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Clean Chips For sat

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  • b brabant
    Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Happy New Year Everyone I am into the second day of
    Message 1 of 36 , Jan 1, 2005
      Clean Clean

      Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
      name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

      Happy New Year Everyone I am into the second day of the Twilight Zone
      marathon, watching all the old stars and seeing some of the plot lines
      of newer movies being born. It has been a rough year for many of the
      herd. Good friends and family have passed on, the world has had more
      than its fair share of natural disasters, and we have had our lives
      upset by politics and war. For myself I wish a life only as good as last
      year for I am still alive, there is a roof over my head and food on my
      table. Unlike some who are richer and stronger I have a wealth of
      friends and hardly a day goes buy that someone doesn't comment on my
      work . I really hope that all of you will be with me for the next year
      and I want to thank all those who were with me last year for your
      contributions to the list.



      "New Year Prayer"


      God grant us this year a wider view,
      so we see others' faults through the eyes of You.
      Teach us to judge not with hasty tongue,
      neither the adult nor the young.
      Give us patience and grace to endure
      and a stronger faith so we feel secure.
      Instead of remembering, help us forget
      the irritations that caused us to fret.

      Freely forgiving for some offense
      and finding each day a rich recompense.
      In offering a friendly, helping hand
      and trying in all ways to understand;

      That all of us whoever we are,
      are trying to reach an unreachable star.
      For the great and small; the good and bad,
      the young and old; the sad and glad;
      are asking today; "Is life worth living?"
      The answer is only in loving and giving.
      For only love can make mankind
      and kindness of heart brings peace of mind.
      By giving love, we can start this year
      to lift the clouds of hate and fear.

      ~Helen Steiner Rice~


      Rita

      Enjoy the chips and good luck to the Wolverines.... buffalo



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      Superstitous Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      New Year's Superstitions

      Besides getting tipsy and kissing everybody in the room at the stroke of
      midnight, celebrants throughout the ages have observed numerous
      lesser-known New Year's customs and superstitions. Many of the
      superstitions associated with the event bear the common theme that
      activities engaged in on that day set the pattern for the year to come.
      Others have to do with warding off evil spirits or attracting luck.

      Because January 1 is the first day of the new year, we have drawn a
      connection between what we do on that day and our fate throughout the
      rest of the year. Here are some of the ways we attempt to guarantee a
      good outcome through our acts on that portentous first
      day:

      Kissing at midnight: We kiss those dearest to us at midnight not
      only to share a moment of celebration with our favorite people, but also
      to ensure those affections and ties will continue throughout the next
      twelve months. To fail to smooch our significant others at the stroke of
      twelve would be to set the stage for a year of coldness.
      Stocking Up: The new year must not be seen in with bare cupboards,
      lest that be the way of things for the year. Larders must be topped up
      and plenty of money must be placed in every wallet in the home to
      guarantee prosperity.

      Paying Off Bills: The new year should not be begun with the
      household in debt, so checks should be written and mailed off prior to
      January 1st. Likewise, personal debts should be settled before the New
      Year arrives.

      First Footing: The first person to enter your home after the
      stroke of midnight will influence the year you're about to have.
      Ideally, he should be dark-haired, tall, and good-looking, and it would
      be even better if he came bearing certain small gifts such as a lump of
      coal, a silver coin, a bit of bread, a sprig of evergreen, and some
      salt. Blonde and redhead first footers bring bad luck, and female first
      footers should be shooed away before they bring disaster down on the
      household. Aim a gun at them if you have to, but don't let them near
      your door before a man crosses the threshold. The first footer
      (sometimes called the "Lucky Bird") should knock and be let in rather
      than unceremoniously use a key, even if he is one of the householders.
      After greeting those in the house and dropping off whatever small tokens
      of luck he has brought with him, he should make his way through the
      house and leave by a different door than the one through which he
      entered. No one should leave the premises before the first footer
      arrives - the first traffic across the threshold must be headed in
      rather than striking out.

      First footers must not be cross-eyed or have flat feet or eyebrows that
      meet in the middle.

      Nothing prevents the cagey householder from stationing a dark-haired man
      outside the home just before midnight to ensure the speedy arrival of a
      suitable first footer as soon as the chimes sound. If one of the
      partygoers is recruited for this purpose, impress upon him the need to
      slip out quietly just prior to the witching hour.

      Nothing Goes Out: Nothing - absolutely nothing, not even garbage -
      is to leave the house on the first day of the year. If you've presents
      to deliver on New Year's Day, leave them in the car overnight. Don't so
      much as shake out a rug or take the empties to the recycle bin. Some
      people soften this rule by saying it's okay to remove things from the
      home on New Year's Day provided something else has been brought in
      first. This is similar to the caution regarding first footers; the year
      must begin with something's being added to the home before anything
      subtracts from it.

