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Clean Chips For Sat

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  • William Brabant
    Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. There has been talk in the scuttlebutt of sonic
    Message 1 of 220 , Oct 1, 2005
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      Clean Clean

      Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
      name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

      There has been talk in the scuttlebutt of sonic booms the
      past few days and I thought I would tell a couple of stories
      of my own. Growing up with a SAC base down the road from us,
      during the sixties you would occasionally get a hotshot
      fighter pilot who would decide to break the sound barrier
      and a few windows at the same time. It was investigated
      and the government had to pay for the windows, and eventually
      they hung a few pilots and the noise stopped.
      It was summer and the parents were in town shopping and
      my brother and I were engaged in our favorite pastime of
      fighting. I was standing in the middle of the gravel road
      that ran in front of the house throwing rocks at the brother
      who was standing in the middle of the yard. Pat ducked and
      the rock hit the large picture window on the house. Being the
      oldest and most manipulative I first convinced Pat that it was
      a rock he threw that hit the window. I then told him that we
      had to come up with a way to get him out of all the trouble he
      was in when the parents got home. Best story, sonic boom broke
      the window and the minute mom and dad got home we were jumping
      up and down saying," Look what a jet did." The parents shot
      that story down right away by remarking that if the sonic
      boom had been loud enough to break the window they would have
      heard it in town too. I reverted to my backup story of " Pat did it."
      and Pat got the blame above all of his protests.

      The second sonic boom story involves the Constellation some
      where in the Pacific. A F-4 Phantom pilot did a fly-by and
      caused a sonic boom. I was on watch down below and standing
      under a supply blower duct that was blowing cooler air down
      into the 110 degree auxiliary room. The concussion knocked
      loose 20 years of dirt and rust from the vent piping and I
      spent the rest of the watch cleaning up the mess. The next
      day they did it again and we taped some old pillow cases
      over the vents for a few days till they were done playing
      around. Enjoy the weekend .... buffalo

      BTW thanks for sharing the thresher memories with me and I
      have included some of them in the Scuttlebutt.

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      Cartoon Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Most cartoon characters remain frozen in time. Though
      they've been around for more than 50 years, the members of the Peanuts
      gang are in some unspecified elementary school holding pattern. But what
      if they had been allowed to age like the rest of us?
      With apologies to the late Charles Schulz. . .

      Charlie Brown:
      Operates Good Grief Counseling Inc., which specializes in manic
      depressives and people who are just having a bad day. Moonlights as a
      pitching coach at high school and college levels. Married to Marcie.
      They have a roundheaded son who wears glasses.

      Linus:
      Developer of Security Blanket Software, which is a hot item on the New
      York Stock Exchange. Worth millions but is actively involved in
      charitable causes, including the Great Pumpkin 5K Fun Run every
      Halloween. The only man who makes Bill Gates nervous.

      Lucy:
      Serving her seventh term in Congress. On her third husband. Claims she
      hasn't thought about Schroeder in years, but the background music on her
      answering machine is Beethoven.

      Schroeder:
      After years on the classical performing circuit, he runs a piano bar in
      Carmel, Calif. Won't let anybody lean on his piano.

      Sally:
      Never quite got over being spurned by Linus. Has a cat named Sweet
      Babboo. Sells Mary Kay.

      Peppermint Patty:
      Women's athletic director at a Midwest university. Her
      fashion credo: "Sandals go with everything."

      Snoopy:
      In dog years, he'd be 350. What do you think would've
      happened to him? Linus has created an endowment at Daisy Hill Puppy Farm
      in Snoopy's memory. Awwwww.

      Rita

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Food Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      How to Know When Foods are Finished:

      FREEZER FOODS:

      ICE CREAM:
      If you can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice
      cream, it's time to throw BOTH out.

      FROZEN FOODS:
      Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem
      in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway)
      by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

      IN THE FRIDGE:

      EGGS:
      When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is
      probably past its prime.

      DAIRY PRODUCTS:
      Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled
      when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage Cheese is spoiled
      when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing
      but spoiled milk anyway - if you can dig down and still find something
      non-green, bon appetite!

