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  • buffalos3@webtv.net
    Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Some random thoughts from a buffalo Pulled into my
    Message 1 of 42 , Dec 2, 2001
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      Clean Clean


      Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
      name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

      Some random thoughts from a buffalo

      Pulled into my favorite Marathon Station yesterday which has always
      been Full Service at Self Service prices. Big oops noticed sign as I
      was leaving 1.35 a gallon for premium guess I'll have to pump my own
      gas , 20 cents a gallon is a bit high for the convenience although
      the
      people deserve it in the cold.

      Went to Wal-mart yesterday and got lost in the store buying a
      artificial
      tree. I want to see if the cats will leave it alone and also reduce
      the fire
      hazard of a real tree. As I left had to jam bills into the Salvation
      Army
      pot .. Great to see people are helping them out.

      A few comments on the Red Cross although they are not as efficient as
      some charities , I would hate to see anything we say here harm their
      blood collecting efforts. Even at a 1000 dollars a pint blood would
      be
      cheap when you need it and there are so many communities that rely on
      them for their blood supply. Maybe now that they are in the public
      eye
      a little more , they will take the steps necessary to grow and earn
      back
      our trust. They do have the infrastructure in place and the
      organizational
      skills necessary to help out in emergencies but they really need to
      work
      on their image. I think many have had their eyes open to that fact
      in the
      past few months and they have to do something now and I think that
      offering people their money back was not a really good idea on their
      part but I am at a loss to come up with a way to spend it so as to
      redeem themselves. No one expected the kind of response that Americans
      and the World in general would have to the WTC tragedy.

      Why is it when they show the closing bell on Wall Street everyone is
      clapping and shaking hands whether the market gained 50 points or
      lost 300??

      I am rambling now so enjoy the chips and I am going to watch the
      Lions
      beat the Bears in a couple of hours.. Have a great weekend.. buffalo



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      AAADD Chips from Squirrel Bait
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      I got this today from an old classmate, and since we're within
      a "Certain Age Range", I'm passing it on to you so you can watch for
      similar symptoms.

      "I've recently been diagnosed with AAADD....that's Age Activated
      Attention Deficit Disorder!!

      This is how it goes....

      I decide to change the oil in the car. I start to the garage, and
      notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to work on the car...BUT
      FIRST I'm going to go through the mail. So, I lay down the car keys
      on the desk.

      After discarding the junk mail, I notice the waste can is full. OK,
      I'll just put the bills on the desk....BUT FIRST I'll take the trash
      out to the trash can, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox,
      I'll address a few bills.....yes, now where is my checkbook?

      Ooops! There's only one check left. Where did I put those extra
      checks? Oh, there's my empty cup from last night on the desk! I'm
      going to look for those checks....BUT FIRST I need to put the cup
      back in the kitchen.

      I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need
      a drink of water, so I put the cup on the counter and....there's my
      extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter!!! What are they doing
      here? I'll just put them away....BUT FIRST, I need to water those
      flowers.

      I head for the door, and ......Aaaaaagh! Someone left the TV remote
      in the wrong spot! OK, I'll put the remote away and water the
      flowers....BUT FIRST, I need those checks....

      By the end of the day, the oil in the car has not been changed, the
      bills are still unpaid, the cup is still in the sink, the checkbook
      still has only one check left, and ....I'VE LOST MY CAR KEYS!!!!
      And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm
      utterly baffled, because.....I KNOW I WAS BUSY THE ENTIRE DAY!!!!!

      I realize this condition is serious....I need to get help....BUT
      FIRST, I think I'll check my e-mail!! (By the way, my doctor told me
      that this disease is highly contagious, and that it can be
      transmitted by e-mail!) So, if you want to avoid AAADD, don't read
      this e-mail!!!! (I should've put that warning at the beginning of
      the message, but I got distracted...sorry about that....you see I've
      not been myself.)

      If you're the one who sent this to me, again, I'm sorry....LOL


      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      Toon Chips
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      Where's My FILM???
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      She must learn to read lips
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      Phone Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice
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      "How'd you know I was at Wal-mart?"


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      Psych Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave
      to Me (and then took it all away).




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      Blonde Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that
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      Italy Trip Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the
      trip to the barber, who responded, "Why would anyone want to go
      there?
      It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to
      Rome.
      So, how are you getting there?"
      "We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
      "TWA!" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their
      planes are
      old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So,
      where are you staying in Rome?"
      "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
      "That dump! That's the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the
      service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you
      get
      there?"
      "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
      "That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people
      trying
      to see him. He'll look like the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on
      this
      lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it!"

