Clean Chips For Mon
- Clean Clean
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Today Dick who is a frequent contributor to several of our lists has the
When I got out of Navy bootcamp in December, 1963, I was sent to the
Kitty Hawk for 6 months of on-hand training before going to Electronic
Technician School. At that time, all of the radar repeaters (display
devices) were tube operated. I was taught how to use a tube tester and
given a diagram of what tubes did what. I could probably fix about 95%
of the repeater problems.
One night on graves, we had a call for the repeater on the bridge. This
was up about 6 decks from where we were. There I go up 6 ladders with my
tube tester and a tube kit. At that time, I was 5' 7" and probably all
of 125 lbs. I finally get up there and the old man happened to be up on
The repeater had a common problem and I was done in about 15 minutes.
The old man thanked me for taking care of it so rapidly. I started
heading for the ladder with all of my things. He stopped me and asked me
how far I had to carry them. I told him 6 decks. He gave me permission
to use the elevator and to walk through officers country to get back.
Said if anyone stopped me to tell them he had given me permission.
Shortly after that, he had my GQ station changed. If you look at a
picture of the front of a carrier, you'll see 2 or 3 port holes. This
was where the old man (and the Admiral - if he was aboard) went for GQ.
Had a radar repeater there. I was assigned there, along with a radar
technician and a couple of Marines. If the Admiral wasn't there, I would
sit in one of the big plush leather chairs that were positioned to look
out the port holes.
Needless to say, all of the calls to the bridge were then my
responsibility as none of the others had permission to go through
Dick in Albuquerque
Have a good Monday and becareful out there... buffalo
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Below is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 80 year old
woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published
in the New York Times.
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must
have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I
admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended
for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my
account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to reethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I
personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on,
I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My
mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally
and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person
to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact
Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it
runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her
as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that
all copies of his or her medical history must be undersigned by a Notary
Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it
cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the
number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on
your phone bank service. As they say, 'imitation is the sincerest form
of flattery'. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call
me, press buttons as follows: 1. To make an appointment to see me. 2.
To query a missing payment. 3. To transfer the call to my living room
in case I am there. 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping. 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending
to nature. 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at
home. 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later
date to the Authorized Contact. 8. To return to the main menu and to
listen to options 1 through 7. 9. To make a general complaint or
inquiry the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of
my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again, following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client,
Lydia B. Hodgson
Shooting an empty gun.
Hunting in an empty forest.
A few walls short of a complete house.
A few crumbs short of the cake.
His porch light is flickering.
No grain in the silo.
Receiver is off the hook.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Not the sharpest pencil in the box.
About a half a bubble off level.
Not the brightest crayon in the box.
A few gunmen short of a posse.
Missing some of the dots on his dice?
Only got One Oar In The Water.
Not the quickest bunny in the forest.
The porch lights on, but nobody's home.
Too much chlorine in the gene pool.
Not the brightest bulb on the tree.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
The cheese has slipped off the cracker.
Not the brightest star in the galaxy.
Not the sharpest tack in the box.
I.Q. of two, but takes three to grunt.
Thinks the Hard Rock Cafe is a restaurant for boulders.
Tried to read a book "between the lines."
A few chocolate chips short of a cookie.
A few tantrums short of a toddler.
A couple gallons short of a swimming pool.
IQ lower than your average rock.
A couple apples short of a bushel.
Several aliens short of a UFO.
A few CDs short of a jukebox.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
One brick shy of a fireplace.
One bubble short of a bath.
Wheels are spinning but the tires are off the ground.
One eye closed and can't see out of the other.
One tree short of a hammock.
He thinks the Mexican border pays rent.
If he blew up a balloon his head would deflate.
Two slices of bread shy of a sandwich.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a happy meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead!
One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldn't pour
water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the
stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. An intellect rivaled
only by garden tools. As smart as bait. Sharp as a marble. Doesn't have
all his dogs on one leash. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
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I dropped off my wife at the hair stylist and she was supposed to call
me when she was ready to be picked up. She must have dialed a wrong
number, she reported later.
She called, and a man said "Hello," to which she cheerfully said,
"Come and get me!"
