take one.

      She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit
      down.
      She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned
      over
      close to him and said, "Once upon a time there was a really big red
      lobster
      ..."


      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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      Disorderly Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom
      disturbance.
      The
      "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed
      almost
      300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and
      Muhammad Ali too.

      Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape
      artist-probably better than Houdini."

      The giant nodded.

      "If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how
      strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why
      don't
      you
      see just how quickly you can break out of them?"

      Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.
      "I can't get out of these," the giant growled.

      "Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he
      replied. "I can't do it."

      "In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."




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      Flu Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      (Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by a
      well-meaning
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      Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control.
      Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned.
      Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches.
      Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around six.

      Tuesday A.M.
      Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the frig. Hope you got back to
      sleep.
      Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses?
      The school might call you about this. Dinner may be a little late.
      I'm doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research.
      Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.

      Wednesday A.M.
      Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap
      powder in the flour canister!
      If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for
      Chris's missing shoes?
      We've checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and
      wood
      box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers?
      There's some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer.
      Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking
      house.

      Thursday A.M.
      Doris: Don't panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9
      P.M.
      Will finish laundry tonight.
      Please pencil in answers to following:
      1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal?
      2. How do you turn off the milkman?
      3. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
      4. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small
      boy's hand?
      5. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when
      you
      open the door?
      I don't know what you're having for lunch! Surprise me!

      Friday A.M.
      Hey: Don't drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink
      dress shirt to original white.
      Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and
      the dinner on time. ..... I called your mother. Have a great day.!!


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      Frog Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
      She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

      The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
      you three wishes."

      The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
      to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

      Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

      The woman said, "That's okay."

      For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the
      world.

      The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make
      your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women
      will flock to".

      The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
      Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

      So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

      For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

      The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the
      world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

      The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's
      his is mine."

      So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

      The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd
      like a mild heart attack."

      Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don 't mess with them.

      Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
      here and continue feeling good.



      Male readers : Please scroll down.

      ..
      ..
      ..
      ..
      ...
      ..
      ..
      ..
      ..
      The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife

      Moral of the story: Women think they're smart.
      Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

      PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
      show that women never listen !!!

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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Short Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      At a wedding ceremony that I was performing, I raised my hand to give
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      final blessing.

      The bride misunderstood my gesture and surprised me with a high-five.

      Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered him a high-five, too.

      I was finally able to get my blessing in, amid the laughter of the
      guests.


      A plump gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant
      and topped it off with some rare Napoleon brandy, then he
      summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly,
      "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because
      I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the gutter like
      a veritable bum ?"

      "I'm very sorry, sir." began the contrite headwaiter.

      "Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "But I'm afraid
      I'll have to trouble you again."


      A woman, her husband, and their three rambunctious young sons were in
      their car waiting at a traffic. The woman glanced over at the car
      next them, noticing a blissfully happy mother with her baby
      daughter.

      Looking at her husband she said, "As soon as I lose my weight from
      the last baby, I want to try for a daughter."

      The husband reached up to the dash, grabbed an open box of snacks,
      and said, "Here, have another cookie."

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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      Riddle Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      Toon Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Limerick Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      An astronomer slept in the sun,
      Then woke with his fly quite undone.
      He remarked, with a smile,
      "Hoorah! A sundial!
      And it's now a quarter past one."
      _____________________________________

      There once was a girl named Irene,
      Who lived on distilled kerosene.
      But she started absorbin'
      A new hydrocarbon,
      And since then has never benzene!
      <snagged from Stan>
      _____________________________________

      You had better look out when you pluck
      Four leaf clovers, or else you'll be stuck.
      Poison ivy or oak
      On your skin is no joke.
      You'll end up with a rash of good luck.
      (Kirk Miller)

      Ross


      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Parting Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      A man won a turkey in a raffle and brought it home, but his wife was
      annoyed "Who wants the bother of plucking it?" she said.

      "If that's the way you feel," he replied, "I'll pluck it and cook it
      myself."

      So he busied himself plucking it and when he was finally through, he
      trussed it and put it in the oven. But he forgot to light the gas.
      After
      washing up, he settled down to read. Half an hour later he heard a
      muffled voice say, "What are you going to do about it?"

      Without taking his eyes off the newspaper, he said, "Do about what?"

      The voice answered, "I'm getting cold. Either put my feathers back or
      light the gas!"

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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Bonus Chip
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Walking along the beach, John tripped over a half buried kerosene
      lantern.
      He rubbed its side and, sure enough, a genie materialized. "I can't
      grant
      your wishes," explained the freed spirit, "But I'll give you
      Three gifts for releasing me: a potion to cure ill health, a very
      large
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      afternoon,
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      When John returned home from work the next evening, he
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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Katie's Komfort Kolumn
      Vol 1041

      The Question

      BJ: Rudy we need to visit.

