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Clean Chips For Wed

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  • b brabant
    Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Hello Buffalo, here is another tale from the
    Message 1 of 348 , Dec 1, 2004
      Clean Clean

      Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
      name is Buffalo and I have the watch.


      Hello Buffalo, here is another tale from the homestead you might like!!

      Many years ago my brother and I had Greek land turtles for pets and they
      lived on our balcony, had a huge house shaped resting and nesting area
      on one end and a fairly good sized 'runway, stretching the length of the
      den and the living room, about 80 feet long and 8 feet wide. My brother
      and I hated tomatoes, but my turtle, Susie, loved them dearly. So,
      whenever we saw tomatoes being sliced for a salad we found a way to
      smuggle Susie under the corner bench at the kitchen table and
      surreptitiously fed her the offending slices of tomatoes and not a soul
      among the adults caught on.

      One hot summer day, turtle ensconced under the bench, Mom served the
      salad. She wore sandals that day, and she had painted her toe nails
      bright red..... Susie saw the 'tomato' at the end of the table, took one
      chomp, and ouch! There was Mom, shooting into the air like a rocket and
      proceeding with a one footed war dance, as poor Susie swung around on
      the end of Mom's big toe.... Dad laughed so hard, he fell off the chair
      and Mom screamed holy murder, salad and silverware flying every which
      way, my brother and I managed to rescue the turtle and put the poor
      thing back outside. Dad looked at Mom's toe, which was not really
      looking too bad for the wear, but Gert And I were grounded for a week.
      And it ended the area of the turtle in the kitchen..

      I now live in Alaska with my husband and fellow photographer, Phil, two
      sled dogs and no turtles. Mom and Dad are both gone. My brother and his
      family make their home in Munich, Germany, but it is memories like
      these, which keeps the family together....! Happy holidays and hang on
      to your Moms and Dads, they cannot be replaced.

      Jlona
      www.tracksofalaska.com
      Any of our images are available as a holiday greeting card! Check it
      out!

      buffalo says Thanks to Jlona for the story today and she has some of the
      best photo cards on her site that I have ever seen. The past few days we
      have been conducting a test of your short term memory by running
      duplicate jokes in the clean list. You all failed poorly so I may have
      to rerun th tests in the future. ( I think I pulled that one off heh heh
      , wanna buy a bridge? ) have a great day...buffalo

      Guns
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      Short Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
      "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I
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      ~~~~~~~~~

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      The hubby replied, "Yes, honey, that was the happiest
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      ~~~~~~

      "King David used to be a hero of mine, but not anymore," little Brodie
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      "Why not, son?"

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      ~~~

      Upon arriving home with their new purchase, the couple set up a clock
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      "It may be beautiful," she said, "but now I know why he was late."


      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Squirrel Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Church Squirrels


      There were three country churches in a small Texas town:
      the Presbyterian church, the Methodist church and
      the Catholic church.

      Each church was virtually overrun with pesky squirrels.
      One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do
      about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration
      they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be they there
      and shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.


      The Methodist group got together and decided that they were

      not in a position to harm any of God's creations, so they

      humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles

      outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

      It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with the best and
      most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered
      them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and
      Easter.



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      Bribery Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to
      his lawyer.

      "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

      "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

      "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

      "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like
      that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in
      contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

      Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the
      defendant.

      As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for
      the tip about the cigars. It worked!"

      "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

      "But I did send them."

      "What?? You did???"

      "Yes. That's how we won the case."

      "I don't understand," said the lawyer.

      "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the
      plaintiff's business card."

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      Children Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A Rabbi was walking home from the Temple and saw one
      of his good friends, a
      pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi
      in religious arguments.

      The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his
      friend, when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese
      restaurant (not a kosher one). Standing at the door, he observed his
      friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later,
      the waiter reappeared carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in
      lobster sauce, crab rangoon and other treif that the Rabbi could not
      bear to think about.

      As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the
      Rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could
      take it no longer. "Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come
      into this restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in
      violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an
      apparent enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation!"

      Morris replied, "Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?" (Rabbi
      nods
      yes) "Did you see me order this meal?" (again he nods yes) "Did you see
      the waiter bring me this food?" (again he nods yes) "And did you see me
      eat it?" (nods yes)

      "Then, Rabbi, I don't see the problem here. The entire meal
      was done under Rabbinical supervision!"