The man said, "Are you SURE? This is Mitchell's Funeral Home."
I called a wrong number recently, and realized my mistake when no one
answered after several rings. That afternoon I received a call from a
woman that went as follows: "I'm Mrs. Jones. Did you call me today?"
"I don't remember calling you. But I dialed a wrong number today
and that might have been yours."
"How could you dial my number by mistake? It's unlisted!"
When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church
altar with my mother when she took communion.
On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the
priest say when he gives you the bread?"
Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years
later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you
get to your seat."
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2. It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.
3. He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way
4. Have a cup of coffee, it's already been saucered and blowed. 5. She's
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8. Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining. 9. He's as country
as cornflakes. 10. This is gooder'n grits. 11. Busier than a cat
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hire somebody to help
me enjoy it.
13. I smell what you're steppin' in.
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A bank manager without anyone around
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But not with other banks
because two banks with different rates
have a conflict of interest.
Whenever I go near my bank
I get withdrawal symptoms.
But I keep away because the fine print is
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Friendship so special.Beautiful poem by Kay Brewer
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I worked years for someone else
So that I could retire.
I dreamed of sleeping late
And sitting by the fire.
I dreamed of long vacations,
Enjoying stage and song.
But, let me set you straight on that concept,
It is simply wrong.
I did junk my safety glasses
And the work boots that cramped my toes.
But, the rest of it had a mind of it's own
And this is how it goes.
My wife had been thinking of retirement
And had plans of her own.
She had spent much time with the kids
But, now they are grown and gone.
We sold our cattle and horses
So we wouldn't have that chore.
I poured concrete over my alarm clock
But, I still wake up at four.
I get my eyes checked on Monday.
Maggie gets hers checked the next day.
I go for a colon check on Wednesday
And pass my wife going the other way.
I have a dental appointment on Thursday.
Ann goes for a test on her heart.
Friday we go get prescriptions filled
And browse a while at Wal-mart.
Saturdays we just stay home
And try to get the paper work right.
We can't take any overnight trips
'Cause we can't see to drive at night.
Restroom confusion keeps us out of church on Sunday
And we really do hate that.
There's nothing wrong with the restrooms,
We just can't remember where they're at.
We don't need to plan next week,
Just make sure we can drive.
And not forget where the hospitals and clinics are.
We'll need them to survive.
So, don't build your castles too high, my friend,
While strolling through the clover.
This is a typical week in retirement
And on Monday we start all over!
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A visitor from Buffalo was strolling along the
California surf one morning.
During his walk he came upon a fellow, fishing pole
clutched in his hands, sound asleep against the
side of a huge coastal rock.
Just then the pole began to jerk violently.
"Hey, there!" cried the visitor as he roused the
"Look out there! You have a bite."
"So I do," yawned the drowsy one glancing out at the water.
"If you don't mind, will you pull in the line for me?" T
he visitor, somewhat surprised, did as he was requested.
"Now, mister," continued the fisherman, "put some fresh
bait on the hook and cast the line out for me."
Again the visitor complied. After doing so he turned to
the lazy angler.
"You know," he declared, "anyone as lazy as you ought
to get married and have a son to do these things for him."
"That's a good idea," beamed the fisherman. "Know where
I could find a pregnant woman?"
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Rabbi who's been leading a congregation for many years is upset by the
fact that he's never been able to eat pork. So he devises a plan
whereby he flies to a remote tropical island and checks into a hotel.
He immediately gets himself a table at the finest restaurant and orders
the most expensive pork dish on the menu. As he's eagerly waiting for
it to be served, he hears his name called from across the restaurant.
He looks up to see 10 of his loyal congregants approaching.
His luck, they'd chosen the same time to visit the same remote location!
Just at that moment, the waiter comes out with a huge silver tray
carrying a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth. The Rabbi looks
up sheepishly at his congregants and says, "Wow - you order an apple in
this place and look how it's served!"
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After watching a total malfunction, i.e. the parachute fails to deploy,
one of the students asked "SGT Airborne, if we have a complete
malfunction, how much time do we have to deploy our reserve parachutes?"
"Airborne, you have the REST of your life to deploy that reserve!"
