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Clean Chips For Thurs

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  • b brabant
    Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. I was just ready to post yesterday morning when
    Message 1 of 356 , Oct 2, 2003
      Clean Clean

      Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
      name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

      I was just ready to post yesterday morning when disaster struck- both of
      my phone lines went dead. First I went outside and yelled at the crane
      driver loading a dump truck. He admitted that he had " crossed over"
      some telephone wires earlier. I then copied the lists to a floppy and
      drove ten miles out to Nancy's house and told her," Sis, you got the
      watch. Post these."
      As soon as I got to work I dialed the phone company. If you want to
      get around all the button pushing menus when you call SBC Ameritech just
      press number 4. This is the number reserved for "Are you a contractor
      who has damaged telephone lines or our property". You will be answered
      right away by an operator. They took my info and had the line repaired
      before I got off work last night.

      Now a couple of notes from our readers

      Hey Buffalo:

      After reading your rant in today's newsletter about your wife's tardy
      habits, I thought about this joke I had just read. Thought you might
      like to run it.


      "At eight o'clock, I said to my wife, 'Let's go out and have a sail.' At
      a quarter past eight we set out. On the sea the boat capsized. We
      would have been drowned, but a passing dolphin let us get on his back
      and brought us safely to land. You laugh! What's so funny??"

      "That part about your wife being ready at a quarter past eight."

      Giving Credit


      I wrote this story

      Stan Kegel

      Groaner Chips

      We took my sons, ages seven and five, up to Friendship Park for a

      My seven year old read the sign with the playground rules to his

      "Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion."

      "Go down the slide while sitting, only."

      "Only one child on a swing at a time."

      (There were a good twenty rules.)

      The boys promised to obey them if I would let them play without Daddy
      standing by. So, I joined my wife at the picnic table.

      Just before it was time to eat, I went over and watched them play. They
      were obeying the rules, that is, all but one. On the tall semicircular
      slide, they were coming down head first!

      I took them over to the posted regulations. We read them, again. I
      asked the boys what they had to say for themselves.

      "Oh, don't be silly, Dad...no one uses the slide rule anymore!"


      Hopefully today will go more smoothly, enjoy your chips.buffalo


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      Blonde Chips

      A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter
      hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on
      ice fishing. For weeks she read and studied every book, hoping to become
      an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she
      went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and
      packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece
      of equipment had its own special place in her kit. When she got to the
      ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool, and
      carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first
      cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no
      fish under the ice!" Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings,
      moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos,
      and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed,
      "There are no fish under the ice!" Amazed, the blonde wasn't quite sure
      what to do, as this certainly wasn't covered in any of her books. She
      packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she
      stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely
      careful to set everything up perfectly -- tools in the right place,
      chair positioned just so, everything. Just as she was about to cut this
      new hole, the voice came again, "There are no fish under the ice!"
      Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked "Is that you, Lord?" The
      voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the skating rink!"


      Wal-Mart Chips

      15 things to do at Wal Mart while your partner is taking their own sweet
      time 1. Pick up condom packages &randomly put them in peoples carts when
      they aren't looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks in house wares to go
      off at 5 minute intervals. 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor
      to the rest rooms. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an
      official tone, 'Code 3 in house wares,'...and see what happens. 5. Go to
      the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away. 6. Move a
      'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. Set up a tent in the
      camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if
      they bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. When a clerk asks if
      they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave
      me alone? 9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror
      while you pick your nose. 10. While handling guns in the hunting
      department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. 11.
      Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from
      Mission Impossible'. 12. In the auto department practice your Madonna
      look using different size funnels. 13. Hide in the clothing rack and
      when people browse through say 'PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!' 14. When an
      announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and
      scream 'NO! It's those voices again'. 15. Go into a fitting room and
      yell real loud. 'We're out of toilet paper in here!'. Ann



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      Blonde Chips

      A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were on their way to Heaven.

      God told them that the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and that on
      every 5th step He would tell them a joke. He told them not to laugh at
      any of the jokes along the way or else they would not be able to enter

      The brunette went first and started laughing on the 45th step, so she
      could not enter Heaven.

      The redhead went next and started laughing on the 200th step, so she
      could not enter Heaven either.

      Then, it was the blonde's turn. When she got to the 999th step, she
      started laughing.

      "Why are you laughing?" God asked. "I didn't tell a joke."

      "I know," the blonde replied. "I just got the first joke."


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      Computer Chips

      A Somewhat Improved Glossary of Your PC's Messages

      By Kevin Pease

      It says: "Press Any Key"
      It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."

