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Clean Chips For Mon

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  • william brabant
    Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Hope everyone is functional and safe after last
    Message 1 of 286 , Jan 1, 2007
      Clean Clean


      Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
      name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

      Hope everyone is functional and safe after last nights festivities.
      Mine consisted of playing with Eva and watching South Park
      reruns and then listening to 2007 predictions on Coast to Coast
      till early morning as the rain washed all the snow away again.

      The following is a plug for a friend's e-book.

      Dear Buffalo,

      I am trying to sell copies of my e-book, "A
      Hamper of Havoc' which tells - mostly - of the humorous
      side of being a showman performing in medieval arena
      shows, and some night club work as a gladiator. Any
      copies sold before January 6th will help to pay for
      sending my daughter, Kizzimiah, to Tanzania where she
      will be working for three months as a volunteer English
      teacher.

      I wonder if you able and willing to give it a
      little 'plug' in the Chips.

      Below is an extract for - hopefully -
      your -amusement, which you are free to use either in
      whole or in part if you wish, despite the copyright
      notice.

      www.virtualvardo.co.uk is the selling site

      Yours hopefully,

      Gyppo

      ==============================

      The 'Full Knightly Experience'...

      After several years of being a devoutly pedestrian
      knight - performing all over our green and pleasant
      land, and becoming more than adept with a wide range of
      weapons - some Bloody Fool (Nigel, Baron Thirlmere, our
      Armourer) had to spoil it all by suggesting we learn to
      ride horses.

      "We could give the audience the Full Knightly
      Experience, *and* Add To The Spectacle."

      I admit to being less than enthusiastic. My sole
      previous experience with horses consisted of a rapid
      boost up one side and an even quicker descent -
      headfirst - down the other, before the age of five. Two
      horse-mad girls on the caravan site having a laugh at
      my expense.

      Mind you, some members of our audiences were worthy of
      the Full 'Nightly' Experience. So much so that I even
      married one of them, but that's a digression... And
      even Clowns have a private life.

      As for 'The Spectacle' I felt he was looking through a
      pair of them, of the rose-coloured variety.

      "A knight who can't ride is only half a knight..."
      they challenged, and despite protestations that my
      'half-knight' would always be better than anyone else's
      'fully mounted knight' I was dragged kicking and
      screaming to a local riding stables. In between each
      disastrous visit I studied ancient techniques used by
      foot warriors to defeat men on horseback, ego and
      practicality warring incessantly within my manly bosom.

      That first stable was run by a well intentioned but
      hopelessly sentimental woman who took in injured and
      unwanted horses. It was staffed largely by horse-mad
      little girls - the Gymkhana Gang - who daily mucked out
      tons of dirty straw in return for a few hours on
      horseback. As paying 'students' we must have been a
      godsend to the finances.

      Some people become one with their horse, true Centaurs
      who should have been born with four legs. When forced
      to walk they look like lost souls. I am not such a man.
      I'm the exact opposite. A happy-go-lucky and generally
      competent chap reduced to semi-passive fatalism, not
      merely expecting to fall off but eagerly embracing it
      as a temporary relief from my abject misery.

      Falling held no fears for me, and a well timed slap
      would send the wretched beast half way across the
      field, thus 'wasting' extra time before I had to get
      back on.

      No fancy horse riding gear for me. *I dressed for
      falling*. Two pairs of thick jeans, sometimes topped
      with thick winter weight camouflage 'baggies'. Thick
      shirt, jumper(s), all topped with very battered but
      still serviceable sheepskin biker's jacket. A rip up
      the back was patched with black duct tape, but the
      elbows were still intact and offered valuable
      protection to these bony protrusions.

      The horse they gave me was called Jake, a pot-bellied,
      ugly, square-headed, but amiable brown beast, with a
      decidedly cynical look in his eyes every time he saw
      me. His only real vice was his 'joke', trying to wipe
      my leg off against every convenient length of barbed
      wire. Two pairs of jeans offering insufficient
      protection I would hoist my leg up across his back,
      adopting a 'half-yogi' position on the saddle. As soon
      as he felt the weight shift to the right position he
      would jump into a brief gallop, jinking sideways, and
      only my hard-won showground acrobatic skills would save
      me from hanging on the wire like a dead soldier at
      Flanders or Ypres.

