Clean Chips For Sun
- Clean Clean
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Rather that relate one of my old pranks, here is one from my friend,
This April Fool's prank was pulled off by my grandfather when my dad
was a kid. It has been handed down through the generations ever
since...in lore only though. No one has had the guts yet to try it
again (or the expertise, for that matter). Let me start by noting
that my grandfather was a retired orthopedic surgeon.
Well, here it is in all of its classic simplicity...
One fine April Fool's day (or probably the night before while he was
on call...) my grandfather took a large box of chocolates (the really
good kind, not those cheapies that taste like wax ). With a
scalpel he carefully cut the bottoms out of all of the chocolates in
the box. He then set the bottoms aside and proceeded to scoop the
insides out of each and every chocolate in the box. He then refilled
each chocolate with a large cotton ball and carefully grafted the
bottoms back on each chocolate and then innocently set the chocolates
out on a table where he knew that every kid in the house (there were
5) would try to sneak a chocolate without letting Mom or Dad catch
IT'S NOT NICE TO MESS WITH CHOCOLATE ! lol
buffalo says I got woke up this morning by some little girl
buzzing the door bell and then running off. Never seen her
before just like the little kid that slashed two of my tires a
few years ago and he was only seven years old. Hope
you have a safe but humorous April Fool's Day.
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Searching the Internet for stuff can really be aggravating. You might get
what you're looking for, or you might not. But you know you'll get at least
1 million extraneous items.
Believe it or not, search used to be worse. It was tough to find much of
anything until the mid-90s.
Then, around the year 2000, Google came along. This search engine was really
a great achievement. People have long wondered how they do it.
Well, Google has lifted the curtains. It's not a bank of powerful computers.
Nor is it a handful of clever algorithms.
Amazingly, Google does it with a large flock of pigeons. The company calls
its search technology PigeonRank. Pigeons can find the smallest differences
between things, including Web pages. When you enter a search term, they
instantly find the page you want.
Google explains this on its site. And, by the way, happy April Fool's Day.
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
Michael Jordans House
A little dab will do ya....
Remove That Mole
Get Rid Of My Husband
There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every
moment of it..
He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did.
Various attempts were made to do something about the child.
One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much
noise, perforate his eardrums.
This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a
scientist nor a scholar.
A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and
should be carried out only on special occasions.
The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears.
A fourth gave the boy a book.
A fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling
anger through biofeedback.
A sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and
None of these attempts worked.
Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation.
He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and
asked, "I wonder what is INSIDE the drum?"
No more problem.
(This is SO true of little boys...my son took apart EVERYTHING !)
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Did you hear about the crossword puzzle addict who died and was buried
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"Presidnet Bush woke up this morning, saw his shadow, and now -- 6 more
weeks of vacation." ~Jay Leno
Soon after my 16-year-old sister started working after school as a
grocery-store cashier, I went to see how she was doing.
I tried to make myself inconspicuous as I waited to check out my
purchases. Ahead of me was a young man who was flirting with my sister.
Both embarrassed and amused by his advances, she continued to ring up
his groceries. Finally the persistent fellow ventured,
"Would you like to go out to dinner with me tonight?"
Oblivious to his questions and adhering to her employee training, she
"How will you be paying?"
Q. What's the easist way to count a herd of cattle?
A. Use a cowculator.
A pun. .
King Ozymndias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war
with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the
Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he
went to Crosus, the pawnbroker, to get a loan.
Crosus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. Don't you know
who I am? I am the king!"
"When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
"Summer's lease hath all too short a date."
A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing
gently, the birds are singing, and...... the lawnmower is broken. ~J.
Q. Why do blondes leave empty milk cartons in their refrigerator?
A. In case someone wants black coffee.
One way to stop a run-away horse is to bet on him.
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A butt was a barrel. Scuttle meant to chop a hole in something. The
scuttlebutt was a water barrel with a hole cut into it so that sailors
reach in and dip out drinking water. The scuttlebutt was the place where
ship's gossip was exchanged.
Garbling was the prohibited practice of mixing rubbish with the cargo. A
distorted, mixed up message was said to be garbled.
