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Clean Chips For Wed

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  • B.Brabant
    Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. At break time in the Maint. Shop today the subject
    Message 1 of 348 , May 1, 2002
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      Clean Clean


      Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
      name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

      At break time in the Maint. Shop today the subject came up of
      the tragic student shootings in Germany and safety in school in
      general. I remembered back in 1965 an event in seventh grade
      concerning a small presentation that each student had to give on
      his or her favorite hobby. This was a small elementary school,
      grades k-8 about 500 students located about 5 miles from the city
      limits. A few of the male students had hobbies such as guitar,
      coin or stamp collecting, or mechanics but the overwhelming
      interest in this group was hunting.
      The students were allowed with the blessing of the school to
      bring their rifles to school and discuss things like firearm and
      hunting safety and proper cleaning of a rifle or shotgun. The
      only rule was no shells in the guns or on your person. Do you
      know what happened ? NOTHING. It was actually quite boring
      to see the same presentation time after time and then when it was
      all over everyone put their guns back in their cases and took them
      home on the School Bus. Have things really changed that much
      since then ? Yes. Even though the overall majority could still be
      trusted there is still that chance that problems could erupt. I was
      in Army JROTC in high school . We spent six weeks out of
      the school year in the school range qualifying with small arms
      firing about a hundred rounds each day. No mishaps again but
      ROTC is no longer a part of the curriculum.
      So what is the difference between the students of yesterday
      and today that respect firearms and human life and those who
      would kill their classmates? I don't know the schools don't
      know and I doubt the psychologists know but there has to be
      some other answer than destroying all guns.
      Enjoy the chips... buffalo

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      Golf Chips From Dianne
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing.
      Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine.
      He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment
      into the ravine -- in search of his lost ball.

      The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently
      and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer,
      he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron
      in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

      Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner:
      "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."

      Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine
      and calls out: "What's the matter Jim?"

      Jim shouts back in a nervous voice:
      "Throw me my 7 iron! You can't get out of here with an 8
      iron."


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      Toon Chips
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      Microsoft Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      The New Microsoft Restaurant

      Client: Excuse Me, Can I be served please?

      Menu Support Representative (MSR): Hi, my name is William, and I'll be
      your Menu Support Representative. What seems to be the problem?

      Client: There's a fly in my soup!

      MSR: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

      Client: No, it's still there.

      MSR: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork
      instead.

      Client: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

      MSR: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are
      you using?

      Client: A SOUP bowl!

      MSR: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was
      the bowl set up?

      Client: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the
      fly in my soup?!

      MSR: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in
      your soup?

      Client: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

      MSR: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

      Client: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

      MSR: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

      Client: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

      MSR: The current Soup of the Day is Tomato.

      Client: Fine. Bring me the Tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late
      now.

      [MSR leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

      MSR: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

      Client: This is Potato soup.

      MSR: Yes, the Tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

      Client: Well, I'm so hungry now I'll eat anything.

      [The Menu Support Representative leaves.]

      Client: Sir! There's a gnat in my soup!

      The check:
      Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $ 5.00
      Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $ 2.50
      Undocumented Feature (bug X 2). . . $ 6.00
      Access to support . . . . . . . . . $ 1.00
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      Trojan Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      FROM: laocoon@d...
      TO: all
      SB: Greeks bearing gifts

      WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF
      A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY
      DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY!

      The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two
      stories tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and
      appears to be abandoned.

      DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is
      incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of
      heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack
      your town, and kill your women and children.
      If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take
      it back out of
      the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.
      FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!

      Poseidon

      -----
      FROM: hector@s...
      TO: laocoon@d...
      RE: Greeks bearing gifts
      Laocoon,
      I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes
      there is.
      I've seen variants on this warning come through on other
      listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed
      to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with
      something called the "Midas Touch."

      Here are a few tipoffs that this is a hoax:

      1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" crap. If it
      were really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell
      anyone to post it to the Phonecians, Sumerians, and Cretans?

      2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.

      3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems
      with Odysseus but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the
      lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me
      suspicious.

      4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to
      overwrite your entire city. A horse is just an animal, after
      all.

      Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I
      appreciate your concern, but once you've been around the block
      a couple times you'll realize how annoying this kind of stuff
      is.
      Bye now,
      Hector


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      Depressed Chips
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      Blonde Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      In July 1999, a blonde from Stoney Point, Ontario vacationed at a resort on
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      in the 90's, the air-conditioners were running in all of the resort cabins.
      A blonde came to the door of the owner's living quarters and said, "A fuse
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      The owner went to the cabin. The air-conditioner was on and in the bathroom
      was an electric space heater turned on to it maximum output! The owner
      asked the blonde why she had the electric heater running while the air-
      conditioner was running She told him she wanted to shave her legs and it was
      too cold in the room so she got the electric heater out of her car. (Wonder
      what happened to changing the thermostat on the air-conditioner?)

      She said when she got cold she got goose bumps and she was afraid she would
      cut the heads off of the goose bumps when she shaved her legs.


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      Job Chips
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      His co worker said to reconsider. Belfast was a magnificent
      city, with wonderful pubs, loaded with great history, good
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      Then he said: "Why I myself worked in Belfast for almost 10
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      The first asked "What did you do there?"

      "I was tail-gunner on a milk truck."



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      Hunting Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Dave and Jim were out deer hunting. Dave was pretty new to this
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      Well, after an afternoon up in the stand, Dave heard some noise
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      Dave rushed him to the hospital. After what seemed like a very
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      "The gunshot wound wasn't too bad, and we could have saved him
      had you just not gutted and skinned him."



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      Parting Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant
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      When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to
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      Bonus Chip
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Newlywed Bride: "Will you love me when I'm old?"

      Newlywed Groom: "Love you? I shall idolize you. I
      shall worship the ground that you walk on. I
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      like your mother, are you?"

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      From The Buffalos Mail Box

      Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
      ( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors stood
      around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )

      If you know someone who is going to be 80 or over, having a 50th wedding
      anniversary, getting married, or having a baby.
      The White House sends out greeting for this stuff and some others.
      Go to
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      To find out what the requirements are and how to go about it.

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      ~~~~~~

      Hi Buffalo,
      I have enjoyed reading all the opinions on the toilet seat issue, both pro
      and con, sparked by my letter on the subject. Apparently some didn't see my
      disclaimer at the end where I said I was just kiddin'. I was raised in a
      home
      which contained my Mother and three sisters so I learned at an early age how
      the seat should be left, but it's always fun to stir things up and hear
      others' opinions.
      By the way, James Michner said in his book, "The Covenant", that the toilet
      was invented by the English but was improved on by the Welsh by cutting a
      round hole in the seat.
      Your devoted reader,
      J.Moore

      ~~~~~

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      A unicorn awakens the human's pshyce development through intention.
      There presence generates in people a feeling of awe, fascination,
      inspiration and after you become comfortable in their presence you begin
      to feel their light and love.

      The 3rd eye becomes open, opening and closing by intent. The more the
      essence is used the stronger and clearer the pshysic ability will be.
      Sometimes it's clear audioable, or inner knowing, or premonitions.


      Have a nice day.

      Robi

      ~~~

      Hey Everybody;
      You see all the signs that say all the things about uplifting America
      but did you ever stop and think that Americe goes from the northern most
      part of Alaska and Canada all the way to the southern most part of Chili
      (spelling).
      This is all a part of the America and it would be nice if we used the
      tearm "USA" instead of American!

      Horace

      ~~~~~

      know I'm opening a hell of a can of worms here, but here I go. Everybody I
      hear, bitches about us (read U.S.) buying our oil from foregin sources. Why
      not buy their oil? Burn their oil, leave ours alone! Then, when they cut us
      off, when they say there is no more, we can say, "Oh, okay! we'll just start
      using ours now......see ya!!!!!" No oil, no money......jeeze, I'm sorry
      you're broke.......sucks to be you!

      Shadow

      ~~~~~~~

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      ~~~~~~

      I don't mean to Nit Pick, really I do not, but I have a question of some
      importance for "Dianne". A quandary actually.

      Dianne states she's tired of 8 months of cabin fever. I'm curious to know
      which Province she lives in, since our Winter is only 4 months long, as are
      the other seasons. Winter begins November 21, runs until March 21. This
      winter has been a record breaking season for record high temperatures all
      over Canada and parts of the US. While I know that seasons do not change on
      a dime, just because the date says so, there still no way that 8 months
      could come into question.

      Even if Dianne lives up North in Nunavut with the Inuit People and the Polar
      Bears, you still would not get eight months. Note worthy point here.
      Nunavut this winter also had record high temperatures, to the point where
      they were worried it may make the Bears uncomfortable.

      I am not favorable to people talking about our Winters, as if they're a
      hardship and last forever. That's how come people from the US when I've
      been away there, always ask me about Hockey. Yeah, like all of us are
      supposed to know about that. That's when I usually get told, "well don't
      you Canucks play all year round"? Let me answer that with a resounding NO.

      I digress, as I stated we have beautiful seasons when they arrive. Each has
      their own unique characteristics. Spring is for Daffodils and Tulips.
      Summer is for the smell of the flower gardens at Dows Lake and for Flea
      Markets and Chip Wagons. Oh, how those flowers smell like heaven. Fall of
      course is changing colors of the leaves season, and lest we forget, it's
      CORN SEASON. Yes, Corn on the Cob, with sweet melted butter on top. Yummy
      Yummy....can't you just smell them now?

      Mister Buffalo, I thank you again for allowing me to curb my curiosity
      regarding other people's articles. I just required some clarification.

      Your faithful reader,

      Margie
      Ontario, Canada

      ~~~~~

      Hey Buffalo, love your list and the opportunity you provide for feedback.

      To Margie: you are lucky to live in Ottawa, our nation's capital. A lot of
      other cities in Canada do not benefit as greatly as Ottawa does in the
      cultural arena or the history (i.e. parliament buildings).
      I agree Canada is a great place to live. Do not forget and I am sure you
      have not, Ontario has many natural wonders also.

      Canadian Bigfoot from Cornwall
      P.S.: Hope the snow melts in time for the Tulip Festival this weekend.


      ~~~~~~

      A belated Happy Birthday to you Buffalo.
      Today I turned 61 and the question "How did I get here?" keeps running
      through my head! LOL Time sure fly's!
      The outhouse stories of late remind me of the farm we lived on from when
      I was 6 'til about 13. Way out in the woods. No electric, telephone or
      running water at first. The outhouse had two sides of granite blocks and
      was cut into the side of a hill and big enough to stack cord wood out of
      the weather. The comic books that got "recycled" there would probably be
      worth a fortune today! Every so often we would spot something shiny
      between the granite blocks, it would be a drop of mercury. Over the
      years my father collected a fair bit in a little wooden bottle which he
      then sold. To get electric and phone he cleared a path through the woods
      20 feet wide and 1500 feet long, all by hand, no chain saws back then.
      Finally got a 5 inch TV when I was about ten. Fun to look back on and
      tell the kids about but sure wouldn't want to go back to it!
      Best wishes and keep up the fine work.
      Marty
      P.S. We have a monument uptown, as do many, with a lot of names on it
      and a big inscription that says "Freedom isn't Free". Sad but true. To
      all those who have paid the big price and to the Canadians, our men, the
      British and all others involved in this war, Thank You. When one country
      bleeds we all do. God bless them all!.

      ~~~~~~

      Peeing in the SINK?

      To Jim who claims to pee in the sink & wife does not mind ....

      Bad enough that some men consider peeing in the shower while they are
      bathing expeditious...if I was married to you I be buying Prozac by the
      gross.

      Speaking of gross...I wonder if that's how someone, (maybe someone like your
      wife), got the term
      "whack your peepee"?

      lorriek
      kailua, oahu

      ~~~~~~~

      The BEST reason for putting the toilet seat down.... is one that will
      change all readers' minds. Flushing creates a fine spray mist that you
      can't see.... of up to six feet. The toilet water spray will then fall onto
      your towels, razors, soap, and most disgustingly, onto your toothbrushes!
      So, if you don't want to brush your teeth with toilet water spray (and
      germs) ... PUT THE SEAT DOWN!
      My husband was always pretty good about putting the seat down, but
      once we read this, that was IT for both of us. Toilet seat goes down before
      flushing.
      Anne in CT
      "Roseanne" Impersonator


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      Remember 9/11/01
    • William Brabant
      Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. VETERANS DAY, 2009 - - - - - - - BY THE PRESIDENT
      Message 348 of 348 , Nov 11, 2009
      • 0 Attachment
        Clean Clean


        Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
        name is Buffalo and I have the watch.



