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Chips For Mon

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  • B.Brabant
    Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. On June 20, 1868, a proclamation signed by the
    Message 1 of 25 , Jul 1, 2002
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      Clean Clean



      Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
      name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

      On June 20, 1868, a proclamation signed by the Governor General, Lord Monck,
      called upon all Her Majesty's loving subjects throughout Canada to join in
      the celebration of the anniversary of the formation of the union of the
      British North America provinces in a federation under the name of Canada on
      July 1st.
      The July 1 holiday was established by statute in 1879, under the name
      Dominion Day. In 1982 this holiday became Canada Day. I would like
      to wish all of our friends and neighbors to the North a safe and fun
      holiday tomorrow. One of the advantages to living on the border is being
      able to share and enjoy each others holidays. For years we have watched
      the firework show across the river. It is always amusing to listen to the
      oohs and ahs from the Canadian Side after the fireworks have already
      died out because of the distance the sound must travel. This year the
      fireworks will be a good place to go after the Firehouse Concert ends
      the Locks Festival.
      Enjoy the chips and be careful, holiday or not, its still Monday,
      especially our friend Bo in Ohio. No more falling down the
      basement stairs while you are talking on the phone...buffalo



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      Talmud Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      THE ETERNAL JEWISH TRUTHS OF YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S TALMUD

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      It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job.
      If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
      No one looks good in a yarmulke.
      Who else could have invented the 50 minute hour?
      Never pick your nose in shul; it's the one place you know He's watching.
      Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
      WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
      Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
      Wine needs to breathe, so don't rush through the kiddish.
      Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur.
      There's nothing like a good belch.
      Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of
      magnesia.
      Never pay retail.
      It's always a bad hair day if you're bald.
      No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves with a
      hangover.
      The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
      And what's so wrong with dry turkey?
      If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too.
      Always leave a little room for the Viennese table.
      Always whisper the names of diseases.
      One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
      If you don't eat, it will kill me.
      Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
      The most important word to know in any language is sale.
      Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
      Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
      Prune danish is definitely an acquired taste.
      Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
      Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
      Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.
      The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which
      alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
      Before you read the menu, read the prices.
      There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his
      mother he's an adult. This usually happens at around age 45.
      Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't
      Jewish.
      If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for
      everyone else to hear.
      No meal is complete without leftovers.
      If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford
      it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
      The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot
      at the mall.

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      Toon Chips
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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Short Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A young man was applying for a job in a big company. "I'm sorry," said
      the personnel manager, "but the firm is overstaffed; we have more
      employees now than we really need." "That's all right," replied the
      young man, undiscouraged, "the little bit of work I do wouldn't be
      noticed.

      ~~~~~


      Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied female
      obesity to a virus. One evening my sister came home exhausted from a
      long day at work.

      "Did you read the paper?" she asked. "I'm not going in to work tomorrow.

      I'm calling in fat."

      ~~~~

      When I was 28, I was teaching English in a high school where
      occasionally the faculty and staff were allowed to dress down. One of
      those days I donned a sweatshirt and slacks.

      A student came in, and his eyes widened. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "You
      should wear clothes like that every day. You look twenty, maybe even
      thirty years younger!"

      --Mary Nichols in READER'S DIGEST



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      Pickle Chips
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      May 5, 1863
      Here on the frontier, I sometimes wonder if the ancients were right. With no
      other friendly face within 150 miles, it seems as if I have fallen off the
      edge of the Earth.
      I spend my time now reading what books I have and cultivating my patch of
      cucumbers (which I brought back from the Holy Land, cf. Prince of Thieves).
      The "purpose" of this fort, to hold back the Indians, has fallen away with
      my civilized veneer.

      May 7, 1863
      This morning I had an interesting and silent encounter. One of the tribe of
      Indians nearby watched me perform my morning tasks and then left without a
      word. I am excited by the prospect of contact with the natives of the area.

      May 20, 1863
      I have finally convinced the Indians to parlay with me. I taught them the
      word for "fort", feeling that it would be simple enough for them to learn.
      They in turn taught me the Indian word "titonka", apparently a small but
      tough, powerfully merchandised horseless carriage of metal construction. I
      envy these people their simplicity.

      June 7, 1863
      Today I visited the Indians' village. It is on one of the many flat-topped
      plateaus in the area. As the decline of the buffalo proceeds, so too does
      this Indian tribe face decline. I will try to teach them agriculture.
      They have also told me their name for themselves. It is "Anasazi"... which
      apparently means "people called Anasazi" in their language. I am called by
      them "Stinchapecsal" which means "he who should bathe more regularly".

      July 8, 1863
      A rude awakening. The Indians are fully aware of agriculture and in fact
      have nothing to do with the buffalo (what kind of nomadic tribe would build
      a village on a mesa?); unfortunately, they are suffering a drought.
      Knowing a remedy, I have told them to dig a ditch from the nearby stream up
      the mountainside to their mesa-top fields. In the meantime, I am pickling my
      cucumbers.

      July 20, 1863
      The drought is desperate, but the ditch is finished and my pickles are
      ready. I am lining the ditch with pickles. The Anasazi are doubtful, but I
      have promised them results in the morning.

      July 21, 1863
      Success! The stream has been diverted and now flows up the mountainside to
      the Anasazi fields. Amazed by this seeming magic, I told them that it was
      simply a well-known fact in my world. After all, everyone knows that "dill
      waters run steep".

      Chalapathi
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      Short Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      In a stationery store, I quickly picked out a card for my wife for our
      anniversary.
      The clerk was surprised by how little time it took me, and she began
      relating a story about another customer who spent a half-hour searching for
      the right anniversary greeting.
      Noticing the man lingering over one card after another, the clerk went to
      see if she could help. "Is there a problem?" she asked.
      "Yes, there is," he replied ruefully. "I can't find one my wife will
      believe."

      ~~~

      My father was extremely nervous about his first funeral service as a Navy
      chaplain, but the undertaker assured him that he would prompt him. All went
      well until, at the close, the undertaker whispered to him to instruct the
      family to come up and view the body.
      "Will the family now come forward and pass around the bier," said my father.
      He cringed inwardly when he heard his own words.
      Later, as my father was leaving, he overheard two of the cemetery workers
      talking. "I didn't get any beer," one said. "Did you?" "You heard the
      chaplain," the other replied. "It was just for the family."

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      Balloon Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced
      altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more
      and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a
      friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where
      I am."

      The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon
      hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are
      between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59
      and 60 degrees west longitude."

      "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

      "I am," replied the woman, "how did you know?"

      "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is
      technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your
      information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not
      been much help so far."

      The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

      "I am," replied the balloonist, but how did you know?"

      "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or
      where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to
      a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you
      have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you
      to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
      position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my
      fault."


      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      School Chips Via Big Al
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Embarrass Him Back!
      One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office.
      When I
      walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair,
      wearing
      pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her.
      "I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass
      me, I
      would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school.
      So now I've come to spend the day with him!"
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      Blind Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Your blind guy joke remindedme of another:

      A man is walking his dog, and passes a little restaurant; the cooking smells
      are so tempting, he decides he would like to stop for lunch, but the sign
      says no animals are permited.

      After a couple of moment's thought, he decided to brazen it out: he walks
      into the shop, with his dog on a leash and asks to be seated. The waiter
      says "I am sorry sir, but we do not permit animals in the restaurant."

      The man says,"But I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog."

      The waiter responds skeptically: "Your seeing eye dog? Sir, that dog is a
      Chihuahua."

      The man responds: "Oh, they gave me a Chihuahua?"

      Lane
      Miami


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      Parting Chips from Amy
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      Bonus Chip
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A first time prisoner is placed in his cell with a
      cellmate. Before long it is time for "lights out" and the
      cellblock becomes dark nearly silent.

      Eventually a voice from across the cellblock cries out
      "twenty-two!" and everyone breaks out into loud and
      prolonged laughter. A little while later another voice
      calls out "forty-one!" and again the entire cellblock
      enjoys a hearty laugh.