      It says: "Press A Key"
      (This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A"

      It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error
      no. 1A4-2546512430E" It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for
      10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."

      It says: "Installing program to C:\<Directory>...."
      It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and
      c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."

      It says: "Please insert disk 11"
      It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."

      It says: "Not enough memory"
      It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit
      below 640K."

      It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
      It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."

      It says: "Please Wait...."
      It means: "... Indefinitely."

      It says: "Directory does not exist...."
      It means: ".... any more. Whoops."

      It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close." It
      means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your
      work back."


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      Breakfast Conspiracy Chips

      I smell a conspiricy....

      PITTSFORD, Vermont (AP) -- Don't try telling trucker Stewart Devino
      there's no use crying over spilled milk. Devino's tractor-trailer
      hauling 58,000 pounds of milk -- or 7,250 gallons
      -- went off the highway over the weekend, spilling its load on the road.
      Vermont State Police said Devino, 57, was driving a 2000 Mack
      tractor-trailer truck south on Route 7 when he saw a vehicle stopped on
      the shoulder of the road ahead of him. Police said Devino hit his brakes
      and intentionally drove off the right side of the road into a field to
      avoid striking the rear of the other vehicle. The tractor-trailer truck
      then rolled over onto its right side a few feet off the road. Much of
      the milk poured out of the tank, and flooded the field and a dirt
      driveway about 50 feet away. Devino told police he hurt his knee, but
      refused treatment. He was wearing a seat belt.

      AND THEN

      Truck Carrying Lucky Charms Overturns On HighwayLAKE COUNTY, Ohio, 6:38
      a.m. EDT October 1, 2003 - It wasn't a lucky morning for one truck
      driver Wednesday.

      Traffic5000's Linda Dawson reported that A tractor-trailer overturned
      on Interstate 90 westbound at state Route 306 in Lake County. The driver
      suffered a seizure and overturned his truck carrying 26,000 pounds of
      Lucky Charms cereal. The driver is said to be OK. The truck has been
      uprighted, but the mess is still on the roadway. Motorists should expect
      a delay getting through the area. A 1-mile backup is being reported.
      Dawson said to use Johnnycake Ridge as an alternate route. Police are
      investigating the accident.

      The first article was on CNN.COM 10/1/03, the second on Cleveland's
      NEWS5.com the same day.



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      buffalo says They have lots of special effects stuff in the in the
      twenty dollar range but I really want the life size electric chair with
      the screaming guy for 6500. Lot of money but with that on my porch I'll
      never have to buy candy again hehheh .


      Random Chips

      A listener called the disc jockey on the air at our radio station to ask
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      Our national parks have millions of visitors a year, so
      you can imagine that rangers get some rather bizarre
      inquiries and comments. Here's a sampling:
      "Where do you keep the animals at night?"
      "Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building
      trails that go uphill."
      "A deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles.
      Is there a way I can get reimbursed?"
      "The place where trails do not exist are not well marked." "There are
      too many rocks in the mountains."
      I was sitting behind an enthsiastic mom at my son's
      Little League game. Her boy was pitching for the opposing
      team, and she cheered as he threw wild pitch after wild
      pitch. The poor kid walked every batter. It was only
      the first inning, and the score was 14 - 0. Then one batter finally
      smacked the ball. "Oh, no!" the mom wailed. "There goes his no-hitter!"

      ( ) Oooo.
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      From: Ann Lindholm (_ / AKA: Doubloon


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      Gun Control Chips

      a. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.

      b. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.

      c. Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.

      d. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.

      e. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?

      f. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.

      g. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.

      h. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.

      i. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.

      j. The United States Constitution 1791. All Rights Reserved.

      k. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand ?

      l. The Second Amendment is in place in case they ignore the others.

      m. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.

      n. Guns only have two enemies: Rust and Politicians.

      o. Know guns, know peace and safety.
      No guns, no peace nor safety.

      p. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.

      q. 911 - government sponsored Dial a Prayer.

      r. Assault is a behavior, not a device.

      s. Criminals love gun control - it makes their jobs safer.

      t. If Guns cause Crime, then Matches cause Arson.

      u. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control

      v. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.

      w. Enforce the "gun control laws" we have, don't make more.

      x. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.

      y. The American Revolution would never have happened with Gun Control.

      z. Pass it on.



