Clean Chips For Tues
- Clean Clean
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I was looking at the Detroit Paper today and caught an article
on Volkswagen and Porsche planning new SUV's. These are
decadent machines with price tags of 60,000 and 100,000
dollars, luxurious interiors, and towing capacities of over 3000
pounds. VW is considering V-10 gas and V-8 diesel engines
whereas Porsche going for the performance market is using
a 350 horsepower V-8 and a 450 horsepower turbo version
of the same engine which is capable of 0-63 m.p.h. in 5.5
I want money and I want a Porsche SUV. I want to put 40
inch Monster Mudders on it and take it to the Dafter Lions
Club Mud Runs. I want to see plumes of vaporized clay
being shot a hundred feet into the air. I want it with a 8 ft
wide clear plastic Western plow. I want to be able to do my
yard and the rest of the block in under six seconds and come
in and sit in my warm house while others are stuck everywhere.
I want to be called on to drive Santa around while Rudolph is
recovering from Lyme disease and brucellosis from eating from
a common bait pile. Hey I think I can do such a good job the
jolly fellow could do his gift giving twice a year. Above all I want
stealth technology to absorb and reflect all types of radar.
I think that should all be available for 500 a month on a 48 month
closed end lease with no penalties for wear and tear and over
mileage. I know it's a lot to ask for but I think I deserve it. Or maybe
hit the lottery and just buy it outright.
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To My Dear Friend Pastor Wally Bullhorn, I sure hope
attendance at your church was better'n my church.
Mercy, pastorin' ain't always easy, now is it? We had us a
bunch of sick folk, and them added to all the shut-ins made for a whole lot
uh pew cushion to look at from the pulpit.
I got to admit, I was feelin' somewhat put out, but I went ahead a preached
anyhows. Only thing was, with all them people missin' the echo in the church
gave me a hoot of a head ache.
My wife said I needed to git out and ride a bit 'cause the fresh air would
make me feel better.
Well, she took to drivin' and I took to ridin' and sure 'nuff, she was
right. Not only did my head clear up, but what I saw
renewed my faith in the Good Lord. I tell you, Brother, I seen miracle after
My Sunday School superintendent, Hank Weaselbaum had
called to tell me that he was so deathly sick, he wouldn't make it to
church. But there he was, drivin' down the road with his favorite fishin'
pole stickin' out the window. I tell you, only a miracle coulda' snatched
him out'a the jaws of death that way!
Then there was my head deacon, Wilbur Snooch. He had done left a message on
my answerin' machine that his back was so jerked out'a line that he thought
he might have to have surgery. But I want you to know that when we drove
past the golf course, there he was, hittin' golf balls on the drivin'
range. Hallelujah, our prayers worked!
Edna Brump sent word with her sister that she wouldn't make it 'cause her
stomach was all upset and she didn't want to take a chance on havin' a
mishap in the church. But glory! There she was, standin' in line at the
Feedin' Trough Smorgasbord. Another healin'
All told, we saw that 20 of our sick folk had takin' a turn for the better
and were up and about. Not only that, but I just couldn't help from
rejoicin' over all our shut-ins that got themselves healed too.
There was Sam Burply, who don't attend church much causin' of him being
allergic to crowds, and he was in line to buy a ticket at the ball park.
Margaret Guffhunker, who's been feelin' all poor and sickly that she's done
missed the last eight Sundays, she was comin' out of the mall with both arms
full of packages.
And then there was Horace Dweedle, who ain't been to church in six months
cause'a his bum knee; he was playin' basketball down at the park.
Seein' all these mighty miracles and healin's got me so worked up, I started
singin' the Doxology!
Yes, sir, Brother Blowhorn, I'm excited! I just know we'll be
havin' us a packed house next Sunday, what with all the sick and shut-ins
revived by such a touch from Heaven. I look forward to givin' you right nice
Your good friend,
Pastor William Robert ("Billy-Bob")
( ) Oooo.
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\_ ) ) /
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I Can Explain
One night at about 3 am my wife was getting up from the toilet
to return to bed when she heard a little noise. It was a suspiciously
rodent like sound that seemed to be right in the bathroom with her.
She, of course, froze and listened attentively for any further sign
of invaders. After a moment, satisfied that she was alone, she took
a step for the door. Rodent scratchy sounds again!
