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Chips for Sat

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  • B.Brabant
    Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. I figured a little fresh snow on the ground on
    Message 1 of 19 , Mar 1, 2002
      Clean Clean


      Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
      name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

      I figured a little fresh snow on the ground on March 1st qualified as
      coming in like a lion but someone decided to make sure it was
      lionlike and now they are predicting 8-16 inches of snow Sat.
      afternoon and night. I won tickets and backstage passes to a 80's
      concert consisting of Warrant, Firehouse, and LA Guns from a local
      radio station this week and told the daughter that she could have them
      and take a friend but now the concert at Kewadin Casinos may be
      cancelled. Last month's concert by Tesla was rescheduled to April
      because of a storm as few bands want to be trapped in the Sault
      or the Lower Peninsula if the Mackinac Bridge is closed down due
      to high winds. I am going to get this out early and head for work
      early in the morning so hopefully everything will be out of the way
      before the storm hits. Enjoy the chips and stay by the fire..buffalo

      BTW Beware of a freshly discovered virus from Europe . It is a
      Virtual Basic Script vbs with Britney Spears Picture as the
      attraction line .
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      Bad Day Chips
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      1)You wake up - face down on the pavement

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      13)You wake up and your braces are locked together

      14)You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your
      business

      15)Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife



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      Toon Chips
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      http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00030219 The Female Brain...

      http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00030225 Urban Fishing...

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      Cat Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Tabby or Not Tabby !

      Q: What do cat actors say on stage ?
      A: Tabby or not tabby !

      Q: How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling ?
      A: She's got that down in the mouth look !

      Q: What do you get if cross a cat with a canary ?
      A: Shredded tweet !

      Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree ?
      A: cat-a-log !

      Q: Why did the cat join the Red Cross ?
      A: Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit !

      Q: How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures?
      A: They never cry over spilt milk!

      Q: Why was the cat so small?
      A: Because it only ate condensed milk!

      Q: What does the lion say to his friends before they
      go out hunting for food?
      A: 'Let us prey.'

      Q: Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
      A: There was some money in the kitty!

      Dianne


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      Heaven Chips
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      The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being
      good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked,
      "Where do you want to go?!"

      "Heaven!" they all piped up.

      "And what do you have to be to get there?"

      "Dead!"

      ~~~~

      A two and a half year old walked into the bathroom while her mother was
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      "Maybe, when you grow up," her mother told her.

      "No mommy, tomorrow. I just put on that 'Oil of Old Lady' you always use."



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      Yahoo Chips
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      +++++++++++++++ THE BIRTH OF YAHOO +++++++++++++++

      An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit
      and says . . . And, lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of
      Abraham.Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot
      Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had
      been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why
      doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods, when thou can trade
      without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she
      were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How,
      dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
      between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply
      telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums
      and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided
      he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And Dot said, "There will be a
      lot of banging in the land." And Abraham replied, "It is my most fervent
      wish that this be so." And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.
      Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving
      from his tent. But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did
      secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And
      the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel
      dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or
      NERDS for short. And, lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new
      riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real
      riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who
      bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making
      drums that would only work if you bought Brother William's drumsticks. And
      Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
      others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to
      be known, "eBay," he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what
      we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
      "Whoopee!" said Abraham. "No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com.


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      Short Chips
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      With the divorce rate so high in America, a new organization has been
      formed called, "Marriage Anonymous."
      Whenever a man feels like getting married, they send over a woman
      wearing a torn housecoat, with curlers in her hair and cream on her
      face, and she tries to nag him out of it.


      A Navy officer was shipwrecked and found himself in the hands
      of wild cannibals.
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      Yard Sale Chips
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      Fun things to do at garage & yard sales:

      1. Demand to see something that's not out for
      sale. When they go to look for it, leave.

      2. Ask for a 90% reduction in the marked price.

      3. Walk around criticizing the quality, condition,
      color, size, quantity, price and anything else
      about the merchandise. Leave saying "I've seen
      better junk at the landfill!"

      4. Spend a lot of time picking up, fondling and
      walking around with a bunch of stuff. When you
      get their hopes high enough, put it all back
      and leave.

      5. When not observed, switch or remove the price
      tags.

      6. When you see a sale, go home, round up all the
      neighborhood kids and dogs, bring them to the
      sale and let them loose. Stay in the car and
      watch the fun.

      7. When you see a sale, drive ever so slowly by.
      Go up the block, turn around and drive sloowwllyy
      by again. Repeat a dozen times.

      8. Ask for food and drink.

      9. Act like your lost. Ask for directions. Pretend
      you don't understand. Leave cursing.

      10. Pass 2 or 3 hours in inane conversation. Leave
      without making a purchase.

      11. Walk all over in their neighbor's yards. Peek
      at the sale through the shrubbery. Ring the
      neighbor's doorbells. Ask "Where's the garage
      sale?"

      12. Pretend like you're going to buy a lot of
      valuable or fragile items. Make them wrap them
      very carefully. After this say "I've changed my
      mind" and leave.

      14. Picket the sale with a sign that reads "Garage
      Sales Unfair to Retail Merchants"



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      From The Buffalos Mail Box

      Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
      ( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors stood
      around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )

      The smell of fresh cut hay is incredible. The beauty of wildflowers in
      spring and summer is breathtaking. Watching lighting bugs fly at night and
      not hearing a car pass maybe all day is a memory I still cherish. Home
      baked pies, homemade ice-cream and good ole fashion corn bread and chicken
      were the highlight of Church dinners.

      On the farm, everyone worked. Gathering eggs, milking the cows, slopping
      the hogs and yet I can not remember hearing any complaints....


      I remember quite well these things from B.J.Cassady..
      Thanks for sending his stories.
      Keep up the good work, Buff. And have a great day!

      Maggie

      ~~~~~~

      We Are Being Watched!
      By Jules Van Para Noid

      Have you noticed the street department painting more and more on the
      streets and highways lately? Well I borrowed one of their cans of paint
      while
      they were not looking. It seems the paint has tiny titanium built video
      cameras and new x-tron radios receivers. What the new x-tron radio receiver
      and do is control the cars that drive over their receiver within a mile
      distance. This gives the listener the ability to listen inside your car for
      converstaions. This does help with drug interdiction but is worrying, to say
      the least, for the average citizen. Just the other night after my NA
      meeting,
      I was driving over highway
      63 and drove over some of the new paint. My radio started giving commands
      to
      me. "Take the next exit."
      I smelled the fumes of the paint and it reminded me of the days of
      paint-sniffing, "exit, we are watching you."
      I exited and pulled into the parking lot where men in blue suits were
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      them
      it was narcotics anonomous, they relaxed and mumbled something about they
      thought it was a Nations Attack group and let me go with a stern warning
      never
      to talk about this or I would disappear.
      Well I have to tell someone...just a moment my doorbell is ringing.
      NO
      you cant come in here, get out you have not right to....

      B. J. Cassady
      Production Control Analyst

      ~~~~~


      Buffalo:
      Dot from Texas wrote that it's a stupid policy that, having sold nuclear
      power plants to other countries such as France, one of the stipulations of
      these sales is that WE dispose of THEIR waste.
      The reason for this is that we are worried, with some justification, that
      this nuclear waste would end up in the hands of someone wishing us or our
      allies ill. I imagine that someone like Saddam would love to get his grubby
      mitts on this stuff so he could lob a few "dirty bombs" at either Us
      soldiers stationed in the Mideast or at Israel. It's awful stuff, but it's
      better in out hands than in Saddam's. Better waste than wasted.
      SirJay

      Buffalo says did anyone see the segment on tech tv on using x-rays to
      clean radioactive materials. It was estimated a 50 million dollar plant
      would clean 6,000 lbs. of waste a year and at the same time produce enough
      electricity for a town of 50,000.

      ~~~~

      Hi Buffalo,

      I've been mulling this for a few days, and have decided to write:

      During my military and civilain careers, I've been there and done that. I
      have spend some time in some interesting places including: Bosnia, all over
      Europe, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Jordan, Isreal, Oman, Yemen, etc....

      I have met people of many "faiths" and enjoyed every moment. And, I do not
      have any bias that I know of, I have many Jewish and Muslim friends.

      Right now the most dangerious part of the world is the Middle-East. Why???
      Because we have two different views that are unable to come to any sense of
      agreement. Some Isreali expanisionist want to get rid of the Palistinians
      and build more settlements, because: "God promised" them the land. And,
      there are some Palistinians who want to see "Isreal" disappear.

      In 1878, the Secertary of the Interior of the United States reported to
      Congress that, "We must use whatever means necessary to subdue the American
      Natives" to ensure that we are able to use the land properly. "Manifest
      Destiny!"

      In 1936, Hitler declared "Liebenraum". A powerful nation has the right to
      take over another nation in order to expand.

      In 1947, the UN declared that the Nation of Palistine no longer existed.
      And, that the Nation of Isreal will take it's place.

      On that date, Abdul, who's family had been plowing the land for 2000 years,
      no longer owned the land and his "Nation" no longer existed.

      I know I sound like I'm on the Palistinians side. But, I'm really on the
      side of mutual self respect; each side must recognize the other's right to
      exist. As a Saudi friend explained to me: "Abraham had 2 sons: one became
      the "Father" of the Jews and the other became the "Father" of the Arabs.
      Therefore, the Jews and the Muslims are "Brothers"". He had no hatered of
      the Jews, only of the way that Isreal oppressed of the Palistinians.

      The bottom line is that until "Some" radical Palistinians (Hamas) and some
      "Some" radical Isrealis come to a meeting of the minds (i.e. "mutual
      co-existance") there can be no peace in the "Middle-East".

      Please, recognize the "right" of each other to "exist"

      Don, of Niagara Falls.