      The new prisoner is confused and asks his cellmate what
      this is all about. The cellmate replies that they have
      been in prison so long that rather than tell the same
      jokes over and over, they have assigned numbers to them as
      a more efficient way to tell jokes. The new prisoner asks
      if he could give it a try. His cellmate says "Sure, why
      not tell number eighteen!"

      No response whatsoever.....not even a snicker! The new
      prisoner is confused and asks his cellmate what went
      wrong.

      The cellmate replies, "Some people just don't know how to
      tell a joke!"

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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      From The Buffalos Mail Box

      Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
      ( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors stood
      around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )


      I might as well put my two cents in on this pledga topic. I read in the
      paper
      that the guy who sstarted this mess with the law suit was quoted as saying
      about all the commotion " very interesting... I'm having lots of fun." This
      seems to be his fifteen minutes of fame.
      Now the way that I feel is that this country has freedom of religion. In his
      case freedom from no religion. All these law suits has me upset because he
      is
      free to do what he wants and I am free to worship as I please. I think it
      would be fooliosh of me to go to court to force everyone to worship as I do.
      So, In our land of live and let live the courts should not try to force
      anyones belief on others.
      We have Americans fighting for our right to live free. Hope the courts don't
      destroy what our Military personnel are fighting for.
      Old Army Sgt.


      ~~~~~~~

      Hi
      I have sent this to both of the addresses that I have for you.
      Recently I have noticed here in upstate New York that most of the gas
      stations and convenience stores are being run and or owned by immigrants. I
      have no objection to this as such but also have noticed that these places
      never sold RC Cola in the past and now it is found in most of them. Okay no
      big deal.. more soda choices. But and it is a big but, I have heard that the
      company that manufactures this particular soda is being owned or backed up
      by Osama Bin Laden or whatever the snakes name is. Now I do not know if this
      is true or not and wondered if anyone else has heard this. I do know that
      until I hear different I will try my best not to go into these places and
      give them good American money. Sandy D


      ~~~~~~

      Hi Buffalo,

      The person who wrote " If only all people
      would get to know each other as persons, then I believe conflict would be
      at
      a lower level" The name of the person who wrote that was not mentioned, and
      yes he can mail me anytime.To Avonlea,you said"I do not allow myself to
      hate anyone. We
      are all equal in the eyes of God.(I don't suppose Allah feels the same, but
      that is another matter entirely). That is not entirely true Avonlea,The
      Quran teaches us too that we should respect all relegions and live as one
      ,and hatred even towards your enemy is a sin.It is our human nature to be
      weak ,to not follow the tough rules,and make rules that justify our
      actions.Most of the suffering in the world today could be healed if we
      followed the teachings of whatever your relegion is ,because no relegion
      teaches you to hate ,to kill and make war.

      Shanavas

      ~~~~~

      Buffalo says Bob who has been a frequent contributor of chips
      in the past asked for a hand in getting his girlfriend's Tupperware
      venture off to a start. I want to wish Amy good luck . Tupperware
      is a subject we don't talk about in this house ever since I lost a
      couple of lids and got caught using he wifes small funnel for
      pouring tranny fluid into the Olds.... so anyhow.

      Greetings All! I just wanted to let all of you know that I have started
      selling Tupperware part-time, if any of you ever need Tupperware or would
      like to have a party you can reach me several ways, via my email address -
      aslym2001@..., or you can visit my very own web
      page (which has convenient on line ordering) at
      www.my.tupperware.com/amystlawrence. Please feel free to pass any of this
      information along to your friends and family.

      Thank you for your time!

      Peace and Love!

      Amy

      ~~~~~~

      Hi Buffalo and to all that read his E-zine.
      I am going to add my thoughts to the Pledge Allegiance fray.
      Up to now nobody has said anything about the maybe, Thousand other
      children that are affected by this decision.
      The 9th. Circuit Court has gone out of their way to protect the Rights
      of One 9 year old girl. In the same respect, they have violated the Rights
      of all the other children in the States that now have to abide by their
      ruling.
      In reality, or how I look at it, Those judges based their ruling on an
      assumption that the words "Under God" have a religious meaning. In any
      dictionary I have looked at each word has their own meaning and there is no
      mention of Religion. So, what was declared unconstitutional are nothing but
      words. Certainly a Landmark decision.
      The judges made their ruling with blinders on and very shortsighted. As
      on of your subscribers pointed out, it now should make our money
      unconstitutional. Where does it end?
      This ruling must be appealed and overturned. I would also, look into
      removing these judges as they are to me, inept, misinterpret the law, and
      bias in their decision.

      Thank you,
      David R.

      ~~~~~~


      I WAS JUST WONDERING IF YOU HAD CHECKED YOUR OWN SUBMITTAL UNDER ANIMAL
      WORLD ON JUNE 29TH OF THIS YEAR REF: THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE BY RED
      SKELTON.

      Kitty Korner
      POOFCAT I Pledge Allegiance -- By Red Skelton
      http://home.att.net/~poofcatt/july.html

      I FOUND IT MORE MOVING THAN ANYTHING ANYONE HAS SAID SO FAR.

      THANK YOU FOR MANY INTERESTING HOURS.

      MAC

      Buffalo says, Yes it is one of our favorite pieces by a very
      special lady. I can remember seeing this piece done on the
      Red Skelton Show so many years ago, I wonder if he knew
      what the future would bring?

      ~~~~~~

      Hey Buff,

      I read in my mail yesterday that the Supreme Court (I believe it was
      California but it could have been Federal...the meds make the memory touchy
      for little details like that) has outlawed the recitation of the Pledge of
      Allegiance in your schools (presumably public schools). This decision is
      one of the most ridiculous of a series of totally moronic decisions I have
      heard.

      Now as I understood the article is is because of that statement "one nation,
      under God, Indivisible". That is not what the framers meant when they
      insisted on the separation of church and state...they wanted to avoid the
      situations in Europe where the church could control the government. they
      weren't thinking of the mention of the word God...the word god/God is not a
      religion. It is a reference to what we call the creator and it exists in
      all religions...I am Wiccan...we refer to god and goddess and to both by
      numerous names...Allah, Yahweh, and Jehovah are one and the same
      concepts...so what if they are mentioned in a statement that is meant to
      express your devotion and loyalty to your country ( I have always admired
      the way the Americans wear their love of their country on their sleeve).

      Okay...now mentioning God may meet with the disapproval of the
      atheists...okay...when they are reciting the Pledge, let them leave tose two
      little words 'under God' out.

      Have you ever wondered how commonsensical and protective the law could be if
      we didn't have lawyers and judges screwing around with it all the time in
      their petty little semantic exercises that would have the signers of the
      Declaration of Independence whirling like a lathe in their graves.

      Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
      Blessed be y'all!
      da Mojo

      ~~~~~~

      Dear Uncle George,

      Righ on Brother, I know some great watering holes we can stop at along the
      way. One of my favorite was "The Working Man's Friend" next to the railroad
      switch yards in Indianapolis. It used to be run by two brothers, Carl and
      Earl Samokins (sic). Some great tales to be told and great memories, not to
      be forgotten.
      --
      Don of Niagara Falls

      ~~~~~~

      Buffalo

      Here is a great quote: In his famous "Tree of Liberty" letter of 1787,
      Thomas Jefferson wrote,
      "...the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood
      of patriots & tyrants. It is it's natural manure."


      Jim
      ~~~~~

      Do you guys need to wear sweaters?

      Re: The temperature has been in the mid to high 80's the past two days


      Here in Las Vegas, we don't expect it to drop below 100 till August.

      But it is a "DRY HEAT", sort of like HELL !

      Donald

      ~~~~~

      The first amendment to the United States Constitution reads "Congress shall
      make no law respecting an establishment or religion, or prohibiting the free
      exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or
      the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the
      Government for a redress of grievances."

