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Clean Chips For Mon

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  • b brabant
    Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. First just to clear something up that I haven t
    Message 1 of 286 , Dec 1, 2003
      Clean Clean

      Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
      name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

      First just to clear something up that I haven't mentioned in a few
      years, my first name is Bill, which is what the B in bbrabant stands for
      . I know that Buffalo Bob is a famous character but my buffalo nickname
      came from my resemblance to the animal hence bill the buffalo would be
      more correct than Buffalo Bill.
      I was impressed with the President's trip to Iraq on Thanksgiving. No
      matter what precautions were taken it is pretty bold to fly Air Force
      One into Baghdad Airport after another airliner had an engine shot out
      days before. It is even bolder to tell your wife you are going to the
      7-11 for a Big Gulp and be spotted on national TV 10 hours later in a
      foreign country when you were supposed to be basting the turkey. I know
      I would be grounded big time after that.
      I want to say I was impressed also by the actions of Sen. Clinton and
      Wesley Clark in front of the media. They chose not to belittle the
      President's trip as a photo op and recognized the value of our leaders
      sharing the holidays with the troops. We hosted many politicians onboard
      the Constellation when I was stationed on her and nothing makes a
      soldier or sailor feel more appreciated. It is easy to believe during a
      war that you are just another pawn on the chess board, forgotten till it
      becomes time to sacrifice you for a King or Queen. When you are visited
      by a dignitary and thanked at least for a few days you feel like a
      knight . Be careful out there it's Monday and more than a few people are
      carrying leftover turkey sandwiches.... buffalo


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      Health Club Chips

      Dear Diary...

      For my 65th birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of
      personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still
      in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago,
      I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

      Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
      Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and
      model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my
      enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
      chart my progress.............

      Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but and it was well
      worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
      me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes
      and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo! Belinda gave me a tour and showed
      me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.
      She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to
      standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the
      skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout
      today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
      although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
      was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

      I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
      Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
      air-then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
      treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
      all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

      The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
      counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
      hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
      steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda
      was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
      members Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and
      when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My
      chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
      monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
      activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help
      me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.

      Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
      thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
      a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took
      me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
      in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me
      on the rowing machine - which I sank.

      I hate that Belinda more that any human being has ever hated any other
      human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
      cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
      unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on
      my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
      floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!! @*@ barbells or anything that
      weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist
      school you attended and graduated magna cum laude
      The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
      teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
      or the choir director?

      Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
      voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
      want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
      strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
      hours of the Weather Channel.

      I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
      thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
      wife will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a



      Doctor Chips

      Jill went to see her family doctor about her husband John. "For the
      first twenty years, he was fine Doc, not nervous or jumpy at all. Then
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      the last 5 years, he's been awful jumpy and nervous. He can't sit still
      in the same room with me for even 5 minutes. I don't know what to do for
      him. Can you help?"

      "What your husband needs is a little rest, Jill. Here is a sleeping

      "Oh, Thank you Doctor. A million thanks to you. And when do I give him
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      "Not HIM, Jill, YOU take it."


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      Short Chips

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      Short Chips

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      After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"

      "Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "because my boyfriend goes here."


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      Moses Chips

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      The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl.
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      Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean


      Remember 9/11/01
    • William Brabant
      My Name is Buffalo and I have the watch Buffy and I had to make a quick run over to the hospital today to drop off a urine sample before the appointment with
      Message 286 of 286 , Aug 19, 2013
        My Name is Buffalo and I have the watch

        Buffy and I had to make a quick run over to the
        hospital today to drop off a urine sample before
        the appointment with the Kidney doctor tomorrow.
        We drove up the cross street to our Main St.,
        Ashmun Blvd. It seems like whatever time you
        hit the main drag during the day the street is packed
        and all traffic is out of town which never ceases to
        amaze everyone as they wait for the traffic to clear.
        Finally after about five minutes the traffic cleared
        for a second and Buffy made her left hand turn at
        the moment someone else was making a right from
        Burger King into our lane. I warned buffy and at the
        same time gave a wave and smile to the Mennonite
        gentleman driving the car and he waved back. Buffy
        of course growled about the Amish dude that almost
        hit her. I corrected her on the basis of the blue shirt
        and the fact he was driving and told her to be careful
        because he might be part of the Amish Mafia and shoot
        her horse or steal the wheels from her carriage. Buffy
        didn't have a clue to what I was talking about as she
        isn't a Discovery Channel fan

        I would like to say this about the new show. I have
        always been an admirer of the Amish for their simple
        life style and accomplishments by working as a community.
        The last thing they needed was a view of church sponsored
        extortion in their communities. The series should be stopped
        because they are worse than a bunch of cow tipping
        college kids running amok.