      Mine wasn't the only body to be bruised and ego to be
      dented. Nigel was paired with a sandy-looking little
      creature called Muttley. The Gymkhana Gang described
      him as a 'fun pony', but after the first session Nigel
      knew he was a fiend incarnate and christened him 'The
      Rocking Horse From Hell'. I'll swear that the little
      brute used to laugh as soon as he saw us walk in. Being
      mocked by a bunch of miniature horsewomen was one
      thing - we could comfort ourselves with thoughts of
      Knightly Superiority and treat the over-competent
      little peasants with protective arrogance - but when
      you see a horse laughing at you as soon as you enter
      his stable even the toughest ego is on a hiding to
      nothing.

      Nigel's ensemble was similar to mine, but the
      strategic layers of padding were hidden under a faded
      and increasingly torn brown warehouse coat. When
      Muttley chose to gallop - and it was always his choice,
      not Nigel's - the coat would flap wildly in the breeze.
      If you could ignore Nigel's pallid fear-contorted
      features the overall image was that of a Highwayman in
      full flight. Lacking my rabid enthusiasm for falling at
      the least excuse Nigel tried very hard to stay on
      Muttley's back, although in reality it would have been
      no worse than falling off a skateboard.

      One of the most enduring images is of Muttley making a
      run for home after a 2 hour 'ride out'. He had his head
      down, having jerked the reins free from Nigel's hands,
      and nothing was going to stop him. His body clock told
      him it was feeding time, and a handful of roadside
      grass was no substitute for a decent meal in a well
      appointed stable, with his little female friends
      dancing attendance on his every whim.

      As they clattered past, the lugubrious Jake turned his
      head and gave me a look of obvious resignation, as if
      to say 'I suppose it's a waste of time doing that with
      you'.

      Muttley's little legs were going like the clappers,
      his horseshoes kicking up sparks from the hard road
      surface, and Nigel had his fingers twisted into the
      mane, woven in a death-grip as tight as top grade
      Axminster carpet. With Muttley's head being well down
      and forward Nigel was stretched out along his back,
      arse in the air, clenched knees threatening to cave in
      the labouring rib-cage, and the flapping coat seemed to
      be driving Muttley into further excesses of speed....

      It's a cruel thing to say about a friend, but it
      looked like a rat riding on the back of a runaway
      greyhound.

      The plot thickens as the adrenaline quickens...

      As Muttley, the 'rocking horse from hell'
      thundered into the stable yard the girls in the
      Gymkhana Gang took one look at Nigel's stricken
      features and scattered like leaves before a hurricane.
      This, despite their tender years, was a sight they knew
      well. A man who could scarcely control his own bowels
      yet alone the pounding little beast between his legs.
      Panic stricken students were a commonplace to them.

      Yet they all rushed after the galloping duo to
      see what Muttley had in store for his hapless burden.
      The sandy coloured beast - following the dictates of
      his stomach - skidded sharply around on the cobbled
      yard, sparks flying from his little hooves, and bolted
      straight into the stable.

      Nigel, faced with a cast iron gutter and a face
      full of roof tiles did the only thing possible under
      the circumstances. Despite Muttley being not much
      higher than a skateboard the gutter would have hit
      Nigel across his chest, so he unknotted his fingers
      from the mane and grabbed the gutter.

      Without any pause Muttley just carried on into
      the stable, diving head first into his feed basket,
      whilst the quick release stirrup leathers worked
      perfectly (for once).

      Nigel hung from the guttering, every line of
      his body eloquent with relief, stirrups still firmly
      anchored around his boots, and the two stirrup leathers
      slowly drooped inwards in perfect synchronisation like
      a pair of dying aspidistras.

      He dropped to the ground, his showman's
      instincts and pride flooding back in full force as soon
      as his feet hit 'terra firma'. Turning to face the
      assembled onlookers he sketched a brief bow and then
      strolled nonchalantly into the stable as if the
      dramatic dismount was an everyday event.

      Copyright John Craggs 2006

      Enjoy the chips and then watch a bowl game... buffalo

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      After Chips
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      WHAT MEN SHOULDN'T SAY AFTER SEX

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      15) "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before !"

      16) "I've been getting these little blisters lately-------"

      17) "You wanna do those dishes before you leave ?"

      18) "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in
      there!"



      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait


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      Racing Hedge
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      Train Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit a
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      While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears
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      Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was
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      After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house
      attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears
      the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet
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      lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen,
      sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good
      tea kettle?"