      The phrase "separation of church and state" does not appear in any of our
      governmental documents. It came from a letter written by Thomas Jefferson to
      the president of the Baptist convention in Danbury, Connecticut. He was
      expressing his hope that the United States would never have a state church
      such as England does in the Church of England or the Anglican Church. He was
      not advocating that church & state can never coexist. The idea of promoting
      this as law in the US probably came from the ACLU (the Anti-Christian
      Liberals Union as it should be called.) People keep waving that phrase about
      as if it were part of our law, and thank God it is not. I don't believe that
      acknowledging God is at all a violation of anyone's "rights." We have lost
      much of our freedom in the US. However, a bigger problem is that too many
      people mistake license for liberty. Most people want to be able to do as
      they please, which is a far cry from having freedom from oppression, which
      was the intent of our founding fathers.
      avonlea

      ~~~~~~


      Just wanted to add my two cents as a 100% Disabled Vet. Our country was
      founded by a bunch of people who were looking for religious freedom among
      other things. After we won our independence and began to form our
      government the Constitution was written, among other documents. When the
      paragraph was written that dealt with separation of church and state, it was
      intended to protect the church from the government, not the government from
      the church. Our lawyers/attorneys and judges have totally lost site of that
      fact. In fact most of the problems that we face today are due to lawyers
      and judges. Shoot them all and go back to common sense. Because the
      lawyers sure as hell don't have any.

      Will

      ~~~~~~

      What Arab country would allow us to live there
      and demand that they print everything in English and Arabic so
      we could understand.

      Palestine. In 1919, Hebrew was a dead language; Torah scholars read it but
      no one spoke it. The Jews living in Palestine spoke Yiddish. The
      International Zionist Congress insisted that the British print all signs in
      Hebrew. So, all signs were printed in English, since it was an English
      protectorate, in the Arabic that the few literate native Arabs read, AND in
      Hebrew. Businesses that posted signs in Yiddish were vandalized and
      picketed by the Zionists. Israel's reviving the Hebrew language is one of
      the most remarkable linguistic feats of history.


      ~~~~~~~

      Just a mention of an item locally about the two ticket policy of Southwest
      airlines. There was a fellow here who went on the local television news when
      this was announced and stated that he had tried to purchase two tickets for
      himself many times prior to the recent announcement. He had been turned down
      each time. The reason he was given was that each seat had to have a
      different occupant identification and therefore he could not have two seats.

      Reckon they have too many rules? Lord help us all !!


      Glen

      ~~~~~~


      Buffalo, I seem to remember that in grammar school in the 30's
      we learned that immigrants had to be LEGAL residents for a five
      year period before applying for citizenship. One of the qualifications
      to be met was a basic understanding of written and spoken English.
      The five year period was to allow them to acclimate themselves to
      America, and give them time to learn the country's language.
      Has this basic requirement been thrown out ?
      Rick Taylor (Another War Eagler )



      Buffalo,
      I go into a 7-11 and buy one bug of chips for a Buck, and say
      "one bag satisfies me ". In walks an obese person who says,
      It takes Two bags to satisy me, and why should I have to pay
      more than the guy ahead of me? " Is this what we are coming
      to ? Picture this , The annual convention of Gluttons International
      is requiring a whole bunch of airline seats. Each person has to
      have two seats, and 100 people fill the 200 seat aircraft,as well
      approaching Maximum weight allowed, considering fuel weight for
      the flight. The airline must sell 75 to 80% of seats to break even.
      Why should the Airline have to lose money on that flight ? All they
      have to sell is SEATS. You use two... you pay for two.
      I notice that mens pants over size 44 cost about 15% more. Seems
      fair to me.
      Everybody with a grain of intelligence know full well that if you
      take in more calories than you burn, you WILL gain weight. In spite
      of this knowledge, there are folks who, for whatever reason, have
      undergone a lifetime of self indulgence, with a total lack of self control.
      When these folks have knowing done this to themselves, why do some
      folks think that others should shoulder the extra costs of obesity ?
      BTW I'm 5'7" 205Lbs with 42" pants. I'm the one responsible. no one else.
      Rick Taylor ( Ok, I'll take my soap box and leave...)


      ~~~~~~

      In regards to the lady whose aunt was forced to purchase the extra seat.
      If it was ME, I would have DEMANDED the extra seat that I paid for!!
      She paid for two, so she should GET two!! If the seat was refused, I
      would insist that I get a refund for the extra seat! That is like
      paying for two burgers and getting only one because the guy behind you
      in line wanted the other one. Too many people are afraid to stand up
      for their right when it comes to things like that.

      TC R



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    • B.Brabant
      Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Although I was able to quit smoking using the patch
      Message 2 of 25 , Jul 7, 2002
      • 0 Attachment
        Clean Clean


        Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
        name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

        Although I was able to quit smoking using the patch system
        my wife fought it the whole way through. Where I stopped
        using the minimum dose of the patch a week early, she required
        an extra week and even then wasn't very happy. She quit for
        about 8 months and then when I sent her to Orlando to visit
        her sister, she started smoking again. My daughter even after
        seeing first hand the effects on us decided she was going to
        start smoking also. I forbid the daughter to smoke in the
        house which cut down my exposure and moved myself into
        the spare bedroom so that I wouldn't have to put up with her
        smoke because she actually increased her consumption. At
        least I don't have to pay 7 dollars a pack, in fact by using
        LynnLynn's link to Senecca smokes you can get them as
        low as 12.50 a carton . The wife won't settle for generics
        but I still get a good deal even though it is like adding
        insult to injury.
        I guess as stubborn as I am against smoking , the wife is as
        stubborn for and you cannot make someone quit what they
        don't want to quit. I have a friend named Otis that I watched
        smoke a cigarette with not one but two patches on his arm
        while chewing a piece of nicotine gum and I have seen other
        people almost die just wearing a low dose patch from heart
        arrhythmia . Now the FDA blocked the sale of nicotine water
        because they are afraid young people will get a nicotine buzz
        from it. Whatever the form it is a powerful addiction to some
        that becomes more expensive each day and like all things
        forbidden it becomes something else for our children to
        aggravate us with.. enjoy the chips ... the ex-smokin buffalo


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        Shocking Chips
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        Three Alabama boys go down to Mexico one night and get drunk and wake
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        The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any
        last words. He says, "I am from the Samford School of Divinity and I
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        They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want
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        The last one is strapped in and says, "Well I'm an Auburn University
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        anybody if you don't connect those two wires."


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        Psych Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Darryl and Harold were in a mental institution.
        The place had an unusual annual contest, picking two of the best patients
        and giving them two
        questions. If they got them correct, they were deemed cured and free to go.
        Darryl was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood
        that he'd be free if
        he answered the questions correctly.
        Darryl said "yes" and the doctor proceeded.
        "Darryl, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"
        Darryl said, "I'd be half blind."
        "That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?"
        "I'd be completely blind."
        The doctor stood up, shook Darryl's hand, and told him he was free to go.
        On Darryl's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Darryl
        mentioned the exam to
        Harold, who was seated in the waiting room.
        He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers.
        So Harold went into the doctor's office when he was called.
        The doctor went thru the formalities and then asked, "What would happen if I
        cut off one of
        your ears?" Remembering what Darryl had told him, he answered, "I'd be half
        blind."
        The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on.
        "What if I cut off the other ear?"
        "I'd be completely blind," Harold answered."
        "Harold, can you explain how you'd be blind?"
        "My hat would fall down over my eyes."

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        Parenthood Chips from Dianne
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Preparation for parenthood is not
        just a matter of reading books and
        decorating the nursery. Here are 12
        simple tests for expectant parents to
        take to prepare themselves for the
        real-life experience of being a mother
        or father.

        1. Women: to prepare for maternity,
        put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag
        down the front. Leave it there for 9 months.
        After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.

        Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local
        drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on
        the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help
        himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange
        to have your salary paid directly to their head
        office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it
        for the last time.

        2. Before you finally go ahead and have children,
        find a couple who are already parents and berate
        them about their methods of discipline, lack of
        patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and
        how they have allowed their children to run riot.
        Suggest ways in which they might improve their
        child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners
        and overall behavior. Enjoy it --it'll be the last time
        in your life that you will have all of the answers.

