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Chips For Fri

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  • B.Brabant
    Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Fourteen years ago , living out in the country we
    Message 1 of 67 , Aug 2, 2002
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      Clean Clean



      Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
      name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

      Fourteen years ago , living out in the country we became a foster
      home for the Peninsula Animal Welfare Society ( PAWS ) In
      return they helped find homes and spayed and neutered the stray
      cats we had collected. I wasn't a fan of cats as a young buffalo,
      although I have always liked all animals, I was more of a dog
      person. Cats were too independent , rarely friendly to me, and I
      was to impatient to deal with it. Then came Ralph. Ralph was a
      big orange tabby that bonded with me immediately. Ralph weighed
      in at twenty-five pounds when I took him in for his one year
      check up and shots. Every dog and cat in the area respected Ralph,
      although he very seldom fought them. They would chase him
      until he got tired of the game and he would spring three feet straight
      into the air and land on the aggressor , scaring the heck out of them.
      Ralph had paws larger than a silver dollar, I know that because
      I was elected to give Ralph a flea bath one time and I made the
      near fatal mistake of shoving him into the tub and closing the glass
      doors. I was the only thing that wasn't too smooth to climb and
      I had paw marks from my knees to my chest where he was climbing
      up me like a tree. I stopped him right before he had a chance to put
      footprints on my nose and we went into the water wrestling. I won
      that argument but he made it clear that it was the first and last time
      that he was going through that and I better get him a good flea
      collar. To smooth things over I gave Ralph his favorite snack,
      half of a raw beef kidney and several slices of avocado. Ralph
      liked raw meat, when you cooked it he had this "why are you
      ruining it" look on his face. Ralph slept on my side of the bed
      pretty much wherever he wanted. When it was time for you to
      get up to let him out he stood on your chest and kneaded his claws
      till you got up. If you pretended to ignore him he would stand on
      your face and do the same little dance . After eating he liked to
      lay on his back and have his stomach scratched and not gently
      either. Unfortunately as all to often happens Ralph's love of
      being outdoors was his downfall and he lost a battle with a car.
      He is buried in the yard of the apartment complex I managed in
      San Diego, the first animal that I ever cared for. I told this story
      so I could tell you the story of a PAWS cat this weekend, just a
      little background color I hope you enjoy along with the chips.
      Tomorrow is Friday and Payday my two favorite days of the
      week... buffalo


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      Weight Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      How to Lie to the Bathroom Scale

      1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner ... as well as in the
      morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how
      much weight you've lost overnight.

      2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.

      3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case,
      blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can
      weigh at least a pound.

      4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are
      always five pounds off ... to your advantage.

      5. Always go to the bathroom first.

      6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.

      7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in,
      completely naked, of course.

      8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a
      pound of hair (hopefully).

      9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to
      weigh something, right?).

      10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the
      towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly
      let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You
      will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.

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      Toon Chips
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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      School Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A couple are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and they decide to
      go and visit their old grade school.

      There, in a corner, they hold hands as they find their old desk where he had
      carved, "I love you, Sally."

      On the way home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car in front of
      them. She picks it up and counts it...fifty thousand dollars!! The husband
      says, "We have to give it back." She says, "Finders keepers." When she
      gets home, she hides it in the attic.

      The next day, two FBI men show up at their home. They ask, "Pardon me
      folks, but did anyone in this house find any money that fell out of an
      armored car yesterday?"

      She says, "No." The husband says, "My wife is lying. She took the money and
      hid it in the attic." She says, "Don't believe him, he's a bit senile."

      So they sit the man down and begin to question him. One FBI guy says, "Tell
      us the story from the beginning."

      The old man says,"Well, my wife and I were on our way home from school...."

      The FBI guy looks at his partner and says..."Yep, we are wasting our time.
      Let's get out of here."

      MYant

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      Groaner Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
      After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big
      white horse outside?"

      The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do... Why?"

      The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would
      like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

      The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was ready
      to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water, and soon,
      Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to
      Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can
      create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

      Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver.
      Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar
      to finish his drink.

      A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns
      that big white horse outside?"

      The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this
      time?"

      The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun
      runnin'."