She froze, not breathing. Silence. Her heart beat fast as she once
again tried to retreat from the bathroom.
This time the noise was accompanied by something touching the
back of her leg! That was, of course, too much to bear. She literally
flew the 8 feet to the bed, clearing the foot board by a couple feet,
to land screaming by my side.
This is not a pleasant way to wake up. Scrambling into consciousness,
now scared half to death myself, I managed to get the light on.
The culprit was right there in plain sight, a trail of toilet paper
neatly marked the path from bed to the bathroom.
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In Brooklyn, Sol Goldstein is startled when a flying
saucer lands beside him. From the saucer exits a
beautiful female who tells him that she is from
the planet Pluto. Sol notices that her skin is green,
and she has three breasts, four arms, and six legs.
The woman assures him that all women on Pluto look
like she does. Sol also notices that every finger on
her four arms sports one or more rings with huge
diamonds or other precious stones,and every wrist is
heavy with gold bracelets. When Sol asks, "Are there any
women on Pluto who don't wear all of that jewelry?"
the woman replies, "Only the shiksas."
shiksas = non-Jewish women
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This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets.
He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a
woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman
falls from the bus and is killed.
At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder and seeing as
it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his
execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him
a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes" answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana?" the man asks.
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits until
he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips
the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man.
When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner
can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner,
"that's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses
selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go
when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels
and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent
to the electric chair.
The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs
the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The
bloke is again sat in the chair.
"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the
The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The
bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.
Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When
the smoke clears the man is still there smiling in the chair. The
executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses.
Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on,
this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again.
The executioner rigs up all the electricity in America to the chair,
determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair
"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your
The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all,
skin included. The executioner then pulls the handle and a
zillion million trillion volts go through the chair.
When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without
even a burn mark. "I give up" says the executioner, "I don't
understand. How you can still be alive after all that?"
He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green
banana isn't it?" he asked.
"Nahh" said the bloke,"...I'm just a really bad conductor."
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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around
the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not
noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he
found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking
confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as
possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze
made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his
He had no trouble with discipline that term.
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With some misgivings, we left a young baby-sitter in charge of our three
When we returned a few, hours later, she was sitting alone watching TV.
I went to check on the children, and found them in our narrow hallway.
By bracing their arms and legs against the walls, two of them had
climbed up to the ceiling.
"The baby-sitter taught us how," they said gleefully.
The sitter joined me, her face a deep red. "Since they had me climbing
the walls, I figured they might as well be too," she stammered.
We kept the same girl for the next two years.
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Before It Starts Chips
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops
down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his
wife "Get me a beer before it starts"
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later he says "Get me another beer before
She looks cross but fetches him another beer and slams it
down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick
get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do
tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a
lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore.....
The man sighs and says, "It's started......"
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Uncle Rusty is a wise man. A while back he retired and purchased a modest
home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his
retirement in peace and quiet, puttering around his work shop.That is of
course until the school year began. On the first day ofschool three young
boys, full of pent up energy from a full day ofschool, came down his street.
As they walked down the street theybeat rhythmically on every trash can they
past. Day after day, itwas the same thing. Beating, clanging and pounding
out a rhythm on the cans as they walked down the street. Poor Uncle Rusty
just couldn't take it any more.The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the
young musicians.As they worked their way down the street, pounding out a
tune on the cans, Rusty stopped them and said, "You kids sure are having a
lot of fun. I like seeing young people like you, express themselves. In
fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a
favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every
day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang up
job on the trash cans.After two days, Uncle Rusty greeted the kids again,
but this time he had a sad expression on his face. "This recession's really
putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be
able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."The boys were not pleased, but
they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon concert. A couple
of days later, Sly Uncle Rusty approached them again as they drummed their
way down the street.With words that would ensure he would have peace and
quiet from that day forward he said "Look, my Social Security check just
isn't stretching as far with the expenses. So I'm not going to be able to
give you more than 25 cents a day. Will that be okay?""What?! Just a crummy
quarter?" the boys exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time,
beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We
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An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a
roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.
The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some
victuals?" he asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!" she shouted again.
