Clean Chips For Mon
- Clean Clean
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I have to tell you the rest of the story about the grey kitten. Just
before I was to take it to Nancy's house it wandered off and was gone
for about a day. Nancy was mildly disappointed and I offered her a full
grown cat to replace it with, heh heh. The next morning the cat is back
and by now Sandy has fallen for it and it is even given a name and plans
are made to have it fixed. Then out of the blue the woman from next door
comes over and asks for her kitten back. It hasn't been over for the
past few days so I guess they are keeping it locked up and just when I
was getting attached to it.
Dave E. has a bunch of G-mail invites for those who need them.
Again a reminder for the Herd that I have what is basically an unlimited
number of G-Mail invitations available. However I DO need an email to
daveexnav at gmail.com (replace the at with @), and PLEASE mention the
invitation in either Scuttlebutt, Buffalo's Adult Jokes, or the Nerdy
Buffalo. G-Mail does appear to work with all of the Buffalo's sendings
as well as Freddy's Asylum Humor in Uniform so it is a good alternative
if you are finding your ISP (hint AOL) is blocking some of these.
That is about it for today so have fun and be careful out there, It's
Please visit our Sponsor
What is Hoodia?
The #1 Diet Pill in America
It's an organic pill that kills the appetite and attacks obesity.
It has no known side-effects, and contains a molecule that fools your
brain into believing you are full.
Hoodia will suppress your appetite so you dont feel hungry and has been
shown to to lower food intake by up to 50% in studies.
Try it today and lose 10 pounds in 2 weeks.
Click this link:
Abe and Esther were flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to
celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly over the public address
system the Captain announces,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our
engines have ceased functioning, and we will attempt an emergency
landing. Luckily I see an uncharted island below us, and we should be
able to land on the beach. The odds, however, are that we will may never
be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew the plane lands safely on the
island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,
"Esther, did we pay our charity pledge check to Beth Shalom Synagogue
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe still shaken from the crash landing then asks,
"Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?"
"Oy, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a check for the
Synagogue Building Fund this month," he asks?
"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't sent that one,
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him,
"So, what have I done to deserve that?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
Get In Shape
<a href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/50217.htm "> Here!</a>
<a href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/50216.htm "> Here!</a>
<a href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/50215.htm "> Here!</a>
Brothers And Sisters
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/001.htm"> Here </a>
A Snowman's Diet
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/002.htm"> Here </a>
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
--Charles H. Duell, Office of Patents, 1899
"There will never be a bigger plane built."
--A Boeing engineer, after the first flight of the 247, a twin engine
plane that carried ten people.
"Ours has been the first, and doubtless to be the last, to visit this
-- Lt. Joseph Ives after visiting the Grand Canyon in 1861.
"There is not the slightest indication that nuclear energy will ever be
obtainable. It would mean that the atom would have to be shattered at
-- Albert Einstein, 1932
"We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out."
--Decca executive, 1962, after turning down the Beatles.
"It will be years--not in my time--before a woman will become Prime
Minister." --Margaret Thatcher, 1974
"With over 50 foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto
industry isn't likely to carve out a big slice of the US market."
--Business Week, August 2, 1968
"Computers may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, 1949
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken
Olson, president of Digital Equipment Corp. 1977
"This telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered
as a means of communication." --Western Union memo, 1876
"No imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to
nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his
urging investment in the radio in the 1920's.
"Who wants to hear actors talk?"
--H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not
Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper, after turning down the lead role in Gone
With The Wind.
"Market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and
chewy cookies like you make." --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of Mrs.
"We don't need you. You haven't got through college yet." --Hewlett
Packard excuse to Steve Jobs, who founded Apple Computers instead.
"I think there's a world market for about five computers." --Thomas J.
Watson, chairman of the board of IBM.
"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives."
--Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project.
"Airplanes are interesting toys, but they are of no military value
whatsoever." --Marechal Ferdinand Fock, Professor of Strategy, Ecole
Superieure de Guerre
"Stocks have reached a permanently high plateau."
--Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929
"No matter what happens, the U.S. Navy is not going to be caught
napping." --U.S. Secretary of Navy, December 4, 1941
"While theoretically and technically television may be feasible,
commercially and financially it is an impossibility." --Lee DeForest,
"Radio has no future. Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.
X-rays will prove to be a hoax." --William Thomson, Lord Kelvin English
Do you go to Church every Sunday?
You're invited to take our short survey and in return we'll enter you
into our monthly drawing to win a $400 Shopping Spree.
Just answer simple questions about entertainment, sports, politics and
more and you could be our next monthly winner. Every survey is online
so you can check the results of each one and see what America thinks.
Don't miss this
opportunity-- register for your chance to win now!
Click here to Voice Your Opinion & Get a chance to win!
A man went to visit his doctor. "Doctor, my arm hurts bad. Can you check
it out please?", the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.
"Hello Doctor," says the arm, "could you lend me twenty bucks please?
The doctor says, "Aha! I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"
Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch
to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and
self-pitying. She moaned to her Mom and brother, "Nobody loves me. The
whole world hates me!"
Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and
passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Lots of people
don't even know you."
During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I
married him in the first place.
"I was just stupid," I teased.
When he said he was happy to hear that,
I requested an explanation.
"People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he
said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."
Ja Rule giveaways wants you to check out the hottest new site for free
autographed hip hop merchandise!
Cell Phone Wallpapers
6 Disk CD Sets
Click here, or copy and paste this address to your browser:
Two girls boarded a crowded bus and one of them whispered to the other,
"Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat."
Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all her charms upon a
gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily. "My dear Mr.
Wilson," she gushed, "Fancy meeting you on the bus. Am I glad to see you
. Why, you're almost a stranger. My, but I'm tired."
The sedate gentleman looked up at the girl. He had never seen her
before, but he rose and said pleasantly, "Sit down, Mary my girl. It
isn't often I see you on washday. No wonder you're tired. Being pregnant
isn't easy. By the way, don't deliver the wash until Thursday. My wife
is going to the District Attorney's office to see whether she can get
your husband out of jail."
Donate to charity and win a Lexus Hybrid Car!
The Charity Alliance Online raffles is secure, safe, and simple. The Win
A Lexus raffle makes it easy to donate to a good cause and gives you an
excellent chance to win a brand new Lexus Hybrid -- the car of the
Charity Alliance Online
312 Walnut Street, Suite 1600, Cincinnati, OH 45202.
A mother firefly was taking her children for a walk near dusk, and they
came to a dark woods. "All right, kids," she ordered, "line up, and
whatever happens, don't shine your light. There are owls in the forest
and they might fly down and eat you!"
The small fireflies did as they were told, with the youngest firefly at
the end of the line. As they were moving carefully along, suddenly the
mother saw a light far back.
"Stop!" she whispered. "Who lit the light back there?"
"I did," admitted the youngster.
"You heard what I told you," scolded the mother. "Why did you disobey?"
"Well," said the little one, "when you gotta glow, you gotta glow."
Your Loved Ones are Priceless
Get a FREE Alarm System from the #1 Home Security
Company, now available from AlarmMyHome.com.
Need security and peace of mind?
Better than a dog!
There was a student who was desirous of taking
admission for a study course. He was smart enough
to get through the written test, a GD and was to appear
for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the
interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the
questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner
"Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "What's your
choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE
real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."
The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE
real difficult question."
"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!"
said the man on the opposite side. Tell me : What comes
first , Day or Night ?"
The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the
"How ???????" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said
"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a
SECOND difficult question!"
Admission for the course was thus secured.
PRIZE AWARDED:A Razor® Air Hockey Table, $2549.99. RESPOND BY DEADLINE
It simply takes 3 easy steps to get your FREE prize. The majority of all
prizes offered for this Giveaway are projected to be unclaimed because
of failure to respond on time. Don't miss out!
Get your FREE Air Hockey Table worth $2549.99 NOW!
Just think about the thrill, your very own arcade game!
But first things first. You must follow the 3 easy steps by the
deadline. If we don't hear from you by this date, you will forfeit any
prize associated with the prize number.
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-mail
Subscribers and Friends
Carol w/Dedicated to Buster http://www.carolspoetry.com/buster.html
Teresa w/Choosing http://gransnook3.1accesshost.com/choosing.htm
Frecs w/What Is Bandwidth?
Sonya & Lourie w/You Will Never Then Be Old
Get high-speed internet access for a year. Take our survey and complete
the participation requirements and we will pay for your high speed
interent access for a year (fulfilled via $400 Visa gift card).
Fast web downloads, email, ftp file transfers and streaming video and
Today, high-speed Internet access is all about taking control of your
time. Less time spent on things you have to do, more time for things you
want to do. Fast Internet means time to relax, time to stay connected to
family, time to find a restaurant for the evening.
Serial Killers Live Here
ZabaSearch: People Finder or Privacy Invader?
Identity Theft Resource Center http://www.idtheftcenter.org/index.shtml
Who can resist chunky bacon ice cream?
NOTIFICATION: $50.00 Home Depot Gift Card is waiting:
Today is your chance to receive a $50.00 gift card from the Home Depot.
Now is the time to start on those household projects!
Limited time only, get yours today while they're still available.
Press Here To Get Your $50 Home Depot GIFT CARD TODAY:
Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)
Printer Comparison Guide
Trust us, NO ONE likes dirty or yellow teeth. And that's why we are
giving you a Crest Sonicare Intelliclean toothbrush for $0.00 so you can
always keep your teeth beautiful!
a Crest Sonicare Intelliclean toothbrush for $0.00!
Have you ever used a Crest Sonicare Intelliclean system to help get
your teeth cleaner and whiter than ever before?
Press here to learn how to get one for no cost:
Kitty Korner http://www.cfainc.org/breeds/profiles/american-sh.html
Your PC may be suffering from serious memory leaks which may be the
reason why your PC is running so slow.
Below are instructions that will enable you to Increase Your Computer's
Speed, Power, Stability and Reliability in Just Five Minutes:
Use it RISK FREE For 30 Days On YOUR Computer!
Our software will increase your computer SPEED up to 200%, as well as
increasing your Internet SPEED!
Completely AUTOMATIC, EASY TO INSTALL, Even easier to use, and No
Computer Knowledge Needed!
Learn for yourself why we're recommended by ZDNet, PC Magazine, CNet,
and Millions of Users!
Press below to download:
We really could use your help. Please take a moment to participate in
our very short Oreo's Nationwide Survey. It only takes a few seconds,
and then you can choose a gift in return for your participation!
Just for participating you can choose from a years supply of oreo's or a
restaurant gift card.
Take this short Survey by pressing here:
Movie Link New movie
The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from
work: "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in
this house instead of two."
The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife
said: "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."
But then she said: "I'm glad that you feel this way because tomorrow
morning my mother moves in with us."
A Classic Lost & Found Story
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa
Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly
gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way
home. "Oh Morris", said grandma, "You've been going to that park for
over 30 years! How could you get lost?" Leaning close to grandma, so
that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost. I
was just too tired to walk home."
Out Of This World
A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed near a local
gas station. On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station
attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him.
"Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked.
"No," one of the other-worldly travelers responds.
"It stands for "Unleaded Fuel Only."
Presidential Beer Survey
You have been chosen to participate in our Nationwide Beer survey!
Pick your favorite Beer and receive an Year's supply of your favorite
Miller Lite® or Bud Light®? Cast your vote Now!
<a href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/50214.htm "> Here!</a>
<a href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/50213.htm "> Here!</a>
<a href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/50212.htm "> Here!</a>
the woman of the house http://thepostmanscorner.net/up10grate.html
<a href=" http://thepostmanscorner.net/up10grate.html ">click here</a>
<a href=" http://thepostmanscorner.net/up1grate.html ">click here</a>
King James Version of the Bible FREE*!
You have been awarded the entire King James Version of the Bible FREE*
but as of today it remains unclaimed!
This edition includes a helpful yearlong Bible reading plan and page
explaining the plan of salvation through faith in Jesus Christ. claim
If you send this email to your friends, family and/or coworkers they can
claim a Free Bible too. Share your faith today.
The other night, my wife and I were going out for dinner.
She put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara,
toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and said,
"Honey, does this look natural?"
