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Clean Chips For Thurs

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  • b brabant
    Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Today is April Fool s Day. It is a time of pranks
    Message 1 of 356 , Apr 1, 2004
      Clean Clean

      Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
      name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

      Today is April Fool's Day. It is a time of pranks and jokes and when
      you work in a place like a fireroom or a flywheel factory it is just
      the other 365 days of the year. Everyone likes to laugh and play a
      practical joke every once and a while but my brother Ron took it to
      new heights. We were making a ring out of heat treatable steel that
      eventually would become a gear in an Allison transmission. Allison
      was very picky about the material they were shipped and would refuse
      a whole truckload over one bad part. The weld on the ring had to be
      ground flush right from the welder and it was a hot and time consuming
      job that was considered to be one of the worse assignments in the plant.
      We did all the grinding with Black and Decker grinders and usually
      went through four or five a day. I would gather them all up and
      the good parts back into useable grinders and put them back on the floor
      with a notch in the handle showing that it had been rebuilt. I was proud
      that I was saving the company hundreds of dollars per grinder as many
      had four or five notches in the handle.
      One morning the foreman came up to me and told me the last batch of
      grinders I had rebuilt were " crap " and that brother Ron had burnt up
      that morning and Ron was upset that it was slowing up the number of
      he was able to turn out as he had to find the foreman and get another
      grinder. I decided I had better check this out and ducking behind
      I managed to get within ten feet of Ron without him noticing. I watched
      took a rebuilt grinder he had gotten only minutes before from the
      and clamped the grinding wheel into the vice that normally held the ring
      for grinding. He then held the trigger on the grinder, and unable to
      it overheated and smoke started to pour out of it. About that time I
      up behind him and kicked him in the butt with a size 12 steel toed boot
      thereby informing him that the game was over and he didn't even give me
      the usual innocent, " What was that for?"
      Keep an eye out for pranksters out there and enjoy the chips.......


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      Lent Chips

      John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic
      neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a
      juicy steak
      on his grill.

      Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper.
      This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the
      men got together and decided that something had to be done about John,
      tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it

      They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over
      talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his
      and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled
      water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a
      and now you are a Catholic."

      The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was
      The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent
      and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to
      tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill.
      The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?
      They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to
      he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent?

      The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill
      with a
      small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on
      grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you


      Snowbird Chips

      Tips For Snowbirds Moving South

      Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use
      If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You
      have a 75% chance of being right.
      Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay
      the two days of the year it snows.
      If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of
      four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along
      shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is
      they live for.
      Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
      Do not buy food at the movie store.
      If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone
      Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is
      plural possessive.
      There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent,
      unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
      Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
      People walk slower here.
      Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand
      The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's
      vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol'
      boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect
      this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
      The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
      Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
      If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last
      of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
      If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of
      way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
      Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do.
      fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license
      you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
      Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's
      windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
      The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until
      If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most
      minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local
      grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store,
      it is
      just something you're supposed to do.
      Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it
      to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical
      in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and
      therefore, be displayed.
      Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common.
      either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
      Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees
      Southerners living there.
      In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and
      You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", "Good Laud",
      "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
      As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly
      the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model
      vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane
      for the vehicle.
      You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the
      positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to
      find it



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      Kitchen Chips

      One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her
      secrets for preparing perfect sauces.

      When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said,
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      Fired Chips

      A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new
      is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

      On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on
      a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he
      business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do
      make a week?"

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      Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the
      and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

      With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters,

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      2. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only
      one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?

      3. What do you call 25 I.R.S. agents buried up to their chins in cement?
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      5. What do you throw to a drowning I.R.S. agent?
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      6. What's brown and looks really good on an I.R.S. agent?
      A Doberman.

      7. What's the difference between an I.R.S. agent and a mosquito? One is
      bloodsucking parasite, the other is an insect.


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      School Chips

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      He explained. "When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good
      morning back, it's Freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and
      their books, it's Sophomores. When they look up so they can see the
      instructor over the tops of the newspapers, it's juniors. When they put
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      Toon Chips

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      Church Chips

      A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take
      three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back,
      have a surprise for you". The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his
      went off to the Middle East.

      Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy
      parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new
      church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the
      "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice
      outside and in.

      But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it
      was at
      the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar.

      "You just wait until Sunday," the rich man said.