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      Rabbi Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A Rabbi was walking home from the Temple and saw one
      of his good friends, a
      pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi
      in religious arguments.

      The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his
      friend, when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese
      restaurant (not a kosher one). Standing at the door, he observed his
      friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later,
      the waiter reappeared carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in
      lobster sauce, crab rangoon and other treif that the Rabbi could not
      bear to think about.

      As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the
      Rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could
      take it no longer. "Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come
      into this restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in
      violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an
      apparent enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation!"

      Morris replied, "Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?" (Rabbi
      nods
      yes) "Did you see me order this meal?" (again he nods yes) "Did you see
      the waiter bring me this food?" (again he nods yes) "And did you see me
      eat it?" (nods yes)

      "Then, Rabbi, I don't see the problem here. The entire meal
      was done under Rabbinical supervision!"




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      Lion Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A new miracle doctor had just arrived in town. He could cure anything
      and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except
      for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.

      Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove
      that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he
      told the doctor,

      "Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what
      are ya goin' to do?"

      The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told
      Mr. Thompson,

      "What you need is jar number 47."

      So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to
      taste it.

      He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled.

      "Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," said the
      doctor.

      So Mr. Thompson went home.... very mad.

      One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try
      once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem.

      "Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!"

      Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor
      scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson,

      "What you need is jar number 47, it's......"

      But before the doctor could finish his sentence, lo and beold!
      Immediately Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!


      Rita


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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Doctor Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A new miracle doctor had just arrived in town. He could cure anything
      and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except
      for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.

      Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove
      that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he
      told the doctor,

      "Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what
      are ya goin' to do?"

      The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told
      Mr. Thompson,

      "What you need is jar number 47."

      So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to
      taste it.

      He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled.

      "Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," said the
      doctor.

      So Mr. Thompson went home.... very mad.

      One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try
      once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem.

      "Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!"

      Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor
      scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson,

      "What you need is jar number 47, it's......"

      But before the doctor could finish his sentence, lo and beold!
      Immediately Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!


      Rita

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      Toon Chips
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      Tailgating Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard.

      Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the
      right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten
      the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

      The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in
      frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection
      with him. Grrrrr!!

      As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked
      up into the face of a very serious police officer.

      The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her
      to the polic station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
      photographed, and placed in a cell. If the woman was mad a few minutes
      ago, she was absolutely furious now!

      After a couple of hours in a cell, a policeman approached her cell and
      opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the
      arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

      He said, "Look, I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up
      behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off
      in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the
      'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do" bumper
      sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker and the
      chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

      Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."


      Rita




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      Parting Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Let's just walk up the hill to the terminal, rather than wait for the
      bus," I suggested to my two young sons. Much to their displeasure, we
      began our walk.

      After a while, my seven-year-old son asked: "Mom, why do you always make
      the decisions?"

      "Because I'm an adult," I said. "When you become an adult, you'll make
      the decisions."

      He thought for a few seconds, then said: "No, I won't. Then I'll have a
      wife."

      Pat

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




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      Bonus Chip
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Two men were out golfing. As one was ready
      to take his shot, a funeral procession drove
      by the golf course.

      The man stopped what he was doing, put down
      his club, and took off his hat and placed it over
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      Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      "Dear B.J. Sandi and Katie,
      Just send a short Thank you note for the wonderful, Thanksgiving dinner
      and to let you know how nice it was to be thought of I really enjoyed
      the day with all the other herd members,and your friends, It made my
      day! Love to you all. Dolores"

      Everyone is invited over for Christmas day. Send me your requests for
      food. PS I thought the turkey was excellent, but having to pull Mr Buff
      off it was a drag.

      BJ in Guthrie



      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

      *********************************************

      Remember 9/11/01



      Regarding any problems unsubscribing from this mailing list

      In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:

      William Brabant
      711 Pine Street Apt.1
      Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
    • William Brabant
      Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. VETERANS DAY, 2009 - - - - - - - BY THE PRESIDENT
      Message 348 of 348 , Nov 11, 2009
        Clean Clean


        Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
        name is Buffalo and I have the watch.



