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[buffalos-g-jokes] Chips For fri

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  • William Brabant
    Jokelist Chips ... ************Join DayTips Free Daily Mailing Lists*************                  We offer Poem-a-Day, Day in History, Health
    Message 1 of 3 , Apr 1, 1999
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      Jokelist Chips
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      Saving Chips
      -----------------------------------------------
      Young Howard came home in great excitement, saying, "Father! Father! On
      returning from school, I ran home behind the bus all the way and saved
      the fifty-cent fare." The father replied by slapping the son on the
      cheek as he shouted, "Spendthrift! Why didn't you run behind a cab and
      save $5.00?" ----------------------------------------------- Finger
      Chips
      -----------------------------------------------
      Mitchell's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz
      saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He manages to
      drive himself the nearest hospital's emergency room. The doctor says,
      "Oh my God! Reattachment surgery on so many lost digits has never been
      attempted before! But don't worry, I'm the best surgeon in the hospital,
      give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do." Mitchell says, "I
      haven't got the fingers." The doctor says, "What do you mean, you
      haven't got the fingers? We've got microsurgery and all kinds of
      incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like
      new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?" Mitchell says, "Well, now, Doc,
      I couldn't exactly pick the things up!"
      ----------------------------------------------- Accent Chips
      -----------------------------------------------
      About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her
      four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from
      Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up. "They
      think we have an accent," she replied. "But they have an accent,
      right?", Brent asked. "They talk funny?"
      "Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we
      sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out." His
      eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear
      funny too?" ----------------------------------------------- Scouting
      Chips ( From Jude) -----------------------------------------------
      Dear Mom,
      Our scout master told us all write to our parents in case you saw the
      flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping
      bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were
      all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please
      call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the
      cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We
      never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the
      lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone
      without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the
      fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on
      a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but
      one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look
      weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if
      Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the
      wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a
      car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably
      why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't
      care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on
      the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take
      turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and
      talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good
      driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him
      drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever
      see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were
      diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb
      wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink
      because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was
      great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the
      flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't
      even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time
      working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess
      what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in
      the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also
      Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food
      poisoning from the leftover chicken, he said they got sick that way with
      the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and become our
      scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better
      while he was doing his time. I have to go now. We are going into town to
      mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are
      fine. Love, Cole
      ooo--------------------------------------------
      Please send our jokes out to your friends or use them any way you see
      fit ............ All of our jokes are collected from various sites on
      the net and are believed to be public domain .. If you hold copyright on
      any of these jokes please inform us so we may give you proper credit. We
      gratefully accept submissions and will print them with your name . You
      may also send your homepages and Favorite Links and we will use them
      also
      -----------------------------------------------
      SUBSCRIBE /UNSUBSCRIBE INFO
      -----------------------------------------------
      Adult Chips ....... To subscribe, send a message to:
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      buffalos-adult-jokes-unsubscribe@egroups.com  G..Chips : To subscribe,
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    • B.Brabant
      Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Its a little after midnight and the explosions have
      Message 2 of 3 , Jul 4, 2002
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        Clean Clean


        Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
        name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

        Its a little after midnight and the explosions have finally cooled down
        a little bit as has the weather. From the high 90's two days ago to
        barely 50 degrees right now and a high of 72 tomorrow. No wonder
        my sinuses go nuts. I decided with the chill to watch the show from
        the back porch tonight. Even at a mile from the waterfront the reports
        sounded like right outside the door and the cats didn't care for it at all
        and were hiding under the beds. Excellent shows for a town this size
        but I still prefer those in California.
        The best fireworks show I ever saw was at Ocean Beach Pier. The
        show was choreographed to music simulcast by KGB-FM . We
        were parked on the hill overlooking the beach , car stereo cranked
        up. great seats and far enough back not to catch the fallout. The
        ones at the the stadium, whatever they are calling it now were great
        too and we used to sit in our house over in Kensington and watch
        those.
        I hope you have tomorrow off but as for me it is back to work
        with lots of work to do before Monday morning.July is shutdown
        month for our customers and we are adding more machinery to
        keep up with their orders. Enjoy the chips... buffalo.


