Loading ...
Sorry, an error occurred while loading the content.

Clean Chips For Mon

Expand Messages
  • b brabant
    Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. I have to tell you the rest of the story about the
    Message 1 of 286 , Aug 1, 2005
    • 0 Attachment
      Clean Clean


      Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
      name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

      I have to tell you the rest of the story about the grey kitten. Just
      before I was to take it to Nancy's house it wandered off and was gone
      for about a day. Nancy was mildly disappointed and I offered her a full
      grown cat to replace it with, heh heh. The next morning the cat is back
      and by now Sandy has fallen for it and it is even given a name and plans
      are made to have it fixed. Then out of the blue the woman from next door
      comes over and asks for her kitten back. It hasn't been over for the
      past few days so I guess they are keeping it locked up and just when I
      was getting attached to it.

      Dave E. has a bunch of G-mail invites for those who need them.

      Again a reminder for the Herd that I have what is basically an unlimited
      number of G-Mail invitations available. However I DO need an email to
      daveexnav at gmail.com (replace the at with @), and PLEASE mention the
      invitation in either Scuttlebutt, Buffalo's Adult Jokes, or the Nerdy
      Buffalo. G-Mail does appear to work with all of the Buffalo's sendings
      as well as Freddy's Asylum Humor in Uniform so it is a good alternative
      if you are finding your ISP (hint AOL) is blocking some of these.


      Dave E

      That is about it for today so have fun and be careful out there, It's
      Monday.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Please visit our Sponsor
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      What is Hoodia?

      The #1 Diet Pill in America


      It's an organic pill that kills the appetite and attacks obesity.

      It has no known side-effects, and contains a molecule that fools your
      brain into believing you are full.

      Hoodia will suppress your appetite so you dont feel hungry and has been
      shown to to lower food intake by up to 50% in studies.

      Try it today and lose 10 pounds in 2 weeks.
      Click this link:

      http://buffalosjokes.com/hoodia




      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Jewish Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Abe and Esther were flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to
      celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly over the public address
      system the Captain announces,

      "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our
      engines have ceased functioning, and we will attempt an emergency
      landing. Luckily I see an uncharted island below us, and we should be
      able to land on the beach. The odds, however, are that we will may never
      be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our
      lives!"

      Thanks to the skill of the flight crew the plane lands safely on the
      island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,

      "Esther, did we pay our charity pledge check to Beth Shalom Synagogue
      yet?"

      "No, sweetheart," she responds.

      Abe still shaken from the crash landing then asks,

      "Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?"

      "Oy, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

      "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a check for the
      Synagogue Building Fund this month," he asks?

      "Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't sent that one,
      either."

      Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

      Esther pulls away and asks him,

      "So, what have I done to deserve that?"

      Abe answers, "They'll find us!"


      Rita

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait

      Get In Shape
      http://www.buffaloschips.com/50217.htm
      <a href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/50217.htm "> Here!</a>

      Gravestone
      http://www.buffaloschips.com/50216.htm
      <a href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/50216.htm "> Here!</a>

      Cat Woman
      http://www.buffaloschips.com/50215.htm
      <a href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/50215.htm "> Here!</a>

      Brothers And Sisters
      http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/001.htm
      <a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/001.htm"> Here </a>

      A Snowman's Diet
      http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/002.htm
      <a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/002.htm"> Here </a>


      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Future Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      "Everything that can be invented has been invented."
      --Charles H. Duell, Office of Patents, 1899

      "There will never be a bigger plane built."
      --A Boeing engineer, after the first flight of the 247, a twin engine
      plane that carried ten people.

      "Ours has been the first, and doubtless to be the last, to visit this
      profitless locality."
      -- Lt. Joseph Ives after visiting the Grand Canyon in 1861.

      "There is not the slightest indication that nuclear energy will ever be
      obtainable. It would mean that the atom would have to be shattered at
      will."
      -- Albert Einstein, 1932

      "We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out."
      --Decca executive, 1962, after turning down the Beatles.