      MEAT:
      If opening the refrigerator causes stray animals from a three block
      radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.

      UNMARKED ITEMS:

      You know it is well beyond prime when you've tempted to discard the
      Tupperware along with food.

      ON THE SHELF:

      CANNED GOODS:
      Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should
      be disposed of...V-e-r-y carefully.

      POTATOES:
      Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

      CEREAL:
      It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded
      when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date, or when it
      will no longer fall out of the box itself.

      FLOUR:
      Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it.

      RAISINS:
      Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.

      Rita

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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      Commandment Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      People in Texas have trouble with all those "shalls"
      and "shall nots" in the Ten Commandments.

      Folks there just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks
      out in west Texas got together and translated the "King James" into
      "King Ranch" language:

      The Cowboy's Ten Commandments
      (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie,
      Texas)

      (1) Just one God.
      (2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
      (3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'.
      (4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'.
      (5) Put nothin' before God.
      (6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
      (7) No killin.'
      (8) Watch yer mouth.
      (9) Don't take what ain't yers.
      (10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.

      Rita

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      Bean Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a
      terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them,
      but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat
      lively reaction on him. One day, he met a girl
      and fell in love.

      When it was apparent that they would marry, he
      thought to himself, "She'll never go through with
      the marriage with me carrying on like this" so he
      made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
      Shortly after that they were married.

      A few months later, on the way home from work, his
      car broke down and since they lived in the country,
      he telephoned his wife and told her that he would
      be late because he had to walk.

      On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the
      wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
      Since he still had several miles to walk he thought
      he would walk off any ill effects before he got home.
      So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings
      of beans.

      All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived
      home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the
      door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
      "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you
      for dinner tonight!"

      She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at
      the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.
      At this point he was beginning to feel another fart
      coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the
      blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise
      not to peek until she returned and went to answer the
      phone.

      While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He
      shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not
      only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard
      time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned
      the air about him.

      He had just started to feel better when another urge
      came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded
      like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To
      keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms
      a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.

      Things had just about returned to normal when he felt
      another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his
      other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon
      winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table
      rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table
      were dead.

      While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in
      the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying
      blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10
      minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his
      napkin. When he heard the phone farewells (indicating
      the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid
      his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.

      Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence
      when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long,
      she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After
      assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold
      and yelled, "SURPRISE!" To his shock and horror, there
      were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his
      surprise birthday party

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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      Old Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      LIFE BEYOND FIFTY:



      Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.
      But everything else starts to
      wear out, fall out, or spread out.

      There are three signs of old age.
      The first is your loss of memory,
      the other two I forget.

      You're getting old when
      you don't care where your spouse goes,
      just as long as you don't have to go along.

      Middle age is when work is a lot less fun
      and fun a lot more work.

      Statistics show that at the age of seventy,
      there are five women to every man.
      Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?

      You know you're getting on in years
      when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

      Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

      By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
      he's too old to go anywhere.

      Middle age is when
      you have stopped growing at both ends,
      and have begun to grow in the middle.

      Of course I'm against sin;
      I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.

      Billy Graham has described heaven as
      a family reunion that never ends.
      What must hell possibly be like?
      Home videos of the same reunion?

      A man has reached middle age
      when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor
      instead of by the police.

      Middle age is having a choice of two temptations
      and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

      You know you're into middle age when
      you realize that caution is the only thing
      you care to exercise.

      At my age, "getting a little action" means
      I don't need to take a laxative.

      Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
      As you grow older, it will avoid you.

      The aging process could be slowed down
      if it had to work its way through Congress.

      You're getting old when
      getting lucky means
      you find your car in the parking lot.

      You're getting old when
      you're sitting in a rocker
      and you can't get it started.

      You're getting old when
      your wife gives up sex for Lent,
      and you don't know until the 4th of July.

      You're getting old when
      you wake up with that morning-after feeling,
      and you didn't do anything the night before.

      The cardiologist's diet:
      if it tastes good, spit it out.

      Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news:
      the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

      It's hard to be nostalgic
      when you can't remember anything.

