For Sat Happy Ground Hogs Day
- Clean Clean
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
All Right!!! Who sent winter back up here?? I woke up
this morning all set to go pick up my check and pay
some bills and instead found snow everywhere. There
was close to a foot on the yard side of the car and sidewalk
and on the street side, where the plow had been through,
the snow was up to my door handles. After cursing the plow
driver and all his ancestors , I fired up the snowblower which
started on the fourth pull, just as I was ready to go get the
extension cord. Forty- five minutes later I had carved out a
space around the car and as I fired it up I saw the plow
coming back up the street again. I was dressed in snow
covered Carhartt Arctic gear and gave my best " Don't mess
with the Great White Buffalo" look to the driver. It must have
had an impact because he never returned to do my side of
the street again.
Picked up the daughter, stopped at work for my paycheck,
and after I figured I'd better stop by the ISP and pay for this
month after I had riled them up this week. As I pulled up to the
unplowed curb and got out a Jeep Cherokee pulled up behind
me and stopped. A young National Guardsman got out and asked
me if I was stuck . I thanked him for stopping and explained I was
only paying bills and he drove off . That is not uncommon courtesy
in the Great White North during a snowstorm, it is common courtesy
and I am glad to see it is something that has not been forgotten.
Enjoy the chips and daughter turns 21 at midnight Saturday..
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Dear Buffalo: Now I am also hooked on your 'adult list'. Hmmmmmmm
Here is something for your 'clean' list.
HAZARDS TO HUMANS AND DOMESTIC ANIMALS - CAUTION: May be harmful if swolled.
Avoid breathing dust. Avoid contact with eyes, skin or clothing. Wash
throughly after handling.
USERS SAFETY REQUIREMENTS: Wear long sleeve shirt, long pants, shoes plus
socks, and household latex or rubber gloves when applying this product.
Change clothing as soon as possible after use, wash clothing before reuse.
Wash the outside of gloves before removing. As with any pesticide product.
Wash hands throughly with soap and water immediately after handling and
before eating, smoking, or using the toilet.
FIRST AID: IF ENHALED, remove individual to fresh air. If not breathing,
give artifical respiration, preferably mouth to mouth. Get medical
(What is this terrible product? Flea powder, safe?? for use on puppies and
kittens 12 weeks of age or older.
From Online Prescriptions to Sports Medicine
Medications prescribed by online doctors such as
Viagra, Propecia, RetinA, Xenical, Claritin, Vaniqua,
and Renova combined with a wide variety of Herbal
and Vitamin Products . You will be surprised at the
variety of products available on one site. I found the
site while looking for an Abtronic belt so I could
help reduce some of the overhang I am getting sitting
at the computer for hours each day and found their
prices better than the infomercials. Go Take a Look
AOL Link </a>
Wash The Blues Away
True Love Expressed... She 'Misses' Him
Atheletic Chips From samuel
Athletes As Role Models
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming
season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards,whichever comes
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody
in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm
going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up
alphabetically by height." And "You guys pair up in groups of three,
then line up in a circle."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a
color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget
how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his
visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs
that we went to."
Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every
level, except college and pro."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of
heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in
the morning regardless of what time it is."
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27
record in 1992: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As
general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to
Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's
expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints General Manager, when asked after a
loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on
lousy no good officiating."
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed
to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker."
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John
Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he
told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me
like you're spending too much time on one subject."
And the Gem: Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why
he takes his wife on all road trips, Phillips responded: "Because
she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye..."
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Coffee Chips From Dick Anderson
Two clergy persons are on an airplane, a Catholic priest and a Mormon
bishop. After a while, the priest turns to the bishop and asks, "Is it
still a requirement of your faith that you are not to drink coffee?" The
Mormon bishop responds, "Yes that is still one of our beliefs." The
Catholic priest then asks, "Have you ever had a cup of coffee?" "Yes," says
the Mormon bishop, "I have to admit on one occasion, I did succumb to
temptation and tried a cup of coffee." The Catholic priest nods in
understanding and goes on with his reading.
