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Clean Chips For thurs

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  • William Brabant
    Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Today begins the yearly ritual of no on street
    Message 1 of 4 , Dec 1, 2005
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      Clean Clean


      Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
      name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

      Today begins the yearly ritual of no on street parking between
      0300 and 0600 and I went out to fire the Oldsmobile up and get
      it off the street and the battery was completely dead. What was
      aggravating was the fact I had bought the battery only a year
      ago and when I tried to charge it, it wouldn't hold enough charge
      to even light the little bulb under the hood. I have always had
      good luck with batteries and they have outlasted the vehicles I
      bought them for and for that reason I never kept track of the
      receipt. I removed the old battery and headed over to K-mart
      figuring the best I was going to do without a receipt was to use
      the battery as a core. I explained my problem to the woman at the
      service desk and was told to go select another battery and they
      would honor the warranty. K-mart now has Diehard batteries which a
      little more expensive than the Champion brand I had bought the year
      before and I revised the estimate for the cost of a new battery to
      fifty dollars or about 2/3 of the cost of the 84 month battery. I
      brought my choice up and was ready to dig for my credit card when
      the woman told me the cost was 1.65. I was amazed and pleasantly
      shocked and paid for the battery with pocket change. I commend
      K-mart on their warranty policy.... buffalo

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      Tax Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Father O'Malley, the rector at St. Mary's answered the phone..."Top of
      the morning to ya !"
      -
      "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?" asked a gent ?
      -
      "It tis himself" answers the priest.
      -
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      Irish warlock

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait

      Bush Joke
      http://buffalosjokes.com/1146.htm

      Oh No..
      http://buffalosjokes.com/1145.htm

      Dear Hunting
      http://buffalosjokes.com/1144.htm

      ...for blondes http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1039.html

      Time To Lose Weight
      http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/006.htm

      Good Luck
      http://buffalosjokes.com/1151.htm

      Bad Hair Day
      http://buffalosjokes.com/1152.htm

      Hog...
      http://buffalosjokes.com/1150.htm

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Cat Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A Letter To The Cats

      Dear Cats,
      We need to talk.

      When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not
      switch positions with each other so there are still two
      cats in the way.

      The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
      your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my
      food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle
      of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
      becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
      aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

      The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is
      not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the
      object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster
      than you can run.

      I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I
      am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
      to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look
      at videos of cats sleeping; they can actually curl up
      in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to
      each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

      I also know that sticking tails straight out and having
      tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space
      used is nothing but feline sarcasm.

      My compact discs are not toys for you and your friends
      to play with.

      For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
      bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and
      manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to
      claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
      under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must
      exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I
      have been using bathrooms for years and I know that
      feline attendance is not mandatory.

      The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other
      cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It should be
      such a simple change for you.

      Sincerely,
      The Person Who Lives Here
      (and buys your food)

      I hope this helps some of you who have multiple cats.
      That is assuming your cats can read.
      And assuming that if they CAN read,
      they WILL read this.
      And assuming that if they DO read this,
      they will pay attention to the requests,
      which is why the letter was necessary
      in the first place because the cats
      never listen to you.
      Was all of this a moot point,
      or just a meowt point? >^.^<
      Yer Hillbilly friend in TN...

      Ross
      PROUD father of an American Soldier







      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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      Short Chips
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      Rita
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      I am Superman.

      Rita

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      Dog Chips
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      Ross

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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Word Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST

      Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning
      submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are
      asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

      The winners are:
      01. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
      02. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight
      you have gained .
      03. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a
      flat stomach.
      04. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while
      drunk.
      05. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
      06. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
      absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
      07. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
      08. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
      09. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up
      after you are run over by a steamroller.
      10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
      11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
      12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted
      by proctologists.
      13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
      14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation
      with 'Yiddishisms'.
      15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die,
      your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
      16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer
      shorts worn by Jewish men.