      A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The
      barber
      asked him about his trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the
      man,
      "Not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it
      was
      overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine
      were
      wonderful and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited
      on me
      hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They'd just
      finished a
      $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the
      city.
      They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the
      presidential suite at no extra charge!"
      "Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."
      "Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
      guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to
      meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his
      private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure
      enough,
      five minutes later, the pope walked in. As I knelt down as he spoke
      a
      few words to me."
      "What'd he say?" asked the barber. He said, "Where'd you get the
      crappy
      haircut?"


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      Balance Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six
      days.
      Eventually, Michael, the archangel found him, resting on the seventh
      day.
      He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
      God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards
      through
      the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made."
      Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a
      planet,"
      replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and
      it's
      going to be a great place of balance."
      "Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.
      God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example,
      northern
      Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern
      Europe
      is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.
      Over
      there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a
      continent
      of black people."
      God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be
      extremely
      hot and arid.
      The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land
      mass
      and said, "What's that one?"
      "Ah," said God. "That's Texas, the most glorious place on Earth.
      There are
      beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling plains. The
      people
      from Texas are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they
      are
      going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely
      sociable,
      hardworking, and high-achieving, and they will be known all
      throughout the
      world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
      Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What
      about
      balance, God? You said there would be balance!"
      God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the crazy bunch I'm putting
      next to
      them in Louisiana...


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      From The Buffalos Mail Box

      Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
      ( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors
      stood
      around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )




      Would have sent this to the Chips folks but didn't have their
      address.
      please forward for me:

      Taken from "Chips"

      "OOPS
      Then- Rifles were made of wood and steel, shot a 7.62 caliber bullet
      that killed the enemy.
      Now- Rifles are made of plastic and aluminum, shoot a .22 caliber
      bullet that wounds the enemy.

      When we were using rifles made of wood and steel they were 30
      caliber, NOT 7.62 (witch BTW is MM not caliber, and is what the M-16
      uses now)

      7.62 mm = .223 caliber with such high velocity that what would have
      been just a wound is now a fatal hit caused by the trauma when it
      hits its target.

      Ken
      SSG (ret)"

      Sorry guys, as I'm sure someone has pointed out by now, SSG Ken was
      only
      partially correct.

      "When we were using rifles made of wood and steel they were 30
      caliber" True. The last all steel and wood rifle was the M-1 Garand
      in cal
      30-06. The next issue rifle (the M-14 had a plastic or fiberglass
      upper
      hand guard).

      "NOT 7.62 (witch BTW is MM not caliber, and is what the M-16
      uses now)" Not true. 7.62 is a cal measured in millimeters (European
      unit
      of measure). The M-16 is not 7.62mm. The 7.62mm is equivalent to the
      US
      .308 Winchester round. The last standard issue US rifle chambered
      for this
      round was the M-14. M-16 is 5.56 mm (the equalivent of the US .223
      cal
      ammo).

      "7.62 mm = .223 caliber with such high velocity that what would have
      been just a wound is now a fatal hit caused by the trauma when it
      hits its target." See above (7.62mm = 308 cal). The .223 cal is
      5.56 mm.
      As far as the leathality of the two rounds; I'll leave that to the
      folks
      that play with ballistics.

      Brian C. Ragland
      LTC, USA ret
      http://www.geocities.com/raglandbrian

      ~~~~

      Dear Buffalo,
      not to try and correct you, BUT the M-1Garand was chambered in 30-06
      and not
      30 Caliber. The .30 cal is a completely different round, just as
      the .30
      carbine is a completely different rifle. The M60 shoots a 7.62mm or
      a .308
      caliber. Also, the .308 or 7.62mm is larger than the .30 Caliber.

      Sorry,

      Andy G

      Buffalo says 7.62 mm x .03937= .2999994 caliber where did they get
      the extra .0080006 to make it a .308


      ~~~~~

      Subject
      You are correct about 30 Cal=7.62mm and .223 "cal"=5.56mm

      Buffalo,

      You are correct.

      Kennon

      ~~~~

      Hi, Buffalo,
      Just a minor point.
      7.62mm is .3000 inch, or .30 caliber.
      5.56mm is .2189 inch, or about .22 caliber, rounded.
      If memory serves (they say the memory is the 2nd thing to go), the US
      military made the switch from .30 caliber to 7.62mm because 7.62 was
      the NATO standard, reflecting Europe's use of the metric system. The
      civilian version of the military 7.62mm is the .308 Winchester.
      Chips are always a great way to start the day!

      John Ross
      Whitefish Bay, WI


      The metric system never really caught on here in the States-unless
      you count the increasing popularity of the 9mm bullet.


