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[buffalos-g-jokes] Chips For Tuesday

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  • William Brabant
    Jokelist chips (two-fer Tuesday) ... http://surf.to/jps_jungle_o_jokes You know you want to. jokinjpshumorhut-subscribe@onelist.com The most fun you can have
    Message 1 of 13 , Mar 1, 1999
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      Jokelist chips (two-fer Tuesday)
      ----------------------------------------------- Go ahead.
      http://surf.to/jps_jungle_o_jokes
      You know you want to.
      jokinjpshumorhut-subscribe@onelist.com
      The most fun you can have with your clothes on.
      -----------------------------------------------
      ******************************************* "The Rave" - Wide variety of
      clean to adult humor. To subscribe, visit this website:
      http://maxpages.com/therave or just mail a blank letter to:
      TheRave-subscribe@onelist.com
      -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- And NEW from Misty
      Kristi at The Rave: "Rave Pics" - Build yourself a HUGE collection of
      toons and pics... some clean, MOST naughty. Subscribe?? Use this addy:
      RavePics-subscribe@onelist.com
      -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-ORifyoucant handle the
      load of Rave Pics, try Rave Pics Lite on for size... only get 5 pics a
      day. Picked by Misty Kristi herself! RavePicsLite-subscribe@onelist.com
      ********************************************
      Test Chips (from Gerry at PAWS)
      -----------------------------------------------
      A quick test of intelligence. Don't cheat! Because if you did, the test
      would be no fun. I promise, there are no tricks to the test. Read this
      sentence:  FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE- SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF- IC
      STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.
      Now count aloud the F's in that sentence. Important, count them ONLY
      ONCE: Do not go back and count them again. See below...  Answer below:
       ANSWER:   There are six F's in the sentence. One of average
      intelligence finds three of them. If you spotted four,  you're above
      average. If you got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody. If you
      caught six, you are a genius. There is no catch. Many people forget the
      "OF"'s. The human brain tends to see them as V's and not F's.
      -----------------------------------------------
      Y1K Chips
      -----------------------------------------------
      An Article from a London Newspaper (circa 999 A.D.) Canterbury, England.
      A.D. 999 An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout Europe
      as the millennial year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the so-called
      "Y1K Bug," a menace which, until recently, hardly anyone had ever heard
      of. Prophets of doom are warning that the entire fabric of Western
      Civilization, based as it now is upon monastic computations, could
      collapse, and that there is simply not enough time left to fix the
      problem. Just how did this disaster-in-the-making ever arise? Why did no
      one anticipate that a change from a three-digit to a four-digit year
      would throw into total disarray all liturgical chants and all metrical
      verse in which any date is mentioned? Every formulaic hymn, prayer,
      ceremony, and incantation dealing with dated events will have to be
      re-written to accommodate three extra syllables. All tabular
      chronologies with three-space year columns, maintained for generations
      by scribes using carefully hand-ruled lines on vellum sheets, will now
      have to be converted to four-space columns, at enormous cost. In the
      meantime, the validity of every official event, from baptisms to
      burials, from confirmations to coronations, may be called into question.
      "We should have seen it coming ," says Brother Cedric of St. Michael
      Abbey, here in Canterbury. "What worries me most is that THOUSAND
      contains the word THOU, which occurs in nearly all our prayers, and of
      course always refers to God. Using it now in the name of the year will
      seem almost blasphemous, and is bound to cause terrible confusion. Of
      course, we could always use Latin, but that might be even worse -- The
      Latin word for Thousand is Mille which is the same as the Latin for
      mile. We won't know whether we are talking about time or distance!"
      Stonemasons are already reported threatening to demand a proportional
      pay increase for having to carve an extra numeral in all dates on
      tombstones, cornerstones and monuments. Together with its inevitable
      ripple effects, this alone could plunge the hitherto-stable medieval
      economy into chaos. A conference of clerics has been called at
      Winchester to discuss the entire issue, but doomsayers are convinced
      that the matter is now one of personal survival. Many families, in
      expectation of the worst, are stocking up on holy water and indulgences.
      -----------------------------------------------
      Whale Chips
      -----------------------------------------------
      An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual
      findings he had made. "For instance," he said, "some whales can
      communicate at a distance of 300 miles." "What on earth would one whale
      say to another 300 miles away?" asked a sarcastic member of the group.
        "I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but it sounds
      something like, 'Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww!?!
      -----------------------------------------------
      Nerd Chips
      -----------------------------------------------
      This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for
      a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying
      "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down.
      The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy.
      What do you do for a living?" The truck driver says, "I drive a truck,
      and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling." The bartender
      says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer. As he
      is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses,
      a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at
      least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a
      shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver said, totally shocked,
      "Why did you do that?" The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are
      overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need
      a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck,
      and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident,
      and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out
      all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming,
      grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and
      programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let
      them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he
      pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them
      instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of
      the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong?
      I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But
      you can't bait 'em."
      ooo--------------------------------------------
      Please send our jokes out to your friends or use them any way you see
      fit ............ All of our jokes are collected from various sites on
      the net and are believed to be public domain .. If you hold copyright on
      any of these jokes please inform us so we may give you proper credit. We
      gratefully accept submissions and will print them with your name . You
      may also send your homepages and Favorite Links and we will use them
      also
      -----------------------------------------------
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    • William Brabant
      Jokelist Chips ... **** YOU VE GOT MAIL! **** Test your brain power! Or, sit back and enjoy a good joke! Why not both? We have free daily emails of riddles,
      Message 2 of 13 , Mar 15, 1999
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        Jokelist Chips
        -----------------------------------------------
        **** YOU'VE GOT MAIL! ****
        Test your brain power! Or, sit back and enjoy a good joke! Why not both?
        We have free daily emails of riddles, jokes, words, recipes and fun
        links. We also have games, freebies and sweepstakes.
                                  