      Enjoy!Bonnie in SC

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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Toon Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Danger Ahead
      http://buffalosjokes.com/1143.htm

      Dog Dream
      http://buffalosjokes.com/1142.htm

      Dog's Worse Nightmare
      http://buffalosjokes.com/1141.htm


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      Humming Birds
      http://buffalosjokes.com/1149.htm

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      http://buffalosjokes.com/1148.htm


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      Excuse Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      ~ I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous
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      ~ I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we
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      ~ I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

      ~ Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and,
      hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I
      help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for
      calling.

      ~ I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't
      come
      \to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

      ~ The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me
      this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I'm startled.

      ~ The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

      ~ I prefer to remain an enigma.

      ~ I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that
      my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange
      for helicopter transportation.

      ~ I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

      ~ I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

      ~ I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax.
      I insist on paying my fair share.

      ~ I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!

      ~ I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half
      back
      an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum

      loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit
      the loop
      only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi)
      clocks
      in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a
      rolled
      up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.



      Christine


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      Parting Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      A very elderly gentleman (mid-nineties), very well dressed, hair well
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      sip, turns to her, and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"


      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Bonus Chip
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient wakes up,
      sits up and demands to know what is going on.

      "I'm about to close," the surgeon says.

      The patient grabs his hand and says,

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      Rita

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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      Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Katie's Komfort Kolumn
      Vol 488

      Rutherford, Rudy, A Year Later

      BJ is watching TV and Rudy, who never climbs on laps, walks up to the
      foot of dad's recliner and just looks at him: Ahem!

      BJ: Oh, you want something?

      Rudy: Yes I do.

      Rudy starts to climb up on dad's lap. Rudy knows that jumping on dad's
      lap might hurt so he gently climbs aboard.

      BJ: Wow, you have never done this before Rudy.

      Rudy: Doing it now.

      BJ: Why?

      Rudy: Don't have to have a reason. But if I was to say what is in my
      heart it would be thanks dad. Thanks for tossing those dog treats at
      me a year ago. Thanks for petting me outside and thanks for bribing me
      to come in the house. Thanks for getting me my own dog house and my
      own collar and fixing my jaw. Thanks for saving my life dad.... Sniff
      sniff.
      I guess the holiday season is making me mushy.

      BJ: Don't worry about it Rudy. Don't forget Diana played a huge role
      in
      this also. She has always loved you. You came to us around the Holiday
      time last year, you are pure white, white as snow. To us, you will
      always be our Christmas Dog, Rudy Paws.

      Rudy: Sniff hand me a Kleenex dad. This is pretty mushy stuff. I have
      mom, you, Katie, Sandi, Muffin, and Miss Kitty. I have a family.

      Rudy snuggles up and puts his head on Dad's shoulder.
      Dad thinks back to that wild dog, who would not come to him, who was
      terrified of the house, who had the bullet in his jaw, homeless and
      dying.
      Yes, Rudy is part of the family for the rest of his life all will be
      well.
      Sleep well my faithful companion, sleep well.

      The Herd in Guthrie

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

      *********************************************

      Remember 9/11/01



      Regarding any problems unsubscribing from this mailing list

      In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:

      William Brabant
      711 Pine Street Apt.1
      Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
    • William Brabant
      Clean Clean Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo Yahoo Groups just sent the following email Hi Folks, Should have posted this earlier, but I wanted to let
      Message 2 of 4 , Jan 26, 2006
      • 0 Attachment
        Clean Clean

        Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo

        Yahoo Groups just sent the following email


        Hi Folks,

        Should have posted this earlier, but I wanted to let everyone know
        that we are aware of the delays in email delivery that are affecting
        many groups right now. The problem is not related to any of the
        database and hardware work we were doing earlier in the year.
        Rather, the primary cause is the "My Wife virus
        (http://vil.nai.com/vil/content/v_138027.htm), which has caused a
        huge spike in the number of emails sent to Yahoo! Groups. This spike
        has gone beyond the capacity of our current systems to handle, which
        is causing the delays in email delivery.