      Buffalo Says 9mm = .35433 caliber or almost a .357 caliber but
      smaller than a .38 caliber and since no one has 11.176 mm I guess
      Dirty Harry's .44 has them all beat. heh heh

      ~~~~~


      Buffalo.

      I'm glad you have the snow and not us. I still wore a sweatshirt
      jacket
      outside today and was warm enough, although after our wonderful fall
      weather we are already complaining. (Last year by this time we have
      lots
      and lots of snow and cold so we really are thankful this year.)
      Flowers
      outside my mother's apartment are still blooming.

      About the gas prices...$1.03 today in Monticello, IA . . .the man from
      Alaska said most have a barrel and pay $1.60 to have it filled rather
      than $1.96 at the pump. Just want to tell him FYI that we live on a
      farm. Years ago we always had a barrel for the tractor gas and
      another
      barrel for the car gas. (No state tax on tractor gas.) It used to be
      the gas was much cheaper when bought in 500 or 1000 gallon drops than
      at
      the pump in town. The past few years we had to pay extra to have
      it
      delivered on the farm no matter how much we bought at one time so now
      buy
      all ours at the pump.

      The "Patriot Son" poem was terrific, as was the letter from the
      commander
      of the ship, as are all the letters from B.J.Cassady . . . and all the
      other peope who write in. Keep up the good work. You still have the
      best on the net!

      Just have one other comment. As to sending packages, cards and
      letters
      to the servicemen . . . I think this year year they frown on that
      because
      of worrying that it could contain something sent by terrorists. I'm
      sure e-mails would be welcome, though.

      Mitzi

      ~~~~~

      Perfection

      I am that which can not be,
      What you try to achieve is me.
      But lo' though ancient valleys untold,
      lies the mysteries of the very old.
      So listen to me, you who would,
      to the stories of those who
      thought they could.
      Fall not upon the ground of sod,
      where others who failed have trod.
      Stay away from one such as I
      To reach me is like reaching for the sky.
      A paradox for all mankind,
      To try and fail is justice in its kind.
      For God in his wisdom did just,
      Realize that man's ability is to trust.
      Not in the perfection he tries to obtain.
      but to realize in failure he has gained.
      Possible to belive
      impossible to achieve.

      B. J. Cassady
      summer of '99
      Copyright ©2001 B.J. Cassady

      ~~~~

      Hello Again !!
      I was just watching our local news and they said that
      the M&M Mars candy company has come out with new
      packing that includes the Red Cross on the package !
      They are now going to blatantly sponsor them thieves!!
      I just wrote them a letter telling them I will no
      longer buy any product they make and asked if they
      checked out the charities that they donate to, if they
      did they surely would NOT have given to them ! Thanks
      for letting me get this off my chest, once again. I
      now have to send out a bunch of e-mails to everyone I
      know and try to get them to NOT buy anything from
      them!!Love your list, it is the only one that I read
      all the way through !

      Debbie
      Gloucester, Mass.


      ~~~
      and later


      Here's a copy of the letter I sent M&M

      From: "The M&M'S(R) Team" <feedback@...> To: <dbie1> Subject:
      Your Complaint to M&Ms® Brand has been received Date: Thu, 29 Nov
      2001 09:37:51 -0800 Thanks for your Complaint on M&Ms®. We apologize
      about your issue: other.
      These issues are very important to us and we will response personally
      within 2 business days.


      Sincerely, The M&Ms® Team Here is a copy of your letter for reference:

      ===================================

      November 29, 2001 TO:
      The M&Ms(R) Team M&Ms
      800 High Street Hackettstown, NJ 07840 FROM:
      dbie1@... RE: Your M&Ms Reference # is 1149201 I have a
      complaint to M&Ms® that I would like to pass along. A recent
      experience with M&Ms® left me furious.

      Here are the details: I will NO LONGER be able to buy M&M's or Mars
      products anymore because of the Red Cross endorsement. They made my
      Dad and every servicemen pay for anything they got while in battle!!
      The Red Cross would be at the pay line and the servicemen HAD to
      give!! They also took money from my daughters house fire fund !!
      Not to mention, my sister was in the 2 gallon club or whatever they
      call it when you give blood, when she needed blood THEY CHARGED
      HER!! Also, where has all the money gone from
      9/11 !! I can not sponser a CHARITY ORGANIZATION, that pays there
      CEO more money than the president of the US !! There have been many
      news reports of funds being misappropiated ! Don't you people check
      out these charity's BEFORE you give?? If so, I don't think you would
      of done that, you would have found a more suitable charity that DOES
      actually help people and don't charge for it! I'm sure I'm not going
      to be the only person to write you about this.