      Remember 9/11
      Terror delendus est.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      Bar Mitzvah Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      There was a young man, who was known for his lack of study and the rabbi of
      the congregation, was not about to let this go unnoticed. He performed his
      Bar Mitzvah, and rose to the occasion as best he could, with the minimal
      lack of preparation.

      When it came time to hand out the gifts, to the young lad, he received the
      usual Kiddush Cup, and Bible, from the congregation.
      But then the rabbi, added a special gift. He said, "You have received many
      gifts today, many treasures of Judaism in book form, that will enrich your
      life, and make it, holy, in the eyes of Hashem...and now for my own special
      gift to you."

      With that he pulled out an UMBRELLA, from behind the lecturn, and told the
      boy, who had become a man, in the previous half hour, "I present you this
      umbrella, because, I WANT TO GIVE YOU A GIFT THAT AT LEAST I KNOW YOU WILL
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      Corporate Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Corporate America
      A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe
      race on the Missouri River. Both the teams practiced hard and long to reach
      their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a
      mile. Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally
      depressed. The American management decided the reason for the crushing
      defeat had to be found. A "Management Team" made up of senior management was
      formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was
      the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American
      team had 8 persons steering and one person rowing.
      So American management hired a consulting company and paid them an
      incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering
      the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent losing to the
      Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally
      organized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1
      assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new
      performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater
      incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First
      Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. "We must give
      the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program."
      The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American
      management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a
      new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new
      equipment. Then they distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior
      executives.

      Jack Cook

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      Groaner Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an
      empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage
      and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of
      workers.

      The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some
      kind of creamy substance on it.
      Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they
      had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.

      "Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief.
      "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"
      (scroll for answer)
      x
      x
      x
      x
      x
      x
      x
      x
      x
      x

      The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

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      Pat

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      Court Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young woman was brought
      before the judge to answer for a ticket she received for driving through a
      red light. She explained to the judge that she was a school teacher and
      requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school
      on time.

      A wild gleam came into the judge's eyes. "You're a schoolteacher, eh?" he
      said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to
      have a schoolteacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write 'I
      will not drive through red lights' 500 times!"


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      Parting Chips
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      Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the
      dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the
      dinosaur bones are?"

      The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

      "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their
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      The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old
      when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."


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      Bonus Chip
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Big Lorenzo, an Italian fella, is bragging to his friends about his
      sons:
      "I'ma so prouda my oldest son. He maka fifty thousand dollar
      evra year. Hes-a Engineer!
      "I even more prouda ma second son. He maka five hunnert thousand
      dollar
      a year. He-sa Doctor!
      "But, I'ma da proudest a ma youngest son. He maka Five million dollar
      a
      year. Hesa Sports Mechanic!"
      Paolo, his friend asks, "What's a Sports Mechanic?"
      Lorenzo replies: "Wella, he can fixa everytin. He fixa da horseraces,
      he fixa da boxin matcha......."

      Amy

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      From The Buffalos Mail Box

      Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
      ( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors stood
      around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )

      To Captain John Maniscalco, Chuck and Txlupine;

      Very well said. 9/11 did so much to destroy our trust and faith in our
      fellow man. I just wish we could restore it as quickly. These people can
      wave the flag, put on a uniform make the right sounding speaches and still
      have no change in their hearts, they do it every day on the news. They have
      been doing it for years and I have no doubt will continue. They have made
      up their minds to hurt us beyond measure, it is a policy they have carried
      out in their own country against their own peoplefor hundreds of years. They
      only understand force and until we make up our minds talking changes
      nothing, we have to use enough force to change their thinking, then we will
      have more and more problems from them. They do not uinderstand our way of
      life and respect for our fellow man, they only understand force and holding
      people down. Will you can't hold someone down unless you stay down
      yourself. I would like to see all the people in this country who are taking
      their side spend a little time in their country and see if after a few weeks
      they still had the same feelings. If these people feel so strongly about how
      we are mistreating them then move there, and stay. Don't forget to take you
      a pine box, you'll need it before long for them to put you in when they get
      finished with you. These people yell about how badly the prisioners are
      being treated in Cuba. I was stationed there at one time and let me tell
      you our conditions then and there's now was very different. Living
      conditons were about the same, some of us were in tents in the summer and
      some in non-air conditioned barraks, a great long room with a roof, there
      was no priviecy. We had no special food because of our religion. You had
      two choices at every meal, take it or leave it and you got no extras. But
      the real difference in treatment was we had to work, 12 to 16 hours a day
      seven days a week and pull a walking guard post for four hours, twice out of
      evey 24 hours three times a week, you worked the next day after gurad duty.
      It was common to go thirty hours or more at a time without your head
      touching a pillow. I would find it hard to believe the military there now
      has it much better. I'll bet about any of these people would be glad to
      change places with any of the vocal idiots and see how they would handle it.
      Sure would have been nice to have had a special diet, listen to the radio,
      lay back in the sun and prase god all day.



