- Clean Clean
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I leave for Navy Basic Training on November 5th. I was wonder if any
"old pro's" had any advice for me.
Congratulations on joining the military. It will provide you with both
job skills and life skills that make you a valuable asset to future
employers and your country. Hmm what advice can I offer ?
Boot Camp is like 4 years of High School compressed into a few
months. The first week you will be tested, equipped, injected, and
assigned to a company. Be enthusiastic, say "Yes Sir" and "Yes
Ma'am" with respect. Listen carefully and ask questions, it takes less
time and money to answer a question than it does to fix a mistake.
Don't be afraid to volunteer for a task but often it will not be what
seems. The question " Has anyone here ever driven a Cadillac", is
usually an offer to drive a mop bucket or a buffer not the Admiral's
Limo. Do not be afraid to learn those skills as everyone uses them
later on including running a commercial dishwasher or washing pots
or pans even though somehow I missed messcooking in the Navy
totally. Learn terminology and use it . A floor is a deck, a wall is a
bulkhead , left is port, and right is starboard and above all the
has ships , the only boats are small craft and submarines. To use
the wrong term causes mistakes and invites criticism. There are
three ways dodo any job, the right way, the wrong way, and the Navy
way, you only have to concern yourself with the last one. Try your
best at everything, it increases your chances of an early promotion
more schools, and more money. Always be on time for everything and
No matter how confusing at the beginning , it will all come
and you will realize that all too soon boot camp will be over and the
people that have become your friends will be scattered all over the
world. That's part of the Navy someone is always leaving and someone
replaces them, always a chance to make new friends and with a hotmail
or yahoo mail account you can stay in touch from anywhere.
In parting, everyday is a holiday, every meal is a feast and once
two weeks they fill your pockets with money. What more could you ask
for. Almost as good as the chips but you'll have to wait till after
To anyone with any advice for Tricia send it to Buffalos3@...
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There was this blonde farmer who had these two horses that she
couldn't tell apart. She went to her neighbour and asked if he had
ideas to help her.
The neighbour told her to trim part of one horse's tails so one would
be shorter than the other. The blonde thanked her neighbour and went
She trimmed one of the tails, and she could tell her horses apart
now, until one day when the other horse got his tail caught in the
Now the blonde had a problem because she couldn't tell the horses
apart again. So she went back to her neighbour and asked him what she
could do. Her neighbour said to trim one of the horse's ears.
The blond thanked her neighbour again and went home. Then she trimmed
one of her horse's ears. Now she could tell them apart. Until one day
when the other horse got its ear caught in the fence. Now the blond
was stuck. So she went back to her neighbour. Her neighbour suggested
that she measure her horses.
The blond thanked her neighbour once again and went home. It turns
out that the black horse is two inches taller then the white horse...
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20 Fun Things To Do In Your Office
1. Remove the jug from the water cooler and drink from it
bragging that you 'got the last one.'
2. Photocopy things around the office, such as lamps, potted plants,
staplers, etc. If someone asks about it, just say 'You never can be
3. Turn your radio up full blast and sing along loudly with the song.
Invite others to join you.
4. Pretend to be hypnotized by someone's screen saver.
5. Go into someone's office, grab a book from their shelves, and begin
reading it aloud to them. If they interrupt, give them an evil look.
6. Give a secretary a copy of Hamlet and ask them to proofread it.
7. Use a hole punch to punch holes in all your outgoing mail. Explain
that the holes 'make it more aerodynamic'.
8. Bring a lawnmower into the office and pretend to mow the carpet.
9. Bring a TV remote control to the office and try to 'change the
channel' on people's computers. When it doesn't work, mumble something
about 'cheap Japanese crap.'
10. Pull a chair up to your window and pretend to be working at a
11. Stand at the washroom door carrying a baseball bat and ask
in a low voice if they washed their hands.
12. Gnaw on your mouse, make cat noises, and lick your hands from time
13. Walk into people's offices, taking a careful look around. Talk
your shirt, saying 'No sign of him yet, Chief.'
14. When the phone rings, answer by saying 'KBBL, you're on the air.'
15. Proudly show everyone your calculator and hand out cigars. Tell
your computer just had a baby.
16. Paint your face blue and start searching around in people's desk
drawers. Ask them if they've seen your pills.
17. Create a document that is entirely black and print hundreds of
copies. Use the print-outs as wallpaper for your office.
18. Build a fire pit out of cinder blocks in the staff room. Place a
stack of firewood in the corner, along with matches, lighter fluid,
dogs, and marshmallows.
19. Place a row of liquor bottles on your desk, and a sign on your
which reads 'NO COVER!' Announce loudly that it's happy hour.
20. Get in the elevator and pretend to hold the door open for
He's singing a different song
Some days can be so unfulfilling!!
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Two blondes were walking down
the road and the first blonde said,
Look at that dog with one eye!
The other blonde covers one of her
eyes and says......Where?
WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll
check it out. Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool."
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one
allowed per passenger."
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Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy,
one of the church elders offered to present him with a bottle
on one consideration - that the pastor acknowledge receipt of
the gift in the church paper.
"Gladly," responded the good man.
When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder
turned at once to the "appreciation" column. There he read:
"The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift
of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given."
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If Aircraft were viruses
F-4 VIRUS Outdated virus that was once very capable, but leaves an
trail and is therefore easily detected.
F-16 VIRUS Extremely small virus that's highly overrated. Seldom
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real damage anyway.
F-15C VIRUS Makes lots of claims about what it can do, but usually
after you've already shutdown your computer. Sometimes destroys the
F-15E VIRUS Most capable virus of all. Works quickly and accurately.
tremendous damage to targeted files. Can defend itself well against
F-18 VIRUS Another virus that seldom makes it all the way to your
Spends 90 percent of its time just trying to get aboard.
F-111 VIRUS Extremely fast, deadly accurate virus that is slowly being
replaced by less capable viruses.
F-117 VIRUS Works only at night. Targets very specific files stored
the center of the hard drive. Can only be used once a night due to
B-1 VIRUS Very expensive virus that is easily erased because it's so
find, and has no known defensive capabilities.
B-2 VIRUS Most expensive virus ever. Costs far more than the computer
infects. Hard to detect. Works only at night. Must have access to
modem to find targeted files.
C-130 VIRUS Most lethal virus of all because it can carry all types of
additional viruses, anywhere, anytime. Shows up in more foreign
than the flu bug. Can find its way into even the smallest of
land or sea). Limited only by the amount of additional viruses it can
and distance covered (overcomes this limitation by staging itself
unlimited variety of other locations within systems). Quite benign
delivering other viruses because it settles down to a binge of eating
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A Navy officer was cutting through the crew's quarters of his ship
one day and happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet
up on the small table in front of him. "Sailor! Do you put your feet
up on the furniture at home?" the officer demanded.
"No, sir, but we don't land airplanes on the roof either."
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The Rabbi's wife called a psychiatrist and said, "My husband thinks
he's the new Moses." The doctor assured her that these delusions of
grandeur were only a passing fancy.
"OK." she responded. "But in the meantime, how do I keep him from
parting the waters in the hot-tub?"
"With a single stroke of a brush," said the art teacher, taking his
around the National Gallery, "Joshua Reynolds could change a smiling
a frowning one."
"That's nothing," said Little Johnny, "So can my mother."
Little Johnny's mother was called into the school one day by the
"We're very worried about Little Johnny," he said. "He goes around
cluck, cluck, clucking."
"That's right," said Little Johnny's mother. "He thinks he's a
"Haven't you taken him to a psychiatrist?" asked the principal.
Little Johnny's mother replied, "Well, we would, but we really need
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A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to
about. He asks his father for advice.
The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always
are food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream
front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's
He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.
He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his
suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you
brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice
the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like
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From The Buffalos Mail Box
Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors
around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )
My first field exercise was called Operation Kris Kringle 75. They
very imaginitive and kept the same names for field exercises, they
changed the year designation. Kris Kringle was more or less a
exercise for the larger Operation Jack Frost that occurred the
month. The winter of 1975-76 was a typical winter in central Alaska,
temperatures mostly from -50 to -60 degrees day or night. The sun
little or no warming effect and just provided prescious light. After
returned from this exercise we were told that it never got warmer
during the week that we were out there. It was my first opportunity
to the field with a rifle company and work closely with a rifle
biggest fear was that I would screw up, or not be up to the task. We
up with our units and were to stay with them for the duration of the
We travelled to our staging areas in the backs of insulated and
deuces (2-1/2 ton cargo trucks). We crossed the ice bridge over the
River in the southern part of Fort Wainwright. An ice bridge is
repeatedly pouring water on the ice that is already on the river to
enough to drive heavy vehicles on. At least that was what we had
The trucks dropped us off at the staging area and we put on our rucks
skis and started pulling our ahkios toward our destination. I was
my trigger finger mittens and quickly felt my left ring finger go
numb. I had my arctic mittens attached to the top of my ruck and put
on pronto. My finger regained it's sensation while I was skiing. I
out of the truck for less than 15 minutes with mittens on and had
a light case of frostnip. That was a valuable lesson.
The days were short in early December, only about 4-5 hours long. By
the time we got to our destination, it was quite dark. As a rookie,
a medic that nobody knew, I was given the job of holding up the
pole in the squad tent while some of the other soldiers staked it
actually felt warm standing under that canvas in the dark. I could
them working outside and felt the tent tug one way and then the other
the ropes were pulled taut and staked out. My fellow soldiers worked
amazing speed and coordination. About five of us put up the tent
another three or four set to work on the stove.
The tents were heated by a small stove known as a Yukon stove, or a
Yuke for short. The Yuke was capable of burning wood, coal, or any
solid fuel. Yes, even buffalo chips if we could have found any.
fuel source was gasoline though. A five-gallon can was placed on a
outside the tent with a rubber fuel hose snaking under the side of
and up to a steel valve and drip chamber positioned over a burner
the top of the stove. There was a five section chimney attached to
of the stove that extended out through the roof. When the stove was
made a slight roaring/rumbling sound as air was sucked into the top
stove around the burner plate and the gasoline was burned "safely"
the stove. When the tent was up, the ahkio was closed up and
was done, we gathered around the stove chanting YUKE! YUKE! YUKE!
a bunch of pyromaniacs relishing the heat that it provided. When
at the correct temperature, an area of slightly reddened metal formed
sides of the box-like stove. The spot was referred to as a cherry,
get larger as the drip valve was opened up. The cherry could even
back to the chimney at the back of the stove if too much heat was
but that's another story.
We cleared away as much snow as possible and laid down our air
and sleeping bags and prepared for supper. The Yukon stove was
for cooking C-rations on. It was about sixteen inches wide by about
thirty-six ( Web ate the
from my soldiers and bedded down where they told me to. They were
me and my eternal respect for the 11B (combat infantryman) began to
that day. Whenever there is a fire going in a tent, there must be a
awake at all times to watch for any danger. Unfortunately for the
the gas can runs out on his watch, he gets to go out and change it.
adventures on Operation Kris Kringle were just beginning as I was to
over the several days. More later........
The following program is scheduled for Monday evening 11/5/01 9:00 PM
the History Channel.
9:00 Winter Warriors. Traces the story of the U.S. Army's
Mountain Division. They were formed after WWII began, specifically to
in high, rugged mountain conditions. After training in the Colorado
they were sent to Italy's Apennines to take on well-entrenched
a combination of mountain skills and raw courage, they drove the
back, and helped win the war in Italy. Later, former members of the
helped create many of the country's ski resorts, including Aspen and
CC [TV G]
Looks like it should be an interesting program. I know that I'm
going to be
watching. We might even see an ahkio or a Yukon stove :-) This
came along at just the right time to fit in with the "Arctic Tales".
So sorry to read about your brother. I wouldn't know what to do
After serving for two tours and an extension in Viet Nam as a Seabee,
I was due to go to Long Beach for discharge in May 1970. My brother
was on a DE in Hawaii and as luck would have it, the flight back to
the States was to stop in Hawaii for one hour. We were able to meet
and the meeting lasted for three hours due to flight delays. Even
after 31 years I can still remember that meeting and how good the
Speaking of food, I found my "John Wayne" not long ago and it brought
back so many memories. The best combination in the C rats was the
pound cake smeared with grape jelly. Or the pears.
I have a suggestion for David Moore of Flintville, TN. He can
download pop-up stopper free from www.panicware.com. I have been
using it for several weeks and swear by it.
Jim Mc Quain
I was reluctant to write about your "John Waynes" until I read
today's chips. 10-29-01. In my first hitch in the Army, 62-65, we
called them P-38's. Mine actually had my birth year on it (1944) and
I carried it and one of my notched dogtags on my keyring long after
my time in the military ran out. I quit at 11-9 and 28days. Got fed
up with R.E.M.F."s
As one of your respondents wrote; Green Eggs and Ham. Was Dr. Seuss
in the Army too? C Rats were good to me, Series K we had from who
knows where? L.R.R.P.'s self explanatory but I never had the dubious
honor of having eaten M.R.E.s. From guys that I knew in Korea when I
was there as a Contractor, they weren't nearly as good as the C's.
A hole in the ground and a wee bit of C-4 did a real good job of
heating the C's. L.R.R.P.'s to me were best eaten just as they were
and a half cup of water following just as the Japanese and Koreans
ate rice raw and drank a little water. Filled their bellies and
staved off hunger for a little longer.
The P-38 and dogtag got lost in Korea in 93 I think. Walking to work
up hill 180 from the Song Tan Si side of the camp. (Osan AFB) I
walked back home and then back to work again but never did find the
key ring. Nine miles that day but it didn't hurt me. No field pack
and all of the other stuff that we used to hump.
Grins and Giggles, my first tour over seas was in Korea. Forgotten
names. Paju Ri, CC1, CC2, Munsan Ni and God only knows the names of
some of the others. Been from one end to the other now. Munsan to
Pusan. Total time in four times over amounted to 7+years.
Keep up the good work Bill. I like both of your E-Zines and really
enjoy the readers comments.
Just saw in your Chips file, a little late in reading it, but the can
openers were called P-38's, which were stamped on them by the
manufacture, so we always called them that, and yes, they always
ended up on our belt clips with the keys we had charge of. I was
a "tin can" sailor for my Navy career, so it was always a joke that
we used to use our P-38's to get out of the tin cans. But during my
20 years, I stayed with the Greyhounds through the Frigate Class when
I retired in 1981. You should mention that you were always on the
AS's or AR's (forgot which), or were you a bird farmer too ?
Different life with 280 guys on board vs 2 thousand. Enjoy your
newsletter, keep it between the swells of the waves.
When I was Dead and Alive at the Same Time
In the military war games are common. I was stationed
in Salina, Kansas at Schilling AFB a SAC base,(since closed) when we
a simulated attack. My alternate duty was to load nukes on B-47's.
crew had finished the task and was resting in a hut where about 50 a-
were stashed when it was time for lunch. We were given passes to eat
the mess hall. The passes enabled us to physically travel to eat,
were logically still in the hut, sheltered from bombing attacks.
we ate we tried to re-enter the secure sight, but the Air Police said
couldnt because the road had been destroyed by an attack. I showed
papers that effectively said we werent really there, we were supposed
physically in a hut. The Air Policeman didnt relent, so we tried an
alternate route. We tried to sneak into the secure field threw an
fence. Alas, a different Air Police group stopped us and asked us
were doing trying to break into a secure area. Again I stated we
here, we were in a hut and the Police at the main entrance wouldnt
allow us in
because the road was destroyed during a mock raid. This time the Air
not part of the drill, stated you cannot come into this area. The
charge settled the issue by giving us a red tag, signaling we were
dead. I guess we
were alive in the hut, but I never found out. I was afraid to go
into the hut, I
might meet myself.
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The company I work for offers tours through the historic district of
Annapolis, MD, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing. While
group, one of our guides, Dave, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist.
He went to the hospital, and as he sat in the emergency room, a
walked by. Doing a double take at Dave in his 18th-century garb, he
"Just how long have you been waiting?"
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