      Here's what I'd like M&Ms® to do: FIND A CHARITY THAT HELPS
      PEOPLE!!!!!!

      I hope you value customer feedback and I appreciate this chance to
      express my concern to you.


      ===================================

      Note: This is a system-generated email. Please do not respond.


      ~~~~

      Hi Buffalo,

      I don't care what anyone says, no organization does more with less
      for people
      that need it the most, than the Salavation Army.

      Frank Perry
      Tucson, AZ

      ***********

      Taliban Chips

      A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they
      hear a
      voice call from behind a sand dune. "One U S Special Forces soldier
      is
      better than ten Taliban."

      The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the
      dune
      whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then
      silence.

      The voice then calls out "One U S Special Forces soldier is better
      than one
      hundred Taliban."

      Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over
      the dune
      and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle,
      again
      silence.

      The American voice calls out again "One U S Special Forces soldier is
      better
      than one thousand Taliban."

      The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends
      them
      across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machineguns ring out as a huge
      battle
      is fought. Then silence.

      Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and
      with his
      dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a
      trap.
      There's actually two of them."

      ~~~~

      Buffalo -

      It's my assumption that some of the reason for the great differences
      in
      gas prices - other than the location locally of the station - is the
      amount of taxes collected on fuel by the various states.

      I do know that in GA here, we enjoy the lowest state taxes in the US.
      And we therefore have some of the lowest gasoline prices... I filled
      my
      tank today with 87 cent gas. There is one area in the state which is
      having a gas war, and they are selling it for 24 cents ! But that's
      not
      the norm.

      Ganny

      ~~~~~

      "REMEMBER 9/11/01"
      hey bill
      i hear u about your snow blower
      things arent that bad yet in rhode island it has been quite nice
      lately actually
      but i did want to tell u that we are paying on the average of $ 1.15
      for the cheap stuff
      $ 1.29 for the good stuff
      $ 1.33 for the gr8 stuff
      keep up the good work i love the chips u send everyday
      Bob
      ~~~~~


      Buffalo,

      Not to be picky or anything, but... In the "God Bless Kentucky Girls"
      joke,
      the Kentucky girl would never have said to the other girl, "So,
      where y'all from?" I know this for certain, being a Kentucky girl
      since
      birth. The colloquialism "y'all" is never used when referring to one
      person. This is purely a term for two or more people.

      Still a funny joke, though.

      Anyway, hope you have a wonderful holiday season full of love and
      light.
      Merry Christmas, y'all!

      Deonna Turner

      ~~~

      In response to the letter from Tony LaBell;
      I too live in the San Francisco bay area, less than 15 miles from
      those
      3 major oil refineries, and all I can say is that in this wonderful
      land
      of reverse economics, things get cheaper the FURTHER you have to truck
      them. Scott Zygutis

      ~~~

      Hi Buffalo,

      Love the Chips, keep them coming. Just wanted to let you know that
      the price of gas in the Eugene, Oregon area has FINALLY dropped to
      $1.149 per gallon. This is a very nice change from the $1.80 per
      gallon that we were paying before. Thanks.

      MsDiane97478

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Napster is pretty much dead, right? WRONG!! We polled over 10,000
      Internet users and asked them, "if they could have Napster back the
      way it was, would you pay a small monthly fee to use that service?"
      93% of the people polled said "YES!" Well guess what? What if we told
      you that for a mere $3.95/month fee, there was an exclusive club that
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      ability to download as many songs you want - no limits!

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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Parting Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      An out-of-work comic ordered a cup of coffee at a seedy
      restaurant and spotted a long time rival busing dishes. "My
      God!" he said, "What's a comic of your talent doing here?"

      "As bad as things seem, I'm still better off than you."
      replied the older comic/now busboy.

      "How in the world do you figure that?" asked the first man.

      "Well, for one thing, at least I don't eat here."



      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

      *********************************************

      Distributors Wanted For A Great Product Owner reports multiple
      sales to some customers
      Contact Buffalo for Info

      Tag-It

      Deer Season is Here

      Big Game Hunters , perhaps one of the least expensive
      but most useful items you will carry into the woods or field
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      of Natural Resources. Buy extra for your hunting partners.

      Go To www.sault.com/jsweet.

