Clean Chips For Mon
- Clean Clean
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Hope everyone is functional and safe after last nights festivities.
Mine consisted of playing with Eva and watching South Park
reruns and then listening to 2007 predictions on Coast to Coast
till early morning as the rain washed all the snow away again.
The following is a plug for a friend's e-book.
I am trying to sell copies of my e-book, "A
Hamper of Havoc' which tells - mostly - of the humorous
side of being a showman performing in medieval arena
shows, and some night club work as a gladiator. Any
copies sold before January 6th will help to pay for
sending my daughter, Kizzimiah, to Tanzania where she
will be working for three months as a volunteer English
I wonder if you able and willing to give it a
little 'plug' in the Chips.
Below is an extract for - hopefully -
your -amusement, which you are free to use either in
whole or in part if you wish, despite the copyright
www.virtualvardo.co.uk is the selling site
The 'Full Knightly Experience'...
After several years of being a devoutly pedestrian
knight - performing all over our green and pleasant
land, and becoming more than adept with a wide range of
weapons - some Bloody Fool (Nigel, Baron Thirlmere, our
Armourer) had to spoil it all by suggesting we learn to
"We could give the audience the Full Knightly
Experience, *and* Add To The Spectacle."
I admit to being less than enthusiastic. My sole
previous experience with horses consisted of a rapid
boost up one side and an even quicker descent -
headfirst - down the other, before the age of five. Two
horse-mad girls on the caravan site having a laugh at
Mind you, some members of our audiences were worthy of
the Full 'Nightly' Experience. So much so that I even
married one of them, but that's a digression... And
even Clowns have a private life.
As for 'The Spectacle' I felt he was looking through a
pair of them, of the rose-coloured variety.
"A knight who can't ride is only half a knight..."
they challenged, and despite protestations that my
'half-knight' would always be better than anyone else's
'fully mounted knight' I was dragged kicking and
screaming to a local riding stables. In between each
disastrous visit I studied ancient techniques used by
foot warriors to defeat men on horseback, ego and
practicality warring incessantly within my manly bosom.
That first stable was run by a well intentioned but
hopelessly sentimental woman who took in injured and
unwanted horses. It was staffed largely by horse-mad
little girls - the Gymkhana Gang - who daily mucked out
tons of dirty straw in return for a few hours on
horseback. As paying 'students' we must have been a
godsend to the finances.
Some people become one with their horse, true Centaurs
who should have been born with four legs. When forced
to walk they look like lost souls. I am not such a man.
I'm the exact opposite. A happy-go-lucky and generally
competent chap reduced to semi-passive fatalism, not
merely expecting to fall off but eagerly embracing it
as a temporary relief from my abject misery.
Falling held no fears for me, and a well timed slap
would send the wretched beast half way across the
field, thus 'wasting' extra time before I had to get
No fancy horse riding gear for me. *I dressed for
falling*. Two pairs of thick jeans, sometimes topped
with thick winter weight camouflage 'baggies'. Thick
shirt, jumper(s), all topped with very battered but
still serviceable sheepskin biker's jacket. A rip up
the back was patched with black duct tape, but the
elbows were still intact and offered valuable
protection to these bony protrusions.
The horse they gave me was called Jake, a pot-bellied,
ugly, square-headed, but amiable brown beast, with a
decidedly cynical look in his eyes every time he saw
me. His only real vice was his 'joke', trying to wipe
my leg off against every convenient length of barbed
wire. Two pairs of jeans offering insufficient
protection I would hoist my leg up across his back,
adopting a 'half-yogi' position on the saddle. As soon
as he felt the weight shift to the right position he
would jump into a brief gallop, jinking sideways, and
only my hard-won showground acrobatic skills would save
me from hanging on the wire like a dead soldier at
Flanders or Ypres.
Mine wasn't the only body to be bruised and ego to be
dented. Nigel was paired with a sandy-looking little
creature called Muttley. The Gymkhana Gang described
him as a 'fun pony', but after the first session Nigel
knew he was a fiend incarnate and christened him 'The
Rocking Horse From Hell'. I'll swear that the little
brute used to laugh as soon as he saw us walk in. Being
mocked by a bunch of miniature horsewomen was one
thing - we could comfort ourselves with thoughts of
Knightly Superiority and treat the over-competent
little peasants with protective arrogance - but when
you see a horse laughing at you as soon as you enter
his stable even the toughest ego is on a hiding to
Nigel's ensemble was similar to mine, but the
strategic layers of padding were hidden under a faded
and increasingly torn brown warehouse coat. When
Muttley chose to gallop - and it was always his choice,
not Nigel's - the coat would flap wildly in the breeze.