        We have already taken two steps to address the issue, which has
        begun to reduce the number of delays:
        - We are dropping (i.e. not delivering) all outgoing email that
        includes the virus (in other words, we are not sending infected
        messages to groups).
        - We have added additional server capacity

        And we are planning to increase that capacity even more. However,
        until the virus has fully played itself out or more ISPs have taken
        steps to reduce the amount of email they are sending to us (by
        dropping messages that contain the virus rather than forcing us to
        do it), there may continue to be some delays.

        Our apologies for any inconvenience.

        - Gordon
        Yahoo! Groups Team


        buffalo says


        People, This worm is nasty and has been around for a week now ever since
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        anti-virus and spyware applications are disabled. I had 238 infected
        emails in the Postini filter at my ISP this morning after 12 hours. 6
        hours later I only had 21 so Gordon's and YG's efforts have made a heck
        of a difference.

        The worm attempts to tempt people with promises of pornography and many
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        buffalo

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        Ethical Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Ethics
        Here is a very good test of your ethics: This test only has one
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        Giving it some serious thought. By giving An honest answer you will be
        Able to test where you stand morally.

        You're in Florida.. In Miami, to be exact... There is great chaos going
        On around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge
        Masses of water all about you. You are a news photographer and you are
        In the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

        You're trying to shoot impressive photos, photos that capture the
        Emotion and tragedy of the events. Houses and people are floating
        Around you, disappearing into the water! Nature is showing all her
        Destroying power, ripping everything asunder.

        Suddenly you see a woman in the water She is fighting for her life,
        Trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud.
        You move closer. Somehow the woman looks familiar. You know who
        It is - it's Hillary Clinton!

        At the moment you recognize who she is, you also notice that the
        Raging waters are about to take her away, forever. You realize you
        Have two options. You can save her or you can take the best photo of
        Your life. You can save the life of Hillary Clinton, or you can shoot a
        Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the actual
        Moment of death of one of the world's most powerful women.

        And here's the question (please give an honest answer):

        Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic

        Black and white ?

        Troy

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait

        Snow
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        Senior Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth
        husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.
        Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

        SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean,
        yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together,
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        were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and
        listen to my eight-track tapes.

        MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can
        remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads
        together.

        MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
        many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running
        condition, but walks well.


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        Milk Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Truth Stranger Than My Jokes

        MADISON, Wis. (AP) _ People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals
        wants Gov. Jim Doyle to change Wisconsin's official beverage from
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        calves.

        PETA said in a letter to Doyle that beer is healthier than cow's
        milk, which the group argued could cause heart disease, cancer,
        allergies, diabetes and obesity.

        Milk consumption causes dairy cows stress because they are kept in a
        constant state of impregnation, the letter claimed.

        Cows also suffer because their calves are "ripped" away from them so
        humans can have the milk meant for the calves, PETA claimed.

        PETA first came up with the beer-for-milk national campaign two years
        ago, but it was retired after being criticized by Mothers Against
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        Doyle spokeswoman Jessica Erickson said Tuesday she had not seen the
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        Direction Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Jim Kevin, a good friend of mine just returned from traveling around
        the USA for a year. He had a lot of stories to tell, but this was my
        favorite.

        It seems he was looking for a bank and stopped to ask directions. The
        man he asked replied "Just drive down this road about 5 miles and then
        turn left at the Stop n Go."

        He drove 5 miles, then 6, then 7. At about 10 miles down he stopped for
        directions again. The man he asked replied "Just go back down this road
        about 5 miles and turn right at the Stop n Go"

        He headed out again but still had no luck. When he got back to where he
        had started he stopped again. When he ask for directions the answer was
        exactly the same. This time Jim asked "Could you describe the Stop n Go
        for me?" The man gave him a funny look and said "It's on a pole. It's
        got a red light on the top, a Green light on the bottom...."

        Bruce

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        Computer Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        A huge travel agency in Florida (a major booker of Caribbean cruises
        for blue-haired retired ladies) recently bought an IBM 3090 to handle
        the reservation database. When the deal was consummated, the proud new
        owner asked IBM to install it in a big glass room right behind the
        receptionist's area so all the customers could see the flashing lights
        and spinning tape reels as they walked in - a testimony to the modernity
        of the agency. Good idea, except there are no blinking lights on a
        3090.