A while later, the Mormon bishop speaks up and asks, "Father, is it still a
requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The Catholic priest
replies, "Yes, that is still one of our vows." The Mormon bishop then asks,
"Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The Catholic
priest replied, "Yes, Bishop, on one occasion, I was weak and broke my vow."
The Mormon bishop nodded understandingly for a moment.
A few minutes later he smiled, looked at the Catholic priest and then
said, "A lot better than coffee, isn't it?"
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Presidential Chips From Jack Cook
A man in a hot-air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted: "Excuse me, can
you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't
know where I am."
The woman below replied: "You are in a hot-air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and fact is I
am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded: "You must be George W. Bush."
"I am," replied to balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect
people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly
the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my
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Another leg-pull makes the rounds: PETA dresses deer in orange
hunters' vests. (9 January 2002)
Has Osama bin Laden been spotted in Utah? (8 January
Miss Shunate Field, pin up girl, anybody know her?
To Where You Are
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For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and
too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real
reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do
the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal
government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are
in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State
and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving
1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in
That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
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Response Chips From Cindi
Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective
ambulance team's response times.
"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged the
first one, "we cut our emergency response time by ten percent."
The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad," the second
paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns,
we've cut our average ERT by 20 percent."
Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the
third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed
the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"
YOU'RE BEING WATCHED!!!
Your Internet activities are being recorded. Every
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every website is recorded in a secret file in Windows.
Every website you've visited is added to your drop
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PROTECT YOURSELF WITH INTERNET ERASER!!
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protects your privacy...
Coffee Chips From Pam Butler
You know you're drinking too much coffee when...
you answer the door before people knock.
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
you ski uphill.
you grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
you haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
you lick your coffeepot clean.
your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
you chew on other people's fingernails.
your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's
you can type 60 words per minute ... with your feet.
you can jump-start your car without cables.
all your kids are named "Joe."
you don't need a hammer to pound nails.
your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
you don't sweat, you percolate.
you buy Half & Half by the barrel.
you've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
you forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
you've built a miniature city out of little plastic
people get dizzy just watching you.
you've worn the finish off your coffee table.
the Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
your taste buds are so numb you could drink your
instant coffee takes too long.
your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
you're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean
you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
you short out motion detectors.
you don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
you think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
you don't tan, you roast.
you can't even remember your second cup.
you help your dog chase its tail.
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From The Buffalos Mail Box
Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors stood
around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )
It's me again, and when I read what BJ wrote about his Mom, I just had to
write. I am sure his Mom is everything he wrote about, but we both know
our Mom only raised one pure angel. Look it up, Catherine means
Our Mom is truly a WOMAN OF THE CENTURY.
I know raising me was easy, but the other 9 of y'all was truly a real
challenge, just look at everything she has managed.
Our Mother has shaped the ideals of 10 children,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,10
children, if anyone told me I was destined to bear,
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh BEAR, I would have died at the thought. But she
raised us all equally, knowing she loved me the best, and treated y'all just
Ten kids give you more than gray hair and ulcers............ just try to
imagine your 0ne or two kids multiplied.
I know I have to call her OUR MOTHER, but down here in Texas all by myself,
I think of her as MY MOTHER. I always believed she loved me the BEST until
Christmas and she sent a loving card and present and said To my Best
Child,,,,,,,,,,,, and tell your wife I love her too. Now, that was really
cold, how did my sweet, wonderful Mother do that to me. Haaaaaaaaaaaaa I
love Her the Best!!!!!!!!!!
My only wish for years now, is that I can be at least as good as my Mom, I
know I could never be better. She is truly the BEST.
Even Mike Tyson can'f be better than the BEST.
What this all comes down to is that My MOM went into a marriage and
children, and tried to do her BEST and what she did was beyond job
I wanted to write to Paul Harvey, to let the world know how great my Mother
is, but I think my brother, Buffalo is the next Paul Harvey of the world.
I love you Buffalo, and I love you Mom.