      "It will be years--not in my time--before a woman will become Prime
      Minister." --Margaret Thatcher, 1974

      "With over 50 foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto
      industry isn't likely to carve out a big slice of the US market."
      --Business Week, August 2, 1968

      "Computers may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
      --Popular Mechanics, 1949

      "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken
      Olson, president of Digital Equipment Corp. 1977

      "This telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered
      as a means of communication." --Western Union memo, 1876

      "No imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to
      nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his
      urging investment in the radio in the 1920's.

      "Who wants to hear actors talk?"
      --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

      "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not
      Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper, after turning down the lead role in Gone
      With The Wind.

      "Market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and
      chewy cookies like you make." --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of Mrs.
      Fields' Cookies

      "We don't need you. You haven't got through college yet." --Hewlett
      Packard excuse to Steve Jobs, who founded Apple Computers instead.

      "I think there's a world market for about five computers." --Thomas J.
      Watson, chairman of the board of IBM.

      "The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives."
      --Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project.

      "Airplanes are interesting toys, but they are of no military value
      whatsoever." --Marechal Ferdinand Fock, Professor of Strategy, Ecole
      Superieure de Guerre

      "Stocks have reached a permanently high plateau."
      --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929

      "No matter what happens, the U.S. Navy is not going to be caught
      napping." --U.S. Secretary of Navy, December 4, 1941

      "While theoretically and technically television may be feasible,
      commercially and financially it is an impossibility." --Lee DeForest,
      inventor

      "Radio has no future. Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.
      X-rays will prove to be a hoax." --William Thomson, Lord Kelvin English
      scientist, 1899

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Do you go to Church every Sunday?


      You're invited to take our short survey and in return we'll enter you
      into our monthly drawing to win a $400 Shopping Spree.

      Just answer simple questions about entertainment, sports, politics and
      more and you could be our next monthly winner. Every survey is online
      so you can check the results of each one and see what America thinks.
      Don't miss this
      opportunity-- register for your chance to win now!

      Click here to Voice Your Opinion & Get a chance to win!

      http://buffalosjokes.com/evita



      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Short Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A man went to visit his doctor. "Doctor, my arm hurts bad. Can you check
      it out please?", the man pleads.

      The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.
      "Hello Doctor," says the arm, "could you lend me twenty bucks please?
      I'm desperate."

      The doctor says, "Aha! I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

      ~~~~~~~

      Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch
      to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and
      self-pitying. She moaned to her Mom and brother, "Nobody loves me. The
      whole world hates me!"

      Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and
      passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Lots of people
      don't even know you."

      ~~~~

      During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I
      married him in the first place.
      "I was just stupid," I teased.
      When he said he was happy to hear that,
      I requested an explanation.

      "People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he
      said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."



      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Ja Rule giveaways wants you to check out the hottest new site for free
      autographed hip hop merchandise!

      Cell Phone Wallpapers
      6 Disk CD Sets
      Jackets

      Click here, or copy and paste this address to your browser:

      http://buffalosjokes.com/jarule

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Embarassing Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Two girls boarded a crowded bus and one of them whispered to the other,
      "Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat."

      Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all her charms upon a
      gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily. "My dear Mr.
      Wilson," she gushed, "Fancy meeting you on the bus. Am I glad to see you
      . Why, you're almost a stranger. My, but I'm tired."

      The sedate gentleman looked up at the girl. He had never seen her
      before, but he rose and said pleasantly, "Sit down, Mary my girl. It
      isn't often I see you on washday. No wonder you're tired. Being pregnant
      isn't easy. By the way, don't deliver the wash until Thursday. My wife
      is going to the District Attorney's office to see whether she can get
      your husband out of jail."



      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Donate to charity and win a Lexus Hybrid Car!



      The Charity Alliance Online raffles is secure, safe, and simple. The Win
      A Lexus raffle makes it easy to donate to a good cause and gives you an
      excellent chance to win a brand new Lexus Hybrid -- the car of the
      future!

      http://buffalosjokes.com/lexus

      Sponsored by
      Charity Alliance Online
      312 Walnut Street, Suite 1600, Cincinnati, OH 45202.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Firefly Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A mother firefly was taking her children for a walk near dusk, and they
      came to a dark woods. "All right, kids," she ordered, "line up, and
      whatever happens, don't shine your light. There are owls in the forest
      and they might fly down and eat you!"