      One who lives alone might place a lucky item or two in a basket that has
      a string tied to it, then place the basket just outside the front door
      before midnight. After midnight, the lone celebrant hauls in his catch,
      being careful to bring the item across the door jamb by pulling the
      string rather than by reaching out to retrieve it and thus breaking the
      plane of the threshold.

      Black-Eyed Peas: A tradition common to the southern states of the
      USA dictates that the eating of black-eyed peas on New Year's Day will
      attract both general good luck and money in particular to the one doing
      the dining. Some choose to add other Southern fare to this tradition,
      but the black-eyed peas are key.

      Work: Make sure to do - and be successful at - something related
      to your work on the first day of the year, even if you don't go near
      your place of employment that day. Limit your activity to a token
      amount, though, because to engage in a serious work project on that day
      is very unlucky. Also, do not do the laundry on New Year's Day, lest a
      member of the family be 'washed away' (die) in the upcoming months. The
      more cautious eschew even washing dishes.

      New Clothes: Wear something new on January 1 to increase
      the likelihood of your receiving more new garments during
      the year to follow.

      Money: Do not pay back loans or lend money or other precious items
      on New Year's Day. To do so is to guarantee you'll be paying out all
      year.

      Breakage: Avoid breaking things on that first day lest wreckage be
      part of your year. Also, avoid crying on the first day of the year lest
      that activity set the tone for the next twelve months. Other
      superstitions attaching to the beginning of the new year are:

      Letting the Old Year Out: At midnight, all the doors of a house
      must be opened to let the old year escape unimpeded. He must leave
      before the New Year can come in, says popular wisdom, so doors are flung
      open to assist him in finding his way out.

      Loud Noise: Make as much noise as possible at midnight. You're not
      just celebrating; you're scaring away evil spirits, so do a darned good
      job of it!

      According to widespread superstition,the Devil himself and other evil
      spirits hate loud noise. We celebrate by making as much of a din as
      possible not just as an expression of joy at having a new year at our
      disposal, but also to make sure Old Scratch and his minions don't stick
      around. (Church bells are rung on a couple's wedding day for the same
      reason.)

      The Weather: Examine the weather in the early hours of New Year's
      Day. If the wind blows from the south, there will be fine weather and
      prosperous times in the year ahead. If it comes from the north, it will
      be a year of bad weather. The wind blowing from the east brings famine
      and calamities. Strangest of all, if the wind blows from the west, the
      year will witness plentiful supplies of milk and fish but will also see
      the death of a very important person. If there is no wind at all, a
      joyful and prosperous year may be expected by all.

      Born on January 1: Babies born on this day will always have
      good luck on their side.

      Dianne



      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait

      Horror Of Mistletoe
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      EZ 2 DO
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      Water My Plants
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      The Grinch
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      Partying Too Much
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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Burger Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      I don't get alot of time for my lunch hour, so I stopped by a burger
      drive-through for a quick lunch to eat on the way back to the office. I
      ordered the #1 combo (burger, fry, coke) for $4.29. The cashier's
      voice came over the drive-through intercom box. . . .

      "that'll be $4.83, please drive forward."

      "Wait a minute. What? $4.83? For a $4.29 meal? That's 54 cents tax!
      That can't be right," my mind raced. Tax is 8 cents on the dollar here
      in Huntsville and for 4 dollars that would be 32 cents plus 1/3 (29) of
      8 cents would be about 35 cents for my tax.

      I'd heard of window workers overcharging drive-through customers and
      skimming the money for themselves. Someone did just that to me at a
      Hardees couple of years ago. So since then, I've always paid attention
      when I order food at drive-through places.

      I didn't have my calculator with me, so I got out a pen and paper and
      did the long division since there were 2 cars ahead of me yet. Plenty of
      time to figure this out before they would ask me to pay at the window.

      Let's see ... 483/429 ... over 12 percent tax! When I got to the
      window I handed her a 5 dollar bill and asked,

      "What's the sales tax here in Huntsville?"

      That threw her off. She didn't know.

      I said "$4.83 for a $4.29 meal is 12 percent tax. That can't be right.
      Too high. Can I talk to the manager?"

      She gave me my change and called the manager.

      So the manager comes over. I ask what the sales tax is in Huntsville,
      and she says 8 percent. I say that I just paid $4.83 for a $4.29 meal
      and that's over 12 percent sales tax!