      ~~~~~~~

      This is to the people who have been saying the Q'uran preaches death and
      destruction to the infidels...check it out at this site...it is a hypertext
      version of the Holy Q'uran...I think you will see by reading that Allah will
      repay sin with pain and righteousness with bliss...it doesn't say that those
      who do not follow Islam are infidel so mauch as it says those that do not
      the will of Allah will be punished. Allah is in many places referred to as
      redeemer and comforter. This is a very good read and I would say a must
      read for anyone who wishes to knkow what they are gonna blather about.
      THE HOLY Q'URAN
      http://www.islam.org/Mosque/SURAI.HTM

      By reading it you will see that those who perpetrated the 9-11 atrocities
      have condemned themselves in the eyes of Allah...they did not follow his
      teaching...many of them are illiterate...their only source of the Word of
      their Allah is that which is given to them by other men...how many versions
      of the Bible are there...how many evangelists and other alleged God-speakers
      say they know the true meaning of the word? How many Christians really know
      only what they have been told by those who minister unto them and have
      learned in the process that the Word can be interpreted to support almost
      any argument. Jim Jones as I recall used the Bible and the God Jehovah as
      his divine source. Now I have a problem and I get confused with all the
      evangelists out their, but I believe it was Oral Roberts who told his
      followers that a 300 foot vision of Jesus in the desert told him he would be
      called to his Maker if he didn't receive something like a million dollars in
      donations...Still here isn't he...didn';t get the million...how many of the
      religious Right (note I do not say Christian Right) use religion to advocate
      whatever they want...to have their followers willingly give up their
      GOD-GIVEN freedoms because some asshole in a suit says it is so.

      By the way...I am Wiccan...I believe in a God/Goddess of many names and
      meins. By the way...the U.S.Army Chaplain's handbook or whatever it is they
      use for direction has a section dealing with the acceptance of Wicca and
      other nature-based religions

      The biggest conspiracy has always been the fact that
      there is no conspiracy. Nobody's out to get you. Nobody
      gives a shit whether you live or die. There, you feel
      better now? - Dennis Miller

      Mojo

      ~~~~~

      Buffalo says
      I would like to hear some opinions on the following site. I feel that it is
      a shame in that it reduces a realationship to a contractual agreement
      and some feel that is necessary in this day and age. This site may
      not be for the very easily offended .

      http://www.consentcondom.com/howto.html

      ~~~~~

      Christine,

      What a great write-up about the Rainbow Girls! Thanks for sharing it.

      I was surprised when I read your list of Masonic presidents because Ronald
      Reagan isn't included. My mom told me that Ronald Reagan is a Freemason. I
      assumed that she would know because my dad knew Ronald Reagan. It was always
      fun to see the photo-Christmas cards that President Reagan would send to my
      dad. Gee, I wonder if Mom saved those? (my dad is deceased).

      Hugs,
      Cat

      << Masonic presidents

      Geo. Washington, Thos. Jefferson, James Madison, James
      Monroe, Andrew Jackson, James Polk, James Buchanan,
      Andrew Johnson, James Garfield, William McKinley,
      Theodore Roosevelt, William Taft, Warren Harding,
      Franklin Roosevelt, Harry Truman, and Gerald Ford. >>

      ~~~~~

      Bill,

      I just heard about Danielle a few minutes before I read your wonderful
      e-zine. My heart is breaking for her family. This is so sad. Amen to all
      that
      you said, my friend.

      Hugs,
      Cat

      In a message dated 2/28/02 11:08:52 PM Pacific Standard Time,
      buffalo@... writes:

      << The only real news today was the one we didn't want to hear.
      Though chances were minute that Danielle would be found alive
      I still hoped that things would end differently. Even though I have
      been away from San Diego for years I still have memories of it being
      one of the best places on earth to live . My thoughts go out to her
      parents and I wish them the strength to make it through this ordeal.
      To her murderer I wish only prosecution to the fullest extent of the
      law. >>

      Buffalo says

      Thanks Cat
      California was my home for 15 years, good place with good people
      .The big towns are small communities pieced together with people that know
      everyone in their neighborhood. To think that a neighbor even a casual
      acquaintance would do that is terrible.

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      Parting Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      TEACHER: Why are you late?

      SAMMY: Because of the sign.

      TEACHER: What sign?

      SAMMY: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow". That's what I did.




      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

      *********************************************

      Remember 9/11/01
    • B.Brabant
      Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Hi everyone ..hope you are enjoying the start of
      Message 2 of 19 , Apr 5, 2002
        Clean Clean


        Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
        name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

        Hi everyone ..hope you are enjoying the start of your weekend.
        It is snowing lightly outside but we have been promised a start
        to spring this weekend and about a week of April Showers.
        Tonight's List is reader generated . I shook the mailbag and I am
        sending what fell out.. Actually there are still almost 400 pieces
        of mail down there and although some of it has been seen many
        times before it is all really good. There is also about a day's worth
        of mail and then some in there that we will get out over the weekend.

        A few guidelines, due to some recent mail overflows it may be best
        to send your letters to the buffalo@... to make sure I receive
        them.

        Enjoy the chips and we will see you for brunch an hour earlier
        tomorrow.




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        Taliban Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


        It must be discouraging to:


        -Go to a costume party dressed as a pirate and see Mullah Omar over by the
        punch bowl.

        -Attempt to imagine the cloud shapes look like imaginary animals.and realize
        they all look like side by side snakes

        -Find out your enemy's bombs are smarter than you are.

        -Realize the "rules of engagement" allow for free agency.

        - Find out that the demise of your military commander didn't make things any
        worse than they were before.

        -Literally have to "head for the hills."

        -Learn that a real "magic carpet" is loud, explosive, and falls from the
        sky.

        -Find out that an AC-130 doesn't aim at you.it just has to aim at your
        Province.

        -Hear your commander yell, "Mohammed, attack that line," and see half of
        your battalion stand up at the same time looking confused.

        -Hear your commander yell, "Abdulah, attack that line," and see the other
        half of your battalion stand up.

        -Develop a chaffing around your forehead from the Holiday Inn monogram.

        -Realizing that when someone said that the enemy smoked your camels you
        think he meant your cigarettes, but was trying to tell you that you have to
        walk to the next town.

        -Witness a bomb the size of a Volkswagon fall on your position, not go off,
        and still annihilate your platoon.

        -Witness a bomb the size of a Volkswagon fall on your position, go off, and
        annihilate a platoon down the road a ways.

        -Spend years training to kill infidels, attack the "Great Satan" and
        realize, like the one who finishes last in the Boston Marathon, you could
        have eaten cheeseburgers, not trained.and still have been just as effective.

        -Spend your last breath denigrating Jews while calling for the Taliban to
        fight to their deaths, only to find out that the only actor tall enough to
        play you in the movies is Jeff Goldblum, a Jew.

        -Get assigned as a driver for an Osama bin Laden double.

        -Need a new Timex watch battery in Afghanistan.

        -Share a cave with a ardent fan of Blazing Saddles.

        -Realize that you are the only member of your platoon that has all your
        limbs.

        -Realize that no one in your platoon has all their limbs and your only
        diversion is a deck of cards.

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        Toon Chips
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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        23rd Psalm Chips from Hifran
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        (All for the original say aye... Buffalo)

        The Politically Correct 23rd Psalm.....

        The Lord and I are in a shepherd-sheep relationship, and I am in
        a position of negative need.

        He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area, and conducts me
        into lateral proximity with a non-torrential aqueous accumulation.

        He restores to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup.

        Notwithstanding the fact that I make ambulatory progress through the
        non-illuminated geological interstice of mortality, terror sensations
        shall not be manifest within me due to the proximity of omnipotence.

        Your pastoral walking aid and quadruped-restraint module induce
        in me a pleasurific mood state.

        You design and produce a nutrient-bearing support structure in the
        context of non-cooperative elements.

        You enact a head-related folk ritual utilizing vegetable extracts, and
        my beverage container exhibits inadequate volumetric parameters.

        Surely it must be an intrinsic non-deductible factor that your
        inter-relational, emphatic, and non-vengeful attributes will pursue me
        as their target focus for the duration of the current non-death period.

        And I will possess tenant rights in the residential facility of the Lord
        on a permanently open-ended time basis.


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        Mall Chips
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        silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

        The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"

        The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I
        ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life. I ain't got no
        idea'r what it is."

        While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
        lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
        button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
        room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
        circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued
        to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to
        light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a
        gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father,
        not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy,
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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Pot Chips From George K Jingles
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Bill,
        This came through from an ole Navy Buddy out West, first time I heard it
        here in Michigan, the last line is the kicker.
        Enjoy,
        Jingles, USN-Ret
        The Two Pots
        A water bearer in India had two large pots, each
        hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck.
        One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect
        and always delivered a full portion of water.
        At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked
        pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily,
        with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to
        his house.
        Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect
        for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its
        own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only
        half of what it had been made to do.
        After 2 years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke
        to the water bearer one day by the stream. I am ashamed of myself,
        and I want to apologize to you. I have been able to deliver only half
        my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all
        the way back to your house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all
        of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts, " the
        pot said.
        The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers
        only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?
        That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted
        flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk
        back, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick
        these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.
        Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this
        beauty to grace the house.

        Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots.
        But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives
        together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take
        each person for what they are, and look for the good in them.
        Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.
        Remember to appreciate all the different people in your life!

        Blessings to all my cracked pot friends and relatives.

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Aloha Mr. Bill,

        I can sympathize with the following lady, I just cringe when my hubbie sends
        me to either the auto parts or the hardware store -- & do you think he
        reciprocates & buys me "feminine" stuff when I can't leave the house?? Talk
        about cringing! :0)

        lorriek

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        The other day I was in the local auto part store. A lady comes in and

        asks for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other and said,

        "What's a seven ten cap?"