No Great Shakes -
When casks became empty they were "shaken" (taken apart) so the pieces,
called shakes, could be stored in a small space. Shakes had very little
A large sail used only for sailing downwind and requiring rather little
Start Over with a Clean Slate -
A slate tablet was kept near the helm on which the watch keeper would
the speeds, distances, headings and tacks during the watch. If there
problems during the watch, the slate would be wiped clean so that the
watch could start over with a clean slate
Let the Cat Out of the Bag -
In the Royal Navy the punishment prescribed for most serious crimes was
flogging. This was administered by the Bosun's Mate using a whip called
cat o' nine tails. The "cat" was kept in a leather or baize bag. It was
considered bad news indeed when the cat was let out of the bag. Other
sources attribute the expression to the old english market scam of
someone a pig in a poke (bag) when the pig turned out to be a cat
Taking the wind out of his sails -
Sailing in a manner so as to steal or divert wind from another ship's
Son of a Gun -
When in port, and with the crew restricted to the ship for any extended
period of time, wives and ladies of easy virtue often were allowed to
aboard along with the crew. Infrequently, but not uncommonly, children
born aboard, and a convenient place for this was between guns on the gun
deck. If the child's father was unknown, they were entered in the ship's
as "son of a gun".
A Square Meal -
In good weather, crews' mess was a warm meal served on square wooden
The Devil to Pay -
To pay the deck seams meant to seal them with tar. The devil seam was
most difficult to pay because it was curved and intersected with the
straight deck planking. Some sources define the "devil" as the
below-the-waterline-seam between the keel and the adjoining planking.
the Devil was considered to be a most difficult and unpleasant task.
Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea -
The devil seam was the curved seam in the deck planking closest to the
of the ship and next to the scupper gutters. If a sailor slipped on the
deck, he could find himself between the devil and the deep blue sea.
Above Board -
Anything on or above the open deck. If something is open and in plain
it is above board.
Under the Weather -
If a crewman is standing watch on the weather side of the bow, he will
subject to the constant beating of the sea and the ocean spray. He will
under the weather.
Slush Fund -
A slushy slurry of fat was obtained by boiling or scraping the empty
meat storage barrels. This stuff called "slush" was often sold ashore by
ship's cook for the benefit of himself or the crew. The money so derived
became known as a slush fund.
Toe the Line -
When called to line up at attention, the ship's crew would form up with
their toes touching a seam in the deck planking.
The Bitter End -
The end of an anchor cable is fastened to the bitts at the ship's bow.
all of the anchor cable has been payed out you have come to the bitter
Pipe Down -
Means stop talking and be quiet. The Pipe Down was the last signal from
Bosun's pipe each day which meant "lights out" and "silence".
Pipe Down -
Means stop talking and be quiet. The Pipe Down was the last signal from
Bosun's pipe each day which meant "lights out" and "silence".
The bottom portion of a sail is called the foot. If it is not secured,
footloose and it dances randomly in the wind.
To Know the Ropes -
There were miles and miles of cordage in the rigging of a square rigged
ship. The only way of keeping track of and knowing the function of all
these lines was to know where they were located. It took an experienced
seaman to know the ropes.
Over the Barrel -
The most common method of punishment aboard ship was flogging. The
unfortunate sailor was tied to a grating, mast or over the barrel of a
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An American attorney had just finished a guest
lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian
lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true
that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in
your county and then sue the landowners for
a lot of money?"
Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his
partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian.
When they stopped, the American attorney
asked if they wanted to go to America to practice
"No, no," one replied. "We want to go to America
and fall down on sidewalks."
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Thirteen-year-old Katharine Tuck's sneakers are equal opportunity
offenders. They smell as bad as they look. Now, the Utah seventh grader
is $2,500 richer because of it: On Tuesday, she out-ranked six other
children to win the 32nd annual National Odor-Eaters Rotten Sneaker
Contest, stinking up the joint with a pair of well-worn 1 1/2-year-old
Nikes so noxious they had the judges wincing.
"I'm so proud of the little stinker," said her mother, Paula Tuck.
Ah, the foul smell of success.
The contest, which was founded in 1975 as a sporting good store
promotion and is now sponsored by the manufacturer of anti-foot odor
products, pits children from around the nation who have won state-level
competitions for the generally cruddy condition of their footwear.
Kyle Underwood, 9, was in from Las Cruces, N.M., with his low-cut black
Starters, the ones with the blown-out toe on the right foot. "These are
bad," sighed judge Andy Brewer. "Ooh, these are really bad."
Michael Nduka, 9, of White Plains, N.Y., was there, too, with his ratty
black-and-white low-cuts, which - like the others - were passed from
judge to judge for inspection. Judge William Fraser, who is Montpelier's
city manager, held one up using the tip of a pen, like a crime scene
investigator trying not to taint the evidence.
Eleven-year-old Alex Clark's sneakers had tape over the holes in the
toes, and the instep of one was blown out. When judge George Aldrich
took a whiff, he coughed and then handed the sneaker back to Clark. "I
saw you flinch," Aldrich said to him.