      The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're
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      Short Chips
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      When I was working as a clerk at a sporting-goods store, a woman came up
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      this up so I can see how the socks feel?" she asked. Reluctantly I tore
      open the package, and she scrutinized the merchandise. She handed me the
      package, saying, "I'll take them." Relieved, I started to to ring her
      up, until she interrupted me. "Can I have another pack? This one's been
      opened."
      ------------------------------
      After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest,
      wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the
      hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss,
      and gave her another hug and kiss when he left.
      Later, the wife's roommate commented,
      "Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."

      ----------------------------------
      During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my married
      students, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. Before she
      left, I asked her, "Are you okay?" I noticed you were holding onto your
      side." "Oh, I'm fine," she answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing
      his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little." "Well, that's
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      strange. He normally sleeps during your class."



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      Short Chips
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      A. Because the bags are not bayou degradable.


      Q. What did the colonists wear at the Boston Tea party.

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      Death Chips
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      An ABC talkback was started on radio about the funny side of death. A
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      Wee Wee Chu Chips
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      One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung
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      "Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon," said Jung Lee.

      "Oh c'mon baby, lets you and I play Wee wee chu. I love you and
      it's the perfect time", Huan Cho begged.

      "But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."

      "Please Jung Lee, just once play Wee wee chu with me?"

      June Lee looked at Huan Cho and said, "Ok we'll play Wee wee
      chu."

      Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang: "Wee wee chu
      a Merry Christmas, wee wee chu a Merry Christmas wee wee chu
      a Merry Christmas and a happy new year."


      d

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      Movies

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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      English Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      An American in England
      An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.

      The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what
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      "Now you listen", the American said rather irritated, "someone in
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      Amy

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      Toon Chips
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      http://buffalosjokes.com/11154.htm
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      Playpen
      http://www.buffaloschips.com/41244.htm
      Dont Point
      http://www.buffaloschips.com/41245.htm
      Polaroids
      http://www.buffaloschips.com/41246.htm

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Binoculars That Take Pictures

      Get the benefit of bringing distant objects up close in fine detail
      like only a great pair of binoculars can... and combine that with the
      versatility and full-features of a modern high-quality digital camera!

      Imagine, not only being able to zoom right in on your favorite sporting
      events,
      elusive wildlife, and far off scenery, but then also being able to digitally
      capture and preserve those images forever at the click of a button.

      Comes With Everything You Need To Get Started:

      * Binocular Camera
      * USB Cable
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      * Detailed Instructions Manual
      * Neck Strap
      * Lens Cloth
      * Case

      http://buffalosjokes.com/bin



      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Goals Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Refrigerator Goals
      When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper
      posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself:
      Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.

      I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."

      A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."

      Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."

      Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."


      Amy

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Get the hottest toy of the season - The new R/C 1:6 Scale Hummer.

      Your living room will never be the same!

      Product Features
      - Full function radio controlled
      - Spinning Rims and Lights!
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      - Independent rear suspension system
      - Glossy exterior paint
      - Working head and tail lights
      - Speed Control
      - Speed:10-15 mph

      This is this year's MUST HAVE toy - SOLD OUT in Stores!

      Order Now!

      http://buffalosjokes.com/hummer



      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Parting Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Famous Last Words

      Quick, they'll never find us if we hide here.

      Don't worry, it's not used any more.

      Step back a bit, I can't get you in the picture.

      So they finally fixed this elevator yesterday?

      Listen, I'm taking a course in chemistry, I know what I'm doing.

      Yes, of course the elastic is strong enough.

      It's ok so long as you stay down wind.

      I wonder what happens if these two wires touch.

      Hey, don't worry, it isn't loaded.

      I thought it tasted rather strange.

      Darling, did you remember to turn off the gas?

      Gee, what a cute little Pit Bull.

      And that one over there, the red flashing one, what does that mean?

      I've never had one of these fail to open before.

      Are you sure they don't mind you taking their honey?

      It's ok, I saw them do it on TV.



      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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      online stores without paying a dime!

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      and rate your experience. You shop. You rate. We pay!!

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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Bonus Chip
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A fellow pulls up at a petrol station in Lebanon and asks for five
      litres of petrol. The attendant replies they don't sell petrol.

      "Don't sell petrol? What sort of garage is this? Well, check the
      oil for me."

      The attendant says they don't sell oil.

      "What? Top up the radiator for me then."

      The attendant says they don't have any water, and that in fact the garage is
      just a front for Hizbollah.