        !!FREE!! Daily Fun !!FREE!!     ---------------
        http://www.riddlesandmore.com -----------------
                         mail to:
        invitation@...
        ----------------------------------------
        Exam Chips
        -----------------------------------------------
        Introductory Chemistry has been taught at Duke for about a zillion years
        professor Bonk (really)...he has been around forever. Anyway, one year
        these two guys took the class and did pretty well on all the quizzes and
        mid-terms-so much so that going into the final, they each had a solid A.
        These two friends were so confident going into the final, that the
        weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday),
        they decided to go to U. of VA and party with some friends up there. So
        they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and
        everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to
        Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they
        found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him how they
        missed the final...they told him they went up to U VA for the weekend
        and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat
        tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't fix it for a
        long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this
        over and agreed that they could take the final the following day. The
        two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the next
        day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate
        rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
        They looked at the first problem which was something simple about
        molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought,
        "this is going to be easy". They then turned the page. They were
        unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said only...
        (95 points) Which tire? -----------------------------------------------
        English Chips
        -----------------------------------------------
           A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In
        English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some
        languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a
        negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can
        form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah,
        right." -----------------------------------------------
        Man Upstairs Chips
        -----------------------------------------------
        A young Evangelist had just started his first full time job. He was
        unsettled one morning when he heard a church member boasting how he had
        used a radar detector to avoid getting ticketed for speeding. Moments
        later, however, he was pleased to hear another parishioner tell the man
        in a somber tone, "It's the man upstairs you need to be worried about."
        The young evangelist was just about to chime in with a comment about
        honesty when the second man added, "That guy in the helicopter will get
        you every time!" -----------------------------------------------
        Blonde Chips
        -----------------------------------------------
        A phone company put an ad in the paper that they are recruiting workers.
        The next day, two groups of workers show up- a crew of five Italian men
        and a crew of five blonde women. The company cannot decide who to give
        the job to, so they give them a test. The company boss says, "Each crew
        will receive a telephone pole that they must install into the ground.
        Whoever is able to hammer it in first, they will get the job." Both
        groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the Company
        trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back. A few hours
        pass, and finally, at 5:00, the Italian crew returns. "YAY!!" they
        shout. "We came back first, we get the job!!" "Good work, men," says the
        boss, "However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make
        sure that the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic, or that
        the truck broke down." "Fine, no problem," say the men. An hour passes,
        two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 12:00, the Blonde crew arrive.
        All the group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone
        through harsh labor. "What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the
        boss incredulously. "What do you mean, 'what took so long'?? Do we get
        the job?" "YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!"
        "Well, of course they were," say the blondes. "They only put the pole in
        halfway!!" -----------------------------------------------
        Programmer Chips
        -----------------------------------------------
        A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an
        airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants
        to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely
        declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and
        explains that it's a real easy game. He explains,"I ask a question and
        if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and
        if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely
        declines and tries to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated,
        says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't
        know the answer I pay you $50! " Now, that got the Engineer's attention,
        so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question,
        "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't
        say a word and just hands the Programmer $5. Now, its the Engineer's
        turn. He asks the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and
        comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look,
        takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and
        after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The
        Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away and tries to return to
        sleep. The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to
        the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet,
        hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.
        ooo--------------------------------------------
        Please send our jokes out to your friends or use them any way you see
        fit ............ All of our jokes are collected from various sites on
        the net and are believed to be public domain .. If you hold copyright on
        any of these jokes please inform us so we may give you proper credit. We
        gratefully accept submissions and will print them with your name . You
        may also send your homepages and Favorite Links and we will use them
        also
        -----------------------------------------------
        SUBSCRIBE /UNSUBSCRIBE INFO
        -----------------------------------------------
        Adult Chips ....... To subscribe, send a message to:
        buffalos-adult-jokes-subscribe@egroups.com To unsubscribe send a blank
        e-mail to:
        buffalos-adult-jokes-unsubscribe@egroups.com  G..Chips : To subscribe,
        send a blank message to:
        buffalos-g-jokes-subscribe@egroups.com....to unsubscribe send a blank
        e-mail to:
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      • William Brabant
        Personal note to everyone from Buffalo, I have a friend that runs a LARGE joke mailing list that I think you will like.  He sends out a lot of jokes 5-6 times
        Message 3 of 13 , Apr 26 6:54 PM
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          Personal note to everyone from Buffalo,
          I have a friend that runs a LARGE joke mailing list that I think you
          will like.  He sends out a lot of jokes 5-6 times a week.  Mostly
          stuff that you haven't seen before so like me, he is an original. Do
          yourself and me a favor, to sign up for this awesome FREE list, go to
          his webpage to subscribe: http://www.eds-jokelist.com If you don't
          have web access, you can e-mail Ed at ed@... and he will
          add you manually. I think you'll thank me later for this bit of advice.
          Buffalo