        VETERANS DAY, 2009
        - - - - - - -
        BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

        A PROCLAMATION

        We have a sacred trust with those who wear the uniform of the United
        States of America. From the Minutemen who stood watch over Lexington
        and Concord to the service members who served in Iraq and
        Afghanistan, American veterans deserve our deepest appreciation and
        respect. Our Nation's servicemen and women are our best and
        brightest, enlisting in times of peace and war, serving with honor
        under the most difficult circumstances, and making sacrifices that
        many of us cannot begin to imagine. Today, we reflect upon the
        invaluable contributions of our country's veterans and reaffirm our
        commitment to provide them and their families with the essential
        support they were promised and have earned.

        Caring for our veterans is more than a way of thanking them for
        their service. It is an obligation to our fellow citizens who have
        risked their lives to defend our freedom. This selflessness binds
        our fates with theirs, and recognizing those who were willing to
        give their last full measure of devotion for us is a debt of honor
        for every American.

        We also pay tribute to all who have worn the uniform and continue to
        serve their country as civilians. Many veterans act as coaches,
        teachers, and mentors in their communities, selflessly volunteering
        their time and expertise. They visit schools to tell our Nation's
        students of their experiences and help counsel our troops returning
        from the theater of war. These men and women possess an unwavering
        belief in the idea of America: no matter where you come from, what
        you look like, or who your parents are, this is a place where
        anything is possible. Our veterans continue to stand up for those
        timeless American ideals of liberty, self-determination, and equal
        opportunity.

        On Veterans Day, we honor the heroes we have lost, and we rededicate
        ourselves to the next generation of veterans by supporting our
        Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, Marines, and Coast Guardsmen as they
        return home from duty. Our grateful Nation must keep our solemn
        promises to these brave men and women and their families. They have
        given their unwavering devotion to the American people, and we must
        keep our covenant with them.

        With respect for and in recognition of the contributions our
        servicemen and women have made to the cause of peace and freedom
        around the world, the Congress has provided (5 U.S.C. 6103(a)) that
        November 11 of each year shall be set aside as a legal public
        holiday to honor our Nation's veterans.

        NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of
        America, do hereby proclaim November 11, 2009, as Veterans Day. I
        encourage all Americans to recognize the valor and sacrifice of our
        veterans through appropriate public ceremonies and private prayers.
        I call upon Federal, State, and local officials to display the flag
        of the United States and to participate in patriotic activities in
        their communities. I call on all Americans, including civic and
        fraternal organizations, places of worship, schools, and communities
        to support this day with commemorative expressions and programs.

        IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this thirtieth day
        of October, in the year of our Lord two thousand nine, and of the
        Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and
        thirty-fourth.

        BARACK OBAMA

        buffalo says All in all not a bad speech. Veteran's Day is hitting a
        little closer to home this year as local units are stationed in
        Afghanistan and we have had two local soldiers killed in action.

        Please keep Nancy in your prayers as surgery to remove a brain
        tumor is tomorrow.

        buffalo


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        Jewish Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        The year is 2012 and the United States of America has
        recently elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish
        President, Ms. Shirley Vineberg.

        So the President-elect calls up her mother in Brooklyn a
        few weeks after Election Day.

        "So ma, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

        "I don't think so. It's a six hour drive, and your father isn't as
        young as he used to be, and my gout is acting up again."

        "Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up
        and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

        "I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy; I don't know what
        on Earth I would wear."

        "Oh mom," replies Susan, "Don't worry about it. I'll make
        sure you have some wonderful dresses by Christian Dior."

        "Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich
        foods you and your friends like to eat."

        The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is
        going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the
        way. Mom, please, I want you to come."

        So Mom agrees and so on January 21, 2013, Shirley Vineberg
        is being sworn in as President of the United States of America.

        In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to
        a Senator sitting next to her; "You see that woman over there with
        her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?"

        The Senator whispers back, "Yes I do."

        "Her brother's a famous doctor."


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Riddle Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        What do you get if you cross a car and a pig?
        A road hog

        What do you get when you cross a fish with two elephants?
        Swimming trunks.

        Why was the cat a tennis fan?
        He had two brothers in the racket.

        What do you call a Chinese man with green hair?
        Brock Lee.

        Where in the world should one go to meet with a girl from another
        country for the purpose of going out?
        At the International Date Line (Clynch Varnadore)

        Why did the moron put a chicken in a tub of hot water?
        So she'd lay hard-boiled eggs.


        Stan Kegel

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Cat Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Have You Heard About These Cats?