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        Ponderable Chips from Phyllis
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        I found this and thought you might get a kick out of it. I love your
        Buffalo Chips.
        Phyllis from North Dakota
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Points To Ponder
        ~ Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you've been in it for a
        while... it isn't so hot.
        ~ I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end
        and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.
        ~ If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't
        tell who the sucker is----> it's you.
        ~ Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
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        ~ I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly
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        ~ According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice
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        about men is they're a bunch of liars.
        ~ Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
        ~ All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
        to criticism.
        ~ Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
        substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
        ~ In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
        weird and people take prozac to make it normal.
        ~ Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come
        to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
        ~ There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly
        what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear
        and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There
        is another theory which states that this has already happened.
        ~ How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
        whole box to start a barbecue?
        ~ Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an
        appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."
        ~ You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally,
        but they hang around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15
        years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a
        video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge
        of immigration.



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        Toon Chips
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        Flying Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden
        flight with out pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area
        automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out
        automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats.

        The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied
        toward the runway.

        "Good afternoon, ladies and gentleman," a voice intoned as the airplane
        lifted off. "Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized
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        and relax. Nothing can go wrong... nothing can go wrong... nothing can go
        wrong..."


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        Gina Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        A nursing assistant, floor nurse, and charge nurse from a small nursing
        home were taking a lunch break in the break room.
        In walks a lady dressed in silk scarfs and wearing large polished stoned
        jewlery.
        "I am 'Gina the Great'," stated the lady. "I am so pleased with the way you
        have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!"
        With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with
        flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to
        grant wishes before any of the nurses could
        think otherwise.
        The nurses quickly aurgued among themselves as to which one would ask for
        the first wish. Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first.
        "I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men
        feeding me fruit and tending to my every need." With a puff of smoke, the
        nursing assistant was gone.
        The floor nurse went next."I wish I were rich and retired and spending my
        days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well groomed men feeding me
        cocoa and doughnuts." With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.
        "Now, what is the last wish?" asked the lady.
        The charge nurse said," I want those two back on the floor at the end of
        the lunch break."


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        Tuner Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        It seems that every time our piano tuner John comes to our house, he
        scolds me for waiting too long between tunings. I agree with him
        that it should be done every six months, but I don't really think
        about it until the piano sounds off-key. Last time he came over, I
        was on the defensive.

        "If you would send out a postcard reminder like the dentist," I
        declared, "I would make sure to call you for an appointment in a
        timely fashion."

        Without hesitating, he replied, "From now on, when the dentist sends
        you a postcard, call me."


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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Hiker Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        A farmer in a beat up old truck was driving to
        town when he spotted a hiker carrying a heavy
        backpack and a big suitcase. Being a caring
        man, the farmer pulled over and asked the
        young man if he wanted a ride.

        Even though the truck looked like it was about
        to fall apart, the young man put his suitcase
        in the back and climbed aboard. But the farmer
        was confused when he noticed the man still
        wearing the backpack.

        "Why don't you take a load off, and put that
        pack in the back with your suitcase?" asked
        the farmer.

        The hiker responded, "That's very kind of you
        sir, but I wasn't sure if the truck could carry
        the extra weight. So I thought I'd carry it
        myself."



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Mirror Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Mirror, mirror on the wall,
        Do you have to tell it all?

        Where do you get the glaring right
        To make my clothes look just too tight?

        I think I'm fine but I can see
        you won't co-operate with me;

        The way you let the shadows play,
        You'd think my hair was getting grey

        What's that, you say? A double chin?
        No, that's the way the light comes in;

        If you persist in peering so,
        You'll confiscate my facial glow,

        And then if you're not hanging straight,
        You'll tell me next I'm gaining weight;

        I'm really quite upset with you,
        For giving this distorted view;

        I hate you being smug and wise...
        O, look what's happened to my thighs!