      Note for Lane;

      How do you know if your youth is all spent? Good question. Well you go to a
      looking glass and if the face staring back at you says I am old then you are
      old. If that face says my body many turn old, be racked with ills and pain,
      but my mind will never turn old then you are not old. Youth lives in you and
      will until your toes turn up. You are the only person who can keep you young
      an active. You are the only person who can put interest in your life and
      keep it there. You are the only person who can ask the questions and find
      the answers to renew your days. Sure others can make suggestions, offer
      advise and give vast amount of support but only you can make the decisions
      to change or do the things to stay young. You can stop feeling young and
      start back at any time you decide, it is your decision. If you quit staying
      young there is no going back, it's all attitude, days have nothing to do
      with it.


      ~~~~~~~~

      B.Brabant7/30/02 1:53 AMbuffalo@...
      This guy has used your fine newsletter to futher another urban legand. There
      is no truth to this other than the fact that McDonalds is one of the last
      fast food joints to use imported beef. They are importing from Austrailia
      and New Zealand not South America.
      Subject: McDonald's

      ~~~~~~

      When you go to buy bread in the grocery store,
      have you ever wondered which is the freshest, so you "squeeze" for
      freshness or softness. Did you know that bread is delivered fresh to the
      stores five days a week?
      Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.
      Each day has a different

      color twist tie. They are:
      Monday - Blue
      Tuesday - Green
      Thursday - Red
      Friday - White
      Saturday - Yellow
      So if today was Thursday, you would want red twist tie - not white which
      is Fridays (almost a week old)!

      The colors go alphabetically by color Blue -
      Green - Red - White -Yellow, Monday thru Saturday. Very easy to remember.
      I thought this was interesting. I looked in the grocery store and
      the bread wrappers DO have different twist ties, and even the one with
      the plastic clips have different colors.
      You learn something new everyday!!! Enjoy fresh bread when you buy bread
      with the right color on the day you are shopping.

      JMoore

      ~~~~

      Hi Buffalo, quitting smoking was really hard for me. I had all the same
      problems as everyone else, but I just pushed myself every day and it did
      stick. Nobody I know quits overnight. It took me several years, because I'd
      smoked for several years. I had no support, just like most people. If you
      think you can make the change overnight, go for it. Maybe I'm not as strong
      as others, but I just loved the smell and it drove me crazy that "everyone
      else" was smoking and not me.
      One of the forensic physicians told me that there was salt peter and
      formaldehyde in cigarettes and that helped me feel a little better that I
      wasn't embalming myself. LOL If you live with someone who wants to quit,
      support them. You could be next and payback is a bitch. My ex smoked a pipe,
      which had "clean" tobacco in it (no chemicals). I smoked a little pipe for
      awhile and it was fun but not entirely satisfying. The MP's used to
      confiscate it all the time because they thought it was weed. Eventually they
      got tired of getting in trouble with my boss (the commanding general) and
      left me alone. Anyway, all I can say is good luck to everyone who wants to
      quit and to those of you who don't, just leave them alone. When people get
      over their victory of quitting, they go right back to being their
      "wonderful" selves again.
      Stephanie

      ~~~~~~

      God Bless The U.S.A.

      If tomorrow all the things were gone
      I'd worked for all my life,
      And I had to start again
      with just my children and my wife,
      I'd thank my lucky stars
      to be living here today,
      'Cause the flag still stands for freedom
      and they can't take that away.