If you could ignore Nigel's pallid fear-contorted
features the overall image was that of a Highwayman in
full flight. Lacking my rabid enthusiasm for falling at
the least excuse Nigel tried very hard to stay on
Muttley's back, although in reality it would have been
no worse than falling off a skateboard.
One of the most enduring images is of Muttley making a
run for home after a 2 hour 'ride out'. He had his head
down, having jerked the reins free from Nigel's hands,
and nothing was going to stop him. His body clock told
him it was feeding time, and a handful of roadside
grass was no substitute for a decent meal in a well
appointed stable, with his little female friends
dancing attendance on his every whim.
As they clattered past, the lugubrious Jake turned his
head and gave me a look of obvious resignation, as if
to say 'I suppose it's a waste of time doing that with
Muttley's little legs were going like the clappers,
his horseshoes kicking up sparks from the hard road
surface, and Nigel had his fingers twisted into the
mane, woven in a death-grip as tight as top grade
Axminster carpet. With Muttley's head being well down
and forward Nigel was stretched out along his back,
arse in the air, clenched knees threatening to cave in
the labouring rib-cage, and the flapping coat seemed to
be driving Muttley into further excesses of speed....
It's a cruel thing to say about a friend, but it
looked like a rat riding on the back of a runaway
The plot thickens as the adrenaline quickens...
As Muttley, the 'rocking horse from hell'
thundered into the stable yard the girls in the
Gymkhana Gang took one look at Nigel's stricken
features and scattered like leaves before a hurricane.
This, despite their tender years, was a sight they knew
well. A man who could scarcely control his own bowels
yet alone the pounding little beast between his legs.
Panic stricken students were a commonplace to them.
Yet they all rushed after the galloping duo to
see what Muttley had in store for his hapless burden.
The sandy coloured beast - following the dictates of
his stomach - skidded sharply around on the cobbled
yard, sparks flying from his little hooves, and bolted
straight into the stable.
Nigel, faced with a cast iron gutter and a face
full of roof tiles did the only thing possible under
the circumstances. Despite Muttley being not much
higher than a skateboard the gutter would have hit
Nigel across his chest, so he unknotted his fingers
from the mane and grabbed the gutter.
Without any pause Muttley just carried on into
the stable, diving head first into his feed basket,
whilst the quick release stirrup leathers worked
perfectly (for once).
Nigel hung from the guttering, every line of
his body eloquent with relief, stirrups still firmly
anchored around his boots, and the two stirrup leathers
slowly drooped inwards in perfect synchronisation like
a pair of dying aspidistras.
He dropped to the ground, his showman's
instincts and pride flooding back in full force as soon
as his feet hit 'terra firma'. Turning to face the
assembled onlookers he sketched a brief bow and then
strolled nonchalantly into the stable as if the
dramatic dismount was an everyday event.
Copyright John Craggs 2006
Enjoy the chips and then watch a bowl game... buffalo
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After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest,
wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the
hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss,
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Later, the wife's roommate commented,
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During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my married
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Q. What did the colonists wear at the Boston Tea party.
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An ABC talkback was started on radio about the funny side of death. A
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One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung
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June Lee looked at Huan Cho and said, "Ok we'll play Wee wee
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John w/ Happy New Year 2007
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Play Of The Day
Life Guard In The Pool
An American in England
An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.
The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what
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When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper
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A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."
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Famous Last Words
Quick, they'll never find us if we hide here.
Don't worry, it's not used any more.
Step back a bit, I can't get you in the picture.
So they finally fixed this elevator yesterday?
Listen, I'm taking a course in chemistry, I know what I'm doing.
Yes, of course the elastic is strong enough.
It's ok so long as you stay down wind.
I wonder what happens if these two wires touch.
Hey, don't worry, it isn't loaded.
I thought it tasted rather strange.
Darling, did you remember to turn off the gas?
Gee, what a cute little Pit Bull.
And that one over there, the red flashing one, what does that mean?
I've never had one of these fail to open before.
Are you sure they don't mind you taking their honey?
It's ok, I saw them do it on TV.
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A fellow pulls up at a petrol station in Lebanon and asks for five
litres of petrol. The attendant replies they don't sell petrol.
"Don't sell petrol? What sort of garage is this? Well, check the
oil for me."
The attendant says they don't sell oil.
"What? Top up the radiator for me then."
The attendant says they don't have any water, and that in fact the garage is
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"Okay, then just blow my tires up."
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Katie: Drinks anyone?
Rob: Sure I would like a seven and seven.
Katie: Sure thing Rob.
BJ: Pepsi for me please.
