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Clean Chips For Weekend

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  • b brabant
    Clean Clean ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Please visit our Sponsor ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A TRIBUTE TO SPACE SHUTTLE COLUMBIA Commemorative 2003 1
    Message 1 of 16 , Mar 2, 2003
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      Clean Clean



      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      Audit Chips
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      "Oh, that?" the owner said smiling. "Well....we also deliver."

      rubin

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Little Johnny Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Little Johnny's mother was becoming worried. She
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      "Johnny, would you go next door and see how old Mrs.
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      "Sure Mom" he said running out the door.

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      "Well," asked Johnny's mom, "is she all right?"

      "She's fine, except that she's mad at you."

      "At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?"

      "She said its none of your business how old she is."


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      Vacation Chips
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      - Admits with only minor prodding that watching Monday
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      - Has learned all of the childrens' names so that he
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      - Knows the proper time to give a sincere compliment
      and also the proper time to say something such as, "Its definitely an
      interesting dress."


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      Little Johnny Chips
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      A large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised
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      Memory Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and, after
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      "Yes, yes. That's it. Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns
      toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant
      we went to last night?"
      -----------------------------------------------------
      My forgetter's getting better,
      But my rememberer is broke,
      To you that may seem funny,
      But, to me, that is no joke.

      For when I'm "here" I'm wondering,
      If I really should be "there,"
      And, when I try to think it through,
      I haven't got a prayer!

      Oft times I walk into a room,
      Say, "What am I here for?"
      I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
      A zero, is my score.

      At times I put something away,
      Where it is safe, but, Gee!
      The person it is safest from,
      Is, generally, me!

      When shopping I may see someone,
      Say, "Hi," and have a chat,
      Then, when the person walks away
      I ask myself, "Who was that?"

      Yes, my forgetter's getting better,
      While my rememberer is broke,
      And it's driving me plumb crazy,
      And that isn't any joke.

      CAN YOU RELATE???


      .oooO
      ( ) Oooo.
      ----------\ (--------( )---------
      \_ ) ) /
      From: Ann Lindholm (_ / AKA: Doubloon


      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      Silicon Valley Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Dear Mom,

      January 2002

      Moved to Silicon Valley for a job.
      My salary is 30% higher!
      I have stock options!
      The temperature outside is 65F in winter!
      California is the best place on earth!!!

      February

      Still looking for an apartment.
      Freeways everywhere to take you places.
      Still love California!

      March

      Found a 1 bedroom apartment for $1900/mo.
      California is more expensive than I thought.

      April

      Gas hit $2.29/gal.
      Somebody stole the gas from my car.
      This sucks....

      May

      A small earthquake!
      And this is what my mother was so worried about?
      Almost didn't feel it.

      June

      A forest fire and a mud slide near LA.
      Who cares, that is far away from me!

      July

      A big earthquake...
      Spent 4 hours in my bathtub.
      Boy, that was scary.
      We had no stinking earthquakes where I came from.

      August

      Drought! They turn on the water once a day.
      This sucks big time!
      Somebody stole the water from my car's radiator.
      Why did I come to California?

      September

      Decided to buy a house.
      Found a 2-bedroom fixer- upper for $800K.
      Borrowed against my stock options for down payment.
      Freeway traffic is worse. Today it took nearly two hours. One
      way.

      October

      My startup fired 90% of the work force, including me.
      The stock lost 98% of its value.
      My options are underwater.

      November

      Had to sell my house. Couldn't make the payments.
      Found a studio apartment for $2300/mo.
      Traffic unbearable

      December

      Problems with electricity.
      They turn the electricity off several times a day.
      It's called "rolling blackouts."
      Who stole my car battery, and what do I do now?

      January 2003

      I'm typing this, stuck in an elevator, in complete darkness.
      The battery of my laptop is dying.
      Silicon Valley is no more.
      Angry hordes of former dot-commers are looting in the dark.

      It was fun while it lasted.
      I'm coming back home.


      .oooO
      ( ) Oooo.
      ----------\ (--------( )---------
      \_ ) ) /
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      Parting Chips
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      upside-down?

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      Bonus Chip
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      Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

      *********************************************

      Remember 9/11/01
    • b brabant
      Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. When I hear of the protest marches and acts of
      Message 2 of 16 , Mar 9, 2003
      • 0 Attachment
        Clean Clean



        Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
        name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

        When I hear of the protest marches and acts of civil disobedience by
        students and citizens regarding the possible War with Ira, I can
        understand where they are coming from. I too succumbed to the herd
        mentality twice involving the peace movement in the early seventies and
        the war In Viet Nam.
        The first time was just a Moment of Silence type thing in the High
        School. Our school board had warned us that anything more would be
        handled with expulsion. A little strong perhaps, but those were the days
        of Kent State and students barricading themselves in Dean's Offices and
        there was worries that it would spread to high schools even in a
        conservative rural area.
        The second time was in the spring 1972 Nixon had mined Haiphong Harbor
        to control soviet vessels from offloading munitions there to support the
        war.. Some viewed this as escalation and prolonging of the war ... At
        the time I had just left Michigan State Univ. and was deciding which
        service I was going to join but still hanging around campus every
        weekend. A huge protest was staged for three days mostly to give 40,000
        students a chance to party in the streets ( MSU unlike Uof M was mainly
        party oriented not politically oriented at the time) . Morning of the
        fourth day 300 police showed up and everybody pretty much went home
        peacefully .. End of my days as a war protester .. Ironically October
        1973 found me on Operation Endsweep in Haiphong Harbor on the USS
        Constellation providing air support for the mine sweepers removing those
        mines. We also had the pleasure of the mines as dinner guests all the
        way back to the states as they were stored on the mess decks.. I guess
        I deserved that for protesting .

        The majority of people marching today , like myself, have neither the
        information or conviction to be participating in these marches. Instead
        like me they hope to feel some of what the people involved in the peace
        movement felt or they are victims of peer pressure as I was . It took me
        years to find out that the events that I thought were cool at the time
        and got my friends faces in the papers and news helped formed the public
        opinion that brought so much hurt upon the veterans returning from
        Vietnam . The events of today are dragging up the same hurt and setting
        up our sons and daughters for the same situation tomorrow.

        As Cat Stevens said in the Song Father and Son,

        I was once like you are now
        And I know that it's not easy
        To be calm when you've found something going on
        But take your time, think a lot
        Think of everything you've got
        For you will still be here tomorrow
        But your dreams may not

        Enjoy the chips......buffalo

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        Indian Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed
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        you discover that you are riding a dead horse,
        the best strategy is to dismount.