        Have you heard about the tailor who let his cat out, the firefighter
        who put her cat out, and the private eye who put a tail on a Manx?

        Have you heard about the cat who entertained herself with some wool?
        After a while, she had a ball.

        Have you heard what happened when she swallowed that ball? She had
        mittens. All her offspring were born wearing sweaters.

        I hope you found this yarn to be a fine example of knit-wit. Here
        are some other cats that you might have heard about:

        Have you heard about . . .

        . the angry cat? She threw a hissy fit.

        . the grumpy cat? He was a sour puss.

        . the curious cat? He was a peeping tom.

        . the silent cat? She was the victim of a purr snatcher.

        . the psychic cat? He was adopted from the E.S.P.C.A.

        . the sensitive cat? She cried over spilt milk.

        . the dyslexic cat? He cried, "Woem, weom!"

        . the cat who had eight kittens? She was an octopus.

        . the cowardly felines? Their names were Scaredy and Fraidy.

        . the cat who swallowed a duck? He was a down-in-the-mouth,
        duck-filled fatty puss.

        . the cat who had a hair ball? She couldn't hack it.

        . the cat who was a comedian? His name was Groucho Manx.

        . the old cat who became forgetful and stopped making any
        sounds? She developed a purr-senility disorder.

        . the golf-playing cat? Even without a catty he consistently
        scored fur under purr.

        . the adolescent cat? She pleaded with her parents, "Why don't
        you let me lead one of my own lives?"

        . the cat who liked to lounge around the stereo? He hoped to
        catch the tweeter for lunch, unless the woofer got him first.

        . the cat who got hurt? She whimpered, "Me ow!"

        . the cat who was walking the beach on Christmas Eve? He had
        Sandy Claws.

        . the cat who ate some cheese and then sat by a mousehole? She
        waited with baited breath.

        . the radioactive cat? He had eighteen half-lives.

        . the cat who chased a mouse through the screen door? They
        both strained themselves.

        . the cat who robbed McDonald's and Wendy's? She was a cat
        burgerlar.

        . the cat named Ben Hur? It used to be called Ben, until it
        had kittens.

        . the cat who caught a bird? He enjoyed a breakfast of
        shredded tweet.

        . the fast cat? She put quicksand in her litter box.

        . the cat who tried to find out why his humans forgot to place
        cat litter in his box? He didn't have anything to go on.

        . the teeny-tiny cat? She drank only condensed milk.

        . the cat who loved to bowl? He was an alley cat.

        . the alley cat who married a chicken? They had a peeping tom.

        . the cat who married a tree? They had a catalog.

        . the cat who climbed the drapes? She had good claws to do it
        - and she started from scratch.

        . the cat with chutzpah? He was a pushy cat.

        . the cat who swallowed a bag of coins? There was money in
        that kitty.

        . the obese, ill-tempered, talkative cat? He was a flabby,
        crabby, gabby tabby.

        . the mother cat looking for her straying kittens? Like a
        poet, she listened for their mews.

        . the feline who impeded the iceman's work? The cat got his
        tong.

        . the baby cat who joined the Red Cross? She wanted to be a
        first-aid kit.

        . the two cats who raced each other to the milk bowl? One beat
        the other by a lap.

        . the kindle of cats named Johann Christian, Wilhelm
        Friedemann, Johann Sebastian, and Carl Philipp Emanuel? They were
        all born in a litter Bachs.

        . the man who was afraid of cats? He had catatonia,
        clawstrophobia, and purranoia.

        . the woman who refused to spay and neuter her cats? She was
        arrested for kitty littering.

        . the man who saw a sign at a pet store that said "Free Cats"?
        So he went in and did.

        . the unemployed cat burglar from Nepal? What else can a
        Katmandu? (By Richard Lederer)


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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Short Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        A teenager was always asking his father if he could borrow the
        family car. Pushed to the limit, the father asked his son why he
        thought "The Almighty" had given him two feet. Without hesitation,
        the son replied, "That's easy, one for the brake and one for the
        accelator."

        ~~

        Showing his friend around his home, Fred started to point out all of
        the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years
        of marriage. "The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece
        we've got just to see how much it's all worth." "But you couldn't
        possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you
        sell it."
        "Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"

        ~~~~~~

        The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been
        served in a backwoods eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning,
        but two of the spots were suspicious. "Hey," he called out to the
        waitress, "these particles in my soup - aren't they foreign
        objects?" She is scrutinizing his bowl. "No, sir!" she reassured
        him. "Those things live around here."