      The small fireflies did as they were told, with the youngest firefly at
      the end of the line. As they were moving carefully along, suddenly the
      mother saw a light far back.

      "Stop!" she whispered. "Who lit the light back there?"

      "I did," admitted the youngster.

      "You heard what I told you," scolded the mother. "Why did you disobey?"

      "Well," said the little one, "when you gotta glow, you gotta glow."




      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Your Loved Ones are Priceless

      Get a FREE Alarm System from the #1 Home Security
      Company, now available from AlarmMyHome.com.

      Need security and peace of mind?
      Better than a dog!
      http://buffalosjokes.com/alarm

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      College Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      There was a student who was desirous of taking
      admission for a study course. He was smart enough
      to get through the written test, a GD and was to appear
      for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the
      interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the
      questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner
      the boy.

      "Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "What's your
      choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE
      real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."

      The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE
      real difficult question."

      "Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!"
      said the man on the opposite side. Tell me : What comes
      first , Day or Night ?"

      The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the
      DAY, sir."

      "How ???????" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said
      to
      himself.)

      "Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a
      SECOND difficult question!"

      Admission for the course was thus secured.



      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      PRIZE AWARDED:A Razor® Air Hockey Table, $2549.99. RESPOND BY DEADLINE

      It simply takes 3 easy steps to get your FREE prize. The majority of all
      prizes offered for this Giveaway are projected to be unclaimed because
      of failure to respond on time. Don't miss out!

      Get your FREE Air Hockey Table worth $2549.99 NOW!

      Just think about the thrill, your very own arcade game!

      But first things first. You must follow the 3 easy steps by the
      deadline. If we don't hear from you by this date, you will forfeit any
      prize associated with the prize number.

      http://buffalosjokes.com/hockey

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      LynnLynn's Links
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-mail
      to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@...

      *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
      Subscribers and Friends

      Carol w/Dedicated to Buster http://www.carolspoetry.com/buster.html

      Teresa w/Choosing http://gransnook3.1accesshost.com/choosing.htm

      Frecs w/What Is Bandwidth?
      http://www.geocities.com/have2_laugh/bandwidth.html

      Sonya & Lourie w/You Will Never Then Be Old
      http://wtv-zone.com/Pinky45662/Inspirations2/LatchOn.htm


      *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+


      Get high-speed internet access for a year. Take our survey and complete
      the participation requirements and we will pay for your high speed
      interent access for a year (fulfilled via $400 Visa gift card).


      Fast web downloads, email, ftp file transfers and streaming video and
      audio!

      Today, high-speed Internet access is all about taking control of your
      time. Less time spent on things you have to do, more time for things you
      want to do. Fast Internet means time to relax, time to stay connected to
      family, time to find a restaurant for the evening.

      Press Here:
      http://buffalosjokes.com/net


      *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

      Surfin Surfari

      Serial Killers Live Here
      http://www.francesfarmersrevenge.com/stuff/serialkillers/

      ZabaSearch: People Finder or Privacy Invader?
      http://www.consumeraffairs.com/news04/2005/zabasearch.html

      Identity Theft Resource Center http://www.idtheftcenter.org/index.shtml

      EarthCam MetroCams
      http://www.earthcam.com/metrocams/

      Who can resist chunky bacon ice cream?
      http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8761783/


      *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

      NOTIFICATION: $50.00 Home Depot Gift Card is waiting:

      Today is your chance to receive a $50.00 gift card from the Home Depot.

      Now is the time to start on those household projects!

      Limited time only, get yours today while they're still available.