        In modern education and expanded government,
        however, a whole range of far more advanced
        strategies are often employed, such as:

        1. Buying a stronger whip.
        2. Changing riders.
        3. Threatening the horse with termination.
        4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
        5. Arranging to visit other countries to see
        how others ride dead horses.
        6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses
        can be included.
        7. Re-classifying the dead horse as "living-
        impaired."
        8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead
        horse.
        9. Harnessing several dead horses together to
        increase the speed.
        10. Providing additional funding and/or training
        to increase the dead horse's performance.
        11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter
        riders would improve the dead horse's perform-
        mance.
        12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not
        have to be fed, it is less costly, carries
        lower overhead, and therefore contributes
        substantially more to the bottom line of the
        economy than do some other horses.
        13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements
        for all horses.
        14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory
        position.
        15. As a last resort, sell it on Ebay.

        Dianne

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Stuck Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Two young guys were at a party in the woods when all of a sudden there
        was a downpour of thunder and rain. The two ran for about 10 minutes in
        the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up.
        They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing
        and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.

        All of a sudden an old man's face appeared in the passenger window and
        tapped lightly on the window!

        The passenger screamed out, "Eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There's an
        old guy's face there!"

        (Was this a ghost?)

        The old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well open the window a
        little and ask him what he wants!"

        So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of
        his wits, "What do you want?"

        The old man softly replied, "You have any tobacco?"

        The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants
        tobacco!"

        "Well, offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.

        So the passenger fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a
        cigarette, rolling up the window in terror and yells, "Step on it!!!"

        Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing
        again.

        The passenger says, "What did you think of that?"

        The driver says, "I don't know. How could that be? I am going pretty
        fast!"

        All of a sudden, AGAIN there is a knock on the window and the old man is
        looking in the window.

        "Aaaaaaaaaaargh! There he is again!", the passenger yells.

        "Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.

        The passenger rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says
        "Yes?"

        "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.

        The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him, rolls up the
        window and again yells, "STEP ON IT!"

        They are now going about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they
        had just seen and heard. Suddenly, again there is more knocking!

        "HE'S BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU
        WANT?" in stark fear.

        The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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        Health Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        In Japan, the fat intake in the average Japanese diet is very low and
        the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

        However, in France, the average fat intake is very high, and yet, the
        heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

        In India almost no one drinks red wine and the heart disease ratio is
        lower than in North America and the UK.

        In Spain, everybody drinks too much red wine and the heart disease ratio
        is lower than in North America and the UK.

        In Algeria, the average sexual activity ratio is very low and the heart
        disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

        In Brazil, everybody has sex like crazy and the heart disease ratio is
        lower than in North America and the UK.

        Conclusion: Drink, eat and screw all you want. It's speaking English
        that kills you.

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        Blonde Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        80,000 blondes meet at the Wembley Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not
        Stupid" convention. The master of ceremonies says, "We are all here
        today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a
        volunteer?" One blonde steps up, so the master of ceremonies asks her,
        "What is 15 plus 15?"

        After 15 or 20 seconds, she replies, "Eighteen."

        Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start
        chanting, "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

        The master of ceremonies says, "Well, since we've gone to the trouble
        of getting 80,000 of you here and the World Wide Press, I guess we can
        give her another chance." So, asks her, "What is 5 plus 5?"

        After 15 or 20 seconds, she replies, "Ninety."

        The master of ceremonies sighs. Everyone is crestfallen and the blonde
        starts crying. Again, the 80,000 girls start chanting, "Give her another
        chance, give her another chance."

        Unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, the master of
        ceremonies finally says, "Okay! One more chance.

        What is 2 plus 2?"

        After 15 or 20 seconds, she replies, "Four."

        The stadium of 80,000 blondes start chanting, "Give her another chance,
        give her another chance."


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Church Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        The 2000 member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one
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        One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other
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        The one in the middle announced, "EVERYONE WILLING TO TAKE A BULLET FOR
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        Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out
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        After a few moments, there were about 20 people left sitting in the
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        The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All
        right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        Watermelon Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        "Revenge of the Seed Spitters"

        There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but
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        up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for
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        So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next
        day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says, "Warning, one of
        the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

        So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next
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        next week and when he looks over the field he notices that
        no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next
        to his. He drives up to the sign which read:
        ``Now there are two".


        .oooO
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        ----------\ (--------( )---------
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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Short Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Every parent has dreams for a child. In one dream, the kid is saying,
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        ---------------------------------------
        No matter how hard my mom tries, every plant or flower
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        Parting Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        My husband has always had a beard.

        One day, he decided to shave it off. He came into the room where my 3
        year old granddaughter Tiffany was and asked her, "Notice anything
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        To which she replied, "No," with a puzzled look on her face.

        My husband then said to her, "My beard's gone."

        Now the puzzled look disappeared and the innocent eyes appeared when she
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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        Bonus Chip
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        A faith healer asked Moshe how his family was getting along. "They 're
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        "Your uncle is not sick," the faith healer said. "He THINKS he's sick."

        Two weeks later, the faith healer ran into Moshe on the street. "How is
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        Moshe shrugged, "He THINKS he's dead."


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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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        Message 3 of 16 , Mar 16, 2003
        • 0 Attachment
          Clean Clean



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          Fitness Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          You've seen those ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts of
          contraptions. Well, there's no need to invest in fancy equipment. If you
          have (or can borrow) a dog, you have everything you need to get in shape
          now!!! The following exercises can be done anywhere, anytime.

          Inner Thighs:
          Place the dog's favorite toy between thighs. Press
          tighter than the dog can pull. Do not attempt bare legged - dogs who
          favor shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You could be
          damaged.

          Upper Body Strength:
          Lift the dog - off the couch, off the bed, out of the flower bed.
          Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this exercise is reversed -
          onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and so on.

          Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1:
          Remove your puppy from unsuitable tight places.
          If they're too small for him, they're certainly too
          small for you. Do it anyway!

          Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2:
          Practice not falling when your dog bounds across
          the full length of the room, sails through the air,
          and slams both front paws into the back of your
          knees.

          Balance and Coordination, Exercise 3:
          (for use with multiple dogs)
          Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone
          before it stops ringing.

          Balance and Coordination, Exercise 4:
          (alternate) For older dogs, attempt to cross a
          room without tripping over the dog. Get off your
          couch without crushing any part of a sleeping
          elderly dog.