        ~~~

        "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "Would you be so kind as to
        help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?
        All I have in the world is this gun."

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Short Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        My three-year old daughter was talking to me while I shaved. The
        topic was cartoons, television and reality. She was going into great
        detail about the characters in the Dragon Tales cartoon. When she
        finished I said, "Honey, are cartoons real?" "No." was her brief
        reply. "Is TV real?" I said looking at her. "No." "I'm glad you know
        those things aren't real," I said patting her head. "You know what's
        real?" she asked wide-eyed. "You tell me." "Monsters are real!" she
        said walking out. "No they're not!" I called after her. "Yes they
        are!" "No they're not!" "Yes they are!" "No, honey," I said. "Those
        scary things that occasionally come into our house is only Mommy's
        family..."
        -------------------------------------
        My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for
        protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told
        her, "He doesn't like men." "Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and
        took the dog. Then one day she was approached by two men in a
        parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would
        react. Soon it became clear the the trainer wasn't kidding. As the
        men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.
        --------------------------------------
        The old lady had been married for many years when suddenly her
        husband died. This is what she put on his tombstone: "The Light of
        My Life Has Gone Out." Not long afterward she met, fell in love with
        and married another man. After thinking at some length about it, she
        went to the gravestone cutter and had him add a little postscript.
        The tombstone now
        reads: "The Light of My Life Has Gone out P.S. I Found A Match"


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        Random Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending
        fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him
        carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his
        eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his
        eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

        "Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."
        ---------------------------------
        I dialed a wrong number and got the following recording:
        "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring
        enough to call. I am making some changes in my life.
        Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return
        your call, you are one of the changes."
        -----------------------------------
        Recently we called a business phone number and heard the
        following: If you are calling from a touch-tone phone,
        press one now. If you are calling from a rotary phone,
        hang up and call back from a touch-tone phone.
        ----------------------------
        Heard on my cable-company's answering machine: We realize
        you are still holding. Please do not hang up as this will further
        delay your call.
        ------------------------------
        When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the
        psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your
        problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very
        beginning." "Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I
        created the Heavens and the Earth..."

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        LynnLynn's Links
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
        e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@...

        *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
        Subscribers and Friends

        Melva/GI Joe and Lillie
        http://silverandgoldandthee.net/V/Lil.html

        John w/ Veterans Day Tribute
        http://heavens-gates.com/veterans/

        God Bless America Again.
        http://summerhoosier.250free.com/HTML7/GodBlessAmericaAgain.html

        Veteran's Day Via Carol
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        *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

        Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)

        Military Motivational Posters
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        Movie Links

        Ollie
        http://www.buffaloschips.com/jhg.htm

        Parrot Plays Golf
        http://www.buffaloschips.com/hgrf.htm

        Pepsi Please
        http://www.buffaloschips.com/uyr.htm

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        http://www.buffaloschips.com/fer.htm

        Ponies
        http://www.buffaloschips.com/tred.htm


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Europe Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




        The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
        English will be the official language of the European Union rather
        than German, which was the other possibility.

        As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
        English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-

        year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

        In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this
        will
        make the sivil servants jump with joy.

        The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up
        konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

        There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
        troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words
        like
        fotograf 20% shorter.

        In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
        expekted
        to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

        Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
        always ben a deterent to akurate speling..

        Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the
        languag
        is disgrasful and it should go away.

        By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
        "th"
        with "z" and "w"with "v".

        During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
        kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl
        riten styl.

        Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu

        understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

        Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted
        in
        ze forst plas.

        If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

        Stan Kegel

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Toon Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Short Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son's
        room, a mother finally laid down the law: Each item of clothing she
        had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents. By the end of the week,
        he owed her $1.50. She received the money promptly, along with a 50
        cent tip and a note that read, "Thanks, Mom -- Keep up the good
        work!"
        ----------------------------------------
        While standing watch in the Coast Guard station in
        Juneau, Alaska, I got a call from the Navy in the
        nearby city of Adak. They'd lost contact with one
        of their planes and needed the Coast Guard to send
        an aircraft to find it.
        I asked the man where the Navy aircraft had last been
        spotted so we would know where to search.
        "I can't tell you," the Navy man said. "That's classified."
        -------------------------------------
        Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friends house.
        Knowing his sweet tooth Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes
        and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake." "No,"
        replied Tommy, "but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could
        make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without me
        asking."