        3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around
        the living room from 5 PM to 10 PM carrying a
        wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10 PM
        put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and
        go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living
        room again, with the bag, until 1 AM. Put the alarm
        on for 3 AM. As you can't get back to sleep, get up
        at 2 AM and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 AM.
        Get up again at 3 AM when the alarm goes off. Sing
        songs in the dark until 4 AM. Put the alarm on for
        5 AM. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5
        years. Look cheerful.

        4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find
        out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto
        the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and
        leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the
        flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover
        the stains with crayons. How does that look?

        5.Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems:
        first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put
        the octopus into the string bag so that none of the
        arms hang out. Time allowed for this -- all morning.

        6.Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and
        a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a
        toilet tube. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of foil,
        turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container,
        a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Puffs
        and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
        Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place
        on the playgroup committee.

        7.Forget the Miata and buy a minivan. And don't think
        you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining.
        Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice
        cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave
        it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player.
        Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash
        them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along
        both sides of the car. There! Perfect!

        8. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk
        down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for
        5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette
        butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and
        dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream
        that you've had as much as you can stand, until the
        neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go
        back in the house. You are now just about ready to
        try taking a small child for a walk.

        9.Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

        10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the
        nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child -- a
        fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have
        more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy
        your week's groceries without letting the goats out
        of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or
        destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do
        not even contemplate having children.

        11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the
        side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from
        side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Fruit Loops
        and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by
        pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half
        of the Fruit Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap,
        making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are
        now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

        12.Learn the names of every character from Barney and
        Friends, Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
        When you find yourself singing "I love you, you love me,"
        at work, now! you finally qualify as a parent.

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        Christmas Chips from Gary
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        My proudest moment came during the children's Christmas pageant. My
        daughter was playing Mary, two of my sons were shepherds and my
        youngest son was a wise man. This was their moment to shine.
        My five-year-old shepherd had practiced his line, "We found the babe
        wrapped in swaddling clothes." But he was nervous and said, "The baby
        was wrapped in wrinkled clothes."
        My four-year-old "Mary" said, "That's not 'wrinkled clothes,' silly.
        That's dirty, rotten clothes."
        A wrestling match broke out between Mary and the shepherd and was
        stopped by an angel, who bent her halo and lost her left wing.
        I slouched a little lower in my seat when Mary dropped the doll
        representing Baby Jesus, and it bounced down the aisle crying,
        "Mama-mama." Mary grabbed the doll, wrapped it back up and held it
        tightly as the wise men arrived.
        My other son stepped forward wearing a bathrobe and a paper crown,
        knelt at the manger and announced, "We are the three wise men, and
        we are bringing gifts of gold, common sense and fur."
        The congregation dissolved into laughter, and the pageant got a
        standing ovation.
        "I've never enjoyed a Christmas program as much as this one," Father
        Brian laughed, wiping tears from his eyes. "For the rest of my life,
        I'll never hear the Christmas story without thinking of gold, common
        sense and fur."
        "My children are my pride and my joy and my greatest blessing," I
        said as I dug through my purse for an aspirin.




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        Senior Chips from Dianne
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        An elderly Floridian calls 911
        on her cell phone to report that
        her car has been broken into.

        She is hysterical as she explains
        her situation to the dispatcher:
        "They've stolen the stereo, the
        steering wheel, the brake pedal
        and even the accelerator!" she cries.

        The dispatcher says, "Stay calm.
        An officer is on the way."

        A few minutes later, the officer
        radios in.
        "Disregard." he says. "She got into
        the back-seat by mistake."



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        Last Request Chips
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        Any Last Requests?

        The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the
        follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice
        to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last
        meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was
        something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all
        day. Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he
        wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over
        with." "Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said
        the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!" The inmate thought.
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        From The Buffalos Mail Box

        Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
        ( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors stood
        around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )

        Hi Bill! Maybe this is beating a dead horse, but this is something that
        happened to me in Rome in 1969. I have a bachelor of arts degree in German
        and know enough French, Spanish and Italian to get myself into trouble. This
        was during my sophomore year at the University of Portland's Salzburg,
        Austria extension program. We were on a three week tour of Greece and Italy
        and were in Rome for Holy Week and Easter. Anyway, we had just visited the
        church of St. Paul Outside the Walls. It was a warm day for the first part
        of April and the street vendors were out in force. I decided to buy some
        grapes from one of them who happened to be close to our tour bus.
        When I got back on the bus I discovered that the vendor had cheated me out
        of a considerable sum of lira. I was quite upset. Our assistant program
        director, who spoke, in addition to English, German, French and Italian and
        could read Greek and Latin, said that I had no chance in getting the correct
        change because I was an American. I was so mad at that point that I went
        back to the vendor and had the grapes in my right hand and the money in my
        left and let the poor man "have it" in English and in German. I must've
        scared him half to death as he gave me back all of my money and I threw the
        wrong change and the grapes back at him. I wonder if he tried to cheat
        anyone again? Cindy J.

        ~~~~~

        Bill;
        As a Respiratory Therapist for the last thirty years, recently retired I
        wish to thank all of the smokers for my job.
        Without you my job would have lasted 3 or 4 years not 30+. A full 80% of
        my patients on a daily basis were current smokers or long term smokers
        who quit. Again Thank You, and for the current and future Respiratory
        Therapist and other hospital workers, Keep on Smoking.
        I know I'll get a lot of negative comments for this, but it is the
        truth! Smoking keeps hospitals full. So when you are short of breath,
        call your nearest Therapist, then thank them for their help. Remember
        they are not miracle workers merely humans, the damage was done by you not
        them.
        Moral of this is "quit smoking and put a Respiratory Therapist out of a
        job, they will then thank you."
        Robert.

        ~~~~~
        A reply to David Rosenberg -Dry Humor99:


        I gather from all that you wrote that you STILL smoke? Whether or not the
        habit contributed to your ailments there are just too many statistics; not
        to mention common sense arguements to weigh more heavily on the non-smoking
        side. I wish you good health with the known medical problems that you are
        now well aware of. A doctor who would make such a statement as:
        "I don`t believe smoking is a contributing factor to your medical ills",
        would be hard to find. Now a statement such as: " Though I don`t believe
        your smoking to have CAUSED your ailments, I would advise you NOT to smoke
        as it has been proven to be detrimental to your health." Why would you WANT
        to continue abusing your health by taking such a chance as believing that
        smoking is a safe thing to do? I, too, have problems with hypertension
        (have had for years) and it seems that no matter what tests and what
        medicines are prescribed I continue to be ill every few weeks. It`s called,
        "Idiopathic Hypertension" and simply means "unknown cause." Though I feel my
        one-time smoking habit (40 years) apparently did not do damage for the long
        haul I know (because my brain tells me so) that it in no way aided in a
        pattern of good health. I do hope you will re-think your decision and are
        able to drop the habit. It would be a wise decision. Thanks for reading
        and letting me spout off. Lady Fae

        ~~~~~

        Buff, Tell Sreyas I've felt his pain and wish him all the best in his quest
        to quit the evil weed; sammers to anyone else going through tobacco
        cessation. There are two things I can share with the smokers that are
        interested in quitting.
        First, the very hardest part of quitting is deciding you are really going to
        quit. Once your mind is made up, the rest isn't that bad. Second, if your
        mind is not in the game plan, don't bother. I've been free 18 years and
        like you Buff, know that I am only one puff away from 1.5 packs per day.
        The Future King of Ohio

        ~~~~~

        >>>Buffalo says What a concept, Legions of Lithuanians learning
        Limericks to conquer the world..<<<

        Hey Shipmate, Why oh why would non-Americans subscribe to an American humor
        list? Maybe to learn some American humor? Maybe to improve their English
        skills; reading, writing and speaking? Maybe to make new friends, and learn
        more of their culture? I'm sure each reader has specific reasons for being
        part of Buffalo's Herd. Me? I like to save 50% to 70% on 111InkJet
        supplies, and need daily reminding. But I like your idea of using the
        limerick to conquer the world, so a conquering I will go with an original
        limerick.
        Regards, Uncle George of Virginia Beach


        "Legions of Lithuanians Learning Limericks to Conquer the World" by Uncle
        George

        Arunas Norvaisa is proud to be Lithuanian.
        And he should never be confused as a Latvian.
        But one of his fears:
        Drinking too many beers,
        And shouting to the World he's Estonian.


        ps I want to thank a Danish friend, Steen, for the idea behind this poem.
        He claims that a good Dane, if he is drunk, will always proclaim he is
        Swedish.