      Rudy: Sure pops.

      BJ: Err how do you, err what do you think of Sandi?

      Rudy: Oh she is one heck of a friend. I don't know what
      I would do without her.

      BJ: Friend huh?

      Rudy: Well more than that I guess. A sister.

      BJ: Gulp! Not exactly what I was looking for.

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      than a sister, but I am just too shy to say anything if you know
      what I mean.

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      Rudy: I wouldn't want to lose my best buddy.

      BJ: You might gain more than you think.

      Rudy: You think?

      BJ: Yeah, I think.

      Rudy: Gulp!
      Look my knees are shaking.

      BJ: You got it bad son.

      To be continued
      The Herd in Guthrie

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

      *********************************************

      Remember 9/11/01



      Regarding any problems unsubscribing from this mailing list

      In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:

      William Brabant
      711 Pine Street Apt.1
      Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
    • William Brabant
      Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. VETERANS DAY, 2009 - - - - - - - BY THE PRESIDENT
      Message 348 of 348 , Nov 11, 2009
      • 0 Attachment
        Clean Clean


        Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
        name is Buffalo and I have the watch.



        VETERANS DAY, 2009
        - - - - - - -
        BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

        A PROCLAMATION

        We have a sacred trust with those who wear the uniform of the United
        States of America. From the Minutemen who stood watch over Lexington
        and Concord to the service members who served in Iraq and
        Afghanistan, American veterans deserve our deepest appreciation and
        respect. Our Nation's servicemen and women are our best and
        brightest, enlisting in times of peace and war, serving with honor
        under the most difficult circumstances, and making sacrifices that
        many of us cannot begin to imagine. Today, we reflect upon the
        invaluable contributions of our country's veterans and reaffirm our
        commitment to provide them and their families with the essential
        support they were promised and have earned.

        Caring for our veterans is more than a way of thanking them for
        their service. It is an obligation to our fellow citizens who have
        risked their lives to defend our freedom. This selflessness binds
        our fates with theirs, and recognizing those who were willing to
        give their last full measure of devotion for us is a debt of honor
        for every American.

        We also pay tribute to all who have worn the uniform and continue to
        serve their country as civilians. Many veterans act as coaches,
        teachers, and mentors in their communities, selflessly volunteering
        their time and expertise. They visit schools to tell our Nation's
        students of their experiences and help counsel our troops returning
        from the theater of war. These men and women possess an unwavering
        belief in the idea of America: no matter where you come from, what
        you look like, or who your parents are, this is a place where
        anything is possible. Our veterans continue to stand up for those
        timeless American ideals of liberty, self-determination, and equal
        opportunity.

        On Veterans Day, we honor the heroes we have lost, and we rededicate
        ourselves to the next generation of veterans by supporting our
        Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, Marines, and Coast Guardsmen as they
        return home from duty. Our grateful Nation must keep our solemn
        promises to these brave men and women and their families. They have
        given their unwavering devotion to the American people, and we must
        keep our covenant with them.

        With respect for and in recognition of the contributions our
        servicemen and women have made to the cause of peace and freedom
        around the world, the Congress has provided (5 U.S.C. 6103(a)) that
        November 11 of each year shall be set aside as a legal public
        holiday to honor our Nation's veterans.

        NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of
        America, do hereby proclaim November 11, 2009, as Veterans Day. I
        encourage all Americans to recognize the valor and sacrifice of our
        veterans through appropriate public ceremonies and private prayers.
        I call upon Federal, State, and local officials to display the flag
        of the United States and to participate in patriotic activities in
        their communities. I call on all Americans, including civic and
        fraternal organizations, places of worship, schools, and communities
        to support this day with commemorative expressions and programs.

        IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this thirtieth day
        of October, in the year of our Lord two thousand nine, and of the
        Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and
        thirty-fourth.

        BARACK OBAMA

        buffalo says All in all not a bad speech. Veteran's Day is hitting a
        little closer to home this year as local units are stationed in
        Afghanistan and we have had two local soldiers killed in action.

        Please keep Nancy in your prayers as surgery to remove a brain
        tumor is tomorrow.

        buffalo


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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Jewish Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        The year is 2012 and the United States of America has
        recently elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish
        President, Ms. Shirley Vineberg.

        So the President-elect calls up her mother in Brooklyn a
        few weeks after Election Day.