        I warn you now, O mirrored wall,
        Since we're not on speaking terms at all,

        If I look like this in my new jeans,
        You'll find yourself in smithereens!!

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        YOU'RE BEING WATCHED!!!
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        Every website you've visited is added to your drop
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        be tracked from anywhere.
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        Heaven Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Three people were trying to get into heaven. Peter asked the first,
        "Who's there?" "It's me, Albert Jones," the voice replied. St. Peter
        let him in.

        Then St. Peter asked the second one the second same question,
        "Who's there?" "It's me, Charlie Jones." And St. Peter let him in.

        Finally he turns to the third, asking the same question, "Who's
        there?" "It is I, Verla Chapman," answered the third. "Oh, great,"
        muttered St. Peter. "Another one of those English teachers."


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        Parting Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        There was this guy who worked with a help desk for a big Computer
        company.

        One day, this lady called in because she didn't know why her computer
        wouldn't come on. He then asked her, "Did you plug it in?"

        She says, "Yes."

        He then asked her, "Did you turn in on?"

        She said, "Yes. What do you think I am? Some kind of Idiot?"

        So, he goes and takes a look at her computer.

        She goes, "See? I plugged the computer into the surge protector."

        The guy goes, "Yea, but you plugged the surge protector into itself."



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        Bonus Chip
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        The teacher asked Johnnie, "Johnnie if I gave
        you two rabbits and then two more rabbits and
        then two more rabbits, how many would you
        have?"

        Johnnie replied, "Seven rabbits, Teacher."

        The teacher asked again, "Listen Johnnie, If I
        gave you two rabbits, plus two more rabbits,
        plus two more rabbits... How many rabbits
        would you have altogether?"

        Johnnie smiled, "That's easy, Teacher,
        I would have seven."

        "Ok Johnnie," the teacher said. "Let's try it a
        different way. If I gave you two cans of pop, plus
        two more cans of pop, plus two more cans of
        pop. How many cans of pop would you have?"

        "Six cans." Johnnie said.

        "OK," said the teacher. "Now think of that with
        this question. "If I gave you two rabbits, then
        two more rabbits, then two more rabbits how
        many would you have?"

        "Seven, Teacher." Johnnie said.

        "Why seven?" the teacher asked, exasperated.

        Johnnie replied, "Because I already have one
        rabbit at home!"


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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        From The Buffalos Mail Box

        Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
        ( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors stood
        around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )

        The below article appeared in a California newspaper:

        A young Marine restores my faith.

        It was our normal Thursday morning business meeting at our real-estate
        office. No big deal. Before the meeting we hung around the bagel table, as
        usual, with our coffee. He stood aside, looking a little shy and awkward and
        very young, a new face in a room full of extroverted salespeople. An average
        looking guy, maybe 5 feet 8 inches. A clean-cut, sweet-faced kid. I went
        over to chat with him. Maybe he was a new salesman?

        He said he was just back from Kabul, Afghanistan. A Marine. Our office (and
        a local school) had been supportive by sending letters to him and other
        troops, which he had posted on the American Embassy door in Kabul. He stood
        guard there for four months and was shot at daily.

        He had come to our office to thank us for our support, for all the letters
        during those scary times. I couldn't believe my ears. He wanted to thank us?
        We should be thanking him. But how? How can I ever show him my appreciation?

        At the end of the sales meeting, he stepped quietly forward, no incredible
        hulk. As a matter of fact, he looked for all the world 15 years old to me.
        (The older I get, the younger they look.)

        This young Marine, this clean-faced boy, had no qualms stepping up to the
        plate and dodging bullets so that I might enjoy the freedom to live my
        peaceful life in the land of the free. No matter the risk. Suddenly the most
        stressful concerns of my life seemed as nothing, my complacency flew right
        out the window with his every word. Somewhere, somehow, he had taken the
        words honor, courage and commitment into his very soul and laid his life on
        the line daily for me and us. A man of principle. He wants to do it.
        Relishes it. And he came to thank us? For a few letters? I fought back the
        tears as he spoke so briefly and softly.

