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  • b brabant
    Lite Clean is our weekend version of the chips and possibly a new list Welcome to Buffalo-Lite, Clean Humor for people on the go.
    Message 1 of 32 , Nov 1, 2003
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      Lite Clean is our weekend version of the chips and possibly a new list


      Welcome to Buffalo-Lite, Clean Humor for
      people on the go.

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      Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
      Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the
      road.

      As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the
      Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, she
      got in the car.

      After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman
      noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?"
      asked the woman.

      Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I
      got it for my husband."

      The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the
      quiet wisdom of an elder woman said, "Good trade."

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      There's a small German town near Munich called Pfilzerplatz, and the
      town is known around the world for producing the finest stationery and
      paper anywhere. You want wine, you go to France; you want big waves to
      surf, you go to southern California; you want good paper, you go to
      Pfilzerplatz.

      Anyway, nearby Munich had a growing problem -- the thousands of stray
      dogs in the city were breeding with one another and were beginning to
      overrun the city. So the higher-ups of Munich organized a new department
      to get rid of the dogs. Soon enough, they had chased all of the dogs out
      of the city. No one knew where they went -- they just went away.

      A couple of days after the dogs disappeared from Munich, they appeared
      in Pfilzerplatz. And because Pfilzerplatz is so much smaller than
      Munich, the town was soon totally overrun with the dogs. So the town's
      mayor decided that the town should be evacuated.

      Everyone left the town, thus shutting down the paper mills. Well, a
      couple of days later, the townsfolk were watching the town from the
      hills, and they saw smoke rising from the smokestacks at the paper
      mills. Knowing that there weren't any humans left in the town, they knew
      it was the dogs running the factories. And so the mayor rushed off to
      Munich, found Munich's mayor and
      announced:

      "You've got to help us! The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"

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      Two friends lived in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada.
      They were sick of winter, so they went to a travel agent
      and booked a trip to Australia.

      When the two friends got off the plane - still dressed
      for Canadian winter weather - they wandered into a pub
      and sat down. The locals wondered about these strangers,
      so one of the Aussies walked over to the visitors and
      said, "G'day, mates. Where're you from?"

      "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," one of the Canadians replied.

      "Ahhhh," said the Aussie, returning to his table.

      "So where are they from?" the other locals asked.

      "Don't know, mate," replied the Aussie. "They don't
      speak English."

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      Remember 9/11
    • b brabant
      Lite Clean is our weekend version of the chips and possibly a new list Welcome to Buffalo-Lite, Clean Humor for people on the go.
      Message 32 of 32 , Jan 24, 2004
      • 0 Attachment
        Lite Clean is our weekend version of the chips and possibly a new list


        Welcome to Buffalo-Lite, Clean Humor for
        people on the go.

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        An unemployed man is desperate to support his family. His wife watches
        TV

        all day and his three teenage kids have dropped out of high school to
        hang around with the local toughs. He applies for a janitor's job at a
        large firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources
        manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.15 an hour.
        Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our
        system will automatically e- mail you all the forms and advise you when
        to start and where to report on your first day"

        Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer
        nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand
        that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist.
        Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a
        high-tech firm. Good day."

        Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his
        wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25
        pound crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a
        busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all
        the tomatoes and makes 100% profit.

        Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with
        almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries
        for his family.

        During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.
        By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into
        the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

        Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes
        of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy
        a broken-down pickup truck.

        At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left
        their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife
        is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the
        community college so she can keep books for him. By the end of the
        second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen
        previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work
        hard. Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of
        ice trucks and a warehouse, which his wife supervises, plus two tomato
        farms that the boys manage.

        The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless
        people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million
        dollars.

        Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.
        Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit
        his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address
        in order to send the final documents electronically.

        When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer
        and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you
        don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would
        be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

        "Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be
        sweeping floors and making $5.15 an hour."

        Which brings us to the moral of the story: Since you got this story by
        e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.


        Sadly, I received it also....

        Lesley

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        WORDS WOMEN USE

        FINE
        This is the word women use to end an argument when
        they feel they are right and you need to shut up.
        Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks -
        this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

        FIVE MINUTES
        This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five
        minutes that your football game is going to last
        before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

        NOTHING
        This means "something," and you should be on your
        toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the
        feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you
        inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing"
        usually signifies an argument that will last "Five
        Minutes" and end with "Fine"

        GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )
        This is a dare. One that will result in a woman
        getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the
        word "Fine"

        GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
        This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I
        don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead"
        in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and
        "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five
        Minutes" when she cools off.