          ------------------------------------------------------
          Lawyer Chips
          -----------------------------------------------
          A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned
          in the will:  "To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough
          times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."  The
          lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in
          sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the
          business and $1 million."  The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin
          Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never
          mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"
          ----------------------------------------------- Win a 3-D Internet PC!
          It's a Pure Power Computer!         Do you dream of Pentium III,
                    Care to spin 6x DVD ROM drive?      
          Does 500 MHz make you drool?               
                    How about 19" monitor? Win a Compaq Presario today!
          Click below!     This offer expires at noon 6/17/99!
          http://www.afreeplace.com/chips/compaq.htm
          ------------------------------------------------------
          Candle Chips -----------------------------------------------
          Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming
          in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty. "Hello," said the
          Father, "And hows Mrs. O'Donovan, didn't I marry you two years ago?"
          "You did that, Father." "And are there any little ones yet?" "No, not
          yet, Father." Said she. "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and
          I'll light a candle for you." "Thank-you, Father." And away she went. A
          few years later they met again. "Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the
          Father, "how are you?" "Oh, very well," said she. "And tell me," he
          said, "have you any little ones yet?" "Oh yes, Father. I've had three
          sets of twins, and four singles - ten" in all." "Now isn't that
          wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely husband?" "Oh," she said,
          "he's over in Rome to blow that bloody candle out!"
          ------------------------------------------------------ LynnLynns Links
          ...Guardian Angel
          ------------------------------------------------------
          A little Feel Good sit efor you to check out
          http://members.aol.com/Krissin/angel1.html
          ------------------------------------------------------
          Pun Chips (From Stan Kegel) Sinatra
          ------------------------------------------------------ Many people are
          unaware that Frank Sinatra was an ecologist. He found out that the herds
          of animals in Africa were being forced off their native lands into game
          reserves where they were more apt to be eaten by their natural enemies
          due to the crowded conditions.               
          These animals would congregate around lakes and other bodies of water,
          but had nowhere to run if they were attacked by their foes. This
          resulted in abnormal losses in the herds.           
              Frank, upon finding out about this, donated a LOT of money to
          trying to find out where there may be some open land to put the animals
          so they wouldn't be so crowded. Frank's idea was to go to the watering
          holes and load the animals on large barges and take them to other lands
          and then set them free.                In order to
          accomplish this, he had to finance his work through a best-selling song
          about it. We've all heard the song before. It starts out . . . "Start
          spreading the Gnus..." The title of the song was, of course, . . . "New
          Ark, New Ark." -----------------------------------------------
          Magazine Chips
          ------------------------------------------------------
          ATLANTIC MONTHLY PLACES YOU AT
          THE LEADING EDGE OF CONTEMPORARY ISSUES...       FREE TRIAL ISSUE!
          Plus the very best in fiction, travel, food and humor. The Atlantic
          explores the issues people are not just talking about, but living! Try
          your risk-free issue today! http://www.afreeplace.com/xxx/atlantic.htm
          ------------------------------------------------------
          Password Chips ----------------------------------------------- While
          my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his
          ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran
          into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's
          password! I know Daddy's password!" "What is it? her sisters asked
          eagerly. Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk,
          asterisk!" ----------------------------------------------- Leroy Chips
          ----------------------------------------------- Little Leroy went to
          his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should
          take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Leroy, it
          isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you a
          new bike. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one
          instead." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He
          finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus. It said "Dear Jesus, I've
          been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your
          Friend, Leroy" Now Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy
          he was (a BRAT!), so, he ripped up the letter and decided to give it
          another try. "Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year and I would like
          a new bicycle. Yours Truly, Leroy" Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally
          honest, so he tore it up and tried again. "Dear Jesus, I've thought
          about being a good boy this year and would love a new bicycle. Leroy"
          Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his
          mother really wanted. He crumpled up the letter threw it in the trash
          can and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about, depressed
          because of the way he treated his parents and really considered his
          actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. Leroy
          went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should
          do. Leroy finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking
          at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out
          the door. He went home and hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.
          "Dear Jesus, I've broken most of the Ten Commandments, shot spit wads in
          school, tore up my sister's Barbie doll and lots more. I'm desperate.
          I've got your mama! If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.
          You know who."
          ------------------------------------------------------
          Disaster Chips
          ------------------------------------------------------
          "Oh, No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his
          40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have
          survived he did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the
          overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the
          slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene.
          He took a deep breath and proceeded. Walking was virtually impossible
          with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly.
          "Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell
          several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought
          he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt
          his gut tighten. He couldn't understand how this could have happened.
          There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and
          wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away. In desperation, he took
          another step then cried out, "Danny!" From a nearby pile of
          unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice
          so weak he could hardly hear. "It's time to get up and get ready for
          school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room."
          ALO ---------------------------------------------- Please send our
          jokes out to your friends or use them any way you see fit ............
          All of our jokes are collected from various sites on the net and are
          believed to be public domain .. If you hold copyright on any of these
          jokes please inform us so we may give you proper credit. We gratefully
          accept submissions and will print them with your name . You may also
          send your homepages and Favorite Links to LynnLynn2@... for
          submission in the lists......
          ----------------------------------------------- SUBSCRIBE /UNSUBSCRIBE
          INFO ----------------------------------------------- Adult Chips
          ....... To subscribe, send a message to:
          buffalos-adult-jokes-subscribe@egroups.com To unsubscribe send a blank
          e-mail to: buffalos-adult-jokes-unsubscribe@egroups.com  G..Chips : To
          subscribe, send a blank message to:
          buffalos-g-jokes-subscribe@egroups.com....to unsubscribe send a blank
          e-mail to:
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        • William Brabant
          Personal note to all the new subscribers   from Buffalo, ( Iknow all of the old ones have alredy joined this list) I have a friend that runs a LARGE joke
          Message 4 of 13 , May 3, 1999
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            Personal note to all the new subscribers   from Buffalo, ( Iknow all
            of the old ones have alredy joined this list) I have a friend that runs
            a LARGE joke mailing list that I think you will like.  He sends out a
            lot of jokes 5-6 times a week.  Mostly stuff that you haven't seen
            before so like me, he is an original. Do yourself and me a favor, to
            sign up for this awesome FREE list, go to his webpage to subscribe:
            http://www.eds-jokelist.com If you don't have web access, you can e-mail
            Ed at ed@... and he will add you manually. I have
            subscribed to this list for nine months and I think you'll thank me
            later for this bit of advice. Buffalo
            ------------------------------------------------------------
            Newt Chips
            -------------------------------------------------------------
            A guy walks in a bar with a newt on his shoulder and orders a pint and a
            half of beer. He proceeds to drink the pint and gives the half to the
            newt which drinks it thirstily. The bar tender watches this with
            interest. This happens on the next two days when the newt is given
            whiskey and then rum. On the third occasion, the barman remarks, "I have
            never seen a pet like that before, it is fantastic. What do you call
            it?" The customer replies, "I call it TINY." "Oh, why is that?" asks
            the barman. The reply was, "Because it is my newt!"
            -------------------------------------------------------------
            Hi everyone again ... I got a little carried away last night and put too
            many ads in the jokes .. These sweepstakes are popular and quite a few
            have signed up already and I am hoping someday one of you will write and
            say ... I won the trip to mexico and I'm a beautiful blondde ..,.Would
            you like to go with me??? Hey even buffalos dream right but give them a
            try....You know I'd take you with me.....
            ----------------------------------------------- Beautiful Ixtapa Mexico
            is waiting for YOU! Spend 7 nights and 8 days at the Dorado Pacifico, a
            majestic oceanfront hotel. Enjoy: • Balcony or patio with Oceanview.
            • 3 bars and 4 restaurants on site. • Lobby bar with live
            entertainment. • Large swimming pool/ swim-up bar. • Children's pool
            with slide. • Hammocks in gardens. This offer expires at noon
            7/12/99! http://www.afreeplace.com/chips/ixtapa.htm
            -----------------------------------------------------------
            Origin of Sayings Chips
            ------------------------------------------------------------
            Life in the 1500's:
            Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in
            May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were
            starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the
            b.o. Baths equalled a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the
            house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons
            and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the
            babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually loose someone
            in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water".
            Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high, with no wood
            underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the
            pets... dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs lived in
            the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals
            would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats
            and dogs," There was nothing to stop things from falling into the
            house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other
            droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. So, they found if
            they made beds with big posts and hung a sheet over the top, it
            addressed that problem. Hence those beautiful big 4 poster beds with
            canopies. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than
            dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor". The wealthy had slate floors which
            would get slippery in the winter when wet. So they spread thresh on the
            floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they kept adding
            more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping
            outside. A piece of wood was placed at the entry way, hence a "thresh
            hold". Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special
            when that happened. When company came over, they would bring out some
            bacon and hang it up to show it off. It was a sign of wealth and that a
            man "could really bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to
            share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat." Those
            with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content
            caused some of the lead to leach onto the food. This happened most often
            with tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes... for 400 years. Most
            people didn't have pewter plates, but had trenchers - a piece of wood
            with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trenchers were never washed and
            a lot of times worms got into the wood. After eating off wormy
            trenchers, they would get "trench mouth." Bread was divided according
            to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the
            middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust". Lead cups were
            used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them
            out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them
            for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen
            table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat
            and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of
            holding a "wake". England is old and small and they started running out
            of places to bury people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take
            their bones to a house and re-use the grave. In reopening these coffins,
            one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and
            they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they
            would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up
            through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out
            in the graveyard all night to listen for the bell. Hence on the
            "graveyard shift" they would know that someone was "saved by the bell"
            or he was a "dead ringer".
            --------------------------------------------------------
            LynnLynn's Links
            Today's website is for the aspirig writer, a forum where you can post
            your material , join the mailing list or just go to enjoy a short
            story.. The stories here run from religous to erotic ( love not sex )
            but don't take my word .. Visit it and be sure to sign Roxanne's guest
            book and tell her what you think ..the url is..
            http://rblendow.com/Open.html.
            ---------------------------------------------------------
            Pennace Chips
            ----------------------------------------------------------
            A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the
            confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building
            supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" his
            priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's
            house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."
            "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a
            far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I
            haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the
            lumber."
            ---------------------------------------------------------
            Mice Chips
            -----------------------------------------------------------
            One of our local papers features a column titled "Newsquirks" comprising
            selected quirky news items. A recent column included the following.
            Suffolk, Va., high school student David Merrell finished first in
            regional and state science fairs by demonstrating the effects of music
            on lab mice. After the mice ran through a maze in about 10 minutes,
            Merrell played classical music to one group and heavy metal to another
            for 10 hours a day. After three weeks, the mice exposed to classical
            music made it through the maze in a minute and a half. The rock-music
            group took 30 minutes. Merrell added he "had to cut my project short
            because all the hard-rock mice killed each other. None of the classical
            mice did that."
            ------------------------------------------------------------
            Religion Chips ( From Uncle Tim )
            -----------------------------------------------------------=
            A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was
            about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely
            lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish  faith.
            To remedy this he sent his son to Israel to experience
            his heritage. A year later the young man returned home. 
            "Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our
            Fathers," the son said.  "It was wonderful and
            enlightening, however, I must confess that while in
            Israel I converted to Christianity."
            "Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done."  So
            in the tradition of the patriarchs he went to his best
            friend and sought his advice and solace.
            "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated
            his friend, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned
            a Christian."
            So in the tradition of the patriarchs they went to the Rabbi. 
            "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi,
            "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. 
             What is happening to our sons?"  Brothers, we must take
            this to the Lord," said the Rabbi.
            They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their
            hearts to the Almighty.  As they prayed the clouds above
            opened and a mighty voice stated,
            "Amazing that you should come to Me.  I, too, sent My Son to
             Israel....."
            Deacon Don Bourgeois
            Archdiocese of New Orleans
            ALO-ALO-ALO-ALO-ALO-ALO-ALO-ALO-ALO
              Please send our jokes out to your friends or use them any way you
            see fit ............ All of our jokes are collected from various sites
            on the net and are believed to be public domain .. If you hold copyright
            on any of these jokes please inform us so we may give you proper credit.
            We gratefully accept submissions and will print them with your name .
            You may also send your homepages and Favorite Links to
            LynnLynn@... for submission in the lists......
            ----------------------------------------------- SUBSCRIBE /UNSUBSCRIBE
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          • William Brabant
            Jokelist Chips One of my favorites ~~~~~~~~~~~~~http://www.rcjokelist.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FREE!                         FREE!      
            Message 5 of 13 , May 17, 1999
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              Jokelist Chips One of my favorites
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~http://www.rcjokelist.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              FREE!
                                      FREE!        
                                    FREE! FREE laughs! FREE
              humor! FREE jokes sent daily to your e-mail box! Join people from over
              120 countries and get your daily dose of laughter! Subscribe to Rodney
              And Cathy's Joke List and join the world wide fun! To subscribe e-mail
              rcjokelist-on@... or visit http://www.rcjokelist.com to sign
              up on line.                Guaranteed to make you
              laugh or your money back!