      You know you're getting old when
      you stop buying green bananas.

      Last Will and Testament:
      Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

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      Virus Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Security experts and federal government authorities
      warn that offspring of the dangerous "I love you" e-mail virus
      are now on the loose. As a public service, Mombeau
      presents the following list of "I Love You" mutations
      and how to recognize them:

      The "I Love You, But I'm Shy" virus never
      actually invades your computer, but collects
      data about it worshipfully from afar.

      The "Love The One You're With" virus hangs
      around your computer, but the whole thing
      is just temporary until it can find the
      computer that it really wants to invade.

      The "Happily Married" virus invades only one
      computer and stays with it for life.

      The "Unhappily Married" virus spends a long
      time negotiating with a computer, finally
      invades it, and then strays to other computers
      from time to time.

      The "I Want A Divorce" virus sends repeated,
      hard-to-read messages that your computer isn't
      working and takes half of your computer's best
      data in an ugly network session.

      The "Stalker" virus spends unnatural amounts
      of time monitoring your computer, collecting
      data your computer has thrown away and tries
      to record all of its functions. And it writes rude
      messages to any other computer with which
      yours connects on any regular basis.

      The "Forever Single" virus causes your computer
      to focus solely on other computers with which it
      is totally incompatible or prove generally unavailable.

      The "Deadbeat Dad" virus invades your computer,
      spawns an entirely new database, then refuses
      to help update it as it grows.

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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Parachute Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world
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      the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not
      to die." So he takes a parachute and jumps.

      The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year
      old schoolboy, "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a
      good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute".

      The boy replies "No problem your popeness, there is also a parachute for
      you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag..."

      Jim Tenn

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      Toon Chips
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      Bumper Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      They have found, at the base of Mount Horeb, an ancient cave, unopened
      for three thousand years.

      Apparently this cavern was used by the Israelites to store and repair
      all the army's rolling stock. There were hundreds of vehicles in all
      stages of repair that will keep archaeologists busy for years.

      On of the mysteries was a container holding dozens of pieces of
      parchment that were apparently made to be carried on an upright spear
      into battle.

      The parchments were rolled into separate groups and, when the language
      scholars deciphered them they fell into several distinct groups -- each
      containing a similar set of words.

      The group with the most banners was a thick one with the same words on
      each. These apparently proclaimed, "Shout Huzzah if you love Moses.

      Another group had wording which showed the Israelites grasp of the
      calendar, as they said, "In the name of Cain, Celebrate National
      Brotherhood Week."

      There were some that were apparently done to remind the people of the
      wrath of G-d, as they were printed with the slogan, "If you can see
      Sodom, you're too darned close."

      The scholars were to find, on some, the concept of the mighty figures of
      the bible, because many carried to the words, "I'm Elijah -- my other
      chariot rolls."

      It is amazing to find how safety minded the ancient people were. There
      were several banners which bore the writing, "Remember Goliath: support
      the ban on unlicensed slingshots."

      Finally, to indicate how the Israelites revered their elders, they found
      many banners that simply said, "In the name of Methuselah -- be kind to
      senior citizens."

      One of the translators suggested that these phrases would make wonderful
      bumper stickers for today's Israeli cars, but his idea was turned down
      as being too fanciful.



      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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      Parting Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local
      tavern
      when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their
      pickup trucks parked outside.

      One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or
      recognize my pickup."

      The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make. God
      knows
      we're in here... and he's the only one who counts."

      The first deacon countered, "But God won't tell my wife."


      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Bonus Chip
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A judge in his golden years decided that retirement had become too
      boring. So he volunteered as a librarian at his local library branch.
      A week later, his supervisor, a stern woman in her sixties, called him
      into her office. She cleared her throat and said, "You know, I
      appreciate that when you were a judge you were stern with lawbreakers.
      And you carry that with you to your new job, which is commendable. But
      when someone owes an overdue fine, you can't just - "

      "I had to throw the book at him," the judge interrupted.

      "I know," said the librarian, "but the Oxford English Dictionary?"


      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Katie's Komfort Kolumn
      Vol 429

      The Party

      After everyone enters through the turnstiles, Rudy turns to Dad:
      Where to first? Can we go on the rollercoaster?