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      Parting Chips

      Facts about Men

      --Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. --Men who
      have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced
      pain and bought jewelry. --Marrying a divorced man is ecologically
      responsible. In a world where
      there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
      --Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he
      watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can
      help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from
      our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the
      phone in case they call him. --Men like phones with lots of buttons; it
      makes them feel important. --Men love to be the first to read the
      newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their
      psyches. --All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under
      my pillow, instead of a gun. --A good place to meet a man is at the dry
      cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. --All men hate to hear
      "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear
      in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf. --Men are sensitive in
      strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn,
      he will take it personally. --Men have an easier time buying bathing
      suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have
      two types: nerdy and not nerdy. --Men have higher body temperatures than
      women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to
      a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. --Women take clothing
      much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party
      and say, "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's
      another man wearing a black tuxedo." --Most men hate to shop. That's why
      the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department
      store, two inches from the door.




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      Bonus Chip

      Our local newspaper ran several stories about a
      study that tied male obesity to a virus.

      One evening my overweight brother came home
      exhausted from a long day at work. "Did you read
      the paper?" he asked.

      "Yes," I answered.

      "Well, I'm not going in to work tomorrow," stated
      my brother. "I'm calling in fat."

      "Nice try, won't fly!"



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      Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean


      Remember 9/11/01
    • William Brabant
      My name is buffalo and i have the watch. With Buffy and i both trying to lose weight I have cut down the amount of fast food meals to three or four a month.
      Message 356 of 356 , Jul 25, 2013
        My name is buffalo and i have the watch.

        With Buffy and i both trying to lose weight I have cut
        down the amount of fast food meals to three or four a
        month. That usually includes pizza once, McDonalds
        and Burger King once, and Taco Bell or Subway the
        other time. We no longer have a KFC as some
        employees were selling drugs out of there and when
        KFC found out they permanently pulled their franchise.
        Although I admire this action, that left us with only
        the supermarket deli chicken to fill that got to have
        some chicken right now urge and it isn't the same. It
        also doen't stop KFC from torturing you with the ads
        for new items like their boneless chicken and hot bites.
        Come on people spend your ad dollars where you have
        a store. Oh and we had two McDonald's up here but
        the one near the university wasn't doing well and
        when it closed they bulldozed it to the ground a short
        time after. What a waste of a building as it was only
        about 10-15 years old, and was Buffy's first job in high

        I misheard an announcement today about Taco Bell
        stopping their children's meal and toys and thought
        they had said McDonalds. When I mentioned it to
        Buffy, Eva went nuts as she usually controls where the
        fast food is coming from by what toys are being offered.
        I haven't told her yet that McDonald's plans on giving
        out more books with their Happy Meals which doesn't
        hurt my feelings one bit. books hurt your feet a lot less
        than plastic toys when you step on them in the dark
        and don't laugh at you or make rude comments.

        The actual announcement about McDonald's today was
        about the increase in sales at Wendy's beating out the
        growth at McDonald's. I sent Buffy to Wendy's last month
        as we hadn't been there in years and told her to bring me
        back burgers and fries from the dollar menu. My first
        question wa," Where's The Beef." The patty wasn't
        much larger than that in a White Castle burger. Also
        while we are on the subject of burger accessories,
        remember how McDonalds used to have the best fries?
        About a year ago BK brought out there new fries that
        are larger and don't go limp on you when you nuke them.
        The only problem is that they oversalt them in my opinion.
        I have pretty much put away the salt shakers around
        my dining area and the salt on a half dozen BK fries
        will put your BP up 20 points for the rest of the day, so
        have it your way and tell them easy on the salt or I'll
        call corporate on you.
        Enjoy the chips... buff


        Transylvania Chips

        Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe, near
        Transylvania . They drive in a rental car along a rather deserted highway.
        It is late, raining very hard and Bob can barely see the road in front of
        the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control. Bob attempts to control it,
        but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree.. Moments later,
        Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger
        seat and sees Betty unconscious, with her head bleeding. Despite the rain
        and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
        He carefully picks her up and begins trudging down the road. After a short
        while, he sees a light and heads towards it, which is coming from a large,
        old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A small, hunched man opens the
        door. Bob blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill and this is my wife Betty.
        We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been Seriously hurt. Can
        I please use your phone?" "I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't
        have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in, and I will get him." Bob
        brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my
        assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.
        However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had some basic
        medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the
        laboratory." With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with
        Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob
        collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an
        adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.
        "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work
        feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more. The Hills'
        deaths upsets Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his
        conservatory, which houses his grand piano. It is here that he has always
        found solace and he begins to play. A stirring, almost haunting melody fills
        the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch
        movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to
        the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise,
        marking the beat. He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up
        straight! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the
        conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master! The
        Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

        Stan Kegel via Ted


        Beggar Chips

        Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy.
        One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.
        Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of
        the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

        The Pope comes by.
        He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds
        the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.
        Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says: "My
        poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is
        the Seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit
        there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting
        beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give
        more money to him just out of spite."