      "Okay, then just blow my tires up."




      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      ATTENTION!!! New Virus Epidemic! I-Worm.Mydoom.a and Sober have now
      infected more than a million computers since they were first detected,
      causing losses of more than 38,500 million dollars.

      Some of this computer viruses disable many Antivirus programs so that
      they remain undetected! PAL Emergency Response is an Anti-virus program
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      Improves your system performance by removing previously undetected
      Viruses.

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      http://buffalosjokes.com/emergency

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Katie's Komfort Kolumn
      Vol 849

      Toolin Along

      Katie: Drinks anyone?

      Rob: Sure I would like a seven and seven.

      Katie: Sure thing Rob.

      BJ: Pepsi for me please.

      Katie: Coming right up.

      Diana: How about a glass of water?

      Katie: Right here mother.

      Tami: I will have a glass of wine.

      Katie: May I see your ID please. I must make certain you
      are over 21.

      Tami: Ack! You know I am over 21.

      Katie: I could get in trouble for serving minors. Please remain
      calm or I will have to get the captain.

      Rob: Yes, dear please be calm. It is not an unreasonable request.

      Tami: Whose side are you on anyway? Here is my #@#@# ID.

      Katie holding the ID next to Tami's face...: Hmm could b you...Yes,
      it is you. Okay I will get you some wine...oh we are out of wine.

      Tami: I will have some seven and seven then.

      Katie: Sorry I gave the last to Rob.

      Tami: Pepsi?

      Katie: I gave the last to Dad,

      Tami: Water?

      Katie: I think I have some....yes, I have a half of a glass.
      There all better.

      Tami: I think this is going to be a very long trip.

      Katie: You never know.

      The herd in Guthrie

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

      *********************************************

      Remember 9/11/01



      Regarding any problems unsubscribing from this mailing list

      In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:

      William Brabant
      711 Pine Street Apt.1
      Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
    • William Brabant
      My Name is Buffalo and I have the watch Buffy and I had to make a quick run over to the hospital today to drop off a urine sample before the appointment with
      Message 286 of 286 , Aug 19 10:02 PM
        My Name is Buffalo and I have the watch

        Buffy and I had to make a quick run over to the
        hospital today to drop off a urine sample before
        the appointment with the Kidney doctor tomorrow.
        We drove up the cross street to our Main St.,
        Ashmun Blvd. It seems like whatever time you
        hit the main drag during the day the street is packed
        and all traffic is out of town which never ceases to
        amaze everyone as they wait for the traffic to clear.
        Finally after about five minutes the traffic cleared
        for a second and Buffy made her left hand turn at
        the moment someone else was making a right from
        Burger King into our lane. I warned buffy and at the
        same time gave a wave and smile to the Mennonite
        gentleman driving the car and he waved back. Buffy
        of course growled about the Amish dude that almost
        hit her. I corrected her on the basis of the blue shirt
        and the fact he was driving and told her to be careful
        because he might be part of the Amish Mafia and shoot
        her horse or steal the wheels from her carriage. Buffy
        didn't have a clue to what I was talking about as she
        isn't a Discovery Channel fan

        I would like to say this about the new show. I have
        always been an admirer of the Amish for their simple
        life style and accomplishments by working as a community.
        The last thing they needed was a view of church sponsored
        extortion in their communities. The series should be stopped
        because they are worse than a bunch of cow tipping
        college kids running amok.

        Enjoy the chips... buffalo



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Future Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        A Glimpse Into The Future....
        (Original author unknown)


        Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Express . May I have your
        national ID number?"

        Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."

        Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"

        Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on.... lemme get my glasses
        so I can read this card....eh......Okay.....it's 6102049998-45-54610."

        Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan! I see you live at 1742 Meadowland
        Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at
        Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302, and your cell number's 266-2566. Which
        number are you calling from, sir?"

        Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information
        anyway/"

        Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."

        Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat
        Special pizzas."

        Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

        Customer: "Whaddya mean? Whaddya talking about?"

        Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high
        blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care
        provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

        Customer: "Oh man...geez! What do you recommend, then?"

        Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like
        it. It's pretty tasty."

        Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that? I mean,
        c'mon....soybean pizza?"

        Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your
        local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."

        Customer: (muttering under his breath) "All right, all right. Give me
        two family-sized soybean pizzas, then."

        Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids,
        sir. Your total is $49.99."

        Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."

        Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash.
        Your credit card balance is over its limit."

