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Clean Chips For Tues

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  • william brabant
    Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Forever Long ago I was a Sailor. I sailed the Ocean
    Message 1 of 346 , Aug 1, 2006
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      Clean Clean

      Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
      name is Buffalo and I have the watch.


      Forever

      Long ago I was a Sailor.
      I sailed the Ocean blue.
      I knew the bars in Singapore...
      The coastline of Peru.

      I knew well the sting of salt spray,
      The taste of Spanish wine,
      The beauty of the Orient...
      Yes, all these things were mine.

      But I wear a different hat now,
      A tie and jacket too.
      My sailing days were long ago...
      With that life I am through.

      But somewhere deep inside of me...
      The sailor lives there still.
      He longs to go to sea again,
      But knows he never will.

      My love, my life, is here at home,
      And I will leave here never.
      Though mind and body stay ashore...
      My heart's at sea forever.

      ~Author, An Old Salt

      Dolores


      buffalo says As you all know I love that poem..

      Lovely weather outside, Everytime the humidity starts to drop, it rains
      and drives the humidity back up again. Even in the heat we are getting
      work done, Sandy painted out the bathroom and I cleaned another
      truckload of junk out of the basement with the assistance of my nephew.
      The main problem I am having with the humidity is getting the tobacco
      dry enough to roll with my cigarette machine for the family smokers. I
      had to nuke the stuff yesterday and that is tricky. A few seconds too
      long and you can expose yourself to all the second hand smoke at once
      instead of over the span of a day..

      Enjoy the chips ... buffalo


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      Riot Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      A young Rabbi, fresh out of a Brooklyn Yeshiva , thought it would help him
      better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations
      faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.

      He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to
      test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency.

      Among other questions he was asked, "What would you do to disperse
      an angry crowd?"

      He thought for a moment and then said seriously , "I would take up a
      collection."

      .... writ by rubin

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait

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      Polaroids
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      Mission Impossible!
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      Retirement Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Where To Live After Retirement

      As we all know, sometimes we come face to face with the fact that it may be
      time to relocate. The big question is: where to? Here are some tips.

      You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....

      1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
      2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the
      toilet bowl.
      3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
      4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
      5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face
      when
      you open your oven door.
      6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

      You can Live in California where...

      1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
      2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
      3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
      4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
      5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it
      will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

      You can Live in New York City where...

      1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
      2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus
      Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
      3. You think Central Park is "nature,"
      4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language
      makes you multi-lingual.
      5. You've worn out a car horn.
      6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

      You can Live in Maine where...

      1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
      2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
      3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
      4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
      5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
      construction.

      You can Live in the Deep South where...

      1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
      2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
      3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
      5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean,
      MARY BETH, etc.

      You can live in Colorado where...

      1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
      2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops
      at
      the day care center.
      3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
      4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

      You can live in the Midwest where...

      1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
      2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
      3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
      4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
      5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was
      different!"

      AND You can live in Florida where..

      1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
      2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
      3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
      4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
      5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
      6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and snowbirds

      GBH

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      Hurricane Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Florida Hurricane Season Notes



      We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now,
      you're going to turn on the TV and see a
      weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and
      making two basic meteorological points:

      (1) There is no need to panic.

      (2) We could all be killed.

      Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're
      new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to
      prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.'' Based
      on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step
      hurricane preparedness
      plan:

      STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at
      least three days.

      STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

      STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.

      Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
      sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.

      We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

      HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane
      insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is
      cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic
      requirements:

      (1) It is reasonably well-built, and

      (2) It is located in Nebraska. Unfortunately, if your home is located in
      Florida, or any other area that might actually be
      hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell
      you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU
      money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance
      business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an
      insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal
      to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop
      you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane George,
      I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This
      week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a
      policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan
      are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

      SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows,
      all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets.

      There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

      Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself,
      they're cheap. The disadvantage is that,
      because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

      Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you
      get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you
      get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will
      be December.

      Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,
      and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you
      will have to sell your house to pay for them.

      "Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
      protection: They look like ordinary windows,
      but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because
      the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

      "Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check
      your yard for movable objects like barbecue
      grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.. You should,
      as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming
      pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built
      immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects
      into deadly missiles.

      EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an
      evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a
      low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says ``Florida",
      you live in a low-lying area.)

      The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in
      your home when a major storm hits. Instead,you will be trapped in a
      gigantic traffic jam several miles from your
      home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus,
      you will not be lonely.

      HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of
      supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait
      until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into
      vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.