        She said, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow

        and I need a new one."

        "What kind of a car is it on," they asked?

        Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no,

        she said its a Buick.

        "OK lady, how big is it?"

        She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.

        "What does it do?," we asked.

        She said, "I don't know, but its always been there."

        One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a

        picture of it.

        So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center

        she writes 710.

        The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she

        writes it, and they just fall down behind the counter laughing so hard in

        hysterics. One guy who could finally talk said,

        "I think you want an oil cap."

        She said, "Seven Ten cap, oil cap, I don't care what you call it, I

        just need one, and I don't see what is so funny about it."


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        Atheist Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        An elderly lady was known for her faith and her boldness in talking
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        Lord!"

        Next door to her lived an atheist who would get angry at her
        proclamations and he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!"

        Hard times set in on the elderly lady and she prayed to God to send
        her some assistance... She stood on her front porch and shouted,
        "Praise the Lord...God I need food!! I am having a hard time.
        Please, Lord, send me some groceries."

        The next morning the lady went out on her porch, noted a large bag
        of groceries and she shouted, "Praise the Lord."

        The neighbour jumped up from behind a bush and said, "Ha ha.. I
        told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries. God didn't."

        The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and
        saying, "Praise the Lord. He not only sent me groceries but He
        made the devil pay for them. PRAISE THE LORD."



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        DIY Chips From Pamela
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Do-it-yourself Country & Western Song Kit [Bill's Punch Line]

        I met her __________ _____; I can still recall _________
        (1) (2) (3)

        1. 2. 3.
        on the highway in September that purple dress
        in Sheboygan at McDonald's that little hat
        outside Fresno ridin' shotgun that burlap bra
        at a truck stop wrestlin' gators those training pants
        on probation all hunched over the stolen goods
        in a jail cell poppin' uppers that plastic nose
        in a nightmare sort of pregnant the Stassin pin
        incognito with joggers the neon sign
        in the Stone Age stoned on oatmeal that creepy smile
        in a treehouse with Merv Griffin the hearing aid
        dead all over the boxer shorts

        she wore; She was ______ _____,
        (4) (5)

        4. 5
        sobbin' at the toll booth in the twilight
        drinkin' Dr. Pepper but I loved her
        weighted down with Twinkies by the off-ramp
        breakin' out with acne near Poughkeepsie
        crawlin' through the prairie with her cobra
        smellin' kind of funny when she shot me
        crashin' through the guardrail on her elbows
        chewin' on a hangnail with Led-Zeppelin
        talkin' in Swahili with Miss Piggy
        drownin' in the quicksand with a wetback
        slurpin' up linguini in her muu-muu

        and I knew _______; _______
        (6) (7)

        6. 7.
        no guy would ever love her more I promised her
        I knew deep down
        she'd bought her dentures in a store She asked me if
        that she would be a crashing bore I told her shrink
        I'd never rate her more than "4" The judge declared
        they'd hate her guts in Baltimore My Pooh Bear said
        it was a raven, nothing more I shrieked in pain
        we really lost the last World War The painters knew
        I'd have to scrape her off the floor A Klingon said
        what strong deodorants were for My hamster thought
        that she was rotten to the core The blood test showed
        that I would upchuck on the floor Her rabbi said

        I'd ______ forever; She said to me ____;
        (8) (9)

        8. 9.
        stay with her our love would never die
        warp her mind there was no other guy
        swear off booze man wasn't meant to fly
        that Nixon didn't lie
        punch her out her basset hound was shy
        live off her that Rolaids made her high
        have my rash she'd have a swiss on rye
        stay a dwarf she loved my one blue eye
        hate her dog her brother's name was Hy
        pick my nose she liked "Spy vs. Spy"
        play "Go Fish" that birthdays made her cry
        salivate she couldn't stand my tie

        But who'd have thought she'd _____ ___________;
        (10) (11)

        10. 11.
        run off with my best friend
        wind up in my Edsel
        boogie on a surfboard
        yodel on "The Gong Show"
        sky dive with her dentist
        turn green on her "Workmate"
        freak out with a robot
        blast off
        make it at her health club
        black out in her Maytag
        bobsled with her guru
        grovel while in labor

        _________ goodbye.
        (12)

        12.
        You'd think at least that she'd have said
        I never had the chance to say
        She told her dumb friend Grace to say
        I now can kiss my credit cards
        I guess I was too smashed to say
        I watched her melt away and sobbed
        She fell beneath the wheels and cried
        She sent a hired thug to say
        She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
        I pushed her off the bridge and waved
        But that's the way that pygmies say
        She sealed me in the vault and smirked.



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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Parting Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Today we mourn the passing of an old friend by the name of Common
        Sense. Common Sense lived a long life but died from heart failure at
        the brink of the millennium. No one really knows how old he was since
        his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
        selflessly
        devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, factories and
        offices, helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness.
        For decades, petty rules, silly laws and frivolous lawsuits held no
        power
        over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued
        lessons as to know when to come in out of the rain, the early bird gets
        the worm, and life isn't always fair.
        Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
        than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (adults are in charge, not
        kids),
        and it's okay to come in second.
        A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the
        Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural and educational
        trends including feminism, body piercing, whole language and "new math."
        But his health declined when he became infected with the
        "If-it-only-helps-
        one-person-it's-worth-it" virus. In recent decades his waning strength
        proved no match for the ravages of overbearing federal regulation.
        He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers
        and enlightened auditors.
        His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented zero
        tolerance policies, reports of six year old boys charged with sexual
        harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig
        of mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly
        student. It declined even further when schools had to get parental
        consent to administer aspirin to a student but cannot inform the parent
        when the female student is pregnant or wants an abortion.
        Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments
        became contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received
        better treatment than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in
        everything from Boy Scouts to professional sports.
        As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was
        kept informed of developments, regarding questionable regulations for
        asbestos, low flow toilets, "smart" guns, the nurturing of Prohibition
        Laws and mandatory air bags.
        Finally when told that the homeowners association restricted exterior
        furniture only to that which enhanced property values, he breathed his
        last.
        Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust;
        his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son,
        Reason.
        He is survived by three stepbrothers: Rights, Tolerance and Whiner.
        Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.



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        Bonus Chip From Da Mojoman
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Tongue Twisters

        Sam's shop stocks short spotted socks.

        A flea and a fly flew up in a flue.
        Said the flea, "Let us fly!"
        Said the fly, "Let us flee!"
        So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

        Knapsack straps.

        Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?

        Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better.

        A bitter biting bittern
        Bit a better brother bittern,
        And the bitter better bittern
        Bit the bitter biter back.
        And the bitter bittern, bitten,
        By the better bitten bittern,
        Said: "I'm a bitter biter bit, alack!"

        Inchworms itching.

        A noisy noise annoys an oyster.

        The myth of Miss Muffet.

        Mr. See owned a saw.
        And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
        Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw
        Before Soar saw See,
        Which made Soar sore.
        Had Soar seen See's saw
        Before See sawed Soar's seesaw,
        See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw.
        So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
        But it was sad to see Soar so sore
        Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw!



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        From The Buffalos Mail Box

        Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
        ( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors stood
        around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )

        Hey Buffalo. I'm about a week behind on my email, and didn't know if
        you'd seen this yet (from Ernie's) or not. (P.S. -- Regular gas at the
        7-Eleven next to your old place on Oliphant St. in San Diego is at $1.59
        a gallon.)

        Don Rogers

        = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

        Since the attack, I have seen, heard, and read thoughts of such
        surpassing stupidity that they must be addressed. You've heard them too.
        Here they are:

        1) "We're not good, they're not evil, everything is relative."

        Listen carefully: We're good, they're evil, nothing is relative. Say it
        with me now and free yourselves. You see, folks, saying "We're good"
        doesn't mean "We're perfect." Okay? The only perfect being is the
        bearded guy on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. The plain fact is that
        our country has, with all our mistakes and blunders, always been and
        always will be, the greatest beacon of freedom, charity, opportunity,
        and affection in history.

        If you need proof, open all the borders on Earth and see what happens.
        In about half a day, the entire world would be a ghost town, and the
        United States would look like one giant line to see "The Producers."

        2) "Violence only leads to more violence."

        This one is so stupid you usually have to be the president of an Ivy
        League university to say it. Here's the truth, which you know in your
        heads and hearts already: Ineffective, unfocused violence leads to more
        violence. Limp, panicky, half-measures lead to more violence.

        However, complete, fully-thought-through, professional, well- executed
        violence never leads to more violence because, you see, afterwards, the
        other guys are all dead. That's right, dead. Not "on trial," not
        "reeducated," not "nurtured back into the bosom of love." Dead.
        D-E-Well, you get the idea.

        3) "The CIA and the rest of our intelligence community has failed us."

        For 25 years we have chained our spies like dogs to a stake in the
        ground, and now that the house has been robbed, we yell at them for not
        protecting us. Starting in the late seventies, under Carter-appointee
        Stansfield Turner, the giant brains who get these giant ideas decided
        that the best way to gather international intelligence was to use spy
        satellites." After all," they reasoned, "you can see a license plate
        from 200 miles away." This is very helpful if you've been attacked by a
        license plate.

        Unfortunately, we were attacked by humans. Finding humans is not
        possible with satellites. You have to use other humans. When we bought
        all our satellites, we fired all our humans, and here's the really
        stupid part. It takes years, decades to infiltrate new humans into the
        worst places of the world. You can't just have a guy who looks like Gary
        Busey in a Spring Break '93 sweatshirt plop himself down in a coffee
        shop in Kabul and say "Hiya, boys. Gee, I sure would like to meet that
        bin Laden fella." "Well, you can, but all you'd be doing is giving the
        bad guys a story they'll be telling for years.

        4) "These people are poor and helpless, and that's why they're angry at
        us."

        Uh-huh, and Jeffrey Dahmer's frozen head collection was just a desperate
        cry for help. The terrorists and their backers are richer than Elton
        John and, ironically, a good deal less annoying. The poor helpless
        people, you see, are the villagers they tortured and murdered to stay in
        power. Mohamed Atta, one of the evil scumbags who steered those planes
        into the killing grounds (I'm sorry, one of the "alleged hijackers,"
        according to CNN - they stopped using the word "terrorist," you know),
        is the son of a Cairo surgeon. But you knew this, too. In the sixties
        and seventies, all the pinheads marching against the war were
        upper-middle-class college kids who grabbed any cause they could think
        of to get out of their final papers and spend more time drinking. At
        least, that was my excuse. It's the same today. Take the
        Anti-Global-Warming (or is it World Trade? Oh, who knows what the hell
        they want, demonstrators) They all charged their black outfits and plane
        tickets on dad's credit card before driving to the airport in their
        SUV's.

        5) "Any profiling is racial profiling."

        Who's killing us here, the Norwegians? Just days after the attack, the
        New York Times had an article saying dozens of extended members of the
        gazillionaire bin Laden family living in America were afraid of
        reprisals and left in a huff, never to return to studying at Harvard and
        using too much Drakkar. I'm crushed. I think we're all crushed. Please
        come back. With a cherry on top? Why don't they just change their names,
        anyway? It's happened in the past. Think about it. How many Adolfs do
        you run into these days?

        Shortly after that, I remember watching TV with my jaw on the floor as a
        government official actually said, "That little old grandmother from
        Sioux City could be carrying something." Okay, how about this: No, she
        couldn't. It would never be the grandmother from Sioux City. Is it even
        possible? What are the odds? Winning a hundred Powerball lotteries in a
        row? A thousand? A million?

        And now a Secret Service guy has been tossed off a plane and we're all
        supposed to cry about it because he's an Arab? Didn't it have the
        tiniest bit to do with the fact that he filled out his forms incorrectly
        ---three times? And then left an Arab history book on his seat as he
        strolled off the plane? And came back? Armed? Let's please all stop
        singing "We Are the World" for a minute and think practically. I don't
        want to be sitting on the floor in the back of a plane four seconds away
        from hitting Mt. Rushmore and turn, grinning, to the guy next to me to
        say, "Well, at least we didn't offend them."

        SO HERE'S what I resolve for the new year:

        Never to forget our murdered brothers and sisters.

        Never to let the relativists get away with their immoral thinking.

        After all, no matter what your daughter's political science professor
        says, we didn't start this.

        Have you seen that bumper sticker that says, "No More Hiroshimas"? I
        wish I had one that says, "You First. No More Pearl Harbors."

        ---Views of Gen. (USAF-Ret) Richard E. Hawley

        Buffalo says saw it but can't remember if I printed it..Thanx

        ~~~~~~

        This is one of the best sites that I have seen on here about the events of
        Sept 11, 2001 Sandy

        The Best 9-11 Site?

        I found a site that has got to be the best 9-11 site ever. It shows you
        what's basically a presentation of the events in the order they happened.
        It's a reminder of why we are fighting in the middle east and is a memorial
        to all those who suffered and died last September.

        It's big and it takes awhile to load (especially with a dial up), but it's
        well worth it. You may want to have a tissue handy:

        http://www.politicsandprotest.com/


        ~~~~~~~

        Canadian Hockey Rules From Randy
        A POEM THAT'S TRULY CANADIAN


        It was a 5-2 loss that started the bleeding
        A loss to Mats and his country of Sweden
        Next up, it's easy - but just a 3-2 win
        By a bunch of young fellas from united Berlin
        They can't hit the net, they can't even pass it
        There not chance in the world they're gonna beat Hasek
        It's the bloody big ice, it's a number of things
        They don't want it as much, they got their cup rings
        But a 33 tie, with a late goal you would like
        Scored by none other than Joe Nieuwendyk
        The one that they thought was too slow and too old
        Has not given up the quest for hockey gold.
        Then things started changing, all for the best
        They beat Selanne and Finland, lets take on the rest.
        Then Sweden was next, they'd better get loose
        But the Swedes were beaten by who... Belarus!
        And then the ladies from out of the blue
        Against the favoured Americans, knew what to do
        The Yanks threw our flag on the floor they were told
        So they captured our hearts and captured the gold
        Then suddenly the Great one, our hero of youth
        Told the hockey world the absolute truth
        He said they don't like us, they want us to lose
        We need to get meaner and inflict the odd bruise
        So a North American Final was set us and the States
        This time they were ready, they laced up their skates
        This game was about skill, speed, and the odd chance
        It would not be decided by a dumb judge from France
        The yanks scored first, we sucked in our chest
        But our boys came out and they played their best
        Sakic, Lindros, Iginla, Lemeiux
        And Gold is ours... Canada, 5 Yanks, 2
        Despite the bad press and media opinions
        We danced in the street like crazed Palestinians
        From Victoria to St. John's we screamed and we shouted
        Like Don Cherry predicted, the Yanks... they were routed
        When we play hockey there is no English or French
        There is no division among us; it's just the guys on the bench
        They played the game for our Country, they played it true
        And on behalf of the Country I say thank you.
        For this game is now ours, there is no longer a debate
        About the lack of finesse or the way that we skate
        This nation of Canada has gotta' lot of class
        But if you wanna' play hockey ... we'll kick your ass!

        John Riche, Newfoundland, Canada

        ~~~~~


        Sidney - YOU are my new best friend...... I have received this a gazillion
        times up to the "beer" part.
        I am one of those "glass half-empty" people.
        I LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!
        -SandiMom
        ~~~~~

        In a message dated 4/5/02 2:44:26 AM Eastern Standard Time,
        buffalo@... writes:



        I'm looking for the joke about the professor that was doing a demonstration
        before his students. (This is a very rough idea of it.) Do you know it?

        ----Sidney


        There's Always Room For More Beer

        A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of
        him.

        When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar
        and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.

        He then asked the students if the jar was full.

        They agreed it was.

        So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the
        jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open
        areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was
        full.

        They agreed it was.

        The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course,
        the sand filled up everything else.

        "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life.

        The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health
        and your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they
        remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things
        that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is every thing
        else. The small stuff."

        "If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or
        the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and
        energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are
        important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your
        happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take
        your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the
        house, give a dinner party and fix the waste disposal."

        "Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your
        priorities. The rest is just sand."

        But then a student took the jar which the other students and the professor
        agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the
        beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

        The moral of this tale is: That no matter how full your life is, there is
        always room for BEER.



        `~~~~~~

        I actually have a funny outhouse story. My uncle Dave was new to the
        impoverished area, a city boy who had never experienced outdoor facilites.
        Upon feeling the call of nature, Dave found himself sitting on a hole about
        8 feet above the nastiness.

        Unbeknownst to Dave, a neighbor's dog had burrowed a hole in back of the
        outhouse. This dog had chosen that moment to go through the hole and fall
        in the crap.

        Dave came back in the house, white as a sheet. "I'm sorry," he said, "but
        I'm pretty sure I just took a crap on someone's dog."

        He has never recovered and is still teased at family functions.

        Deonna

        ~~~~~

        Hey Buff,
        In response to Blitzkreig......perhaps we are both off on the Fillipino
        operation....both part right, both part wrong. I read your english just
        fine....glad to have you in on the debate. Even during war time, we need
        differing views. Keep up the good work.

        Shadow


        ~~~~~

        Buff, I am a long time reader of your list, and I would like to present
        your readers with something I heard on a TV talk show the other day. They
        were talking about suicide bombers and the subsequent retaliation. The host
        mentioned that one or more countries in the Middle East is no longer
        bothered with suicide bombers. They merely identify the bomber, and then
        his entire family is systematically killed. They learn fast.

        Red Baron

        ~~~~~
        Russel Yates
        I'm a first time "sender" but a long time "reader". I was absolutely
        flabergasted to see a site listed by R. Yates containing pics of the
        family etc. And what a bigger surprise to see he wants people to
        "donate" to Andrea Yates Legal Fund!! Is this for REAL? With fewer in
        the family now, he could move back into a car ~~ lots more room now,
        huh?

        jean in florida

        ~~~~~~

        Hi Buff,
        Love the Chips! It's my "Morning Paper".
        Someone asked about anyone who had seen spirits...
        Here's a little story about why I believe in spirits. My
        Grandmother, who lived in Illinois, passed away in 1975 at the age of 96.
        When we were little kids & we would go visit her on the farm, she would
        greet
        us at the door with a big smile & fuss over us. The night she passed away,
        I
        got a strong feeling out of nowhere that she was right there in my room &
        the
        memory of all the things she used to say when she greeted us at the door
        came
        back so strong that I woke up & got out of bed to get a drink of water. I
        noticed the time on the clock by the sink. The next morning I got a call
        from my Mom, telling me that she had passed on at the exact time I got out
        of
        bed. Now, I notice that just every once in awhile, I will get some help
        with
        something that I needed help on or something will come along just in the
        nick
        of time to pull me out of a jam. One time, I was driving down the freeway
        when the persistent thought kept coming into my head telling me to put on my
        seatbelt (before seatbelt laws). I finally pulled over, dug out my
        seatbelt,
        & strapped it on. After I had turned off on the little road I travel to get
        to my town, a car passed me & later I saw that same car involved in a
        head-on
        10 miles up the road. A pickup had blown a tire coming around a corner &
        smacked the lady, who wasn't wearing her belt. She wasn't killed but that
        was enough to convince me to pay attention to those kinds of little voices.
        My wife (soon not to be) thinks those kinds of things come from the devil
        for some reason....Go figure! Yup, I believe there are watchful spirits out
        there who help you.
        Keep up the chips! They're the best


        ~~~~~
        Suegram@... writes

        I belong to an organization called AdoptSoldier (adoptsoldier@...), and
        because I've had e-mail from many of you asking for this, I wanted to share
        it with you. This is excerpted from the latest newsletter:


        We now have a contact person in Afghanistan who is willing to accept
        packages
        from us and distribute!! This is what a lot of you have been waiting for as
        these are the guys/girls on the front lines who have extremely limited
        supplies and even more limited access to just about anything. Now, the
        biggest request is for Girl Scout cookies and sweets (specially chocolate)!
        I know many of you have been collecting things to send overseas when we got
        an address. Another thing I have seen mentioned is what I think they call Do
        Rags. Which I *think* are like bandanas that they wear on their heads (they
        have elastic in them and please rememebr no wild colors as we don't want to
        make them marked men/women). So let's get these packages going and get come
        goodies to our guys/gals. I was told that OAS sent over 75 packages to the
        USS Pelelui so let's top that for our front lines!!