        "So ma, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

        "I don't think so. It's a six hour drive, and your father isn't as
        young as he used to be, and my gout is acting up again."

        "Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up
        and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

        "I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy; I don't know what
        on Earth I would wear."

        "Oh mom," replies Susan, "Don't worry about it. I'll make
        sure you have some wonderful dresses by Christian Dior."

        "Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich
        foods you and your friends like to eat."

        The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is
        going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the
        way. Mom, please, I want you to come."

        So Mom agrees and so on January 21, 2013, Shirley Vineberg
        is being sworn in as President of the United States of America.

        In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to
        a Senator sitting next to her; "You see that woman over there with
        her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?"

        The Senator whispers back, "Yes I do."

        "Her brother's a famous doctor."


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait

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        Are You Nearsighted?
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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Riddle Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        What do you get if you cross a car and a pig?
        A road hog

        What do you get when you cross a fish with two elephants?
        Swimming trunks.

        Why was the cat a tennis fan?
        He had two brothers in the racket.

        What do you call a Chinese man with green hair?
        Brock Lee.

        Where in the world should one go to meet with a girl from another
        country for the purpose of going out?
        At the International Date Line (Clynch Varnadore)

        Why did the moron put a chicken in a tub of hot water?
        So she'd lay hard-boiled eggs.


        Stan Kegel

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Cat Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Have You Heard About These Cats?

        Have you heard about the tailor who let his cat out, the firefighter
        who put her cat out, and the private eye who put a tail on a Manx?

        Have you heard about the cat who entertained herself with some wool?
        After a while, she had a ball.

        Have you heard what happened when she swallowed that ball? She had
        mittens. All her offspring were born wearing sweaters.

        I hope you found this yarn to be a fine example of knit-wit. Here
        are some other cats that you might have heard about:

        Have you heard about . . .

        . the angry cat? She threw a hissy fit.

        . the grumpy cat? He was a sour puss.

        . the curious cat? He was a peeping tom.

        . the silent cat? She was the victim of a purr snatcher.

        . the psychic cat? He was adopted from the E.S.P.C.A.

        . the sensitive cat? She cried over spilt milk.

        . the dyslexic cat? He cried, "Woem, weom!"

        . the cat who had eight kittens? She was an octopus.

        . the cowardly felines? Their names were Scaredy and Fraidy.

        . the cat who swallowed a duck? He was a down-in-the-mouth,
        duck-filled fatty puss.

        . the cat who had a hair ball? She couldn't hack it.

        . the cat who was a comedian? His name was Groucho Manx.

        . the old cat who became forgetful and stopped making any
        sounds? She developed a purr-senility disorder.

        . the golf-playing cat? Even without a catty he consistently
        scored fur under purr.

        . the adolescent cat? She pleaded with her parents, "Why don't
        you let me lead one of my own lives?"

        . the cat who liked to lounge around the stereo? He hoped to
        catch the tweeter for lunch, unless the woofer got him first.

        . the cat who got hurt? She whimpered, "Me ow!"

        . the cat who was walking the beach on Christmas Eve? He had
        Sandy Claws.

        . the cat who ate some cheese and then sat by a mousehole? She
        waited with baited breath.

        . the radioactive cat? He had eighteen half-lives.

        . the cat who chased a mouse through the screen door? They
        both strained themselves.

        . the cat who robbed McDonald's and Wendy's? She was a cat
        burgerlar.

        . the cat named Ben Hur? It used to be called Ben, until it
        had kittens.

        . the cat who caught a bird? He enjoyed a breakfast of
        shredded tweet.

        . the fast cat? She put quicksand in her litter box.

        . the cat who tried to find out why his humans forgot to place
        cat litter in his box? He didn't have anything to go on.

        . the teeny-tiny cat? She drank only condensed milk.

        . the cat who loved to bowl? He was an alley cat.

        . the alley cat who married a chicken? They had a peeping tom.

        . the cat who married a tree? They had a catalog.

        . the cat who climbed the drapes? She had good claws to do it
        - and she started from scratch.

        . the cat with chutzpah? He was a pushy cat.

        . the cat who swallowed a bag of coins? There was money in
        that kitty.

        . the obese, ill-tempered, talkative cat? He was a flabby,
        crabby, gabby tabby.

        . the mother cat looking for her straying kittens? Like a
        poet, she listened for their mews.

        . the feline who impeded the iceman's work? The cat got his
        tong.

        . the baby cat who joined the Red Cross? She wanted to be a
        first-aid kit.

        . the two cats who raced each other to the milk bowl? One beat
        the other by a lap.