      I'm proud to be an American
      where at least I know I'm free,
      And I won't forget the men who died
      who gave that right to me,
      And I gladly stand up next to you
      and defend her still today,
      'Cause there ain't no doubt
      I love this land
      God Bless the U.S.A.

      From the lakes of Minnesota
      to the hills of Tennessee,
      Across the plains of Texas
      from sea to shining sea.
      From Detroit down to Houston
      and New York to L.A.,
      There's pride in every American heart
      and it's time we stand and say:

      That I'm proud to be an American
      where at least I know I'm free,
      And I won't forget the men who died
      who gave that right to me,
      And I gladly stand up next to you
      and defend her still today,
      'Cause there ain't no doubt
      I love this land
      God Bless the U.S.A.

      And I'm proud to be an American
      where at least I know I'm free,
      And I won't forget the men who died
      who gave that right to me,
      And I gladly stand up next to you
      and defend her still today,
      'Cause there ain't no doubt
      I love this land
      God Bless the U.S.A

      Calif. Jack.


      ~~~~~~~

      If you have been watching the news on PBS, or some of the cable news
      programs, you are probably aware of the the fact that there are efforts
      under way to file a class actions suit concerning "reparation" (sic) for the
      Blacks. The suit alleges that actions of the whites prior to the Civil War
      resulted in the suppression of the blacks and that their descendents should
      be compensated. A Suit has been prepared and is to be filed that contends
      that several current American corporations profited from the exploitation of
      the blacks in the early 19th century.

      Soon the debate will begin. I would like to say, up front, that I do not
      feel guilty for the crimes of my ancestors. I was raised in Southern Indiana
      by loving parents, who were the Archie Bunker of their days. Even until my
      retirement in 1987, they continued to ask me how I got along with "them".
      "Just fine," was the answer. I learned in Basic Training in 1959, that their
      blood was red just like mine.

      I regret what my forefathers did, or did not do, but, I do not feel
      obligated to make restitutions for their actions. I saw a man on a panel
      program on PBS state, "If your great-grandfather killed my
      great-grandfather, I feel you (the current generation) are also guilty." I'm
      sorry, but, I fail to understand that logic. How am I responsible for my
      great-grandfather's actions 125 years ago?
      --
      Don of Niagara Falls


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      Remember 9/11/01
    • B.Brabant
      Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. To those on the Glist last night s header has been
      Message 67 of 67 , Aug 8, 2002
      • 0 Attachment
        Clean Clean



        Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
        name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

        To those on the Glist last night's header has been included in the
        scuttlebutt section since I forgot to add it to the mailing. I am finally
        getting all of my mail after the fourth call to the techs at my ISP. I
        finally told them I either want all my mail or my money back for the month
        and I would find another ISP for the three 56K dial-up
        connections I have to have because there is no high speed internet
        in the area.
        I saw something very disturbing today in that horses and other
        animals in Dianne's home area of Alberta are starving because
        of a lack of hay due to a drought. Many of the animals are being
        given to rescue agencies to prevent them from being sold to meat packing
        firms for human and animal consumption. Several farmers
        are feeding their cattle a mix of out of date Labatts Beer and
        Potatoes. I have tasted flavors in milk from cows eating turnips
        and onions before but they swear that the milk tastes normal and
        not like a steak fries and Labatt's Blue Ice.
        What is ironic is that every year there are droughts and farmers
        losing their livestock and homes and in areas like Michigan there
        are always fields of hay that are never harvested because there is
        no market for their hay.
        Enjoy the chips and if you don't hear from me tonight, Sandy has
        killed me for the mess we made of the house while she was gone.