      Remember 9/11/01
    • buffalosjokes2001
      Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. The daughter spent the night with us last night and
      Message 42 of 42 , Jan 20, 2002
      • 0 Attachment
        Clean Clean

        Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
        name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

        The daughter spent the night with us last night and she brought
        her cat over for a visit because Woogie had been through a
        traumatic experience the day before.
        When Buffy got home from work , Woogie hadn't rushed out
        to greet her so she called her cat. She heard a muffled meow
        coming from somewher and started looking. Living in a basement
        she figured the cat might have found some way to get into a wall
        or the ceiling and get trapped. After a few minutes she still hadn't
        found her but had narrowed the search to her bedroom. Finally
        she noticed the lid of her hamper was closed and there was
        Woogie curled up on a pile of laundry, where she had crawled probably
        looking for a warm place to hide . Although she had
        grown up as an indoor/ outdoor cat she has no love for the cold
        and prefers a heat register or the daughter's electric blanket for a
        nap.
        Hope you enjoy the chips and you are having a nice weekend.

        BTW our latest poll has 300 answers so far and Pat writes:

        I have decided to leave my computer OFF except the first 4 days of the
        month. I will be running the maintenance programs at that time. How's
        that
        grab you?
        Love
        @}>--->>>>>-------------------

        You can still check out our poll and add your $.02 or € for the
        international crowd at:
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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Space Chips Via Rubin
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        In Brooklyn, Sol Goldstein is startled when a flying
        saucer lands beside him. From the saucer exits a
        beautiful female who tells him that she is from
        the planet Pluto. Sol notices that her skin is green,
        and she has three breasts, four arms, and six legs.

        The woman assures him that all women on Pluto look
        like she does. Sol also notices that every finger on
        her four arms sports one or more rings with huge
        diamonds or other precious stones,and every wrist is
        heavy with gold bracelets. When Sol asks, "Are there any
        women on Pluto who don't wear all of that jewelry?"
        the woman replies, "Only the shiksas."

        shiksas = non-Jewish women



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        Toon Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Navy Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during
        World War
        II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right
        to
        Pensacola skipping boot camp.

        The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the
        base.
        All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him
        immediately to
        an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

        On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6
        Japanese
        Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese
        planes and
        shot them all down, too.

        Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the
        carrier and
        came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy,
        climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he
        said, "Well
        sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

        The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one velly
        impoltant
        mistake!"


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        Blonde Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

        The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

        The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

        The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"

        The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
        heads.

        "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
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        To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going
        at
        night!"


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Psych Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        "I had the strangest dream last night," Morris was telling his
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        the meaning of this strange dream."

        The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding:
        "A Coke? That's a breakfast?"


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        Undaunted, the caller kept trying to convince me to change
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        [Taken from Reader's Digest.]


        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Afterlife Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she
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        went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.

        The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted
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        unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.

        "Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"

        "Yes, my husband."

        "Are you happy?"

        "Yes, my husband."

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        "Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Resume Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



        Following are a few gems taken from actual resumes:

        "Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require pre-
        scription drugs.

        "I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't
        let them know of my immediate availability."

        "Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity,
        and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come
        cheap."

        "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'.
        I have never quit a job."

        "Number of dependents: 40."

        "Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

        "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

        REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: "Responsibility makes me
        nervous."

        "They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every
        morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

        JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
        "While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I
        am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least
        partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and
        that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the ap-
        plication of more rarefied facets of financial management as
        the major sphere of responsibility."

        "I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

        "My goal is to be a meteorologist. Since I have no training
        in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

        "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

        PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
        "Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        From The Buffalos Mail Box

        Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
        ( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors
        stood
        around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )

        Hi Bill,

        Your tale about your snowblower made me think about vehicle care and
        maintenance that was required in the arctic region. While I had left
        my own vehicle at home and flew to Alaska, I knew several people who
        had taken their cars and trucks to Fort Wainwright with them. Some
        of the vehicles had been driven to Alaska on the Al-Can or Alaskan-
        Canadian Highway. Others had been transported to Anchorage by ferry,
        then driven up to Fairbanks. They all had to be prepared the same
        way, and the main difference between them was that the driven
        vehicles had rock guards to protect them from the large gravel pieces
        that made up parts of the Al-Can.

        All of the vehicles had to have three devices attached to make them
        operable in the extreme cold. They needed to be tuned up and have
        their batteries serviced each fall. They all had engine heaters
        installed, either coolant heaters, or block heaters to keep the
        lightweight engine oil thin enough to circulate. The other two
        devices were focused on the battery.
        There was a blanket heater that wrapped around the battery, and there
        was a trickle charger that continually fed a 1 to 2 amp charge into
        the battery. Each of these three devices were plugged into a power
        strip at the front of the vehicle and then an extension cord came out
        through the grill and plugged into an electrical outlet in the
        parking lot. Parking spaces had electrical outlets all over the post
        and all over town.