        . the kindle of cats named Johann Christian, Wilhelm
        Friedemann, Johann Sebastian, and Carl Philipp Emanuel? They were
        all born in a litter Bachs.

        . the man who was afraid of cats? He had catatonia,
        clawstrophobia, and purranoia.

        . the woman who refused to spay and neuter her cats? She was
        arrested for kitty littering.

        . the man who saw a sign at a pet store that said "Free Cats"?
        So he went in and did.

        . the unemployed cat burglar from Nepal? What else can a
        Katmandu? (By Richard Lederer)


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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Short Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        A teenager was always asking his father if he could borrow the
        family car. Pushed to the limit, the father asked his son why he
        thought "The Almighty" had given him two feet. Without hesitation,
        the son replied, "That's easy, one for the brake and one for the
        accelator."

        ~~

        Showing his friend around his home, Fred started to point out all of
        the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years
        of marriage. "The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece
        we've got just to see how much it's all worth." "But you couldn't
        possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you
        sell it."
        "Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"

        ~~~~~~

        The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been
        served in a backwoods eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning,
        but two of the spots were suspicious. "Hey," he called out to the
        waitress, "these particles in my soup - aren't they foreign
        objects?" She is scrutinizing his bowl. "No, sir!" she reassured
        him. "Those things live around here."

        ~~~

        "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "Would you be so kind as to
        help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?
        All I have in the world is this gun."

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        This Holiday Season be a hit and steal the show with the Amazing
        Flying Monkey!

        Kids will be putting their expensive toys aside just to play with
        it, you'll see. The fun is contagious!

        You can't put them down. Everyone wants to fly them!

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Short Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        My three-year old daughter was talking to me while I shaved. The
        topic was cartoons, television and reality. She was going into great
        detail about the characters in the Dragon Tales cartoon. When she
        finished I said, "Honey, are cartoons real?" "No." was her brief
        reply. "Is TV real?" I said looking at her. "No." "I'm glad you know
        those things aren't real," I said patting her head. "You know what's
        real?" she asked wide-eyed. "You tell me." "Monsters are real!" she
        said walking out. "No they're not!" I called after her. "Yes they
        are!" "No they're not!" "Yes they are!" "No, honey," I said. "Those
        scary things that occasionally come into our house is only Mommy's
        family..."
        -------------------------------------
        My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for
        protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told
        her, "He doesn't like men." "Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and
        took the dog. Then one day she was approached by two men in a
        parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would
        react. Soon it became clear the the trainer wasn't kidding. As the
        men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.
        --------------------------------------
        The old lady had been married for many years when suddenly her
        husband died. This is what she put on his tombstone: "The Light of
        My Life Has Gone Out." Not long afterward she met, fell in love with
        and married another man. After thinking at some length about it, she
        went to the gravestone cutter and had him add a little postscript.
        The tombstone now
        reads: "The Light of My Life Has Gone out P.S. I Found A Match"


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Random Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending
        fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him
        carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his
        eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his
        eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

        "Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."
        ---------------------------------
        I dialed a wrong number and got the following recording:
        "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring
        enough to call. I am making some changes in my life.
        Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return
        your call, you are one of the changes."
        -----------------------------------
        Recently we called a business phone number and heard the
        following: If you are calling from a touch-tone phone,
        press one now. If you are calling from a rotary phone,
        hang up and call back from a touch-tone phone.
        ----------------------------
        Heard on my cable-company's answering machine: We realize
        you are still holding. Please do not hang up as this will further
        delay your call.
        ------------------------------
        When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the
        psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your
        problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very
        beginning." "Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I
        created the Heavens and the Earth..."

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        LynnLynn's Links
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
        e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@...

        *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
        Subscribers and Friends

        Melva/GI Joe and Lillie
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        Humor With Our Troops 3
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        *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+


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        Movie Links

        Ollie
        http://www.buffaloschips.com/jhg.htm

        Parrot Plays Golf
        http://www.buffaloschips.com/hgrf.htm

        Pepsi Please
        http://www.buffaloschips.com/uyr.htm

        Pilobolus
        http://www.buffaloschips.com/fer.htm

        Ponies
        http://www.buffaloschips.com/tred.htm


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Europe Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




        The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
        English will be the official language of the European Union rather
        than German, which was the other possibility.

        As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
        English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-

        year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

        In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this
        will
        make the sivil servants jump with joy.

        The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up
        konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

        There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
        troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words
        like
        fotograf 20% shorter.

        In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
        expekted
        to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

        Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
        always ben a deterent to akurate speling..

        Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the
        languag
        is disgrasful and it should go away.