              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~http://www.rcjokelist.com~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              Genie Chips
              ----------------------------------------------------
              This guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across a
              salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the
              salt. Lo and behold, it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff
              it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared. This genie,
              like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted
              the guy three wishes. "Genie, I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill
              Gates," says the guy. The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until
              the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up
              Forbes from inside the lamp he learned that Bill Gates was indeed the
              richest man in the world. "Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a
              dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish?" "Genie, I want
              the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on-board GPS, and the
              finest audio system ever installed in an automobile." "That's easy,
              Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand, and best car anybody has ever
              seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third
              wish. The guy mulls the problem over and over. The guy just can't
              decide what to wish for. "Genie," the guy says, "I can't think of
              anything now. May I save the third wish for later?" "Gee, guy, this is
              most unusual. But you hold the hammer -- I can't escape from this lamp
              until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready." And whoosh, the
              genie disappears into the lamp. The guy carefully picks up the
              now-ever-so-valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine
              red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds, and makes all
              the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to
              his ears. After that, he pulls off the beach and heads south along the
              Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he's doing 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche
              handles perfectly. The guy is so happy that he begins to sing along with
              the familiar commercial on the radio. "Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Meyer
              Wiener ....." **POOF**

              ------------------------------------------------------

              [][][]   L o s t   A t   S e a   [][][]
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              transatlantic voyage from South Hampton to Miami with stops in France
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              the Gerry Mulligan All-Star Tribute Band plus jazz harpist Corky Hale.
              Prices range from $1583 to $2438 per person, double occupancy. Special
              air fares from most gateway cities available. For details and booking
              info contact Entertainment & Travel Alternatives, 505 Jocelyn Hollow
              Court, Nashville, TN 37205 or call (615) 356-0702 and start packing!

              -----------------------------------------------------

              College Chips
              -----------------------------------------------------
              A Tucson building contractor, discussing paint schemes with a couple,
              asked which color they had picked for their kitchen. The lady responded
              with vanilla white. "No problem," the U of A grad replied as he opened
              the window and screamed out, "GREEN SIDE UP." The couple didn't think
              much of it and proceeded to the living room. The U of A grad then asked
              which color they had decided on for the living room and they replied
              with hazelnut beige. At that point, the U of A grad opened the window
              and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP." The couple worried at this point but not
              saying anything followed the contractor into the master bedroom. The
              contractor asked what color they wanted the bedroom painted and they
              indicated pure white was their favorite. Once again, the contractor
              opened the window and blasted, "GREEN SIDE UP." That's when the lady
              spoke, "Sir, we've been in three rooms, each a different color, but you
              scream 'green side up' after we tell you a color for the room, what's
              up?" "I'm sorry," the contractor said, "I should have told you before
              we started, I've got a couple of ASU grads laying sod outside."
              ---------------------------------------------------


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              offer expires at noon 7/15/99! http://www.afreeplace.com/chips/nz.htm OR
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              -----------------------------------------------------

              Political Chips
              ------------------------------------------------------
              A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for
              promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a
              brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.
              After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the
              center's director that he was an acceptable candidate. "That's great!"
              the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really
              expensive." "Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of an
              accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of
              an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate
              president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a Democrat's brain is
              seventy-five thousand dollars." "Seventy-five thousand dollars for an
              ounce of a Democrat's brain?? Why on earth is that?" "Do you have any
              idea," the director asked, "how many Democrats we would have to kill?"

              ----------------------------------------------------
              LynnLynn's Links ....... The Billenium
              ----------------------------------------------------
              A powerful site bringing together all the
              phrophecies .... Check it out

              http://www.billennium.com/c/cda.htm

              ----------------------------------------------------

              Divorce Chips
              ---------------------------------------------------
              A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to
              himself. "Sorry, he doesn't live here anymore, we're divorced!" Next
              day, the guy does the same thing with the same results. He does this
              everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that
              keeps calling. "Look, Bozo! We're divorced! Finito! End of story! When
              are you going to get that through your fat head?" "Oh, I know! I just
              can't hear it enough!"

              ------------------------------------------------------

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              Plus the very best in fiction, travel, food and humor. The Atlantic
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              your risk-free issue today! http://www.afreeplace.com/chips/atlantic.htm
              OR http://www.1freeplace.com/chips/atlantic.htm
              ----------------------------------------------------


              Sleeping Pill Chips (From Night Bliss )
              ------------------------------------------------------
              An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor's office.
              "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and
              all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep." "I have good news for
              you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample
              medications.   " Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a
              dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over." "Great," the man
              answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot." A few weeks later
              the man returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good.
              I'm more tired than before!" "I don't understand how that could be,
              said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on
              the market!" "That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm up
              all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's heck
              getting him to swallow the pill!!!"

              -----------------------------------------------------

              ALO-ALO-ALO-ALO-ALO-ALO-ALO-ALO-ALO
                Please send our jokes out to your friends or use them any way you
              see fit ............ All of our jokes are collected from various sites
              on the net and are believed to be public domain .. If you hold copyright
              on any of these jokes please inform us so we may give you proper credit.
              We gratefully accept submissions and will print them with your name .
              You may also send your homepages and Favorite Links to
              LynnLynn@... for submission in the lists......
              ----------------------------------------------- SUBSCRIBE /UNSUBSCRIBE
              INFO ----------------------------------------------- Adult Chips
              ....... To subscribe, send a message to:
              buffalos-adult-jokes-subscribe@egroups.com G..Chips : To subscribe,
              send a blank message to: buffalos-g-jokes-subscribe@egroups.com....to
              unsubscribe send a blank e-mail to:
              buffalos-g-jokes-unsubscribe@egroups.com


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            • William Brabant
              Jokelist Chips ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Join The Funny Bone Mailing Lists           `. `   /´
              Message 6 of 13 , Jun 7, 1999
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                Jokelist Chips
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Join The Funny Bone Mailing Lists           `. `   /´
                                                                          
                  offering 3 unique ASCII art illustrated humor lists     |  
                |   filled with gags, funny stories, hilarious jokes,     _|66 |
                         useless trivia, and tons of chuckles & grins  
                    (__, |
                                                                          L
                                         
                            Subscribe Now                
                          | |
                                                                          
                                         
                            They're Free!                
                        |   |
                                                                          
                                 
                http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/           /     '.
                                                                       


                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Vet Chips
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He
                surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him
                after an encounter with a porcupine. After almost an hour of prying,
                pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who
                asked what she owed. "Fifteen dollars, Ma'am, " he answered. "Why
                that's simply outrageous! " she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you
                Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors.
                Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"
                "Raise porcupines, Ma'am. "

                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Tempur-Pedic is not just another evolutionary sleep product that is
                slightly modified from the original spring or air mattresses.
                Tempur-Pedic is truly the revolution in sleep surfaces the world has
                been waiting for. Get a Free Video and Sample of the material today
                Request it today at http://www.bachsys.com/cgi-bin/temper.pl?buffalos


                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Mugger Chips
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Late one night in the capitol city a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped
                into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give
                me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You
                can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!" "In that case," replied the
                robber, "give me MY money!"

                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Shark cartlidge has been proven to halt a wide range of cancers dead in
                their tracks. Learn how it can benefit you today with our Free
                Information and No obligation of any kind. Request this information
                today at

                http://www.bachsys.com/cgi-bin/thn.pl?buffalos


                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                Military Chips
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                An old Sailor and an old Marine were sitting at the VFW arguing about
                who'd had the tougher career. "I did 30 years in the Corps," the Marine
                declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars.  Fresh
                out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-
                soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest
                with a single grenade. "As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside
                General MacArthur.  We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all
                the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery
                and small arms fire. "Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three
                consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and
                razorgrass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking
                under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night.  In a firefight,
                we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge
                the enemy with bayonets!" "Ah," said the Sailor with a dismissive wave
                of his hand, "all shore duty, huh?"

                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                organizations in the country -- the PGA TOUR Partners Club -- and
                receive a six-ball sleeve of Top Flite golf balls absolutely free! Get
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                more! Signup for your free trial at:
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                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Russian Chips
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                A Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After
                choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit
                surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the
                new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but
                as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you
                know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks.
                The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two
                years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out
                again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again. "Could you
                possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will
                arrive?" The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says
                that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday. The man
                thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway though the
                door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman. "I'm
                sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years
                from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?" Visibly
                irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and
                says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on
                Thursday. "That's a relief!" says the man. "The plumber is coming in
                the morning!"