"As a parent, you want to hide," said Kathy Midgley, 48, of Berkeley
Heights, N.J., who was there to watch her 8-year-old son compete.
Clad in Odor-Eaters baseball caps and Odor-Eaters T-shirts, each
contestant had to jump in place once and then make one full turn in
place before taking off his or her shoes and handing them to the judges.
It was 24 degrees outside, but only one of them wore socks - since
foot sweat is a boon not a bane in this game.
Odor-Eaters paid to fly eight contestants - each with a parent - to
Vermont, but not all arrived on time. Devin Koivisto, 12, of Phoenix,
didn't make it due to travel complications.
Tuck almost didn't, either: Her flight to Newark, N.J., was delayed,
forcing she and her father to miss a connecting flight to Vermont. They
drove the rest of the way, but their luggage still hadn't arrived
But her mother had the foresight to warn Tuck not to ship her prized
shoes in her checked baggage, lest it get lost en route.
Mercifully for airport security screeners, she didn't wear them, either,
opting to carry them in her purse.
For these sneakers, the smell was only the half of it. Ripped on the
right toe, with red and yellow duct tape holding one together and frayed
laces on both, they looked like something from a landfill.
She has used them to play soccer, basketball and other sports, hiked in
them and waded into the Great Salt Lake, where they became infiltrated
with brine shrimp.
"People ask me why I don't get new ones and why I would enter a contest
like this," she said before the judging started.
Once it did, she called her mother on a cell phone and kept the line
open so Mom could listen in. Once Fraser got a look - and a whiff -
of Tuck's Nikes, he took the phone from her. "Do you actually let her
wear these in public?" he asked her mother.
After the judges' decision was announced, Tuck shyly granted interviews.
Was she proud? "Yeah, I guess."
"She's going to put this on her first job application," said her father,
"I am?" she said.
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I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess.
He asked if I'd been 'computering',
And I had to answer "yes."
He told me to get off my fanny!
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.
I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick...
I was just admiring my work...
I didn't mean to 'click.'
But click, I did, and oops I found
A real absorbing site
That I got SO way into...
I was into it all night. (Sigh)
Nothing's changed except my mouse
It's very, very shiny.
I guess my house will stay a mess...
While I sit here on my hiney.
<Snagged from Nancy by>
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<> In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation for
Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact the local ACLU about
the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations
afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while the
atheists had no holiday to celebrate.
<> The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the cause of
the godless and assigned their sharpest attorneys to the case. <> The
case was brought before a wise judge who after listening to the long,
passionate presentation of the ACLU lawyers, promptly banged his gavel
and declared, "Case dismissed!"
<> The lead ACLU lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and
said, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? Surely the
Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances.
And the Jews--why, in addition to Passover they have Yom Kippur and
Hanukkah .and yet my client and all other atheists have no such
<> The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, "Obviously
your client is too confused to know about, or for that matter, even
celebrate the atheists' holiday!"
<> The ACLU lawyer pompously said "We
are aware of no such holiday for atheists, just when might that be, your
<> The judge said "Well it comes every year on exactly the same
date--- April 1st!"
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Jack's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found
his two-year old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little
girl's grip and said comfortingly to Jack, "There, there. She didn't
mean it. She doesn't know that hurts."
She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing
back in, she asked, "What happened?"
"She knows now," Jack replied.
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Well, my wife hates fishing.
Doesn't understand it a bit. If she even thinks about me fishing,
she gets red in the face and starts shouting, "How can a full
grown man take pleasure in shoving a piece of metal through the
mouth of a living creature?".
She won't even eat fish.
However, she doesn't mind if I go play poker.
I was able to use this to my advantage one time (and one time
I wanted to go fishing on the half-day boat, which goes out to
apart of the kelp beds off the coast of San Diego. The beds are
marked with floats which are anchored to the bottom of the ocean,
so that boaters won't go into the beds and snarl their screws.
I hit upon the perfect idea and told her I was going out. She
assumed I was going to play poker, so she was pretty upset when
I came back smelling like fish.
"Where have you been?" she started, "I told you I don't like you
"Honey," I responded, "I told you where I was going and you said
that was no problem and I should have a good time!"
She started screaming, "What? You said you were going out with
"No!" I answered, managing not to smile, "I said I was 'going out
with the buoys"
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
BJ and Diana are a part of group
The Grandmas and the Grandpas that are
singing at the American Legion this weekend.
Taking much liberty with the actual event.