        MSgt Terrance D. Turner
        Operation Enduring Freedom
        823rd RED HORSE Sq.
        APO AE 09309

        What a privilege to be able to send things to these brave men and
        women!!!!!!!

        God bless you. Sue

        cCcCcCcC

        Visit the PRAYER WARRIORS site:
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        Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

        *********************************************

        Remember 9/11/01
      • B.Brabant
        Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. I guess the big event of the day is the daughter
        Message 3 of 19 , Apr 26, 2002
          Clean Clean

          Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
          name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

          I guess the big event of the day is the daughter has finally
          moved back above ground. She was getting tired of the
          basement she was living in and rented herself a little house
          about a block from our house. I'm not saying that I will keep
          a close watch on her in her new place but those line of sight
          listening devices that pick up the vibrations of the window
          glass work so well. Thanks to the people over there at
          CIA.GOV.ORG that enjoy the jokes for all those hi tech
          loaners.
          Gotta run work early in the morning.. Enjoy the chips .. buffalo




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          NASA Chips
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          When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did
          some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation.

          One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and
          came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only
          Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. "What are
          these guys in the big suits doing?"

          A member of the crew said they were practicing for their
          trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if
          he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

          Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors,
          the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man
          recorded his message, they asked the son to translate it.
          He refused.

          So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where
          the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to
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          Redhead Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy.
          One is to let her think she is having her own way,
          and the other is to let her have it.

          What do you call a Redhead with an attitude?
          Normal

          How do you get a redhead's mood to change?
          Wait 10 seconds

          How do you get a redhead to argue with you?
          Say something

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          404 Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          "404"

          It is said, "To err is human,"
          That quote from alt.times.lore,
          Alas, you have made an error,
          So I say, "404."
          Double-check your URL,
          As we all have heard before.
          You ask for an invalid filename,
          And I respond, "404."

          Perhaps you made a typo--
          Your fingers may be sore--
          But until you type it right,
          You'll only get 404.

          Maybe you followed a bad link,
          Surfing a foreign shore;
          You'll just have to tell that author
          About this 404.

          I'm just a lowly server
          (Who likes to speak in metaphor),
          So for a request that I don't know,
          I must return 404.

          Be glad I'm not an old mainframe
          That might just dump its core,
          Because then you'd get a ten-meg file
          Instead of this 404.

          I really would like to help you,
          But I don't know what you're looking for,
          And since I don't know what you want,
          I give you 404.

          Remember Poe, insane with longing
          For his tragically lost Lenore.
          Instead, you quest for files.
          Quoth the Raven, "404!"

          Anonymous

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          Ventriloquist Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


          A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink.
          The bartender says, "No way, pal. I don't think you can pay for it."

          "You're right," the guy says. "I don't have any money, but if I show you
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          "You have a deal, my friend," says the bartender.
          T
          he guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the
          hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the side of the
          bar, across the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts playing
          Gershwin music. The hamster can really play...

          "You're right... I've never seen anything like that before," says the
          bartender. "That hamster is really gifted."

          The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
          "Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?" asks the bartender.

          "Watch this," replies the guy. Again, he reaches into his coat again and
          pulls out a frog. He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog starts to
          sing. The frog has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.

          A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him
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          "It's a deal," says the guy. He takes the three hundred and gives the
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          "Are you some kind of nut?" asks the bartender. "You sold a singing frog for
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          "Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is a ventriloquist"!

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          LynnLynn's Links
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          Just as a young man was about to get a chest XRay, the equipment slipped and
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          Relation Chips From Big Al
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


          Important Rules.....

          Always remember the following when asking a man to do something:
          Make sure the man is conscious.

          Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports
          section.
          Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.

          Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that
          doesn't have a
          peel-back cover.

          Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power
          for 55
          minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.

          Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or the even more
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          Short Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          The sermon had been going on too long, and the Minister
          should have been able to see the congregation getting more
          than a little restless; he droned on none-the-less for yet
          another 15 minutes. Finally he paused and said, "What else
          can I say Brothers and Sisters?"

          "How about 'Amen' Preacher?" said a hungry soul from the
          rear of the Church.

          ~~~

          The teacher was standing outside her room as the children
          entered one morning. Along came little Maury, deliberately
          winking his left eye.
          "Why, little Maury," smiled the teacher. "Are you winking
          at me?"
          "No ma'am, just got my turn signal on," little Maury replied,
          making a neat left turn into his room.

          ~~~~



          Little Maury was telling Auntie MrsPerfesser, "Everyone in the
          Biology class voted against dissecting the frog - but we almost
          had enough votes to dissect the teacher."

          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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          Parting Chips from Big Al
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          Five years after my wife, Bridgid, and I were married, we received our final
          wedding
          gift -- an ice-cream maker. In an attempt to cover procrastination with
          humor, the
          friend who sent it included a note: "I wanted to make sure the marriage
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          Bridgid wasn't amused, but she thought the present deserved a thank-you note
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          sure the
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          Reader's Digest



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          Bonus Chip
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          My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often
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          From The Buffalos Mail Box

          Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
          ( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors stood
          around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )

          Hi Buff,
          fortunately I have only gotten two responses like the below...this was the
          most well written and cogent... I don't especially agree with what he
          says...I have heard various anthems booed including the Us anthem in
          Canada...it is unfortunate that people cannot just try to see things from
          the other side and instead have to trivialize and obfuscate.
          A good man died with some other good men...and this guy is worried about bad
          manners at a hockey game where the emotions are running high because they
          are dealing with play-off stuff here.

          I Don't think this response is typical of the response of Canadians.

          Mojo

          What a horrible loss to Canadians as a whole. Here was one person who
          defined Canadians, as our politicians never can. These are wonderful words,
          but less than a week later Americans booed our national anthem at a hockey
          game. This is one American, but after attending a hockey game in New York,
          believe me this is not a popular opinion. I left as soon as the Canadian
          National Anthem was done, though it was hard to tell with all the booing.
          Americans may say they love us and appreciate us but it's just a face. I've
          met hundreds of Americas, some of them were quite rude, the other 6 were
          wonderful people. After April 18/02 you'd think they'd at least give us a
          week of respect. We even put flags at half mast for Sept. 11, and guess
          what, we weren't even responsible for their deaths. The only thing the
          American government is worrying about is their own P.R. I heard a statement
          from George W. Bush during his campaign. When he heard the reporter say "A
          question from Canada" his response was a sneer and the reply " Canada? What
          about them". Of course it was a complete personality change when he heard it
          was words of support for his campaign. Up until then he had no problem
          sneering us on national T.V.
          Your words are wonderful, I wish I could believe you speak for millions of
          Americans, but you don't. You only speak for yourself. After leaving the
          game, I listened on the radio. I was sorry the Leafs lost. Not just because
          I wanted my team to win but because those rude, ignorant people; who spoke
          volumes for their country; deserved not just to lose but to be crushed. As a
          patriotic Canadian, and a rather emotional one right now, I will never again
          take a trip, spend a dollar towards or buy a product related to the U.S.A.
          if I have any other alternative.

          Buffalo says it is the same mentality seen in the rest of the world
          cncerning soccer with one exception. It seems that all the major
          players whether you are in Vancouver or Anaheim or Dallas or
          Boston are Canadian. Then you take a bunch of Americans,
          Russians, and other small countries and fill out the rosters. It
          would seem rather counter productive all things considered to
          boo the national anthem of the people you expect to win the
          Stanley Cup for you. hehheh I live a mile from the Canadian
          border, I work with Canadians , shop with Canadians , and
          share the roads with Canadians and unless I can see their
          liscense plates, hear them speak Italian or say eh a lot, I don't
          know what nationality anybody is and it has been that way for
          me for the past 50 years. But even more than that my Brabant
          ancestors came to Michigan from Montreal. These people are
          more than neighbors, more than friends.They are family. Its
          that way when you have two great melting pots next door to
          each other . BTW the other side of the family , the Irish
          Yugoslavian Kelley's married themselves into the Mexican
          descendent Aguilar family along time ago and I get along very
          well with our Southern neighbors too. NAFTA wasn't a
          Bush -Clinton idea, The Brabant- Kelleys have been promoting
          relationships with our neighbors for decades.


          ~~~~~

          1. The Senate recently passed S. 565, the Equal Protection Of
          Voting Rights Act. The VFW supports many of the provisions of
          this bill because a key objective of this legislation is to
          simplify and facilitate absentee voting for both uniformed
          personnel and overseas citizens. This bill would ensure better
          protection for all active duty military voters as well as for
          disabled veterans.