                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                LynnLynn's Links Love Letter
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                A little something to send to a "special person"

                http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Location/8505/love6.html

                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Buffalo here , poetry works for me too my favorite is roses are red
                ,buttercups are yellow, you can join my herd , as long as you ain't a
                fellow

                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                English Chips
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Seated next to a blowhard at a United Nations dinner was an Oriental
                fellow dressed in the robes of one of the Far Eastern countries.  The
                blowhard, attempting to make conversation, leaned over and said: "You
                like soupee?"
                The Oriental fellow nodded his head.
                "You like steakee?"
                The Oriental nodded again.
                As it turned out, the guest speaker at the dinner was our Oriental
                friend who got up and delivered a beautiful 50-minute address on the
                United Nations' definition of "encouragement to self-reliance" by
                underdeveloped countries of the world. The speech was flawless in
                Oxford English.
                He returned to his place at the head of the table, sat down, and turned
                to his dinner partner and said, "You like speechee?"

                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                ALO-ALO-ALO-ALO-ALO-ALO-ALO-ALO-ALO
                  Please send our jokes out to your friends or use them any way you
                see fit ............ All of our jokes are collected from various sites
                on the net and are believed to be public domain .. If you hold copyright
                on any of these jokes please inform us so we may give you proper credit.
                We gratefully accept submissions and will print them with your name .
                You may also send your homepages and Favorite Links to
                LynnLynn@... for submission in the lists......
                ----------------------------------------------- SUBSCRIBE /UNSUBSCRIBE
                INFO ----------------------------------------------- Adult Chips .......
                To subscribe, send a message to:
                buffalos-adult-jokes-subscribe@egroups.com  G..Chips : To subscribe,
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                ....to unsubscribe send a blank
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              • William Brabant
                Jokelist Chips This is an all new list that just started on egroups yesterday and is moderated by one of the best contributors this list has had .. please give
                Message 7 of 13 , Nov 29, 1999
                • 0 Attachment
                  Jokelist Chips

                  This is an all new list that just started on egroups yesterday and is
                  moderated by one of the best contributors this list has had .. please
                  give it a try

                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  A1Fun Jokelist
                  WANTED: People who LOVE jokes,toons,riddles and a lot of mail !!!!!
                  Interactive jokelist unlike any you have seen !!!! YOU run the show!!!
                  Send us your best stuff and share with others!! Chat with people all
                  over the world as you get the freshest, best jokes and more online!! You
                  must be able to handle a high volume of mail !! Anything accepted except
                  Exe and zip files
                  !! Adults only please. Come join the fun ...we want contributers please
                  NO lurkers!! Sign up now ! Just send a blank E Mail to:
                  A1Fun-subscribe@egroups.com

                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  Hot Chips
                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  I was working in a scrap yard in Southern England during summer vacation
                  at an engineering university. I used to work repairing construction
                  equipment.
                  One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very
                  large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the
                  bolt; to free it, I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch.
                  As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known
                  came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if
                  I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt
                  so I could then remove it.
                  "So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked. Suddenly,
                  an idea flashed into my mind (I know not from where.) "Yes," I said,
                  "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."
                  There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always
                  wondered about that," he said

                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  Toon TIme~~~
                  Throughout the ages Man has ruled the earth. A recent scientific
                  discovery may hold the key to
                  Man's future, and a sign of things to come. Teehehe.. Find out what
                  husbands everywhere already know.
                    Click here for the answer and more tune fun !!
                  http://www.localbizwiz.com/toons/auth
                  <a href="http://www.localbizwiz.com/toons/auth">AOL</a>

                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  Texas Chips
                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  A Texas billionaire had a valet named George, who often made use of the
                  Texan's castoff clothing. George had his eye on a pair of tan trousers
                  that were not wearing out fast enough to suit him, so he rubbed some
                  grease on one knee. When his employer asked if he'd noticed the grease
                  George told him that the had tried unsuccessfully to remove it.
                        "Did you try gasoline?" the billionaire asked.
                        "Yes, sir," replied George, "But it didn't work."
                        "How about a brown paper bag and a hot iron?"
                        "No luck there either. In fact, I've tried everything
                  I know."
                        "Have you tried ammonia?"
                        "Oh, no, sir!" exclaimed George. "I've never tried
                  them on - but I know
                      they'll fit."

                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  Get your *Local* news AND *Forecast* by email! -- Available for all US
                  Cities with more than 100,000 people!
                  Mailto:aecnews-CITY-ST-subscribe@..., but replace CITY-ST with
                  the name of your nearest city. (ex. Omaha-NE) or visit
                  http://AECNews.homepage.com for more information

                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  Cab Chips
                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  A well dressed businessman got into a Manhattan cab and asked to be
                  taken to LaGuardia. While stuck in the traffic jam, the businessman
                  leaned forward and said, "How's your spirit of adventure?" "What do you
                  mean?"
                  "Well, I have to be in Chicago for a meeting, but the thought of flying
                  there just bores me to tears. Why not drive me there? The meeting is
                  only an hour. I'll pay the gas, tolls, your hotel room, meals, and then
                  you can drive me back tomorrow."
                  The driver said, "Sure, why not?" and off they went. They motored
                  through Jersey, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, and finally into Chicago.
                  The businessman did his meeting (while the cabbie waited) came out, got
                  back into the cab and they took off to the hotel. They shared a huge
                  meal, the businessman paid for two rooms. The next morning, they took
                  off back towards Manhattan. When they arrived, the meter read $4,632.85.
                  When they got back to the businessman's office, the man told the cabbie,
                  "Let me go in the bank here and I'll get you a certified check. I'll
                  make it for $5000 so you'll get a sizable tip for your trouble."
                  "Great," the cab driver said, "Thanks."
                  "One last thing. When I give you the check, I'd like you to drive me
                  home, please."
                  "Where's that?"
                  "Brooklyn."
                  "No way!!! I'd have to drive back over the bridge without a passenger!"

                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  LynnLynn's Links
                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  Visit The Muppets Child Safe
                  http://www.muppets.com/

                  Spelling Test
                  http://www.sentex.net/~mmcadams/spelling.html

                  Twas The Night Before Y2K
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                  Mistletoe Tag
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                  Evaluation of a Terminal User
                  http://www.geocities.com/SiliconValley/Orchard/5108/559.html

                  Season Greeting
                  http://www.funone.com/funone/nativity/

                  FunOne.com
                  http://www.funone.com

                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  Blonde Chips
                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  "Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw me walking down the
                  hallway at work.
                  "Hear what" I asked, my curiosity peaked. "The regional vice president
                  died this morning!" "What?!" I asked, totally stunned. "What happened?"
                  "He was working through lunch when he had a heart attack" Jim began
                  explaining. "Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the one."
                  "Boy do I. She's that young blonde babe." "Yeah that's the one. Turns
                  out she isn't too smart, though." "What do you mean?" I asked.
                  "He kept yelling at her to 'call 9 1 1'. She just stood there waiting
                  for him to give her the rest of the phone number."

                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  Hose Chips
                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  Newly arrived in Beverly Hills from West Virginia Rufus got a job as a
                  gardener. At the end of his first day on the job, he knocked on the door
                  and his boss, Mr. Mayer, answered.
                  "Mister Mayer, sir, do you know where I kin find me sum hose?" Mayer
                  shrugged, "We keep it in the garage, of course." "Ah," Rufus sighed.
                  "Thas Bev'ly Hills for ya. In Wes Vaginnie, ah hadda go all the way to
                  the street cornuh."



                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  Wrestling Fans

                  Starman Wrestling Newsletter. It covers WWF, WCW, ECW and more. It has
                  news, tv reports, columns and more. It comes out about 3-5 days a week.
                  To subscribe, e-mail
                  taylor2321@...


                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  E-mail-Ezines-Newsletters ~~ No matter what you call them 
                                      !THEY'RE FREE!
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                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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                    Please send our jokes out to your friends or use them any way you
                  see fit   All of our jokes are collected from various sites on the net
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                  these jokes please inform us so we may give you proper credit. We
                  gratefully accept submissions and will print them with your name .
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                • William Brabant
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                    Psych Chips
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    A wild-eyed man dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right
                    hand inside his coat entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously
                    exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."
                    "I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch and tell
                    me your problem."
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                    France I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power --
                    everything! But I'm afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental
                    trouble."
                    "I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. "And
                    what seems to be her main problem?"
                    "For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's
                    Mrs. Schwartz."

                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    Featured List
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    20579
                      =================== CARTOONS! ==============
                    Cartoons, The Visual Joke! Better than a joke list! *Plus Jokes, HUNK OF
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                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    Professional Chips
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was
                    very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to
                    get some medication for her daughter. When returning to her car she
                    found she had locked her keys in the car.
                    She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter, she didn't know
                    what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had
                    happened and she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that
                    her daughter was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger
                    and use that to open the door."
                    The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been
                    thrown down on the ground possibly by someone else who at some time or
                    other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger
                    and said, "I don't know how to use this." So she bowed her head and
                    asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car
                    pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old
                    biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "Great God. This is what
                    you sent to help me????" But, she was desperate, so she was also very
                    thankful.
                    The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said
                    "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and
                    I locked my keys in my car, I must get home to her. Please, can you use
                    this hanger to unlock my car." He said, "SURE." He walked over to the
                    car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.
                    She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "THANK YOU SO
                    MUCH..... You are a very nice man."
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                    today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an
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                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    Prank Chips

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                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    Pound 23 Chips
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    My appetite is my shepherd, I shall not want It maketh me to sit down
                    and stuff myself. It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly. It
                    leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper. It destroyeth my
                    shape.
                    Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating For the food
                    tasteth so good.
                    The ice cream and cookies, they comfort me. When the table is spread
                    before me, it exciteth me, For I knoweth that soon I shall dig in.
                    As I filleth my plate continuously, my clothes runneth smaller. Surely,
                    bulges and excess weight shall follow me all the days of my life
                    And I shall be fat forever.

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                    Vet Chips
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
                    "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well,"
                    says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and
                    examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to
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                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                    Sweepstakes Chips
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                    LynnLynn's Links
                    Like more Links?? send a blank email to
                    LynnLynns-Links-subscribe@egroups.com
                    and get the links from all of our lists each day..
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    Memorable Photos of the Last Century From Doll Lady
                    http://www.dailynewslosangeles.com/extra/spec/centuryphotos/01.htm

                    My Little Angel From Gold Princess
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                    Go To Bed
                    http://www.justsaywow.com/house/gotobed.htm

                    Beary Big Bear Hug by Jimmy Shah reccomended by Lois and dick
                    http://www.bombaybiz.com/jimmy/barbara/bearhug.htm

                    Love From Miss Laurie
                    http://login.internettrash.com/users/angel320/L_O_V_E.html

                    Elvis
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                    Fantastic Sites and Links Bionus #1
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                    Burglary Chips
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    After shopping in a mall, a couple returns to find their car has been
                    stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a
                    detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can
                    be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been
                    returned.
                    There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two
                    tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your
                    car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition
                    to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are
                    two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the
                    country-and-western music star."
                    Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and
                    return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods
                    have been taken from thought out the house, from basement to attic. And,
                    there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I
                    have to put my kid through college somehow, don't I?"

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                    More Toon Chips

                    TOON CHIPS
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                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    E-mail-Ezines-Newsletters ~~ No matter what you call them 
                                        !THEY'RE FREE!
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                    <a href="http://www.imaginationsunlimited.com/cgi-bin/tracker.cgi?tn=28">AOL users Click Here</a>

                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    Parting Chip

                    An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. "Am I glad to
                    see you!" he said. "I've been lost for three days." "Don't get too
                    excited, friend," the other hunter replied. "I've been lost for three
                    weeks."

                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    ALO-ALO-ALO-ALO-ALO-ALO-ALO-ALO-
                    ALO
                      Please send our jokes out to your friends or use them any way you
                    see fit ............ All of our jokes are collected from various sites
                    on the net and are believed to be public domain .. If you hold copyright
                    on any of these jokes please inform us so we may give you proper credit.
                    Send all Jokes to Buffalo@...
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                      SUBSCRIBE INFO
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                  • buffalos3@webtv.net
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                      Rescue Chips
                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them
                      from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was
                      a woman.
                      They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they
                      didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die.
                      No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really
                      touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the
                      others, because women were used to giving things up for their husbands
                      and children and giving in to men.
                      All of the men started clapping.

                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      Featured List
                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                      28522   DON'T STOP YOUR LIFE FOR THE 6 and 10!
                                      === DailyNewsMail.com
                      ===
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                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      Bar Chips
                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he
                      owes $4.
                      "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the
                      bartender, "If you said you paid, you did." The man then goes outside
                      and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track
                      of whether his customers have paid. The second man then ruses in, orders
                      a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
                      The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
                      Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells
                      him how to get free drinks.
                      The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when,
                      suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing
                      happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and
                      both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get
                      punched right in the nose."
                      "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just
                      give me my change and I'll be on my way."


                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      TOON CHIPS
                      Random Toon Generator Enjoy and Send us to a friend
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                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      Gas Chips
                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      A benchmark for both the environment and agriculture was reached
                      Thursday when an agreement was signed to reduce cow flatulence which
                      contributes to the greenhouse effect. TransAlta power company reached a
                      multi-million dollar agreement with U.S. based Global Livestock Group to
                      produce a feed supplement that would reduce both belching and
                      flatulence. This additive would be sprayed on their hay and feed with
                      the potential to decrease methane gases equivalent to 30 million tons of
                      carbon dioxide. Environmental groups question how much other pollutants
                      will increase by producing this additive.

                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      Featured List
                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      28524 *CLEAN JOKES** **CLEAN JOKES** **CLEAN JOKES** Jokes EveryDay will
                      send you 3 clean jokes to your e-mail daily. Sign up for FREE and join
                      50,000+ readers who already enjoy it! To SIGN UP for FREE send a e-mail
                      to: mailto:join-jokeseveryday@... Or visit us at our
                      website: http://www.jokeseveryday.com?a


                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      Lunch Chips From Ray
                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      There once was a little boy who wanted to meet God. He knew it was a
                      long trip to where God lived, so he packed his suitcase with cupcakes,
                      several cans of root beer and started on his journey.
                      When he had gone about three blocks, he saw an elderly woman. She was
                      sitting on a park bench watching the pigeons. The boy sat down next to
                      her and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a drink from his root
                      beer when he noticed the lady looked hungry so he offered her a cupcake.
                      She gratefully accepted and smiled at him. Her smile was so wonderful
                      that he wanted to see it again, so he offered a root beer as well. Once
                      again she smiled at him. The boy was delighted!
                      They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling without saying a word.
                      As it began to grow dark, the boy realized how tired he was and wanted
                      to go home.
                      He got up to leave but before he had gone no more than a few steps, he
                      turned round and ran back to the old woman, giving her a big hug. She
                      gave him her biggest smile ever.
                      When the boy arrived home his Mother was surprised by the look of joy on
                      his face. She asked, "What has made you so happy today?"
                      He replied, "I had lunch with God." Before his mother could respond he
                      added, "You know what? She's got the most beautiful smile in the whole
                      world!"
                      Meanwhile, the old woman, also radiant with joy, returned to her home.
                      Her son was stunned by the look of peace on her face. He asked, "Mother,
                      what has made you so happy today?"
                      She replied, "I ate cupcakes in the park with God." And before her son
                      could reply, she added, "You know, he is much younger than I expected."




                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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                      LynnLynn's Links


                      Like more Links?? send a blank email to
                      LynnLynns-Links-subscribe@egroups.com
                      and get the links from all of our lists each day..

                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      Angelbear's Angels
                      http://www.geocities.com/angelbear1999_2000/oldpage.html

                      BBMary's Award Page
                      http://www.geocities.com/bbmary3/award1.html

                      Welcome To Michael Jackson's Ex-Wife's
                      Home
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                      The Best Of Everything From Frec
                      http://www.geocities.com/have2_laugh/thebest.html

                      Wu Name
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                      Long Distance Lovers
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                      Cowboyin Tx's Homepage
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                      Camp Jaycee From Sheriff Bob
                      http://www.campjaycee.org/

                      Angel's Voice From Miss Laurie
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                      School Chips
                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      The professors of mathematics and physics were staring away at the flag
                      pole in front of the front of the college building. The professor of
                      English walking by asked, "What seems to be the problem?"
                      "We," said the professor of mathematics, "were wondering how to measure
                      the height of this flag pole."
                      The professor of English quickly unscrewed the pole from its moorings,
                      laid it on the ground, whipped out a measuring tape, measured it, and
                      said, "It is exactly 20 feet long," and walked away smoking his pipe.
                      Looking at the English professor's receding back, the professor of
                      physics remarked, "Smart Alec. We wanted to know the height, and he
                      tells us the length!"

                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                      The Herbal Buffalo ( More Jokes after this section)
                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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                      Groaner Chips
                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      A medieval king was doing battle with the neighboring kingdom and had
                      the chance to defeat his enemy if he could get a message out to his
                      allies further south. He called his knights together and requested a
                      volunteer to carry this entreaty.
                                  Immediately a tall and brave knight
                      stepped forward and announced he would gladly volunteer his services. It
                      was with much fanfare that the knight mounted his steed, the secret
                      message in his saddlepack, and headed out across the drawbridge. Out of
                      the clouds came a giant yellow hand that snatched both the knight and
                      his steed off the drawbridge, crushed them both, and deposited their
                      remains into the alligator filled moat below.
                                  A somber hush fell over the castle.
                      The king again re- quested a volunteer to save his kingdom. And another
                      knight stepped forward, willing to risk his life for the glory of
                      serving his king and kingdom. Much concern and hoopla went on as he
                      mounted his steed, deposited the secret message in his saddlebag, and
                      headed out across the draw bridge. And AGAIN this enormous yellow hand
                      swooped down out of the clouds, snatching him off the drawbridge,
                      crushing him and depositing him in the alligator filled moat.
                                  The king was at a loss as surely he
                      would lose the battle and his kingdom in the process. No other knights
                      would step forward. The king offerred his daughter's hand and half his
                      kingdom to whoever could dispatch the message to his allies.
                                  A small page stepped forward, caring
                      little about the kingdom but possessing an intense desire for the
                      princess. "I'll do it," he said, as he took the entreaty and placed it
                      in the purse pages were wont to carry in those days.
                                  The drawbridge was lowered and he
                      scampered across as fast as his little legs would carry him. As before,
                      down swoops this giant yellow hand, grabbing for the page as he raced
                      along, but as luck would have it, his size worked to his advantage, and
                      he slipped between the fingers, reached the other side of the drawbridge
                      and disappeared into the safety of the forest. The message was
                      successfully delivered, the war was won, and he lived happily ever after
                      with the princess on his half of the kingdom. The moral?
                                  LET YOUR PAGES DO THE WALKING
                      THROUGH
                                                THE
                      YELLOW FINGERS!


                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      Parting Chips
                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      Buford gets a call from Nike
                      while at the golf course! Teeheehee!
                      Click here for more Toon Fun!!
                      http://www.localbizwiz.com/haha/default.asp?P=0124&R=0310 <a
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