Loading ...
Sorry, an error occurred while loading the content.

Clean Chips For Mon

Expand Messages
  • b brabant
    Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Today Dick who is a frequent contributor to several
    Message 1 of 286 , Mar 1, 2004
      Clean Clean

      Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
      name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

      Today Dick who is a frequent contributor to several of our lists has the
      watch .buffalo

      When I got out of Navy bootcamp in December, 1963, I was sent to the
      Kitty Hawk for 6 months of on-hand training before going to Electronic
      Technician School. At that time, all of the radar repeaters (display
      devices) were tube operated. I was taught how to use a tube tester and
      given a diagram of what tubes did what. I could probably fix about 95%
      of the repeater problems.

      One night on graves, we had a call for the repeater on the bridge. This
      was up about 6 decks from where we were. There I go up 6 ladders with my
      tube tester and a tube kit. At that time, I was 5' 7" and probably all
      of 125 lbs. I finally get up there and the old man happened to be up on
      the bridge.

      The repeater had a common problem and I was done in about 15 minutes.
      The old man thanked me for taking care of it so rapidly. I started
      heading for the ladder with all of my things. He stopped me and asked me
      how far I had to carry them. I told him 6 decks. He gave me permission
      to use the elevator and to walk through officers country to get back.
      Said if anyone stopped me to tell them he had given me permission.

      Shortly after that, he had my GQ station changed. If you look at a
      picture of the front of a carrier, you'll see 2 or 3 port holes. This
      was where the old man (and the Admiral - if he was aboard) went for GQ.
      Had a radar repeater there. I was assigned there, along with a radar
      technician and a couple of Marines. If the Admiral wasn't there, I would
      sit in one of the big plush leather chairs that were positioned to look
      out the port holes.

      Needless to say, all of the calls to the bridge were then my
      responsibility as none of the others had permission to go through
      officer's country.

      Dick in Albuquerque

      Have a good Monday and becareful out there... buffalo


      Please visit our Sponsor

      You could be the next $10,000 iWon weekday winner - plus,
      get the latest news, sports scores, stock quotes and more!

      You could win up to $25 Million* just for checking your email, reading
      your horoscope, or catching up on the latest news! Click below for your
      chance to WIN CASH on iWon.com:

      *No purchase necessary. See www.iWon.com for official rules, odds and
      prize information. Open to US and Canadian residents (excluding Quebec)
      age 13 and over. Odds of winning depend on number of entries received.

      For more information about iWon, including our address and unsubscribe
      link, click here: http://www.mailunsubscribe.com/optout.jsp?pid=IWON


      Bank Chips

      Below is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 80 year old
      woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published
      in the New York Times.

      Dear Sir:
      I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored
      to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must
      have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my
      account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the
      automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I
      admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended
      for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my
      account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

      My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
      caused me to reethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I
      personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
      contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
      prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on,
      I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My
      mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
      automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally
      and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
      Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person
      to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact
      Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it
      runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her
      as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that
      all copies of his or her medical history must be undersigned by a Notary
      Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation
      (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
      documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN
      number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it
      cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the
      number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on
      your phone bank service. As they say, 'imitation is the sincerest form
      of flattery'. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call
      me, press buttons as follows: 1. To make an appointment to see me. 2.
      To query a missing payment. 3. To transfer the call to my living room
      in case I am there. 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
      sleeping. 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending
      to nature. 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at
      home. 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
      computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later
      date to the Authorized Contact. 8. To return to the main menu and to
      listen to options 1 through 7. 9. To make a general complaint or
      inquiry the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of
      my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a
      lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
      Regrettably, but again, following your example, I must also levy an
      establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

      May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

      Your Humble Client,
      Lydia B. Hodgson



      Stupid Chips

      Shooting an empty gun.
      Hunting in an empty forest.
      A few walls short of a complete house.
      A few crumbs short of the cake.
      His porch light is flickering.
      No grain in the silo.
      Receiver is off the hook.
      Slinky's kinked.

      Too much yardage between the goal posts.
      Not the sharpest pencil in the box.
      About a half a bubble off level.
      Not the brightest crayon in the box.
      A few gunmen short of a posse.
      Missing some of the dots on his dice?
      Only got One Oar In The Water.
      Not the quickest bunny in the forest.