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Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean
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Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
- My Name is Buffalo and I have the watch
Buffy and I had to make a quick run over to the
hospital today to drop off a urine sample before
the appointment with the Kidney doctor tomorrow.
We drove up the cross street to our Main St.,
Ashmun Blvd. It seems like whatever time you
hit the main drag during the day the street is packed
and all traffic is out of town which never ceases to
amaze everyone as they wait for the traffic to clear.
Finally after about five minutes the traffic cleared
for a second and Buffy made her left hand turn at
the moment someone else was making a right from
Burger King into our lane. I warned buffy and at the
same time gave a wave and smile to the Mennonite
gentleman driving the car and he waved back. Buffy
of course growled about the Amish dude that almost
hit her. I corrected her on the basis of the blue shirt
and the fact he was driving and told her to be careful
because he might be part of the Amish Mafia and shoot
her horse or steal the wheels from her carriage. Buffy
didn't have a clue to what I was talking about as she
isn't a Discovery Channel fan
I would like to say this about the new show. I have
always been an admirer of the Amish for their simple
life style and accomplishments by working as a community.
The last thing they needed was a view of church sponsored
extortion in their communities. The series should be stopped
because they are worse than a bunch of cow tipping
college kids running amok.
Enjoy the chips... buffalo
A Glimpse Into The Future....
(Original author unknown)
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Express . May I have your
national ID number?"
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."
Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on.... lemme get my glasses
so I can read this card....eh......Okay.....it's 6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan! I see you live at 1742 Meadowland
Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at
Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302, and your cell number's 266-2566. Which
number are you calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information
Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean? Whaddya talking about?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high
blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care
provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."
Customer: "Oh man...geez! What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like
it. It's pretty tasty."
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that? I mean,
Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your
local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."
Customer: (muttering under his breath) "All right, all right. Give me
two family-sized soybean pizzas, then."
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids,
sir. Your total is $49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash.
Your credit card balance is over its limit."
Customer: "Well, I'll just run over to the ATM and get some cash before
your driver gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's
Customer: "Never mind. Never mind. Just... send the pizzas. I'll have
the cash ready. How long will it take?"
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45
minutes. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're
out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a
Customer: "How in the world do you know I'm riding a bike?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your
car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up.
Customer: "Yeah, well, the bike's not bad..."
Operator: "I'd advise watching your speed though, sir. You've already
got a July 2007 conviction for speeding."
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us
from offering free soda to diabetics."
Customer: "You know what? Never mind - I've changed my mind. I don't
think I want ANYTHING from you guys."
Operator: "Have a nice day then, sir. Oh and before I go, I just want to
remind you that it's time for your daughter's medication about right
now. And sir? Thank you again for calling Pizza Express."
Taco Bell Chips
The $5.37 Order At Taco Bell
THE MORE YOU READ THE FUNNIER IT GETS...... COULDN'T DECIDE WHETHER TO LAUGH
$5.37!That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something
that used to be a Jolly Rancher.Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I
started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with
the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.He said,
"It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change
hitting the counter in front of me."Only$4.68"he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?A mere child!Senior
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with
Elmo.Was he blind?As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought.I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode
to the counter,and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of
me,like I could be that easily distracted!What am I now?A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"I stared with utter
disdain at the keys.I began to rationalize in my mind!
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck.I slipped the key into the ignition,
but it wouldn't turn.What now?I checked my keys and tried another.Still
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.I
had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus:The car seat in the back
seat.Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.A partially eaten dough
nut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,relieved to finally be
leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.That is when I felt it, deep in the
bowels of my stomach: hunger!My stomach growled and churned, and I reached
to grab my burrito,only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,and strode back into the
restaurant one final time.There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail
polish.All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?At this point I
was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,and then go
straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue.I walked back out to the truck,and suddenly a young lad
came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.He was holding up a drink
and a bag.His mother explained,"I think you left this in my truck by
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words:"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this
all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph
zone.Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.And no, I told the
officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.I handed
her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.I promptly sat in my
rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.
Winters are fierce in Northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he
was doing a good deed when he bought a pair of earmuffs for his foreman. One
cold, blustery day, he noticed that the foreman wasn't wearing them. In
fact, he couldn't recall a time he'd ever seen the man wear the earmuffs.