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
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From The Buffalos Mail Box
Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as
sailors stood around the water cask rumors, sea stories and
useful info was spread )
Navy Terminology, Origins of - ... into every day use, and you will find
the origins of this and Navy ... This old traditional greeting for hailing
other vessels was originally a Viking battle cry. ...
within this site
Buffalo says , yes I believe it was named after Ahoy Ericson who
was Lief Ericson's younger step brother.
furphy n.(pl.furphies) 1 a false report or rumour. 2 an absurd
story. .adj.(furphier, furphiest) absurdly false, unbelievable:
that's the furphiest bit of news I ever heard.
This Ozword comes from the name of [John] Furphy, a blacksmith and
general engineer, who went to Shepparton from Kyneton in 1871 and set
up a foundry. John Furphy designed a galvanised iron water-cart on
wheels and his firm, J. Furphy & Sons, manufactured them. Each cart
had the name FURPHY written large on the body. So successful were
these carts that during World War 1 the Department of the Army bought
many Furphy carts to supply water to camps in Australia and
especially to camps in Palestine, and Egypt.
Fine - but how did John Furphy's name come to be associated
with rumours and lies? As far as I know, John Furphy was a most
respectable and upright man, a Methodist lay preacher, and not in the
least bit given to rumour mongering or telling tall tales. As a
matter of fact, he often used the cast-iron ends of his carts to
carry a variety of engraved moral advertisements, the following being
WATER IS A GIFT OF GOD
BEER AND WHISKY OF THE DEVIL
COME AND HAVE A DRINK OF WATER
The standard account has it that the term furphy arose among
Australian soldiers overseas during World War 1. It seems that when
soldiers gathered around these water-carts, they became sites for
gossip and rumour. Another story has it that the drivers of these
water-carts carried gossip and rumour from camp to camp, no doubt
making a good story better as they proceeded. Whatever the reason for
the nexus, the nexus was soon established between the name on the
cart and the rumour-mongering associated with the cart's arrival:
furphy was born as soldier slang. Shortly thereafter furphy (also
spelled furfy and furphey) left the confines of the camps and
established itself firmly as part of the general Australian language,
a position it holds securely to this day.
I hope your readers enjoy this glimpse into Aussie folklore
Dear Buffalo: Someday I may write a book about all the different forms of
abuse that people inflict upon one another and the consequences of that
abuse. I was very fortunate to have been raised by people (my mother and her
parents) who never struck me as a form of punishment. The worst punishment
that I ever got at home was because I sassed my grandmother one day. I don't
remember what I said, but it was bad enough for my grandmother to coat my
tounge with pepper, leave that on for a few minutes, and then wash my mouth
out with soap. The soap was as bad as the pepper! I would not do that to
anyone, and I don't recommend that anyone else use that as a form of
punishment. In this world today, that would be considered as abuse. I can
tell you that I only got the pepper and soap treatment once. One treatment
like that was all it took. Unfortunately, not every member of my family did
not believe that you should not strike a child. My mother's sister used a
belt to punish her children. One time when I was left in her care, she used
the belt on me. She told me to go in the bathroom; I had no idea what she
was about to do. Her two children, my cousins, would not look me in the eye.
She made me pull my pants down and bend across the toilet and then she let
me have it with that thick leather belt. I'll never forget that as long as I
live. I'll never forget the way that my cousins looked before she hit me.
When my family found out what she did, it almost caused a permanent split
between my aunt and the rest of the family. There are still hard feelings
there for more than one reason. I have been around other families where
there is physical abuse, and I believe that children become immune to
physical abuse as a form of punishment. They never forget the abuse, but I
do not believe that it is effective as a form of punishment. They will feel
the pain, physically and mentally, for the rest of their lives. It is truly
unbelievable what human beings do to one another. What is done in just a
moment can have a lifetime of after-affects. I wish you all peace of mind.
Your mentioning the time that you have been doing a joke list sent me on a
journey down memory lane.
Oh yes,,,who could forget list-bot and then there was e-groups. All gone now
to the big Yahoo in the sky.
Then we must remember the owners who have disappeared in to cyberspace. I
know Squirrel got sick but I think and wonder about Steve (King Of All
Jokes), Nina, Terri (the one who was always griping about Lynn Lynn) Nate,
his beautiful wife "The Mistress", and so many more.
If anyone has information about old list owners it would be fun and nice to
share with all us oldies.