      The porch lights on, but nobody's home.
      Too much chlorine in the gene pool.
      Not the brightest bulb on the tree.
      Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
      The cheese has slipped off the cracker.
      Not the brightest star in the galaxy.
      Not the sharpest tack in the box.
      I.Q. of two, but takes three to grunt.

      Thinks the Hard Rock Cafe is a restaurant for boulders.
      Tried to read a book "between the lines."
      A few chocolate chips short of a cookie.
      A few tantrums short of a toddler.
      A couple gallons short of a swimming pool.
      IQ lower than your average rock.
      A couple apples short of a bushel.
      Several aliens short of a UFO.

      A few CDs short of a jukebox.
      Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
      One brick shy of a fireplace.
      One bubble short of a bath.
      Wheels are spinning but the tires are off the ground.
      One eye closed and can't see out of the other.
      One tree short of a hammock.
      He thinks the Mexican border pays rent.
      If he blew up a balloon his head would deflate.

      Two slices of bread shy of a sandwich.
      A few clowns short of a circus.
      A few fries short of a happy meal.
      An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
      Dumber than a box of hair.
      A few peas short of a casserole.
      The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead!
      One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
      A few feathers short of a whole duck.

      Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
      Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldn't pour
      water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the
      stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. An intellect rivaled
      only by garden tools. As smart as bait. Sharp as a marble. Doesn't have
      all his dogs on one leash. Forgot to pay his brain bill.

      Her sewing machine's out of thread.
      His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
      His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
      If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
      Missing a few buttons on his remote control.



      Get your Free Sample of NEW YOU FACIAL Shipped to your door NOW!

      Click Here: http://c.qckjmp.com/az/ch.php?f=342&i=1691&aux=1

      Used regularly, this system assists to "de-age" the appearance of your
      skin and works just as well on these skin conditions:

      - large pores
      - blotches
      - acne scars

      Click Here Now to learn more and get YOUR FREE SAMPLE:


      NEW YOU FACIAL is making alpha hydroxy and glycolic acids treatments

      Get YOUR FREE SAMPLE NOW! Click Here:


      Random Chips

      I dropped off my wife at the hair stylist and she was supposed to call
      me when she was ready to be picked up. She must have dialed a wrong
      number, she reported later.
      She called, and a man said "Hello," to which she cheerfully said,
      "Come and get me!"
      The man said, "Are you SURE? This is Mitchell's Funeral Home."
      I called a wrong number recently, and realized my mistake when no one
      answered after several rings. That afternoon I received a call from a
      woman that went as follows: "I'm Mrs. Jones. Did you call me today?"
      "I don't remember calling you. But I dialed a wrong number today
      and that might have been yours."
      "How could you dial my number by mistake? It's unlisted!"
      When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church
      altar with my mother when she took communion.
      On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the
      priest say when he gives you the bread?"
      Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years
      later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you
      get to your seat."

      ( ) Oooo.
      ----------\ (--------( )---------
      \_ ) ) /
      From: Ann Lindholm (_ / AKA: Doubloon


      <A HREF="http://oz.valueclick.com/r/hs0240501/a0117056/0"
      TARGET="_top">Get Your FREE SAMPLE of Jelly Belly Candies!</A>


      Southern Chips

      1. Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
      2. It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.
      3. He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way
      4. Have a cup of coffee, it's already been saucered and blowed. 5. She's
      so stuck up; she'd drown in a rainstorm. 6. It's so dry; the trees are
      bribing the dogs. 7. My cow died last night so I don't need your bull.
      8. Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining. 9. He's as country
      as cornflakes. 10. This is gooder'n grits. 11. Busier than a cat
      covering crap on concrete. 12. If things get any better, I may have to
      hire somebody to help
      me enjoy it.
      13. I smell what you're steppin' in.



      TV WALL enables you to convert any regular TV into a high quality big
      screen projector, a rear projection unit or your wide-screen theater --
      without spending thousands of dollars.

      Believe me ... the more you read here, the more you will be glad you
      found this.