        ~~~~~~

        Hi Buffalo

        Billy, you struck a nerve. I have been smoking since I was twelve years
        old. I will be 70 in November. Like Mark Twain said: "It is easy to quit
        smoking, I have quit thousands of times." My longest abstinence was about
        three months when I was locked up in a forensic Psychiatric Hospital unit.
        And I must say that I empathies with David Rosenberg.

        Keep up the good work.

        Jim Mc Quain


        ~~~

        How many of you remember the 50's........you could mail a letter in one town
        in the morning and recieve it in another that afternoon. We had delivery
        twice a day! Don/t remember how much the stamps were, but I do remember how
        often we got a letter from my grandparents in Llano, mailed that am, in
        Austin on that afternoon. You can't even get same day service from FedX or
        UPS today, and if you could, it would be so expensive only big corporations
        could afford it.

        I had a problem once with the Post Office one day service---they had a
        payroll that was mailed from Houston to Austin on Wednesday, to arrive on
        Thursday and be given out on Friday. Friday morning---no checks----after
        calling the Post Office and getting sluffed off, I looked up the
        Postmaster's phone number, called, got the same old runaround UNTIL I said,
        okay, fine, I am giving your name and number to each employee and You will
        explain why they have no paycheck. 20 minutes later, the payroll was
        delivered. LOL



        Azureunicorn, Texas


        ~~~~~~

        MY UNCLE HARRY SMOKED 3 PACKS OF CIGS A DAY. WHEN HE WAS 93 YEARS OLD, THE
        AMERICAN TOBACCO CO HE ASKED IF HE WOULD SPEAK AT A LUNCHEON. HE ASKED IF
        IT COULD BE A SUPPER, SINCE HE NEVER STOPS COUGHING UNTIL LATE IN THE DAY.

        Bocaben
        ~~~~~~~~

        Shavanas,
        Hitler & his cronies were not Christians. I have never heard
        anyone make that claim. He obviously hated Jews, maybe he was a Muslim in
        secret. Anyway, my point is that many people assume that someone is a
        Christian when they have no idea what a Christian really is. I have heard he
        was Catholic, but even so, not all Catholics are Christians, just like not
        all Baptists or Methodists, or Lutherans, or Pentecostals are Christians. It
        is possible to be "religious" and not be a Christian. That is something many
        people don't understand. Sudan's problem is much more than a civil war.
        Muslims in Sudan are killing & maiming, torturing & raping people who do not
        want to be Muslims. Some of these Sudanese people are Christians, some are
        not. They should not be oppressed in order to force "conversion" on them.
        You'll have to find someone else to convince about the greatness of Islam.
        I'm getting rather tired of the same old story. What I would honestly like
        to see is for everyone to become a Christian. I know that is not going to
        happen. Only Jesus Christ can bring peace, to an individual or to a nation.
        He alone will be able to bring peace to the Middle East. I hope you will
        soon come to know Him.
        avonlea

        ~~~~~

        Right on- Shanavas - except for this correction - and my personal opinion:

        In our defensiveness, you did not acknowledge that the crimes they commit
        against each other are crimes. Each is culpable although I believe that were
        Israel not stealing land and committing war atrocities as acknowledged by
        the UN and Amnesty International, the International Red Cross, and numerous
        international humanitarian grops trying to work there, Palestinians would
        not be killing.


        You said:
        They say "Violence that has killed over 100 people" giving the impression
        that equal numbers of Israelis and Muslims have been killed. They fail to
        mention that over 95% of them are Palestinians and it is not 'violence'
        that has killed them, but armed Israeli soldiers have murdered them.


        Actually, as far as I know, the numbers are more like 3:1 (three
        Palestinians killed for every Israeli killed.) (A great number of both
        fatality figures are children and women.)

        Psychologists recently released a study that showed 70% of Palestinian
        children and about 35 % of Israeli children are suffering emotional damage
        subsequent to exposure to violence. They also speculate that the
        desperation of the occupation is a fertile ground for and may be a cause for
        suicide bombings.

        Just my thoughts - keep peaceful - honor the real Islam, and yourself in
        peace.

        Lane Pope
        Miami



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        *********************************************

        Remember 9/11/01
      • B.Brabant
        Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Our plant is laid out in a cellular concept with
        Message 3 of 25 , Aug 4, 2002
        • 0 Attachment
          Clean Clean


          Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
          name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

          Our plant is laid out in a cellular concept with some cells
          making a dedicated part and some set up to be flexible and
          make a variety of parts. Unlike the Big Three where machinists
          work at the same machine all of their lives, our workforce moves
          from cell to cell as priorities change. This keeps the job
          interesting as you get to learn a variety of jobs.
          Saturday I stopped in cell 11 to do some machine maint and
          chatted for a minute with the woman operating the lathe. About
          two hours later I was in the opposite end of the building and the
          same woman was operating a balancer on another part. I stopped
          and said" I saw a woman a little while ago that looked just like
          you, in fact she was close enough to be your twin". She laughed
          and said, " I feel sorry for her". I laughed and went to the office
          to drop off some job orders and then back to my shop. A little
          later, our work done for the day I went up to punch out a couple
          hours early. ( I had 50 hours by 1300 hours on Saturday) As I
          passed the balancer the woman, hair color omitted to protect the innocent,
          asked me, " What was the woman you saw doing ?"
          About that time she realized I had been talking about her and
          we both had a good laugh over it.

          Enjoy the chips and watch out everyone IT'S MONDAY ( sinister
          music plays in the background)... buffalo


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          Blonde Chips
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          Golf Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with
          clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized
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          Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

          Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those
          in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

          Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

          The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not
          too often.

          There's no game like golf you go out with three friends, play
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          Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor
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          Arrangement Chips
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          Fishing Chips
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          Hymn Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          Occupational Hymns

          The Dentist's Hymn.............Crown Him With Many Crowns
          The Weatherman's Hymn..........There Shall Be Showers of Blessing
          The Contractor's Hymn..........The Church's One Foundation
          The Tailor's Hymn..............Holy, Holy, Holy
          The Golfer's Hymn..............There is A Green Hill Far Away
          The Politician's Hymn..........Standing on the Promises
          The Optometrist's Hymn.........Open My Eyes That I Might See
          The IRS Agent's Hymn...........I Surrender All
          The Gossip's Hymn..............Pass It On
          The Electrician's Hymn.........Send the Light
          The Shopper's Hymn.............Sweet By and By
          The Realtor's Hymn.........I've Got A Mansion Just Over the Hilltop
          The Pilot's Hymn...............I'll Fly Away
          The Paramedic's Hymn...........Revive Us Again
          The Judge's Hymn...............Almost Persuaded
          The Psychiatrist's Hymn........Just a Little Talk With Jesus
          The Architect's Hymn...........How Firm A Foundation
          The Credit Card Telemarketer's Hymn.....A Charge To Keep I Have
          The Zookeeper's Hymn...........All Creatures of Our God & King
          The Postal Worker's Hymn.......So Send I You
          The Waiter's Hymn..............Fill My Cup, Lord
          The Gardener's Hymn............Lo, How A Rose E'er Blooming
          The Lifeguard's Hymn...........Rescue the Perishing
          The Criminal's Hymn............Search Me, O God
          The Baker's Hymn...............When the Roll Is Called Up Yonder
          The Shoe Repairer's Hymn.......It Is Well With My Soul
          The Travel Agent's Hymn........Anywhere With Jesus
          The Geologist's Hymn...........Rock of Ages
          The Haematologist's Hymn........Are You Washed in the Blood?
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          Shopping Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the
          lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one
          of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it
          between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

          After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider,
          looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding
          the bar code, she said to me "Do you know how much this is?"

          I said, "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today".

          She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue
          what had just happened.


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          Trial Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          A trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had
          forgotten to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought
          was an exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go
          through the courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The
          bailiff returned with a group of lawyers.