Congrats to the Bison for his long reign
+ Welcome to the club, mechaman. It's what we call the
+ Pied Piper Syndrome. Children gravitate towards me as
+ well. The most disturbing case of this - which could
+ have been so easily misconstrued - was when my wife and
+ I were in a toy shop ... She nodded, still hanging on,
+ and I walked her back over and told him what had
+ happened. The sharp flash of fear in his eyes convinced
+ me he would be more careful in future.
children have a sense as it relates to safe, patient,
and "comfortable". As my sister put it: "small children
and cats gravitate to you." Both home in on the radiated
good feeling. I often think the only ones I do like are
small children and cats --in both cases, you must earn
their trust and love.
+ Buffalo say , I know what you mean , I have strange
+ women who want to follow me home all the time and it's
+ hard to explain to their husbands and my wife that it is
+ just animal attraction.
in your dreams, Buffalo! :)
Sanity is the Playground for the Unimaginative
There is a phrase, 'it takes a village to make'...
Ms. Toogood wasn't taught, nor were her parents.
Discipline was beaten into them and passed on by them.
There are too many kinds of abuse, as Dixie stated. The ones we don't see
are worse than the commercial value generated upon Ms. Toogood.
No, this should not happen, ever. But it does. What are you doing to ensure
it won't happen again?
Violence is destroying the fiber of nations.
In response to Mangolia K's comment about kids lack of
They haVE IMagination, they just imagine things they
don't wnat to tell adults...
Re Calgary as beach front property
U R DEAD MEAT, SOON TO BE DRIED & FRIED CHIPS!!!!!
Buffalo says ahhhhh buffalo jerky perhaps my next list
Re David B
Its hard to put any stock on the words of Dave B, when the man uses the word
Trader for Traitor, you simply have to wonder about the level of
The Biggest Snow Job Sense The Armistice Day Blizzard Of '40
Before you let our current leaders take us to war with Iraq and Sadden
Hussein, how many of you have checked into their background ? You might be
in for some surprises !
It seems that President Geo. W. Bush failed to complete a 6 year hitch with
the Texas Air National Guard. After serving only 4 years he took off fearing
he could not pass his flight physical because of a cocaine habit and being
sent over to Vietnam, he skipped out., He had then Senator Geo. "Daddy"
Bush take care of things for him. If this had been anyone else they would
have been listed A.W.O.L.,given an dishonorable discharge and classified as
a "Trader". For the complete story written by a pilot that served with him
go to: http://www.democrats.com/display.cfm?id=132
As for Vice President Dick Cheney, who headed up Halliburton Oil from 1995
to 2000, he sold more than $170 million dollars of contracts to Hussein
running them through European Subsidiaries. For the complete story on him go
Now they want to send our young men and women over there and put their lives
on the line to cover up a job they have failed so miserably at home. In my
book we got a" Deserter" and a "Trader" trying to run this country ! If
Hussein is so bad, why didn't his "Daddy" finish him off when we were over
there then ? If he can't do any better job against Hussein then Bin Laden we
are in big trouble. He don't even know if the enemy is alive or dead or even
where he is at. This is all a big coverup with the election coming up, for
our own failing economy. It took 8 years to clean up the mess and get this
country back on it's feet that his "Daddy" left it in. Now look at it. Have
you looked at your retirement account or your 401K lately? In less then 2
years we went from a surplus in our treasury to starting up the U.S.
National Debt clock again and has continued to increase an average of $1140
million per day. Our current debt is over $6 trillion all ready and
continuing to grow. Unemployment went from a all time low back 2 years ago
to some of the highest we ever had and with high unemployment there is no
tax money coming in, things are bound to get worse! This will not only
effect our national treasury, but also our state and local as well. What has
he done about his crooked C.E.O's buddies that ripped off millions? I don't
know what in the world he wants to try and run another country for, when he
failed so miserably trying to run this one !!
Thanks Dave, you really know how to stir up something!
Dear Dave B:
I checked out the democrats.com site, and it sounds like a lot of hog wash
to me, gossip, made up stuff, democrat propaganda.
Seems to me the democrats have talked for 40 years or more about doing the
same thing over and over every election year and then they don't do
anything. Just a lot of hot air, anything to get a vote from gullible,
ignorant, & old people..
After all, people will believe a lie before they will the truth.