      She got a funny look on her face and said that maybe the computer had
      rung it up wrong or had charged me for the biggie size. (biggie upgrade
      was 35 cents - which would be 4.64 plus tax which would put the total I
      owed over $5, so that can't be right either.)

      After a quick check, she admitted it was supposed to be 4.63, and opened
      the drawer to give me my extra change.

      "A-HA!" I thought to myself. "Six years of Engineering school has sooo
      heightened my mental mathematical adeptness that I can do percentages in
      my head, and thus my superior intellect has foiled a feeble attempt by a
      drive-through worker to overcharge me."

      With a very smug look across my face, I took the twenty cents she handed
      me, proud of my staggering victory, and promptly drove off. . . .


      without my food.


      Rita


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      Auld Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Tradionally, at midnight, on New Years Eve, Auld Lang Syne is sung. But
      how many of us actually know all the words & just lip sync our way
      through it? Here are all the verses--learn & sing away! And by the way,
      I have *no* idea what this guy is talking about in the last 4 verses
      (does anyone in the herd?) but be assured, the spelling of ALL the words
      IS correct, as is. (I checked, double checked, & triple checked) Kind of
      makes you wonder if he had 'something more' then 'kindness' in his cup
      when he wrote this. heh heh)

      AULD LANG SYNE

      Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
      And never brought to mind?
      Should auld acquaintance be forgot
      And auld lang syne?

      CHORUS:

      For auld lang syne, my dear,
      For auld lang syne,
      We'll take a cup of kindness yet,
      For auld lang syne!

      And surely ye'll be your pint-stowp,
      And surely I'll be mine,
      And we'll take a cup 'o kindness yet,
      For auld lang syne!

      We twa hae run about the braes,
      And pou'd the gowans fine,
      But we've wander'd monie a weary fit,
      Sin auld lang syne.

      We twa hae paidl'd in the burn
      Frae morning sun till dine,
      But seas between us braid hae roar'd
      Sin auld lang syne.

      And there's a hand, my trusty fiere,
      And gie's a hand 'o thine.
      And we'll tak a right guild-willie waught,
      For auld lang syne!

      Rabbie Burns (1759-1796)


      Happy New Year! Rita


      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      Car Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Norman and his blonde wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while
      listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to
      have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the
      even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

      Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

      A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says,
      "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your
      car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get
      through."

      Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.


      The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer
      says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must
      park........... "then the electric goes out.

      Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she
      says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I
      need to park on so the snowplow can get through?"


      With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are
      married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it
      in the garage this time?"


      Roger

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      Married Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a
      magazine.

      Suddenly, she burst out laughing.

      "Listen to this," she said.

      "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife
      for a season ticket to the stadium."

      "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

      Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

      "Absolutely not," he said.

      "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."

      "Season's more than half over," he said.



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      Random Chips
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      Driving my car one afternoon, I rolled through a stop sign. I was pulled
      over by a police officer that recognized me as his former English
      teacher. "Mrs. Brown," he said, "those stop signs are periods, not
      commas."
      -----------------------------------------------
      After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to
      Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The
      representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an
      attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to
      the point of near blindness My apprehension lightened a bit when the
      woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her
      profusely. "Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up
      when she cheerfully asked, ... "And will your grandmother need a rental
      car?
      --------------------------------------------
      A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department
      claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to
      interview him. "You just give me a list of your employees and tell me
      how much you pay them." "All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired
      man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus room and
      board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $500 a week
      plus room and board." "Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on
      a note pad. "Yeah," the farmer said. "There's a half-wit here. Works
      about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him
      chewing tobacco." "Aha!" the agent roared. "I want to talk to that
      half-wit!" "You're talkin' to him now," said the farmer.
      ---------------------------------------




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      Oprah did it again!

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      LynnLynn's Links
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      At the start of a New Year we would like to take a second to thank all
      that have contributed to this newsletter over the past year and helped
      to improve our 60,000 reader's surfing experience. A special thanks to
      Dianne and Sally who have contributed numerous links from their surfing.
      Buffalo and Lynn


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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Man Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A store that sells wives has just opened in Dallas, TX
      where a man may go to choose a wife from among
      many women.

      The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the women
      increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends
      the flights.

      There is however, a catch. As you open the door to
      any floor you may choose a woman from that floor,
      but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down
      except to exit the building.

      So a man goes to the shopping center to find a wife.

      On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
      Floor 1 - These women have jobs. The man reads
      the sign and says to himself, "Well, that's better than
      my last girlfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"
      So up he goes.