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        Stray Cat Chips
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        Rules for Stray Cats

        1. Stray cats will not be fed.
        2. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food.
        3. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food
        moistened with a little milk.
        4. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food
        moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover
        fish scraps.
        5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their
        permanent residence.
        6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with, picked up and
        cuddled unnecessarily.
        7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up or
        cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
        8. Stray cats with or without a name, will not be allowed
        inside the house at any time.
        9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house, except at
        certain times.
        10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house, except on
        days ending in "y".
        11. Stray cats allowed inside, will not be permitted to jump up
        on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
        12. Stray cats will not be permitted to, jump up on or sharpen
        claws on the really good furniture.
        13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture, but must sharpen
        claws on new .99 sisal rope cat scratching post with
        three perches.
        14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
        15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece,
        high impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.
        16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter
        pan, with a three panel privacy screen and plenty of head
        room.
        17. Stray cats will sleep outside.
        18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
        19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.
        20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old
        blanket.
        21. Stray cats will sleep in the special KittyKomfortBed with
        non-allergenic lambs wool pillow.
        22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
        23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except
        at the foot.
        24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under
        the covers.
        25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under
        the covers, except at the foot.
        26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.
        27. Stray cats will not play on the desk, near the computer.
        28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard
        on the desk, when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier'puyy-
        kmm4hb USING IT.

        Dianne
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        Toon Chips
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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Bar Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        A very thirsty man goes into a bar. As he's sitting down, he hears the man
        next to him tell the bartender, "I'll have another waterloo."

        The bartender gives the fellow a tall, well-iced drink, then
        asks the newcomer what he would like to drink. Thinking the other man's
        drink may be a specialty of the house, he says, "I'll have a waterloo, too."


        The bartender gives him the tall, well-iced drink, and the
        customer takes a big drink.

        "Hey," he says, "this isn't any good. It tastes just like
        water!"

        The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, "Well, it is water.
        Right, Lou?"

        Dianne

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        Groaner Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Visitor's Day At The Lunatic Asylum
        It was visitor's day at the lunatic asylum.
        All the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria."
        They were singing it beautifully.
        Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it
        rhythmically with a pencil.
        A visitor listened in wonder to the performance and then approached the
        choir.
        "I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs
        have ever heard."
        "Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.
        "You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?"
        "Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor...
        "They're the Moron Tapanapple Choir."

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        Psych Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning
        rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found a
        patient sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of
        wood in half. A second patient was hanging from the
        ceiling, by his feet.

        The doctor asked the first patient what he was doing. The
        patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of
        wood in half?"

        The doctor inquired of the first patient what the other
        patient was doing. The first patient replied, "Oh. He's my
        friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light
        bulb." The doctor looks up and notices the second
        patient's face is going all red.

        The doctor asks the first patient, "If he's your friend,
        you should get him down from there before he hurts
        himself." The first patient replies, "What? And work in
        the dark?"


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        LynnLynn's Links
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        Thank you all for your prayers. There is only one set of footprints right
        now, and they are not mine....tomorrow I sign the papers so they will not
        resuscitate him....he is in God's hands and in total control....he is
        intubated, being forced fed, alert but sleeping....the doctors say it will
        take a miracle, well, I believe in miracles and know first hand that God
        does so miracles....

        What ever happens, I know it is the will of God and he will give me the
        peace that passeth all understanding..

        Thank you all again, keep lifting him up before our Lord in prayers...

        Love you all....


        Love you, Joan
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        Pregnant Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        FATAL THINGS TO SAY IF YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT

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        "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay like that!"

        "Well, couldn't they induce labour? The 25th is the Super Bowl."

        "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

        "Get your own ice cream."


        Greg


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        Teaching Chips
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        "If I were Rockefeller," sighed the Hebrew teacher from Chelm, "I'd be
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        His friend asked, "What do you mean? How could you be richer?"

        "I'd do a little teaching on the side."



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        Navy Chips
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        Skipper," the sailor said to his captain as he saluted, "a special
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        "Read it to me," the captain ordered.
        The sailor read, "You are without a doubt the most idiotic, lamebrained
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        The skipper responded, "Have that communication decoded at once!"


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        Bonus Chip
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        A German post office sent a card wishing a man good luck in his new
        home, only to find he had changed his address because he was in
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        The cards are automatically sent out as a customer relations scheme to
        welcome Germans to their new address.

        But the good wishes failed to bring a smile to the face of the
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        The card said "The post office wishes you a good move", and advised
        the new homeowner to get enjoy settling in.

        It read, "You've made it - and now you have earned a rest so you can
        get used to your new surroundings."