        LOUD SIGH
        This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal
        statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh"
        means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and
        wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
        arguing with you over "Nothing"

        SOFT SIGH
        Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft
        Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to
        not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

        THAT'S OKAY
        This is one of the most dangerous statements that a
        woman can make to a man.
        "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and
        hard before paying you back for whatever it is that
        you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with
        the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised
        Eyebrow."

        GO AHEAD!
        At some point in the near future, you are going to be
        in some mighty big trouble.

        PLEASE DO
        This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is
        giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse
        or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you
        have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so
        be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

        THANKS
        A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're
        welcome.

        THANKS A LOT
        This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will
        say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at
        you. It signifies that you have offended her in
        some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud
        Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the
        "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

        Rich


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        A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing,
        he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody -- it
        was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went
        to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.

        When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do:
        Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the
        beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down
        in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the
        wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest
        on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That
        will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

        A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his
        wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit,
        his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an
        envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as
        a donation in thanks for his advice.

        The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I
        suggested?" he asked.

        "Absolutely," replied the businessman.

        "You went to the beach?"

        "Absolutely."

        "You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

        "Absolutely."

        "You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

        "Absolutely."

        "And what were the first words you saw?"

        "Chapter 11."

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        You May Be A Redneck Pilot If.....

        ~ Your stall warning plays Dixie.
        ~ Your best com radio has 90 channels.
        ~ You fly to family reunions to meet girls.
        ~ Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
        ~ You fuel your airplane from a mason jar.
        ~ You have mud flaps on your wheel pants.
        ~ You use your parachute to cover your plane.
        ~ There are grass stains on your propeller tips.
        ~ You've thought of using moonshine as avgas.
        ~ You've ground looped a Cub after hitting a cow.
        ~ You think "Ultralite" is a new beer from Budweiser.
        ~ You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.
        ~ You think GPS stands for Going Perfectly Straight.
        ~ You have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.
        ~ You think sectional charts should show trailer
        parks.
        ~ You wouldn't be caught dead in a Grumman "Yankee".
        ~ There are parts on your airplane labeled "John
        Deere".
        ~ You've got matching bumper stickers on your vertical
        fin.
        ~ You've got a gun rack hanging on the passenger
        window.
        ~ You siphon gas out of your tractor to put in your
        airplane.
        ~ You think ZULU time means something to do with
        Africa.
        ~ Your instructor's day job was at the community sale
        barn.
        ~ You have fuzzy dice hanging from the magnetic
        compass.
        ~ You refer to flying in formation as "We've got us a
        convoy".
        ~ Your hangar collapses and more than four dogs are
        injured.
        ~ Your airplane has a sticker that says, "I'd rather
        be fishing".
        ~ You've won the "Bob Wire" award at a spot landing
        contest.
        ~ You navigate with your ADF tuned to country music
        stations.
        ~ You use a Purina feed sack for a wind sock.
        ~ The side of your airplane has a sign advertising
        your septic tank service.
        ~ You answer all calls from female controllers
        with "That's a big ten-four little Darlin'."
        ~ You have more than one roll of duct tape holding
        your cowling together.
        ~ You consider anything above 100 feet AGL as "High
        Altitude".
        ~ You have to buzz the strip to chase off all the
        sheep and goats.
        ~ You've never really actually landed at an airport,
        although you've been flying for years.
        ~ You've landed on the main street of your town for a
        cup of coffee.
        ~ Just before impact, you are heard saying "Hey,
        y'all, watch this!"
        ~ The FAA still thinks your mailing address is your
        parent's house.
        ~ You've thought about just taxiing around the airport
        drinking beer.
        ~ Your cross country flight plan uses flea markets as
        check points.
        ~ You have a bale of hay and a hound in the baggage compartment. ~ There
        is a brown-stained styrofoam cup strategically

        stored in the glove box.
        ~ You figure the weight of mud and manure on your
        airplane into the CG calculations.
        ~ Your preflight includes removing all the clover,
        grass and wheat from the landing gear.
        ~ Your matched set of luggage is 3 grocery sacks
        from Piggly Wiggly.
        ~ There's exhaust residue on the right side of your
        aircraft and tobacco stains on the left.
        ~ The tread pattern on your main gear tires doesn't
        match. Or, there is no tread pattern on your main
        gear tires.
        ~ You've never really actually seen a sectional, but
        have all the Texaco road maps for your area
        (but they're 20 years old).





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        Remember 9/11
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