      BJ: Sure lets go.

      Katie: I am tired of pushing Sandi can you push her for a while mom?

      Diana: Sure. She never has passed out so from this medicine.

      Katie is a bit nervous.

      BJ: Did she take anything else Katie?

      Katie: Well, maybe a doggie valium.

      Rudy: Well here we are at the Rollercoaster. What do we do with
      Sandi?

      BJ: Well let's put her in the car and you guys hang on to her. Rudy..

      Rudy: I know grab her feet. Katie grab her head and other feet.

      Diana: Strap her in good and sit on either side of her.

      Sandi: ZZZZZZZ!!!!

      The rollercoaster starts....

      Rudy: I have never been in one of these things before, you Katie?

      Katie: No.

      Rudy: Sure is going high...higher, and higher, darn when is it going
      to
      stop.

      Katie: Ack. Look at the drop!!! Hang on Rudy and hang on to sis.

      Rudy: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh words that I can't say!

      Katie: MMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmeeeeee toooo!

      A few minutes later the ride is over.

      BJ: Was that fun?

      Katie checking her pulse: I am still alive, so yes. You Rudy?

      Rudy is still clutching the bar and his eyes are wide open and his mouth
      is stuck open in a wordless shout.

      Diana: Rudy, hello Rudy.

      BJ: Tap him on the side of the head.

      Tap tap.

      Rudy: Oh my god.. is it over? Get me off this thing before it starts.

      BJ: Grab your sister.

      Rudy: She is not here!!! Did I lose her?

      Diana: No, we got her out. We were teasing you.

      Rudy: Whew that was the scariest thing I have ever been on.

      Katie: Come on let's do the bungee jump.

      Rudy: Great I can jump.

      To be continued

      The herd in Guthrie

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

      *********************************************

      Remember 9/11/01



      Regarding any problems unsubscribing from this mailing list

      In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:

      William Brabant
      711 Pine Street Apt.1
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    • William Brabant
      My name is buffalo and I have the watch. Thursday night I let my computer do updates and turned the monitor off and went to sleep. When I woke up I turned the
      Message 220 of 220 , Jul 13, 2013
      • 0 Attachment
        My name is buffalo and I have the watch.

        Thursday night I let my computer do updates and turned the
        monitor off and went to sleep. When I woke up I turned the
        monitor on and got a BIOS alarm for a CPU fan error. One
        of the fans had been making a little noise for the past couple
        of weeks and I figured it had went bad.. I had Buffy disconnect
        all of the cables and slid it over into my bed. This is a full
        size Vista era and they are so nice to work on, none of that
        reaching under cables and PCI cards to get at something. All
        three fans were spinning free so i reconnected just the power
        and monitor cord and hit the start button. All three fans
        spinning and alarm gone. I figured it was just a hairball that
        eventually blew out. I had buffy reconnecting cables as I slid it
        into it's place on my night stand while Buffy hooked up the
        keyboard, mouse, and internet. After downloading 12 hours of
        mail.I tried replying and got a surprise, no keyboard. I checked
        the back and it was plugged into the mouse PS-2 port. Since
        PS-2 ports are fused and easy to blow, I shut the power off and
        turned the power back on and still no keyboard. I turned the
        computer off and asked Buffy to bring in her USB keyboard .
        she plugged it in and I rebooted, keyboard worked now but
        the laser was out on the mouse. I was starting to think I had
        power supply problems until I checked cables again. Buffy
        had unplugged the mouse to plug the keyboard in.

        Hope you are having a great weekend and enjoy the chips... buff


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Fly Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



        Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than there
        are submarines in the sky.

        If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
        helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

        Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to
        pee.

        When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough
        power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

        Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

        What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a
        pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

        Never trade luck for skill.

        The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation
        are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and " Oh Shit!"

        Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

        Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot
        pregnant.

        Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully
        complete the flight.

        A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a
        row is prevarication.

        I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

        Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

        Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the
        purpose of storing dead batteries.

        Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
        person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything
        about it.