Q. What do you get if you cross a pig and a cactus?
A. A Porkerpine.
Q. How did the elevator operator feel?
A. Oh, he had his ups and downs.
My school was so tough that when the kids have their school pictures
taken, there is one taken from the front and one taken from the side.
Last night I saw a movie with a happy ending..... everyone was glad it
Q. How do you kill a circus troupe?
A. Go for the juggler.
Q. What did the car say to the mechanic?
A. Give me a brake!
Q. Why did the raisin go out with the prune?
A. Because he couldn't find a date.
Q. What kind of baseball game is popular with monsters?
A. A double header.
Q. What did the fast tomato say to the slow tomato?
Congratulations! You've been selected to receive
a FREE* HEAVENLY T-SHIRT!
That's right! You have been selected to receive FREE* HEAVENLY T-SHIRT-
but as of today it remains unclaimed.
This free gift will be held for a limited time while quantities last. We
hope to give you adequate time to claim this free gift. Please confirm
your address to receive this gift.
I was tidying up the house but finding the task difficult because of a
pulled muscle in my lower back.
As I was collecting the trash, something fell to the floor. Taking a
deep breath and trying to ignore the pain, I stooped to retrieve the
I couldn't help laughing when I realized it was an envelope marked.
"Do Not Bend."
ATTENTION!!! New Virus Epidemic! I-Worm.Mydoom.a and GaoBot.DQ have now
infected more than a million computers since they were first detected,
causing losses of more than 38,500 million dollars.
Some of this computer viruses disable many Antivirus programs so that
they remain undetected! PAL Emergency Response is an Anti-virus program
that works separate from any other program on your PC and will remove
all the latest computer threats.
Completely wipes out all the latest viruses from your PC
Automatic updates saves you time
Works together with most other antiviral programs for extra protection!
Improves your system performance by removing previously undetected
All versions of Windows supported
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As
the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man
burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.
"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The
desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those
"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"
"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I broke my wife's hard
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Katie: Rudy, look Jess is outside sunbathing. Let's go say hello.
Sandi: I wanna go to.
Rudy: Sure come on sis.
Just then a car pulls up and a stranger gets out and goes over to Jess.
The stranger tries to get Jess to stand but Jess is fighting. Rudy sees
what is going on and runs over to knock the man down. Katie phones 911
and Sandi takes care of Jess.
Sandi: What did the man want?
Jess: He he he just wanted me to get into the car with him. He said my
mother sent him, but I know that is a lie.
The police show up and handcuff the man.
Cop: Thanks maam, this is the man we have been looking for. He has
been after a lot of young women. It is a good thing you have your dogs
here to protect you.
Jess: They are not my dogs, but the neighbor's dogs, but we are good
friends, aren't we guys?
Rudy blushing: Shucks Miss Jess, you know we watch over you and you are
like our daughter. We protect you anytime.
Katie: Yes, and from now on, you carry this beeper.
Jess: It says KSR on the side. What company is that?
Katie: Hmm, don't worry about it.
The herd in Guthrie
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
Reduced-fee dental plans from dentalplans.com will save you 20-60% or
more off your routine dental care fees and expensive procedures. Once
enrolled, you just present your card when visiting any participating
dentist and receive your discounts right on the spot. It really is that
simple! With more than 100,000 participating provider listings, finding
a provider near you is as easy as 1-2-3!
>> SPECIAL PROMOTION: 3 FREE Months - Buy any individual or familyplan and receive 3 additional months FREE! That's 15 months of coverage
for same low 12 month price! That's a $40 value just for joining.
>> For a family of five at just $159.95 a year, that's a $239 value!DentalPlans.com has become the #1 destination for the smart dental plan
consumer, with thousands of satisfied customers. Visit us today and
search for your dentists or a new dentist to save money - all at one
convenient web site!
here to find out more!
Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean
Regarding any problems unsubscribing from this mailing list
In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
711 Pine Street Apt.1
Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
- My Name is Buffalo and I have the watch
Buffy and I had to make a quick run over to the
hospital today to drop off a urine sample before
the appointment with the Kidney doctor tomorrow.