      Press Here To Get Your $50 Home Depot GIFT CARD TODAY:

      http://buffalosjokes.com/depot

      *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

      Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)

      Cat Alphas
      http://frogsut.com/Cat%20Alphas.html

      Frogsut.Com
      http://frogsut.com/

      Printer Comparison Guide
      http://www.printer-comparison.biz/


      *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

      Trust us, NO ONE likes dirty or yellow teeth. And that's why we are
      giving you a Crest Sonicare Intelliclean toothbrush for $0.00 so you can
      always keep your teeth beautiful!

      a Crest Sonicare Intelliclean toothbrush for $0.00!

      Have you ever used a Crest Sonicare Intelliclean system to help get

      your teeth cleaner and whiter than ever before?

      Press here to learn how to get one for no cost:

      http://buffalosjokes.com/sonic



      *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

      Animal World

      Doggie Zone
      http://www.animal-world.com/

      Kitty Korner http://www.cfainc.org/breeds/profiles/american-sh.html

      *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+


      Your PC may be suffering from serious memory leaks which may be the
      reason why your PC is running so slow.

      Below are instructions that will enable you to Increase Your Computer's
      Speed, Power, Stability and Reliability in Just Five Minutes:

      Use it RISK FREE For 30 Days On YOUR Computer!

      Our software will increase your computer SPEED up to 200%, as well as
      increasing your Internet SPEED!

      Completely AUTOMATIC, EASY TO INSTALL, Even easier to use, and No
      Computer Knowledge Needed!

      Learn for yourself why we're recommended by ZDNet, PC Magazine, CNet,
      and Millions of Users!

      Press below to download:
      http://buffalosjokes.com/memory



      *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+


      We really could use your help. Please take a moment to participate in
      our very short Oreo's Nationwide Survey. It only takes a few seconds,
      and then you can choose a gift in return for your participation!


      Just for participating you can choose from a years supply of oreo's or a
      restaurant gift card.

      Take this short Survey by pressing here:

      http://buffalosjokes.com/oreos

      *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

      Movie Link New movie

      Pepsi
      http://www.buffalosjokes.com/60547.htm

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Short Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Happiest Man

      The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from
      work: "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in
      this house instead of two."

      The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife
      said: "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."

      But then she said: "I'm glad that you feel this way because tomorrow
      morning my mother moves in with us."

      *************************************

      A Classic Lost & Found Story

      A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa
      Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly
      gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way
      home. "Oh Morris", said grandma, "You've been going to that park for
      over 30 years! How could you get lost?" Leaning close to grandma, so
      that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost. I
      was just too tired to walk home."

      *************************************

      Out Of This World

      A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed near a local
      gas station. On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station
      attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him.

      "Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked.

      "No," one of the other-worldly travelers responds.

      "It stands for "Unleaded Fuel Only."


      Christine



      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Presidential Beer Survey

      You have been chosen to participate in our Nationwide Beer survey!

      Pick your favorite Beer and receive an Year's supply of your favorite
      beer.


      Miller Lite® or Bud Light®? Cast your vote Now!

      http://buffalosjokes.com/pres


      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Toon Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Emotional Baggage
      http://www.buffaloschips.com/50214.htm
      <a href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/50214.htm "> Here!</a>

      Gettin Clean
      http://www.buffaloschips.com/50213.htm
      <a href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/50213.htm "> Here!</a>

      Bowotox
      http://www.buffaloschips.com/50212.htm
      <a href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/50212.htm "> Here!</a>

      the woman of the house http://thepostmanscorner.net/up10grate.html
      <a href=" http://thepostmanscorner.net/up10grate.html ">click here</a>

      unplug me
      http://thepostmanscorner.net/up1grate.html
      <a href=" http://thepostmanscorner.net/up1grate.html ">click here</a>

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      King James Version of the Bible FREE*!



      You have been awarded the entire King James Version of the Bible FREE*
      but as of today it remains unclaimed!

      This edition includes a helpful yearlong Bible reading plan and page
      explaining the plan of salvation through faith in Jesus Christ. claim
      your Bible


      http://buffalosjokes.com/bible

      If you send this email to your friends, family and/or coworkers they can
      claim a Free Bible too. Share your faith today.


      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Short Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      The other night, my wife and I were going out for dinner.