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        From The Buffalos Mail Box

        Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
        ( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors stood
        around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )
        Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
        name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

        On the subject of cats I dragged a sea story out of the archives for
        tonight . On that particular cruise we left for overseas with 5 cats
        two on the bow , two on the waist or angle deck and one in the
        Master-at-Arms Shack. The fifth cat left us for a new home in Hawaii because
        of the problems involved with visiting foreign ports with an animal onboard.
        but anyhow as promised here is a cat story.

        Each aircraft carrier has four catapults referred to as cats. These are
        large steam propelled pistons that can accelerate a plane to 100 m.p.h in
        about 500 ft and quickly enough for the "G' forces to pin you back in the
        seat. A fully loaded plane can weigh anywhere from 50.000 - 60,000 lbs so
        there is always discussion as to how fast a smaller load could be
        accelerated or how far it will fly. This was demonstrated to us one time
        between the Philippines and Yokouska ,Japan.. We were to be operating in the
        Sea of Japan for an extended period of time in support of the South
        Koreans.. Because of the long sea period the captain had stated that no
        personal vehicles would be allowed on board during that time. Shortly
        before departure there appeared in the hanger bay a cherry 1951 Chevy
        pick-up belonging to the hanger deck officer. As the saying goes rank has
        it's privileges and most considered the man lucky to be able to take his
        truck with him. The Captain however considered it an attempt to undermine
        his authority and ordered the truck disposed of..
        Word traveled quickly that the truck was to be shot off the flight
        deck and everyone not on watch sat glued to the ship's closed -circuit tv
        system and
        waited for the launch.
        On the flight deck crewmen hooked it up to the catapult and fooled
        around placing their buddies in the cab as pilots . A CO2 extinguisher on
        each side of the bed spit out smoke -like trails and finally unmanned the
        command was given to launch . Under a bare minimum of power the little 3000
        lb.truck accelerated to about 60 m.p.h a lot faster than her designers had
        ever planned. It sailed a hundred feet and then dived into the water ..
        Let's face it 1951 Chevies just weren't that aerodynamic. It, bobbed for a
        second before the 80,000 ton carrier traveling at
        30 knots sent it to the bottom.

        Wonder how far a batch of Chips would fly? heh heh Enjoy today's chips and
        hang on as wepick up speed towrds the weekend

        Hi Buff,
        The déjà vu jokes reminded me of there three:

        .somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before: deja
        fu
        ...it hasn't happened yet: vuja de (Thanks, Mike)

        Q: What happens when you have déjà vu and amnesia at the same time?
        A: You have the feeling that you're forgetting the same thing over and over.
        (I keep gettin that one mixed up with CRS: Can't Remember Stuff - I cleaned
        that one up.)

        When we rescued Mister Cat, he was about 9 months old and had a broken hip.
        In 1999, we had to have our him put down after 12 years. That was a sad
        time. I said that was it for pets. Last September, I saw a picture ad in the
        paper from the SPCA. I was on jury duty at the time so I sent my husband
        down to the SPCA to get the cat. When Jack saw the cat he wasn't sure it WAS
        a cat! That is how we came to have Corky. He's a Cornish Rex, about 9 years
        old. Corky is the sweetest, most loving cat I have ever had. And such a
        personality! We both love him. I am attaching his photo.



        Buffette Sidney...Bakersfield, CA

        Buffalo says sorry I am not able to show these pics.

        ~~~~

        Buffalo,
        So now you are jumping in bed with the likes of the very biggoted Jerry
        Falwell....
        Bad Buffalo... Bad buffalo
        heheehehee

        Buffalo says And that is worse than being in bed with say Bill Clinton?