        The parking lot at the local department store had gates to get into
        and out of, just like at an airport. There were hitching post like
        structures at the head of the parking spaces with electrical outlets
        all along their length.
        The shoppers were able to park their vehicle and plug it in their
        heater/charger equipment while they were inside the store. The
        shoppers were then given vouchers by the cashier when they made a
        purchase that allowed them to park for free. If they didn't buy
        anything, they had to pay to get out of the parking lot.

        Still, unless a vehicle was driven regularly, this was not enough to
        keep it running. Following a two week winter exercise, I had to help
        a friend restore life to his car. It had been plugged in all the
        time, but the 5 weight oil had frozen and the engine would not turn
        over. The most common cure for this was taking a metal garbage can
        lid and filling it with charcoal briquettes. Once the fire died down
        and a bed of red hot coals had formed, the garbage can lid was slid
        under the engine. It was left in place for up to an hour before
        attempts were made to start the engine. That usually did the trick,
        but care still had to be taken when starting to drive, because other
        vehicle parts, like the transmission, differential, and the
        suspension were still extremely stiff and prone to damage until they
        loosened up.

        The side windows and rear window also had a thick plastic sheet
        applied to them during the winter months. The sheet created a thin
        air pocket inside that kept the window and the sheet clear. Every
        part of the glass was heavily frosted over except for the area under
        the plastic sheet. Alaska was the only place that I ever saw that
        method used, it worked pretty good.

        I was glad to have left my own vehicle at home in northeast Iowa. It
        only gets down to about -20 to -30 where I live, but this has been a
        mild winter so far. I have never had a block heater, battery
        blanket, or trickle charger installed on any of my vehicles, and they
        have usually started in the dead of winter. Pulling spark plugs in
        the driveway at -25 degrees is not an activity that I would recommend
        to anyone. Nor do I recommend the charcoal engine heating method,
        but it worked in Alaska. I also did a tune-up on my brother-in-law's
        Plymouth in similar conditions about 20 years ago. Bummer, but it
        ran pretty good when I was done. Keep those engines running, and
        take it easy on the snow and ice.

        Keep Up The Fire!

        "Doc" Chuck

        ~~~~~

        Firearms refresher Course From Westpac

        a. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.

        b. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.

        c. Glock: The original point and click interface.

        d. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.

        e. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?

        f. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.

        g. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.

        h. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.

        i. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.

        j. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights reserved.

        k. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?

        l. The Second Amendment is in place in case they ignore the others.

        m. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.

        n. Guns only have two enemies: rust and liberals.

        o. Know guns, know peace and safety. No guns, no peace nor safety.

        p. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.

        q. 911 - government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.

        r. Assault is a behavior, not a device.

        s. Criminals love gun control - it makes their jobs safer.

        t. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.

        u. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control
        them.

        v. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.

        w. Enforce the "gun control laws" we have, don't make more.

        x. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.

        y. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.

        z. "...a government of the people, by the people, for the people..."

        ~~~~~


        On January 23rd members of Congress will reconvene to pick up where
        they left off in December and debate issues of national interest.

        Shortly after Jan 23rd, the Senate will continue its debate on the
        Farm Bill. Much has been written about the farm bill and about the
        farm subsidy system. We at Farm Aid encourage you to read the short
        essay below by Jim Hightower, the former Texas Commissioner of
        Agriculture, to learn how your tax dollars (in the form of farm
        subsidies) benefited Charles Schwab, the well known billionaire
        Stockbroker.

        As Hightower concludes, the original purpose of the farm subsidy
        program was designed to help struggling small farmers stay on their
        land. After reading this essay, if so moved, please call your
        senators and urge them to support farm policies that strengthen
        family farmers, not corporate mega-farms and billionaires. Capitol
        Hill Switchboard: 202-224-3121.

        Farm Aid works with family farm organizations across the country that
        are fighting for a fair farm bill that will support family farmers ?
        not factory farms. As a not-for-profit organization Farm Aid relies
        on grants and donations to continue our work. If you share our
        devotion to fair and just farm policies that keep family farmers
        producing America?s food, please consider making a tax-deductible
        gift to Farm Aid. Donations can be made online at:
        http://www.farmaid.org

        HIGHTOWER: Charles Schwab's Ducky Deal
        Jim Hightower, AlterNet
        January 8, 2002

        Charles Schwab is one lucky duck. Not only is he a billionaire
        stockbroker, heading the Wall Street firm that bears his family name,
        but he also has his own, private duck-hunting club on 1,500 acres of
        wetlands in picturesque Northern California.