          Upper Arms:
          Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the
          Frisbee. Repeat until nauseous.

          Upper Arms: (alternate)
          Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the sock.
          Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the
          dog gives up (we all know which comes first).

          Hand Coordination:
          Remove foreign object from dog's locked jaw. This
          exercise is especially popular with puppy owners.
          Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Remember, this is a timed
          exercise. Movements must be quick and precise
          (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet,
          which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw
          firming clenches.

          Calves:
          After the dog has worn out the rest of your body,
          hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug
          while you tug back. WARNING: This is feasible only
          for those with strong bones and small dogs. Have
          you taken your calcium supplement today?

          Calves: (alternate)
          Run after dog - pick any reason, there are
          plenty. Dogs of any size can be used for this
          exercise. Greyhounds are inadvisable.

          Neck Muscles:
          Attempt to outmaneuver the canine tongue headed
          for your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong
          fitness program. A dog is never too old or too feeble
          to "French Kiss" you when you least expect it.


          Dianne



          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          Lion Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          A man told the ringmaster that he was
          interested in joining the circus as a
          lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he
          had any experience

          The man said, "Why, yes. My father was
          one of the most famous lion tamers in
          the world, and he taught me everything
          he knew."

          "Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he
          teach you how to make a lion jump through
          a flaming hoop?"

          "Yes he did," the man replied.

          "And did he teach you how to have six
          lions form a pyramid?"

          "Yes he did," the man replied.

          "And have you ever stuck your head in
          a lion's mouth?"

          "Just once," the man replied.

          The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"

          The man said, "I was looking for my father."

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          Blonde Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were all driving in a car
          when the car crashed. Minutes later they appeared up in heaven.

          God says to them "Ahead are 100 stairs, at each stair you will be
          told a joke, if you laugh you will take the one way train to Hell, if
          you remain silent, you will continue on. If you make it to the top, you
          will stay in Heaven."

          So the brunette started up the stairs. At the 55th stair she
          laughed,
          and was sent aboard the train to hell.

          The redhead started to climb but laughed at the 79th stair and got
          on the train to Hell.

          The blonde started up and made it to the 100th stair. She paused,
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          laughed. Still laughing she replied, "I finally got the first joke!"


          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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          Toe Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


          When my wife quit work to take care
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          One evening, she banged her bare toes on the corner
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          I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt.

          She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed
          to moan, "It's the piggy that ate roast beef."


          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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          Quality Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          This speaks a lot about the quality of Japanese products and their
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          Nun Chips
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          The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness,
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          do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are
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          close relatives, then?" "Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but
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          "then bill my brother-in-law."



          Barbara


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          Parting Chips
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          Bonus Chip
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          Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,
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          Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

          *********************************************

          Remember 9/11/01
        • b brabant
          Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. I woke up Sat morning about 0500 with the scanner
          Message 4 of 16 , Mar 23, 2003
          • 0 Attachment
            Clean Clean


            Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
            name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

            I woke up Sat morning about 0500 with the scanner going off , A break-in
            had been discovered and the police were following the suspect over the
            area of about a mile as I listened. Then it clicked in my mind , how are
            they following this person? Yep, fresh snow, a couple of inches, to be
            exact. To make matters worse I had defied the city ordinance on parking
            on streets during snow removal hours because my yard is very soft and I
            don't want to tear it up. To be on the safe side I parked with my wheels
            on the sidewalk last night, still frowned upon but a smaller parking
            ticket. Leave it to Spring to turn the normally law abiding buffalo into
            a hellraising hooligan.
            I am deeply disturbed by yesterday's attack on the command tents at
            Camp Penn, Kuwait by one of our own. Be it mental illness, terrorism, or
            his idea of freedom of speech, if the UCMJ no longer carries a death
            sentence for this offense it should be reinstated and if he is found
            guilty an execution carried out as soon as possible.

            Have a good day, buffalo

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            French Chips
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            "My favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is the one that
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            French announced today that they would not help us remove Saddam from
            Iraq. Well Duh! They didn't even help us remove Hitler from France."
            -Jay Leno =================== "France said this week they need more
            evidence to convince them Saddam is a threat. Yeah, last time France
            asked for more evidence it came rollin thru Paris with a German Flag on
            it." -Dave Letterman ================== Why are all the highways in
            France lined with trees? So the Germans can march in the shade!!!
            ================== Going to war without France is like going deer
            hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy
            baggage. -unknown ================= France has neither winter, nor
            summer, nor morals. France is miserable because it is filled with
            Frenchmen, and Frenchmen are miserable because they live in France.
            -Mark Twain ================= Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a
            Frenchman who lives in Canada. -Ted Nugent ================= The only
            way the French are going in with us is if we tell them we found truffles
            in Iraq. ================= War without France would be like ... uh ...
            World War II! ================= What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with
            their hands up? The Army ================= Q. How do you stop a French
            Tank? A. Shoot the guy pushing. ================= Q. how many Frenchman
            does it take to defend Paris. A. We don't know, it's never been tried.
            ================= The best French bashing line heard over the last week
            is: "We can count on the French to be there when THEY need us."


            .oooO
            ( ) Oooo.
            ----------\ (--------( )---------
            \_ ) ) /
            From: Ann Lindholm (_ / AKA: Doubloon


            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Bush Chips
            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Dubya and the Pope
            The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an
            afternoon on the Potomac...sailing on the presidential yacht, the
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            hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water. Secret
            service guys start to launch a boat, but Bush waves them off, saying
            "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry." Bush then steps off
            the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy
            Father's little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back to the
            yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned
            silence. The next morning, the Washington Post carries a story, with
            front-page photos, of the event. The banner headline is: "Bush Can't
            Swim."