I still love you the best, you know that, even if Jerry is your best child
You listed a story on Friday 1/18 about the Seven Wonders. It's not
often that I read something that makes me sit back in my chair and go,
"Wow!" That story was one of them. Thank you for printing it.
Buffalo says Our Pleasure
My dear internet friends - I received this e-mail today and immediately
recognized it as e-mail fraud, and internet scam. I have reported same to
the Internet Fraud Complaint Center, FBI, Tampa, Florida, and to my local
If you receive such an e-mail, I urge you to report it to your local law
enforcement agencies, newspapers (for publication), and your local office of
the FBI. JUST BEWARE, and BE AWARE, and BE ALERT!!! Don't just ignore it by
Joan , aka Rosie
A Business Proposition
DATE; 29 JAN ,2002
PROPOSAL FOR TRANSFER OF FOURTEEN MILLION TWO HUNDRED
THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS (US$14.2M) INTO
Your contact address got to me through export
promotions council here in Republic of Liberia, Your
reliability and trustworthiness in business
transaction was the main conviction the compelled me
to solicit for your support in this deal. I am
MICHEAL JOHNSON the Honourable Minister of Labour,
Monrovia, Liberia and member of the Contract
In collaboration with my colleagues, we have agreed
to transfer out of the Country through our Apex Bank,
National Bank of Liberia,some amount which we will
later re-invest overseas after the success of this
transaction. The amount involved is Fourteen Million
Two hundred thousand US Dollars(US$14,200,000.00).
This is as a result of over inflated amount of
Contract Payment Awarded to some Canadian foreign
contractors, for the reconstruction of damaged
government properties during the Liberia civil War
3yrs ago. And the original contractors has collected
there full and final Payment in american dollars,
we now need a Foreign firm that will represent us
and present itself as the contractor /Beneficiary for
this amount of fourteen Million, two hundred thousand
US Dollars. (US$14,200,000.00)since the government
code of conduct does not permit us (civil servants)
still under the service of our government to operate
foreign accounts outside the country. Hence, we
solicit your assistance to provide us with safe and
reliable account where this fund will be lodge.
Since, the present political/economic situations of
our country after the seven (7)years Civil War is not
encouraging for any investment now, we do not want to
misuse this lifetime opportunity after all we have
lost during the bloody Civil War.
Therefore, I ,micheal johnson have been mandated by
my colleagues to
contact you and handle thesuccess/completion of the
You will however, be required to furnish us with
these necessary information. to enable us process the
approval of the wire transfer to your account.
1.Your Personal Phone and Fax number for
2.Name and address of your Bank, Phone andFax
3.Your account and Routing numbers where this money
will be lodged into and the Beneficiary's name. It
could be personal or Corporate account.
These information will enable us put Application of
Claims for the release of this money from concerned
Government Agencies and it will be concluded withinthe
shortest period of time.
For your assistance, we have agreed that the fund
willbe shared as follows:
You as the account owner 20% ,
Miscellaneous expenses5% ,
Officials Involved 75%
Now, we assure you that all arrangements have been
concluded and put under control for the success of
this transaction, so if you are interested,reply us
through Email .
Dear Internet Friends I hope by now you will have had time and taken the
time to read an e-mail I wrote and sent you between 4 and 4:30 AM on today's
date. It's Subject is either: Beware - Alert, or Very Important.
In order to confirm that this was not a hoax, I returned an e-mail to the
individual in question with a non-committal response. I have already
received another e-mail from this person, urging me to give my phone and fax
number so that he might get in touch with me with further instructions.
This kind of thing is just what we read about from time to time in our local
newspapers..........a scam to rip off monies from unsuspecting persons,
looking to obtain a large sum of money with no effort.
Please remember - if you do reeive such an e-mail, please forward it to your
AOL fraud e-mail address, TOSEMail1, and for SW Floridians, send it to
ifcc.tp@.... (This is the e-mail address for the Tampa Regional Office
of the F.B.I.) Be sure to give them your name and mailing address, and
include your phone number, in case they need to reach you.