        He calls his place Casa de Patos, which is Spanish for House of
        Ducks. However, ducks don't read, so they're unaware that Charlie
        named his place for the birds and that they're supposed to swoop down
        from their migratory path to get a close enough for Schwab and his
        duck-loving friends to shoot at them. Also, while you and I know from
        his ubiquitous ads that Charles is a hot-shot Wall Street
        Stockbroker, your average duck doesn't watch a lot of tv and wouldn't
        know Charles Schwab from a cotton swab. But Schwab knows that his
        feathered friends are attracted to rice fields, so, to lure more of
        the game birds within gunshot range, Charles has had much of Casa de
        Patos planted in rice.

        Here's where the story turns deliciously ducky for Schwab. As you
        might expect, he didn't get to be a billionaire by spending his money
        foolishly. No, instead he spends your money foolishly. Charles
        Schwab, billionaire duck man, discovered the federal farm program.
        Specifically, his legal beagles determined that as a rice grower,
        Schwab was eligible for rice subsidies from us taxpayers. Lots of
        subsidies. The bottom line here is that you and I, Mr. and Ms. Joe
        Schmoe Taxpayer, fork over some $500,000 a year in federal crop-
        support funds so Schwab can be sure that guests at his exclusive
        hunting club have plenty of ducks to kill.

        The farm program was originally meant to help struggling small
        farmers -- not a pleasure seeking Wall Streeter with a net worth of
        some $4 billion. With program perveters like Schwab, we taxpayers are
        sitting ducks.

        This is Jim Hightower saying ... To help stop cheaters like Charlie,
        and to return the farm program to real farmers, contact, Farm Aid:
        617-354-2922.

        ~~~~~

        Buffalo:


        I also lived in a house that was ruled by cats (siamese) who adored
        my wife. Me they tolerated as they did our family dog (a
        daschound). Over the years we had 3 different cats and an equal
        number of dogs and I must confess they got on famously together.

        One of my most vivid memories is of a few years ago when our last cat
        became ill with bowel and kidney problems. My wife , in an effort to
        reduce Vet costs, decided to treat the cat at home. Needless to say
        I was the corpsman she called upon to administer the treatments.
        Buffalo, you haven't lived until you have given a Siamese Cat an
        enema every day for 10 days. I lost over a pint of blood, could not
        be seen in public for a month because of facial, hand and arm
        scratches ( and a fear my wife would be arrested for spousal abuse)
        and the greatest indignity- - had to clean about 20 pounds of VERY
        loose cat chips out of my garage.
        Unfortunately, the treatments did not work and we had to put the cat
        down. But the experience-ah the experience.....Ray USN/RET

        ~~~~

        I thought you might see the the humor in this. After having water in
        the fuel of your snow blower. I took my small boat out so my brother
        could take same pictures of gators in the wild. We had a week of rain
        and like a dummy i didn't cover my fuel tanks [got water in both
        tanks] the motor ran six miles down river at an idle before it
        stopped and i had to row all the way back to the truck. But at least
        it was a nice day weather wise 75 deg or so.

        "Those who desire to give up Freedom in order to gain
        Security, will not have, nor do they deserve, either one."

        --Thomas Jefferson

        mike532

        Buffalo says Once was funny mike but I am up to my horns in snow
        right now heh heh

        ~~~~

        I call this one;

        "For Now and Then"


        When I was small and the world was tall,
        There was magic everywhere.
        Like Trick-or-Treat, and small bare feet,
        And snowflakes in the air.


        We played outside 'till midnight,
        In the fragrant summer night...
        Our souls set free, we strove to be,
        Like young birds taking flight.


        There was such joy in simple things,
        And fear was just a word.
        We had no clue that down the road,
        It would be most common heard.


        But Oh, the world is different now,
        Our innocence is lost.
        There is no childhood magic now,
        At what a cruel cost.


        I long for time to turn around,
        Back to those idyllic hours.
        But innocence and peace can't thrive,
        In the Land of Fallen Towers.


        Perhaps some day. Peace will return...
        I hope I'm here to see,
        The children laugh and play again,
        Their joy unbound and free.


        Until that day, I'll do my best.
        And I'll pray hard every night.
        that evil darkness be undone,
        And LOVE rule, shining bright.



        by Miki Buchanan 01-16-2002


        ~~~~~

        Hi Buffalo
        I found one for the Doc:
        It's forty below zero one winter night in Alaska. Pat is drinking at
        his local saloon and the bartender says to him, "You owe me quite a
        bit on your tab."