            .oooO
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            From: Ann Lindholm (_ / AKA: Doubloon


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            Crazy Chips
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            You just KNOW the world has gone crazy when the top golfer in the
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            Helen

            ~~~~~~

            Catholic Horses

            Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away
            to the race track. One day he was betting on the ponies
            and nearly losing his shirt, when he noticed a priest
            who stepped onto the track and blessed the forehead of
            a horse lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this
            horse -- a very long shot -- won the race. Mitch was most interested to
            see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the
            priest step onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed
            his blessing on the forehead of a horse. He made made a beeline for the
            window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another
            long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch
            collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the
            priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed,
            blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! As the day went on, the
            priest continued blessing horses, and they always came in first Mitch
            began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his
            wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM,
            withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him
            which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the
            track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and
            hooves of one of the horses. Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse
            come in dead last. Dumbfounded, Mitch made his way to the track and when
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            Cooking Chips
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            Boy I am glad my husband has been cooking lately.I was getting pretty
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            """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
            """"
            """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
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            - Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner
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            - You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a
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            Family Chips
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            ....................................
            . E-Zine: LABLaughsClean .
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            The first Jewish President of the United States phones his mother in
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            He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't have any need for a cab.
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            His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the
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            To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to
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            She answers, "Yes, that's nice..... but, you know, I still need a hotel
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            Irritated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay at the White
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            Flying Chips
            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            These are entries from the mechanics' logs of repairs done on airplanes:

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            Discrepancy: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
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            Dianne


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            Toon Chips
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            Short Chips
            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Seven year old Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to
            school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that
            John was misbehaving. "Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny here for
            two months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."
            ----------------------------------------------------
            Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being

            out late the night before. The first man signed to his friend, "My wife
            was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get
            into trouble." The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My
            wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at
            me and giving me hell for being out so late." The first deaf man asked,
            "So, what did you do?" The second man replied, "I just turned out the
            light!"
            ------------------------------------------------------------------------
            ----
            --------

            Burglars broke into a bank after hours and found one lone teller trying
            to balance his books. After forcing him to open the vault, they tied and
            gagged him. Quickly tossing all the cash into a duffel bag, they were
            about to leave when they heard the teller making noises through his gag.
            Curious, they loosened it and asked what he was trying to say, "Take my
            balance sheet too," he gasped, "I'm short $70."
            ------------------------------------------------------------------------
            ----
            -----------




            .oooO
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            ----------\ (--------( )---------
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            From: Ann Lindholm (_ / AKA: Doubloon



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            Bonus Chip
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            During the Super Bowl, there was another football game
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            the little animals.
            At the start of the second half the big animals had the
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            The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On
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            The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who
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            rhino?" "Uh, that was me too" said the centipede. "And how about the
            hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?" "Well, that was me as well," said
            the centipede. "SO WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST HALF?" demanded the coach.
            "Well" said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."



            .oooO
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            Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

            *********************************************

            Remember 9/11/01
          • b brabant
            Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Friday night as I was searching for a reason that
            Message 5 of 16 , Mar 30, 2003
            • 0 Attachment
              Clean Clean

              Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
              name is Buffalo and I have the watch.


              Friday night as I was searching for a reason that a magnetizer wouldn't
              work. I don't care for this machine in the least that charges up the
              magnets for something like the flywheel on a lawnmower. It has banks of
              really big capacitors that store like 6500 joules of electricity at 600
              volts. This thing has enough juice to jump start Frankenstein's Monster
              and make every hair stand up on a buffalo and every other sentence
              recommends contacting a person experienced in high frequency radio
              electronics. I figure since I can adjust the dial on an FM radio I'm
              qualified, right. Anyhow this story isn't about that darn machine, it's
              still broke, someone let the smoke out and I need tech support come
              Monday.
              About that time , the foreman. still a Marine at heart, stops by and
              asks when the machine will be ready. The radio is playing some talk
              program on the war in Iraq in the background and I heard someone say, "
              The war in Iraq isn't being fought only by professionals, We have the
              Navy helping us too." I was in shock for a couple of seconds and the
              foreman said," That dude really cut you down." Talk about a gross
              understatement, this guy did more to upset me than the Dixie Chicks,
              Sean Penn, Michael Moore, and possibly even Saddam Hussein. I wanted
              this guy to be the next target for the Navy's War on Terrorism. I
              figured one of those 4500 lb. bunker busters in the lap would be a just
              payback.. I have calmed down now though and this morning would settle
              for meeting him and in the words of my friends Roy D. Mercer and
              President Bush opening a can of whoop-ass on him. Have a good
              Sunday..buffalo

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              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              Axiom Chips
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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              Short Chips
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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              ------------------------------------------------------------



              .oooO
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              "The First Time's Always the Worst"
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              working). I hadn't seen anything on fire, so my panic hadn't quite
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              Adult Chips
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              Remember 9/11/01
            • b brabant
              Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. What a sleepy morning. I hate waking up at the same
              Message 6 of 16 , Apr 6 9:24 AM
              • 0 Attachment
                Clean Clean




                Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
                name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

                What a sleepy morning. I hate waking up at the same time knowing that I
                am already an hour late. First a big Happy Birthday to my sister Cathy
                in New Caney Texas. Welcome to the world of AARP mail, sis. I got to
                say though you look to good to be receiving mail for old people. When
                Mary and Nancy argue about who is the smartest and the cutest , they
                always seem to leave your name out, come to think of it , they leave
                mine out too.

                Friday morning a lot of people noticed the absence of the Canadian flag
                at the USA Gas Station near the International Bridge and the scuttlebutt
                was running rampant over its disappearance. Some said the store had
                removed it because of lack of support in our country's war plans. Other
                said the Canadians had asked that it be removed for a variety of vague
                reasons. On my way home from work , I stopped under the pretext of
                getting the newspaper and with a little observation knew the reason
                immediately. The clerk confirmed what I had seen and told me the rope
                had broke and they were waiting for the Fire Department to come by and
                replace the rope. So, unless there was someone who cut the rope all the
                rumors were untrue and it was a perfect example of scuttlebutt running
                amok.

                Enjoy the chips...buffalo

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                Short Chips
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                ----------------------------------------------------
                An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the
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                -------------------------------------------------------
                Just a Thought. What If Saddam Hussein survived the bombing last week,
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                -----------------------------------------------------------
                A cop saw a blonde down on her knees under a streetlight.
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                Asked the cop "did you drop it right here?"
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                ----------------------------------------------------
                One day a blonde went to a sea food restaurant and saw the
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                hid them in her purse. Later she went to the woods to set the poor
                animals free!
                --------------------------------------------------
                Yesterday my son came home and said, "I have good news and bad news. The
                good news is - I got 18 out of 20 on my driver's test." I said, "Great!
                Now what's the bad news?" He said, "They were pedestrians."
                ----------------------------------------------------------
                A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him sitting at his desk,
                looking very depressed. "Hey, what's up with you?" he asks. "Oh, its my
                wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me."
                "Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?" "Neither, He's
                bald."
                --------------------------------------------------------
                "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man
                of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I
                wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
                --------------------------------------------------
                As the seventh of eight children, my son Isaac is used to hand-me-downs.
                He was very excited on his eighth birthday, therefore, when we took him
                to a store to choose a watch. A clerk demonstrated the features to him:
                "This is the hour hand, this is the minute hand, and this is the second
                hand." With that, Isaac's face fell. "Secondhand? I thought we were
                buying a new one!"
                ----------------------------------------------------







                .oooO
                ( ) Oooo.
                ----------\ (--------( )---------
                \_ ) ) /
                From: Ann Lindholm (_ / AKA: Doubloon


                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Horse Chips
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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                Future King of Ohio, JMC


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                Army Chips
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                .oooO
                ( ) Oooo.
                ----------\ (--------( )---------
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                From: Ann Lindholm (_ / AKA: Doubloon


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                OOOPS!