Walking up to his foreman, he asked, "Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave
"Oh, they were a thing of beauty and kept my ears nice and toasty warm!"
"Then why aren't you wearing them?"
"Well, I did wear them that first cold day, but then, someone offered me a
drink and I didn't hear him!"
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a
wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The
farmer said, "That's once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The
farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The
farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a
shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride raised all kind of hell with him, telling
him, "That was an awful thing to do."
The farmer said, "That's once."
It was a particularly horrific crime and the judge could not
refrain from saying so to the defendant. As the defendant was brought
before him for arraignment, the judge said, "You are charged with
throwing your mother-in-law out of your fourth-story window."
The defendant responded, "I did it without thinking, your
The judge scolded, "That's no excuse! Don't you see how
dangerous it might have been! What if someone was passing underneath at
A father finds his four year old daughter outside
brushing their dog's teeth using his toothbrush. Dad asks, "What are
you doing with my toothbrush?"
The daughter replies, "I'm brushing his teeth. But don't worry
dad, I'll rinse it out when I'm done -- just like I always do."
Please forgive our lack of a fancy template at the moment and
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Poems Of The Week
Soaring With Eagles Via Robert
Your Home Appliances May be Spying on You | Fox Business
ARMSLIST - Gun Classifieds Via Dianne
Scott Weaver Toothpick Art!
Scientists Unveil New Species!
Top 19 Rejected International Sports Team Names:
19. Brussels Sprouts
18. Cannes Openers
17. Amsterdam Yankees
16. Vienna Sausages
15. Belgium Waffles
14. Manila Folders
13. Czech Bouncers
12. New Delhi Catessans
11. Buenos Airheads
10. Guadalajara Krishnas
9. Iraqi Raccoons
8. Bolivia DeHavillands
7. Seoul Brothers
6. Taipei Personalities
5. Syria Killers
4. Hungary Jacks
3. Dublin Mint Twins
2. Prague Tologists
1. Peking Toms
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his
tail instead of his tongue. -Anonymous
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence
that you are wonderful. -Ann Landers
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to
go where they went. -Will Rogers
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking
your face. -Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than
he loves himself. -Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and
love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all.
It's the best deal man has ever made. -M. Acklam
Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who
are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
cult. -Rita Rudner
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn
around three times before lying down. -Robert Benchley
Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current
events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of
late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are
often continued in the next yard. -Dave Barry
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed
a dog. -Franklin P. Jones
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. -James Thurber
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. -Unknown
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to
$3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. -Joe
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here
we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing
haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're
the greatest hunters on earth! -Anne Tyler
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs
should relax and get used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein
Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. -Dave Miliman
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he
will not bite you; that is the principal difference between
a dog and a man. -Mark Twain
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will
give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never
would've thought of that!' -Dave Barry
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. -Roger Caras
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog
biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of
them. -Phil Pastoret
My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog already thinks I am.
At my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking
through a photo album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma, so many of
these styles have come back over the years," I commented.
Grandma never hesitated. "That's why I've kept Grandpa all this
time," she said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these
No one is more cautious than a first-time parent.
After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I
bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet.
The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-checked
all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway,
carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar,
accidentally kicked her right in the chin.
SEATTLE, Washington (Reuters) -- A black bear was found passed out at a
campground in Washington state recently after guzzling down three dozen
cans of a local beer, a campground worker said on Wednesday.
"We noticed a bear sleeping on the common lawn and wondered what was
going on until we discovered that there were a lot of beer cans lying
around," said Lisa Broxson, a worker at the Baker Lake Resort, 80 miles
(129 km) northeast of Seattle.
The hard-drinking bear, estimated to be about two years old, broke into
campers' coolers and, using his claws and teeth to open the cans,
swilled down the suds.
It turns out the bear was a bit of a beer sophisticate. He tried a
mass-market Busch beer, but switched to Rainier Beer, a local ale, and
stuck with it for his drinking binge.
Wildlife agents chased the bear away, but it returned the next day, said
They set a trap using as bait some doughnuts, honey and two cans of
Rainier Beer. It worked, and the bear was captured for relocation.
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