        Customer: "Well, I'll just run over to the ATM and get some cash before
        your driver gets here."

        Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's
        overdrawn."

        Customer: "Never mind. Never mind. Just... send the pizzas. I'll have
        the cash ready. How long will it take?"

        Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45
        minutes. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're
        out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a
        little awkward."

        Customer: "How in the world do you know I'm riding a bike?"

        Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your
        car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up.

        Customer: "Yeah, well, the bike's not bad..."

        Operator: "I'd advise watching your speed though, sir. You've already
        got a July 2007 conviction for speeding."

        Customer: (Speechless)

        Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

        Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke."

        Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us
        from offering free soda to diabetics."

        Customer: "You know what? Never mind - I've changed my mind. I don't
        think I want ANYTHING from you guys."

        Operator: "Have a nice day then, sir. Oh and before I go, I just want to
        remind you that it's time for your daughter's medication about right
        now. And sir? Thank you again for calling Pizza Express."




        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Taco Bell Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



        The $5.37 Order At Taco Bell

        THE MORE YOU READ THE FUNNIER IT GETS...... COULDN'T DECIDE WHETHER TO LAUGH
        OR CRY

        $5.37!That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.

        I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something
        that used to be a Jolly Rancher.Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I
        started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with
        the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.He said,
        "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

        I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change
        hitting the counter in front of me."Only$4.68"he said cheerfully.

        I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?A mere child!Senior
        citizen?

        I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with
        Elmo.Was he blind?As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.Old? Me?

        I'll show him, I thought.I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode
        to the counter,and there he was waiting with a smile.

        Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of
        me,like I could be that easily distracted!What am I now?A toddler?

        "Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"I stared with utter
        disdain at the keys.I began to rationalize in my mind!

        "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!It could happen to anyone!"

        I turned and headed back to the truck.I slipped the key into the ignition,
        but it wouldn't turn.What now?I checked my keys and tried another.Still
        nothing.

        That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.I
        had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

        Then, a few other objects came into focus:The car seat in the back
        seat.Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.A partially eaten dough
        nut on the dashboard.

        Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

        Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,relieved to finally be
        leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.That is when I felt it, deep in the
        bowels of my stomach: hunger!My stomach growled and churned, and I reached
        to grab my burrito,only it was nowhere to be found.

        I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,and strode back into the
        restaurant one final time.There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail
        polish.All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

        All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?At this point I
        was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,and then go
        straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

        Elmo had no clue.I walked back out to the truck,and suddenly a young lad
        came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.He was holding up a drink
        and a bag.His mother explained,"I think you left this in my truck by
        mistake"

        I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

        She offered these kind words:"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this
        all the time."

        All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph
        zone.Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.And no, I told the
        officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

        As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.I handed
        her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.I promptly sat in my
        rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

        The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.

        Jim Tenn

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Muff Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Winters are fierce in Northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he
        was doing a good deed when he bought a pair of earmuffs for his foreman. One
        cold, blustery day, he noticed that the foreman wasn't wearing them. In
        fact, he couldn't recall a time he'd ever seen the man wear the earmuffs.
        Walking up to his foreman, he asked, "Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave
        you?"

        "Oh, they were a thing of beauty and kept my ears nice and toasty warm!"

        "Then why aren't you wearing them?"

        "Well, I did wear them that first cold day, but then, someone offered me a
        drink and I didn't hear him!"

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Random Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a
        wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The
        farmer said, "That's once."
        A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The
        farmer said, "That's twice."
        After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The
        farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a
        shotgun and shot the horse.
        His brand new bride raised all kind of hell with him, telling
        him, "That was an awful thing to do."
        The farmer said, "That's once."
        ----------------------------------
        It was a particularly horrific crime and the judge could not
        refrain from saying so to the defendant. As the defendant was brought
        before him for arraignment, the judge said, "You are charged with
        throwing your mother-in-law out of your fourth-story window."
        The defendant responded, "I did it without thinking, your
        Honor."
        The judge scolded, "That's no excuse! Don't you see how
        dangerous it might have been! What if someone was passing underneath at
        the time?"
        --------------------------------
        A father finds his four year old daughter outside
        brushing their dog's teeth using his toothbrush. Dad asks, "What are
        you doing with my toothbrush?"
        The daughter replies, "I'm brushing his teeth. But don't worry
        dad, I'll rinse it out when I'm done -- just like I always do."

