Clean Chips For Sat
- Clean Clean
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
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TO: GOD: FROM: THE DOG
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it
still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the
mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a
dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice
ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears
him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand
signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beeper s, scent ID's,
electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to
Dear God: I will try to do better so I can go to heaven. I promise...
1. I will not eat the cats' food be fore they eat it or after they throw
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I
like the way they smell.
3 I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they
4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
5. The sofa is not a 'face towel'. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
8. I will not bite the officer' s hand when he reaches in for Mom's
driver's license and registration.
9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the
10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of
11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee
12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house -
13. I will not throw up in the car.
14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch
when we have company.
16. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes
that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
And, finally, My last question . . .
Dear God: Why do humans only have 10 Commandments and dogs have 16?
P.S. When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?
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A little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten
minutes or so she'd pipe up, "Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet,
"No, lady, not yet. I'll let you know," he replied, time
after time. The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany
Falls, and finally the little town came into view. Sighing with relief,
the driver pulled over and called out, "This is where you get out,
"Is this Oriskany Falls?"
"YES!" he bellowed. "Get out!"
"Oh, I'm going all the way to Albany, sonny," she explained sweetly.
"It's just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should
take my blood pressure pill."
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A fellow goes into a golf shop in Scotland and sees a number of unique
head covers, the most unusual one being the head of a rat. He takes it
to the shop owner and asks how much.
"Well, laddie," the old gent replies, "The clubhead cover'll be $10
American, but for a thousand more you get to here the grand story behind
"Here's the $10," the man replies. "I'll take the cover. You can keep
The next day, on the links of St. Andrews, the man is walking down the
Road Hole. Suddenly, several rats scurry out of the sewers and start to
follow him. He begins to run, but rats keep appearing from
everywhere-from the sewers and from the fairway creek. He's almost
exhausted and out of breath when he reaches the cliffs overlooking the
sea. Intuitively, he rips the head cover from his driver and heaves it
into the sea. The rats follow it into the water. Upon leaving the
course, the man returns immediately to the little golf shop.
The old Scotsman sees him and with a sly smile says, "Aye, laddie, and
I'd be suspectin' that you came back for the story, eh?"
"Well, actually," the man replies, "I was hoping you had a cover shaped
like an attorney."
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Little johnny Chips
Four-year-old Little Johnny asked, "Mummy,
where do babies come from?
"The stork, dear." replied Johnny's Mom.
"Mummy, who keeps bad people from robbing
our house?" Asked Little Johnny.
Johnny's mother answer, "The police, dear."
"Mummy, if our house was on fire, who would
"The fire department, dear."
"Mummy, where does food come from?"
"What do we need Daddy for?"
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PRILEP, Yugoslavia (AP) - Outside a small Macedonian village close to
the border between Greece and strife-torn Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic
nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker
of the site of significant historical developments spanning more than
When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the
convent will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of Macedonia.
However, that isn't likely to happen soon, as Sister Maria, 53, enjoys
excellent health. By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles daily about
the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base for the army of
Attila the Hun.
In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied
the hilltop site. Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in
439 A.D. and used it as a base for his marauding army.
The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large
gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila
wanted to study the Greek legal system, and had the writs and other
documents brought to the temple. Scholars differ on why he had the
valuable documents destroyed -- either because he was barely literate
and couldn't read them, or because they provided evidence of democratic
government that did not square with his own notion of rule by an
When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th Century and the
convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros
destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is
only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base.
And that's how it ends: No Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun left on
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Judge: Did you or did you not see the gun being fired?
Witness: I did not see it being fired. I only heard it.
Judge: Well, that's hearsay. It's inadmissible as evidence.
As the witness left the stand and walked back to his seat, his back was
turned to the judge, at which point he laughed out loud. Immediately the
judge recalled him to the bench and was about to hold him in contempt of
Witness: Did you actually see me laugh?
Judge No, but I heard you.
Witness: Isn't that the same kind of inadmissible evidence, Judge?
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The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite
delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband
were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular
campground asking for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but
didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just
couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After
much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term
BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she
was being too forward. So she started all over again and rewrote the
entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC. "Does
the campground have it's own BC?" is what she actually wrote.
Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all, and when
got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking
about. That BC business really stumped him.
After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to
campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the
campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be
asking about he local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following
Dear Madam: I regret very much the delay in answering your
but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles
north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one
time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of
going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great
number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They
usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and
the acoustics are marvelous. Even the normal delivery sounds can be
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so
crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may
interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money
to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.
I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go
regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow
old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.
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A father and son wanted to hunt on a friend's property, so they called
him and made arrangements for a date. Early in the morning they arrived
on the appointed day, and the son went up to the friend's house and told
him that they were ready to start the hunt.