        VETERANS DAY, 2009
        - - - - - - -
        BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

        A PROCLAMATION

        We have a sacred trust with those who wear the uniform of the United
        States of America. From the Minutemen who stood watch over Lexington
        and Concord to the service members who served in Iraq and
        Afghanistan, American veterans deserve our deepest appreciation and
        respect. Our Nation's servicemen and women are our best and
        brightest, enlisting in times of peace and war, serving with honor
        under the most difficult circumstances, and making sacrifices that
        many of us cannot begin to imagine. Today, we reflect upon the
        invaluable contributions of our country's veterans and reaffirm our
        commitment to provide them and their families with the essential
        support they were promised and have earned.

        Caring for our veterans is more than a way of thanking them for
        their service. It is an obligation to our fellow citizens who have
        risked their lives to defend our freedom. This selflessness binds
        our fates with theirs, and recognizing those who were willing to
        give their last full measure of devotion for us is a debt of honor
        for every American.

        We also pay tribute to all who have worn the uniform and continue to
        serve their country as civilians. Many veterans act as coaches,
        teachers, and mentors in their communities, selflessly volunteering
        their time and expertise. They visit schools to tell our Nation's
        students of their experiences and help counsel our troops returning
        from the theater of war. These men and women possess an unwavering
        belief in the idea of America: no matter where you come from, what
        you look like, or who your parents are, this is a place where
        anything is possible. Our veterans continue to stand up for those
        timeless American ideals of liberty, self-determination, and equal
        opportunity.

        On Veterans Day, we honor the heroes we have lost, and we rededicate
        ourselves to the next generation of veterans by supporting our
        Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, Marines, and Coast Guardsmen as they
        return home from duty. Our grateful Nation must keep our solemn
        promises to these brave men and women and their families. They have
        given their unwavering devotion to the American people, and we must
        keep our covenant with them.

        With respect for and in recognition of the contributions our
        servicemen and women have made to the cause of peace and freedom
        around the world, the Congress has provided (5 U.S.C. 6103(a)) that
        November 11 of each year shall be set aside as a legal public
        holiday to honor our Nation's veterans.

        NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of
        America, do hereby proclaim November 11, 2009, as Veterans Day. I
        encourage all Americans to recognize the valor and sacrifice of our
        veterans through appropriate public ceremonies and private prayers.
        I call upon Federal, State, and local officials to display the flag
        of the United States and to participate in patriotic activities in
        their communities. I call on all Americans, including civic and
        fraternal organizations, places of worship, schools, and communities
        to support this day with commemorative expressions and programs.

        IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this thirtieth day
        of October, in the year of our Lord two thousand nine, and of the
        Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and
        thirty-fourth.

        BARACK OBAMA

        buffalo says All in all not a bad speech. Veteran's Day is hitting a
        little closer to home this year as local units are stationed in
        Afghanistan and we have had two local soldiers killed in action.

        Please keep Nancy in your prayers as surgery to remove a brain
        tumor is tomorrow.

        buffalo


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        Jewish Chips
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        The year is 2012 and the United States of America has
        recently elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish
        President, Ms. Shirley Vineberg.

        So the President-elect calls up her mother in Brooklyn a
        few weeks after Election Day.

        "So ma, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

        "I don't think so. It's a six hour drive, and your father isn't as
        young as he used to be, and my gout is acting up again."

        "Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up
        and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

        "I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy; I don't know what
        on Earth I would wear."

        "Oh mom," replies Susan, "Don't worry about it. I'll make
        sure you have some wonderful dresses by Christian Dior."

        "Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich
        foods you and your friends like to eat."

        The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is
        going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the
        way. Mom, please, I want you to come."

        So Mom agrees and so on January 21, 2013, Shirley Vineberg
        is being sworn in as President of the United States of America.

        In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to
        a Senator sitting next to her; "You see that woman over there with
        her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?"

        The Senator whispers back, "Yes I do."

        "Her brother's a famous doctor."


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait

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        Are You Nearsighted?
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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Riddle Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        What do you get if you cross a car and a pig?
        A road hog

        What do you get when you cross a fish with two elephants?
        Swimming trunks.

        Why was the cat a tennis fan?
        He had two brothers in the racket.