        He walked forward to our manager and placed a properly folded American flag
        in his hands. It had flown over the Embassy. He said thanks again. You could
        hear a pin drop. As I looked around I saw red faces everywhere fighting back
        the tears.

        In a heartbeat, my disillusionment with young people today quickly vanished.
        In ordinary homes, in ordinary towns, kids like him are growing up proud to
        be an American and willing to die for it. Wow.

        We'll frame the flag and put it in the lobby. He only came to my office
        once, for just a few minutes. But I realize I rubbed shoulders with
        greatness in the flesh and in the twinkling of an eye my life is forever
        changed. His name is Michael Mendez, a corporal in the USMC. We are a great
        nation. We know because the makings of it walked into my office that day.

        Ann Baker
        Huntington Beach, Calif.
        Orange County Register, June 30, 2002
        http://ocregister.com/commentary/letarc/letters63002.shtml

        Ann

        ~~~~~

        Subject: Thanks To Our Military



        For our friends, family, and fellow Americans we don't even know who
        are in uniform.......

        If you are so inclined, visit the Department of Defense web page below
        and sign a brief message thanking the men and women of the U.S. military
        services for defending our freedom.

        The compiled list of names will be sent out to our soldiers at the end
        of the month.

        So far, there are only about 210,000 names. A shame.

        http://www.defendamerica.mil/nmam.html

        Big Roger

        ~~~~

        Dear Buffalo:

        I have a web page dedicated to Activated Reservist, Noble Eagle
        Personnel, and sort of the military in general. I just loved the quotes
        about Marines.

        They were submitted by Donald, right? Please thank him for me. May I
        copy them to my web page? Also, do you have any quotes about the other
        services? Or could you direct me as to where to find them?

        Thanks.

        By the way, I love your jokes and the Scuttlebutt. The unsigned note
        about the Vietnam training was awe-inspiring.

        Cheers,
        Deirdre M. Dye
        http://www.geocities.com/deirdremdye/index.html
        (Tribute to Activated Reservist & Noble Eagle Personnel; absolutely
        non-commercial)

        Buffalo Says most of what we use here is in the public domain and
        you are free to use as you wish. I don't keep a file of quotes or such
        but I am sure there will be more of the same in the future here.


        ~~~~~~~

        ~~~~~

        Remember Me?..... by the American Flag, copyright 1776

        Hello, Remember me? Some people call me Old Glory, others call
        me the Star-Spangled Banner, but whatever they call me, I am your
        flag, the flag of the United States of America.

        Something has been bothering me, so I thought I might talk it over
        with you, because it is about you and me.

        I can remember some time ago, when people would line up on both
        sides of the street to watch the parade, and naturally I was leading
        every one, proudly waving in the breeze.

        When your daddy saw me coming, he immediately removed his hat
        and placed it against his left shoulder so that his hand was directly
        over his heart -- remember?

        And you were standing there, straight as a soldier. You didn't have
        a hat, but you were giving the right salute with your right hand placed
        over your heart.

        What happened?

        I'm still the same old flag.

        Oh, I've added a few more stars since you were a boy, and lot more
        blood has been shed since those parades of long ago. But now, I
        don't feel as proud as I used to feel.

        When I come down the street, you stand there with you hands in
        your pockets. You may give me a small glance, but the children
        don't seem to know who I am. I saw a man take his hat off, then he
        looked around, didn't see anyone else do it, so he quickly put his
        back on.

        Is it a sin to be patriotic today???

        Have you forgotten what I stand for?

        Where I've been?

        Guadalcanal! Korea! Vietnam! Look at the memorials and see the
        names of those Americans who gave their lives to keep us free.

        When you salute me you're saluting them!

        Well, it won't be long till I'll come down the street again, so when
        you see me place your hand over your heart ... and I'll salute you
        by waving back!