          Also included in the bill is a provision that the VFW strongly
          opposes. An amendment introduced by Senator Fritz Hollings
          establishes a commission to study and make recommendations
          regarding election technology, voting, and election
          administration. One of the commission's goals is to consider
          the viability of making Election Day a federal holiday. One
          way the bill suggests doing that is by moving Veterans Day to
          Election Day every four years. The VFW strongly objects to
          this proposal.

          Congress has set aside November 11 as a national holiday to pay
          tribute to our nation's veterans and to honor their bravery and
          sacrifices. While we can appreciate the important intentions
          of this proposal, allowing Veterans Day to also serve as
          Election Day would dramatically lessen the impact and
          importance of this holiday. Veterans Day should be a day for
          reflection and remembrance and not full of the multiple
          distractions that would be present were it to also serve as
          Election Day.

          S. 565 now moves to a Conference with the House. The House
          version of election reform, H.R. 3295, does not contain any
          Veterans Day provisions. During the Conference, the
          differences between the House and Senate's version must be
          resolved so one final bill can emerge.

          This is our chance to finally kill this proposal. You
          should write or call your Representatives and Senators to tell
          them to eliminate all language that suggest moving Veterans
          Day to Election Day. Remind them that earlier this year, the
          House passed H. Res. 298. This Non-binding resolution expresses
          the sense of the House that Veterans Day be kept separate from
          "any other Federal holiday or day for Federal elections."

          It is up to us to ensure that Veterans Day retain the
          importance, prominence, and true meaning it deserves.

          Gtpothier

          Buffalo says . Here's an idea Veteran's Day on Election Day
          and only Veteran's can vote.

          ~~~~~

          The Big Lug

          We were odd friends, I being about 5'4" and he towered between 6'4" and
          6'6"
          and 300 pounds. We were the odd couple in high school, but we were best
          friends.
          He would come over and spend the night and I would go to his house and do
          the same.
          We played baseball all the time. He was a powerful left-handed slugger.
          I do not remember how we met, sometime in junior high school I believe. We
          both were similar, both shy, both honest and just decent guys.
          He married his high-school sweetheart and moved from Wichita Kansas to
          Republic, Missouri. I would visit him whenever I passed through Springfield
          Missouri.
          He was an auto mechanic.
          My wife passed on in 1994, and I learned from a common friend, Ron Wiens, my
          friend for so many years had brain cancer and was not expected to live much
          longer.
          I received directions to his house and stopped by on the way from Illinois
          from another funeral. His wife told me he may not recognize me, but I had
          to see him, to say what was in my heart.
          There he was in a hospital bed in the front room. I doubt if he weighed a
          150lbs.
          When he saw me he said, "Bobby!"
          My fathers name was Bob and I grew up with the name of Bobby even though my
          legal name is just B.J.
          I responded, "Ron, how the heck are you?"
          I continued on. I knew he was a Christian, was active in his local church
          and this inspired me to say the things I did.
          "Ron, remember when we played baseball all the time?"
          "Yes", he responded with a smile.
          "Big guy when you get to the place you are heading for, get us a nice place
          to play a game and someday we will get all our old friends and have one heck
          of a game."
          Ron smiled and held my hand and with tears in his eyes, he said, "I will
          find us the best ball park to play."
          "Ron, I want you to know, that I am your friend now, back then, and in the
          future.
          I want you to know that we are best friends and I love you."
          Ron smiled weakly and responded, "Bobby you are one of my best friends."
          With tears in my eyes I left my best friend to finish his journey, the
          journey we must all make at some time in our life. I wept in my car, then
          drove the four hours back to Oklahoma City. Ron died the next week. My mom
          and dad(the one who is very sick Now) and I went to his funeral. His legacy
          is in his church where a large group of high school aged kids wore t-shirts
          with R.O.N. on the back. They were his kids, his work. I am proud of him.
          Right On Now was what R.O.N. stood for.

          B.J Cassady Guthrie, Okla

          ~~~~~

          All major roads in my fine city of Calgary have been put on notice:
          TRAVEL IS NOT RECOMMENDED

          For those who ignored the snow-covered ice, most roads now resemble 10 pin
          bowling - with 1 spare!

          Dianne


          forget 10 pin bowling...
          this is demolition derby time...
          what a mess. its not even 0800 and there is more than 200 crunchy fender
          events.
          me

          ~~~~~~


          Well, I just turned 50 on April 15. (It's a bitch being born on the most
          notorious day of the year for Americans.) The good news, as I am often
          told, is that I don't look it, and I'm doing everything within my power not
          to act it. I see that you're stretching your birthday celebration out for a
          week or two. More power to you!

          -- Kent

          ~~~~~

          I relished your mention of hullnumber.com. I found some shipmates listed
          there and hopefully we can get in touch with others.

          Are there other sites like this? I'd sure like to add my listing to any
          such sites to renew contact with long lost shipmates.

          Thanks for the heads up!

          Dave Gaskins
          Safety Harbor, Fl

          former EM2
          CVA67
          DE1084

          ~~~~~~

          VPNAVY - SELECTION SITE MAP Summary Page Hi, thought maybe you would be
          interested in this listing......Maybe you already know about the lists. My
          late husband was in VPB 133 which has a website and from that site I
          stumbled accross this one.

          http://www.vpnavy.com/webdoc20.html

          ~~~~~

          This is an excellent site to find you old buddies from the military and to
          leave messages:

          http://www.militaryconnections.com/
          --
          Don of Niagara Falls

          ~~~~~~~

          During an arctic training exercise in Alaska intense cold played havoc
          with vehicles and equipment. One harassed battery commander was
          trying to cope with vehicles that wouldn't run and machinery that
          wouldn't work. He was wondering what else could go wrong when the
          door flew open and a soldier rushed in and announced, "Hey, captain,
          the northern lights are out!

          Exasperated and without looking, the captain barked, "Well, don't tell
          me! Go get the generator mechanic and have him fix the darn things!"

          PJ Kirk


          ~~~~~

          Dear Bill,
          Hope you had a great day with your family and hope you have many more
          happy Birthdays. I still enjoy your jokes and sites and especially enjoyed
          the photo cam site that shows Mt Pleasant which is the nearest city to where
          I was born and raised at Lake, Clare Co. and Flint near to Lapeer where my
          brother and only sibling live. I sent the site to my cousin at Lake and to
          my brother. I always send them all the MI jokes and lots of Buffalo Chips
          giving Buffalo Chips credit in Subject line.
          Keep well and happy so you can keep the daily laughs coming. Again
          Hope you had a Happy Birthday and are granted many more years of Great
          health and the ability to laugh at yourself and thank you for sharing these
          moments with your many readers. Wava from Canton, OH

          ~~~

          Hey Buffalo,
          Happy, happy birthday, and congratulations and felicitations upon
          attaining the age of reason! You are a bringer of cheer and laughter and
          general good feelings. I love your sea stories --- keep 'em coming.

          Sincerely,

          Jimmie Carol Ellis, HMC, USN Retired
          in Crescent City, California where the redwoods meet the sea!

          ~~~~~

          Bufallo,

          1) Happy 50th birthday to you... (hope to reach that milestone...he he he)

          2) May you have more birthdays to come...although you did not invite me the
          last time.

          3) May peace and good health abound in your life onward
          to.........eternity??? he he he.

          4) Where's my beer??


          Blitzkrieg

          ~~~~~

          Hey Buff: 50 years old is not bad. 1952 was a good year. I was on
          a Cruiser (USS Helena), that year and we were shelling N. Korea. Lotsa
          good memories.---------Casper in Seattle


          ~~~~~~~

          Hope this finds you well and in the best of health. You are really not 50
          years old if you count the same way that I do. Subtract 21 from your age.
          That way you are celebrating the 29th anniversary of your 21st birthday.
          Works for me. This time I'll celebrate my 34th anniversary. But best of luck
          to you and yours through the coming year.

          Richard in Fla, Fl or Florida, your choice.

          ~~~~~~

          So you made the big 50. So you think it came fast blink your eyes and it
          will be 60. All I can tell you about birthdays is 61yrs ago I was born
          naked, wet and crying and it went downhill from there. Happy Birthday
          and many more. ---Dave

          ~~~

          Hello there, How are you today? Good I hope...I just wanted to wish you
          a Happy, Happy Birthday today!!! I hope you get everything you want, I
          made a little page for you, I hope you like it. And I'm sending it with
          all the love in the world. I hope you have a wonderful day and a
          beautiful tomorrow. Here's the addy for the page:)


          URL: http://members.tripod.lycos.com/~BIGFOOT38/birthday/birthdays.html


          Enjoy your day, and write me sometimes, add me to your list if you want...I
          love making new friends on the internet...Thanks for listening. Take care:)
          Love always,
          Chuckie
          Friends_4_Ever@...

          A little poem from:
          "Best Birthday," written and designed by Bobette Bryan, 2001
          ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
          I'm sending you
          some birthday cheer,
          because you're amazing.
          Incredible!
          You just keep getting better
          every year.
          ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
          And I wish I could be there
          to share your special day,
          but since I can't
          I'm sending a wish
          your way.
          ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
          Happy Birthday!
          I hope it's the best
          birthday yet,
          one that makes you howl.
          ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

          ~~~~~~~

          Where are we in this latest conflict? We haven't gotten near bin Laden,
          we've managed to kill 4 of our closest allies, it's very likely France is
          about to elect the closest thing to a dictator since Napoleon and Israel has
          gone crazy. Or have they? Israel has been fighting terrorist since at least
          1972. Anybody remember Munich? No nation has ever before threatened to
          destroy us. Israel has been threatened with distruction from the begining.
          Now the most radical threaten to destroy us too! I say bring it on! We have
          sat too long and done too little! Palestien is not a country and never has
          been. It was invented by the League of Nations and the British Empire. Iran
          & Iraq fall into the same catagorey. Anybody remember Persia and Babalyon?
          Israel has a historical right to exist and a modern right to fight for that
          existance. The Palestinians have a right to exist also. But they may have to
          learn to exist as Jordanians, Syrians, Egyptians or even Israelies. Being
          from Israel does not mean you have to be Jewish. It also doesn't mean you
          have to be Islamic, Christian, Hindi, Budest or any other religion. Human
          history has shown that you cannot impose, successfully, your religion,
          morals or form of government on others. Unfortunatly, human history has also
          shown it is possible to destroy a religion, or government that you do not
          agree with. That having been said, consider this, neither the United States
          or Israel is known for giving up or giving in. I don't think that either of
          us should at this time either. So for those terrorist and their state
          sponsers out there (and make no mistake, Yasser Arafat is a terrorist!),
          take your best shot! We will destroy you.....all at once or piece by piece!