                .oooO
                ( ) Oooo.
                ----------\ (--------( )---------
                \_ ) ) /
                From: Ann Lindholm (_ / AKA: Doubloon





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                Now I lost my specs, and my pipe-stem broke,
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                A tree fell on the chicken shed,
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                Then a chimney fire took half of a wall,
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                Then I caught my heel on an old dead vine,
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                Then a beaver dam broke and my bridge washed out,
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                And the bank foreclosed, so I've lost my place,
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                They cut off my credit at the grocery store,
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                I must have been hexed by a triple curse,
                as things keep going from bad to worse.
                And now fate has hit me a last dirty crack,
                to top off the worst - my wife's coming back!


                .oooO
                ( ) Oooo.
                ----------\ (--------( )---------
                \_ ) ) /
                From: Ann Lindholm (_ / AKA: Doubloon



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                Male Chips
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                3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
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                4) The man places the meat on the grill.
                5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
                6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
                7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
                8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
                9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
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                Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

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                Remember 9/11/01
              • b brabant
                Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. A lot of difficulties doing the lists this morning
                Message 7 of 16 , Apr 13 10:42 AM
                • 0 Attachment
                  Clean Clean

                  Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
                  name is Buffalo and I have the watch.


                  A lot of difficulties doing the lists this morning . First I still
                  haven't accepted the time change from last week yet which actually cut
                  an hour off my sleep because I still get up at the same time no matter
                  what. I only use an alarm clock on Saturday mornings when I have to be
                  up five hours early. I will be messed up for another month or so till
                  the sun catches up . Never used top be this way, I could handle watch
                  changes on a weekly basis, just getting old or civilianlized.
                  Breaking in a new keyboard this morning as the milk from all those
                  sweet cereals in the morning glued my direction keys down and I had to
                  use the mouse to move the cursor around the other night or else I would
                  be half way down the page before the key would release. To make matters
                  worse , the daughter's cat, Woogie, who doesn't really like me but loves
                  the Temptation's cat Treats I hand out is perched upon my monitor like
                  a vulture daring me to stare her down. When I do look at her she turns
                  her back and swings her tail across the screen like a big white
                  windshield wiper, causing me to rock in my chair to see the screen. I'll
                  put a stop to that in just a second though as soon as the Doberman wav
                  loads ... Wow , never seen a cat go that high straight up in the air
                  before . Guess she won't climb up there again for a day or two. She
                  wiped out a whole row of McDonald's buffalos and a beanie buffalo as she
                  ran across the printer and ran into Sandy's bedroom and is hiding under
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                  Little Johnny Chips
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                  Little Johnny's teacher was having trouble with him disrupting the class
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                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                  After taking a bogey on the hole, they moved to the 2nd, a par 5. "Avoid
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                  Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

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                  Remember 9/11/01
                • b brabant
                  Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Sign The Buffalo Birthday Card
                  Message 8 of 16 , Apr 20 9:45 AM
                  • 0 Attachment
                    Clean Clean

                    Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
                    name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

                    Sign The Buffalo Birthday Card
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                    I turned 51 today. To those who remembered or were told and sent a card
                    or a greeting Thank You . To everyone else. I hid the approaching date
                    because I didn't want to deal with answering hundreds of mails like in
                    past years. I offer instead a few observations on my birthday 4-20
                    instead. First, having your birthday fall on Easter is a real let down.
                    Face it , the resurrection of the Savior of all mankind is a pretty
                    tough act to follow. no disrespect or blasphemy intended. It has only
                    happened twice in fifty years so a guy can't really complain.
                    The Navy managed to take one of my birthdays away by crossing the
                    International Dateline while I was asleep at 0200 20 April. Poof Its the
                    21st and my birthday was gone, oh well, it's not like I was going to hit
                    the bars or anything in Mid-Pacific.
                    Then I have the distinction of a birthday the day after Branch
                    Davidian shootout in Waco and the bombing in Oklahoma City. It's always
                    depressing watching CNN remind everyone of those two events the day
                    before.
                    I used to ask my mom if anything major happened the day I was born
                    and she told me there was a big riot at the state prison at Jackson that
                    day. She was just kidding though, nothing really major happened that day
                    , except for giving birth to a buffalo .
                    Finally I started seeing 420 written on the walls of bathrooms and
                    fences and buildings in street art about 20 years ago and figured great
                    someone recognizes my birthday. Unfortunately it turned out to be all
                    the stoners in the world using it as slang for pot

                    From Steven Hager of High Times Magazine http://tinyurl.com/9wqv Do you
                    know what 420 means? Several times over the past few years, HIGH TIMES
                    has attributed "420" to a code used by the San Rafael police department.
                    However, the department has always denied this and I've come to the
                    conclusion they are telling the truth. I was recently contacted by a
                    group known as the "Waldos," who claim to have originated 420 in San
                    Rafael in 1971. The group began meeting every day at 4:20 PM after
                    school and eventually began to use 420 as a code for marijuana so they
                    could talk about pot in front of parents and teachers.

                    I guess I have it easy compared to those people who were born on 9-11
                    look what they have to remember their birth date with and lets not
                    forget those people born on 5-02 (Police Code for DWI}
                    So to all those with a birthday today in the Herd , Happy Birthday
                    and to the Christians in the Herd I wish you a very Happy Easter
                    ...buffalo

                    Scuttlebutt from Uncle George:

                    Hey Friends and family, This is your favorite Uncle George writing, and
                    you know I'm family because I have a request for you. I need a favor.
                    My Son is a Junior at Virginia Tech in Blacksburg, VA, and he has
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                    There is online voting through Sunday the 20th of April. If you decide
                    to vote, just click the radio button below the picture, then click the
                    "Submit my vote" bar at the bottom. You must include your email address
                    and you'll receive one email back asking you to validate your vote.
                    This contest is being run by the Virginia Department of Environmental
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                    Institute Research Labs, and the U.S. Army Corp of Engineers. You won't
                    be getting any SPAM for your efforts. Vote for whichever picture you
                    like, but I think the best picture is #10, "Autumnal Reflections" at The
                    Duck Pond at Virginia Tech. Thanks for helping your favorite Uncle.
                    Regards, Uncle George

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                    ps Picture #10 is currently only 405 votes behind. Thanks again.

                    buffalo says take a minute today and let the herd be heard


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                    constantly feels self-conscious about the glass eye.