      In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

      23 flashlights At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the
      power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

      Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the
      bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)

      A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

      A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a
      hurricane, but it looks cool.)

      A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody
      who went through Camille; after the hurricane,

      there WILL be irate alligators.)

      $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can
      buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

      Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near,
      it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by
      turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers
      stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally
      important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

      Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise (a.k.a. "The
      Sunshine State").



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      Avalanche Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office
      and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard
      an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward
      him.

      Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the
      avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was
      able to light a fire.

      Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned, a rescue team
      was sent to search for him. After several hours they saw smoke curling
      from the cave and went to investigate. Poking his head into the
      entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there?
      It's the Red Cross."

      Bristling, the harried executive called back, "Get lost. I gave at the
      office!"


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      Married Chips
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      How to Drive your Wife Crazy




      1. Start asking her questions (don't mistakenly do anything) about
      cooking, cleaning and laundry. Say, I think its time I learn to take
      care of myself. You know, just in case.

      2. Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it's real greasy. Use every pot
      and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some of
      everything everywhere.

      3. While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush first at the sink and
      then at the mirror.

      4. Never ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she's in the
      kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she reaches
      the sofa with a sigh of relief say, "Will you PLEASE do me a big favor
      and get me a beer, my back is just killing me today."

      5. Be sure to load up all your pockets with tissues before you drop
      them in the washing basket.

      6. Leave yourself a trail of clothing, towels, dishes, and everything
      else you put your hands on. This will ensure you never lose your way.

      7. Wait until she's overwhelmed with work and lean in close and say,
      "Did you see how dusty the leaves on your house plants are?"

      8. Put on a TV programm and them pretend to keep falling asleep. Wake up
      each time she tries to change the channel and say, "Damn it, you know
      how much I looked forward to watching this. Don't be so selfish."

      9. Wait until she is totally engrossed in a movie then tell her
      something is bugging you and you really need to talk about it. Be sure
      it's as stupid, boring, and long winded as you can make it.

      10. Wait until she's finally lost a few pounds on that diet. Start
      having uncontrollable urges for her favorite sin foods. When she
      repeatedly declines, stick it in her face anyway and say, "Oh stop it! A
      little X isn't going to hurt you."

      11. Continue until all weight is regained. Then ask, "Hey, you've been
      on that diet a long time now, how much have you lost?"

      12. Keep calling her at work to find out what time she plans to get home
      and what she plans to make for dinner. Make sure you're just not in the
      mood for whatever she's making.

      13. When the opportunity arises be sure to cut the grass in your brand
      new white trainers.

      14. When you retrieve your clothes from the closet leave the hanger in
      place and pull on the clothing until the hanger is mangled enough to
      allow the article to slip off.

      15. Tell her something for the first time and act shocked that she
      didn't know about it. Pout and exclaim, "And you have the nerve to say
      I never listen to YOU."

      16. When you know she's grocery shopping, disappear! Come home just in
      time to watch her carry the last bag in. Grab the receipt and say, "I'll
      get the rest of it for you dear." Feign surprise when she says that's
      it. End with, "This is all you got for how much?"

      17. When ogling a woman say, "Sure she's gorgeous, but remember she's
      young. I remember when you looked good too."

      18. On the odd occasion you actually clean up a disgusting mess you
      made, use the best towels in the house.

      19. As your stomach grows just wear your pants lower and flop it over
      the waistband. Then brag that unlike your wife, you still wear the same
      size you did when you got married.

      20. Wait until the night before you go on vacation and say, "Hon, you
      know the underwear and socks you packed for me? Well the elastic is shot
      and I need new ones."




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      Random Chips
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      Old Man Dean, a miser and reprobate of some renown in the community,
      at last suffered a health crisis and was rushed to hospital late one
      evening. He lay unconscious through the night, but rallied at dawn and,
      by and by, was well enough to receive visitors.
      A local parson, hearing of Dean's misfortune and recalling that
      at one time he had been a member of his congregation, determined to make
      a call. After brief pleasantries were exchanged, the preacher began an
      earnest appeal for the old boy to mend his ways and return to the flock.
      He explained how the patient should be thankful that he was spared, and
      at some length inquired if all of his sins had flashed before his eyes
      during the incident.
      "Don't be ridiculous," replied Dean, "the attack lasted only 6
      hours!"

      ---------------------------------------

      A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and
      is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring
      over 2 other female friends in addition to my fiancee, and you have to
      try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
      The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits
      them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay,
      Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
      She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
      "That's amazing! You're right, how did you know it was Amy the
      redhead?"
      The mother folds her arms across her chest and says, "I don't
      like her."