The friend told him where to hunt and asked him to do him a little
favor. "When you pass the barn, shoot that old mule. He's about 40
years old, but we don't have the heart to kill him."
The son, thinking he could have a little fun with his father, said,
"Dad, that so-and-so friend of ours changed his mind and now he won't
let us hunt on his property so I think I'll just walk over there and
kill his mule." He grabbed his gun, walked over and shot the old mule.
He had started back to the car when he heard BANG, BANG, and his father
yelling, "You were right about our friend, Son, so I killed two of his
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At bedtime I tell our two grandsons a Bible story. One night I said,
"Tonight we're going to talk about sin. Do you know what the word sin
Seven-year-old Keith spoke up. "It's when you do something bad."
Four-year-old Aaron's eyes widened. "I know a big sin Keith did today."
Annoyed, Keith turned to Aaron. "You take care of your sins, and I'll
take care of mine."
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The staff at the office where my wife works was hosting a farewell
luncheon for a retiring colleague.
As the group prepared to go to the restaurant, they found that they
couldn't fit the giant balloon they had purchased for the guest of honor
into the car. Undaunted, they simply held the balloon out the window as
My wife and her co-workers weren't prepared for the glares they received
from passers-by. As the long line of traffic in front of their vehicle
began to turn, they saw that their car was right behind a funeral
There was nothing they could do but hold on to the balloon with its
bright red farewell message: "Gone but not forgotten."
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Pat B Visits From Louisiana
Bark bark bark!
BJ: I will see who it is.
Oh hello Pat, first time we have met face to face and you
brought your man with you Gleason.
Pat: We were on our way to Kansas and we had to stop
by and say hello and visit the kids. Hi Katie, Rudy Sandi.
Rudy: Hello Toots!
Sandi blushes: Hello ma'am.
BJ: Excuse Sandi, she is shy.
Why don't you guys spend the night in the motor home rather
than spend your money on a motel.
Pat: Sounds good to us.
BJ: What Katie?
Katie: Can I spend the night with them?
Pat: I would love it Katie.
Later in the middle of the night....Katie is sound asleep. Pat has to
breathing machine for her sleep apnea. So she has a mask on and a tube
going to a machine. Mother nature calls and Pat wakes up and when
she does, she wakes up Katie who sees.... A MONSTER!!!
Katie: A MONSTER!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!
Diana: Get the door BJ.
BJ: Yawn, ok.
BJ opens the door...Zoom... Katie runs by and heads for dad's bed and
under the covers she goes.
BJ looks out the window and sees Pat at the window with her mask and
tubes on..., hair in curlers: Monsters!!!!
The Herd in Guthrie
Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean
Regarding any problems unsubscribing from this mailing list
In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
711 Pine Street Apt.1
Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
- My name is buffalo and I have the watch.
Thursday night I let my computer do updates and turned the
monitor off and went to sleep. When I woke up I turned the
monitor on and got a BIOS alarm for a CPU fan error. One
of the fans had been making a little noise for the past couple
of weeks and I figured it had went bad.. I had Buffy disconnect
all of the cables and slid it over into my bed. This is a full
size Vista era and they are so nice to work on, none of that
reaching under cables and PCI cards to get at something. All
three fans were spinning free so i reconnected just the power
and monitor cord and hit the start button. All three fans
spinning and alarm gone. I figured it was just a hairball that
eventually blew out. I had buffy reconnecting cables as I slid it
into it's place on my night stand while Buffy hooked up the
keyboard, mouse, and internet. After downloading 12 hours of
mail.I tried replying and got a surprise, no keyboard. I checked
the back and it was plugged into the mouse PS-2 port. Since
PS-2 ports are fused and easy to blow, I shut the power off and
turned the power back on and still no keyboard. I turned the
computer off and asked Buffy to bring in her USB keyboard .
she plugged it in and I rebooted, keyboard worked now but
the laser was out on the mouse. I was starting to think I had
power supply problems until I checked cables again. Buffy
had unplugged the mouse to plug the keyboard in.
Hope you are having a great weekend and enjoy the chips... buff
Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than there
are submarines in the sky.
If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.
Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to
When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough
power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.
What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a
pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
Never trade luck for skill.
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation
are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and " Oh Shit!"
Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot
Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully
complete the flight.
A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a
row is prevarication.
I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the
purpose of storing dead batteries.
Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be
held on a sunny day.
Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II. When a prang (crash) seems
inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the
vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.
The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely
kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its
maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the
crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the
bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)
Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am
at 80,000 Feet and Climbing. (sign over the entrance to the SR-71
operating location Kadena, Japan).
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F.
Crickmore - test pilot)
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign
over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a
good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few
opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same
time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there)
"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee
attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320).
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
Basic Flying Rules
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground,
buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult
to fly there.