        What do you call a Chinese man with green hair?
        Brock Lee.

        Where in the world should one go to meet with a girl from another
        country for the purpose of going out?
        At the International Date Line (Clynch Varnadore)

        Why did the moron put a chicken in a tub of hot water?
        So she'd lay hard-boiled eggs.


        Stan Kegel

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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        Cat Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Have You Heard About These Cats?

        Have you heard about the tailor who let his cat out, the firefighter
        who put her cat out, and the private eye who put a tail on a Manx?

        Have you heard about the cat who entertained herself with some wool?
        After a while, she had a ball.

        Have you heard what happened when she swallowed that ball? She had
        mittens. All her offspring were born wearing sweaters.

        I hope you found this yarn to be a fine example of knit-wit. Here
        are some other cats that you might have heard about:

        Have you heard about . . .

        . the angry cat? She threw a hissy fit.

        . the grumpy cat? He was a sour puss.

        . the curious cat? He was a peeping tom.

        . the silent cat? She was the victim of a purr snatcher.

        . the psychic cat? He was adopted from the E.S.P.C.A.

        . the sensitive cat? She cried over spilt milk.

        . the dyslexic cat? He cried, "Woem, weom!"

        . the cat who had eight kittens? She was an octopus.

        . the cowardly felines? Their names were Scaredy and Fraidy.

        . the cat who swallowed a duck? He was a down-in-the-mouth,
        duck-filled fatty puss.

        . the cat who had a hair ball? She couldn't hack it.

        . the cat who was a comedian? His name was Groucho Manx.

        . the old cat who became forgetful and stopped making any
        sounds? She developed a purr-senility disorder.

        . the golf-playing cat? Even without a catty he consistently
        scored fur under purr.

        . the adolescent cat? She pleaded with her parents, "Why don't
        you let me lead one of my own lives?"

        . the cat who liked to lounge around the stereo? He hoped to
        catch the tweeter for lunch, unless the woofer got him first.

        . the cat who got hurt? She whimpered, "Me ow!"

        . the cat who was walking the beach on Christmas Eve? He had
        Sandy Claws.

        . the cat who ate some cheese and then sat by a mousehole? She
        waited with baited breath.

        . the radioactive cat? He had eighteen half-lives.

        . the cat who chased a mouse through the screen door? They
        both strained themselves.

        . the cat who robbed McDonald's and Wendy's? She was a cat
        burgerlar.

        . the cat named Ben Hur? It used to be called Ben, until it
        had kittens.

        . the cat who caught a bird? He enjoyed a breakfast of
        shredded tweet.

        . the fast cat? She put quicksand in her litter box.

        . the cat who tried to find out why his humans forgot to place
        cat litter in his box? He didn't have anything to go on.

        . the teeny-tiny cat? She drank only condensed milk.

        . the cat who loved to bowl? He was an alley cat.

        . the alley cat who married a chicken? They had a peeping tom.

        . the cat who married a tree? They had a catalog.

        . the cat who climbed the drapes? She had good claws to do it
        - and she started from scratch.

        . the cat with chutzpah? He was a pushy cat.

        . the cat who swallowed a bag of coins? There was money in
        that kitty.

        . the obese, ill-tempered, talkative cat? He was a flabby,
        crabby, gabby tabby.

        . the mother cat looking for her straying kittens? Like a
        poet, she listened for their mews.

        . the feline who impeded the iceman's work? The cat got his
        tong.

        . the baby cat who joined the Red Cross? She wanted to be a
        first-aid kit.

        . the two cats who raced each other to the milk bowl? One beat
        the other by a lap.

        . the kindle of cats named Johann Christian, Wilhelm
        Friedemann, Johann Sebastian, and Carl Philipp Emanuel? They were
        all born in a litter Bachs.

        . the man who was afraid of cats? He had catatonia,
        clawstrophobia, and purranoia.

        . the woman who refused to spay and neuter her cats? She was
        arrested for kitty littering.

        . the man who saw a sign at a pet store that said "Free Cats"?
        So he went in and did.

        . the unemployed cat burglar from Nepal? What else can a
        Katmandu? (By Richard Lederer)


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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Short Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        A teenager was always asking his father if he could borrow the
        family car. Pushed to the limit, the father asked his son why he
        thought "The Almighty" had given him two feet. Without hesitation,
        the son replied, "That's easy, one for the brake and one for the
        accelator."