        "Sorry," says Pat, "I'm flat broke this week."

        "That's okay," says the bartender. "I'll just write your name and the
        amount you owe me right here on the wall."

        "But," says Pat, "I don't want any of my friends to see that."

        "They won't," says the bartender. "I'll just hang your parka over it
        until it's paid."

        Jim

        ~~~~~


        Apology to Martin from TX
        My mistake about the starting of this country. I understand that MEN
        started this country. Many men were great and honest. Thanks to the
        ones that make this country great. The scum and trash deserves a
        garbage can. A lot of MEN stole, killed, and bribed to get their way
        in forming this country. Blood, sweat, tears, and most importantly
        prayers of MEN, WOMEM, and CHILDREN formed this nation to be one of
        the GREATEST NATIONS that has ever been. WHY?
        ___________________________

        I was taught in Government schools and have since found out that
        their text books are written to control the minds of the public and
        whitewash actual Historical events like why was the civil war started
        between the north and the south? Slavery or bad Northern Politics.
        Books or any readable material can control the minds of people.
        Hitler said that if he could write the textbooks, he could control
        the minds of the people. Who writes the books?

        We (Men, women, and children) chose what we want to become, what we
        believe, and how we want to behave. However are we accountable to
        someone greater than us, maybe a creator, or did we come from a frog
        or a fish? The answer will come in the clouds with glory and great
        power says the book that I like to read. Choose. But choose wisely.
        It's our choice!!!! I try not to and will not force my Christian
        evangelism on anyone. Everyone in this country has the choice by law
        of man and God to chose their own savior.
        With Love for fellow countrymen and all around the world, Thanks for
        all you did to make this a great country.
        Hank in MS

        ~~~~

        Bill,

        Thank you to your unnamed reader who correctly identified Benjamin
        Franklin as the author of the quote on the tradeoffs between security
        and freedom. Now if we could get the quote right we might have
        something to discuss with a bit more weight than the defects and
        deficiencies of our last few Presidents.

        In the Historical Review of Pennsylvania in 1759 (about the time
        Buffalo enlisted in the Navy) Franklin wrote - "They that can give up
        essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither
        liberty nor safety."

        Of course this is the same man who also advised that "A cat in gloves
        catches no mice."

        This is not to suggest that Jefferson was any slouch at creating
        thought-provoking gems which remain very relevant today.

        In 1816 he wrote to Charles Yankee, "If a nation expects to be
        ignorant and free, in a state of civilization, it expects what never
        was and never will be."

        Later that year he wrote to Du Pont de Nemours, "Enlighten the people
        generally, and tyranny and oppressions of the body and mind will
        vanish like evil spirits at the dawn of day."

        I would be interested to hear if other readers think that some or any
        of these thoughts are relevant to America today.

        Jim
        Jim Kennicott
        Park City, Utah USA

        ~~~~~

        Little Boy and the 100 dollars

        I laughed uncontrollably for a good 2-3 min at that one! I agree that
        the
        jokes that catch you off guard like that are the best. And for
        everyone who
        was offended all I can say is, it's a JOKE people, isn't that what you
        expect to find on a JOKE LIST? loosen up, there are plenty of things
        in
        life to get upset about but a joke is NOT one of them. If ya don't
        like it
        move on to the next one }:>

        WooHoo it's snowing here in Colorado! I know some of you east coasters
        probably hate me for that one huh?

        Graffix

        ~~~~~

        How I failed my first driving test and passed the
        second - My father had a DeSoto with automatic shift.
        I learned to drive on this car. The day of my driving
        test he decided not to let me use it and I borrowed
        the Pastor's car. Fr Frank Kett lent me his huge Nash
        Ambassador with standard shift. Buddy Houseman, later
        an NYPD sargeant tried to get me ready in an hour. I
        could drive it but the nerves that came as I started
        out had me thinking of my last mistake so i kept
        making them. Each was progressively worse than the
        last which was going through a red light. My father
        then had one of his co-workers teach me how to drive a
        car properly. Mop, his nickname had been Frank
        Costello's driver. He taught me how to drive so a
        passenger would never spill a drop of coffee from a
        cup when stopping the car. I never drove standard
        shift again till the cab company i was working part
        time for shifted over to that mode of transmission,
        but that is another story.

        Art

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        Bonus Chip

        Memorandum


        From: Saint Peter
        To: Everybody
        Date: Jan 20, 2002 A.D.
        RE: Don't die yet!

        In order to speed the registration process at the Pearly Gates, we've
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        PLEASE DON'T DIE YET!




        Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

        *********************************************

        Remember 9/11/01
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