You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
power to taxi to the terminal.
Signs You're Going to Have a Bad Day
You know it's going to be a bad day when . . .
. . . your twin sister forgets your birthday.
. . . you wake up face down on the pavement.
. . . you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
. . . you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
. . . you see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office. . .
. your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. . . .
your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own
business. . . . you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the
party, and there aren't any. . . . you turn on the TV news and they're
displaying emergency routes out of your city. . . . the woman you've
been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife. . . . you wake up
to discover that your water bed broke and then you realize that you
don't have a water bed. . . . your horn goes off accidently and remains
stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. . . . you
get a rejection notice from the HUMOR Listserver saying that you're no
longer funny . . . your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and
good news..." . . . you open the paper and find your picture under a
caption that reads:
"WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!"
. . . your ex-lover calls and tells you he has 6 days to live, and that
you'd better get the Test . . . you wake up at work naked in front of
your co-workers . . . when someone accuses you of faking humor . . .
your lover tells you, "I'm sub-letting another apartment and the
movers are here to move me."
. . . you have an appointment in 10 minutes and you just woke up . . .
you need your chocoholic fix and the government just banned chocolate!
Take a few minutes to see how well you know your feline best friend.
Your cat sits in front of you & looks lovingly in your eyes. Is it
a) I adore you
b) I can outstare you
c) If you ever get your lazy butt out of that chair, maybe I
Your cat bumps his head against yours.
Is it saying:
a) You are my bestest friend
b) Will you play with me?
c) If I bump this hard enough, maybe it'll break open & tuna
will fall out.
Your cat brings you a mouse with it's head missing.
Is it saying:
a) Here's a present for you
b) I am a mighty hunter-stroke me
c) This would look better surrounded by tuna
Your cat licks his paws.
a) Instinctively grooming itself
c) Getting ready to cat-slap you if you don't give him tuna.
Your cat sticks his paw under the bottom of the door &
Is it saying:
a) Imaginary mice are fun!
b) Please open the door
c) If I can build up these biceps, I can open my own tuna.
Your cat rubs against your leg.
a) Showing you affection
b) Trying to get your attention
c) Trying to push you into the kitchen where the tuna is kept.
Your cat runs ahead of you & then rolls on his back.
Is it saying:
a) Rub my tummy
b) Catch me if you can
c) I am so exhausted from hunger, I can only run 2 feet at a
Your cat backs up to your best piece of furniture & sprays. Is it
a) This is mine! I must mark it!
b) I had a little extra pee I didn't know what to do with.
c) Follow this smell to the kitchen cupboard where the tuna is kept.
Your cat rubs his whiskers against your hand.
a) Showing you love
b) Petting himself
c) Trying to push your hand into the can opener.
Your cat chases a moth in the air.
a) Instinctively honing his hunting skills
c) Showing you he is insane with hunger & will eat
Your cat swishes the water in the toilet.
Is it trying to:
a) Just have a little fun
b) Catch a quick drink
c) Show you that he can always snag a tuna swimming
if you don't feed him soon.
Your cat sleeps by your side, purring contentedly.
Is it saying:
a) I love & adore you
b) I just want to stay close to you
c) I'll be the first one to know when you're awake so you can feed
Your cat sits in the window & stares at the birds.
a) Thinking about how beautiful birds are
b) Wishing it could catch one
c) Mentally telling you that bird-in-a-can would go great with
Your cat sleeps in a discarded cardboard box.
a) Laying where it feels safe
b) Feeling cozy
c) Showing you what size coffin to buy if you don't feed it
some tuna soon.
Your cat munches on your houseplant.
Is it saying:
b) I love to puke up this stuff
c) I'll eat everything in this house that doesn't move if you
open a can of tuna soon. Feed me!
Now your cat meows at the door when you go out.
Is it saying:
a) Please don't leave me all alone.
c) Hey Slave! Get me a can of tuna while you're out.
Your cat digs its claws in your leg.
a) Primal hunting instinct.
b) A love tap.
c) Testing to see if you are tender & "done".
Your cat scratches at the door after being fed:
Is it saying:
a) Let me out-need to use the sandbox.
b) Wanna to go out & roam.
c) Wonder what's to eat next door?
Your cat is sound asleep in the window.
It is thinking:
a) Nothing; he's sleeping.
b) Ah, sun feels good.
c) Can't you tell I've fainted from hunger? FEED ME!
Mostly a-.you are your cat's slave
Mostly b-you're onto your cat's ways
Mostly c-give your cat the car keys & let him buy his own tuna!
Only a Mother ~~
Can listen to the same knock-knock joke 27 times without
hollering "Nobody's Home."
Will be a Scrabble partner with a kid who thinks "cookie"
begins with "k."