          The prosecutor felt that it would be an interesting experiment to try a case
          before a jury of lawyers, and the defense counsel had no objection, so a
          jury was impaneled. And the trial went very quickly -- after only an hour
          of testimony, and very short closing arguments, both sides rested. The jury
          was then instructed by the judge, and was sent back to the jury room to
          deliberate.

          After nearly six hours, the trial court was concerned that the jury had not
          returned with a verdict. The case had in fact turned out to be every bit as
          simple as he had expected, and it seemed to him that they should have been
          back in minutes. He sent the bailiff to the jury room, to see if they
          needed anything.

          The bailiff returned, and the judge asked, "Are they close to reaching a
          verdict?"

          The bailiff shook his head, and replied, "Your honor, they're still doing
          nomination speeches for the position of foreman."


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          Parting Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          Mercedes Benz Driving Test

          1. Before changing lanes you should:
          (A) signal.
          (B) check.
          (C) both a & b.
          (D) just swing into the lane without doing
          either a or b.

          2. The top light on a traffic signal is:
          (A) red.
          (B) yellow.
          (C) green.
          (D) Who cares, it doesn't apply to me anyway.

          3. The speed limit in a residential area is:
          (A) 35 MPH.
          (B) 25 MPH.
          (C) 45 MPH.
          (D) I paid $65,000 for this car, I'll drive as
          fast as I want.

          4. In California, when a pedestrian enters a cross
          walk, you should:
          (A) slow to a walking pace.
          (B) go around the block.
          (C) stop.
          (D) speed up and honk your horn.

          5. In the other 49 states, when a pedestrian enters
          a cross walk, you should:
          (A) maintain your speed.
          (B) slow a little.
          (C) slow a lot.
          (D) speed up and don't bother honking your horn.

          6. Your may make a left turn from the right lane:
          (A) never.
          (B) when there is a left turn arrow.
          (C) on Sunday at 2 A.M.
          (D) When ever you damn well feel like it.

          7. When a school bus has flashing red lights, you:
          (A) must stop.
          (B) may pass on the left after checking.
          (C) may pass after slowing to 5 MPH.
          (D) use your car phone to order Chinese food
          while passing on the left.

          8. When you hear an emergency vehicle siren, you
          should:
          (A) pull to the right and stop.
          (B) pull into the nearest car wash.
          (C) roll down your windows.
          (D) turn up the radio and ignore it.

          9. You may make a U-turn in front of a fire
          station:
          (A) never.
          (B) when the doors are closed.
          (C) if there are no police around.
          (D) when you have missed your turn.

          10. When approaching a traffic light where cars
          are stopped, you should:
          (A) relax.
          (B) watch the signal.
          (C) stop a safe distance back from the car in
          front.
          (D) call your wife/secretary on your car phone
          so everyone can see that your have a car phone.

          11. When turning onto a side street, you should signal:
          (A) two blocks before turning.
          (B) two car lengths before turning.
          (C) two miles before turning.
          (D) what for, if the guy behind me hits me, I'll sue
          him.

          12. A U-turn in a business district is legal:
          (A) only at an intersection.
          (B) always.
          (C) never.
          (D) if I pass a sale at the jewelers.

          13. Parking in a red-zone is permitted:
          (A) never.
          (B) on Sunday.
          (C) if there is a fire hydrant.
          (D) when I'll only be there for five minutes.

          14. What is your annual gross income:
          (A) $10,000-20,000.
          (B) $20,000-40,000.
          (C) $40,000-80,000.
          (D) $80,000 and up.

          Scoring

          If you answered 'd' on every question, you have
          a perfect score.

          You are certified to drive a Mercedes Benz Automo-
          bile. You may, at your discretion, proceed to your
          nearest Mercedes Benz authorized distributor and
          select the Mercedes Benz Automobile of your choice.

          If you answered a, b, or c on two or fewer questions,
          you may request a retest in two weeks time. Please
          study the Mercedes Benz motor vehicle guide in
          preparation for your retest.

          If you answered a, b, or c on more than two quest-
          ions, we're sorry, you just don't have the proper
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          Perhaps you should consider a BMW.

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          Bonus Chip
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          Looking for something different for my sister's birthday gift, I
          decided on a pair of pajamas made up of bright scenic prints of the
          natural wonders of the world. I wrapped them up and sent them off.
          I just received this email from her:

          "Dear Bro," she wrote. "I don't mind having '12,948 feet high'
          indicated on my bosom, but I thoroughly resent 'greatest natural
          span' across my bottom!"



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          From The Buffalos Mail Box

          Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
          ( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors stood
          around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )

          HOWDY!

          I have been a subscriber for quite some time, and this is the first time
          writing to you. This true experience might be just a little too graphic, so
          you are welcome to trim it up a bit, if you feel it will make the testimony
          more printable.

          I smoked for 31 years. Enjoyably. Regretfully perhaps, but still
          enjoyably.

          In January of 1999, I filled a toilet with bright red urine. (No pain, no
          discomfort of any kind, just blood.) That was somewhat frightening,
          wouldn't you expect? After conversation with my wonderful wife, and after
          supper, we visited the Emergency Room. There, many tests were done from the
          neck to the stomach, but none showed any problems. The ER staff insisted of
          course that I follow up with my regular Doctor. Subsequently a visit with a
          Urologist showed that I had Bladder Cancer. On the 1st day of March of
          1999, it was removed from my Bladder. I smoked until the 17th day of April,
          of 2000. That's right. The hook was so deeply implanted that I didn't quit
          smoking until 13&1/2 months after the removal of a malignant Cancer from my
          Bladder.

          During and after my ordeal, I have learned a truly shocking medical fact:
          THE NUMBER ONE CAUSE OF BLADDER CANCER IS CIGARETTE SMOKING! Don't take my
          word for it. Look it up. Ask your Doctor. Ask your local Urologist.

          The "find" was accomplished by looking inside the Bladder, with a camera
          inserted through the Urethra. For some reason, this seemed to be more than
          just uncomfortable, it was somehow embarrassing. Even more uncomfortable
          and embarrassing, was being sent home from the hospital with a catheter
          still inserted for drainage. All the follow-up checkups were done with a
          camera using the same method, same route. The "chemo-therapy" was inserted
          into the Bladder, through the Urethra, and I was sent home to "hold it all
          in there for at least 2 hours prior to urination." That is unforgettable!

          I have now been Cancer free for over 41 months, and have been free of the
          horribly enjoyable shackle of smoking for 28 months.

          There are about 30 thousand new cases of Bladder Cancer each year, and each
          year about 10 thousand die from Bladder Cancer! Again, don't take my word
          for it. Look it up.

          You have my permission to publish this account, and if someone actually
          would like to talk about it, you are free to release my email address to
          them, upon their request to you.

          Keep the HUMOR coming!!

          ED KNOX

          ~~~

          This number really works, you have to call it, it's hysterical!!!


          In case you are ever at a bar and someone asks for your number and you
          don't want to give it to them and you are not interested and you don't have
          the heart to reject them flat out then use the New York Rejection number.
          My girlfriend forwarded this to me and I called it up. It is too funny.
          This is for real. Give it a try if you are ever in desperate need.

          212-479-7990

          I called it. It is absolutely for real and funny,
          Roger

          ~~~~

          The story below about the kitty torturer. My opinion: Get the man
          psychiatric help and fine him heavily, but just because he tortured a kitty
          which is abhorrent does not mean he will become a Jeffrey Dalmer. I wonder
          if he has a history of this kind of behavior? And 5 years in prison? Most
          child molesters don't get that! It bothers me that we get so upset about the
          animal world and yet let child molesters and rapists out in months or a few
          years to victimize again. And also we are a Country that has legalized
          abortion, some of those procedures are pretty dern grizzly and have proven
          to cause anguish in the unborn, who's central nervous system is far more
          complex then that of a kitty! (No I am not trying to excuse this mans
          abominable behavior, just saying sometimes our priorities as a Nation need
          realignment)
          Susan Arrowsmith

          Help send Charles C. Benoit to jail for up to
          five years! Charles C. Benoit was arrested in
          Liberty, Missouri, on July 16, 2002 for burning a
          7-week-old kitten on a barbecue grill, while others
          watched with amusement, as he poked the defenseless
          kitten with a stick, and maliciously chanted
          "Meow, meow". One brave woman stepped in to save the
          kitten. The kitten later named "Lucky" by his
          rescuer wasn't so lucky after all, when he had to be
          put down because of his severe injuries.