      When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered
      church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a
      clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and,
      automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reached the
      of the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew
      up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued,
      pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from
      front to back.

      "Wonderful!" said the vicar, "Marvelous!"

      The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He
      into his text and, when 12 o'clock came, he was still going strong, with
      end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap door in the floor behind
      pulpit dropped open.

      "Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvelous!"


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      As a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard
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      Bonus Chip

      Ole wasn't looking where he was going & his shopping cart collided with
      Bill's, as he turned a corner at the local Wal Mart. Ole says to Bill,
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      In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:

      William Brabant
      711 Pine Street Apt.1
      Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
    • William Brabant
      My name is buffalo and i have the watch. With Buffy and i both trying to lose weight I have cut down the amount of fast food meals to three or four a month.
      Message 356 of 356 , Jul 25, 2013
        My name is buffalo and i have the watch.

        With Buffy and i both trying to lose weight I have cut
        down the amount of fast food meals to three or four a
        month. That usually includes pizza once, McDonalds
        and Burger King once, and Taco Bell or Subway the
        other time. We no longer have a KFC as some
        employees were selling drugs out of there and when
        KFC found out they permanently pulled their franchise.
        Although I admire this action, that left us with only
        the supermarket deli chicken to fill that got to have
        some chicken right now urge and it isn't the same. It
        also doen't stop KFC from torturing you with the ads
        for new items like their boneless chicken and hot bites.
        Come on people spend your ad dollars where you have
        a store. Oh and we had two McDonald's up here but
        the one near the university wasn't doing well and
        when it closed they bulldozed it to the ground a short
        time after. What a waste of a building as it was only
        about 10-15 years old, and was Buffy's first job in high

        I misheard an announcement today about Taco Bell
        stopping their children's meal and toys and thought
        they had said McDonalds. When I mentioned it to
        Buffy, Eva went nuts as she usually controls where the
        fast food is coming from by what toys are being offered.
        I haven't told her yet that McDonald's plans on giving
        out more books with their Happy Meals which doesn't
        hurt my feelings one bit. books hurt your feet a lot less
        than plastic toys when you step on them in the dark
        and don't laugh at you or make rude comments.

        The actual announcement about McDonald's today was
        about the increase in sales at Wendy's beating out the
        growth at McDonald's. I sent Buffy to Wendy's last month
        as we hadn't been there in years and told her to bring me
        back burgers and fries from the dollar menu. My first
        question wa," Where's The Beef." The patty wasn't
        much larger than that in a White Castle burger. Also
        while we are on the subject of burger accessories,
        remember how McDonalds used to have the best fries?
        About a year ago BK brought out there new fries that
        are larger and don't go limp on you when you nuke them.
        The only problem is that they oversalt them in my opinion.
        I have pretty much put away the salt shakers around
        my dining area and the salt on a half dozen BK fries
        will put your BP up 20 points for the rest of the day, so
        have it your way and tell them easy on the salt or I'll
        call corporate on you.
        Enjoy the chips... buff


        Transylvania Chips

        Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe, near
        Transylvania . They drive in a rental car along a rather deserted highway.
        It is late, raining very hard and Bob can barely see the road in front of
        the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control. Bob attempts to control it,
        but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree.. Moments later,
        Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger
        seat and sees Betty unconscious, with her head bleeding. Despite the rain
        and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
        He carefully picks her up and begins trudging down the road. After a short
        while, he sees a light and heads towards it, which is coming from a large,
        old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A small, hunched man opens the
        door. Bob blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill and this is my wife Betty.
        We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been Seriously hurt. Can
        I please use your phone?" "I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't
        have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in, and I will get him." Bob
        brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my
        assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.
        However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had some basic
        medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the
        laboratory." With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with
        Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob
        collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an
        adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.
        "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work
        feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more. The Hills'
        deaths upsets Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his
        conservatory, which houses his grand piano. It is here that he has always
        found solace and he begins to play. A stirring, almost haunting melody fills
        the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch
        movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to
        the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise,
        marking the beat. He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up
        straight! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the
        conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master! The
        Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

        Stan Kegel via Ted


        Beggar Chips

        Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy.
        One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.
        Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of
        the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

        The Pope comes by.
        He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds
        the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.
        Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says: "My
        poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is
        the Seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit
        there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting
        beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give
        more money to him just out of spite."