        Glen Vogel
        ~~~~~~


        Linda G. writes:

        As far as US mail, it sucks......4 to 5 days for a letter to NJ...Give me a
        break !!!!!!!!
        Faithful UPS user...
        Linda G

        I'm sure if UPS was in the letter delivery service it would be a lot more
        than 37 cents!!
        If the time it takes to get there is critical, use U.S. Mail overnight and
        pay for it!

        ~~~~~~

        This is from my friend Green Eyes...It is a listing of some of the products
        she sells, some of which can be seen at the general store in the north end
        of the thriving hamlet of Mar on Highway 6 North on the way to the tip o'
        the Bruce. You can order by mail, too. I have used several of her homemade
        soaps and they are really excellent...I'll be checking out some of the oils
        when we go visit her again. She works hard and she puts out a wuality
        product...and she has the most adorable accent when she talks.

        http://www.geocities.com/grneyedlady_2000/products.html

        Mojoman

        ~~~~~

        I want to thank you for everything you write. Keep it up no matter what
        anyone say about it. You're the best
        Jean McCoy

        ~~~~~~~

        ok...i live in East Texas...the mosquitos here can be horrible.....but i can
        deal with them if anyone can tell me how to get rid of the pigs across the
        road...lol....the neighbor doesn't believe in lime, and the smell is
        atrocious!!!
        Mitzi

        buffalo says Luau night art Mitzis

        ~~~~~~


        Kerry and Big Al sent me this today and it has to be one of the
        most popular toons this holiday.

        http://gooogooodoll.250free.com/toons/biteme.jpg


        ( if this is true, that it is "one of the most popular toons this
        holiday..." you and its supporters have REALLY missed the message of our
        Constitution and Bill of Rights .....God Bless you, anyway .... FresnoDan )

        Buffalo says, If the mail I have been receiving is any indication public
        opinion is no longer reflected in the constitution. Just an observation,
        even though I am a Christian, I don't try to force my views on any
        subject.

        ~~~~~

        I would like to comment on the letter that ROSE sent with regard to the
        Tax hike on cigarettes.
        I have to agree with her. I've smoked for the better part of my life.
        It has to be at least 35 years. Most of those years were non-filter.
        I've never had a problem with my health from smoking. I guess I am one
        of the lucky ones that have felt no ill effects from smoking. It seems that
        the government picks on the cigarette to add taxes to it to pay for
        something instead of raising taxes on everyone.
        What will they do if it backfires on them and everyone quits smoking,
        how will they pay for whatever it was supposed to cover?
        It is also supposed to deter children from smoking, but they are not
        supposed to be able to purchase cigarettes until the age of 18 or 21, who
        are they targeting?
        All this will do is force the smoker to find alternatives. A great many
        will go to the Internet and find the Companies selling cigarettes from an
        Indian Reservation, who cannot be taxed and purchase from them and actually
        save money. Those without a computer will go to friends that do.
        Rose asked, why aren't they over taxing the Alcohol industry. There are
        probably more people that drink, even occasionally, then people that smoke
        occasionally.
        The government has just about killed the domestic tobacco industry.
        Thousands of people are out of work. Those that could not find alternate
        jobs are on welfare. Most of the tobacco is purchased overseas, many US
        farms are out of business or are trying to grow other products in already a
        saturated market.
        In the politicians quest to not have to raise taxes on the population,
        they have been very shortsighted of the rippling effect it has had.
        So, today when your raising your hand with a Beer can or bottle in it,
        to toast America on this Fourth of July, feel very lucky that the Beer
        didn't cost you 7.00 bucks to enjoy.

        ~~~~~~~

        Bill,

        I was reading your comments about the additional
        cigarette taxes and felt the need to respond. I don't
        know about the other states, but in Pennsylvania, the
        tax is not just on cigarettes, but all tobacco
        products, including chew. My husband has chewed since
        he was about 13 or 14--he is now almost 39. A few
        years ago, he switched to an "off" brand because his
        favorite brand was getting too expensive. Because my
        husband is "thrifty," I'm hoping that this will be the
        final straw for him that makes him decide to just
        quit.