      -----------------------------------------


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      "Quite a layout," said the officer to in charge of the rescuers.
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      hazard."


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      http://www.buffalosjokes.com/60535.htm


      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Cat Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Politically correct terms for cat owners

      - My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.
      - My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.
      - My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.
      - My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.
      - My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
      - My cat does not yowl, he is singing off-key.
      - My cat is not a "shedding machine", she is a hair relocation stylist.
      - My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile", she enjoys the proximity of
      food.
      - My cat is not a bed hog, he is a mattress appreciator.
      - My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.
      - My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.
      - My cat is not a lap fungus, he is bed selective.
      - My cat is not a pest, she is attention deprived.
      - My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.
      - My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.
      - My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.
      - My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate
      moisture.
      - My cat is not lazy, he is motivationally challenged.
      - My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination
      (which should always be the food dish).



      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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      Toon Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Dont Point
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      If it ain't broke....don't fix it.
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      Too Much Time On The Net
      http://buffalosjokes.com/31384.htm
      Addicted
      http://buffalosjokes.com/31385.htm
      Darth Tater
      http://buffalosjokes.com/31386.htm
      Dead
      http://buffalosjokes.com/31387.htm
      Mistakes
      http://buffalosjokes.com/31388.htm
      Specials
      http://buffalosjokes.com/31389.htm




      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Costume Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      At his request, each morning three-year-old Ray's
      mother pinned a bath towel to the back shoulders
      of his size two T-shirt.

      Immediately in his young imaginative mind the towel
      became a brilliant magic blue and red cape.

      And he became Superman.

      Outfitted each day in his "cape," Ray's days were
      packed with adventure and daring escapades.
      He was Superman.

      This fact was clearly pointed out last fall when his
      mother enrolled him in kindergarten class. During the
      course of the interview, the teacher asked Ray his name.

      "Superman," he answered politely and without pause.

      The teacher smiled, cast an appreciative glance at his
      mother, and asked again, "Your real name, please."

      Again, Ray answered, "Superman."

      Realizing the situation demanded more authority, or
      maybe to hide amusement, the teacher closed her
      eyes for a moment, then in a voice quite stern, said,
      "I will have to have your real name for the records."

      Sensing he'd have to play straight with the teacher,
      Ray slid his eyes around the room, hunched closer to her,
      and patting a corner of frayed towel at his shoulder,
      answered in a voice hushed with conspiracy,
      "Clark Kent."


      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Parting Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      For my grandmother Bessie's 80th birthday, we had a huge family
      celebration and even managed to get a photo announcement
      about her in the local paper.

      "That was such a nice shot," I commented.

      "It's only my passport picture," she revealed.

      "Really?" I stared at my homebody grandma in complete
      amazement. "So...Where did you go?"

      She replied, "Walgreen's."

      rubin


      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Bonus Chip
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously, when the
      auctioneer receives a note from an assistant, and reads it aloud, "A
      gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is
      returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."

      There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room comes
      a cry: "Two Thousand Five Hundred!"

      rubin

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Katie's Komfort Kolumn
      Vol 715

      Sail Along With Me

      Katie: Rudy want to go sailing with me?

      Rudy: Sure thing Katie. It is hot. Let me change.

      A little bit later....

      Sandi: Can I come to?

      Katie: You can watch.

      Rudy: Where are we going? The lake is down there.

      Katie grinning...: Just follow me.

      They climb a hill and at the top of the hill is a strange craft.

      Rudy: What the heck is that?

      Katie: It is my glider. I made it in the laboratory and hauled it up
      here last night.
      Climb in the front seat Rudy and I will get in the back seat.

      Rudy: There is no motor.

      Katie: Right! We fly with the wind. I rigged up a ramp that should
      propel us down a bit
      and then shoot us up in the air. Then I will deftly guide us in the wind
      currents and we
      will glide for a while then land gently in yonder glen.

      Sandi is looking at the sky with her front paws crossed....: Yeah, and I
      am Santa
      Claus.

      Rudy: You are!

      Sandi: It is a manner of speech.

      Katie: Hrumpt! Sandi, would you be so kind as to give us a slight push?

      Sandi: I am here to serve.

      The glider goes down the ramp and does lift into the sky....

      Rudy: Hey this is pretty cool Katie. How long can we stay up here?

      Katie: In theory, as long as the wind is blowing.

      Rudy: Wow, you are smart. Look here comes Sandi in her one man
      helicopter.
      It looks like she is trying to! say som ething.

