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Clean Chips For Sat

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  • William Brabant
    Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining
    Message 1 of 220 , Apr 1, 2006
      Clean Clean

      Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
      name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

      Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
      name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

      Wow! You Have Got to see this!

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      Dog Chips


      Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell
      one another?

      Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it
      still the same old story?

      Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the
      mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a
      dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice
      ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler

      Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears
      him, is he still a bad dog?

      Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand
      signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beeper s, scent ID's,
      electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans

      Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

      Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to

      Dear God: I will try to do better so I can go to heaven. I promise...

      1. I will not eat the cats' food be fore they eat it or after they throw
      it up.

      2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I
      like the way they smell.

      3 I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they
      are tasty.

      4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

      5. The sofa is not a 'face towel'. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

      6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

      7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

      8. I will not bite the officer' s hand when he reaches in for Mom's
      driver's license and registration.

      9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the

      10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of
      saying "hello".

      11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee

      12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house -
      not after.

      13. I will not throw up in the car.

      14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

      15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch
      when we have company.

      16. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes
      that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

      And, finally, My last question . . .

      Dear God: Why do humans only have 10 Commandments and dogs have 16?

      P.S. When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?



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      Bus Chips

      A little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten
      minutes or so she'd pipe up, "Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet,

      "No, lady, not yet. I'll let you know," he replied, time
      after time. The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany
      Falls, and finally the little town came into view. Sighing with relief,
      the driver pulled over and called out, "This is where you get out,

      "Is this Oriskany Falls?"

      "YES!" he bellowed. "Get out!"

      "Oh, I'm going all the way to Albany, sonny," she explained sweetly.
      "It's just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should
      take my blood pressure pill."


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      Golf Chips

      A fellow goes into a golf shop in Scotland and sees a number of unique
      head covers, the most unusual one being the head of a rat. He takes it
      to the shop owner and asks how much.

      "Well, laddie," the old gent replies, "The clubhead cover'll be $10
      American, but for a thousand more you get to here the grand story behind

      "Here's the $10," the man replies. "I'll take the cover. You can keep
      the story."

      The next day, on the links of St. Andrews, the man is walking down the
      Road Hole. Suddenly, several rats scurry out of the sewers and start to
      follow him. He begins to run, but rats keep appearing from
      everywhere-from the sewers and from the fairway creek. He's almost
      exhausted and out of breath when he reaches the cliffs overlooking the
      sea. Intuitively, he rips the head cover from his driver and heaves it
      into the sea. The rats follow it into the water. Upon leaving the
      course, the man returns immediately to the little golf shop.

      The old Scotsman sees him and with a sly smile says, "Aye, laddie, and
      I'd be suspectin' that you came back for the story, eh?"

      "Well, actually," the man replies, "I was hoping you had a cover shaped
      like an attorney."


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      Little johnny Chips

      Four-year-old Little Johnny asked, "Mummy,
      where do babies come from?

      "The stork, dear." replied Johnny's Mom.

      "Mummy, who keeps bad people from robbing
      our house?" Asked Little Johnny.

      Johnny's mother answer, "The police, dear."

      "Mummy, if our house was on fire, who would
      save us?"

      "The fire department, dear."

      "Mummy, where does food come from?"

      "Farmers, dear."


      "Yes, dear?"

      "What do we need Daddy for?"


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      Groaner Chips

      PRILEP, Yugoslavia (AP) - Outside a small Macedonian village close to
      the border between Greece and strife-torn Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic
      nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker
      of the site of significant historical developments spanning more than
      2,000 years.

      When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the
      convent will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of Macedonia.
      However, that isn't likely to happen soon, as Sister Maria, 53, enjoys
      excellent health. By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles daily about
      the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base for the army of
      Attila the Hun.

      In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied
      the hilltop site. Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in
      439 A.D. and used it as a base for his marauding army.

      The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large
      gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila
      wanted to study the Greek legal system, and had the writs and other
      documents brought to the temple. Scholars differ on why he had the
      valuable documents destroyed -- either because he was barely literate
      and couldn't read them, or because they provided evidence of democratic
      government that did not square with his own notion of rule by an
      all-powerful tyrant.

      When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th Century and the
      convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros
      destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is
      only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base.

      And that's how it ends: No Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun left on


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      Court Chips

      Judge: Did you or did you not see the gun being fired?

      Witness: I did not see it being fired. I only heard it.