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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        http://buffaloschips.com/glove


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Parting Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



        There was a nun named Sister Mary who, though she tried and tried,
        could never please the Mother Superior.

        One day she decided to chop some wood and build a fire in the
        fireplace to heat the place up, since it was starting to get cold.
        Perhaps that would impress the Mother.

        She spent all day chopping, hauling and stacking wood. Subsequently,
        she wound up shredding the sleeves of her habit.

        That night, as the other nuns came into the rectory, they were
        delighted to find the place warm and cozy, with a big fire roaring
        in the fireplace.

        Mother Superior came in. Sister Mary was prepared for the usual
        criticism, but instead, the Mother commended her. "You did a good
        job. This place is nice and toasty warm. Thank you," she said as she
        placed a hand on Sister Mary's shoulder.

        Sister Mary was speechless. All she could do was hold up her arms
        with the torn sleeves and say, "But look what happened!"

        "You did this chopping wood?" the Mother asked.

        "Yes," the Sister replied. "What do I do?"

        Mother Superior replied, "Simple. When you ax, then you shall re-
        sleeve."


        Stan Kegel


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        In 2009, Derek Jeter made baseball history and we're honoring him on
        this brilliant, uncirculated, genuine US Half Dollar. Layered in
        pure 24K gold, this coin is a great gift for any baseball fan. This
        limited edition coin is officially licensed and comes with a
        certificate of authenticity.

        Own your piece of baseball history today.


        View Website

        http://buffaloschips.com/jeter




        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Bonus Chip
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Priest and Pastor

        A priest and pastor from the local parishes were standing by the
        side of
        the road holding up a sign that read, "The End is Near! Turn
        yourself
        around now before it's too late!"

        They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. As the first
        driver sped past, he yelled, "Leave us alone...we don't believe in
        that
        religious stuff!"

        From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

        One clergyman said to the other, "Do you think we should just put up
        a
        sign that says, 'Bridge Out' instead?"

        JSH


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Turbo Snake is the fastest and easiest way to unclog any drain in
        your bathroom guaranteed.
        Simply glide the Turbo Snake down the drain, give it a twirl, and
        the specially designed hooks grab onto the hair and gunk to remove
        the clog with ease. Works on slow or clogged drains. The Large Turbo
        Snake for showers and tubs has a bigger hair grabbing pad and the
        Small Turbo Snake has a smaller head for sinks.

        Additional Ordering Details:

        http://buffaloschips.com/snake


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Katie's Komfort Kolumn
        Vol 1519

        Walking and Crisis

        Diana: Okay guys let's go for our walk!

        Rudy: A-Roo!!!

        The dogs and Diana head off for their walk as usual. As they
        approach
        the lake, the dogs head for the lake. Sandi just wades in, but Rudy
        and Katie go swimming. Katie goes in to her head and swims out
        quite a ways. On her way back to shore she walks through some
        weeds and gets some stickers on her and gets one deeply imbedded
        in her ear and immediately suffers some harsh pain.

        Rudy, Sandi and Diana are walking past her.

        Katie is down: Help....

        They are leaving, her voice is weak....

        Rudy, always the point man, circles around to take a head count.

        Rudy: Stop!!! We are missing Katie.

        Diana turns and looks back and sees Katie slowly, staggeringly
        walking
        towards them. She gets her cell phone and calls BJ.

        BJ: Yes.

        Diana: Come get Katie, she is either hurt or ill.

        BJ: On my way!

        A few minutes later...

        BJ opens the car door: Come on girl hop in.

        Katie: Sure glad to see you father.

        At the house..

        BJ: Diana, call the vet when they open and take our little girl in
        and call me at work to let me know what happened.

        much later...

        Diana calls BJ:

        Diana: She had to be put out. She had a sticker in her eardrum.
        She
        was a sick girl, but will be okay. She will be on meds for 10 days.

        Katie: More ice cream please!

        The herd in Guthrie

        (except for the ice cream, pretty much how it happened)

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

        *********************************************

        Remember 9/11/01



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