        I realize, as you say, that tobacco is an addiction,
        but people can overcome it if they really want to. In
        the case of the low income individuals that you refer
        to, there are always options in life. I for one would
        rather see them spend that money on some type of
        stop-smoking program, the patch, etc. It would mean
        an initial output of money, but in the end, the
        benefits would far outweigh the expense--they would be
        around longer to help care for their families who
        can't do without them.

        Thanks for a great list, Bill. It's one I definitely
        notice is missing if it doesn't come!

        Angie


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      • B.Brabant
        Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Living in the center of a half dozen Indian Casinos
        Message 3 of 3 , Jul 26, 2002
        • 0 Attachment
          Clean Clean



          Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
          name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

          Living in the center of a half dozen Indian Casinos has done
          little to tempt me. I have been to The one at Bay Mills several
          years ago, won 100 dollars playing the slots and never back.
          It does give everyone an opportunity to enjoy entertainment
          in the form of concerts and special events.Recent concerts have included
          Leonard Skynerd, Nugent, and in the next month
          Frampton and Reo Speedwagon. The one that caught by eye
          a couple of days ago is a logging competition at the Casino in
          St. Ignace just south of here. Although I can't imagine ever
          being able to do log rolling , living in the land of Paul Bunyan
          there are few children that grow up around here that are not
          proficient with a chain saw and an axe. I spent a good part of
          my childhood with brothers and sisters on a cross cut saw
          cutting the massive amounts of wood burned during the winter.
          True , competition chainsaws powered by motorcycle engines
          really don't compare with the old Mac and Homelite saws of
          my youth but the principle is the same and the skill involved
          to fall a tree exactly where you want it works the same no
          matter what the tools. Have you ever got to yell " Timberrr
          while a really big tree falls? You know the answer to the question
          "If a tree falls in the woods and there is noone there, does it
          still makes a noise? Yep a real big one . I'll tell you more when
          the press releases come out but for now enjoy the chips and
          have a great Friday...buffalo


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          Heaven Chips
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          George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a
          glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at
          the
          Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths
          have taken place decades apart.

          The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter
          questions
          him. "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain
          people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you
          prove who you really are?"

          Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a
          blackboard and some chalk?"

          Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard
          and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with
          arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity.

          Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really *are* Einstein!
          Welcome to heaven!"

          The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his
          credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard
          and chalk?"

          Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

          Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly
          stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their
          essences with but a few strokes of the chalk.

          Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!
          Come on in!"

          The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head.
          "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can
          you prove yours?"

          George W. looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

          Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

          rubin
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          Insult Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was,

          I'll say your stupidity.

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          The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as
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          When you get run over by a car it shouldn't be listed under accidents.

          Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.

          I hear that when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone
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          You were born because your mother didn't believe in abortion; now
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          Yours was an unnatural birth; you came from a human being.

          I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

          I would like the pleasure of your company but it only gives me
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          You've never been outspoken; no one has ever been able to.

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          I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would
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          May you live another day or two.

          I admire you because you have the courage it takes to be a liar, a thief
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          Operation Chips
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          Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

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          Name Chips
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          The other day I got into the elevator of my apartment building with two
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          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


          Army Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          George, a career Army officer I once met, was jumpmaster for his unit
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          "How come you could take that rough flight, but you couldn't handle the
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          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          Work Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          New HR Policies

          Dear Employees

          Here is our new policies. Try to follow it.

          Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's
          statement as proof of sickness. If you are able
          to go to the doctor, you are able to come to
          work.

          Surgery: Operations are now banned. As long as
          you are an employee here, you need all your
          organs. You should not consider removing any-
          thing. We hired you intact. To have something
          removed constitutes a breach of employment.

          Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing
          work. There is nothing you can do for dead
          friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort
          should be made to have non-employees attend to
          the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee
          involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
          scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad
          to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
          subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided your
          share of the work is enough to keep the job going
          in your absence.