                    His doctor gives him the good news that complete eye transplants are now
                    possible. But the bad news is that there's a chronic lack of donors and
                    the waiting list is about five years.

                    One night, driving down the Pacific Coast Highway, his glass eye fails
                    to detect a guy trying to go around his car on a motorcycle. He changes
                    lanes and sends the motorcycle flying.

                    It's late at night and nobody's around and it's clear to the football
                    player that the cyclist is dead. He makes a quick decision and cuts out
                    one of the cyclists eyes with his pen knife. He figures if he rushes it
                    to his surgeon he'll be able to perform the transplant. Before he leaves
                    he pops out his glass eye and places it in the cyclist's eye socket.

                    Everything is fine for a few weeks, his new eye is working perfectly.
                    But he starts to worry about the cyclist. Everything had happened so
                    fast - what if he wasn't dead after all?

                    He decided to call the local police station and enquire about the
                    accident.

                    "Yes, the poor fellow was dead alright," said the officer, "but it's
                    still all very mysterious."

                    The guy felt a chill of fear run up and down his spine...

                    "Mysterious?" he asked.

                    "Yeah, how did he manage to ride his bike all the way up here from Los
                    Angeles with two glass eyes?"


                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    Coal Chips
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    ............................................................
                    . E-Zine: Becky's Giggles & Grins .
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                    ............................................................

                    "Johnny," said his teacher, "if coal is selling at $6 a ton and you pay
                    your dealer $24, how many tons will he bring you?"

                    "A little over three tons, ma'am," said Johnny promptly.

                    "Why, Johnny, that isn't right," said the teacher.

                    "No, ma'am, I know it ain't," said Johnny, "but they all do it."


                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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                    Quirks and Angels Chips
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                    Quirks About Life You Notice By The Time You Are Fifty,
                    -----------------------------------
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                    **..All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.
                    **..The one who snores will fall asleep first.
                    **..The length of a marriage is inversely proportional
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                    **..The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good and
                    apropos as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse.
                    **..If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next
                    time they are in need. **..The probability of meeting someone you know
                    increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be
                    seen with. **..Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the
                    weekend when the Dental Office will be closed.
                    ----------------------------------------------
                    A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand
                    still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head
                    and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of
                    him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going
                    to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If
                    you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The
                    man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the
                    corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are
                    you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man
                    asked. "And where were you when I got married?"


                    .oooO
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                    Short Chips
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                    An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter
                    went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?" The man
                    considered this for a moment, then replied "every day at 9 PM I have a
                    glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard." The reporter replied,
                    "That's ALL?" The man smiled, "That, and canceling my voyage on
                    Titanic."
                    --------------------------------------------------
                    A small social club was trying to organize a baseball team. They could
                    only muster eight players, but finally found a ninth to play. In
                    desperation, they called on a new member, an Englishman, to join their
                    team. During their first game, the Englishman came to bat. On the first
                    pitch, he knocked the ball out of the park. "Run!" his teammates cried.
                    "For God's sake, run!" The Brit turned and stared at them icily. "I
                    jolly well shan't run," he replied. "Why should I? I'm perfectly willing
                    to buy you chaps another ball."
                    -----------------------------------------------
                    In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss
                    some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one
                    of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece. One of the old farmers
                    stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to
                    ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?" Quick as a flash, the
                    woman replied, "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!"
                    -------------------------------------------------



                    .oooO
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                    Pun Chips
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    THE CANNIBAL'S DINNER GUEST
                    Copyright; Jack Smith

                    There's trouble in the jungle,
                    this hot and humid night.
                    Hear the pounding of the drums,
                    see the fires burning bright.

                    A tribe of hungry cannibals
                    is gathering for a feast,
                    and tonight they're not just cooking up
                    the usual jungle beast.

                    They dance around the burning flames
                    that flicker in the night,
                    and after all that dancing,
                    well, they've got an appetite.

                    They eye the captive missionary,
                    and jump about with glee.
                    White folks are a special treat,
                    a real delicacy!

                    A couple of the cannibals
                    go off to tend the fire,
                    while another plucks the captive
                    of inedible attire.

                    Ample, generous helpings
                    of Caucasian are revealed,
                    as the victim's coat and pants and blouse
                    and bra are slowly peeled.

                    A lucky youngster over by
                    the village cooking pit,
                    tries on the victim's shoes and socks.
                    How 'bout that...they fit!

                    The natives start to fan the flames,
                    'cause a barbeque needs heat,
                    especially with a hundred and
                    forty seven pounds of meat.

                    Then the tribal cook arrives
                    with a twelve foot bamboo skewer.
                    The missionary's remaining moments
                    are surely getting fewer.

                    The tribal cook says to the tribe,
                    "We really should work fast,
                    and quickly get this person cooked
                    for this evening's repast."

                    But the missionary disagrees,
                    "DON'T YOU DARE!" she shouts.
                    She looks up at the tribal cook
                    and says, "You savage lout,

                    Don't just plop me o'er the fire!
                    I can think of nothing worse...
                    You should MARINATE me for awhile
                    with oil and juices first!

                    And while I'm roasting, don't forget
                    to BASTE me, you big cretin!
                    It'll make me much more succulent
                    and tender when I'm eaten.

                    Now, I am a little brawny,
                    and in places rather plump,
                    so allow some extra cooking time
                    for my brisket, hams and rump.

                    Be sure to try the liver, too -
                    it's really quite nutritious,
                    and I strongly recommend my calves...
                    they should be MOST delicious!"

                    Well, the natives find it rather odd
                    to get this kind suggestion.
                    Most victims only want to give
                    them lots of indigestion.

                    On the other hand, they don't complain.
                    They do just as she'd asked,
                    dutifully carrying out
                    these culinary tasks.

                    And everyone joins in the work,
                    there is no effort spared,
                    as the healthy, meaty missionary
                    is lovingly prepared.

                    The tribal cook shouts out commands:
                    "Don't turn the spit too slow!"
                    "Alright, let's butter her up again,
                    this time from head to toe!"

