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Clean Chips For Mon

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  • William Brabant
    Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. May 1st- Today is the 75th anniversary of the
    Message 1 of 286 , May 1, 2006
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      Clean Clean

      Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
      name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

      May 1st- Today is the 75th anniversary of the Empire State
      Building. To someone in his fifties though it seems much
      older with biplanes trying to shoot down King Kong.

      In Most of the world today is Labor Day. We should have
      licensed that holiday and sold franchises to everyone that
      wanted to use it along with some of our others like Veteran's
      Day and Memorial Day, maybe even President's Day. Other's
      like Columbus day and Martin Luther King Day would be hard
      to franchise because their appeal is only to Americans. To
      those that don't know May Day was started in 1791 when
      carpenters in Philadelphia went on strike for a 10 hour day.
      Then on May 1, 1886 the 8 hour day was developed of the
      standard. Makes you wonder why we celebrate it in Sept.
      instead of May like everyone else but the net says that
      around the turn of the century we did it to distance ourselves
      from the Marxist's and Communism which had already started
      to spread through the world.

      May Day when I was the day that the Russians dragged out
      all of their military might and paraded it around the Red
      Square in Moscow. The missiles on the trucks and divisions of
      soldiers marching with exaggerated motions never changed
      in all the years of watching them in the cold war and reminded
      me of Iran showing off it's military might last week. Russia
      scared me as a kid but Iran doesn't really excite me.

      Anyhow happy Labor Day world and to those that want to
      frolic around a May Pole be careful, it's Monday again.

      buffalo.,

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      Baby Chips
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      Seniors having babies...

      With all the new technology regarding fertility
      recently, a 65-year-old
      woman was able to give birth to a baby.

      When she was discharged from the hospital and went
      home, her relatives came to visit.

      "May we see the new baby?" one asked.

      "Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we
      can visit for awhile first."

      Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked,
      "May we see the new baby now?"

      "No, not yet," said the mother.

      After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked
      again, "May we see the baby now?"

      "No, not yet," replied the mother.

      Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we
      see the baby?""WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

      "WHEN HE CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to
      wait until he CRIES??"

      "BECAUSE I forgot where I put him."

      Jim Tenn

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait

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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Indian Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      If TITANIC (the movie) was made in India....

      - There would be 10 times as many people in the ship.

      - There would be a song with Kate Winslett in a white
      Sari, singing in the rain.

      - By the end of the movie, hero would find his long
      Lost Mom, Dad, sis and brother.

      - It would be a seven-and-a-half-hour movie with three
      Intervals. The movie would be called "Pyar Kiya to
      Marna Kya?" (IF WE HAVE LOVED EACH OTHER..WHY SHOULD
      WE BE AFRAID TO DIE)

      - The hero and the heroine would float in the cold water
      For days and still survive while the villain would die
      In the first few drops.

      - The iceberg was sent by the heroine's father to teach
      a lesson to the hero.

      - The orchestra would play Jai Santoshi Maa and a ray
      Of light would come and transport the musicians to
      Another ship.

      - And can you imagine how many times we would hear
      Bachaoo? (HELP!! SAVE US)


      Christine

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      Groaner Chips
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      A young woman, extraordinarily attractive in personality,
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      of a prescription medication from her physician. The in-
      structions on the prescription were to apply the medication
      once A day, but the young woman found that more frequent
      applications were palatable and effective. After exhausting
      her supply, she returned to the doctor's office for another
      one. The receptionist announced to the returning patient to the doctor:
      "It's the super gal with the fragile lips expecting extra doses."



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      Short Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      When I dropped my son off at college, we found that he was assigned to
      the fourth floor of a dormitory. As I trudged through the parking lot
      to retrieve yet another load to carry up the four flights of stairs, two
      young women caught my attention from a dorm window. "Hey, Mom!" one
      called down. "Yo, Mom!"

      I was too tired to respond, so I just ignored them until I heard the
      second girl ask the first, "How do you know that woman is somebody's
      mom?"

      The first girl replied, "Who else would do that?"

      ~~~~~

      The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden
      flight without pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area
      automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out
      automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats.

      The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane
      taxied toward the runway.

      "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," a voice intoned. "Welcome to the
      debut of the world's first fully computerized airliner. Everything on
      this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing
      can go wrong ... Nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...."



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      Tornado Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      For those of you who aren't familiar with
      tornadoes and are hearing news coverage
      of this, here is a short glossary to help you
      understand.

      Fujita Scale:
      used to measure wind speeds of a
      tornado and their severity.

      F1: Laughable little string of wind unless it
      comes through your house, then enough to
      make your insurance company drop you like
      a brick. (People enjoy standing on their porches
      to watch this kind.)

      F2: Strong enough to blow your car into your
      house, unless of course you drive an Expedition
      and live in a mobile home, then strong enough
      to blow your house into your car.

      F3: Will pick your house and your Expedition
      up and move you to the other side of town.

      F4: Usually ranging from 1/2 to a full mile wide,
      this tornado can turn an Expedition into a Pinto,
      then gift wrap it in a semi truck.

      F5: The Mother of all Tornadoes, you might as
      well stand on your front porch and watch it, because
      it's probably going to be quite a last sight.

      Meteorologist:
      A rather soft-spoken, mild-mannered type person until
      severe weather strikes, and they start yelling at you
      through the t.vs..: "GET TO YOUR BATHROOM OR
      YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!"

      Storm Chaser:
      Meteorologist-rejects who are pretty much insane but
      get us really cool pictures of tornadoes. We release
      them from the mental institution every time it starts thundering, just
      to see what they'll do.

      Tranquilizer:
      What you have to give any dog or cat who lived through
      the tornado every time it storms or they tear your whole
      house up freaking out of their minds.

      Moore, Oklahoma or Tornado Alley, Alberta:
      A favorite gathering place for tornadoes. They like to
      meet here and do a little partying before stretching out
      across the rest of the Midwest.

      Bathtub:
      Best place to seek shelter in the middle of a tornado,
      mostly because after you're covered with debris, you
      can quickly wash off and come out looking great.

      Severe Weather Radio:
      A handy device that sends out messages from the
      National Weather Service during a storm, though
      quite disconcerting because the high pitched, shrill
      noise just as an alarm sounds suspiciously just like
      a tornado. Plus the guy reading the report just sounds
      creepy.

      Tornado Siren:
      A system the city spent millions to install, which is really useful,
      unless there's a storm or a tornado, because then of course you can't
      hear them.

      Storm Cellar:
      A great place to go during a tornado, as it is almost 100% safe, though
      weigh your options carefully, as most are not cared for and are homes to
      rats and snakes.

      May-June:
      Tourist season in Oklahoma, when people who are tired
      of bungee jumping and diving out of airplanes decide it
      might be fun to chase a tornado. These people usually
      end up on Fear Factor.

      July-August
      Tourist season in Alberta, when people are tired of Rodeo
      stuff like Bronc Busting or riding Brahma Bulls by the name
      of Twister...

      Barometric Pressure:
      Nobody really knows what this is, but when it drops a lot
      of pregnant women go into labor, which makes for exciting moments as
      their husbands are trying to drive them to the hospital and dodge
      tornadoes at the same time.

      Cars:
      The worst place to be during a tornado (next to a mobile
      home). Yes, you can out run a tornado in your car...
      unless everybody on the road decides to do the same
      thing, and then you're in grid lock.

      A Ditch:
      Supposedly where you're supposed to go if you find yourself without
      shelter or in your car during a tornado. Theoretically the tornado is
      supposed to pass right over you, but since it can lift a 20 ton truck
      and up root a three hundred year old tree, I'd bet my life on
      out-running it in a car.

      Mobile Home:
      Most people are convinced mobile homes send off some
      strange signal that triggers tornadoes, because if there's
      one mobile home park in a hundred mile radius, the tornado
      will find it.

      Earthquake:
      What any Californian would rather go through on any scale
      of severity than face a tornado.

      Tornado:
      What any Oklahoman or Albertan would rather go through
      on any scale of severity than face an earthquake.

      Twister:
      Slang for 'tornado' and also the title to a movie starring Helen Hunt,
      which incidentally everyone thought was corny and unrealistic.

      Power Flash:
      One of the most reliable ways to track a tornado at night,
      it's the term used when the tornado hits a power line and
      a bright light flashes. It's also the emotion experienced
      by meteorologists when they get to make the call to interrupt prime-time
      must-see t.vs.. and a million dollars worth of advertising to track a
      storm for viewers.

      Here are some phrases you might want to learn and be
      familiar with:

      "We'll have your electricity restored in 24 hours,"
      which means it'll be a week.
      "We're going to be out for a week, so buy a lot of
      supplies and an expensive generator," means it's
      going to be on in twelve hours, probably as soon as
      you return from Wal-Mart-Mart.
      "It's a little muggy today." Get outta town. It's getting
      ready to storm.
      "There's just a slight chance of severe weather today,
      so go ahead and make your outdoor plans."
      Ha. Ha ha ha ha.

      And Rene's BIG TIP of the day:
      When your electricity goes out, and you go to bed at night,
      be sure to turn off everything that was on before it went
      out, or when it is unexpectedly restored in the middle of
      the night, every light, every computer, your dishwasher,
      your blow dryer, your washing machine, your microwave
      and your fans will all come on all at once.

      1) You'll just about have a heart attack when they all come
      on at the same time, waking you from a dead sleep.

      And 2) Your breakers will blow, leaving you in the dark
      once again.




      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      Chat Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Do you know what your kids or grandkids are saying when they use instant
      messaging? Of course not! You're over 30! They have a code that's
      intended to leave you in the dark.

      For instance, if your child types a message that consists solely of a
      number, such as 5, that means a parent (you) is in the room. When they
      double that number up, such as 55, that means the coast is clear.

      Here are some other codes the kids use when IM'ing:
      POS -- Parent is over my shoulder so watch what you say
      POP - Parent is on prowl and could walk in any moment
      SOS -- Sibling over shoulder who will tell on me
      ASL -- What's your age, sex and location?
      TTYL -- Talk to you later
      BRB -- Be right back
      HHOK -- Ha hah, only kidding
      MOATM -- Music on at the moment
      LQ -- Laughing quietly because someone is in the room
      G2G -- Gotta go!
      CTN -- Can't talk now

      There are many more codes. So my advice is simple. Make sure you watch
      your kids online. It's a dangerous place. If you need help, download and
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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Golf Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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      They're having a great game. After the 8th hole, Irish's friend is ahead
      by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me
      find my ball. Look over there," he says to Irish . After a few minutes,
      neither have any luck and a lost ball carries a four-point penalty. The
      guy quietly pulls a ball from his pocket and drops it to the ground, and
      announces, "I've found my ball !!!" . Irish just looks at him and then
      shakes his head and says, "After all of the years we've been partners
      and have played together, you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?""What
      do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!" Irish's friend
      exclaims! "And you're a liar, too!" Irish says. "I'll have you know
      I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!"

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      Toon Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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      Job Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Three men were applying for the same job as a detective.
      One was a Polack, one was a Jew, and one was an Italian.
      The chief decided to ask each applicant just one
      question and base his decision upon that answer.

      When the Jew arrived for his interview, the chief asked
      him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?" The Jew answered without hesitation,
      "The Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left.

      When the Italian arrived for his interview, the chief
      asked the same question. He replied "Jesus was killed
      by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who
      then left.

      Finally, the Polack arrived for his interview, he was
      asked the same question. He thought for a long time,
      before saying, "Could I have some time to think about
      it?"

      The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow."

      When the Polack arrived home, his wife asked "How
      was the interview?". Back came the reply, "Great, I
      got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      Parting Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his
      destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park
      somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would
      have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's
      major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when
      there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger
      running in place. "Yes?" "Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you
      have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15".
      The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was
      just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another
      jogger. "Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?" "8:25!" The jogger
      said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by
      and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed
      him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in
      his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Once again he settled back
      to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the
      window. "Sir, sir? It's 8:45!"


      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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      Bonus Chip
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      A guy from Brooklyn was in Hong Kong passing through the
      native quarter, and was surprised to see a synagogue. He went in and
      sure enough, he saw a Chinese rabbi and a Chinese congregation. The
      service was touching. As the service ended, the rabbi stood at the door
      greeting his congregants. When our Brooklyn friend came up, the rabbi
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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Katie's Komfort Kolumn
      Vol 624

      Downtime

      Diana: We have been going to concerts, helping people, been
      sick or doing something every weekend. I need to rest.

      BJ: I am kinda tired myself love. I am still sore. How about
      some down time this weekend?

      Rudy: A-rooo!

      Katie: I get to sleep with dad.

      Sandi: Me!

      BJ: There is room for all. It is supposed to rain most of the weekend
      so it would be perfect to rest. We all need the time to re-charge our
      batteries.

      Katie: I have batteries?

      Diana: It is a matter of speaking.

      Rudy: What?

      BJ: Forget about it.

      Sandi: Rudy, it is merely a saying, a colloquialism of English
      language.

      Rudy: Oh a col-lo-que,,, oh never mind.

      Diana: Bottom line is we rest. We will pick up around the house, but
      do so when we are bored with resting.

      Sandi: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

      Katie: I think Sandi has the right idea.

      BJ: What is the first movie?

      Diana: Chick flick!

      Rudy: Action!

      Katie: Doggie!

      Sandi: ZZZZZZZZZZ!

      BJ: Oh boy, what I need is a movie that has a lot of sleeping, action,
      dogs
      and comedy ' Rip Van Winkle Meets Cinderella in Die Hard V with Lassie'

      The herd in Guthrie

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

      *********************************************

      Remember 9/11/01



      Regarding any problems unsubscribing from this mailing list

      In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:

      William Brabant
      711 Pine Street Apt.1
      Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
    • William Brabant
      My Name is Buffalo and I have the watch Buffy and I had to make a quick run over to the hospital today to drop off a urine sample before the appointment with
      Message 286 of 286 , Aug 19, 2013
      • 0 Attachment
        My Name is Buffalo and I have the watch

        Buffy and I had to make a quick run over to the
        hospital today to drop off a urine sample before
        the appointment with the Kidney doctor tomorrow.
        We drove up the cross street to our Main St.,
        Ashmun Blvd. It seems like whatever time you
        hit the main drag during the day the street is packed
        and all traffic is out of town which never ceases to
        amaze everyone as they wait for the traffic to clear.
        Finally after about five minutes the traffic cleared
        for a second and Buffy made her left hand turn at
        the moment someone else was making a right from
        Burger King into our lane. I warned buffy and at the
        same time gave a wave and smile to the Mennonite
        gentleman driving the car and he waved back. Buffy
        of course growled about the Amish dude that almost
        hit her. I corrected her on the basis of the blue shirt
        and the fact he was driving and told her to be careful
        because he might be part of the Amish Mafia and shoot
        her horse or steal the wheels from her carriage. Buffy
        didn't have a clue to what I was talking about as she
        isn't a Discovery Channel fan

        I would like to say this about the new show. I have
        always been an admirer of the Amish for their simple
        life style and accomplishments by working as a community.
        The last thing they needed was a view of church sponsored
        extortion in their communities. The series should be stopped
        because they are worse than a bunch of cow tipping
        college kids running amok.

        Enjoy the chips... buffalo



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Future Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        A Glimpse Into The Future....
        (Original author unknown)


        Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Express . May I have your
        national ID number?"

        Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."

        Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"

        Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on.... lemme get my glasses
        so I can read this card....eh......Okay.....it's 6102049998-45-54610."

        Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan! I see you live at 1742 Meadowland
        Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at
        Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302, and your cell number's 266-2566. Which
        number are you calling from, sir?"

        Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information
        anyway/"

        Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."

        Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat
        Special pizzas."

        Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

        Customer: "Whaddya mean? Whaddya talking about?"

        Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high
        blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care
        provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

        Customer: "Oh man...geez! What do you recommend, then?"

        Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like
        it. It's pretty tasty."

        Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that? I mean,
        c'mon....soybean pizza?"

        Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your
        local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."

        Customer: (muttering under his breath) "All right, all right. Give me
        two family-sized soybean pizzas, then."

        Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids,
        sir. Your total is $49.99."

        Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."

        Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash.
        Your credit card balance is over its limit."

        Customer: "Well, I'll just run over to the ATM and get some cash before
        your driver gets here."

        Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's
        overdrawn."

        Customer: "Never mind. Never mind. Just... send the pizzas. I'll have
        the cash ready. How long will it take?"

        Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45
        minutes. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're
        out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a
        little awkward."

        Customer: "How in the world do you know I'm riding a bike?"

        Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your
        car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up.

        Customer: "Yeah, well, the bike's not bad..."

        Operator: "I'd advise watching your speed though, sir. You've already
        got a July 2007 conviction for speeding."

        Customer: (Speechless)

        Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

        Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke."

        Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us
        from offering free soda to diabetics."

        Customer: "You know what? Never mind - I've changed my mind. I don't
        think I want ANYTHING from you guys."

        Operator: "Have a nice day then, sir. Oh and before I go, I just want to
        remind you that it's time for your daughter's medication about right
        now. And sir? Thank you again for calling Pizza Express."




        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Taco Bell Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



        The $5.37 Order At Taco Bell

        THE MORE YOU READ THE FUNNIER IT GETS...... COULDN'T DECIDE WHETHER TO LAUGH
        OR CRY

        $5.37!That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.

        I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something
        that used to be a Jolly Rancher.Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I
        started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with
        the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.He said,
        "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

        I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change
        hitting the counter in front of me."Only$4.68"he said cheerfully.

        I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?A mere child!Senior
        citizen?

        I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with
        Elmo.Was he blind?As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.Old? Me?

        I'll show him, I thought.I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode
        to the counter,and there he was waiting with a smile.

        Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of
        me,like I could be that easily distracted!What am I now?A toddler?

        "Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"I stared with utter
        disdain at the keys.I began to rationalize in my mind!

        "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!It could happen to anyone!"

        I turned and headed back to the truck.I slipped the key into the ignition,
        but it wouldn't turn.What now?I checked my keys and tried another.Still
        nothing.

        That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.I
        had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

        Then, a few other objects came into focus:The car seat in the back
        seat.Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.A partially eaten dough
        nut on the dashboard.

        Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

        Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,relieved to finally be
        leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.That is when I felt it, deep in the
        bowels of my stomach: hunger!My stomach growled and churned, and I reached
        to grab my burrito,only it was nowhere to be found.

        I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,and strode back into the
        restaurant one final time.There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail
        polish.All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

        All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?At this point I
        was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,and then go
        straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

        Elmo had no clue.I walked back out to the truck,and suddenly a young lad
        came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.He was holding up a drink
        and a bag.His mother explained,"I think you left this in my truck by
        mistake"

        I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

        She offered these kind words:"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this
        all the time."

        All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph
        zone.Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.And no, I told the
        officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

        As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.I handed
        her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.I promptly sat in my
        rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

        The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.

        Jim Tenn

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Muff Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Winters are fierce in Northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he
        was doing a good deed when he bought a pair of earmuffs for his foreman. One
        cold, blustery day, he noticed that the foreman wasn't wearing them. In
        fact, he couldn't recall a time he'd ever seen the man wear the earmuffs.
        Walking up to his foreman, he asked, "Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave
        you?"

        "Oh, they were a thing of beauty and kept my ears nice and toasty warm!"

        "Then why aren't you wearing them?"

        "Well, I did wear them that first cold day, but then, someone offered me a
        drink and I didn't hear him!"

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Random Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a
        wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The
        farmer said, "That's once."
        A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The
        farmer said, "That's twice."
        After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The
        farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a
        shotgun and shot the horse.
        His brand new bride raised all kind of hell with him, telling
        him, "That was an awful thing to do."
        The farmer said, "That's once."
        ----------------------------------
        It was a particularly horrific crime and the judge could not
        refrain from saying so to the defendant. As the defendant was brought
        before him for arraignment, the judge said, "You are charged with
        throwing your mother-in-law out of your fourth-story window."
        The defendant responded, "I did it without thinking, your
        Honor."
        The judge scolded, "That's no excuse! Don't you see how
        dangerous it might have been! What if someone was passing underneath at
        the time?"
        --------------------------------
        A father finds his four year old daughter outside
        brushing their dog's teeth using his toothbrush. Dad asks, "What are
        you doing with my toothbrush?"
        The daughter replies, "I'm brushing his teeth. But don't worry
        dad, I'll rinse it out when I'm done -- just like I always do."

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




        Please forgive our lack of a fancy template at the moment and
        enjoy these pages from our friends.


        Melva
        http://silverandgoldandthee.net/V/Lil.html


        Poems Of The Week
        http://inhisservice.bravesites.com/

        Soaring With Eagles Via Robert
        http://www.youtube.com/embed/wChk5nY3Kzg

        Your Home Appliances May be Spying on You | Fox Business
        http://www.foxbusiness.com/personal-finance/2013/08/15/security-risks-in-your-home/


        Marlene/newpage/gospel
        http://www.wtv-zone.com/summerhoosier3/html1/DriftingToFarFromTheShore.Html

        ARMSLIST - Gun Classifieds Via Dianne
        http://www.armslist.com/

        Scott Weaver Toothpick Art!
        http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/toothpick.html

        Auto MotorPlex!
        http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/automotorplex.html

        Scientists Unveil New Species!
        http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/newspecies.html



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        SoccerChips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



        Top 19 Rejected International Sports Team Names:

        19. Brussels Sprouts
        18. Cannes Openers
        17. Amsterdam Yankees
        16. Vienna Sausages
        15. Belgium Waffles
        14. Manila Folders
        13. Czech Bouncers
        12. New Delhi Catessans
        11. Buenos Airheads
        10. Guadalajara Krishnas
        9. Iraqi Raccoons
        8. Bolivia DeHavillands
        7. Seoul Brothers
        6. Taipei Personalities
        5. Syria Killers
        4. Hungary Jacks
        3. Dublin Mint Twins
        2. Prague Tologists
        1. Peking Toms

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Dog Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        DOG SENSE

        The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his
        tail instead of his tongue. -Anonymous

        Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence
        that you are wonderful. -Ann Landers

        If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to
        go where they went. -Will Rogers

        There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking
        your face. -Ben Williams

        A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than
        he loves himself. -Josh Billings

        The average dog is a nicer person than the average person
        -Andy Rooney

        We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and
        love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all.
        It's the best deal man has ever made. -M. Acklam

        Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who
        are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
        -Sigmund Freud

        I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
        cult. -Rita Rudner

        A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn
        around three times before lying down. -Robert Benchley

        Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current
        events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of
        late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are
        often continued in the next yard. -Dave Barry

        Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed
        a dog. -Franklin P. Jones

        If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
        known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. -James Thurber

        If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. -Unknown

        My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to
        $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. -Joe
        Weinstein

        Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here
        we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing
        haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're
        the greatest hunters on earth! -Anne Tyler

        Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs
        should relax and get used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein

        Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. -Dave Miliman

        If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he
        will not bite you; that is the principal difference between
        a dog and a man. -Mark Twain

        You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will
        give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never
        would've thought of that!' -Dave Barry

        Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. -Roger Caras

        If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog
        biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of
        them. -Phil Pastoret

        My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog already thinks I am.
        -Unknown



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Short Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        At my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking
        through a photo album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma, so many of
        these styles have come back over the years," I commented.
        Grandma never hesitated. "That's why I've kept Grandpa all this
        time," she said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these
        days."
        --------------------------------
        No one is more cautious than a first-time parent.
        After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I
        bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet.
        The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-checked
        all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway,
        carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar,
        accidentally kicked her right in the chin.



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Parting Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        SEATTLE, Washington (Reuters) -- A black bear was found passed out at a
        campground in Washington state recently after guzzling down three dozen
        cans of a local beer, a campground worker said on Wednesday.

        "We noticed a bear sleeping on the common lawn and wondered what was
        going on until we discovered that there were a lot of beer cans lying
        around," said Lisa Broxson, a worker at the Baker Lake Resort, 80 miles
        (129 km) northeast of Seattle.

        The hard-drinking bear, estimated to be about two years old, broke into
        campers' coolers and, using his claws and teeth to open the cans,
        swilled down the suds.

        It turns out the bear was a bit of a beer sophisticate. He tried a
        mass-market Busch beer, but switched to Rainier Beer, a local ale, and
        stuck with it for his drinking binge.

        Wildlife agents chased the bear away, but it returned the next day, said
        Broxson.

        They set a trap using as bait some doughnuts, honey and two cans of
        Rainier Beer. It worked, and the bear was captured for relocation.



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

        *********************************************

        Remember 9/11/01



        Regarding any problems unsubscribing from this opt-in mailing list

        In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:

        William Brabant
        711 Pine Street Apt.1
        Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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