          Your Own Death: This will be accepted as an
          approved excuse. However, we do require at least
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          train your replacement.

          Rest Room Use: Entirely too much time is being
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          names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10,
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          GPA Chips
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          arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and eased into a
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          ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 25 in the city and 40 on the highway."


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          Parting Chips
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          finish things you've started. It is definitely working for me. I am now
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          on my way toward finding inner peace.

          Because I care for you, I am passing this wisdom on to you. Here are the
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          From The Buffalos Mail Box

          Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
          ( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors stood
          around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )

          In response to the following 'letter':

          "Buffalo,

          We have always enjoyed you presentation.
          And in reading your readers responses, I
          was wondering if anyone out there, you or
          readers, know how to get 'Block Sender' on
          Outlook to work? I keep gettin this 'Junk' &
          Clicking on 'Block Sender' just erases it.
          Two days later the same stuff.
          Appreciate any help.

          John"


          It has been my experience that 'block sender' does not work for the junk.
          They keep changing their email address and that is what is blocked. The
          only one it works for me is for that verdammt 'Snow White and the Seven
          Dwarves' from HaHaHa (the spiral of death virus). That's because it comes
          from sexyfun all the time. 95% of the spam changes email address so often I
          ended up blocking my good mail along with the bad. In fact, I've given up
          and simply delete all the spam/junk/adverts before downloading to my
          computer. That way I'm certain of getting all my 'chips'.

          Keep up the good work, love your e-zines!

          Wolffie

          ~~~~~

          Old Fart,
          I appreciate the reference to a dinner "fit for a King"; let us all enjoy
          the
          harvest!
          God Bless,
          Future King of Ohio

          ~~~~~~~
          My Favorite Car is:
          1. Paid for.
          2. Reasonably clean.
          3. Starts the first time and runs good.
          4. Passes most filling stations.
          5. Behaves better than most children.
          6. Color is anything except purple with stripes or polka dots.

          Sue

          ~~~~~~

          Howdy Bill,
          Don't usually write in to lists, but have to put in my 2 cents on favorite
          old cars.
          My all time favorite was my 1963 Chevy Corvair Monza Coupe. Bought it new
          in '63($2700.00) in Ft. Walton Beach, FL.
          It was white w/blue interior, bucket seats and 4 on the floor. It started
          out as a stock 102 HP, but down the road I added dual exhausts w/glasspacks,
          modified carbs, and when a rod bearing went bad, stroked it a little with a
          110 crank. The final result was about 145 HP, and it would still get over
          30MPG on a trip.
          Also found out by accident that it would take a 90 degree corner at 60 MPH
          without rolling over(never tried that one again!!!).
          When I moved back to PA, the first snowfall proved that it was one of the
          best snow cars around. I went up hills with summer tires that had front
          engine/rear drive cars spinning their knobby snow tires.
          I was deeply saddened by what that Idiot Nader did to the Corvair with his
          book. Apparently he never owned or even drove one. That is one car that I
          wish I still had.
          BTW, your Buffalo Chips are # 1 in my book(The only list I subscribe to
          now). Keep up the good work, and keep the Chips coming.
          Later,
          Jimbo

          ~~~

          Buffalo,

          I have been a subscriber to your list for about 2 years now. I enjoy the
          jokes immensely. However, the scuttlebutt has come to be my favorite part
          of the daily offering. The reader comments are often humorous and always
          thought provoking. Through the scuttlebutt, I have experienced many points
          of view that I would have otherwise never realized. I feel like I have
          learned a lot about various people, places, cultures, religions, rootbeer,
          fire flies, etc..... The list could go on forever. This is the first time
          I have felt the need to add my input to your list.

          In my time in the US Army I had the opportunity to visit a few different
          countries. In all of my experiences I had the opportunity to meet and make
          many different friends. I learned much about each friends culture and way
          of life. Bottom line for myself is that I came away from these experiences
          having had a good time and making a life long friendship. I know some of
          the people I met had different religions and beliefs than myself. But this
          never was a factor for myself in determining that these were good people.