Katie: Coming right up.
Diana: How about a glass of water?
Katie: Right here mother.
Tami: I will have a glass of wine.
Katie: May I see your ID please. I must make certain you
are over 21.
Tami: Ack! You know I am over 21.
Katie: I could get in trouble for serving minors. Please remain
calm or I will have to get the captain.
Rob: Yes, dear please be calm. It is not an unreasonable request.
Tami: Whose side are you on anyway? Here is my #@#@# ID.
Katie holding the ID next to Tami's face...: Hmm could b you...Yes,
it is you. Okay I will get you some wine...oh we are out of wine.
Tami: I will have some seven and seven then.
Katie: Sorry I gave the last to Rob.
Katie: I gave the last to Dad,
Katie: I think I have some....yes, I have a half of a glass.
There all better.
Tami: I think this is going to be a very long trip.
Katie: You never know.
The herd in Guthrie
Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean
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- My Name is Buffalo and I have the watch
Buffy and I had to make a quick run over to the
hospital today to drop off a urine sample before
the appointment with the Kidney doctor tomorrow.
We drove up the cross street to our Main St.,
Ashmun Blvd. It seems like whatever time you
hit the main drag during the day the street is packed
and all traffic is out of town which never ceases to
amaze everyone as they wait for the traffic to clear.
Finally after about five minutes the traffic cleared
for a second and Buffy made her left hand turn at
the moment someone else was making a right from
Burger King into our lane. I warned buffy and at the
same time gave a wave and smile to the Mennonite
gentleman driving the car and he waved back. Buffy
of course growled about the Amish dude that almost
hit her. I corrected her on the basis of the blue shirt
and the fact he was driving and told her to be careful
because he might be part of the Amish Mafia and shoot
her horse or steal the wheels from her carriage. Buffy
didn't have a clue to what I was talking about as she
isn't a Discovery Channel fan
I would like to say this about the new show. I have
always been an admirer of the Amish for their simple
life style and accomplishments by working as a community.
The last thing they needed was a view of church sponsored
extortion in their communities. The series should be stopped
because they are worse than a bunch of cow tipping
college kids running amok.
Enjoy the chips... buffalo
A Glimpse Into The Future....
(Original author unknown)
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Express . May I have your
national ID number?"
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."
Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on.... lemme get my glasses
so I can read this card....eh......Okay.....it's 6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan! I see you live at 1742 Meadowland
Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at
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number are you calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information
Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean? Whaddya talking about?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high
blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care
provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."
Customer: "Oh man...geez! What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like
it. It's pretty tasty."
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that? I mean,
Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your
local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."
Customer: (muttering under his breath) "All right, all right. Give me
two family-sized soybean pizzas, then."
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids,
sir. Your total is $49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash.
Your credit card balance is over its limit."
Customer: "Well, I'll just run over to the ATM and get some cash before
your driver gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's
Customer: "Never mind. Never mind. Just... send the pizzas. I'll have
the cash ready. How long will it take?"
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45
minutes. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're
out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a
Customer: "How in the world do you know I'm riding a bike?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your
car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up.
Customer: "Yeah, well, the bike's not bad..."
Operator: "I'd advise watching your speed though, sir. You've already
got a July 2007 conviction for speeding."
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us
from offering free soda to diabetics."
Customer: "You know what? Never mind - I've changed my mind. I don't
think I want ANYTHING from you guys."
Operator: "Have a nice day then, sir. Oh and before I go, I just want to
remind you that it's time for your daughter's medication about right
now. And sir? Thank you again for calling Pizza Express."
Taco Bell Chips
The $5.37 Order At Taco Bell
THE MORE YOU READ THE FUNNIER IT GETS...... COULDN'T DECIDE WHETHER TO LAUGH
$5.37!That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something
that used to be a Jolly Rancher.Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I
started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with
the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.He said,
"It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change
hitting the counter in front of me."Only$4.68"he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?A mere child!Senior
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with
Elmo.Was he blind?As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought.I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode
to the counter,and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of
me,like I could be that easily distracted!What am I now?A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"I stared with utter
disdain at the keys.I began to rationalize in my mind!
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck.I slipped the key into the ignition,
but it wouldn't turn.What now?I checked my keys and tried another.Still
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.I
had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus:The car seat in the back
seat.Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.A partially eaten dough
nut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,relieved to finally be
leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.That is when I felt it, deep in the
bowels of my stomach: hunger!My stomach growled and churned, and I reached
to grab my burrito,only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,and strode back into the
restaurant one final time.There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail
polish.All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?At this point I
was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,and then go
straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue.I walked back out to the truck,and suddenly a young lad
came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.He was holding up a drink
and a bag.His mother explained,"I think you left this in my truck by
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words:"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this
all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph
zone.Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.And no, I told the
officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.I handed
her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.I promptly sat in my
rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.