        By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
        "th"
        with "z" and "w"with "v".

        During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
        kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl
        riten styl.

        Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu

        understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

        Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted
        in
        ze forst plas.

        If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

        Stan Kegel

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Toon Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Think First
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        The First Lincoln Log
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        Where 2% Milk Comes From
        http://www.buffaloschips.com/tfggh.htm


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Don't just Mask Odors, Eliminate them for Good

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Short Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son's
        room, a mother finally laid down the law: Each item of clothing she
        had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents. By the end of the week,
        he owed her $1.50. She received the money promptly, along with a 50
        cent tip and a note that read, "Thanks, Mom -- Keep up the good
        work!"
        ----------------------------------------
        While standing watch in the Coast Guard station in
        Juneau, Alaska, I got a call from the Navy in the
        nearby city of Adak. They'd lost contact with one
        of their planes and needed the Coast Guard to send
        an aircraft to find it.
        I asked the man where the Navy aircraft had last been
        spotted so we would know where to search.
        "I can't tell you," the Navy man said. "That's classified."
        -------------------------------------
        Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friends house.
        Knowing his sweet tooth Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes
        and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake." "No,"
        replied Tommy, "but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could
        make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without me
        asking."

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Gloves that Help Carpal Tunnel, Chronic Pain & Arthritis

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Parting Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



        There was a nun named Sister Mary who, though she tried and tried,
        could never please the Mother Superior.

        One day she decided to chop some wood and build a fire in the
        fireplace to heat the place up, since it was starting to get cold.
        Perhaps that would impress the Mother.

        She spent all day chopping, hauling and stacking wood. Subsequently,
        she wound up shredding the sleeves of her habit.

        That night, as the other nuns came into the rectory, they were
        delighted to find the place warm and cozy, with a big fire roaring
        in the fireplace.

        Mother Superior came in. Sister Mary was prepared for the usual
        criticism, but instead, the Mother commended her. "You did a good
        job. This place is nice and toasty warm. Thank you," she said as she
        placed a hand on Sister Mary's shoulder.

        Sister Mary was speechless. All she could do was hold up her arms
        with the torn sleeves and say, "But look what happened!"

        "You did this chopping wood?" the Mother asked.

        "Yes," the Sister replied. "What do I do?"

        Mother Superior replied, "Simple. When you ax, then you shall re-
        sleeve."


        Stan Kegel


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        In 2009, Derek Jeter made baseball history and we're honoring him on
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        View Website

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Bonus Chip
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Priest and Pastor

        A priest and pastor from the local parishes were standing by the
        side of
        the road holding up a sign that read, "The End is Near! Turn
        yourself
        around now before it's too late!"

        They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. As the first
        driver sped past, he yelled, "Leave us alone...we don't believe in
        that
        religious stuff!"

        From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

        One clergyman said to the other, "Do you think we should just put up
        a
        sign that says, 'Bridge Out' instead?"

        JSH


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Turbo Snake is the fastest and easiest way to unclog any drain in
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        the specially designed hooks grab onto the hair and gunk to remove
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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Katie's Komfort Kolumn
        Vol 1519

        Walking and Crisis

        Diana: Okay guys let's go for our walk!

        Rudy: A-Roo!!!

        The dogs and Diana head off for their walk as usual. As they
        approach
        the lake, the dogs head for the lake. Sandi just wades in, but Rudy
        and Katie go swimming. Katie goes in to her head and swims out
        quite a ways. On her way back to shore she walks through some
        weeds and gets some stickers on her and gets one deeply imbedded
        in her ear and immediately suffers some harsh pain.

        Rudy, Sandi and Diana are walking past her.

        Katie is down: Help....

        They are leaving, her voice is weak....

        Rudy, always the point man, circles around to take a head count.

        Rudy: Stop!!! We are missing Katie.

        Diana turns and looks back and sees Katie slowly, staggeringly
        walking
        towards them. She gets her cell phone and calls BJ.

        BJ: Yes.

        Diana: Come get Katie, she is either hurt or ill.

        BJ: On my way!

        A few minutes later...

        BJ opens the car door: Come on girl hop in.

        Katie: Sure glad to see you father.

        At the house..

        BJ: Diana, call the vet when they open and take our little girl in
        and call me at work to let me know what happened.

        much later...

        Diana calls BJ:

        Diana: She had to be put out. She had a sticker in her eardrum.
        She
        was a sick girl, but will be okay. She will be on meds for 10 days.

        Katie: More ice cream please!

        The herd in Guthrie

        (except for the ice cream, pretty much how it happened)

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

        *********************************************

        Remember 9/11/01



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