        Enjoy the chips... buffalo


        Future Chips

        A Glimpse Into The Future....
        (Original author unknown)

        Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Express . May I have your
        national ID number?"

        Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."

        Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"

        Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on.... lemme get my glasses
        so I can read this card....eh......Okay.....it's 6102049998-45-54610."

        Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan! I see you live at 1742 Meadowland
        Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at
        Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302, and your cell number's 266-2566. Which
        number are you calling from, sir?"

        Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information

        Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."

        Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat
        Special pizzas."

        Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

        Customer: "Whaddya mean? Whaddya talking about?"

        Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high
        blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care
        provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

        Customer: "Oh man...geez! What do you recommend, then?"

        Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like
        it. It's pretty tasty."

        Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that? I mean,
        c'mon....soybean pizza?"

        Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your
        local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."

        Customer: (muttering under his breath) "All right, all right. Give me
        two family-sized soybean pizzas, then."

        Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids,
        sir. Your total is $49.99."

        Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."

        Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash.
        Your credit card balance is over its limit."

        Customer: "Well, I'll just run over to the ATM and get some cash before
        your driver gets here."

        Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's

        Customer: "Never mind. Never mind. Just... send the pizzas. I'll have
        the cash ready. How long will it take?"

        Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45
        minutes. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're
        out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a
        little awkward."

        Customer: "How in the world do you know I'm riding a bike?"

        Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your
        car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up.

        Customer: "Yeah, well, the bike's not bad..."

        Operator: "I'd advise watching your speed though, sir. You've already
        got a July 2007 conviction for speeding."

        Customer: (Speechless)

        Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

        Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke."

        Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us
        from offering free soda to diabetics."

        Customer: "You know what? Never mind - I've changed my mind. I don't
        think I want ANYTHING from you guys."

        Operator: "Have a nice day then, sir. Oh and before I go, I just want to
        remind you that it's time for your daughter's medication about right
        now. And sir? Thank you again for calling Pizza Express."


        Taco Bell Chips

        The $5.37 Order At Taco Bell

        OR CRY

        $5.37!That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.

        I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something
        that used to be a Jolly Rancher.Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I
        started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with
        the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.He said,
        "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

        I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change
        hitting the counter in front of me."Only$4.68"he said cheerfully.

        I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?A mere child!Senior

        I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with
        Elmo.Was he blind?As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.Old? Me?

        I'll show him, I thought.I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode
        to the counter,and there he was waiting with a smile.

        Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of
        me,like I could be that easily distracted!What am I now?A toddler?

        "Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"I stared with utter
        disdain at the keys.I began to rationalize in my mind!

        "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!It could happen to anyone!"

        I turned and headed back to the truck.I slipped the key into the ignition,
        but it wouldn't turn.What now?I checked my keys and tried another.Still

        That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.I
        had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

        Then, a few other objects came into focus:The car seat in the back
        seat.Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.A partially eaten dough
        nut on the dashboard.

        Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

        Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,relieved to finally be
        leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.That is when I felt it, deep in the
        bowels of my stomach: hunger!My stomach growled and churned, and I reached
        to grab my burrito,only it was nowhere to be found.

        I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,and strode back into the
        restaurant one final time.There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail
        polish.All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

        All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?At this point I
        was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,and then go
        straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

        Elmo had no clue.I walked back out to the truck,and suddenly a young lad
        came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.He was holding up a drink
        and a bag.His mother explained,"I think you left this in my truck by

        I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

        She offered these kind words:"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this
        all the time."

        All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph
        zone.Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.And no, I told the
        officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

        As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.I handed
        her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.I promptly sat in my
        rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

        The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.

        Jim Tenn


        Muff Chips

        Winters are fierce in Northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he
        was doing a good deed when he bought a pair of earmuffs for his foreman. One
        cold, blustery day, he noticed that the foreman wasn't wearing them. In
        fact, he couldn't recall a time he'd ever seen the man wear the earmuffs.
        Walking up to his foreman, he asked, "Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave

        "Oh, they were a thing of beauty and kept my ears nice and toasty warm!"

        "Then why aren't you wearing them?"

        "Well, I did wear them that first cold day, but then, someone offered me a
        drink and I didn't hear him!"