        When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

        Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be
        held on a sunny day.

        Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II. When a prang (crash) seems
        inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the
        vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

        The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely
        kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

        A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its
        maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)

        If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the
        crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

        If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the
        bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)

        Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am
        at 80,000 Feet and Climbing. (sign over the entrance to the SR-71
        operating location Kadena, Japan).

        You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F.
        Crickmore - test pilot)

        Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

        There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign
        over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).

        The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a
        good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few
        opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same
        time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there)

        "Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee
        attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320).

        If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

        Basic Flying Rules
        1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
        2. Do not go near the edges of it.
        3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground,
        buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult
        to fly there.

        You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
        power to taxi to the terminal.



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Bad Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Signs You're Going to Have a Bad Day

        You know it's going to be a bad day when . . .
        . . . your twin sister forgets your birthday.
        . . . you wake up face down on the pavement.
        . . . you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
        . . . you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
        . . . you see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office. . .
        . your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. . . .
        your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own
        business. . . . you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the
        party, and there aren't any. . . . you turn on the TV news and they're
        displaying emergency routes out of your city. . . . the woman you've
        been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife. . . . you wake up
        to discover that your water bed broke and then you realize that you
        don't have a water bed. . . . your horn goes off accidently and remains
        stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. . . . you
        get a rejection notice from the HUMOR Listserver saying that you're no
        longer funny . . . your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and
        good news..." . . . you open the paper and find your picture under a
        caption that reads:
        "WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!"
        . . . your ex-lover calls and tells you he has 6 days to live, and that
        you'd better get the Test . . . you wake up at work naked in front of
        your co-workers . . . when someone accuses you of faking humor . . .
        your lover tells you, "I'm sub-letting another apartment and the
        movers are here to move me."
        . . . you have an appointment in 10 minutes and you just woke up . . .
        you need your chocoholic fix and the government just banned chocolate!


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Cat Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



        Take a few minutes to see how well you know your feline best friend.


        Your cat sits in front of you & looks lovingly in your eyes. Is it
        saying:
        a) I adore you
        b) I can outstare you
        c) If you ever get your lazy butt out of that chair, maybe I
        can
        get fed.

        Your cat bumps his head against yours.
        Is it saying:
        a) You are my bestest friend
        b) Will you play with me?
        c) If I bump this hard enough, maybe it'll break open & tuna
        will fall out.

        Your cat brings you a mouse with it's head missing.
        Is it saying:
        a) Here's a present for you
        b) I am a mighty hunter-stroke me
        c) This would look better surrounded by tuna

        Your cat licks his paws.
        Is it:
        a) Instinctively grooming itself
        b) Bored
        c) Getting ready to cat-slap you if you don't give him tuna.

        Your cat sticks his paw under the bottom of the door &
        frantically waves.
        Is it saying:
        a) Imaginary mice are fun!
        b) Please open the door
        c) If I can build up these biceps, I can open my own tuna.

        Your cat rubs against your leg.
        He is:
        a) Showing you affection
        b) Trying to get your attention
        c) Trying to push you into the kitchen where the tuna is kept.

        Your cat runs ahead of you & then rolls on his back.
        Is it saying:
        a) Rub my tummy
        b) Catch me if you can
        c) I am so exhausted from hunger, I can only run 2 feet at a
        time.

        Your cat backs up to your best piece of furniture & sprays. Is it
        saying:
        a) This is mine! I must mark it!
        b) I had a little extra pee I didn't know what to do with.
        c) Follow this smell to the kitchen cupboard where the tuna is kept.

        Your cat rubs his whiskers against your hand.
        He is:
        a) Showing you love
        b) Petting himself
        c) Trying to push your hand into the can opener.

        Your cat chases a moth in the air.
        He is:
        a) Instinctively honing his hunting skills
        b) Excersizing
        c) Showing you he is insane with hunger & will eat
        ANYthing.

        Your cat swishes the water in the toilet.
        Is it trying to:
        a) Just have a little fun
        b) Catch a quick drink
        c) Show you that he can always snag a tuna swimming
        upstream
        if you don't feed him soon.