      She put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara,
      toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and said,

      "Honey, does this look natural?"

      ------------------

      Q. What do you get if you cross a pig and a cactus?

      A. A Porkerpine.


      Q. How did the elevator operator feel?

      A. Oh, he had his ups and downs.

      --------------

      My school was so tough that when the kids have their school pictures
      taken, there is one taken from the front and one taken from the side.

      -------------

      Last night I saw a movie with a happy ending..... everyone was glad it
      was over!

      -----------

      Q. How do you kill a circus troupe?

      A. Go for the juggler.


      Q. What did the car say to the mechanic?

      A. Give me a brake!


      Q. Why did the raisin go out with the prune?

      A. Because he couldn't find a date.


      Q. What kind of baseball game is popular with monsters?

      A. A double header.


      Q. What did the fast tomato say to the slow tomato?

      A. Ketch-up!


      Rita


      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Congratulations! You've been selected to receive
      a FREE* HEAVENLY T-SHIRT!


      That's right! You have been selected to receive FREE* HEAVENLY T-SHIRT-
      but as of today it remains unclaimed.

      This free gift will be held for a limited time while quantities last. We
      hope to give you adequate time to claim this free gift. Please confirm
      your address to receive this gift.


      http://buffalosjokes.com/shirt


      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Parting Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      I was tidying up the house but finding the task difficult because of a
      pulled muscle in my lower back.

      As I was collecting the trash, something fell to the floor. Taking a
      deep breath and trying to ignore the pain, I stooped to retrieve the
      item.

      I couldn't help laughing when I realized it was an envelope marked.

      "Do Not Bend."


      Rita


      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



      ATTENTION!!! New Virus Epidemic! I-Worm.Mydoom.a and GaoBot.DQ have now
      infected more than a million computers since they were first detected,
      causing losses of more than 38,500 million dollars.

      Some of this computer viruses disable many Antivirus programs so that
      they remain undetected! PAL Emergency Response is an Anti-virus program
      that works separate from any other program on your PC and will remove
      all the latest computer threats.

      Completely wipes out all the latest viruses from your PC

      Automatic updates saves you time

      Works together with most other antiviral programs for extra protection!

      Improves your system performance by removing previously undetected
      Viruses.

      All versions of Windows supported

      http://buffalosjokes.com/emergency




      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Bonus Chip
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As
      the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man
      burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

      "I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The
      desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those
      roses?"

      "What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"
      "It's even worse than that," he confided. "I broke my wife's hard
      drive!"


      Bruce


      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Katie's Komfort Kolumn
      Vol 374

      Homeland Security

      Katie: Rudy, look Jess is outside sunbathing. Let's go say hello.

      Sandi: I wanna go to.

      Rudy: Sure come on sis.

      Just then a car pulls up and a stranger gets out and goes over to Jess.
      The stranger tries to get Jess to stand but Jess is fighting. Rudy sees
      what is going on and runs over to knock the man down. Katie phones 911
      and Sandi takes care of Jess.

      Sandi: What did the man want?

      Jess: He he he just wanted me to get into the car with him. He said my
      mother sent him, but I know that is a lie.

      The police show up and handcuff the man.

      Cop: Thanks maam, this is the man we have been looking for. He has
      been after a lot of young women. It is a good thing you have your dogs
      here to protect you.

      Jess: They are not my dogs, but the neighbor's dogs, but we are good
      friends, aren't we guys?

      Rudy blushing: Shucks Miss Jess, you know we watch over you and you are
      like our daughter. We protect you anytime.

      Katie: Yes, and from now on, you carry this beeper.

      Jess: It says KSR on the side. What company is that?

      Katie: Hmm, don't worry about it.

      The herd in Guthrie


      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Reduced-fee dental plans from dentalplans.com will save you 20-60% or
      more off your routine dental care fees and expensive procedures. Once
      enrolled, you just present your card when visiting any participating
      dentist and receive your discounts right on the spot. It really is that
      simple! With more than 100,000 participating provider listings, finding
      a provider near you is as easy as 1-2-3!