        So the service manager offered to build some. They hired a theatrical
        designer to come up with a suitably futuristic "set", got curved glass
        walls to minimize reflections, and installed the mainframe behind the
        "real-looking" facade. The customer declared that it was exactly what
        he had in mind, regardless of what the actual computer looks like.

        Moral: The customer is always right.

        Bruce

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        Random Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        The trusty at a state-prison routed the warden from his bed, shouting,
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        jalopy I think he's preparing to fly the coupe."



        Things are always going wrong with a house. Yesterday, my wife
        called the plumber and when he came in he said, "Where's the drip?"
        She said, "Upstairs trying to fix the leak!"

        I won't say that my parents didn't like me, but on my 4th birthday,
        my parents gave me an abandoned refrigerator. It took my father two
        hours to get the door back on!!


        A woman goes into a butcher shop and complains that the turkey she'd
        bought didn't have a wishbone. The butcher says, "Our turkeys are so
        contented they have nothing to wish for!"


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        linesman, and two officers from the Narcotics Division."

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        LynnLynn's Links
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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Horse Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        A champion steeple chase jockey was about to enter an important race
        on a horse he had not previously ridden. The horse's trainer meets
        him before the race and said, "This horse will win by 10 lengths. All
        you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach
        a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLEE OOP!' really loudly in the horse's
        ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

        The jockey thought the trainer was loopy, but promised to shout the
        command. As he approach the first hurdle, the jockey decided to
        ignore the trainer's ridiculous advice - and the horse crashed
        straight through the centre of the jump, covering the jockey with
        sticks and straw. As they approached the second hurdle the jockey,
        somewhat embarrassed, whispered 'Allee oop' in the horse's ear. The
        same thing happened - the horse crashed straight through the centre
        of the jump.

        At the third hurdle, the jockey yelled, "ALLEE OOP!" really loudly
        and the horse sailed over the jump with no problems. This continued
        for the rest of the race, but because of the earlier problems the
        horse could only finish third.

        The trainer was furious and stormed up to the jockey demanding to
        know what the he did wrong. The jockey
        replied, "Nothing's wrong with me - it's your stupid bloody horse.
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        not deaf - he's BLIND!"

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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        Toon Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        http://www.buffalosjokes.com/32021.htm
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        Swimming Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        A member of the Country Club asked the
        lifeguard how he might go about teaching
        a young lady to swim.

        "It takes considerable time and technique."
        replied the guard. "First you must take her
        into the water, then place one arm about her
        waist,hold her tightly, then take her right
        arm and raise it very slowly..."

        "This is certainly most helpful." said the
        member. "I know that my sister will appreciate
        it."

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        just push her into the deep end of the pool.
        She'll learn in a hurry."

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Parting Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a
        school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went
        off, taking a picture of his license plate.

        The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more
        slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even
        slower speed. Same result.

        "This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer
        thought.

        A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he
        discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Bonus Chip
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        A young mother was asked why she let her small child play in the
        mud. "Because," she replied, "it's easy to find, it doesn't hurt him,
        and it doesn't need batteries."


        Watching the television news, we find that our highways aren't safe,
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        HOST: What?
        GUEST: I said, do lemons have wings?
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        GUEST: Oh my god, I think I just squeezed your canary into my drink!

        Bruce



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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        Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Katie's Komfort Kolumn
        Vol 539

        The Midnight Hour

        At our house we usually go to bed about 10pm... most of us at least.

        Bark bark bark!

        Diana: Grumble, mumble it is 12:30 am. Rudy!

        Rudy: Bark! There is trouble outside.

        Diana: Okay let me get on a coat.

        Outside, Gypsy, the neighbor's dog apparently was tied up at their house
        but she had chewed through the rope and come to our house (her home
        in her mind) and had gotten herself all tied up in my motorcycle.

        Diana: Let me untangle you and tie you to a tree.

        Rudy: Wouldn't do that.