          Jay


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          Remember 9/11/01
        • B.Brabant
          Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. No matter how good the chips are it is just not for
          Message 4 of 19 , May 3, 2002
            Clean Clean

            Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
            name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

            No matter how good the chips are it is just not for everybody.
            I understand that and have made it as easy as possible for people
            to get off the list without my help. That is better all around
            because sometimes I can get just a little bit testy and believe it or
            not, something even the long time readers may not know, I tend to
            rant occasionally. It all starts when I receive something like this:

            "how do we get you removed from our name ...we do not read your
            mail so please quit sending it..."

            My first thought is, "those poor nice people just moved here from
            outer Mongolia and accidentally hit the wrong button on the keyboard
            and now he can't get off my list." "I must help them."
            I surf over to yahoogroups and find that the subscriber has a
            Yahoo profile like Jim35 from Akron Ohio " I'm a retired brain surgeon
            whose hobby is blonde women with names" I also find out that
            Jim subscribed in Feb. 2000 at 2030 hrs. and did it via email.
            I delete Jim's name wishing that pushing the button would delete
            Jim from the planet also and write a quick note, " Jim , I have deleted
            you from my list so that I won't be associated with your name.
            I am really sorry that in two and a half years you couldn't figure out
            at least one of the two simple ways to get off the list.
            I try to be nice because after all the person did say please, right?

            Then there was Jain the student from India that got mad while he
            was talking to Yahoo's computer

            Hey william Brambhat,
            I have unsubscribe you,still you are sending me the jokes.I am fed up by
            your jokes.Please please please please please unsubscribe me from your
            jokes.I have tried for 8 times to unsubsribe.You ^^^^^^ and great
            ^^^^^^.Please unsubsribe me.please please please.You ^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^ idiot
            and all the thing. am not finding any more wored for you.please
            unsubscribe me.You are the bigger ^^^^^^^ than any body else.I am very
            very angry.
            sorry for all this. Jain

            At least it is nice to be known as great at what you do hehheh Hope you
            enjoy the chips... buffalo


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            Software Chips
            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            How To Install Software: A 12-Step Program


            1. Examine the software packaging until you
            find a little printed box that explains what
            kind of computer system you need to run the
            software. It should look something like this:

            SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS 2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER 628.8
            MEGAHERTZ MODEM 719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE 3546 MB
            RAM 432323 MB ROM 05948737 MB RPM ANTILOCK BRAKING
            SYSTEM 2 TURTLE DOVES NOTE: This software will not
            work on your computer.

            2. Open the software packaging and remove the
            manual. This will contain detailed instructions
            on installing, operating, and trouble-shooting
            the software. Throw it away.

            3. Find the actual software, which should be in
            the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette
            or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope
            that says:

            LICENSING AGREEMENT: By breaking this seal, the
            user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms
            and conditions of the following agreement that
            nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention
            and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath
            of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and
            such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary,
            as the Software Company shall deem necessary and
            appropriate, including the right to come to the
            user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as
            well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like
            it, take it or leave it, until death do us part,
            one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early
            light,...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks
            you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip
            your servers.

            4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12
            and say, "(Name of child), please install this on
            my computer."

            5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert
            the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP"
            and press the Enter key.

            6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

            7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

            8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises
            for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen:

            The Installation Program will now examine your
            system to see what would be the best way to
            render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose
            one, and be honest:
            +---+ +-----+ | YES | | SURE | +---+ +-----+

            9. After you make your selection, you will hear
            grinding and whirring for a very long time while
            the installation program does who knows what in
            there. Some installation programs can actually
            alter molecular structures, so that when they're
            done, your computer has been transformed into an
            entirely new device, such as a food processor.
            At the very least, the installation program will
            create many new directories, sub-directories,
            sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill
            them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe,"
            "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."

            10. When the installation program is finished,
            your screen should display the following message:

            CONGRATULATIONS
            The installation program cannot think of anything
            else to do to your computer and has grown bored.
            You may now attempt to run your software.

            If you experience any problems, electrical
            shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal
            discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should
            immediately swear, like this: *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&

            11. At this point your computer system should
            become less functional than the federal government,
            refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.

            12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline
            number listed on the package and wait on the line
            for a representative, who will explain to you,
            in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a
            child aged 3 through 12.

            And so that's the easy way to install software...




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            if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the
            10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry
            you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just
            shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The 2nd Man
            says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen."
            1st Man: "No it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from
            the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When
            he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building
            and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to
            the bar.
            The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but
            that must have been a one time fluke."
            1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles
            toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around
            the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow
            drinker to try it.
            2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps
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            Telemarketer Chips
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            Fun with Telemarketers...

            1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
            bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep
            it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I
            borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
            2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to
            know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to
            care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up,
            my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back
            to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.
            3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to
            spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where
            it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the
            company for as long as necessary.
            4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is
            Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a
            second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are
            you wearing?"
            5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!!
            Is this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?"
            Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she
            tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
            6. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and
            keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun
            if you can keep going until they hang up.
            7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and
            Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't
            have any friends...would you be my friend?"
            8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about
            goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
            9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but
            necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or,
            "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to
            marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give
            your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.
            10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example:
            Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." You: "Watertronics!! Hey
            I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh,
            Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's
            business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling
            to employees! Oh well, see ya."
            11. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their
            phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed
            to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell
            them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective
            method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I
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            Library Chips
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            A ten-year-old girl asked and received help from a librarian on how
            to use the card catalog. In a little while, the girl approached the
            librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila."
            "T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, as the girl thanked her and
            went back to her search.
            A short time later she came to the desk, looking quite distraught.
            "I just can't find it." she said.
            "What book are you looking for, honey?" the librarian asked.
            Replied the little girl, "Tequila Mockingbird."


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            Birthday Chips
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            Mary: "I'm going to get my husband a jacket for his birthday."

            Jill: "Sports?"

            Mary: "No."

            Jill: "Leather?"

            Mary: "No."

            Jill: "What kind, then?"

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            Heaven Chips
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            Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly
            Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our
            computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but
            you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"
            The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above
            the Rocky mountains."
            "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
            The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of
            this week 'count', St. Peter?"
            "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of
            what you're doing. The week's a freebie."
            "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a
            stud."
            "So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
            A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to
            recall
            the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" he asks.
            "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the
            Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be
            more difficult."
            "Why?" asketh the Lord.
            St. Peter answered, "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Montana."



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            Light House Chips
            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            I was in Las Vegas a short while ago, and had a very amusing experience.
            While getting gas, two young women in a convertible pulled in. They pulled
            up
            next to us and asked us where the lighthouses were.

            "Lighthouses?" I asked. "Yes lighthouses. We are new to Las Vegas and just
            can't seem to find them" The driver replied.

            Curious, and knowing that Las Vegas is no where near the ocean, I asked,
            "Why
            are you looking for lighthouses?"

            "Oh, there are so many good paying jobs for lighthouses here in the paper.
            But most want you to appear in person" the passenger answered while pointing
            to several ads.

            I stopped pumping my gas and walked over to see the ad. You can imagine
            their
            disappointment when I read the ads and explained that it was for "light
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            Parting Chips
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            Coming out of church, Mrs. Peterson asked her husband, "Do you think that
            Johnson girl is tinting her hair?"

            "I didn't even see her," admitted Mr. Peterson.

            "And that dress Mrs. Hansen was wearing," continued Mrs. Peterson, "Really,
            don't tell me you think that's the proper costume for a mother of two."

            "I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Mr. Peterson.

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            Bonus Chip
            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a Law School
            in Italy, when an Italian lawyer approached him.

            The Italian lawyer asked, "Is it true, that a person can fall down on a
            sidewalk in your county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?"

            Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started
            speaking rapidly in Italian.

            When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to move
            to America to practice law.

            "No, no," one replied. "We want to move to America to fall down on
            sidewalks."



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            From The Buffalos Mail Box

            Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
            ( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors stood
            around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )

            This is with regards to Bills message on Medicated driving, I thought most
            of the over-the-counter and prescription medicine have warning label stating
            that you are not suppose to take this kind of medicing if you are going to
            drive or operate heavy equipment, colds or allergy medicine can cause
            drowsiness, slow mental reaction and/or muscle relaxation that reduce your
            ability to react fast.

            Annelop

            Buffalo says That takes all the fun out of it. The best way is to
            give yourself 10 handicap points for each pill you take.