        ~~~~


        Buff,
        I can remember stories like this (below) from parents of American soldiers
        in
        Vietnam, yet we should not have been there, as time has proven. There are
        also kind acts by Arabs. There is always goodness before, during and even
        after the most evil acts and in the "actors."
        The justification of both "evil actors" on both sides of this conflict are
        not convincing. The production of the next victims blood should not have our
        support. I have heard of so much wrong, yet an incredible imbalance of who
        is
        getting support.
        And I remember, too, the allegiance both actors to other evil actors in
        history, recent and not so recent. ..in Zimbabwe and South Africa and Turkey
        against the Kurds, recently and the other's in WWII.
        Self interest has created more wrongs for the next biblical history.....
        - don, Lexington
        ============================
        You printed -
        Choose Your Music
        By Pnina Isseroff
        Musician and Writer
        Raanana, Israel

        As the Israeli mother of two sons, now 19 and 22, I have attended a great
        many ceremonies at school, camp, and now, the army. Yesterday my husband
        and I drove down to the desert and sat in a grandstand as my son and 128
        other young men and women stood on the parade ground in 41C degree (105F!)
        heat to receive their non-commissioned officer stripes in the artillery
        corps. And once again, as always happens at these events, we were struck
        by
        one of the wonderful anomalies of our military's existence. The music.
        Almost all the songs played while the soldiers march, are songs about
        peace.
        About the end of war. About how glorious it will be when we can take off
        our uniforms and live in peace. About flowers in the barrels of our guns.
        About using destroyers to transport oranges. About the dove with the olive
        branch. About peace.

        This is why, when we hear international media reports of massacres, WE know
        who to believe. We know how we have educated our children from pre-school.
        We know what songs they have been singing. We know of the reservist guys
        who took up a collection from their own pockets and gave a Palestinian
        family 2000 shekels to repair the hole they had to break in the wall of
        their house when looking for terrorists. We know the guys who rolled up
        the
        carpets and washed the floor of the house they had to occupy, so they could
        return it in good condition to its owners. We know the soldiers who
        volunteered to give blood to help the Arab civilians that were wounded
        during a battle. We know them because they are our sons and our husbands
        and brothers, and because we know what songs they have been singing, all
        their lives, even when being awarded military honors.



        I am certain there are exceptions to this rule, that not every soldier is
        noble and moral, that some abuse their power, that a few may even enjoy
        brutality. But they are rejected by the mainstream. Boys in the army are
        constantly lectured on The Purity of Arms, and how a soldier must be a
        moral
        person. This is a long tradition, from before the rise of the State, and
        has remained our tradition through all the wars forced upon us, and even
        during this long dispute, which, if anyone does his homework, will realize
        is the result of yet another war forced upon us which we refused to lose.
        This is why the Israeli army is what it is. And this is why evidence
        showing us babies being brought up on blood and bombs and suicide and Jihad
        makes us only feel more strongly the morality of fighting for our little
        corner of the world.

        If you want to know the truth, listen to the music. It's loud and clear

        ~~~~~~~

        merry meet

        just to respond to the individual who requested
        sources for some of the 'founding father' quotes,
        may i suggest you start with the following url(s),
        after which you may wish to follow some of the
        links or utilize a search engine of your choice.

        http://www.freethought-web.org/ctrl/quotes_founders.html
        for the appendix go to
        http://www.freethought-web.org/ctrl/quotes_appendix.html

        you also might want to check-out the following:
        http://www.theology.edu/journal/volume2/ushistor.htm

        http://www.dimensional.com/~randl/founders.htm

        blessed be
        bicyclebob

        ~~~

        Dear Buffalo,

        I am sorry you lost your lovely cat - but forgive me for maybe
        misunderstanding - but didnt you mention it was several years ago and that
        it was when you were living in Detroit as an appartment manager. Many people
        sending their wishes seem to think it was yesterday....even if it feels like
        yesterday - selective reading...

        Anyway, regarding 9-11, I think as America gathered together as a community
        and sent everything they had to help those who were hit by the terrible act
        of terrorism, so it should be celebrated. Who really wants to hear mindless
        musicians all singing 'popular' songs', constant broadcasts of the towers
        being hit, with footage from various angles. The smouldering ruins.

        A documentary of the people affected, how they got on with everything, the
        firemen, the NYPD, the Paramedics, how they continue to face the daily
        nightmare of what else they might be called out to.

        The story you ran of the NYPD officer who was tagging everyone, said enough.
        A collection of such stories from the people at Ground zero should be made
        into a book and the raw emotion of which they went through should be there
        clear as daylight and let people buy it to help the firedeprtments and other
        areas needing the funds.