        Random Chips

        A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a
        wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The
        farmer said, "That's once."
        A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The
        farmer said, "That's twice."
        After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The
        farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a
        shotgun and shot the horse.
        His brand new bride raised all kind of hell with him, telling
        him, "That was an awful thing to do."
        The farmer said, "That's once."
        It was a particularly horrific crime and the judge could not
        refrain from saying so to the defendant. As the defendant was brought
        before him for arraignment, the judge said, "You are charged with
        throwing your mother-in-law out of your fourth-story window."
        The defendant responded, "I did it without thinking, your
        The judge scolded, "That's no excuse! Don't you see how
        dangerous it might have been! What if someone was passing underneath at
        the time?"
        A father finds his four year old daughter outside
        brushing their dog's teeth using his toothbrush. Dad asks, "What are
        you doing with my toothbrush?"
        The daughter replies, "I'm brushing his teeth. But don't worry
        dad, I'll rinse it out when I'm done -- just like I always do."


        Please forgive our lack of a fancy template at the moment and
        enjoy these pages from our friends.


        Poems Of The Week

        Soaring With Eagles Via Robert

        Your Home Appliances May be Spying on You | Fox Business


        ARMSLIST - Gun Classifieds Via Dianne

        Scott Weaver Toothpick Art!

        Auto MotorPlex!

        Scientists Unveil New Species!



        Top 19 Rejected International Sports Team Names:

        19. Brussels Sprouts
        18. Cannes Openers
        17. Amsterdam Yankees
        16. Vienna Sausages
        15. Belgium Waffles
        14. Manila Folders
        13. Czech Bouncers
        12. New Delhi Catessans
        11. Buenos Airheads
        10. Guadalajara Krishnas
        9. Iraqi Raccoons
        8. Bolivia DeHavillands
        7. Seoul Brothers
        6. Taipei Personalities
        5. Syria Killers
        4. Hungary Jacks
        3. Dublin Mint Twins
        2. Prague Tologists
        1. Peking Toms


        Dog Chips

        DOG SENSE

        The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his
        tail instead of his tongue. -Anonymous

        Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence
        that you are wonderful. -Ann Landers

        If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to
        go where they went. -Will Rogers

        There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking
        your face. -Ben Williams

        A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than
        he loves himself. -Josh Billings

        The average dog is a nicer person than the average person
        -Andy Rooney

        We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and
        love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all.
        It's the best deal man has ever made. -M. Acklam

        Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who
        are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
        -Sigmund Freud

        I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
        cult. -Rita Rudner

        A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn
        around three times before lying down. -Robert Benchley

        Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current
        events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of
        late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are
        often continued in the next yard. -Dave Barry

        Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed
        a dog. -Franklin P. Jones

        If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
        known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. -James Thurber

        If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. -Unknown

        My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to
        $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. -Joe

        Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here
        we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing
        haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're
        the greatest hunters on earth! -Anne Tyler

        Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs
        should relax and get used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein

        Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. -Dave Miliman

        If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he
        will not bite you; that is the principal difference between
        a dog and a man. -Mark Twain

        You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will
        give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never
        would've thought of that!' -Dave Barry

        Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. -Roger Caras

        If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog
        biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of
        them. -Phil Pastoret

        My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog already thinks I am.


        Short Chips

        At my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking
        through a photo album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma, so many of
        these styles have come back over the years," I commented.
        Grandma never hesitated. "That's why I've kept Grandpa all this
        time," she said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these
        No one is more cautious than a first-time parent.
        After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I
        bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet.
        The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-checked
        all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway,
        carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar,
        accidentally kicked her right in the chin.



        Parting Chips

        SEATTLE, Washington (Reuters) -- A black bear was found passed out at a
        campground in Washington state recently after guzzling down three dozen
        cans of a local beer, a campground worker said on Wednesday.

        "We noticed a bear sleeping on the common lawn and wondered what was
        going on until we discovered that there were a lot of beer cans lying
        around," said Lisa Broxson, a worker at the Baker Lake Resort, 80 miles
        (129 km) northeast of Seattle.

        The hard-drinking bear, estimated to be about two years old, broke into
        campers' coolers and, using his claws and teeth to open the cans,
        swilled down the suds.

        It turns out the bear was a bit of a beer sophisticate. He tried a
        mass-market Busch beer, but switched to Rainier Beer, a local ale, and
        stuck with it for his drinking binge.

        Wildlife agents chased the bear away, but it returned the next day, said

        They set a trap using as bait some doughnuts, honey and two cans of
        Rainier Beer. It worked, and the bear was captured for relocation.


        Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean


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