            ~~~~~


            Buffalo I would like to propose the following as a subject for your
            scuttlebutt:
            'CLEAN' VIDEO STORES UP AND RUNNING
            For a lot of people, it's impossible to see many Hollywood
            movies. Since Hollywood taught the world that vulgarity in
            language is a way of life -- forgetting that most Americans
            never did talk gutter talk -- much of the world thinks that
            all Americans use obscenities all the time. So, what do you
            do if you want to respect the language and raise kids who
            won't embarrass you in public? The answer: Rent a "purged"
            video. For years the airlines have shown "edited" versions
            of first-run movies, with the vulgarity either bleeped or
            re-voiced with softer words. The problem has always been,
            though, that kids can lip read. Now, according to the
            Christian Science Monitor, an enterprising company has
            opened a chain of video rental stores where "edited"
            versions of movies can be found. More than 60 Cleanflicks
            stores have opened around the country in less than two
            years. Meanwhile, some film buffs and movie experts
            condemn the idea, saying that what's left is not the
            original movie at all, but a censored version.

            Jim McQuain

            ~~~~~~

            So what is the difference between the students of yesterday
            and today that respect firearms and human life and those who
            would kill their classmates? I don't know the schools don't
            know and I doubt the psychologists know but there has to be
            some other answer than destroying all guns.
            Enjoy the chips... buffalo

            i think it all boils down to the lack of God in our society as a whole
            and in our schools in particular. I work for the Post Office where I
            live and on the Carrier section bulletin board someone had put up a page
            with a commentary from Billy Grahams wife. In it she talked all about
            how we have gradually taken God out of our lives and our schools. Then
            she points out "What else do we expect from our society and our kids
            when we tell them it's OK to have sex and then go get an abortion-you
            don't have to take responsibility for your actions. Yet our leaders at
            the State and Federal level start their sessions with benedictions from
            religious clergy? Whassup with that?! If I can find it I will send you
            the whole thing, it-IMHO-explains the root of our country's danger.

            Have a Blessed day, Buffalo.
            Mike Salter

            ~~~~~~



            Hey Buff, first of all , happy belated birthday.
            I too was raised in a small rural seting where the total enrollment in the
            highschool never saw 300. Respect for firearms was drilled into our heads
            from the time we were old enough to know what a firearm was. "Your elders"
            was of course the top of the list,(teachers would automatically go into this
            catagory) but the main ingredient here was RESPECT. I engaged in my fair
            shair of b.s. as a teen ager but in those days we had something we called
            the fist fight, the idea of using a weapon of any kind on anybody(other than
            the enemy in Vietnam) would never have occured to us. Lack of respect for
            anyone or anything is the biggest problem with todays younger generation, in
            my opinion. My own kids may not be perfect(they are mine afterall) but they
            know what respect is and aren't ashamed to show it.
            Keep up the outstanding work, the internet doesn't have nearly enough
            people like you to offset all the crazies out there. It's good to know that
            sanity isn't passe, yet.
            Keep the fires stoked and the stacks clear,
            R.D.Shepley SMF

            ~~~~~~


            I used to live with a girl who was 4'10". I always put the seat down for
            her.
            Now before you get the idea that I'm a nice guy, the reason I did this
            was that when we had a argument
            I would leave it up. Somehow the splash followed by a few choice words
            always made me feel better.

            Big Roger


            ~~~~~~

            This is for Dianne. I stand corrected as to when Winter officially begins.
            Actually my father pointed this one out to me last night. You are right, it
            starts December 21. Terribly sorry for the error.

            Also, I know perfectly well where Calgary, Alberta is. However, I was not
            aware of where you resided until further along in our correspondence.
            Perhaps things are a bit quiet out West sometimes (except for the Stampede),
            but here in Ottawa and the surrounding areas, there's always something
            happening. I did not mean to offend, was merely stating a point. I am a
            Canadian and will always stand up for my Country.

            For anyone else wanting to visit Ottawa, the next three weeks is our Tulip
            Festival. All our snow is gone, and the temperatures, well she be rising.
            Our tulips are all budded and should open any day now. So, if anyone feels
            so inclined, we'd sure like to see you.

            Thank you Mr. Buffalo for allowing me to clarify things.

            Your ever eager reader.

            Margie

            ~~~

            Hi Buffalo,

            Happy Belated Birthday. Don't worry, you're not old yet. You're still
            younger than my parents. (wink) Anyways, I thought I'd throw in my own
            story about the toilet seat being left up. I love your list and these
            discussions are what make it stand out. I'm still a technically newlywed
            (our first anniversary is June 1) and during the first few months of our
            marriage I had the argument about putting the seat down for me. My father
            always put it down, well for as long I remembered anyway. He also used his
            own bathroom off their bedroom, leaving the family bathroom to us girls (my
            sister, mother, and me). My husband came from a house full of men and his
            mother was the only female. There I suppose the toilet seat was left up and
            she just gave up or used her own bathroom. This went on and I grumbled
            about it but couldn't convince him to put it down. Even my almost falling
            in didn't change his mind. That is, until we adopted a kitten. A very
            energetic but clumsy kitten. One day my husband left the seat up and even
            worse, didn't flush immediately. While he was at the sink, the kitten comes
            running in at full speed and leaps up onto the normally closed (except when
            my husband used it) toilet seat. To his astonishment the cat falls right
            in. He jumps out and goes racing down the hallway as I'm chasing the poor
            thing trying to catch it and clean it up. (Of course I glared at my husband
            and said a few choice words too). I don't think he was very happy with
            having me hand him a wet, upset, smelly kitty to clean up. To say the least,
            the cat got his second bath in two days. Yes, we had just washed the little
            guy the night before. My husband now tries to remember to put the seat down
            and usually does.

            Amanda in Southwestern Ohio

            ~~~~~~

            Rotozip Problem Solved

            Buffalo, Been meaning to tell you...I figured out what caused the saw
            "jumping". (I feel stupid about it but thought you might be able to help
            someone else if they ever tell you their saw does it too...a couple other
            people told me theirs did it too.)
            I was using a really decrepit set of saw horses and finally broke down and
            bought a good set of ABS plastic ones that have rubber across the top.
            Evidently the old wooden saw horses wobbled under the wood causing the saw
            to jump. I guess when the instructions say, "ensure that the material to be
            cut on a stable surface", they mean it. <G>
            Hope you're having a great week..have a terrific weekend. ~~~Mynx & Crew

            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
            St. John Humane Society
            LaPlace, Louisiana
            http://www.angelfire.com/la2/pets
            http://www.yahoogroups.com/group/LouisianaPetRescue

            ~~~~~~

            Hi!
            I'm Tony Churchill,who recently wrote a letter apealing for the
            boycot of PrankPlace.com because of an item I had particular trouble
            with...A gay triangle magnet...which was being sold AS a PRANK...
            Anyway,I hadn't been able to get into the message board till
            today: Had a bit of trouble registering.I'm told you posted that
            letter,and have gotten feedback on it--both positive and negative...So
            far,I've not found that posting,but I sincerely appreciate your having
            presented it!
            ...[[Maybe that's where <richardcranium@...> got my email
            addresss,to which he sent idiotic stuff I've since forwarded to
            <president@...> just f-y-i]]...
            Anyway,I've gotten MUCH positive feedback @ my email
            address!People (from US,Canada,and UK) have been
            supportive,encouraging and helpful...VERY APPRECIATED!!!Anyone's
            welcome to write me personally,if they'd like, at
            <heyoka_e_quill@...>
            ..........Here,however,is the latest news on the issue...........
            Ken,the owner of the site,wrote me and wanted to TALK!The guy
            turns out very reasonable and pleasant!He'd heard a boycot was going
            on,and wanted my input...
            He'd honestly not considered that such offense could be taken to
            this (and a few other) item(s) he sold...nor that they could pose
            potential harm.He,himself,is NOT a bigot AT ALL!It became evident he'd
            been ill-advised on such issues,and had merely found a few items "that
            would sell"...Well...
            After DISCUSSION,he agreed with their potential for offense and
            harm...and was VERY apologetic...to me,and to the entire gay
            community...for not having realized these things before...He by NO
            MEANS meant offense nor harm,and wanted me to pass all this
            along...AND to inform those concerned,that he is taking these items
            OFF his saleslists.(Sent 100 of them to me FREE)...
            It's encouraging to know:
            *That one voice DOES get heard,
            * " " " CAN make a difference,
            *That discussions CAN be productive,
            *That some people are willing to HAVE such talks,and
            *That there ARE some people "out there" who care/act/support like
            you and those who've written me!!!
            I've been conversing some with BK (@WeirdWorld),and he says you
            and he will post that the boycot's off.Again,I just got on here
            today,so if you've already done so,THANKS!(Just haven't found it yet
            maybe)...
            Sincerely,
            Tony Churchill
            a-k-a Heyoka E.Quill (H=)

            ~~~~~~

            Hi Bill!
            Reading the letter about 1953 made me think back to my childhood in
            the '60's. We got to do most of the things mentioned in the '53 letter,
            but I was thinking of bicycles. If my bike needed anything done to it
            Dad would be fixing it on the sidewalk in front of the house. Before
            too long there would be a line of kids with bikes waiting for their
            "service call". He would often spend the entire morning fixing the
            whole neighborhood's bikes when all he had started out to do was maybe
            work on his lawnmower! He always fussed about it, but I know he felt
            good about helping the kids with their bikes.
            On hunting, I can't kill them myself, but If I HAD to it would be a
            different story. I can enjoy the beauty of a deer bounding through the
            woods and still enjoy the taste of venison (when a friend gifts me
            some!) Deer are certainly not an endangered species. In some areas they
            are an awful nuisance and as you stated, a traffic hazard as well.
            There are deer near here that we watch and we can tell when the year is
            lean or good just by how they look. Deer that are too thin are not
            happy deer, so culling the herds out IS really better for all of them.
            Have you started to settle into your new age bracket yet? Happy
            late birthday! It really doesn't hurt a bit, does it? Age is a state
            of mind. Take care and keep the chips flying!
            TC R

            Buffalo says acting like I am 11 and feeling like I'm 71 hehheh
            To me age is a state of disrepair



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