          Buffalo says discounting the fact that I love cats, I have had three
          friends that were severely burned , one in a kiln explosion that the
          man survived, one who died from burns in a steam line explosion
          and another who died after months from a gas tank explosion.
          The pain of burns is one of the worst pains imaginable to the point
          that even opiates cannot stop it. If someone had tortured a human
          being to this extent they would meet the special circumstances for
          the death penalty or life in prison without possibility of parole. The
          man is a real sick puppy. People in prison don't like his type . He may just
          run into a 400 lb. kitty lover named Bubba that will barbecue him
          for a laugh. We shouldn't try to compare or trivialize cruel crimes but
          instead lobby our elected officials for stronger sentences for violent
          crimes. How much good does counseling a rapist do...
          to this extent.

          ~~~~~

          Dear Bill,
          So sorry to hear about the death of your dear friend, Ms Picky. I
          recently lost my Max over Father's Day weekend. He was almost 17.
          During the last 6 months he had been losing weight and his appetite had
          diminished. I was going to take him to the vet to see if it was time to
          say goodbye. He passed away at home while we were gone, so I never got
          to say good-bye properly either. I always thought I would hold him and
          comfort him as he left this world. I guess it wasn't meant to be. It
          just struck me strange how similar the circumstances were, the age, just
          everything. I know it hurts, we have lost good, true friends.
          TC R

          ~~~~~~

          I hear ya Buff.My truck engine decided that today would be a great day to
          crap out on me.I suspect it will need high $$$ repairs.Only 83,000 miles and
          never a previous problem.At least I have the Sportster,so I aint
          walking.Hang in there buddy.It'll get better.It has to.Scott/OKC

          ~~~~~~

          Only a few days left,,,,Get your Green card today. Be legal, Work in the USA
          LOL
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          Remember 9/11/01
        • William
          My name is buffalo and I have the watch. Ow I woke up Saturday morning with my right foot swollen and feeling like it was ready to tear the skin. I
          Message 4 of 25 , Jul 8, 2013
          • 0 Attachment
            My name is buffalo and I have the watch.


            Ow I woke up Saturday morning with my right foot swollen
            and feeling like it was ready to tear the skin. I suspected gout
            but I have been staying away from high purine foods and I had
            noticed a bit of swelling in both legs and was wondering about
            fluid retention from being vertical a lot lately. I drank a bottle of
            cherry juice, over ice with a splash of orange juice, kind of a
            Tequila Sunset minus Tequila... haven't had any of that since
            Clinton was President. It was a good day to take a rest as Eva
            was scheduled for her first sleepover with a couple of schoolmates
            around the corner and it was so peaceful around here until 1030
            when they all came over here to play. After lunch Buffy loaded
            them in the Suburban and headed for the city beach at Sherman
            Park. They ran into more friends there and came back to the
            house to pick up picnic stuff and went back up for a picnic.

            I was feeling a bit better so I got up and started to work on
            the chips while things were quiet and had most of the jokes together
            for the adult chips when everyone returned home. The girls played
            outside till just before dark and when they came in Sandy
            fixed spaghetti for everyone and the girls were watching a movie
            on the vcr, and then the girls had an arguement. I am not sure
            what happened, too much time together, one wanted to do one
            thing and the other didn't, or whatever but Eva threw the girl's
            video game into her room and it slid under a dresser. We then had
            adults and children looking for it for an hour and after they found it
            Buffy walked the girl home and explained to her parents what
            happened.

            Buffy and I were talking later about what had happened and I reminded
            her about when we lived out in the country. She was 7 the same age as Eva
            and there was a little boy that lived next door who was the same age. They
            would play great till they got tired and then they would start arguing like
            they were married to each other. I got tired of trying to play peacemaker
            and settle fights and finally told both of them that I didn't want them to ever
            talk to each other or see each other again. After they had spent a little time
            in their own corners they were back together playing like best friends. The
            bonus was since I had told them to never talk together again if they did have
            an arguement they had to leave me out of it because I would ask, " How can
            you two be arguing, I told you to never speak to each other again." And
            they say buffalos are stupid heh heh.

            Enjoy the chips.... buffalo

            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Teacher Chips
            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching
            prospect said:

            "Let me see if I've got this right.

            You want me to go into that room with all those kids and fill their
            every waking moment with a love for learning." And I'm supposed to
            instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive
            behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt
            messages and dress habits.

            You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases,
            check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their
            self-esteem.

            You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship,
            and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a
            checkbook, and how to apply for a job.

            I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment,
            recognize signs of antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of
            recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage
            respect for their elders and future employers.

            And I am to communicate regularly with the parents
            by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

            All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few
            books, a bulletin board, and a big smile AND on a starting salary that
            qualifies my family for food stamps!

            You want me to do all of this, and you expect me
            NOT TO PRAY?"

            Unknown Teacher


            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



            A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his
            daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.

            He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store
            manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

            The Manager replied, "Which one? We have, 'Barbie goes to the gym'for
            $19.95... 'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ... 'Barbie goes
            shopping
            for$19.95 .... 'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95... 'Barbie goes to
            theNightclub' for $19.95 ... and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."

            "Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?"
            Dad asked surprised.

            "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's
            dog,Ken's cat and Ken's furniture

            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Fly Chips
            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            A fly was buzzing along one morning when he saw a lawn mower someone had
            left out in their front yard. He flew over and sat on the handle,
            watching the children going down the sidewalk on their way to school.

            One little boy tripped on a crack and fell, spilling his lunch on the
            sidewalk. He picked himself up, put his lunch back in the bag and went
            on. But he missed a piece of bologna. The fly had not eaten that morning
            and he sure was hungry. So he flew down and started eating the bologna.
            In fact he ate so much that he could not fly, so he waddled across the
            sidewalk, across the lawn, up the wheel of the lawn mower, up the
            handle, and sat there resting and watching the children.

            There was still some bologna laying there on the sidewalk. He was really
            stuffed, but that baloney sure did look good.

            Finally temptation got the best of him and he jumped off the handle of
            the lawn mower to fly over to the baloney. But alas he was too full to
            fly and he went splat!!, killing him instantly.

            The moral of the story: Don't fly off the handle when you are full of
            baloney.

            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Cable Chips
            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            In my husband's work for a cable-television company, he encounters
            illegal hookups that drive up costs for other customers. One day he
            arrived at a repair job just as the homeowner was pulling into the
            driveway. She pointed the way to the den, where the tv was located, and
            then walked out to get the mail.

            As my husband approached the tv, he saw a note taped to
            the screen. It read: "Don't forget to hide the descramblers before the
            cable guy comes. Love, Tom."



            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Random Chips
            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Random Trivia....


            Buzz Aldrin's mother's maiden name was Moon.

            There are more than 1000 chemicals in every cup of coffee.

            The average person accidentally eats 430 bugs each year of their life.
            (phew!!!!)

            In 1973 Bhutan issued a stamp that looked like a record. Put it on a
            record player and it would actually play the Bhutanese national anthem!

            Without its lining of mucus your stomach would digest itself.

            On the day that Alexander Graham Bell was buried the entire U.S.
            telephone system was shut down for 1 minute in tribute.

            Wounds infested with maggots heal quickly and without spread of gangrene
            or other infection.

            The fastest speed a falling raindrop can hit you is 18mph.

            Inbreeding causes 3 out of every 10 Dalmation dogs to suffer from
            hearing disability.

            Certain frogs can be frozen solid then thawed, and continue living.

            Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.

            In the U.S. in 1998, hens produced 6,657,000,000 dozen eggs.

            ------

            Random Quotes....