        Diana: You stay out here with her.

        Rudy: Okay.

        1:30 am

        Bark bark bark!

        Whine!

        Diana: Okay I am coming.

        She goes outside and Gypsy has herself
        really in a spot. She has the rope wrapped around the tree and is
        trying to strangle herself.

        Diana: Okay I will set you free. There I need to go to sleep. I will
        check on BJ I can't believe neither he nor Sandi or Katie have heard a
        thing.

        Downstairs in BJ's bedroom

        Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z!

        Diana: Sounds like a chainsaw convention in here.

        2:30 am

        Bark bark bark!

        Diana: Grrr! Enough is enough.

        Diana gets Rudy's leash and goes outside. Rudy and Gypsy are running
        and playing.

        Diana: Rudy get your tail end over here. It is time to go to sleep not
        play.

        Rudy: Ah ma!

        (exactly the way it happened....poor Diana. Last night Rudy barked at
        12:30 and I just said Rudy be quiet and he laid down and went to sleep).
        Rudy did save Gypsy's life

        The herd in Guthrie

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

        *********************************************

        Remember 9/11/01



        Regarding any problems unsubscribing from this mailing list

        In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:

        William Brabant
        711 Pine Street Apt.1
        Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
      • William Brabant
        Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. I mentioned the Navy having a firing range at Camp
        Message 3 of 4 , Jun 1, 2006
        • 0 Attachment
          Clean Clean


          Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
          name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

          I mentioned the Navy having a firing range at Camp Moffett
          yesterday but I have to admit that was one area of training
          that the Navy was lacking in. While our counterparts in
          the Marine Corps trained with workable weapons from day
          one, we were assigned bolt action rifles that were probably
          last fired in the 1930's. Even high school and college ROTC
          groups had working M-1 Garand rifles to drill with. So
          anyhow, weapons training, the one part of boot camp I
          was looking forward to, turned out to be a day long with
          a half day at the range shooting at targets with .22
          caliber rifles. Ten shots from the prone position was it
          for the training. They showed you how to load a .45
          caliber Colt pistol that was used as a side arm by watches
          on board ship but you weren't allowed to touch it. I
          guess that was why they gave us a whole company of Marines
          with shotguns, pistols, rifles and machine guns to
          protect the aircraft carrier from being hijacked by
          a half dozen bad guys with pea shooters, but what about
          the smaller Navy ships? Did they have training courses
          for boarding parties or was it strictly on the job training?
          Inquiring minds want to know heh heh .

          Enjoy the chips... buffalo

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          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          Little Johnny Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          The teacher asked the students to bring one elec-
          trical appliance for "Show & Tell," and the next
          day every kid had something.

          The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring? "I
          brought a Walkman."

          "And what is it for?"

          "You can listen to music with it!"

          "That's nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?" "I
          brought a 'lectrical can opener, it opens cans!"
          "Well done, Kenny. Umm, Johnny, I see you didn't
          bring anything!" "Yes, I did. It's in the hall."

          So the entire class goes into the hallway.

          "Umm, Johnny, what is that?"

          "It's a heart / lung machine hospitals use to keep
          your heart going."

          "Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing
          this?"

          "He said, 'AAAARRRGGGH!!!'"

          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          Short Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          When the car engine developed a slight knock, Bob asked his wife if she
          had bought special or regular gas, but she couldn't remember. "You
          probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could account for the
          roughness of the engine."
          "No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly. "It cost the same
          as always. I told the man to put in the usual ten dollars worth."
          -------------------------------------------
          One day in heaven, the Lord decided He
          would visit the earth and take a stroll. Walking
          down the road, He encountered a man who
          was crying.
          The Lord asked the man, "Why are you crying,
          my son?"
          The man said that he was blind and had never
          seen a sunset. The Lord touched the man who
          could then see and was happy.
          As the Lord walked further, He met another man
          crying and asked, "Why are you crying my son?"
          The man was born a cripple and was never able to
          walk. The Lord touched him and he could walk and
          he was happy.
          Farther down the road, the Lord met another man
          who was crying and asked, "Why are you crying,
          my son?"
          The man said, "Lord I work for the public school system."
          ... and the Lord sat down and cried with him!
          ------------------------------------------------------
          The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement:
          "We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our
          product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has
          there
          ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France.
          Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we
          have
          in common is that we are both yellow."