        Your cat sleeps by your side, purring contentedly.
        Is it saying:
        a) I love & adore you
        b) I just want to stay close to you
        c) I'll be the first one to know when you're awake so you can feed
        me
        tuna.

        Your cat sits in the window & stares at the birds.
        Is it:
        a) Thinking about how beautiful birds are
        b) Wishing it could catch one
        c) Mentally telling you that bird-in-a-can would go great with
        Pounce Treats.

        Your cat sleeps in a discarded cardboard box.
        Is it:
        a) Laying where it feels safe
        b) Feeling cozy
        c) Showing you what size coffin to buy if you don't feed it
        some tuna soon.

        Your cat munches on your houseplant.
        Is it saying:
        a) mmmm..good
        b) I love to puke up this stuff
        c) I'll eat everything in this house that doesn't move if you
        don't
        open a can of tuna soon. Feed me!

        Now your cat meows at the door when you go out.
        Is it saying:
        a) Please don't leave me all alone.
        b) Adios.
        c) Hey Slave! Get me a can of tuna while you're out.

        Your cat digs its claws in your leg.
        Is this:
        a) Primal hunting instinct.
        b) A love tap.
        c) Testing to see if you are tender & "done".

        Your cat scratches at the door after being fed:
        Is it saying:
        a) Let me out-need to use the sandbox.
        b) Wanna to go out & roam.
        c) Wonder what's to eat next door?

        Your cat is sound asleep in the window.
        It is thinking:
        a) Nothing; he's sleeping.
        b) Ah, sun feels good.
        c) Can't you tell I've fainted from hunger? FEED ME!

        Scores:
        Mostly a-.you are your cat's slave
        Mostly b-you're onto your cat's ways
        Mostly c-give your cat the car keys & let him buy his own tuna!


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Mother Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Only a Mother ~~

        Can listen to the same knock-knock joke 27 times without
        hollering "Nobody's Home."

        Will be a Scrabble partner with a kid who thinks "cookie"
        begins with "k."

        Will unwind 56 feet of toilet paper so her little darling Can
        have the empty roll...to make a Mother's Day present.

        Knows the location of every drive-through window in town.

        Knows the exact temperature a crayon will melt on the
        dashboard.

        Will try to hide a leafy green vegetable in a cookie.

        Knows the secret to happy grocery shopping with a
        toddler...visit the bakery aisle first and plug his lips
        with a big cream horn.

        Can cherish the 1,000th bleating of "Twinkle, Twinkle"
        from a budding violinist.

        Will show up at work wearing Mickey Mouse stickers
        on her posterior.

        Sees a Picasso in those scribbles decorating the fridge.

        Knows all the verses to "This Old Man."

        Can deal out emergency lunch money from the dryer
        lint filter.

        Can find her last good pair of panty hose hitching a
        wagon to a tricycle.

        Knows the sure-fire way to get three kids to eat carrots...
        buy two carrots.

        Is limber enough to wrestle a fitted sheet onto the top
        bunk bed.

        Invests fifty dollars in stale macaroons to help send the
        French Club to Disneyland.

        Will attempt to grow hydroponic tomatoes in one night
        for a last-minute science project.

        Can see across town and locate a missing shoe from her
        office desk phone.

        Can switch from cook to catcher in an instant.

        Has a bathtub that's filled with little yellow duckies.

        Seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people,
        promptly announces she never did care for pie.


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




        Please forgive our lack of a fancy template at the moment and
        enjoy these pages from our friends.



        Writing a Love Story
        http://silverandgoldandthee.net/R/Fal.html


        Gospel Music
        http://silverandgoldandthee.net/Js/Gp_files/Gp.html

        Just Have Faith!
        http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/faith.html

        Eagle Rescue
        http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/eaglerescue.html

        Rules For US Civilians
        http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/rules.html


        I Wrote A Song
        http://www.adreamandasmile.com/Frdshp-6/I_Wrote_A_Song.html

        Poems Of The week
        http://brotherbobs.webs.com/




        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Smoking Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very
        expensive cigars, insured them against ... get this ... fire. Within a
        month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having
        yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a
        claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that
        he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance
        company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had
        consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.