        The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned
        to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach
        the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"



        Funeral Chips

        An old Jewish man, Mr. Goldberg, dies and his family is planning the
        funeral. The local rabbi, they discover, is on a trip to Israel. After
        many telephone calls, they manage to reach a rabbi from the next town;
        he agrees to officiate at the funeral the next day. After chanting the
        "Kaddish" and "El Molay Rachamim" the rabbi begins his eulogy.

        "We are here to mourn the passing of our friend, Mr. Goldberg, a
        respected citizen and honored member of the community," Suddenly, an old
        man jumps up and says, "What are you talking about, Rabbi? This man was
        a gonnif, a momzer, and would cheat his own grandmother for fifty cents!

        "The rabbi decides to take another approach, "We are here to mourn the
        passing of our friend Mr. Goldberg, a patron of the synagogue and
        dedicated Talmudic scholar."

        Again the old man jumps up and says, "Are you meshuggeh, Rabbi? This man
        hasn't been in a shul since his bar mitzvah!"

        Again, the rabbi begins his eulogy, "We are here to mourn the passing of
        our friend, Mr. Goldberg, a loving husband and dedicated father." Once
        again the old man jumps up and says, "Rabbi, you obviously didn't know
        Goldberg. He cheated on his wife whenever he could and he never had time
        to spend with his children!"

        At this point, the rabbi is at a loss for words. Finally, he says, "My
        friends, have we not as Jews suffered from the insults and prejudices of
        our neighbors? Must we stoop to their level and speak ill of our own
        people? Surely, there is someone in this congregation who knew Mr.
        Goldberg and can say something good and kind about his life."

        After an entire minute of silence, the old man stands up again and says,
        "His brother was worse!"


        Border Chips

        Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border
        checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "Well now, it's
        illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four".

        "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts
        incredulously. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five

        "Ah no, you can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy. "Quattro means
        four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking
        the law."

        The Englishmen replies angrily, "You are an idiot! Call your supervisor
        over - I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

        "Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy's not available. He is busy with 2
        fellas in a Fiat Uno."


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        The Rainbow Bridge Poem - A Pet Loss Poem

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        Bobcat On A Cactus!


        School Chips

        On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
        The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted
        fruit. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The
        candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then
        the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted
        it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.She touched a drop of the
        liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the
        boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?" "No," said
        the little boy............."It's a puppy!"



        Short Chips

        "I've got 3 TVs, cable, & a satellite dish; I have 3 phone lines in the
        house, a cell phone & one in the car, plus a pager.

        I use 2 computers, 3 ISPs and a fax. I subscribe to two daily papers &
        one weekly one. I watch both the local & network news every evening.

        And my kids have the nerve to tell me I'm out of touch!"


        Everyone had weighed in, and our diet-workshop leader began her lecture
        on the week's topic - the problems of dining out.

        She talked about alternatives, such as requesting diet sodas and salad
        dressings, and having meat broiled instead of fried.

        Finally she turned the question over to the group for discussion. "What
        is the greatest problem you encounter when going out to eat?"

        Replied one woman rather quickly......

        "Running into you!"


        My dad bought my mom a piano for her birthday.

        A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.

        "Oh....that," said my dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."

        "Gee, how come?" I asked.

        "Well..." he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing...."


        The banker had called the man in to talk about his account.

        "Your financial affairs are in a big mess! Your wife constantly
        overdraws your account. She is behind in her charge accounts at the
        department store, and her check stubs are all added wrong. So...why
        don't you talk to her about it?"

        "Because...." said the man, "I would rather argue with you than with


        Fishing Chips

        Two blondes go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the
        reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a
        cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!

        The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same
        thing happens on the second day, and also on the third day. It goes on
        like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the
        blondes catches a fish.

        As they're driving home they're really depressed. One blonde turns to
        the other and says,

        "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen
        hundred bucks?"

        The other blonde says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any



        Parting Chips

        An Emergency Call Center worker in London, England, has been sacked,
        much to the dismay of her
        colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal.

        It seems a male caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am
        depressed and lying here on a
        railway line. I am waiting for the train to come so that I can finally
        meet Allah."

        Apparently, "Remain calm and stay on the line," was not considered to
        be an appropriate response


        Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean


        Remember 9/11/01

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