We drove up the cross street to our Main St.,
Ashmun Blvd. It seems like whatever time you
hit the main drag during the day the street is packed
and all traffic is out of town which never ceases to
amaze everyone as they wait for the traffic to clear.
Finally after about five minutes the traffic cleared
for a second and Buffy made her left hand turn at
the moment someone else was making a right from
Burger King into our lane. I warned buffy and at the
same time gave a wave and smile to the Mennonite
gentleman driving the car and he waved back. Buffy
of course growled about the Amish dude that almost
hit her. I corrected her on the basis of the blue shirt
and the fact he was driving and told her to be careful
because he might be part of the Amish Mafia and shoot
her horse or steal the wheels from her carriage. Buffy
didn't have a clue to what I was talking about as she
isn't a Discovery Channel fan
I would like to say this about the new show. I have
always been an admirer of the Amish for their simple
life style and accomplishments by working as a community.
The last thing they needed was a view of church sponsored
extortion in their communities. The series should be stopped
because they are worse than a bunch of cow tipping
college kids running amok.
Enjoy the chips... buffalo
A Glimpse Into The Future....
(Original author unknown)
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Express . May I have your
national ID number?"
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."
Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on.... lemme get my glasses
so I can read this card....eh......Okay.....it's 6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan! I see you live at 1742 Meadowland
Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at
Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302, and your cell number's 266-2566. Which
number are you calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information
Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean? Whaddya talking about?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high
blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care
provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."
Customer: "Oh man...geez! What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like
it. It's pretty tasty."
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that? I mean,
Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your
local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."
Customer: (muttering under his breath) "All right, all right. Give me
two family-sized soybean pizzas, then."
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids,
sir. Your total is $49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash.
Your credit card balance is over its limit."
Customer: "Well, I'll just run over to the ATM and get some cash before
your driver gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's
Customer: "Never mind. Never mind. Just... send the pizzas. I'll have
the cash ready. How long will it take?"
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45
minutes. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're
out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a
Customer: "How in the world do you know I'm riding a bike?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your
car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up.
Customer: "Yeah, well, the bike's not bad..."
Operator: "I'd advise watching your speed though, sir. You've already
got a July 2007 conviction for speeding."
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us
from offering free soda to diabetics."
Customer: "You know what? Never mind - I've changed my mind. I don't
think I want ANYTHING from you guys."
Operator: "Have a nice day then, sir. Oh and before I go, I just want to
remind you that it's time for your daughter's medication about right
now. And sir? Thank you again for calling Pizza Express."
Taco Bell Chips
The $5.37 Order At Taco Bell
THE MORE YOU READ THE FUNNIER IT GETS...... COULDN'T DECIDE WHETHER TO LAUGH
$5.37!That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something
that used to be a Jolly Rancher.Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I
started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with
the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.He said,
"It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change
hitting the counter in front of me."Only$4.68"he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?A mere child!Senior
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with
Elmo.Was he blind?As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought.I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode
to the counter,and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of
me,like I could be that easily distracted!What am I now?A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"I stared with utter
disdain at the keys.I began to rationalize in my mind!
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck.I slipped the key into the ignition,
but it wouldn't turn.What now?I checked my keys and tried another.Still
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.I
had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus:The car seat in the back
seat.Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.A partially eaten dough
nut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,relieved to finally be
leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.That is when I felt it, deep in the
bowels of my stomach: hunger!My stomach growled and churned, and I reached
to grab my burrito,only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,and strode back into the
restaurant one final time.There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail
polish.All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?At this point I
was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,and then go
straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue.I walked back out to the truck,and suddenly a young lad
came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.He was holding up a drink
and a bag.His mother explained,"I think you left this in my truck by
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words:"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this
all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph
zone.Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.And no, I told the
officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.I handed
her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.I promptly sat in my
rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.
Winters are fierce in Northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he
was doing a good deed when he bought a pair of earmuffs for his foreman. One
cold, blustery day, he noticed that the foreman wasn't wearing them. In
fact, he couldn't recall a time he'd ever seen the man wear the earmuffs.
Walking up to his foreman, he asked, "Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave
"Oh, they were a thing of beauty and kept my ears nice and toasty warm!"