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




        Please forgive our lack of a fancy template at the moment and
        enjoy these pages from our friends.


        Melva
        http://silverandgoldandthee.net/V/Lil.html


        Poems Of The Week
        http://inhisservice.bravesites.com/

        Soaring With Eagles Via Robert
        http://www.youtube.com/embed/wChk5nY3Kzg

        Your Home Appliances May be Spying on You | Fox Business
        http://www.foxbusiness.com/personal-finance/2013/08/15/security-risks-in-your-home/


        Marlene/newpage/gospel
        http://www.wtv-zone.com/summerhoosier3/html1/DriftingToFarFromTheShore.Html

        ARMSLIST - Gun Classifieds Via Dianne
        http://www.armslist.com/

        Scott Weaver Toothpick Art!
        http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/toothpick.html

        Auto MotorPlex!
        http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/automotorplex.html

        Scientists Unveil New Species!
        http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/newspecies.html



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        SoccerChips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



        Top 19 Rejected International Sports Team Names:

        19. Brussels Sprouts
        18. Cannes Openers
        17. Amsterdam Yankees
        16. Vienna Sausages
        15. Belgium Waffles
        14. Manila Folders
        13. Czech Bouncers
        12. New Delhi Catessans
        11. Buenos Airheads
        10. Guadalajara Krishnas
        9. Iraqi Raccoons
        8. Bolivia DeHavillands
        7. Seoul Brothers
        6. Taipei Personalities
        5. Syria Killers
        4. Hungary Jacks
        3. Dublin Mint Twins
        2. Prague Tologists
        1. Peking Toms

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Dog Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        DOG SENSE

        The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his
        tail instead of his tongue. -Anonymous

        Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence
        that you are wonderful. -Ann Landers

        If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to
        go where they went. -Will Rogers

        There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking
        your face. -Ben Williams

        A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than
        he loves himself. -Josh Billings

        The average dog is a nicer person than the average person
        -Andy Rooney

        We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and
        love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all.
        It's the best deal man has ever made. -M. Acklam

        Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who
        are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
        -Sigmund Freud

        I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
        cult. -Rita Rudner

        A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn
        around three times before lying down. -Robert Benchley

        Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current
        events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of
        late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are
        often continued in the next yard. -Dave Barry

        Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed
        a dog. -Franklin P. Jones

        If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
        known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. -James Thurber

        If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. -Unknown

        My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to
        $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. -Joe
        Weinstein

        Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here
        we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing
        haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're
        the greatest hunters on earth! -Anne Tyler

        Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs
        should relax and get used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein

        Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. -Dave Miliman

        If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he
        will not bite you; that is the principal difference between
        a dog and a man. -Mark Twain

        You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will
        give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never
        would've thought of that!' -Dave Barry

        Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. -Roger Caras

        If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog
        biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of
        them. -Phil Pastoret

        My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog already thinks I am.
        -Unknown



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Short Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        At my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking
        through a photo album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma, so many of
        these styles have come back over the years," I commented.
        Grandma never hesitated. "That's why I've kept Grandpa all this
        time," she said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these
        days."
        --------------------------------
        No one is more cautious than a first-time parent.
        After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I
        bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet.
        The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-checked
        all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway,
        carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar,
        accidentally kicked her right in the chin.



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Parting Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        SEATTLE, Washington (Reuters) -- A black bear was found passed out at a
        campground in Washington state recently after guzzling down three dozen
        cans of a local beer, a campground worker said on Wednesday.

        "We noticed a bear sleeping on the common lawn and wondered what was
        going on until we discovered that there were a lot of beer cans lying
        around," said Lisa Broxson, a worker at the Baker Lake Resort, 80 miles
        (129 km) northeast of Seattle.

        The hard-drinking bear, estimated to be about two years old, broke into
        campers' coolers and, using his claws and teeth to open the cans,
        swilled down the suds.

        It turns out the bear was a bit of a beer sophisticate. He tried a
        mass-market Busch beer, but switched to Rainier Beer, a local ale, and
        stuck with it for his drinking binge.

        Wildlife agents chased the bear away, but it returned the next day, said
        Broxson.

        They set a trap using as bait some doughnuts, honey and two cans of
        Rainier Beer. It worked, and the bear was captured for relocation.



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

        *********************************************

        Remember 9/11/01



        Regarding any problems unsubscribing from this opt-in mailing list

        In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:

        William Brabant
        711 Pine Street Apt.1
        Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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