                    Well, the meal turns out just wonderful,
                    thanks to their dinner guest.
                    All the bones are cleanly picked -
                    the cook is quite impressed.

                    Still, he's just a bit confused,
                    and a little bit surprised.
                    Why would this wacky missionary
                    promote her own demise?

                    Well, it seems that she had misconstrued
                    some orders that were sent,
                    from missionary headquarters
                    to her little jungle tent.

                    Her leaders had instructed her
                    to come up with a plan,
                    for teaching all the natives
                    how to SERVE their fellow man !

                    THE END (in more ways than one)


                    Bree

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                    Short Chips
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    When the aged president of the company was out of town, half a dozen of
                    his senior executives got together to plan some way to ease the old coot
                    out of the driver's seat. To their horror, the executive VP's secretary
                    buzzed him halfway through the meeting to inform him that the president
                    had come back early and was on his way to see him. "If he catches us all
                    here he'll know exactly what we're up to," cried the VP. "Quick, you
                    five jump out the window!" "But we're on the thirteenth floor,"
                    protested the treasurer. "Jump!" yelled the VP. "This is no time for
                    superstition!"
                    ----------------------------------------------
                    My husband was a man who had worn a beard all his life. However, in
                    spite of the fact his hair hadn't turned grey, his beard had. One day,
                    he decided to shave it off. He came into the room where my 3 year old
                    granddaughter Tiffany was and asked her, "Notice anything different?" To
                    which she replied, "No," with a puzzled look on her face. My husband
                    then said to her, "My beard's gone." Now the puzzled look disappeared
                    and the innocent eyes appeared when she said "I didn't take it!"
                    --------------------------------------------
                    Joey, a five-year-old grandson, was told before his birthday that he
                    probably wouldn't get certain gifts he wanted because his parents just
                    didn't have enough money. He was still disappointed when the warnings
                    proved true. When he and his family went home from Grandma's afterwards,
                    the weather was cold and messy. Joey, tired and crabby as he stood
                    shivering at their front door while his dad unlocked it, grumbled: "I
                    don't see why you have to lock our door--we don't have any money!"






                    .oooO
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                    ----------\ (--------( )---------
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                    From: Ann Lindholm (_ / AKA: Doubloon


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                    Toon Chips
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                    School Chips
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her
                    kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she
                    could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots
                    still didn't want to go on.

                    Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She
                    almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong
                    feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier
                    pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep
                    her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on
                    the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

                    She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why
                    didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to
                    help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

                    No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's
                    boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

                    Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the
                    grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
                    Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"

                    He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

                    Her trial starts next month.

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                    THE MIRANDA RIGHTS as Cops Would like to Read Them...
                    1. No, I don't care who you are.
                    2. No, I don't care who you know.
                    3. Yes... you DO pay my salary.
                    4. Yes... you CAN have my job.
                    5. No, I don't have anything better to do.
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                    11. Yes, I'm sure you will never do it again.
                    12. No, we can't talk about it.
                    13. Yes, it DOES make me happy.
                    14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.



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                    Bonus Chip
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    "CAT'S COMPUTER DICTIONARY"

                    BROWSER: What I like to be at 3:00 am when I rearrange
                    all your books on your desk. Where's a kitty supposed
                    to lay down with all that mess?

                    WALLPAPER: My favorite stuff, mostly in the kitchen
                    and bathroom, I use to exercise my claws on.

                    DEFRAG: Coughing up hairballs. Hey, it's just a little maintenance!

                    HYPERLINK: Fake hot dog filled with my favorite
                    pick-me-up: cat-nip.

                    SERVER: My human subject. You can't call them waitress,
                    or waiter, or slave anymore; it's not politically correct.

                    SHUT DOWN: Nap time - my favorite 16 hours of the day.

                    LAPTOP: Little ol' me. Certainly cuter, more useful,
                    valuable, and entertaining. and no batteries are required.

                    DEFAULT: Blame. If something gets broken around the house, don't look at
                    me! It's probably that human I have to share my house with, or the dog's
                    fault!

                    WINDOW: The best place to watch birds, squirrels, and that weird dog
                    next door eat out of the trash can and chase cars.

                    HOME PAGE: My papers - newspapers, that is, that I used
                    before graduating to the real kitty litter box. I think
                    they were the "Wanted: DOG" ads.

                    Cooperman


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                    Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

                    *********************************************

                    Remember 9/11/01
                  • b brabant
                    Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. A big hi to our friends in Alberta who are digging
                    Message 9 of 16 , Apr 27 10:55 AM
                    • 0 Attachment
                      Clean Clean


                      Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
                      name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

                      A big hi to our friends in Alberta who are digging out from two feet of
                      snow. Since no one has mentioned it , I will. I wonder if the War in
                      Iraq is affecting our weather patterns and forcing the Jet Stream to dip
                      lower on our side. Maybe if they dropped a couple of those MOAB's we
                      would have snow all the way down to Tijuana.

                      I downloaded XP pro onto my new computer yesterday. I went for the
                      upgrade version and paid out 200 dollars plus tax for it. it started to
                      install over Windows Me and then stopped and said it couldn't find one
                      of the files and wanted me to try another disc. We tried again a couple
                      of times and same error. Yeah right like I am going to spend another two
                      hundred just so Bill can laugh at me again. We popped in another XP disc
                      of shady origins and finished the download and then activated and
                      registered it using my 25 digit product code. I love XP Pro but I hate
                      Bill Gates and he hasn't heard the last about this either....buffalo

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                      ---------------------------------------------------------
                      A congregant asked his Rabbi, "Rabbi, you're a man of God. So why is it
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                      -------------------------------------------------------------
                      What your grandmother told you

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                      More Jewish Chips
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                      ----------------------------------------------------
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                      -----------------------------------------------------

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                      Medical Chips
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                      The Code of Ethical Behavior for Patients

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                      Zoology Chips
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                      Internet Chips
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                      A: They don't care.


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                      Knight Chips
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                      Bonus Chip
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                      Remember 9/11/01
                    • b brabant
                      Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. We have spent many hours in the Scuttlebutt arguing
                      Message 10 of 16 , May 4, 2003
                      • 0 Attachment
                        Clean Clean




                        Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
                        name is Buffalo and I have the watch.