            "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
            morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " --Frank
            Sinatra

            "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
            beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but
            the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." --Dave Barry

            "An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with
            his fools." --Earnest Hemingway

            "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." --Henny
            Youngman



            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Airplane Chips
            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Ten Things You *Don't* Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A.
            System........


            1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted
            to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as
            floatation devices.

            2. Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If
            you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive
            an extra pack of peanuts.

            3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the
            local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new
            commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

            4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!!
            Eject!!!!!!!

            5. Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)

            6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have
            to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....

            7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the
            reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more
            efficiently now.

            8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal
            driving tendencies uses when you get in the car).

            9. This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot
            different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some
            leeway...

            10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades
            and watched the in-flight movie.


            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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            Pencil Furniture
            http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/pencilf.html

            Disney Tree Of Life
            http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/disneytree.html



            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Cowboy Chips
            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


            BUYING A BRA

            I ain't much for shopping,
            Nor even goin' into town -
            Except at cattle-shipping time,
            I ain't easily found.

            But the day came when I had to go
            And I left the kids with Ma.
            But before I left she asked me,
            "Would you pick me up a bra?"

            Without thinkin' I said "Sure,"
            How tough could that job be?
            I bent down and kissed her
            And said, "I'll be back by three"

            Well, when I done the things I needed,
            I started to regret
            Ever offering to buy that thing,
            I was working up a sweat.

            I crossed the street to the ladies' shop
            With my hat pulled over my eyes,
            I wasn't takin' any chances
            On bein' recognized.

            I walked up to the sales clerk -
            I didn't hem or haw -
            I told the lady right straight out,
            "Ma'am, I'm here to buy a bra."

            From behind I heard some snickers ,
            So I turned around to see
            At least fifteen women in the store
            And they's all gawkin' at me!

            "What kind would you be looking for?"
            "Well," I just scratched my head.
            I'd only seen one kind before
            "Thought bras was bras," I said.

            She gives me a disgusted look,
            "Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
            Come with me," I heard her say,
            And like a dog, I tagged along.

            She took me down this alley
            Where bras was on display.
            Well, I thought my jaw'd hit the floor
            When I seen that lingerie.

            They had all these different styles
            That I'd not seen before
            I thought that I'd go crazy
            'fore I left that women's store.

            They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
            And bras that cross your heart.
            There was bras that lift and separate,
            And that was just the start.

            They had bras that made you feel
            Like you weren't wearing one at all,
            And bras that you can train in
            When you start off when you're small .

            Well, I finally make my mind up -
            Picked a black and lacy one -
            I told the lady,
            "Bag it up," And figured I was done

            But then she asked me for the size.
            I didn't hesitate.
            I knew them measurements by heart,
            " A six-and-seven-eighths."

            "Six and seven eighths, well sir,
            That really isn't right."
            "Oh, yes ma'am! Yeah, I'm positive,
            I just measured them last night."

            I thought that she'd go into shock,
            Musta took her by surprise
            When I told her that my wife's bust
            Was the same as my hat size.

            "That's what I used to measure with,
            I figured it was fair,
            But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."
            This drew another stare.

            By now a crowd had gathered
            And they's all crackin' up
            When the lady asked to see my hat,
            To measure for the cup.

            When she finally had it figured,
            I gave the gal her pay.
            Then I turned to leave the store,
            Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."

            My wife heard the whole story
            'fore I ever made it home.
            She'd talked to fifteen women
            Who'd called her on the phone.

            She was still a-laughin'
            But by then I didn't care.
            Now she don't ask and I don't shop
            For no more women's underwear.

            ~author unknown


            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Northern Chips
            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


            People from the North have secret thoughts they don't share with the
            rest of the United States of America. And with good reason. We just
            don't like "y'all" that much.

            by Curt Grumble

            1. "Northerner" really means "Northeasterner."

            2. And by "Northeasterner," we really mean people from Massachusetts,
            Connecticut, New York, New Jersey and Pennsylvania.

            3. Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire or Rhode Island are nothing more than
            tiny, under-populated states packed with hicks. We have a strict "don't
            ask, don't tell" policy when it comes to what they do.

            4. Rhode Island is Massachusetts' "little brother,", always trying to
            outdo its larger sibling. Note to the rest of the United States: Rhode
            Islanders have the really thick accents.

            5. We don't care about the Civil War. At all. We don't ever think about
            it, unless you bring it up. It's like the South! is some bitter
            ex-girlfriend whining about a breakup from 100 years ago.

            6. If pressed on the matter, we shrug and think, "We won." Then we move
            on.

            7. California is the only state that's in the "West." Everything else is
            "near California." And Oregon and Washington seem like the same place,
            but Idaho? We don't know what Idaho does, besides potatoes.

            8. The real "South" is Alabama, the Carolinas and Georgia. Those states
            scare us deeply. Sort of like when the opening theme to "Unsolved
            Mysteries" kicks in. Same feeling.

            9. Tennessee and Kentucky might as well be the same state for all we
            care. Don't they both have a Memphis?

            10. Texas isn't part of the United States. It's just "Texas," land where
            everyone looks like Boss Hog. That's all we feel we need to know,
            honestly. Big hats. Boots. Oil. Cheerleaders.

            11. A long drive is two hours. A short drive is 15 minutes. Anything
            over 4 hours requires a plane ticket. Period.

            12. Midwestern is a synonym for "naive."

            13. California is a synonym for "shallow." Los Angeles is where shallow
            people become famous. Hollywood is where the famous, shallow people get
            arrested for shoplifting or overdose in bars.

            14. Florida is where old New Yorkers go to die. Las Vegas is where they
            feed.

            15. And while we're here, Las Vegas is considered a Northern city, but
            Nevada is not part of the North. It's just like how you eat the banana
            and chuck the peel.

            16. It's funny to watch people in the South drive in snow. They always
            panic.

            17. Tornados and earthquakes aren't real. Are they? C'mon!

            18. We have no idea why we'd ever go to Arkansas, New Mexico, Iowa,
            Idaho, Nebraska, Oklahoma, Montana, North Dakota, South Dakota, Kansas,
            Utah, Missouri, and West Virginia. Nor do we have any urge to. We don't
            know anything that's there, aside from college teams we root against.

            19. Sitcoms in New York City = funny.

            20. Sitcoms set elsewhere = less funny.

            21. What's in the Southwest? We're kinda curious.

            22. There is no fundamental difference between South Dakota and North
            Dakota, or even South Carolina and North Carolina. Couldn't they come up
            with more original names at some point?

            23. But Virginia and West Virginia? It's like George and Lenny in Of
            Mice and Men. Big scary difference.

            24. Hawaii or Alaska aren't "real" states. They're like junior college
            transfer states. Washington D.C. is as far south as we feel we need to
            go.

            25. Minnesota is a really strange place, ain't it? Prince, Gov. Jesse
            Ventura, Randy Moss. Frightening.

            26. If a sport can be held at a country fair, then it's not a sport.
            Competitive cheerleading? Professional auto racing? Bull riding?
            Northern sports are played in arenas, centers, gardens and the
            occasional field.

            27. We were never impressed by the Houston Astrodome.

            28. Tanning isn't something that just happens, you know. It's a hobby.
            We need to work hard to get sunburns that require hospitalization.

            29. The rest of the country has strange fast-food places and universally
            crappy pizza. Do they screw up the pizza on purpose because we show up?

            30. Chicago is really part of the North, not the Midwest. We traded
            Pittsburgh and the rest of western Pennsylvania for it. Good deal when
            Pittsburgh was a steel town.

            31. We can't label the Midwest on the map, but we know it when we see
            it. Mostly because it has freckles and a bowl cut. If it's female, it
            has on the tight sweater.

            32. There's really no reason to see the rest of the country when
            everyone's always coming here. We'll see them when they show up in
            Philadelphia, Boston or New York.




            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Parting Chips
            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            We were driving in my friend Larry's new car. I asked him about its
            features. He listed the usual, then added, "It tells me to slow down as I
            approach the speed limit. It warns me when I have to stop. It points out
            solid no-passing lines."

            I replied, "That's nothing new, every car I've ever had since

            I married has had that feature. But it only works when

            the wife is in the car."
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