        ~~

        Showing his friend around his home, Fred started to point out all of
        the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years
        of marriage. "The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece
        we've got just to see how much it's all worth." "But you couldn't
        possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you
        sell it."
        "Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"

        ~~~~~~

        The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been
        served in a backwoods eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning,
        but two of the spots were suspicious. "Hey," he called out to the
        waitress, "these particles in my soup - aren't they foreign
        objects?" She is scrutinizing his bowl. "No, sir!" she reassured
        him. "Those things live around here."

        ~~~

        "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "Would you be so kind as to
        help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?
        All I have in the world is this gun."

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        This Holiday Season be a hit and steal the show with the Amazing
        Flying Monkey!

        Kids will be putting their expensive toys aside just to play with
        it, you'll see. The fun is contagious!

        You can't put them down. Everyone wants to fly them!

        Not available in stores!

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Short Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        My three-year old daughter was talking to me while I shaved. The
        topic was cartoons, television and reality. She was going into great
        detail about the characters in the Dragon Tales cartoon. When she
        finished I said, "Honey, are cartoons real?" "No." was her brief
        reply. "Is TV real?" I said looking at her. "No." "I'm glad you know
        those things aren't real," I said patting her head. "You know what's
        real?" she asked wide-eyed. "You tell me." "Monsters are real!" she
        said walking out. "No they're not!" I called after her. "Yes they
        are!" "No they're not!" "Yes they are!" "No, honey," I said. "Those
        scary things that occasionally come into our house is only Mommy's
        family..."
        -------------------------------------
        My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for
        protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told
        her, "He doesn't like men." "Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and
        took the dog. Then one day she was approached by two men in a
        parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would
        react. Soon it became clear the the trainer wasn't kidding. As the
        men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.
        --------------------------------------
        The old lady had been married for many years when suddenly her
        husband died. This is what she put on his tombstone: "The Light of
        My Life Has Gone Out." Not long afterward she met, fell in love with
        and married another man. After thinking at some length about it, she
        went to the gravestone cutter and had him add a little postscript.
        The tombstone now
        reads: "The Light of My Life Has Gone out P.S. I Found A Match"


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        Random Chips
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        The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending
        fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him
        carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his
        eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his
        eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

        "Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."
        ---------------------------------
        I dialed a wrong number and got the following recording:
        "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring
        enough to call. I am making some changes in my life.
        Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return
        your call, you are one of the changes."
        -----------------------------------
        Recently we called a business phone number and heard the
        following: If you are calling from a touch-tone phone,
        press one now. If you are calling from a rotary phone,
        hang up and call back from a touch-tone phone.
        ----------------------------
        Heard on my cable-company's answering machine: We realize
        you are still holding. Please do not hang up as this will further
        delay your call.
        ------------------------------
        When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the
        psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your
        problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very
        beginning." "Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I
        created the Heavens and the Earth..."

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        LynnLynn's Links
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
        e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@...

        *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
        Subscribers and Friends

        Melva/GI Joe and Lillie
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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Europe Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




        The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
        English will be the official language of the European Union rather
        than German, which was the other possibility.

        As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
        English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-

        year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

        In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this
        will
        make the sivil servants jump with joy.

        The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up
        konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

        There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
        troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words
        like
        fotograf 20% shorter.

        In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
        expekted
        to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

        Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
        always ben a deterent to akurate speling..

        Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the
        languag
        is disgrasful and it should go away.

        By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
        "th"
        with "z" and "w"with "v".

        During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
        kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl
        riten styl.

        Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu

        understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

        Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted
        in
        ze forst plas.

        If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

        Stan Kegel

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Toon Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Think First
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        It Only Takes One
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        Say What??
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        The First Lincoln Log
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        Where 2% Milk Comes From
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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Don't just Mask Odors, Eliminate them for Good

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Short Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son's
        room, a mother finally laid down the law: Each item of clothing she
        had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents. By the end of the week,
        he owed her $1.50. She received the money promptly, along with a 50
        cent tip and a note that read, "Thanks, Mom -- Keep up the good
        work!"
        ----------------------------------------
        While standing watch in the Coast Guard station in
        Juneau, Alaska, I got a call from the Navy in the
        nearby city of Adak. They'd lost contact with one
        of their planes and needed the Coast Guard to send
        an aircraft to find it.
        I asked the man where the Navy aircraft had last been
        spotted so we would know where to search.
        "I can't tell you," the Navy man said. "That's classified."
        -------------------------------------
        Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friends house.
        Knowing his sweet tooth Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes
        and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake." "No,"
        replied Tommy, "but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could
        make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without me
        asking."