      >> SPECIAL PROMOTION: 3 FREE Months - Buy any individual or family
      >> dental
      plan and receive 3 additional months FREE! That's 15 months of coverage
      for same low 12 month price! That's a $40 value just for joining.

      >> For a family of five at just $159.95 a year, that's a $239 value!

      DentalPlans.com has become the #1 destination for the smart dental plan
      consumer, with thousands of satisfied customers. Visit us today and
      search for your dentists or a new dentist to save money - all at one
      convenient web site!

      here to find out more!

      http://buffalosjokes.com/dental

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

      *********************************************

      Remember 9/11/01



      Regarding any problems unsubscribing from this mailing list

      In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:

      William Brabant
      711 Pine Street Apt.1
      Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
    • William Brabant
      My Name is Buffalo and I have the watch Buffy and I had to make a quick run over to the hospital today to drop off a urine sample before the appointment with
      Message 286 of 286 , Aug 19, 2013
      • 0 Attachment
        My Name is Buffalo and I have the watch

        Buffy and I had to make a quick run over to the
        hospital today to drop off a urine sample before
        the appointment with the Kidney doctor tomorrow.
        We drove up the cross street to our Main St.,
        Ashmun Blvd. It seems like whatever time you
        hit the main drag during the day the street is packed
        and all traffic is out of town which never ceases to
        amaze everyone as they wait for the traffic to clear.
        Finally after about five minutes the traffic cleared
        for a second and Buffy made her left hand turn at
        the moment someone else was making a right from
        Burger King into our lane. I warned buffy and at the
        same time gave a wave and smile to the Mennonite
        gentleman driving the car and he waved back. Buffy
        of course growled about the Amish dude that almost
        hit her. I corrected her on the basis of the blue shirt
        and the fact he was driving and told her to be careful
        because he might be part of the Amish Mafia and shoot
        her horse or steal the wheels from her carriage. Buffy
        didn't have a clue to what I was talking about as she
        isn't a Discovery Channel fan

        I would like to say this about the new show. I have
        always been an admirer of the Amish for their simple
        life style and accomplishments by working as a community.
        The last thing they needed was a view of church sponsored
        extortion in their communities. The series should be stopped
        because they are worse than a bunch of cow tipping
        college kids running amok.

        Enjoy the chips... buffalo



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Future Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        A Glimpse Into The Future....
        (Original author unknown)


        Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Express . May I have your
        national ID number?"

        Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."

        Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"

        Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on.... lemme get my glasses
        so I can read this card....eh......Okay.....it's 6102049998-45-54610."

        Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan! I see you live at 1742 Meadowland
        Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at
        Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302, and your cell number's 266-2566. Which
        number are you calling from, sir?"

        Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information
        anyway/"

        Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."

        Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat
        Special pizzas."

        Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

        Customer: "Whaddya mean? Whaddya talking about?"

        Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high
        blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care
        provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

        Customer: "Oh man...geez! What do you recommend, then?"

        Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like
        it. It's pretty tasty."

        Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that? I mean,
        c'mon....soybean pizza?"

        Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your
        local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."

        Customer: (muttering under his breath) "All right, all right. Give me
        two family-sized soybean pizzas, then."

        Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids,
        sir. Your total is $49.99."

        Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."

        Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash.
        Your credit card balance is over its limit."

        Customer: "Well, I'll just run over to the ATM and get some cash before
        your driver gets here."

        Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's
        overdrawn."

        Customer: "Never mind. Never mind. Just... send the pizzas. I'll have
        the cash ready. How long will it take?"

        Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45
        minutes. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're
        out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a
        little awkward."

        Customer: "How in the world do you know I'm riding a bike?"

        Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your
        car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up.

        Customer: "Yeah, well, the bike's not bad..."

        Operator: "I'd advise watching your speed though, sir. You've already
        got a July 2007 conviction for speeding."

        Customer: (Speechless)

        Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

        Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke."

        Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us
        from offering free soda to diabetics."

        Customer: "You know what? Never mind - I've changed my mind. I don't
        think I want ANYTHING from you guys."