                        We have spent many hours in the Scuttlebutt arguing between Democrats/
                        Republicans and Liberals / Conservatives. May 1st was my late father's
                        birthday. He was a Democrat , proud of the accomplishments of the
                        Democratic President's of his life time, such as Roosevelt and Kennedy.
                        Rightly so, as a man like JFK would have made as great a picture in his
                        day at the helm of an Aircraft Carrier as did our own President the
                        other day landing on one. Truth be said if another JFK ran today , I
                        might even be tempted to vote for him. One of my dad's greatest
                        possessions was a letter from Senator Edward Kennedy in response to
                        problem's at his Corps Of Engineer's job. You were not allowed to speak
                        bad against Ted in my home. So what is my point? My dad was more
                        conservative than I am. He was like Archie Bunker's brother in fact I
                        think that most Americans were during that era. Is the conservative and
                        Democrat hybrid still alive. You better believe they are. They are the
                        people who say," I didn't vote for President Bush, but I like the job he
                        is doing". I don't think that involvement in just one of the liberal
                        issues, such as unions. abortions, or socialized medicine makes a person
                        a liberal either. I think the lines are blurred today as they were
                        yesterday and most of are sitting on the fence conservative with maybe a
                        few liberal tendencies.

                        Have a good Sunday..buffalo

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                        Commandment Chips
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                        USA Today in its 3/10/03 edition had a large article on two Cowboy
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                        (2) Honor yer Ma &Pa.
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                        Women Chips
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                        When The Lord Made Woman

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                        own heart. She already heals herself when she
                        is sick AND can work 18 hr days. "

                        The Angel moved closer and touched the woman,
                        "but you have made her so soft, Lord."

                        "She is soft", the Lord agreed, "but I have also
                        made Her tough.You have no idea what she can
                        endure or accomplish.

                        "Will she be able to think?", asked the Angel .

                        The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think,
                        she will be able to reason, and negotiate."

                        The Angel then noticed something and reached
                        out and touched the woman's cheek.
                        "Oops, it looks like you have a leak with this model.
                        I told you that you were trying to put too much into
                        this one."

                        "That's not a leak," the Lord objected, "that's a tear!"

                        "What's the tear for?" the Angel asked. The Lord
                        said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy,
                        her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her
                        loneliness, her grief, and her pride."

                        The Angel was impressed. "You are a genius,
                        Lord. You thought of everything, for women are
                        truly amazing. Women have strengths that amaze
                        men. They carry hardships, they carry burdens
                        but they hold happiness, love and joy.

                        They smile when they want to scream. They sing
                        when they want to cry. They cry when they are
                        happy and laugh when they are nervous. They
                        fight for what they believe in. They stand up for
                        injustice.

                        They don't take "no" for an answer when they
                        believe there is a better solution. They go without
                        so their family can have .

                        They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
                        They love unconditionally. They cry when their
                        children excel and cheer when their friends get
                        awards. They are happy when they hear about
                        a birth or a new marriage. Their hearts break
                        when a friend dies.

                        They have sorrow at the loss of a family member,
                        yet they are strong when they think there is no
                        strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can
                        heal a broken heart.

                        Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes.
                        They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how
                        much they care about you. The heart of a woman is
                        what makes the world spin!

                        They bring joy and hope. They give compassion
                        and ideals. They give moral support to their family
                        and friends. Women have a lot to say and a lot to
                        give."


                        Dianne

                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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                        Ball Chips
                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                        REPLYING TO THE SCIENTISTS' BALL INVITATION
                        Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.

                        Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to
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                        Volta was electrified and Archimedes was buoyant at
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                        Ampere was worried he wasn't up on current research.

                        Ohm resisted the idea at first.

                        Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

                        Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.

                        Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.

                        Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.

                        Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could
                        get a flight.

                        Dr. Jekyll declined -- he hadn't been feeling himself
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                        Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop
                        now must dash."

                        Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it.

                        Hertz said he planned the future to attend with
                        greater frequency.

                        Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.

                        Audubon said he'd have to wing it.

                        Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together
                        to make a space in his schedule.

                        Darwin said he'd have to see what evolved.

                        Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?

                        Mendel was invited because he was a man of breeding.

                        Descartes said he'd think about it.

                        Newton was moved to attend.

                        Pavlov was drooling at the thought.

                        Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic
                        personality.


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                        Sight Chips
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                        W. says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were
                        Republicans. What's up?" "Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open
                        now."

                        George


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                        Golf Chips
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                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                        Medical Chips
                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                        A man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a
                        while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have
                        discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to
                        live." "But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better
                        in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?" After
                        a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street
                        to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day." Excitedly Bill
                        asked, "And that will cure me?" "No," Replied the doctor, "but it will
                        get you used to being covered in dirt."
                        ------------------------------------------------------------------
                        I was making rounds one morning with a physician when we
                        were interrupted by a co-worker who inquired about a patient's diet.
                        "Mrs. Jones does nothing but complain about her food," my co-worker
                        said. "She says the coffee tastes like mud." "Well, it should," the
                        doctor quipped. "It was fresh ground this morning."
                        -------------------------------------------------------------------
                        Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her
                        constipation. "It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a
                        week." "I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
                        "Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the
                        morning and again at night." "No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take
                        anything?" "Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."
                        ----------------------------------------------------------------------
                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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                        Toon Chips
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                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                        Medical Chips
                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                        A boy and his uncle were visiting the grave of the boy's grandmother. On
                        the way back to the car, the boy looked at a gravestone and asked his
                        uncle, "Do they sometimes bury two people in one grave?" "Of course
                        not," his uncle replied, "Whatever made you think that?" "Over there--"
                        the boy replied, pointing, "Look at that gravestone. It says, 'Here lies
                        a hospital administrator and an honest man."

                        ---------------------------------------------

                        My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in
                        the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open,
                        and he murmured, "You're beautiful." Flattered, I continued my vigil
                        while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're
                        cute." "What happened to 'beautiful'?" I asked him. "The drugs are
                        wearing off," he replied.

                        ------------------------------------------------

                        My nursing colleague was preparing an intravenous line for a 15-year-old
                        male patient. The bedside phone rang, and the boy's mother reached over
                        to pick it up. After talking for a few minutes, the mother held the
                        phone aside and said, "Your father wants to know if you have any cute
                        nurses." The boy gazed at the nurse, who had the needle poised above his
                        arm, ready for insertion. "Tell him," he replied, "they're absolutely
                        gorgeous."


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                        Parting Chips
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                        At a boat-rental concession, the manager went to the lake's edge and
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                        Big Al

                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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                        Bonus Chip
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                        I was shopping with my wife at a local supermarket and suddenly couldn't
                        find her. "I've lost my wife!" I muttered slightly louder than was
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                        people have all the luck."

                        big Al

                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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