As far as them ( the Republicans) wanting to send our military personnel
into battle, no one wants our soldiers to die especially for a country or
countries that are not Christian & will only be your "friend" as long as
you supply the money and most of the people in those countries are
uneducated, ignorant, they are radical religious fanatics and don't have a
clue as to what the USA is all about. And, also women have absolutely no
rights. They hate us but they imitate us in dress, and they want the
material things that we have & the freedom but wont' fight for it.
The USA lost over 50,000 good Americans in Viet Nam. and what did we get in
return, over 50,000 Vietnamese imported into this country ( getting all
kinds of USA aid from the taxpayer), and now we have such a large Asian
population in Houston that the government (justice dept.) says that we now
have to have the ballots in an oriental language. I say if they can't read
English, they don't have the knowledge about what they would be voting on
anyway. They should be required to learn English.
I also say that any person in this country that has ever been in the
military and is in the military deserves a medal for serving his or her
Every time you see a soldier in uniform you should be thanking that person
for agreeing to lay their life on the line for you because that is what they
are doing and they deserve your respect.Thank you God for them. Most people
either enlisted or drafted would or do serve their country willingly. And
they are not paid enough.!!! Not everybody that wants to be in the military
can qualify to be in the Military. If I could I would have been to
Afghanistan the day after Sept. 11, with a machine gun blazing.
It seems to me that you are blaming George W. Bush for everything you can
think of that is wrong with this government & for all the problems that
were already there ,that he has inherited.
Have you every noticed that when you meet a new person ( and you have
heard a lot of good comments about this person), you think highly of that
person; but if you have heard bad or negative things, you do not have a very
good opinion of that person.
((( Most of us would have a very different opinion of the previous
President, had we not know of all of the stuff he did in the White House
behind closed doors that is what that woman & other things that he did.)))
That woman is asking for money from the American taxpayer to help with her
legal expenses and chances are she will get it, along with other people in
the same situation.
After all, in American all things are possible.
As far as the surplus is concerned there never should have been a surplus,
that is money taken from the taxpayer as in an overpayment .
I call it Excessive theft. Never once does it cross the minds of people in
congress to stop the spending, cut out the waste in useless programs.
After all you, yourself, in your own life, you just keep spending, and
spending as if the well is never going to run dry. Don't you! Of Course,
not. Most Americans don't live like that. So neither should the government.
So until we are out of debt, stop all funding to the UN, foreign aid, free
government grants, useless federal programs, free lunch programs (that is
where I pay for my kids lunch and have to pay for 3 other kids lunch), limos
that deliver the Dashcle, & Gephardt to work every day, let them take a
To help solve the unemployment problem, take the people on welfare and train
them and place them in jobs held by illegals, & new positions in
immigration rounding up the illegals) will take a long time to round up
over 10 million) after all if you are on welfare, you are getting a
government check that makes you a government employee. You know you can't
fire a government employee.
By the way, if they are able to go to the post office to pick up their
welfare check they are able to work. If they don't like the job you assign
them to, that would be an incentive to work at another job or move up the
People who work and provide for themselves have a better outlook on life
and a better attitude.
If we didn't have so many illegals ( who have rights in this country - NOT)
the jobs they take would pay more - they keep the wages low because they
will work for less, but you see they also bring poverty to this country and
keep it here, 31 million below the poverty level in this country. Also, the
illegals from Mexico are bringing disease into this country, TB, hepatitis*
(you get it in restaurants in your food, because they didn't wash their
hands after they went bathroom), whooping cough (pertussis) that is the P in
DPT shots that all children in this country (state) are required to have.
So far, this year Texas has had 766 cases of whooping cough, killed 5, it
kills babies who get it from adults. Hepatitis, a liver disease, you turn
mello yellow looking and your are physically wiped out for about six weeks,
you are so tired you can't work and your employer won't let you.
_Hey, that is where we could solve the unemployment situation, we need more
border patrols, and immigration to round up the illegals and ship them back
to Mexico. Within this past year, one border patrolman was killed by the
Mexicans and just recently two patrolmen were beaten so badly they were in
a coma. Lovely people the illegals.
It is not the responsibility of the American taxpayer to provide for Mexico.
The number one problem with illegals is they broke the law by sneaking into
this country. They have No respect for the laws of this country, they
should not be rewarded with drivers license, bank accounts, and all of the
benefits of citizenship.
It costs the taxpayer in this country approximately $55,000.00 per illegal
during the course of their stay in the USA.
However, I will say this generally speaking Mexicans are a hardworking,
family type people, who just want to provide for their family. (forget this
Hispanic stuff- there is no Hispania country)
The purpose of the Desert Storm was to get Saddam out of Kuwait, of course
hindsight is better, they should have blown him away.
Osama Bin done in, chances are he is in bits and pieces in a cave somewhere,
however, if you had proof that he was dead he would indeed be a martyr, as
if he is alive he is only a hero to the ignorant radical religious nuts. So
who cares, as long as we keep finding them (the terrorists) and killing
This country needs to stop allowing the immigration from the terriorists
nations, they can still get visas, seems to me allowing 6,000 legal
immigrants in each day surely contributes to the unemployment and the
drain on the taxpayer as they usually get some sort of government help.
Evil people are still coming into this country, using the goodness of the
American people against the Americans.
We must be politically correct, we can't profile, we can't keep people out
of this country. And we don't want to offend anyone, do we? Well, would you
put a woman in a police lineup when you look for a rapist? Get real, people.
Have you ever noticed, it isn't women who start the wars.
I read on the internet that there are government employees who are in the
refugee camps in Afghanistan trying to find people to help as in getting
them to come to this country.
By the way, I bet somebody, somewhere could dig up something on you or me
that would be unfavorable, all depends on which way you want to make the
polls look; how much mud you want to sling..
If I didn't read the newspaper, listen to TV, & radio I would not know
about all the evil that goes on in this world. I hear that the rest of the
world thinks that America is as shown on the TV shows.
The rest of the world is not contributing to my upkeep.
I don't watch the three basic channels anymore, TV programs are just too
trashy. Test patterns are better. You can watch cooking shows all day long
if you like and they are not vulgar and trashy.
I don't think that TV shows the real Amerian family.
I noticed that not one foreigner was every a good contestant on Who wants to
be a Millionaire. To know all of that stuff you would have to be An
I heard about an Iranian father who chopped off his seven year old
daughter's head because he thought she had been raped. Turns out by the
autopsy, that she had not. This is how victims are treated, what happened to
the rapist? Thought it was an uncle. Great family people! What a country!
Of course nothing will be done to him. Those are the crimes done against
women in these middle eastern countries.
We don't need to allow more people of that kind into this country, those
countries need to make their own countries better for their own people.
But, it is easier just to come to this country where someone else has
already done the foundation work and all you have to do is reap the
I don't know why people in Washington don't use plain old common sense,
obviously they don't have any. Why can't people just live and let live and
mind their own business.
As for me I prefer the "Charles Bronson" or the "Eastwood" method with
Saddam, Castro, Arafat & the other radical crazies of the world.
Oh, well, got to go, have to work tomorrow, so I can afford more foreign
Thanks for listening,
Introducing the World's first ((Vibrating)) Alarm Clock!
* Start your day off right! Wake up peacefully in silence.
* Small enough to fit under your pillow or mattress.
* The vibrations gently increase until you wake,
leaving everyone else asleep!
Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean
- My name is buffalo and I have the watch.
Sunday around brunch time Eva came into my room
and said Grandpa, It's a tomato morning. I figured
Sandy was fixing breakfast and then my TV started
beeping and thats's when I figured out Eva had actually
meant tornado warning. It wasn't that serious, though,
only severe thunderstorms and we didn't even get the
quarter sized hail but we did get plenty of wind and
buckets of rain and it kept on coming till about 0500.
I finally got to bed after the16 hour light show and then
it was time to go get bloodwork done. I called doctor's
office and told them I had done the tests and asked
them to call when they had the results and give me any
dosages that had been modified so I could take my pills.
While I was on the phone I noticed a lot of static which
isn't unusual as there are fiber optics in the neighborhood
connecting to 60 years of copper wire. I laid down to take
a nap and wait for the call and woke up at 1530 with
still no call so I called doctor's office and they had been
calling me all afternoon. The static was also causing the
modem to disconnect randomly.
On the good side though my meds are ok at least for
another week or so. Hope you are having a great week.
The man, trying to start up a conversation with another
man said, "WOW! Who is that incredibly ugly lady over there?"
The second man said, "Why, that's my wife!"
Trying to get out of an embarassing situation, the first man
said, "No, not her, the other one!"
The second man said, "That's my daughter!"