      The TV WALL System isn't the same old re-hashed information that you've
      seen before. Don't waste your money on other plans that only give you a
      weak picture that is similar to looking through the old style "X-Ray"
      Glasses advertised in the old comic books.



      Groaner Chips

      A bank manager without anyone around
      may find themselves a-loan. Some bankers
      are generous to a vault.

      But not with other banks
      because two banks with different rates
      have a conflict of interest.

      Whenever I go near my bank
      I get withdrawal symptoms.

      But I keep away because the fine print is
      usually a clause for suspicion.



      Coin Collecting has often been called the Hobby of Kings. The attention
      that coin collecting gets in the national media almost exclusively
      focuses on the multi-million dollar, glamorous U.S. coins such as the
      1804 Dollar, the 1913 Liberty Nickel and the recent 1933 Saint. This
      leaves the incorrect impression that coins are a rich man's hobby.
      Nothing could be further from the truth. We can show you many of the
      secrets of coin collecting.



      LynnLynn's Links

      If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-mail
      to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@...

      Subscribers and Friends

      My Apparition.Beautiful poem by Ginny Bryant

      Friendship so special.Beautiful poem by Kay Brewer

      I Cross My Heart http://www.geocities.com/gonecountryagain4u5/heart.html

      "one Plus One Equals One"



      Find a New Car dealer near you.

      <a href="http://www.qksrv.net/click-453319-10306817" target="_top" >Find
      a New Car dealer near you.</a><


      Surfin Surfari

      World of Celtic Art

      Save That Show.com ---Help save your favorite TV shows!---

      Women in War - World War Two

      Recycle Packing Peanuts

      OneLook Reverse Dictionary


      Phreego - DSL Speeds from Dial-Up!

      Catch the Express, Phreego Express

      $9.95 - <a href="http://www.qksrv.net/click-453319-10310610"
      >Phreego Express Internet</a>


      Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)

      Gif Split


      CGI How To http://www.ku.edu/~acs/docs/other/cgi-with-perl.shtml


      21st Century Auto Insurance:

      Our new customers report average savings of $300 on car insurance! Click



      Animal World

      Doggie Zone

      Those Majestic Macaws

      Kitty Korner

      Why You don't Feed Cats Table scraps


      Looking for shoes and tired of the lack of sizes and brands at your
      local store? Free shipping and return shipping if you are not


      <a href="http://www.qksrv.net/click-453319-164094" > Zappos.com - the
      Web's Most Popular Shoe Store!</a>


      Orange County Choppers OCC Weld T-Shirt

      100 Percent Cotton Front Printed Orange County Choppers T-Shirt With 3-D
      Chrome and Gray Weld Ink



      Retired Chips

      I worked years for someone else
      So that I could retire.
      I dreamed of sleeping late
      And sitting by the fire.

      I dreamed of long vacations,
      Enjoying stage and song.
      But, let me set you straight on that concept,
      It is simply wrong.

      I did junk my safety glasses
      And the work boots that cramped my toes.
      But, the rest of it had a mind of it's own
      And this is how it goes.

      My wife had been thinking of retirement
      And had plans of her own.
      She had spent much time with the kids
      But, now they are grown and gone.

      We sold our cattle and horses
      So we wouldn't have that chore.
      I poured concrete over my alarm clock
      But, I still wake up at four.

      I get my eyes checked on Monday.
      Maggie gets hers checked the next day.
      I go for a colon check on Wednesday
      And pass my wife going the other way.

      I have a dental appointment on Thursday.
      Ann goes for a test on her heart.
      Friday we go get prescriptions filled
      And browse a while at Wal-mart.

      Saturdays we just stay home
      And try to get the paper work right.
      We can't take any overnight trips
      'Cause we can't see to drive at night.

      Restroom confusion keeps us out of church on Sunday
      And we really do hate that.
      There's nothing wrong with the restrooms,
      We just can't remember where they're at.

      We don't need to plan next week,
      Just make sure we can drive.
      And not forget where the hospitals and clinics are.
      We'll need them to survive.

      So, don't build your castles too high, my friend,
      While strolling through the clover.
      This is a typical week in retirement
      And on Monday we start all over!