      Judge: Well, that's hearsay. It's inadmissible as evidence.

      As the witness left the stand and walked back to his seat, his back was
      turned to the judge, at which point he laughed out loud. Immediately the
      judge recalled him to the bench and was about to hold him in contempt of

      Witness: Did you actually see me laugh?

      Judge No, but I heard you.

      Witness: Isn't that the same kind of inadmissible evidence, Judge?


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      BC Chips

      The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite
      delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband
      were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular
      campground asking for a reservation.

      She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but
      didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just
      couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After
      much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term
      BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she
      was being too forward. So she started all over again and rewrote the
      entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC. "Does
      the campground have it's own BC?" is what she actually wrote.

      Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all, and when
      got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking
      about. That BC business really stumped him.

      After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to
      campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the
      campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be
      asking about he local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following

      Dear Madam: I regret very much the delay in answering your
      but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles
      north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one
      time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of
      going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great
      number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They
      usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and
      the acoustics are marvelous. Even the normal delivery sounds can be

      The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so
      crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may
      interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money
      to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.

      I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go
      regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow
      old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.


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      Toon Chips

      No Pictures
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      Hunting Chips

      A father and son wanted to hunt on a friend's property, so they called
      him and made arrangements for a date. Early in the morning they arrived
      on the appointed day, and the son went up to the friend's house and told
      him that they were ready to start the hunt.

      The friend told him where to hunt and asked him to do him a little
      favor. "When you pass the barn, shoot that old mule. He's about 40
      years old, but we don't have the heart to kill him."

      The son, thinking he could have a little fun with his father, said,
      "Dad, that so-and-so friend of ours changed his mind and now he won't
      let us hunt on his property so I think I'll just walk over there and
      kill his mule." He grabbed his gun, walked over and shot the old mule.

      He had started back to the car when he heard BANG, BANG, and his father
      yelling, "You were right about our friend, Son, so I killed two of his


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      Parting Chips

      At bedtime I tell our two grandsons a Bible story. One night I said,
      "Tonight we're going to talk about sin. Do you know what the word sin

      Seven-year-old Keith spoke up. "It's when you do something bad."

      Four-year-old Aaron's eyes widened. "I know a big sin Keith did today."

      Annoyed, Keith turned to Aaron. "You take care of your sins, and I'll
      take care of mine."


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      Bonus Chip

      The staff at the office where my wife works was hosting a farewell
      luncheon for a retiring colleague.

      As the group prepared to go to the restaurant, they found that they
      couldn't fit the giant balloon they had purchased for the guest of honor
      into the car. Undaunted, they simply held the balloon out the window as
      they drove.

      My wife and her co-workers weren't prepared for the glares they received
      from passers-by. As the long line of traffic in front of their vehicle
      began to turn, they saw that their car was right behind a funeral

      There was nothing they could do but hold on to the balloon with its
      bright red farewell message: "Gone but not forgotten."


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      Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady

      Katie's Komfort Kolumn
      Vol 595

      Pat B Visits From Louisiana

      Bark bark bark!

      BJ: I will see who it is.
      Oh hello Pat, first time we have met face to face and you
      brought your man with you Gleason.

      Pat: We were on our way to Kansas and we had to stop
      by and say hello and visit the kids. Hi Katie, Rudy Sandi.

      Katie: Hello.

      Rudy: Hello Toots!

      Sandi blushes: Hello ma'am.

      BJ: Excuse Sandi, she is shy.
      Why don't you guys spend the night in the motor home rather
      than spend your money on a motel.

      Pat: Sounds good to us.

      Katie: Ahem...

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      Pat: I would love it Katie.

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      use a
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      Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean


      Remember 9/11/01

      Regarding any problems unsubscribing from this mailing list

      In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:

      William Brabant
      711 Pine Street Apt.1
      Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
    • William Brabant
      My name is buffalo and I have the watch. Thursday night I let my computer do updates and turned the monitor off and went to sleep. When I woke up I turned the
      Message 220 of 220 , Jul 13, 2013
        My name is buffalo and I have the watch.