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Gloves that Help Carpal Tunnel, Chronic Pain & Arthritis

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Parting Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



        There was a nun named Sister Mary who, though she tried and tried,
        could never please the Mother Superior.

        One day she decided to chop some wood and build a fire in the
        fireplace to heat the place up, since it was starting to get cold.
        Perhaps that would impress the Mother.

        She spent all day chopping, hauling and stacking wood. Subsequently,
        she wound up shredding the sleeves of her habit.

        That night, as the other nuns came into the rectory, they were
        delighted to find the place warm and cozy, with a big fire roaring
        in the fireplace.

        Mother Superior came in. Sister Mary was prepared for the usual
        criticism, but instead, the Mother commended her. "You did a good
        job. This place is nice and toasty warm. Thank you," she said as she
        placed a hand on Sister Mary's shoulder.

        Sister Mary was speechless. All she could do was hold up her arms
        with the torn sleeves and say, "But look what happened!"

        "You did this chopping wood?" the Mother asked.

        "Yes," the Sister replied. "What do I do?"

        Mother Superior replied, "Simple. When you ax, then you shall re-
        sleeve."


        Stan Kegel


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        In 2009, Derek Jeter made baseball history and we're honoring him on
        this brilliant, uncirculated, genuine US Half Dollar. Layered in
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        Own your piece of baseball history today.


        View Website

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Bonus Chip
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Priest and Pastor

        A priest and pastor from the local parishes were standing by the
        side of
        the road holding up a sign that read, "The End is Near! Turn
        yourself
        around now before it's too late!"

        They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. As the first
        driver sped past, he yelled, "Leave us alone...we don't believe in
        that
        religious stuff!"

        From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

        One clergyman said to the other, "Do you think we should just put up
        a
        sign that says, 'Bridge Out' instead?"

        JSH


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Turbo Snake is the fastest and easiest way to unclog any drain in
        your bathroom guaranteed.
        Simply glide the Turbo Snake down the drain, give it a twirl, and
        the specially designed hooks grab onto the hair and gunk to remove
        the clog with ease. Works on slow or clogged drains. The Large Turbo
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        Small Turbo Snake has a smaller head for sinks.

        Additional Ordering Details:

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        Katie's Komfort Kolumn
        Vol 1519

        Walking and Crisis

        Diana: Okay guys let's go for our walk!

        Rudy: A-Roo!!!

        The dogs and Diana head off for their walk as usual. As they
        approach
        the lake, the dogs head for the lake. Sandi just wades in, but Rudy
        and Katie go swimming. Katie goes in to her head and swims out
        quite a ways. On her way back to shore she walks through some
        weeds and gets some stickers on her and gets one deeply imbedded
        in her ear and immediately suffers some harsh pain.

        Rudy, Sandi and Diana are walking past her.

        Katie is down: Help....

        They are leaving, her voice is weak....

        Rudy, always the point man, circles around to take a head count.

        Rudy: Stop!!! We are missing Katie.

        Diana turns and looks back and sees Katie slowly, staggeringly
        walking
        towards them. She gets her cell phone and calls BJ.

        BJ: Yes.

        Diana: Come get Katie, she is either hurt or ill.

        BJ: On my way!

        A few minutes later...

        BJ opens the car door: Come on girl hop in.

        Katie: Sure glad to see you father.

        At the house..

        BJ: Diana, call the vet when they open and take our little girl in
        and call me at work to let me know what happened.

        much later...

        Diana calls BJ:

        Diana: She had to be put out. She had a sticker in her eardrum.
        She
        was a sick girl, but will be okay. She will be on meds for 10 days.

        Katie: More ice cream please!

        The herd in Guthrie

        (except for the ice cream, pretty much how it happened)

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

        *********************************************

        Remember 9/11/01



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