      George Wesson


      Exceptional musical ability is not reserved for a gifted few. It is a
      skill you can learn. All you need is a straightforward, no nonsense

      The latest, state of the art, electronic instruments offer fabulous
      opportunities to produce outstanding sound. Like many other music
      lovers you have no doubt been thrilled by the sound created on the
      latest CDs or coming over your radio. Much of this music is created
      with electronic wizardry such as electronic keyboards and you can learn
      to play one.



      Toon Chips

      Regular or Extra Crispy?
      <a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny661.html">Here!</a>

      <a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny662.html">Here!</a>

      I Can Now Relate http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny663.html
      <a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny663.html">Here!</a>

      ...For Mechanics http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny664.html
      <a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny664.html">Here!</a>

      Iraqi MisInformation Minister on Hockey
      <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/iraqimin2.shtml ">Iraqi
      MisInformation Minister On Hockey</a>

      God's Sky


      Lazy Chips

      A visitor from Buffalo was strolling along the
      California surf one morning.

      During his walk he came upon a fellow, fishing pole
      clutched in his hands, sound asleep against the
      side of a huge coastal rock.

      Just then the pole began to jerk violently.
      "Hey, there!" cried the visitor as he roused the

      "Look out there! You have a bite."

      "So I do," yawned the drowsy one glancing out at the water.

      "If you don't mind, will you pull in the line for me?" T

      he visitor, somewhat surprised, did as he was requested.

      "Now, mister," continued the fisherman, "put some fresh
      bait on the hook and cast the line out for me."

      Again the visitor complied. After doing so he turned to
      the lazy angler.

      "You know," he declared, "anyone as lazy as you ought
      to get married and have a son to do these things for him."

      "That's a good idea," beamed the fisherman. "Know where
      I could find a pregnant woman?"



      It's more than just a New Year... it's also about a new body and a new
      YOU! Just wait until you drop 10, 20, 50, maybe even 75 pounds or more -
      quickly and naturally! Start out by losing up to 10 pounds in 7 days
      when you sign up for TrimLife's Ephedrine-Free Advanced Weight-Loss

      Take some time out for yourself and enjoy a few movies on us, too! For a
      limited time, you'll also receive $20 in FREE movies good at any movie
      theater or good for movie & DVD rentals from any store.


      Don't wait any longer! Give us 7 days to give you a trimmer, healthier,
      better looking body - guaranteed!

      Simply click the link below to receive our amazing, no-hunger,
      fat-burning, weight-loss product, and lose up to 10 lbs. in only 7 days
      - just in time for an upcoming wedding, date, winter vacation, anything!

      With our scientifically developed fat-burning system by your side, you
      will: . Stimulate your body's natural fat-burning ability . Jump start
      your metabolism . Feel full and satisfied . Boost your energy level .
      Lose pounds and inches like never before . Eliminate excess fat pockets,
      and . Reduce cholesterol levels

      Why wait another day? Click, or copy and paste the link below into your
      web browser to receive your One Week Weight-Loss Supply and $20 in FREE
      movies, while supplies last!



      Parting Chips

      Rabbi who's been leading a congregation for many years is upset by the
      fact that he's never been able to eat pork. So he devises a plan
      whereby he flies to a remote tropical island and checks into a hotel.

      He immediately gets himself a table at the finest restaurant and orders
      the most expensive pork dish on the menu. As he's eagerly waiting for
      it to be served, he hears his name called from across the restaurant.

      He looks up to see 10 of his loyal congregants approaching.
      His luck, they'd chosen the same time to visit the same remote location!

      Just at that moment, the waiter comes out with a huge silver tray
      carrying a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth. The Rabbi looks
      up sheepishly at his congregants and says, "Wow - you order an apple in
      this place and look how it's served!"



      Become more attractive to the opposite sex. Become the focus
      of romance and sexual interest. Wear sexual attractants disguised as
      fragrances or enhance your cologne or perfume with pheromones (natural
      sexual attractants). Single men and women report meeting more singles of
      the opposite sex. Married men and women report marital bliss enhanced
      with these rare products. Click here now:



      Bonus Chip

      While attending the U.S. Army's Airborne School...

      The day before our first jump, the instructors (known as 'SGT
      Airbornes', students are called 'Airborne') demonstrated all the
      possible malfunctions one might encounter.