        The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned
        to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach
        the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"



        Funeral Chips

        An old Jewish man, Mr. Goldberg, dies and his family is planning the
        funeral. The local rabbi, they discover, is on a trip to Israel. After
        many telephone calls, they manage to reach a rabbi from the next town;
        he agrees to officiate at the funeral the next day. After chanting the
        "Kaddish" and "El Molay Rachamim" the rabbi begins his eulogy.

        "We are here to mourn the passing of our friend, Mr. Goldberg, a
        respected citizen and honored member of the community," Suddenly, an old
        man jumps up and says, "What are you talking about, Rabbi? This man was
        a gonnif, a momzer, and would cheat his own grandmother for fifty cents!

        "The rabbi decides to take another approach, "We are here to mourn the
        passing of our friend Mr. Goldberg, a patron of the synagogue and
        dedicated Talmudic scholar."

        Again the old man jumps up and says, "Are you meshuggeh, Rabbi? This man
        hasn't been in a shul since his bar mitzvah!"

        Again, the rabbi begins his eulogy, "We are here to mourn the passing of
        our friend, Mr. Goldberg, a loving husband and dedicated father." Once
        again the old man jumps up and says, "Rabbi, you obviously didn't know
        Goldberg. He cheated on his wife whenever he could and he never had time
        to spend with his children!"

        At this point, the rabbi is at a loss for words. Finally, he says, "My
        friends, have we not as Jews suffered from the insults and prejudices of
        our neighbors? Must we stoop to their level and speak ill of our own
        people? Surely, there is someone in this congregation who knew Mr.
        Goldberg and can say something good and kind about his life."

        After an entire minute of silence, the old man stands up again and says,
        "His brother was worse!"


        Border Chips

        Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border
        checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "Well now, it's
        illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four".

        "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts
        incredulously. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five

        "Ah no, you can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy. "Quattro means
        four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking
        the law."

        The Englishmen replies angrily, "You are an idiot! Call your supervisor
        over - I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

        "Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy's not available. He is busy with 2
        fellas in a Fiat Uno."


        Please forgive our lack of a fancy template at the moment and
        enjoy these pages from our friends.


        Send A Smile Today

        The Rainbow Bridge Poem - A Pet Loss Poem

        One Brave Little Dog

        Bobcat On A Cactus!


        School Chips

        On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
        The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted
        fruit. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The
        candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then
        the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted
        it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.She touched a drop of the
        liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the
        boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?" "No," said
        the little boy............."It's a puppy!"



        Short Chips

        "I've got 3 TVs, cable, & a satellite dish; I have 3 phone lines in the
        house, a cell phone & one in the car, plus a pager.

        I use 2 computers, 3 ISPs and a fax. I subscribe to two daily papers &
        one weekly one. I watch both the local & network news every evening.

        And my kids have the nerve to tell me I'm out of touch!"


        Everyone had weighed in, and our diet-workshop leader began her lecture
        on the week's topic - the problems of dining out.

        She talked about alternatives, such as requesting diet sodas and salad
        dressings, and having meat broiled instead of fried.

        Finally she turned the question over to the group for discussion. "What
        is the greatest problem you encounter when going out to eat?"

        Replied one woman rather quickly......

        "Running into you!"


        My dad bought my mom a piano for her birthday.

        A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.

        "Oh....that," said my dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."

        "Gee, how come?" I asked.

        "Well..." he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing...."


        The banker had called the man in to talk about his account.

        "Your financial affairs are in a big mess! Your wife constantly
        overdraws your account. She is behind in her charge accounts at the
        department store, and her check stubs are all added wrong. So...why
        don't you talk to her about it?"

        "Because...." said the man, "I would rather argue with you than with


        Fishing Chips

        Two blondes go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the
        reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a
        cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!

        The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same
        thing happens on the second day, and also on the third day. It goes on
        like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the
        blondes catches a fish.

        As they're driving home they're really depressed. One blonde turns to
        the other and says,

        "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen
        hundred bucks?"

        The other blonde says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any



        Parting Chips

        An Emergency Call Center worker in London, England, has been sacked,
        much to the dismay of her
        colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal.

        It seems a male caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am
        depressed and lying here on a
        railway line. I am waiting for the train to come so that I can finally
        meet Allah."

        Apparently, "Remain calm and stay on the line," was not considered to
        be an appropriate response


        Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean


        Remember 9/11/01

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