          This is what gets to the heart of the reason I felt the need to write. I
          have seen many of the posts by Shanavas. I admire his beliefs and the way
          he presents himself. He reminds me of the many friends that I had the
          fortune to meet overseas. He gives the impression that if you were to meet
          him on the street he would not care whether you were Muslim, Jewish,
          Christian, or any other religion. His main concern would be whether or not
          you were a good human being. In my opinion he is a good spokesperson for
          the Islamic faith.

          I have never been to the middle east so I don't know if Shanavas is
          representative of the way most Muslims think in that area of the world.
          Because I have never been there and all I know is what the media shows me I
          don't feel I can make educated comments about the people who live there or
          their situation. I wish some other people who post could come to this
          realization. Here is the summation of this long winded post, Shanavas, keep
          killing the uneducated with kindness and respect and hopefully some day they
          will learn something. Just know that there are people here who appreciate,
          accept and understand your point of view.

          Dave

          ~~~~~~

          Hey Shipmate, The last maverick is gone. The man who represented all us
          little guys got "beamed up" last night. The man who was responsible for
          reining in the IRS was expelled from the U.S. Congress. One fact that
          surprised me was that prior to his IRS bill, home seizures were over
          10,000/year, but when the IRS had to prove it's case in court BEFORE a home
          could be siezed, the number dropped to just 57 last year. He claims he was
          a target of the IRS and the Justice Department, but a Federal Jury said he
          was a felon times 10. Either way, I'm gonna miss Jim Traficant, Democrat of
          Ohio, and his fiery one-minute speeches. Remember Jim, don't pick up the
          soap from the shower floor. The article below is another editorial comment
          by Ed Evans, MGySgt, USMC (Ret), called FREEDOM. Enjoy and regards, Uncle
          George of Virginia

          ~~~~~~



          Buff,

          I hate to bother you on this, but hopefully my request will at least make
          you feel wanted and appreciated. My computer crashed this last weekend. I
          got it hooked back up by Tuesday, but I was not able to go back and get
          Saturday, Sunday, and Monday's Chips. I have seen other requests, but it has
          never pertained to me, so I did not pay attention. Will you please tell me
          the site to go and catch up? Maybe you could put it as a base line on your
          email, so the curious won't have to trouble you? Thanks again for all you
          do. You hear it all the time ( I know because I read it all the time ), but
          I love your list, and thanks for all the smiles (maybe even a few tears).
          Buff, keep up the good work. Thanks

          Erik From SC

          Buffalo says

          We got Erik hooked up with themissing lists but if you need to
          read online and can't navigate Yahoogroups, we also
          have the links on our homepage at http://www.buffalosjokes.com
          just cloick on the archive link in the sub blocks...

          ~~~~~


          I saw several comments on smoking, the US and Canada were passing laws as
          fast as the chain smoker will lit the next cigarettes, all smoking are being
          ban in places like work place, restaurant, public area, flights etc...

          But how come the US government are pressuring other countries (ie Asia) to
          open up the Tobacco industries and allowing them to export these
          lung-cancer-causing-health-care-busting product to these countries, where in
          the first place the US government is acknowledging that smoking kills. Isn't
          this oxymoron and plain-bullying?

          Roy Jao Taiwan

          ~~~~~~

          Buffalo -

          Some miscellaneous reflections on Monday's Chips...

          Regarding Internet and email services - am I the only one in the world
          who knows about Juno ? It appears to be the best-kept secret in the
          land. I wouldn't use anything else...and I've tried several, including
          AOL.

          Mama Charlotte - you go, girl ! I have lived my life with the same
          philosophy. I didn't have as much difficulty as you had, and for that,
          I'm grateful. But I have always been able to do what I needed to do to
          work, to serve, to raise my kids to be productive and loving citizens,
          and to do the will of the Almighty. God bless you and all others like
          you !

          The explanation of the dollar bill and what it stands for, and also the
          site with the floral American flag are worth saving... they're both
          really great.

          Ganny


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