      Sandi: Get down immediately. There is a wall cloud coming with strong
      winds!

      Katie: Hah, the better to ride with.

      Sandi lands her copter and runs off.

      Rudy: Uh Katie, shouldn't we take Sandi's advice?

      Katie: Never, I look death in the face a thousand times and say dash it
      all.

      Rudy: Err, can you let me out first.

      The winds hit......

      Katie: Maybe I was a bit premature in my speech.

      Rudy: I see the lake waters, they seem to be rushing at us rather fast
      Katherine.

      SPLASH!!!!!

      Katie: Good thing I made the plane from wood that floats, uh Mr Rudy.
      Rudy why
      are you looking at me like that....

      The herd in Guthrie

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

      *********************************************

      Remember 9/11/01



      Regarding any problems unsubscribing from this mailing list

      In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:

      William Brabant
      711 Pine Street Apt.1
      Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
    • William Brabant
      My name is buffalo and I have the watch. Sunday around brunch time Eva came into my room and said Grandpa, It s a tomato morning. I figured Sandy was fixing
      Message 346 of 346 , Aug 27, 2013
      • 0 Attachment
        My name is buffalo and I have the watch.

        Sunday around brunch time Eva came into my room
        and said Grandpa, It's a tomato morning. I figured
        Sandy was fixing breakfast and then my TV started
        beeping and thats's when I figured out Eva had actually
        meant tornado warning. It wasn't that serious, though,
        only severe thunderstorms and we didn't even get the
        quarter sized hail but we did get plenty of wind and
        buckets of rain and it kept on coming till about 0500.

        I finally got to bed after the16 hour light show and then
        it was time to go get bloodwork done. I called doctor's
        office and told them I had done the tests and asked
        them to call when they had the results and give me any
        dosages that had been modified so I could take my pills.
        While I was on the phone I noticed a lot of static which
        isn't unusual as there are fiber optics in the neighborhood
        connecting to 60 years of copper wire. I laid down to take
        a nap and wait for the call and woke up at 1530 with
        still no call so I called doctor's office and they had been
        calling me all afternoon. The static was also causing the
        modem to disconnect randomly.


        On the good side though my meds are ok at least for
        another week or so. Hope you are having a great week.

        buff



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Short Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        The man, trying to start up a conversation with another
        man said, "WOW! Who is that incredibly ugly lady over there?"
        The second man said, "Why, that's my wife!"
        Trying to get out of an embarassing situation, the first man
        said, "No, not her, the other one!"
        The second man said, "That's my daughter!"
        --------------------------------
        The teacher, during an English lesson, asked her students: "Now tell
        me, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no
        longer interested?"
        Little Johnny, in the back row, raised his hand.
        "Yes, Johnny," said the teacher
        "A teacher!"
        -----------------------------------
        A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2
        servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I consume about 3,500
        calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per
        week.
        Therefore, in the last 3-1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric
        intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds.
        So... without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing
        about 3 months ago! I owe my life to chocolate!!


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Sailing Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a
        "little" stowed away rum. Unfortunately he got drunk and was still drunk
        the next morning. The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate was
        sober, showed him the following entry in the ship's log: "The first mate
        was drunk today."

        "Captain please don't let that stay in the log", the mate said. "This
        could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself."

        "Is it true?" asked the captain, already knowing the answer.

        "Yes, its true" the mate said.

        "Then if it is true it has to go in the log. That's the rule. If its
        true it goes into the log, end of discussion," said the captain sternly.

        Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entries. The
        first mate wrote: "The ship seems in good shape. The captain was sober
        today."



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Blonde Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to
        make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings
        it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
        While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found
        a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided
        that they should call the police.
        When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and
        showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said,
        "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
        Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it
        any more; they had to know who they had found. They called the police
        and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and
        we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
        The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind
        of important."
        "Well, who was it?"
        "The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Camp Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Dear Mr. Johnson:

        Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to
        get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try
        and explain.

        It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal 10 year old
        boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp
        for Billy.

        We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with
        swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire -- you know. There
        were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music,
        military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying.

        I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year.
        Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket.
        It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right
        there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago.

        I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAS HAPPENED. He's changed. I can't explain it. See
        for yourself.


        These are some of my little Billy's letters:
        -----------------------------------
        Letter # 1
        ----------
        The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only
        good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time
        to program, so they let us stay up. Love, Billy.


        Letter # 2
        -------------
        Dear Mom,
        Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all
        get to choose what we want to drink. By the way, can you make Szechwan
        food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the flowchart
        class. Love, Billy.