Diana: It is about time you arrived BJ.
BJ: I have to work for a living you know.
DIana: We go on after this next group.
BJ: Okay were are the others?
Diana: Err-ah they couldn't make it.
BJ: How can we perform with just two of us?
Diana: Don't worry. You just sing 'My Girl'
I have the rest of the backup group here.
Diana: We are on. Let's go onstage.
BJ looks at the band...Ginger on drums,
Sandi on Guitar, Rudy dressed in his Elvis
Costume and Katie dressed like Diana join
in...singing 'My Girl'...
The crowd eats it up...
Sly does a great job playing the sax.
Roses are tossed onto the stage ..... along with
BJ: Let's get out of here while we can.
Katie: No encores?
Rudy: No, this group is at bit long in the tooth.
Diana: Good thing their earing aids are turned down.
The herd in Guthrie
Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean
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- My name is buffalo and I have the watch.
Eleven years ago, I lost one of the few cats
that ever became attached to. I still swear that
she never left as late at night, out of the corner
of my eye as I was working on the chips, I could
see a flash of her tabby colors as she jumped up
on the workstation to talk to me. We have had a lot
of cats and even a few dogs spend som time here
while PAWS found their owners or permanent homes
but none will ever be a Picky. Here is her story.
One of the first cats we took in was a female tabby of unknown age.
Buffy was in charge of naming the animals and because of her choice of
diet, she was named Miss Picky Jane . She had been found near a farm
several miles away and once word of mouth gets out that you will take
animals in, people find you. She must have had a rough life as she had
had her hips injured at one time and didn't like to be handled roughly
or have people touch her tail.
Picky was definitely a people cat though and she waited by the door to
greet each person as they came up with a friendly meow and would settle
into their lap the minute they sat down. Everyone in the neighborhood
knew her because she would talk to them as they came up to the door or
walked down the sidewalk. She loved being outside and dreaded the days
of winter and would go out on the porch during a thaw and stare at the
snow with a disgusted look on her face, mad at nature for spoiling her
fun. She knew my car and as I pulled up she would run up and let me set
her on my shoulder and we would go into the house like that till we got
to the couch and then she would hop off. Years went by and though she
had some physical changes her likes and dislikes never changed. Her
favorite foods were Whiskas in the morning and whatever I was eating at
supper . I would get her a saucer and put some of my meal on it for her.
At nighttime she liked to have a little ice cream, the soupy part was
fine with her. Then at bedtime the minute the lights were out she was
there for a little affection before she left to guard the house from
stray dogs , chipmunks, and bad cats.
I estimate her age as having been around 16-17 years old and the last
year was hard on her she had lost her hearing and was losing weight and
finally during the last week she was unsteady on her feet and stopped
eating. Buffy took her out to the vet Wed and their diagnosis was kidney
failure and congestive heart failure from old age. I asked them to do
some blood work but she passed away Wed night at the animal hospital. I
felt bad that she had not died at home with us but I had to take a
chance that they could do something. I picked her up and with a prayer
of thanks for the many years she had spent with us I buried her beside
the porch where she had greeted so many over the years.
Enjoy the chips... buff
A 50-something year old Muslim man arrived at his seat on a crowded flight
and immediately didn't want the seat. The seat was next to an elderly white
woman reading her Bible.
Disgusted, the Muslim man immediately summoned the flight attendant and
demanded a new seat. The man said "I cannot sit here next to this infidel."
The flight attendant said "Let me see if I can find another seat."
After checking, the flight attendant returned and stated "There are no
more seats in economy, but I will check with the captain and see if there
is something in first class."
About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and stated "The
captain has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy, but there is
one in first class. It is our company policy to never move a person from
economy to first class, but, being that it would be some sort of scandal to
force a person to sit next to an UNPLEASANT person, the captain agreed to
make the switch to first class."
Before the irate Muslim man could say anything, the attendant gestured to
the elderly woman and said, "Therefore, maam, if you would so kindly
retrieve your personal items, we would like to move you to the comfort of
first class as the captain doesn't want you to sit next to an unpleasant
Passengers in the seats nearby began to applaud while some gave a standing
Be Careful, Your Sins May Find You Out.
Have you ever told a white lie? Then you are
going to love this. For all ladies who bake for
church events . . .
Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies'
group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the
last minute. She baked an angel food cake and
when she took it from the oven, the center had
She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another
cake." So, she looked around the house for
something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found
it in the bathroom, a small roll of toilet paper. She
plunked it into the middle of the cake and then
covered it with icing.