        Thursday night I let my computer do updates and turned the
        monitor off and went to sleep. When I woke up I turned the
        monitor on and got a BIOS alarm for a CPU fan error. One
        of the fans had been making a little noise for the past couple
        of weeks and I figured it had went bad.. I had Buffy disconnect
        all of the cables and slid it over into my bed. This is a full
        size Vista era and they are so nice to work on, none of that
        reaching under cables and PCI cards to get at something. All
        three fans were spinning free so i reconnected just the power
        and monitor cord and hit the start button. All three fans
        spinning and alarm gone. I figured it was just a hairball that
        eventually blew out. I had buffy reconnecting cables as I slid it
        into it's place on my night stand while Buffy hooked up the
        keyboard, mouse, and internet. After downloading 12 hours of
        mail.I tried replying and got a surprise, no keyboard. I checked
        the back and it was plugged into the mouse PS-2 port. Since
        PS-2 ports are fused and easy to blow, I shut the power off and
        turned the power back on and still no keyboard. I turned the
        computer off and asked Buffy to bring in her USB keyboard .
        she plugged it in and I rebooted, keyboard worked now but
        the laser was out on the mouse. I was starting to think I had
        power supply problems until I checked cables again. Buffy
        had unplugged the mouse to plug the keyboard in.

        Hope you are having a great weekend and enjoy the chips... buff


        Fly Chips

        Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than there
        are submarines in the sky.

        If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
        helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

        Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to

        When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough
        power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

        Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

        What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a
        pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

        Never trade luck for skill.

        The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation
        are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and " Oh Shit!"

        Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

        Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot

        Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully
        complete the flight.

        A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a
        row is prevarication.

        I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

        Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

        Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the
        purpose of storing dead batteries.

        Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
        person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything
        about it.

        When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

        Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be
        held on a sunny day.

        Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II. When a prang (crash) seems
        inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the
        vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

        The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely
        kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

        A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its
        maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)

        If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the
        crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

        If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the
        bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)

        Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am
        at 80,000 Feet and Climbing. (sign over the entrance to the SR-71
        operating location Kadena, Japan).

        You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F.
        Crickmore - test pilot)

        Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

        There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign
        over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).

        The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a
        good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few
        opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same
        time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there)

        "Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee
        attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320).

        If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

        Basic Flying Rules
        1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
        2. Do not go near the edges of it.
        3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground,
        buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult
        to fly there.

        You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
        power to taxi to the terminal.


        Bad Chips

        Signs You're Going to Have a Bad Day

        You know it's going to be a bad day when . . .
        . . . your twin sister forgets your birthday.
        . . . you wake up face down on the pavement.
        . . . you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
        . . . you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
        . . . you see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office. . .
        . your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. . . .
        your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own
        business. . . . you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the
        party, and there aren't any. . . . you turn on the TV news and they're
        displaying emergency routes out of your city. . . . the woman you've
        been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife. . . . you wake up
        to discover that your water bed broke and then you realize that you
        don't have a water bed. . . . your horn goes off accidently and remains
        stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. . . . you
        get a rejection notice from the HUMOR Listserver saying that you're no
        longer funny . . . your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and
        good news..." . . . you open the paper and find your picture under a
        caption that reads:
        . . . your ex-lover calls and tells you he has 6 days to live, and that
        you'd better get the Test . . . you wake up at work naked in front of
        your co-workers . . . when someone accuses you of faking humor . . .
        your lover tells you, "I'm sub-letting another apartment and the
        movers are here to move me."
        . . . you have an appointment in 10 minutes and you just woke up . . .
        you need your chocoholic fix and the government just banned chocolate!


        Cat Chips

        Take a few minutes to see how well you know your feline best friend.

        Your cat sits in front of you & looks lovingly in your eyes. Is it
        a) I adore you
        b) I can outstare you
        c) If you ever get your lazy butt out of that chair, maybe I
        get fed.

        Your cat bumps his head against yours.
        Is it saying:
        a) You are my bestest friend
        b) Will you play with me?
        c) If I bump this hard enough, maybe it'll break open & tuna
        will fall out.

        Your cat brings you a mouse with it's head missing.
        Is it saying:
        a) Here's a present for you
        b) I am a mighty hunter-stroke me
        c) This would look better surrounded by tuna

        Your cat licks his paws.
        Is it:
        a) Instinctively grooming itself
        b) Bored
        c) Getting ready to cat-slap you if you don't give him tuna.

        Your cat sticks his paw under the bottom of the door &
        frantically waves.
        Is it saying:
        a) Imaginary mice are fun!
        b) Please open the door
        c) If I can build up these biceps, I can open my own tuna.

        Your cat rubs against your leg.
        He is:
        a) Showing you affection
        b) Trying to get your attention
        c) Trying to push you into the kitchen where the tuna is kept.