The teacher, during an English lesson, asked her students: "Now tell
me, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no
Little Johnny, in the back row, raised his hand.
"Yes, Johnny," said the teacher
A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2
servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I consume about 3,500
calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per
Therefore, in the last 3-1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric
intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds.
So... without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing
about 3 months ago! I owe my life to chocolate!!
The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a
"little" stowed away rum. Unfortunately he got drunk and was still drunk
the next morning. The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate was
sober, showed him the following entry in the ship's log: "The first mate
was drunk today."
"Captain please don't let that stay in the log", the mate said. "This
could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself."
"Is it true?" asked the captain, already knowing the answer.
"Yes, its true" the mate said.
"Then if it is true it has to go in the log. That's the rule. If its
true it goes into the log, end of discussion," said the captain sternly.
Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entries. The
first mate wrote: "The ship seems in good shape. The captain was sober
A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to
make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings
it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found
a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided
that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and
showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said,
"This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it
any more; they had to know who they had found. They called the police
and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and
we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."
Dear Mr. Johnson:
Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to
get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try
It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal 10 year old
boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp
We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with
swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire -- you know. There
were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music,
military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying.
I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year.
Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket.
It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right
there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAS HAPPENED. He's changed. I can't explain it. See
These are some of my little Billy's letters:
Letter # 1
The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only
good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time
to program, so they let us stay up. Love, Billy.
Letter # 2
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all
get to choose what we want to drink. By the way, can you make Szechwan
food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the flowchart
class. Love, Billy.
P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spell
Letter # 3
Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow
of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of a
tan cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer
screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us
weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.
Letter # 4
I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp
ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real
funny. He got mad and yelled. Can you send more money? I've got to chip
in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a
computer? Give my regards to Dad.
Letter # 5
Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I
haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto
any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the
university's in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five,
he's going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really
smart. He says that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.
Letter # 6
How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I
haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody
wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is
cool. I thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made
some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway,
I've paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late
Letter # 7
Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only ten years
old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again.
Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit
bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write
again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal
communication drain me.
What can I do, Mr. Johnson?
See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little
boy. I know that it's probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if
by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of
programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much.
Please forgive our lack of a fancy template at the moment and
enjoy these pages from our friends.
Animals on Trampolines Via Richard
I KNOW I'VE BEEN SEALED/PAGE BY MARLENE/GOSPEL
Scientists Unveil New Species!
This dummy knows his stuff
Before you watch it, do you know the answer to the question
"What is the Third Amendment? If not, you'll find out.
What Happens When A Washcloth is Wrung in Space?
Have you seen the latest dance craze? It's called "twerking." It's
drawn controversy since Miley Cyrus made it famous and now twins Terry
and Josie, 74, and their 82-year-old sister Mary are showing off their
"twerking" skills! The grannies say some inappropriate words, but what
the heck? They're fantastic!
*Grandpa and The Computer*
The computer swallowed Grandpa
Yes honestly, its true.
He pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It's devoured him completely
The thought just makes me squirm.
Maybe he's caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind.
I've even used the internet
But nothing could I find.
I asked Jeeves in desperation
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative
Not a thing was found online.
So, if someday in your 'In Box'
My Grandpa you should see.
Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' him
In an e-mail back to me.
Two couples went out golfing together. The men hit first from the men's
tee and walked with the ladies to their tee box.
The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it completely,
while passing some gas rather loudly in the process. No one commented.
She addressed the ball again but this time she passed just little gas as
she made contact with the ball, topping it and moving it only a short
She said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further?"
One of the men said, "I don't think you gave it enough gas!"
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller
delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare
to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this
Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined
at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. Her mind raced. A question
forced it's way out... she simply had to know.. She met the Fortune
Teller's gaze, tried to steady her voice and asked,
"Will I be acquitted?"
For some reason, wives tend to like this joke .
A difficult moral dilemma: you are on a plane headed for a tropical
vacation, and you crash. you and most of the other passengers end up on a
deserted island. The world thinks you perished in the sea. No one is coming
to rescue you. There is not enough coconut, fresh water, and fish to sustain
everyone. Among the survivors are an IRS agent, a DOJ lawyer, and an
assistant communications director from the administration. Which one do you
stir fry, which one do you barbecue, and which one goes into a
Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean
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