Will unwind 56 feet of toilet paper so her little darling Can
have the empty roll...to make a Mother's Day present.
Knows the location of every drive-through window in town.
Knows the exact temperature a crayon will melt on the
Will try to hide a leafy green vegetable in a cookie.
Knows the secret to happy grocery shopping with a
toddler...visit the bakery aisle first and plug his lips
with a big cream horn.
Can cherish the 1,000th bleating of "Twinkle, Twinkle"
from a budding violinist.
Will show up at work wearing Mickey Mouse stickers
on her posterior.
Sees a Picasso in those scribbles decorating the fridge.
Knows all the verses to "This Old Man."
Can deal out emergency lunch money from the dryer
Can find her last good pair of panty hose hitching a
wagon to a tricycle.
Knows the sure-fire way to get three kids to eat carrots...
buy two carrots.
Is limber enough to wrestle a fitted sheet onto the top
Invests fifty dollars in stale macaroons to help send the
French Club to Disneyland.
Will attempt to grow hydroponic tomatoes in one night
for a last-minute science project.
Can see across town and locate a missing shoe from her
office desk phone.
Can switch from cook to catcher in an instant.
Has a bathtub that's filled with little yellow duckies.
Seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people,
promptly announces she never did care for pie.
Please forgive our lack of a fancy template at the moment and
enjoy these pages from our friends.
Writing a Love Story
Just Have Faith!
Rules For US Civilians
I Wrote A Song
Poems Of The week
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very
expensive cigars, insured them against ... get this ... fire. Within a
month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having
yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a
claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that
he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance
company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had
consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.
The man sued... and won! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that
since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted
that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure
the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be
"unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his
loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the
insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000
for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."
After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance
company had him arrested ... on 24 counts of arson! With his own
insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as
evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the
rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one-year terms!
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in
case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as
food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his
"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring
with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the
water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to
come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black
A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a
documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every
single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He
winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a
well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and
tells him about his project. The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought
of the "Butcher Dance."
The guy's a bit confused and says "Butcher Dance? What's that?"
"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"
"No, I've never heard of it."
"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no
see Butcher Dance?"
"UmmSUM. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what
"No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than
"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"
"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher
"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest
darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances.
Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."
"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive
197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for
126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever
see. Here you gotta leave car, coz much to rough for driving. You strike
out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You
follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows
out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here
though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through
mountains. Pass very difficult, very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to
get through rocky pass. When through, head north-west for 4 days 'til
reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock,
walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher
So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a
couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking
state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't
reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.
He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high
and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious
dance which he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions
he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it
for another two until they reach the rocky mountains.
The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his
spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds
the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing
his life's dream. The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as
their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky
equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking
effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.
When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running
low and their feet are covered with blisters but they steel themselves
and head out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they
virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give
them fresh water and they begin to feel like new men. Once he's
recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him
that he has come to film there Butcher Dance.
"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too
late. You miss dance."
"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"
"Not 'til next year."
"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for
"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold
more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher
Dance you come back next year." The guy is devastated, but he has no
other option but to head back to civilization and back home.
The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to
miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite
willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in
order to ensure he is present to witness it.
However, right from the start things go wrong. Heavy rains that year
have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few
miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through
the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree. They reach the
creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through
the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages
for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the
mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale
the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.
Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of
the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their
journey to the rock and then the village enormously. Eventually, having
lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into
the village at about 12:00 noon.
"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"
The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance
performed tonight. You come just in time."
Relieved beyond measure, the crew spend the rest of the afternoon
setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on
celluloid As dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in
white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and
animal skins. Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives
form a circle around a huge roaring fire.
A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a
wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire
body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or
medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief "What's he
"Hush" whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred
of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits
of the dreamworld watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through
our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to
watch over us and protect us for another year."
The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he
removes himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of
drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the
stirring rhythm. The guy is becoming caught up in the fervour of the
moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his
wait has not been in vain.
He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement
ever conceived by mankind.
The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming
voice, starts to sing: "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right
arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about"
Jacob (age 92) and Rebecca (age 85) are all excited about their
decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding.
the way, they go past a drugstore and Jacob suggests that they go in.
Jacob: Are you the owner?
Jacob: Do you sell heart medication?
Pharmacist: Of course we do.
Jacob: How about medicine for circulation?
Pharmacist: All kinds.
Jacob: Medicine for rheumatism?
Jacob: How about Viagra?
Pharmacist: Of course.
Jacob: Medicine for memory?
Pharmacist: Yes, a large variety.
Jacob: How about vitamins & sleeping pills?
Jacob turns to Rebecca and says, "Sweetheart, we might as well register
our wedding gift list with them!"
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