          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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          downloaded any music, movie clips, or games in the past 2 months, then
          your computer may be infected with "Ad-Ware" and "Spy-Ware"!

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          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          Windows Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          The following are the new Windows messages that are under consideration
          for
          the next version.

          Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

          Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

          Press any key to continue, or any other key to quit.

          Press any key except ... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

          Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

          Close your eyes and press escape three times.

          Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

          This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

          Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

          This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

          To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."

          BREAKFAST.SYS halted ... Cereal port not responding.

          COFFEE.SYS missing ... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

          CONGRESS.SYS corrupted ... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

          File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

          Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

          Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

          Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

          WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

          User Error: Replace user.

          Windows VirusScan 1.0 - Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)

          Welcome to Microsoft's World -- Your Mortgage is Past Due.

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          been
          deleted. The police are on the way.


          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


          Random Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          My husband went on a sudden business trip, and I accompanied him. It
          soon
          became apparent that he could not wrap things up in one day, so his
          employer
          put us up for the night in a luxury hotel. We found a convenience store
          and
          purchased toothbrushes, a razor and
          other necessary items.

          Finally we entered the lobby of the hotel, each of us toting
          a brown paper bag filled with supplies. The hotel manager looked us
          over.
          Raising an eyebrow, he intoned haughtily, "Matched luggage?"
          --------------------------------------
          Aggravated wife to husband who's hiding behind the newspaper: "You can
          stop
          saying, 'Uh-huh.' I stopped talking an hour ago."
          ---------------------------------------
          A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a
          quarter.
          Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad
          realizes
          the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for
          help.
          A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman is sitting at a
          coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of
          coffee.
          At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on
          the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper, gets up from her seat and makes
          her
          way, unhurried, across the market.

          Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles
          and
          starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a
          few
          seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the
          woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman
          hands
          the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar
          without
          saying a word.

          As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects,
          the
          father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've
          never
          seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a
          doctor?"

          "No," the woman replies. "I work for the IRS"



          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          OOPs Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


          ----OOPS

          A photographer for CNN was assigned to cover southern
          California's wildfires last year. He wanted pictures of the heroic
          work the
          :firefighters were doing as they battled the blazes. When the
          :photographer arrived on the scene, he realized that the smoke
          Was so thick it would seriously impede, or even make it impossible for
          Him to get good photographs from the ground level. He requested
          Permission from his boss to rent a plane and take photos from th air.

          His request was approved and he used his cell phone to call
          The local county airport to charter a flight. He was told a single
          Engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
          :
          :Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a
          :hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and
          Shouted,:Let's go!"
          :
          :The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and roared
          Down the :runway Once in the air, the photographer asked, "Can you fly
          Over the valley and make two or three low passes so I can take some
          Pictures of the fires on the hillsides?"
          :
          :"Why?" asked the pilot.
          :
          :"Because I'm a photographer for CNN," he responded, "and, I
          Need to get some good close-up shots."
          :
          :The pilot was strangely silent for amoment. Finally he
          Stammered, "So, you're telling me you're not the flight instructor?"

          Sassy

          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          Boss Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          Kyle and Justin were sitting down to eat their supper with
          the baby sitter when 6 year old Kyle saw the baby sitter sit
          down in his daddy's seat.

          "You can't sit in Daddy's seat!" Kyle exclaimed.

          "Daddy's not home," the baby sitter replied, matter-of-
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          Justin, the 4 year old, quickly piped up, "If you're the
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          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


          LynnLynn's Links
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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          to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@...

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          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


          Short Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


          A blonde and her husband are laying in bed watching TV, an old western
          is
          on. The husband says to his wife, "I bet you breakfast in bed that the
          covered wagon hits a rock and the driver falls out dead,"

          "You're on," returned his wife. They watch the western and sure
          enough
          the wagon hits a rock in the dirt road and the driver falls out of the
          wagon ... dead. The wife gets out of bed and returns shortly with a tray
          of
          food.