        Your cat runs ahead of you & then rolls on his back.
        Is it saying:
        a) Rub my tummy
        b) Catch me if you can
        c) I am so exhausted from hunger, I can only run 2 feet at a

        Your cat backs up to your best piece of furniture & sprays. Is it
        a) This is mine! I must mark it!
        b) I had a little extra pee I didn't know what to do with.
        c) Follow this smell to the kitchen cupboard where the tuna is kept.

        Your cat rubs his whiskers against your hand.
        He is:
        a) Showing you love
        b) Petting himself
        c) Trying to push your hand into the can opener.

        Your cat chases a moth in the air.
        He is:
        a) Instinctively honing his hunting skills
        b) Excersizing
        c) Showing you he is insane with hunger & will eat

        Your cat swishes the water in the toilet.
        Is it trying to:
        a) Just have a little fun
        b) Catch a quick drink
        c) Show you that he can always snag a tuna swimming
        if you don't feed him soon.

        Your cat sleeps by your side, purring contentedly.
        Is it saying:
        a) I love & adore you
        b) I just want to stay close to you
        c) I'll be the first one to know when you're awake so you can feed

        Your cat sits in the window & stares at the birds.
        Is it:
        a) Thinking about how beautiful birds are
        b) Wishing it could catch one
        c) Mentally telling you that bird-in-a-can would go great with
        Pounce Treats.

        Your cat sleeps in a discarded cardboard box.
        Is it:
        a) Laying where it feels safe
        b) Feeling cozy
        c) Showing you what size coffin to buy if you don't feed it
        some tuna soon.

        Your cat munches on your houseplant.
        Is it saying:
        a) mmmm..good
        b) I love to puke up this stuff
        c) I'll eat everything in this house that doesn't move if you
        open a can of tuna soon. Feed me!

        Now your cat meows at the door when you go out.
        Is it saying:
        a) Please don't leave me all alone.
        b) Adios.
        c) Hey Slave! Get me a can of tuna while you're out.

        Your cat digs its claws in your leg.
        Is this:
        a) Primal hunting instinct.
        b) A love tap.
        c) Testing to see if you are tender & "done".

        Your cat scratches at the door after being fed:
        Is it saying:
        a) Let me out-need to use the sandbox.
        b) Wanna to go out & roam.
        c) Wonder what's to eat next door?

        Your cat is sound asleep in the window.
        It is thinking:
        a) Nothing; he's sleeping.
        b) Ah, sun feels good.
        c) Can't you tell I've fainted from hunger? FEED ME!

        Mostly a-.you are your cat's slave
        Mostly b-you're onto your cat's ways
        Mostly c-give your cat the car keys & let him buy his own tuna!


        Mother Chips

        Only a Mother ~~

        Can listen to the same knock-knock joke 27 times without
        hollering "Nobody's Home."

        Will be a Scrabble partner with a kid who thinks "cookie"
        begins with "k."

        Will unwind 56 feet of toilet paper so her little darling Can
        have the empty roll...to make a Mother's Day present.

        Knows the location of every drive-through window in town.

        Knows the exact temperature a crayon will melt on the

        Will try to hide a leafy green vegetable in a cookie.

        Knows the secret to happy grocery shopping with a
        toddler...visit the bakery aisle first and plug his lips
        with a big cream horn.

        Can cherish the 1,000th bleating of "Twinkle, Twinkle"
        from a budding violinist.

        Will show up at work wearing Mickey Mouse stickers
        on her posterior.

        Sees a Picasso in those scribbles decorating the fridge.

        Knows all the verses to "This Old Man."

        Can deal out emergency lunch money from the dryer
        lint filter.

        Can find her last good pair of panty hose hitching a
        wagon to a tricycle.

        Knows the sure-fire way to get three kids to eat carrots...
        buy two carrots.

        Is limber enough to wrestle a fitted sheet onto the top
        bunk bed.

        Invests fifty dollars in stale macaroons to help send the
        French Club to Disneyland.

        Will attempt to grow hydroponic tomatoes in one night
        for a last-minute science project.

        Can see across town and locate a missing shoe from her
        office desk phone.

        Can switch from cook to catcher in an instant.

        Has a bathtub that's filled with little yellow duckies.

        Seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people,
        promptly announces she never did care for pie.


        Please forgive our lack of a fancy template at the moment and
        enjoy these pages from our friends.