"Then why aren't you wearing them?"
"Well, I did wear them that first cold day, but then, someone offered me a
drink and I didn't hear him!"
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a
wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The
farmer said, "That's once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The
farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The
farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a
shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride raised all kind of hell with him, telling
him, "That was an awful thing to do."
The farmer said, "That's once."
It was a particularly horrific crime and the judge could not
refrain from saying so to the defendant. As the defendant was brought
before him for arraignment, the judge said, "You are charged with
throwing your mother-in-law out of your fourth-story window."
The defendant responded, "I did it without thinking, your
The judge scolded, "That's no excuse! Don't you see how
dangerous it might have been! What if someone was passing underneath at
A father finds his four year old daughter outside
brushing their dog's teeth using his toothbrush. Dad asks, "What are
you doing with my toothbrush?"
The daughter replies, "I'm brushing his teeth. But don't worry
dad, I'll rinse it out when I'm done -- just like I always do."
Please forgive our lack of a fancy template at the moment and
enjoy these pages from our friends.
Poems Of The Week
Soaring With Eagles Via Robert
Your Home Appliances May be Spying on You | Fox Business
ARMSLIST - Gun Classifieds Via Dianne
Scott Weaver Toothpick Art!
Scientists Unveil New Species!
Top 19 Rejected International Sports Team Names:
19. Brussels Sprouts
18. Cannes Openers
17. Amsterdam Yankees
16. Vienna Sausages
15. Belgium Waffles
14. Manila Folders
13. Czech Bouncers
12. New Delhi Catessans
11. Buenos Airheads
10. Guadalajara Krishnas
9. Iraqi Raccoons
8. Bolivia DeHavillands
7. Seoul Brothers
6. Taipei Personalities
5. Syria Killers
4. Hungary Jacks
3. Dublin Mint Twins
2. Prague Tologists
1. Peking Toms
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his
tail instead of his tongue. -Anonymous
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence
that you are wonderful. -Ann Landers
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to
go where they went. -Will Rogers
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking
your face. -Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than
he loves himself. -Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and
love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all.
It's the best deal man has ever made. -M. Acklam
Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who
are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
cult. -Rita Rudner
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn
around three times before lying down. -Robert Benchley
Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current
events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of
late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are
often continued in the next yard. -Dave Barry
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed
a dog. -Franklin P. Jones
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. -James Thurber
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. -Unknown
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to
$3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. -Joe
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here
we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing
haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're
the greatest hunters on earth! -Anne Tyler
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs
should relax and get used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein
Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. -Dave Miliman
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he
will not bite you; that is the principal difference between
a dog and a man. -Mark Twain
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will
give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never
would've thought of that!' -Dave Barry
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. -Roger Caras
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog
biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of
them. -Phil Pastoret
My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog already thinks I am.
At my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking
through a photo album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma, so many of
these styles have come back over the years," I commented.
Grandma never hesitated. "That's why I've kept Grandpa all this
time," she said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these
No one is more cautious than a first-time parent.
After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I
bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet.
The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-checked
all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway,
carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar,
accidentally kicked her right in the chin.
SEATTLE, Washington (Reuters) -- A black bear was found passed out at a
campground in Washington state recently after guzzling down three dozen
cans of a local beer, a campground worker said on Wednesday.
"We noticed a bear sleeping on the common lawn and wondered what was
going on until we discovered that there were a lot of beer cans lying
around," said Lisa Broxson, a worker at the Baker Lake Resort, 80 miles
(129 km) northeast of Seattle.
The hard-drinking bear, estimated to be about two years old, broke into
campers' coolers and, using his claws and teeth to open the cans,
swilled down the suds.
It turns out the bear was a bit of a beer sophisticate. He tried a
mass-market Busch beer, but switched to Rainier Beer, a local ale, and
stuck with it for his drinking binge.
Wildlife agents chased the bear away, but it returned the next day, said
They set a trap using as bait some doughnuts, honey and two cans of
Rainier Beer. It worked, and the bear was captured for relocation.
Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean
Regarding any problems unsubscribing from this opt-in mailing list
In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
711 Pine Street Apt.1
Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783