        The man sued... and won! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that
        since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted
        that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure
        the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be
        "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his
        loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the
        insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000
        for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."

        After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance
        company had him arrested ... on 24 counts of arson! With his own
        insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as
        evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the
        rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one-year terms!



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Scout Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



        A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.

        "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in
        case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.

        Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as
        food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his
        hand.

        "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring
        with you?" asked the Scout Master.

        Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

        "Why's that Timmy?"

        "Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the
        water is to prevent dehydration..."

        "And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

        "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to
        come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black
        ten!"


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Butcher Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a
        documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every
        single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He
        winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a
        well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and
        tells him about his project. The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought
        of the "Butcher Dance."

        The guy's a bit confused and says "Butcher Dance? What's that?"

        "What? You no see Butcher Dance?"

        "No, I've never heard of it."

        "Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no
        see Butcher Dance?"

        "UmmSUM. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what
        you mean?"

        "No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than
        corroborree."

        "Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

        "Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher
        Dance."

        "Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest
        darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances.
        Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

        "OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive
        197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for
        126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever
        see. Here you gotta leave car, coz much to rough for driving. You strike
        out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You
        follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows
        out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here
        though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through
        mountains. Pass very difficult, very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to
        get through rocky pass. When through, head north-west for 4 days 'til
        reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock,
        walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher
        Dance."

        So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a
        couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking
        state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't
        reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.

        He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high
        and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious
        dance which he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions
        he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it
        for another two until they reach the rocky mountains.

        The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his
        spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds
        the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing
        his life's dream. The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as
        their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky
        equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking
        effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.

        When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running
        low and their feet are covered with blisters but they steel themselves
        and head out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they
        virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give
        them fresh water and they begin to feel like new men. Once he's
        recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him
        that he has come to film there Butcher Dance.

        "Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too
        late. You miss dance."

        "Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

        "Not 'til next year."

        "Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for
        me, tonight?"

        "No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold
        more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher
        Dance you come back next year." The guy is devastated, but he has no
        other option but to head back to civilization and back home.

        The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to
        miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite
        willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in
        order to ensure he is present to witness it.

        However, right from the start things go wrong. Heavy rains that year
        have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few
        miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through
        the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree. They reach the
        creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through
        the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages
        for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the
        mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale
        the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.

        Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of
        the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their
        journey to the rock and then the village enormously. Eventually, having
        lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into
        the village at about 12:00 noon.

        "The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"

        The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance
        performed tonight. You come just in time."

        Relieved beyond measure, the crew spend the rest of the afternoon
        setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on
        celluloid As dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in
        white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and
        animal skins. Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives
        form a circle around a huge roaring fire.

        A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a
        wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire
        body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or
        medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief "What's he
        doing?"

        "Hush" whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred
        of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits
        of the dreamworld watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through
        our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to
        watch over us and protect us for another year."

        The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he
        removes himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of
        drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the
        stirring rhythm. The guy is becoming caught up in the fervour of the
        moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his
        wait has not been in vain.

        He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement
        ever conceived by mankind.

        The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming
        voice, starts to sing: "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right
        arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about"





        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Parting Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



        Jacob (age 92) and Rebecca (age 85) are all excited about their
        decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding.
        On
        the way, they go past a drugstore and Jacob suggests that they go in.

        Jacob: Are you the owner?
        Pharmacist: Yes.
        Jacob: Do you sell heart medication?
        Pharmacist: Of course we do.
        Jacob: How about medicine for circulation?
        Pharmacist: All kinds.
        Jacob: Medicine for rheumatism?
        Pharmacist: Definitely.
        Jacob: How about Viagra?
        Pharmacist: Of course.
        Jacob: Medicine for memory?
        Pharmacist: Yes, a large variety.
        Jacob: How about vitamins & sleeping pills?
        Pharmacist: Absolutely.
        Jacob turns to Rebecca and says, "Sweetheart, we might as well register
        our wedding gift list with them!"



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