          After eating the husband says, "I have to admit that I saw this movie
          before."

          She in turn confesses, "I saw the movie before too. But I didn't
          think
          he was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice...."
          ------------------------------------
          One day a sergeant of long service standing was trying to teach a
          bunch
          of raw recruits how to handle the rifle. The rookies were firing hither
          and
          yon and finally one of them shot the sarge in the seat of his britches.

          "You dumb, [censored, son of censored, censored, censored]," screamed
          the
          sarge.

          A second lieutenant who was with the group cautioned, "Remember, sarge,
          you're in the New Army. No profanities."

          The sergeant apologized to the officer and turned back to the
          recruit.
          "My goodness gracious," he said, "What on earth was your motivation in
          shooting me with unwarranted expenditure of valuable ammunition?"
          ---------------------------------
          A newcomer to the Ashe County political scene was out canvassing votes.
          He
          came to a farm and approached a young man milking a cow. Just as he
          was starting to make his pitch for a vote, an old man came out on the
          back
          porch and called to the young man, "Luke, come on in the house. Who's
          that
          man talking to you?"

          "Says he's a Republican politician, Pop," replied Luke.

          "Well, in that case", says the old man, "better bring the cow in with
          you."


          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          Toon Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          24/6
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          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          Short Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a
          hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new
          technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a
          large,
          intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would
          I
          hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.

          "So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."

          :o)

          A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of
          people
          outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was
          there.

          A farmer replied, "Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died."

          "Well," replied the man, "she must have had a lot of friends."

          "Nope," said the farmer, "we all just want to buy his mule."


          Christine

          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          Parting Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


          One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in he
          said
          to the ticket man:

          "Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get down this train
          in
          Mannheim, but I'm very tired and it is for sure that I will fall asleep.
          so
          what I want you to do is that you wake me up in Mannheim because I have
          to
          close a business there and it is very important for me. Here you have
          100
          Francs for the favor. But I warn you sometimes when people wake me up I
          get
          really violent, but no matters what I do or say you got to get me out of
          this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?"

          So the ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later as the man had
          said
          he fell asleep, and when he woke up he realized that he was in
          Frankfurt. He
          was so mad at the ticket man that he ran over and started yelling at the
          ticket man.

          "Are you stupid or something??? I paid you 100 francs so that you wake
          me up
          in Mannheim. And you didn't, so I want my money back!"

          While the man was yelling at the ticket guy, two other guys that were
          also
          in the train were looking at them, so one turns to the other and says to
          him:

          Man 1: "Look at this guy! He is mad!"

          Man 2: "Yeah! He's almost as mad as the guy they made get out of the
          train
          in Mannheim."


          Christine


          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




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          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          Bonus Chip
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


          Another month ends ...


          * All Targets Met
          * All Systems Working
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          :-))

          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


          Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          Katie's Komfort Kolumn
          Vol 655

          Gifts

          Katie: What are you doing Rudy?

          Rudy: I am fixing this gift up for Tami.

          Katie: It is a pretty gift sack, what is inside?

          Rudy puffs up...: A dead rat..killed it myself. I thought
          it would be a nice present for Tami.

          Katie shuffles her feet,,: Err ahh Sandi come over here.

          Sandi: Yes sis.

          Katie: Look at what Rudy wants to give Tami for a present...
          a dead rat.

          Rudy: Not any old dead rat, but one that I killed with my own
          hands.

          Sandi: I have a present for Tami also.

          Katie: What do you have?

          Sandi: Well my sack is a bit larger. Take a look.

          Katie: Ack! A sack of heads, rabbit heads, mole heads. You are
          a bunch of barbarians!

          Sandi: We hunt. How do you get your food Katie?

          Katie: I order take out. Hrumpt! Pizza to go, Chinese take out.

          The Herd in Guthrie

          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

          *********************************************

          Remember 9/11/01



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