      After watching a total malfunction, i.e. the parachute fails to deploy,
      one of the students asked "SGT Airborne, if we have a complete
      malfunction, how much time do we have to deploy our reserve parachutes?"

      "Airborne, you have the REST of your life to deploy that reserve!"


      Dear Friend,
      Serenity is the First All Natural Anti Depressant that is As Effective
      As Prescription Anti Depressants yet has NO side effects.

      Click here: http://c.qckjmp.com/az/ch.php?f=330&i=1691

      Serenity can & will help you or someone you know who suffers from:

      Bipolar Disorder
      Mood Swings
      Migraine Headaches

      Serenity truly has the ability to solve the chemical imbalances that
      cause the above unfortunate problems.

      Click Here: http://c.qckjmp.com/az/ch.php?f=330&i=1691

      We are so confident Serenity will work for you that we have a Money Back
      Guarantee on the product. We truly want our customers to have a no-lose
      situation in trying Serenity.

      Click On the Link Below To Change Your Life for the Better NOW:


      These are real testimonials - we receive these sincere letters every
      single day and are proud that Serenity helps people in incredible life

      Dear Folks:
      I'm just finishing up my first bottle of Serenity and I just wanted to
      let you know how absolutely thrilled I am with this product. I'm 53 and
      I've suffered from chronic depression for nearly 30 years and your
      product has brought me the kind of relief I've been seeking, but could
      never find until Serenity came along. I was truly amazed at how quickly
      it started working --- and how consistent its therapeutic effect on my
      depression has been. This is a wonderful, wonderful product and I hope
      that other people like me will put their skepticism aside and try
      Serenity. I don't ever plan to be without it! Thank you for introducing
      me to this miracle! Sincerely, Dorian Avenel, NJ

      Click Here: http://c.qckjmp.com/az/ch.php?f=330&i=1691


      Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean


      Remember 9/11/01

      Regarding any problems unsubscribing from this opt-in mailing list

      In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:

      William Brabant
      711 Pine Street Apt.1
      Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
    • William Brabant
      My Name is Buffalo and I have the watch Buffy and I had to make a quick run over to the hospital today to drop off a urine sample before the appointment with
      Message 286 of 286 , Aug 19, 2013
        My Name is Buffalo and I have the watch

        Buffy and I had to make a quick run over to the
        hospital today to drop off a urine sample before
        the appointment with the Kidney doctor tomorrow.
        We drove up the cross street to our Main St.,
        Ashmun Blvd. It seems like whatever time you
        hit the main drag during the day the street is packed
        and all traffic is out of town which never ceases to
        amaze everyone as they wait for the traffic to clear.
        Finally after about five minutes the traffic cleared
        for a second and Buffy made her left hand turn at
        the moment someone else was making a right from
        Burger King into our lane. I warned buffy and at the
        same time gave a wave and smile to the Mennonite
        gentleman driving the car and he waved back. Buffy
        of course growled about the Amish dude that almost
        hit her. I corrected her on the basis of the blue shirt
        and the fact he was driving and told her to be careful
        because he might be part of the Amish Mafia and shoot
        her horse or steal the wheels from her carriage. Buffy
        didn't have a clue to what I was talking about as she
        isn't a Discovery Channel fan

        I would like to say this about the new show. I have
        always been an admirer of the Amish for their simple
        life style and accomplishments by working as a community.
        The last thing they needed was a view of church sponsored
        extortion in their communities. The series should be stopped
        because they are worse than a bunch of cow tipping
        college kids running amok.

        Enjoy the chips... buffalo


        Future Chips

        A Glimpse Into The Future....
        (Original author unknown)

        Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Express . May I have your
        national ID number?"

        Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."

        Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"

        Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on.... lemme get my glasses
        so I can read this card....eh......Okay.....it's 6102049998-45-54610."

        Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan! I see you live at 1742 Meadowland
        Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at
        Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302, and your cell number's 266-2566. Which
        number are you calling from, sir?"

        Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information

        Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."

        Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat
        Special pizzas."

        Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

        Customer: "Whaddya mean? Whaddya talking about?"

        Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high
        blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care
        provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

        Customer: "Oh man...geez! What do you recommend, then?"

        Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like
        it. It's pretty tasty."

        Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that? I mean,
        c'mon....soybean pizza?"

        Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your
        local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."

        Customer: (muttering under his breath) "All right, all right. Give me
        two family-sized soybean pizzas, then."

        Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids,
        sir. Your total is $49.99."

        Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."

        Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash.
        Your credit card balance is over its limit."

        Customer: "Well, I'll just run over to the ATM and get some cash before
        your driver gets here."

        Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's

        Customer: "Never mind. Never mind. Just... send the pizzas. I'll have
        the cash ready. How long will it take?"

        Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45
        minutes. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're
        out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a
        little awkward."

        Customer: "How in the world do you know I'm riding a bike?"

        Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your
        car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up.

        Customer: "Yeah, well, the bike's not bad..."

        Operator: "I'd advise watching your speed though, sir. You've already
        got a July 2007 conviction for speeding."

        Customer: (Speechless)

        Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

        Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke."

        Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us
        from offering free soda to diabetics."

        Customer: "You know what? Never mind - I've changed my mind. I don't
        think I want ANYTHING from you guys."

        Operator: "Have a nice day then, sir. Oh and before I go, I just want to
        remind you that it's time for your daughter's medication about right
        now. And sir? Thank you again for calling Pizza Express."


        Taco Bell Chips

        The $5.37 Order At Taco Bell

        OR CRY

        $5.37!That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.

        I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something
        that used to be a Jolly Rancher.Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I
        started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with
        the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.He said,
        "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

        I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change
        hitting the counter in front of me."Only$4.68"he said cheerfully.

        I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?A mere child!Senior

        I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with
        Elmo.Was he blind?As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.Old? Me?

        I'll show him, I thought.I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode
        to the counter,and there he was waiting with a smile.

        Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of
        me,like I could be that easily distracted!What am I now?A toddler?

        "Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"I stared with utter
        disdain at the keys.I began to rationalize in my mind!

        "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!It could happen to anyone!"

        I turned and headed back to the truck.I slipped the key into the ignition,
        but it wouldn't turn.What now?I checked my keys and tried another.Still

        That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.I
        had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

        Then, a few other objects came into focus:The car seat in the back
        seat.Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.A partially eaten dough
        nut on the dashboard.

        Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

        Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,relieved to finally be
        leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.That is when I felt it, deep in the
        bowels of my stomach: hunger!My stomach growled and churned, and I reached
        to grab my burrito,only it was nowhere to be found.

        I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,and strode back into the
        restaurant one final time.There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail
        polish.All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

        All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?At this point I
        was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,and then go
        straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

        Elmo had no clue.I walked back out to the truck,and suddenly a young lad
        came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.He was holding up a drink
        and a bag.His mother explained,"I think you left this in my truck by

        I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

        She offered these kind words:"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this
        all the time."

        All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph
        zone.Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.And no, I told the
        officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

        As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.I handed
        her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.I promptly sat in my
        rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

        The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.

        Jim Tenn


        Muff Chips

        Winters are fierce in Northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he
        was doing a good deed when he bought a pair of earmuffs for his foreman. One
        cold, blustery day, he noticed that the foreman wasn't wearing them. In
        fact, he couldn't recall a time he'd ever seen the man wear the earmuffs.
        Walking up to his foreman, he asked, "Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave

        "Oh, they were a thing of beauty and kept my ears nice and toasty warm!"

        "Then why aren't you wearing them?"

        "Well, I did wear them that first cold day, but then, someone offered me a
        drink and I didn't hear him!"


        Random Chips

        A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a
        wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The
        farmer said, "That's once."
        A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The
        farmer said, "That's twice."
        After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The
        farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a
        shotgun and shot the horse.
        His brand new bride raised all kind of hell with him, telling
        him, "That was an awful thing to do."
        The farmer said, "That's once."
        It was a particularly horrific crime and the judge could not
        refrain from saying so to the defendant. As the defendant was brought
        before him for arraignment, the judge said, "You are charged with
        throwing your mother-in-law out of your fourth-story window."
        The defendant responded, "I did it without thinking, your
        The judge scolded, "That's no excuse! Don't you see how
        dangerous it might have been! What if someone was passing underneath at
        the time?"
        A father finds his four year old daughter outside
        brushing their dog's teeth using his toothbrush. Dad asks, "What are
        you doing with my toothbrush?"
        The daughter replies, "I'm brushing his teeth. But don't worry
        dad, I'll rinse it out when I'm done -- just like I always do."