Winters are fierce in Northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he
was doing a good deed when he bought a pair of earmuffs for his foreman. One
cold, blustery day, he noticed that the foreman wasn't wearing them. In
fact, he couldn't recall a time he'd ever seen the man wear the earmuffs.
Walking up to his foreman, he asked, "Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave
"Oh, they were a thing of beauty and kept my ears nice and toasty warm!"
"Then why aren't you wearing them?"
"Well, I did wear them that first cold day, but then, someone offered me a
drink and I didn't hear him!"
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a
wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The
farmer said, "That's once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The
farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The
farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a
shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride raised all kind of hell with him, telling
him, "That was an awful thing to do."
The farmer said, "That's once."
It was a particularly horrific crime and the judge could not
refrain from saying so to the defendant. As the defendant was brought
before him for arraignment, the judge said, "You are charged with
throwing your mother-in-law out of your fourth-story window."
The defendant responded, "I did it without thinking, your
The judge scolded, "That's no excuse! Don't you see how
dangerous it might have been! What if someone was passing underneath at
A father finds his four year old daughter outside
brushing their dog's teeth using his toothbrush. Dad asks, "What are
you doing with my toothbrush?"
The daughter replies, "I'm brushing his teeth. But don't worry
dad, I'll rinse it out when I'm done -- just like I always do."
Please forgive our lack of a fancy template at the moment and
enjoy these pages from our friends.
Poems Of The Week
Soaring With Eagles Via Robert
Your Home Appliances May be Spying on You | Fox Business
ARMSLIST - Gun Classifieds Via Dianne
Scott Weaver Toothpick Art!
Scientists Unveil New Species!
Top 19 Rejected International Sports Team Names:
19. Brussels Sprouts
18. Cannes Openers
17. Amsterdam Yankees
16. Vienna Sausages
15. Belgium Waffles
14. Manila Folders
13. Czech Bouncers
12. New Delhi Catessans
11. Buenos Airheads
10. Guadalajara Krishnas
9. Iraqi Raccoons
8. Bolivia DeHavillands
7. Seoul Brothers
6. Taipei Personalities
5. Syria Killers
4. Hungary Jacks
3. Dublin Mint Twins
2. Prague Tologists
1. Peking Toms
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his
tail instead of his tongue. -Anonymous
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence
that you are wonderful. -Ann Landers
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to
go where they went. -Will Rogers
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking
your face. -Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than
he loves himself. -Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and
love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all.
It's the best deal man has ever made. -M. Acklam
Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who
are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
cult. -Rita Rudner
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn
around three times before lying down. -Robert Benchley
Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current
events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of
late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are
often continued in the next yard. -Dave Barry
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed
a dog. -Franklin P. Jones
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. -James Thurber
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. -Unknown
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to
$3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. -Joe
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here
we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing
haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're
the greatest hunters on earth! -Anne Tyler
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs
should relax and get used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein
Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. -Dave Miliman
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he
will not bite you; that is the principal difference between
a dog and a man. -Mark Twain
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will
give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never
would've thought of that!' -Dave Barry
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. -Roger Caras
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog
biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of
them. -Phil Pastoret
My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog already thinks I am.
At my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking
through a photo album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma, so many of
these styles have come back over the years," I commented.
Grandma never hesitated. "That's why I've kept Grandpa all this
time," she said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these
No one is more cautious than a first-time parent.
After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I
bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet.
The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-checked
all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway,
carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar,
accidentally kicked her right in the chin.
SEATTLE, Washington (Reuters) -- A black bear was found passed out at a
campground in Washington state recently after guzzling down three dozen
cans of a local beer, a campground worker said on Wednesday.
"We noticed a bear sleeping on the common lawn and wondered what was
going on until we discovered that there were a lot of beer cans lying
around," said Lisa Broxson, a worker at the Baker Lake Resort, 80 miles
(129 km) northeast of Seattle.
The hard-drinking bear, estimated to be about two years old, broke into
campers' coolers and, using his claws and teeth to open the cans,
swilled down the suds.
It turns out the bear was a bit of a beer sophisticate. He tried a
mass-market Busch beer, but switched to Rainier Beer, a local ale, and
stuck with it for his drinking binge.
Wildlife agents chased the bear away, but it returned the next day, said
They set a trap using as bait some doughnuts, honey and two cans of
Rainier Beer. It worked, and the bear was captured for relocation.
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