        P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spell
        checked too.


        Letter # 3
        -------------
        Dear Mom,
        Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow
        of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of a
        tan cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer
        screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us
        weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.

        Love, Billy.


        Letter # 4
        -------------
        Dear Mom,
        I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp
        ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real
        funny. He got mad and yelled. Can you send more money? I've got to chip
        in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a
        computer? Give my regards to Dad.

        Love, Billy.


        Letter # 5
        -------------
        Dear Mother,
        Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I
        haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto
        any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the
        university's in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five,
        he's going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really
        smart. He says that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.

        Signed, William.


        Letter # 6
        -------------
        Dear Mother,
        How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I
        haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody
        wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is
        cool. I thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made
        some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway,
        I've paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late
        August.

        Regards, William.


        Letter # 7
        -------------
        Mother,
        Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only ten years
        old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again.
        Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit
        bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write
        again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal
        communication drain me.

        Sincerely, William.
        -------------

        What can I do, Mr. Johnson?

        See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little
        boy. I know that it's probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if
        by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of
        programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much.

        Sally Gates,
        Concerned Parent


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




        Please forgive our lack of a fancy template at the moment and
        enjoy these pages from our friends.


        Melva
        http://silverandgoldandthee.net/Misc_files/Wh.html

        Animals on Trampolines Via Richard
        http://dogwork.com/trampoline-animals#.Uhuu3QtmcWA.email

        I KNOW I'VE BEEN SEALED/PAGE BY MARLENE/GOSPEL
        http://www.wtv-zone.com/summerhoosier3/html1/IknowIveBeenSealed.html


        Delightful Day
        http://www.adreamandasmile.com/Frdshp-6/Delightful_Day.html

        Scientists Unveil New Species!
        http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/newspecies.html

        This dummy knows his stuff
        Before you watch it, do you know the answer to the question
        "What is the Third Amendment? If not, you'll find out.
        http://www.youtube.com/embed/F584p5kJL-U?rel=0

        Chinese GM?
        http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=Lvl5Gan69Wo

        What Happens When A Washcloth is Wrung in Space?
        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lMtXfwk7PXg

        Have you seen the latest dance craze? It's called "twerking." It's
        drawn controversy since Miley Cyrus made it famous and now twins Terry
        and Josie, 74, and their 82-year-old sister Mary are showing off their
        "twerking" skills! The grannies say some inappropriate words, but what
        the heck? They're fantastic!
        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SpKKmXC5cSQ&feature=player_embedded



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Grandpa Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        *Grandpa and The Computer*


        The computer swallowed Grandpa
        Yes honestly, its true.
        He pressed 'control' and 'enter'
        And disappeared from view.

        It's devoured him completely
        The thought just makes me squirm.
        Maybe he's caught a virus
        Or been eaten by a worm.

        I've searched through the recycle bin
        And files of every kind.
        I've even used the internet
        But nothing could I find.

        I asked Jeeves in desperation
        My searches to refine.
        The reply from him was negative
        Not a thing was found online.

        So, if someday in your 'In Box'
        My Grandpa you should see.
        Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' him
        In an e-mail back to me.


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Gas Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Gas!

        Two couples went out golfing together. The men hit first from the men's
        tee and walked with the ladies to their tee box.

        The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it completely,
        while passing some gas rather loudly in the process. No one commented.

        She addressed the ball again but this time she passed just little gas as
        she made contact with the ball, topping it and moving it only a short
        distance.

        She said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further?"

        One of the men said, "I don't think you gave it enough gas!"



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Fortune Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller
        delivered grave news:

        "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare
        yourself
        to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this
        year."

        Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined
        face,then
        at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands.

        She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. Her mind raced. A question
        forced it's way out... she simply had to know.. She met the Fortune
        Teller's gaze, tried to steady her voice and asked,

        "Will I be acquitted?"
        For some reason, wives tend to like this joke .





        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Parting Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        A difficult moral dilemma: you are on a plane headed for a tropical
        vacation, and you crash. you and most of the other passengers end up on a
        deserted island. The world thinks you perished in the sea. No one is coming
        to rescue you. There is not enough coconut, fresh water, and fish to sustain
        everyone. Among the survivors are an IRS agent, a DOJ lawyer, and an
        assistant communications director from the administration. Which one do you
        stir fry, which one do you barbecue, and which one goes into a
        bouillabaisse?




        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

        *********************************************

        Remember 9/11/01



        Regarding any problems unsubscribing from this opt-in mailing list

        In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:

        William Brabant
        711 Pine Street Apt.1
        Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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