      The second floor sign reads:
      Floor 2 - These women have jobs and love sports.
      The man remarks to himself, "That's great, but I
      wonder what's further up?" And up he goes again.

      The third floor sign reads:
      Floor 3 - These women have jobs, love sports and
      are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" he says.
      "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

      The fourth floor sign reads:
      Floor 4 - These women have jobs, love sports, are
      extremely good looking and do all the housework.
      "Wow!" exclaims the man, "very tempting. BUT,
      there must be more further up!"

      And again he heads up another flight.

      The fifth floor sign reads:
      Floor 5 - These women have jobs, love sports,
      are extremely good looking, do all the housework
      and don't complain about anything. "Hot Dang!
      But just think...what must be awaiting me further on?"

      So up to the sixth floor he goes.

      The sixth floor sign reads:
      Floor 6 - You are visitor 133,956,779,012 to this floor.
      There are no women on this floor. This floor exists
      solely as proof that men are impossible to please.

      Thank you for shopping Wife Mart and have a nice day.

      Dianne

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      A good oldie.....


      Three lawyers and three engineers are travelling by train to a
      conference.

      At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the
      three engineers buy only a single ticket.

      "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of
      the three lawyers.

      "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.

      They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but
      all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

      Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
      collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says,

      "Ticket, please!"

      The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in
      hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and
      agreed it was quite a clever idea!

      So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on
      the return trip and save themselves some money. When they get to the
      station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their
      astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

      "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed
      lawyer.

      "Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.

      When they board the train, the three lawyers cram into the restroom and
      the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
      Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks
      over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door
      and says.....

      "Ticket, please!"


      Rita


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      Parting Chips
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      The tiresome jury selection process continued, each side hotly
      contesting and dismissing potential jurors. Next up for questioning to
      determine his elgibility to sit on the jury, was a nicely dressed man of
      about 40.

      The questionsing went like this:


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      "Yes, I am, Your Honor."

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      Bonus Chip
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      During a recent publicity outing, Hillary took off to visit a fortune
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      crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

      "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare
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      Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      For 1-1-2005

      Katie's Komfort Kolumn

      New Years Day

      BJ: Rutherford I thought you had a home with the Collins?

      Rudy: I got my walking papers today. I got laid off. It seems they
      got a real professionally trained dog to help with the boy's problems.
      The boy and I are still friends and they want me as a pet, but gosh I
      like you guys.

      BJ: I was wondering why you were carrying a stick with your belongings
      tied to the end of it.

      Rudy: Thought I would head for the train tracks and catch a ride with
      some hobos. I might head west. I don't know.

      Katie: Father!

      Sandi: Pops!

      Diana: BJ, speak now.

      BJ: Rudy, how would you like a job here?

      Rudy: I don't want to be a bother. You know I slept outside at the
      Collins. I never have been in a house other than this one.

      Diana: You could guard our grounds and keep it safe for us.

      Rudy's ears perk up, a slanted smile on his face: Really?

      BJ: Sure. I have something I bought for you two days ago, come here.

      Rudy: My my own collar..... I don't know what to say.

      Sandi: There there ole boy, it is okay to shed a tear.

      Rudy: Sniff, sniff, what would you call me, Spot?

      BJ: Rutherford (Rudy) Randolf-Cassady. We would be your foster parents
      until you find a real home.

      Rudy: If I don't find a home?

      Diana: Then I guess you will be stuck with us.

      Rudy head down and pawing at the floor: Gosh, nobody has every really
      cared about me before. Yeah the Collins would have me, but they have
      the service dog now. How much does the job pay?

      BJ: How about all the dog food you can eat, a warm bed, and the best
      family you could imagine?

      Rudy: Deal! Just stamp my union card and I will get to work.

      The herd in Guthrie

      (Rudy has been a stray since last July and Katie, Sandi and he play so
      well together. His personality is a lot like Sandi, mellow. He was shy
      but finally let me feed him, then pet him and as of last night play with
      him. His lower jaw looks like it has been broken, he has a crooked
      smile, but smile he does. I think he was either dumped or abused as a
      puppy. I would guess him to be about 6 months old. He is larger than
      Sandi (45lbs) and Katie (33lbs). I would guess him to be about 50-60lbs
      and growing. He has a collar, next week I will get him his rabies shot.
      If anyone in the area would like him, they can have him, else he is a
      family member.)



      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

      *********************************************

      Remember 9/11/01



      Regarding any problems unsubscribing from this mailing list

      In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:

      William Brabant
      711 Pine Street Apt.1
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    • William Brabant
      Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Halloween Approaches. One thing that has
      Message 36 of 36 , Oct 17 9:45 PM
        Clean Clean


        Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
        name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

        Halloween Approaches.

        One thing that has drastically changed over the years
        is decorations. Back when I was a child the paid for
        decorations consisted of a skeleton with joints. You
        decorated windows with construction paper in orange
        and black. The great things about doing leaves and
        pumpkins was they could stay there till Thanksgiving
        just pull the ghosts and add a cornucopia and you were
        all set. Hang a sheet with some wire in it to keep it
        filled out and you had a ghost. Later we always held
        out on carving the pumpkin till last so that it could be
        cooked and used for Thanksgiving pies.

        About ten years ago every decoration went high-tech. If it
        didn't use 6 AA cells you couldn't find it in the stores. The
        batteries powered voices, screams , lights, and ghostly
        movements. Sensors in the figures that started animation
        when people approached or knocked rivaled the security
        of most banks into the 70's. Construction paper is never
        used much anymore as it easier to buy the cling decorations
        that require no tape or scraping of the windows after
        Halloween although I have seen them stick pretty good if
        you leave them there for a few months.

        I haven't been in the stores to look at decorations this
        year but driving around town I have seen so many of the
        variations of plastic figures and leaf blowers I guess hat is
        what is popular. With each year there has been more cases
        of vandalism and a decrease in respect for your neighbor's
        possessions. Many children think it is cool
        to steal or destroy decorations but with prices that
        people pay for them they are looking at serious trouble
        if caught.

        This year one of the best decorations I have ever seen consists
        of a 4 ft. clear pumpkin with a Halloween scene in it filled with
        water and air being bubbled through it like a big snow globe
        or aquarium.

        Enjoy the chips... buffalo

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        Random Chips
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        (#18, my fav)

        Random Thoughts for the Day:

        1. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

        2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can
        think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can
        tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly
        involves me.

        3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
        realize you're wrong.

        4. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I
        was younger.

        5. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it
        wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would
        magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how
        did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or
        message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are
        soft.

        6. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

        7. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger
        and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when
        I first saw it.

        8. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

        9. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand
        than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

        10. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately
        clear your computer history if you die.

        11. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying
        to finish a text.

        12. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to
        the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

        13. Was learning cursive really necessary?

        14. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing
        else to say".

        15. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and
        hunger.

        16. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street
        smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

        17. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just
        nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

        18. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars
        teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay
        strong, brothers!

        19. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
        instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

        20. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty
        sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

        21. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how
        the person died.

        22. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in
        the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

        23. Bad decisions make good stories

        24. Is it just me or do high school girls get trampier every year?

        25. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring
        would probably just be completely invisible.

        26. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at
        work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing
        anything productive for the rest of the day.

        27. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I
        don't want to have to restart my collection.

        28. While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for
        China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly
        certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

        29. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not
        seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

        30. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal
        cruising speed for pedophiles...

        31. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate
        drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always
        hate cyclists. (That's okay. They hate you too.)

        32. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

        33. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know
        not to answer when they call.

        34. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their
        car keys in a pocket, finding their cellphone, and Pinning the Tail
        on the Donkey - but I bet anyone can find and push the Snooze button
        from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time
        every time...

        35. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day - "Dad what
        would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the heck do I respond to
        that?

        36. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Russian Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        A Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car.
        After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least
        bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two
        years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and
        starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns
        back to the salesman,

        "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will
        arrive?" he asks.

        The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be
        two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and
        starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back
        again.

        "Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from
        now the car will arrive?"

        The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says
        that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday.

        The man thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave.

        Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up
        to the salesman,

        "I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be
        two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the
        afternoon?"

        Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet
        another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon,
        two years from now on Thursday.

        "That's a relief!" says the man. "The plumber is coming in the
        morning."

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        Two guys are bungee-jumping one day.
        The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot
        of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
        The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their
        money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord,
        insurance, etc.
        They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they
        are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly,
        more and more people gather to watch them at work.
        The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when
        he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts
        and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him,
        he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is
        bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him.
        The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes
        back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is
        almost unconscious.
        Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says,
        "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
        The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is
        a pinata?

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        The Ghost of Able Fable and the Money on the Table.....
        Author Unknown Able Fable was a miserable old man, who was always
        worried that someone would break into his house and steal all of his
        money. Each night before he would go to sleep, he would lock his
        wallet up in a safe located near his bed so that if anyone were to
        try to rob him they would have to wake him up to do it.
        Unfortunately, on the night that Able died he had only placed the
        wallet on the table near the safe without locking it up. Before his
        death, Able said to his family and friends that none of them were to
        touch his home or his money and he said that anyone who came near
        his
        safe and wallet would be greeted by his ghost and be scared away.
        Following Abel's death the family decided that the money in the
        Fable
        house was not doing any good if not used, so they went into the home
        to get it. Abel's oldest son decided to make the first attempt. He
        opened the door and went in, he saw Abel's wallet on the table and
        reached for it. Immediately he heard a voice say: "I am the ghost of
        Able Fable, put the money back on the table!" The voice scared the
        son so much that he ran from the room and out the door,
        screaming: "I heard the voice of a ghost!"
        The oldest daughter in disbelief decided she would make her way into
        Abel's room. She entered and reached for the wallet. She then heard
        the voice
        say: "I am the ghost of Able Fable, put the money back on the
        table!"
        The daughter was so scared that she dropped the wallet and ran from
        the room
        screaming: "I heard the voice of a ghost!"
        The youngest son, who was also a cheap man, decided to make his
        attempt at getting the money. When he entered the room and reached
        for the wallet he also heard the voice say: "I am the ghost of Able
        Fable, put the money back on the table!" The youngest son decided
        that he was not easily scared and said back: "Well, I am the ghost
        of
        Davey Crockett and the money is going to stay in my pocket!" The
        youngest son took all the money and the ghost of Able Fable was
        never
        heard from again!

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        Vet Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        10 Signs Your Vet Bill Is Going To Require Financing


        -- The doc's thermometer registers in Fahrenheit, Celsius and
        dollars.


        -- The bill came with payment coupons.

        -- Your Doberman just ate the receptionist.

        -- "He has a very rare blood type. It's called '$$ Positive.'"

        -- He starts talking about extended quality of life, miracles of
        modern veterinary medicine and joint replacement procedures. You own
        a goldfish.

        -- They take away the blood sample on a sterling silver serving
        tray.

        -- The sad, pathetic whining in the exam room is coming from the
        owners.

        -- You suddenly realize where you've heard that low whistle before:
        from the plumber and the auto mechanic.

        -- "Do you have any idea how expensive hamster defibrillators are?"

        -- and the #1 Sign Your Veterinary Bill is Going to Require
        Financing:

        "We can rebuild him. Make him stronger, faster...."



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        Riddle Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Where does the Wolfman live?
        In a werehouse!

        How can you tell that Doctor Victor Frankenstein had a good sense of

        humor?
        Because he kept his monster in stitches

        Where does Dracula water ski?
        In Lake Eerie, off course.

        Why was there an electric spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
        He couldn't resistor

        Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test?
        To see if she was his type.

        Why didn't the invisible teen-ager hang out with his friends?
        Too much disappear pressure

        In the early days of New England, everybody went around wondering
        which witch was which.

        RIDDLES

        Why did the little kid dance on the jar of jam?
        Because the top said, "Twist to open."

        Why are movie stars cool?
        Because they, have so many fans.

        Why doesn't the piano work?
        Because it only knows how to play.

        Why were there screams coming from the kitchen?
        The cook was beating the eggs.

        What do you get if you cross a parakeet with a cat?
        A peeping Tom

        Stan Kegel

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        LynnLynn's Links
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        If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
        e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@...

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        *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

        Surfin Surfari

        Wellcome Image Awards 2009 - A story beyond every picture Via Wesley
        http://tinyurl.com/ygo35rs

        Are You On A Homeland Security Watch List
        http://www.tsa.dhs.gov/travelers/customer/redress/index.shtm

        Strange Tombstones!
        http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/tombstones.html

        Human Chameleon
        http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/chameleon.html

        Weird Rainy Days
        http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/rainyday.html


        *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

        Okay, I wanted to let you know that I'm giving the whole damn thing
        away today, and this is REALLY the LAST day that I'll be doing this!


        As part of an insane marketing test, I'm giving away my Online
        Business Kit, but I'm only giving it away today for the last
        time....so you need to get your copy today if you want one.


        Press here to get your copy:

        http://buffaloschips.com/onbus

        *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

        Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv) Via Lisa

        Total Commander
        http://www.ghisler.com/

        Spybot
        http://www.safer-networking.org/index2.html

        Webshots
        http://www.webshots.com/


        *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+


        If anyone is interested in GETTING A HALLOWEEN COSTUME online I sell
        for every ad on my site there's a bunch of costume stores I sell for
        ( I GET A LITTLE KICK BACK FROM THE SALES IT HELPS )we just put up a
        whole bunch of links thanks from the help of my daughter for doing
        the typing and work to get my site back up I couldn't use my right
        hand now for a couple of months already .I just got a cast on my arm
        yesterday so I'm typing with my left finger (SLOWLY) and that's
        taking forever lol but I'm on here .Thankfully I have her to do the
        fast stuff for me . Also there's a party in Tinley that Rosina is
        having on Halloween email me and let me know if you would like to go
        with us it's on Halloween at 8 pm.INFO BELOW
        http://www.ghostsandghouls.org
        http://www.ghostsandghouls.net

        MELISSA


        *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

        Animal World

        Doggie Zone
        http://www.flixxy.com/dog-plays-basketball.htm

        Kitty Korner
        http://www.petsinclothes.com/

        *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+


        Does your computer seem to be running slower than usual?

        Did you know that many people who are married or in a serious
        relationship secretly download software applications that allow them
        to monitor and see everything that their spouse or lover does on the
        Internet.

        Do you think that someone has done this to you? You can remove these
        programs from your PC or laptop with a program called Spyware Nuker.
        This program also removes any spyware or adware located on your PC
        or laptop.

        Right now you can scan your PC or laptop for no cost to see if there
        are any "spying" programs on them.

        Press Here to Begin Scan (YOU WILL NOT BE CHARGED FOR THIS):

        http://buffalosjokes.com/spyware


        *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

        Here is some more information about this new way to watch
        television:

        1) All of the programming is uncensored!

        2) There are hundreds of channels from around the world to watch!
        And new channels are added every day!

        3) Hundreds of Radio stations to listen to anytime, all of the time!
        And new stations are added daily!

        4) All of these channels are available 24 hours per day right from
        your PC and laptop!

        5) No additional hardware is needed!

        6) You won't have to pay a cable or satellite bill any longer!

        Press Here For More Information and To Download Now:

        http://buffalosjokes.com/pctv


        *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

        Movie Links

        High Power Worker
        http://www.buffaloschips.com/gdfrde.htm

        High Speed Web Cam
        http://www.buffaloschips.com/ghjuyuh.htm

        Hillary Wasn't Lying Bosnia Gunfire Footage
        http://www.buffaloschips.com/gnbhghg.htm

        Home Alone
        http://www.buffaloschips.com/gkjjkk.htm

        Home Security
        http://www.buffaloschips.com/gfdrdft.htm


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Short Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        The HMO account manager noticed that nearly every bill from one
        pediatrician's office included the line item "behavior modification
        reinforcers."

        Fearing that the pediatrician was engaging in some unapproved,
        experimental psychological treatment, she called the pediatrician's
        office to inquire, "What on earth are behavior modification
        reinforcers?"

        "Lollipops," was the reply.



        Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast at the retirement home
        and
        were relaxing in the library. "You know," said Melba, "today, in
        most
        marriage ceremonies, they don't use the word 'obey' anymore."

        "Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little humor
        to
        the occasion."




        The Six Phases of a Project.....

        Enthusiasm,

        Disillusionment,

        Panic,

        Search for the Guilty,

        Punishment of the Innocent,

        Praise and Honors for the Non-Participants.

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        The Turbo Snake

        Simply glide Turbo Snake down the drain, twirl, then pull out Turbo
        SnakeT specially designed head grabs & locks onto hair clogs to
        remove and free the drain instantly! What's best, its flexible
        design easily maneuvers down the drain to seek out clogs without
        having to remove the drain stopper. For bathroom sinks, showers &
        tubs. Each set includes the Large Turbo Snake for Showers and Tubs,
        Small Turbo Snake for Sinks, and Peel and Stick Storage Hook. Now
        only $10.00 plus S&H or double the offer for an extra P&H.


        View Website

        http://buffaloschips.com/snake


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Toon Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Bomb squad
        http://www.buffaloschips.com/2i9u3h.htm

        Boss on Line
        http://www.buffaloschips.com/g34rq.htm

        Botox Dog
        http://www.buffaloschips.com/i3hr81.htm

        Bottomless
        http://www.buffaloschips.com/i23uhr.htm

        Bounced Mail
        http://www.buffaloschips.com/23iuhrq.htm

        Boy
        http://www.buffaloschips.com/iweuqhd.htm

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        The Air Cutter

        Use the home styling system that pays for itself. The Air Cutter
        gives you a professional hair cut with no hassle or mess. The
        fool-proof system allows you to cut any type of hair without
        embarrassing mistakes. Just select different attachments and use the
        style guide to create any type of look.
        Use the Air Cutter at no charge for 30 days, just pay shipping and
        handling


        View Website

        http://buffaloschips.com/air

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Random Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        When their mine became defunct, Jake and Abe decided to grow
        mushrooms
        in its cool, dark tunnels. Business prospered but Jake wanted all
        the
        profits, so he decided to kill Abe by planting some poisonous
        varieties in his partner's section. When. Abe found out, he had Jake

        arrested. Although the charge of attempted murder was dismissed for

        lack of evidence, the court did find Jake guilty of corrupting the
        morels of a miner.

        When the analyst's forecast fell short the investor realized it was
        a
        "bull" market.

        When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup

        du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said,

        "what is this?" Why, it's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care
        what
        it has been," he sputtered, "What is it now?"

        An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he
        hates
        Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any

        place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him

        he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they
        deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and
        he
        goes back to his room and orders a pizza. Thirty minutes later, the

        delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman
        takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the
        delivery man, "What the Heck did you put on this pizza?" The
        delivery
        man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered,
        pepper only."


        Stan Kegel

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Safely Talk and Drive at the Same Time


        Jupiter Jack let's you talk without using your hands. It transmits
        quality sound through the speakers in your car. Just plug Jupiter
        Jack in your phone, preset your radio to 99.3 FM and you're ready to
        start talking.

        Order now and you'll get two Jupiter Jacks for the price of one.

        View Website

        http://buffaloschips.com/jupiter


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Parting Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



        The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was inter-viewing a
        prospective student, "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.

        "I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father,"
        the
        student replied.

        "Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean
        much
        impressed.

        "No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."



        Her teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of
        balancing his new back account. "The bank returned the check you
        wrote to the sporting goods store," she said.

        "Oh good," he said, "Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!"


        I harried driving instructor came home from work, kicked off his
        shoes, and fell into a chair. "I'm thinking of taking six or seven
        of
        my students to England," he said.

        "What on earth for?" his wife asked.

        "It might make them feel good to see what it's like to drive on the
        left side of the road-legally."

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





        TAME YOUR MANE - GET PERFECT HAIR EVERY DAY!


        No more bad hair days, ever! Get amazingly gorgeous, flawless hair
        every day with the InStyler. No more teasing or burning with hot
        irons, the InStyler polishes your hair to any style you want. It's
        quick, easy, and the results are astonishing.

        Limited time offer - Try the InStyler for 30 days for just $14.99!


        http://buffaloschips.com/tame



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Bonus Chip
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        A sailor boasted to be able to read any flag signal. He was asked
        about a beflagged ship near at anchor. "Strange, they say they are
        on
        the rocks. It's quarantine. We're surrendering."

        Then a boat from the ship in distress was lowered and brought some
        sailors to the pier. They were asked by frightened spectators who
        had
        heard the ominous interpretation of the signals by the great expert
        of flag communication.


        "What do you mean by your terrible signals?"

        "Those aren't signals. The crew had a wash day and now they are
        drying up their underwear."


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Keep Warm Air In & Winter Air Out

        Twin Draft Guards? minimizes energy loss from doors and
        windows saving you money on your energy bills.

        Twin Draft Guards? work just as well on the interior doors of your
        home
        as they do outdoors, blocking drafts and keeping allergens, such as
        dust,
        pollen and even insects from traveling freely around your home. Twin
        Draft
        Guards are also helpful in blocking harmful fumes from the garage
        and the
        damp chill from the basement.

        Additional Ordering Details:

        http://buffaloschips.com/draft


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Katie's Komfort Kolumn
        Vol 1702

        Passing the Torch

        BJ: Gather around guys.

        The dogs gather at his feet.

        BJ: My last name is Cassady. My mother's maiden name was Parmer.
        Her mother's maiden name was Dockendorff. I have to go to a funeral
        this Saturday for Leo Dockendorff and cousin of mine who was 85
        years old. He was a good man. I just wanted you to know the link
        he had to me.

        Sandi: We kind of understand names. They are like Collies, and
        Irish Setters and such, right?

        BJ: Right, like tribes.

        Rudy: Did you know him well?

        BJ: I knew him well enough, but not as well as I would like to
        have.
        He lived a long was away. He had a great sense of humor, loved me
        and loved my mother.

        Katie: Sounds like a decent person.

        BJ: Yeah, that is why I am going. Also, to see his sister, Mary
        Ann
        Weigel.

        Rudy: You folks have some crazy names.

        BJ: Did I ever tell you my father's real name?

        Sandi: It was Bob right?

        BJ: He changed it. His birth name was Favrid Arvid.

        Thud!

        Rudy: No wonder he changed it.

        The herd in Guthrie

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

        *********************************************

        Remember 9/11/01



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        711 Pine Street Apt.1
        Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783







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