        Operator: "Have a nice day then, sir. Oh and before I go, I just want to
        remind you that it's time for your daughter's medication about right
        now. And sir? Thank you again for calling Pizza Express."




        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Taco Bell Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



        The $5.37 Order At Taco Bell

        THE MORE YOU READ THE FUNNIER IT GETS...... COULDN'T DECIDE WHETHER TO LAUGH
        OR CRY

        $5.37!That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.

        I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something
        that used to be a Jolly Rancher.Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I
        started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with
        the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.He said,
        "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

        I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change
        hitting the counter in front of me."Only$4.68"he said cheerfully.

        I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?A mere child!Senior
        citizen?

        I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with
        Elmo.Was he blind?As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.Old? Me?

        I'll show him, I thought.I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode
        to the counter,and there he was waiting with a smile.

        Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of
        me,like I could be that easily distracted!What am I now?A toddler?

        "Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"I stared with utter
        disdain at the keys.I began to rationalize in my mind!

        "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!It could happen to anyone!"

        I turned and headed back to the truck.I slipped the key into the ignition,
        but it wouldn't turn.What now?I checked my keys and tried another.Still
        nothing.

        That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.I
        had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

        Then, a few other objects came into focus:The car seat in the back
        seat.Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.A partially eaten dough
        nut on the dashboard.

        Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

        Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,relieved to finally be
        leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.That is when I felt it, deep in the
        bowels of my stomach: hunger!My stomach growled and churned, and I reached
        to grab my burrito,only it was nowhere to be found.

        I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,and strode back into the
        restaurant one final time.There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail
        polish.All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

        All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?At this point I
        was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,and then go
        straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

        Elmo had no clue.I walked back out to the truck,and suddenly a young lad
        came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.He was holding up a drink
        and a bag.His mother explained,"I think you left this in my truck by
        mistake"

        I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

        She offered these kind words:"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this
        all the time."

        All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph
        zone.Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.And no, I told the
        officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

        As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.I handed
        her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.I promptly sat in my
        rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

        The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.

        Jim Tenn

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Muff Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Winters are fierce in Northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he
        was doing a good deed when he bought a pair of earmuffs for his foreman. One
        cold, blustery day, he noticed that the foreman wasn't wearing them. In
        fact, he couldn't recall a time he'd ever seen the man wear the earmuffs.
        Walking up to his foreman, he asked, "Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave
        you?"

        "Oh, they were a thing of beauty and kept my ears nice and toasty warm!"

        "Then why aren't you wearing them?"

        "Well, I did wear them that first cold day, but then, someone offered me a
        drink and I didn't hear him!"

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Random Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a
        wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The
        farmer said, "That's once."
        A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The
        farmer said, "That's twice."
        After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The
        farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a
        shotgun and shot the horse.
        His brand new bride raised all kind of hell with him, telling
        him, "That was an awful thing to do."
        The farmer said, "That's once."
        ----------------------------------
        It was a particularly horrific crime and the judge could not
        refrain from saying so to the defendant. As the defendant was brought
        before him for arraignment, the judge said, "You are charged with
        throwing your mother-in-law out of your fourth-story window."
        The defendant responded, "I did it without thinking, your
        Honor."
        The judge scolded, "That's no excuse! Don't you see how
        dangerous it might have been! What if someone was passing underneath at
        the time?"
        --------------------------------
        A father finds his four year old daughter outside
        brushing their dog's teeth using his toothbrush. Dad asks, "What are
        you doing with my toothbrush?"
        The daughter replies, "I'm brushing his teeth. But don't worry
        dad, I'll rinse it out when I'm done -- just like I always do."

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




        Please forgive our lack of a fancy template at the moment and
        enjoy these pages from our friends.