        Writing a Love Story

        Gospel Music

        Just Have Faith!

        Eagle Rescue

        Rules For US Civilians

        I Wrote A Song

        Poems Of The week


        Smoking Chips

        A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very
        expensive cigars, insured them against ... get this ... fire. Within a
        month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having
        yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a
        claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that
        he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance
        company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had
        consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.

        The man sued... and won! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that
        since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted
        that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure
        the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be
        "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his
        loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the
        insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000
        for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."

        After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance
        company had him arrested ... on 24 counts of arson! With his own
        insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as
        evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the
        rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one-year terms!


        Scout Chips

        A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.

        "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in
        case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.

        Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as
        food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his

        "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring
        with you?" asked the Scout Master.

        Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

        "Why's that Timmy?"

        "Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the
        water is to prevent dehydration..."

        "And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

        "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to
        come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black


        Butcher Chips

        A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a
        documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every
        single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He
        winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a
        well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and
        tells him about his project. The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought
        of the "Butcher Dance."

        The guy's a bit confused and says "Butcher Dance? What's that?"

        "What? You no see Butcher Dance?"

        "No, I've never heard of it."

        "Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no
        see Butcher Dance?"

        "UmmSUM. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what
        you mean?"

        "No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than

        "Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

        "Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher

        "Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest
        darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances.
        Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

        "OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive
        197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for
        126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever
        see. Here you gotta leave car, coz much to rough for driving. You strike
        out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You
        follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows
        out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here
        though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through
        mountains. Pass very difficult, very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to
        get through rocky pass. When through, head north-west for 4 days 'til
        reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock,
        walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher

        So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a
        couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking
        state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't
        reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.

        He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high
        and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious
        dance which he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions
        he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it
        for another two until they reach the rocky mountains.

        The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his
        spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds
        the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing
        his life's dream. The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as
        their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky
        equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking
        effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.

        When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running
        low and their feet are covered with blisters but they steel themselves
        and head out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they
        virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give
        them fresh water and they begin to feel like new men. Once he's
        recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him
        that he has come to film there Butcher Dance.

        "Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too
        late. You miss dance."

        "Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

        "Not 'til next year."

        "Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for
        me, tonight?"

        "No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold
        more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher
        Dance you come back next year." The guy is devastated, but he has no
        other option but to head back to civilization and back home.

        The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to
        miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite
        willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in
        order to ensure he is present to witness it.

        However, right from the start things go wrong. Heavy rains that year
        have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few
        miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through
        the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree. They reach the
        creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through
        the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages
        for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the
        mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale
        the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.

        Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of
        the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their
        journey to the rock and then the village enormously. Eventually, having
        lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into
        the village at about 12:00 noon.

        "The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"

        The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance
        performed tonight. You come just in time."

        Relieved beyond measure, the crew spend the rest of the afternoon
        setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on
        celluloid As dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in
        white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and
        animal skins. Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives
        form a circle around a huge roaring fire.

        A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a
        wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire
        body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or
        medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief "What's he

        "Hush" whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred
        of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits
        of the dreamworld watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through
        our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to
        watch over us and protect us for another year."

        The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he
        removes himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of
        drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the
        stirring rhythm. The guy is becoming caught up in the fervour of the
        moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his
        wait has not been in vain.

        He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement
        ever conceived by mankind.

        The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming
        voice, starts to sing: "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right
        arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about"



        Parting Chips

        Jacob (age 92) and Rebecca (age 85) are all excited about their
        decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding.
        the way, they go past a drugstore and Jacob suggests that they go in.

        Jacob: Are you the owner?
        Pharmacist: Yes.
        Jacob: Do you sell heart medication?
        Pharmacist: Of course we do.
        Jacob: How about medicine for circulation?
        Pharmacist: All kinds.
        Jacob: Medicine for rheumatism?
        Pharmacist: Definitely.
        Jacob: How about Viagra?
        Pharmacist: Of course.
        Jacob: Medicine for memory?
        Pharmacist: Yes, a large variety.
        Jacob: How about vitamins & sleeping pills?
        Pharmacist: Absolutely.
        Jacob turns to Rebecca and says, "Sweetheart, we might as well register
        our wedding gift list with them!"


        Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean


        Remember 9/11/01

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        William Brabant
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