        I can see even though some of us are in Europe, we will be drowned by the
        same thing for 24 hours. I think seeing something like that once in your
        life is enough, no need for re-runs. But finding out how the families are
        coping would be nice to know.

        Imagine, all the people in your community gathering together to pray as they
        did that night, praying to whatever Gods they have and asking for
        forgiveness for the sinners and collecting for the local charities and being
        a community instead of people heard on scanners, or seen going to and from
        work.

        nosasmum

        Buffalo says two cats , two stories.

        ~~~~~~~

        From Hot Buttons
        WILL PEOPLE WATCH SEPT. 11 COVERAGE?
        ...Some networks say instead of selling commercials they may ink
        sponsorship deals, offering marketers a low-key form of credit for
        underwriting programming.
        -- Are marketers right in not buying ads during Sept. 11 programming?
        -- Does the public want marathon Sept. 11 programming on the anniversary
        of the terrorist attacks?

        The marathon thing is probaby good, and I think that ads in the middle
        would NOT be good. The sponsor-ship thing is a good idea, we can't
        expect the "mararthon" to be free, and whoever is paying deserves to
        have their name recognised. Never forget 9-11.

        TC R

        ~~~~~~~

        Two Weeks Ago
        you lost your wallet, in your own home.
        then you are permitted to go outside, by yourself, and you lose your keys...

        what next?

        lose your mind?

        ttfn
        me

        Buffalo says lost my mind years ago

        ~~~~~

        Dear B Vos
        I understand your being upset about the religious joke. I have done a lot of
        research on the web for inspirational web pages. I myself have a very deep
        devotion to the Lord. Many of the web pages I see contain a lot of humor
        such as was in the joke. When something kinda hits me the wrong way I try to
        remember the quote "The Good Lord Sure Do Love A Good Laugh!" I can't tell
        you where I read this or who said it but I do know it was an old Afro
        American woman.
        Also I love the billboard that says---
        ***Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God***
        There are lessons everywhere!
        Smiles :-)
        ~Pogo

        ~~~~~~~

        Question about the blood: Do the Israelis accept Palestinian blood? I'd
        wager they won't, not most of them anyway. Just a thought to keep balance.

        Carol

        ~~~~~~

        Just read your thoughts on drinking water and thought you might get a laugh
        out of this...

        -----
        Better take it easy on the water, you never know what effect it will have on
        you........




        Be SURE you get all the way to the bottom of this!


        Importance of water, are you drinking enough?
        We all know that water is important but I've never seen it written
        down like this before.

        75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated.

        In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is
        often mistaken for hunger.

        Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.

        One glass of water shuts down midnight hunger pangs for almost
        100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study.

        Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.

        Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day
        could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of
        sufferers.

        A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory,
        trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen
        or

        Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon
        cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%,
        and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.

        Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?

        (No kidding, all of the above is true.)

        ~~~~~

        This country was not founded by people fleeing state-run religion. The first
        English settlers were capitalists and adventurers and arrived in Virginia in
        1607. And the Church of England was the official state religion in Virginia
        until the Revolution.
        The Pilgrims certainly believed in state-run religion, as they imposed it
        themselves once they settled in Massachusetts. (The Pilgrims, by the way,
        were headed for Virginia, but their ship captain got lost.)

        ~~~~~~



        "The Rainbow Bridge"

        There is a bridge connecting Heaven and Earth.

        It is called the Rainbow Bridge because of its

        many colors. Just this side of the Rainbow

        Bridge there is a land of meadows, hills, and

        valleys with lush green grass.

        When a beloved pet dies, the pet goes to this

        place. There is always food and water and

        warm Spring weather. The old frail animals

        are young again. They play all day with each other.

        There is only one thing missing, they are not with

        their special person who loved them so much on

        Earth so, each day they run and play until the day

        comes when one suddenly stops playing and looks

        up! The nose twitches! The ears rise up! The

        eyes are staring!

        Then suddenly, this one runs from the group! You

        have been seen, and when you and your special

        friend meet, you take him or her into your arms and

        you both embrace. Your face is licked again and

        again and you look once more into the eyes of your

        trusting pet. Then you cross the Rainbow Bridge

        together, never again to be separated

        Ken M


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