        Please forgive our lack of a fancy template at the moment and
        enjoy these pages from our friends.


        Poems Of The Week

        Soaring With Eagles Via Robert

        Your Home Appliances May be Spying on You | Fox Business


        ARMSLIST - Gun Classifieds Via Dianne

        Scott Weaver Toothpick Art!

        Auto MotorPlex!

        Scientists Unveil New Species!



        Top 19 Rejected International Sports Team Names:

        19. Brussels Sprouts
        18. Cannes Openers
        17. Amsterdam Yankees
        16. Vienna Sausages
        15. Belgium Waffles
        14. Manila Folders
        13. Czech Bouncers
        12. New Delhi Catessans
        11. Buenos Airheads
        10. Guadalajara Krishnas
        9. Iraqi Raccoons
        8. Bolivia DeHavillands
        7. Seoul Brothers
        6. Taipei Personalities
        5. Syria Killers
        4. Hungary Jacks
        3. Dublin Mint Twins
        2. Prague Tologists
        1. Peking Toms


        Dog Chips

        DOG SENSE

        The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his
        tail instead of his tongue. -Anonymous

        Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence
        that you are wonderful. -Ann Landers

        If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to
        go where they went. -Will Rogers

        There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking
        your face. -Ben Williams

        A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than
        he loves himself. -Josh Billings

        The average dog is a nicer person than the average person
        -Andy Rooney

        We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and
        love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all.
        It's the best deal man has ever made. -M. Acklam

        Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who
        are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
        -Sigmund Freud

        I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
        cult. -Rita Rudner

        A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn
        around three times before lying down. -Robert Benchley

        Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current
        events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of
        late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are
        often continued in the next yard. -Dave Barry

        Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed
        a dog. -Franklin P. Jones

        If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
        known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. -James Thurber

        If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. -Unknown

        My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to
        $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. -Joe

        Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here
        we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing
        haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're
        the greatest hunters on earth! -Anne Tyler

        Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs
        should relax and get used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein

        Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. -Dave Miliman

        If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he
        will not bite you; that is the principal difference between
        a dog and a man. -Mark Twain

        You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will
        give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never
        would've thought of that!' -Dave Barry

        Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. -Roger Caras

        If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog
        biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of
        them. -Phil Pastoret

        My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog already thinks I am.


        Short Chips

        At my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking
        through a photo album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma, so many of
        these styles have come back over the years," I commented.
        Grandma never hesitated. "That's why I've kept Grandpa all this
        time," she said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these
        No one is more cautious than a first-time parent.
        After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I
        bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet.
        The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-checked
        all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway,
        carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar,
        accidentally kicked her right in the chin.



        Parting Chips

        SEATTLE, Washington (Reuters) -- A black bear was found passed out at a
        campground in Washington state recently after guzzling down three dozen
        cans of a local beer, a campground worker said on Wednesday.

        "We noticed a bear sleeping on the common lawn and wondered what was
        going on until we discovered that there were a lot of beer cans lying
        around," said Lisa Broxson, a worker at the Baker Lake Resort, 80 miles
        (129 km) northeast of Seattle.

        The hard-drinking bear, estimated to be about two years old, broke into
        campers' coolers and, using his claws and teeth to open the cans,
        swilled down the suds.

        It turns out the bear was a bit of a beer sophisticate. He tried a
        mass-market Busch beer, but switched to Rainier Beer, a local ale, and
        stuck with it for his drinking binge.

        Wildlife agents chased the bear away, but it returned the next day, said

        They set a trap using as bait some doughnuts, honey and two cans of
        Rainier Beer. It worked, and the bear was captured for relocation.


        Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean


        Remember 9/11/01

        Regarding any problems unsubscribing from this opt-in mailing list

        In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:

        William Brabant
        711 Pine Street Apt.1
        Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
      Your message has been successfully submitted and would be delivered to recipients shortly.