The finished product looked beautiful, so she
rushed it to the church. Alice then gave her daughter
some money and instructions to be at the
sale the minute it opened and to buy that cake and
bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale,
the attractive cake had already been sold.
Alice was beside herself. A couple of days later,
Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables
of bridge were to be played that afternoon. After the
game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off,
the cake in question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair
to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it,
but before she could get to her feet, one of the other
ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess
(a prominent church member) say:
"Why thank you; I baked it myself."
Once upon a time in Colorado, the chief of an Indian tribe, the
Navajo's, had a very beautiful daughter. She was of marrying age and
many braves were wanting the daughter's hand in marriage.
Being a wise chief, he decided that he wanted his daughter to marry the
bravest and strongest and wisest brave of the bunch. So he held a
contest. All the eliigible bachelors were to go hunting. The brave that
brought back the biggest and best 'catch' would be given the chief's
daughter in marriage.
Alot of braves turned out for this event. On Monday morning they all set
out, bows and arrows in hand. Tuesday afternoon comes and all the braves
had returned with their killings--except for three: Running Bear,
Sitting Bull, and Falling Rock.
On Wednesday morning, Running Bear finally returns; bringing in a really
big black bear, weighing 480 ponds and is 7 feet in length. Obviously,
the chief was quite impressed. This was the best killing of all....so
far. But, of course, they had to wait for the remaining two before he
could award his daughter to Running Bear.
On Wednesday night, under a full moon, Sitting Bull returns to the camp
and brings back a really big cougar: it's even bigger than the black
bear Running Bear came home with! The cougar weighed 620 pounds and was
7-1/2 feet long. Clearly, Sitting Bull was about to win the chief's
daughter in marriage.
Excitement rose within the camp. Everyone was pretty sure that Falling
Rock would not be able to top Sitting Bull's catch.
Thursday comes and goes. Friday came and went.....Saturday came and
went......The weeks turn into months, and soon, the months into years,
and still....Falling Rock did not return.
It was soon getting obvious, the aging chief could not wait forever for
Falling Rock to return. So he granted his daughter to Sitting Bull.
There was much celebrating, after which the pair lived happily ever
The tribe no longer waited for the wayward brave, but they did keep
their eyes open whenever they rode the trails---just in case.
And today? Well, you will still see in Colorado those signs that say...
"Watch for Falling Rock".
A Southern Baptist preacher was preparing to have a Lord's Supper at his
church and, in preparing, he came to the realization that Jesus used
wine, not un-fermented grape juice, at the Last Supper. Since Jesus
used wine, he felt that he should as well. During the sermon he
explained that the church would be using wine for the Lord's Supper and
why. The reaction from most people was neutral or positive, but there
was one lady - a widow who had donated the land the church was built on.
The pastor watched her during the Lord's Supper and noticed that she did
not drink the wine, so he made a pastoral visit to her that after noon.
"Preacher," the widow said, "Alcohol has never passed my lips in 76
years and it isn't going to start now."
The pastor replied: "But you do realize, that Jesus drank wine, don't
"Yes." she said in a bit of a huff. "And I lost a lot of respect for
him when I learned that he drank wine."
Please forgive our lack of a fancy template at the moment and
enjoy these pages from our friends.
Preparing To Meet The Dog
Koala's In A Heatwave!
Ricochet The Surf Dog!
Cute PDF Writer
Congratulating a friend after her son and daughter got married within a
month of each other, a woman asked, "What kind of boy did your daughter
"Oh, he's wonderful," gushed the mother. "He lets her sleep late, wants
her to go to the beauty parlor regularly, and insists on taking her out
to dinner every night."
"That's nice," said the woman. "What about your son?"
"I'm not so happy about that," the mother sighed. "His wife sleeps late,
spends all her time in the beauty parlor, and makes them eat take-out
Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident golfer
said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me."
The caddy suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a 4-iron, then
a wedge, THEN a putt.
The golfer was insulted and proceeded to scream and yell at the caddy
telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how dare he
underestimate his game!
Giving in the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for.
He then proceeded to top the ball and watched as it rolled about fifteen
yards off the front of the tee.
Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for one
heck of a putt..."
"John, I can see that all your buttons are sewed on perfectly. You must
"That's right. Sewing on buttons was the first thing my wife taught me
on our honeymoon."
Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates,
a Father asked the boy how much his last date had cost.
The son calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $15
or so I think."
"Well," said the Father, "I'm proud of you for finally
coming up with an inexpensive evening."
"To be honest Dad," the son went on, "we'd have done more,
but that was all the money she had."
Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune once
his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he
had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few
years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
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