        Melva
        http://silverandgoldandthee.net/V/Lil.html


        Poems Of The Week
        http://inhisservice.bravesites.com/

        Soaring With Eagles Via Robert
        http://www.youtube.com/embed/wChk5nY3Kzg

        Your Home Appliances May be Spying on You | Fox Business
        http://www.foxbusiness.com/personal-finance/2013/08/15/security-risks-in-your-home/


        Marlene/newpage/gospel
        http://www.wtv-zone.com/summerhoosier3/html1/DriftingToFarFromTheShore.Html

        ARMSLIST - Gun Classifieds Via Dianne
        http://www.armslist.com/

        Scott Weaver Toothpick Art!
        http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/toothpick.html

        Auto MotorPlex!
        http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/automotorplex.html

        Scientists Unveil New Species!
        http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/newspecies.html



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        SoccerChips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



        Top 19 Rejected International Sports Team Names:

        19. Brussels Sprouts
        18. Cannes Openers
        17. Amsterdam Yankees
        16. Vienna Sausages
        15. Belgium Waffles
        14. Manila Folders
        13. Czech Bouncers
        12. New Delhi Catessans
        11. Buenos Airheads
        10. Guadalajara Krishnas
        9. Iraqi Raccoons
        8. Bolivia DeHavillands
        7. Seoul Brothers
        6. Taipei Personalities
        5. Syria Killers
        4. Hungary Jacks
        3. Dublin Mint Twins
        2. Prague Tologists
        1. Peking Toms

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Dog Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        DOG SENSE

        The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his
        tail instead of his tongue. -Anonymous

        Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence
        that you are wonderful. -Ann Landers

        If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to
        go where they went. -Will Rogers

        There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking
        your face. -Ben Williams

        A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than
        he loves himself. -Josh Billings

        The average dog is a nicer person than the average person
        -Andy Rooney

        We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and
        love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all.
        It's the best deal man has ever made. -M. Acklam

        Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who
        are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
        -Sigmund Freud

        I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
        cult. -Rita Rudner

        A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn
        around three times before lying down. -Robert Benchley

        Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current
        events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of
        late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are
        often continued in the next yard. -Dave Barry

        Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed
        a dog. -Franklin P. Jones

        If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
        known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. -James Thurber

        If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. -Unknown

        My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to
        $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. -Joe
        Weinstein

        Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here
        we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing
        haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're
        the greatest hunters on earth! -Anne Tyler

        Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs
        should relax and get used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein

        Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. -Dave Miliman

        If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he
        will not bite you; that is the principal difference between
        a dog and a man. -Mark Twain

        You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will
        give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never
        would've thought of that!' -Dave Barry

        Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. -Roger Caras

        If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog
        biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of
        them. -Phil Pastoret

        My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog already thinks I am.
        -Unknown



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Short Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        At my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking
        through a photo album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma, so many of
        these styles have come back over the years," I commented.
        Grandma never hesitated. "That's why I've kept Grandpa all this
        time," she said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these
        days."
        --------------------------------
        No one is more cautious than a first-time parent.
        After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I
        bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet.
        The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-checked
        all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway,
        carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar,
        accidentally kicked her right in the chin.



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Parting Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        SEATTLE, Washington (Reuters) -- A black bear was found passed out at a
        campground in Washington state recently after guzzling down three dozen
        cans of a local beer, a campground worker said on Wednesday.

        "We noticed a bear sleeping on the common lawn and wondered what was
        going on until we discovered that there were a lot of beer cans lying
        around," said Lisa Broxson, a worker at the Baker Lake Resort, 80 miles
        (129 km) northeast of Seattle.

        The hard-drinking bear, estimated to be about two years old, broke into
        campers' coolers and, using his claws and teeth to open the cans,
        swilled down the suds.

        It turns out the bear was a bit of a beer sophisticate. He tried a
        mass-market Busch beer, but switched to Rainier Beer, a local ale, and
        stuck with it for his drinking binge.

        Wildlife agents chased the bear away, but it returned the next day, said
        Broxson.

        They set a trap using as bait some doughnuts, honey and two cans of
        Rainier Beer. It worked, and the bear was captured for relocation.



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

        *********************************************

        Remember 9/11/01



        Regarding any problems unsubscribing from this opt-in mailing list

        In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:

        William Brabant
        711 Pine Street Apt.1
        Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
      Your message has been successfully submitted and would be delivered to recipients shortly.