Walker was picked up without his passport which he claimed was lost...
Rather than having brought John Walker Lindh back to the United States for a
trial which at the very least will gather the US bad press around the world,
and may not result in convictions, the US should have released John in
Afghanistan --after revoking his citizenship.
Revocation of citizenship is an administrative action; true, it can be
reviewed by the courts, but it is much harder to have it restored when you
are out of the country than it is to keep it when you are in the US and
serving in a non-US military force is a principle grounds for revocation.
If John wants to join his perfect Islamist brothers, drop him off in an area
the Taleban still controls... Wash our hands of the problem, they'll sort
BTW, prisoners in Mazir-i-Sharif are asking to be transferred to Gitmo; and,
prisoners in Gitmo are being treated better than prisoners in our penal
"colonies" --none of the al-Qaeda/Taleban are subject to rape, AIDS, etc..
The 3 Brits being held in Gitmo probably do not wish to return to Britain as
they might end up in Dartmoor with the dregs.
I would like to address Ganny in this response. Sir, you misinterrupted
what I am saying. Sir, I believe in the judicial system and stand up for the
right to a fair trial, and the presumtion of innocence before trial. That's
one of our basic rights as Americans. But, one may wonder if Mr. Walker IS
an American. All new citizens to the U.S., must swear to defend our nation
and never bear arms against it. I'm not sure Ganny, but I don't think Mr.
Walker was being trained at an al-Qaida camp to become a scout master. What,
sir would he gain from this knowledge? Only one thing I think.
The mistake has already been made, when they took him captive, pardon me,
detained him, instead of being blown to bits with his comrades. Now you see,
you and I will have to pay our tax-dollars for his defense, security, which
is already in the millions, plus pay for what is no doubt going to be a long
trial, millions more, appeals, millions more, and if found guilty, keeping
him away from all other prisoners, to keep them from killing him, feed and
clothe him, providing him with TV, and probably cable with HBO, a luxury
many people are unable to afford.
Yes, Ganny, I say kill him, but it should have been done in Afghanistan.
It would have saved all concerned a great deal of money and time of
wondering his demise.
Truly a Concened American,
Buffalo, thanks for having an open forum.
Now normally I would only forward this url to those of my friends who live
in the U.S. or have family there...in this case it goes to everyone. This
legislation can intimately affect Canada's Arctic ecosystem because, face
it, nature doesn't recognize political borders. You can have your name
listed on the e-published petition listed as Anonymous
Preserve the Arctic National Wildlife Petition:
You know, Buffalo, I was raised by the "old book" and I got smacked (not
beaten, mind you) but smacked if I misbehaved. I did the same with my boy &
girl. We were not ashamed to ever take them any place as they always
behaved. When I was very young and still a kid, I was polite to neighbors,
teachers, family, friends and fearful that if I did step out of line that I
would be in big trouble at home. I think that people should mind their own
business if they see a parent "spank" their child in public as this is not
child abuse. What do I now think of Dr. Spock? I think that some parents
need to use the book and smack the kid with it! Kids now days are not
afraid of anyone, including parents, teachers, police and the worst part of
it is is that most of the above mentioned are afraid of the kids! What kind
of a world are we living in? I think that in our quest to give the kids !
better than we had, we are giving the kids too much too soon. They have
grown selfish, lazy and bored. I had an uncle who used to tell me that
anyone who was "bored' must be "boring" Very true.
The Vernor's Lady - olmndjy
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Consultation with a board certified physician is always free.
<a href="http://www.buffalosjokes.com/eprescribe.htm"> AOL Link
Parting Chips from Brenda
While driving through Buffalo after a heavy snow storm, a
motorist noted a cop, apparently waist deep in snow, directing
traffic. Feeling sorry for him, the motorist called out "I'm
sorry you have to work half buried in the snow."
The cop called back "Don't feel sorry for me, feel sorry for
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Bonus Chip From Jack
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They
were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died
before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the
American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and
nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a
beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing
at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were
all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could
return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the
$50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the
price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay."
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Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean