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  • buffalos3@webtv.net
    Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Hey Buffalo, I leave for Navy Basic Training on
    Message 1 of 2 , Nov 1, 2001
      Clean Clean


      Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
      name is Buffalo and I have the watch.


      Hey Buffalo,

      I leave for Navy Basic Training on November 5th. I was wonder if any
      of you
      "old pro's" had any advice for me.

      ~Tricia


      Hi Tricia,
      Congratulations on joining the military. It will provide you with both
      job skills and life skills that make you a valuable asset to future
      employers and your country. Hmm what advice can I offer ?

      Boot Camp is like 4 years of High School compressed into a few
      months. The first week you will be tested, equipped, injected, and
      assigned to a company. Be enthusiastic, say "Yes Sir" and "Yes
      Ma'am" with respect. Listen carefully and ask questions, it takes less
      time and money to answer a question than it does to fix a mistake.
      Don't be afraid to volunteer for a task but often it will not be what
      it
      seems. The question " Has anyone here ever driven a Cadillac", is
      usually an offer to drive a mop bucket or a buffer not the Admiral's
      Limo. Do not be afraid to learn those skills as everyone uses them
      later on including running a commercial dishwasher or washing pots
      or pans even though somehow I missed messcooking in the Navy
      totally. Learn terminology and use it . A floor is a deck, a wall is a
      bulkhead , left is port, and right is starboard and above all the
      Navy
      has ships , the only boats are small craft and submarines. To use
      the wrong term causes mistakes and invites criticism. There are
      three ways dodo any job, the right way, the wrong way, and the Navy
      way, you only have to concern yourself with the last one. Try your
      best at everything, it increases your chances of an early promotion
      more schools, and more money. Always be on time for everything and
      never late.
      No matter how confusing at the beginning , it will all come
      together
      and you will realize that all too soon boot camp will be over and the
      people that have become your friends will be scattered all over the
      world. That's part of the Navy someone is always leaving and someone
      replaces them, always a chance to make new friends and with a hotmail
      or yahoo mail account you can stay in touch from anywhere.
      In parting, everyday is a holiday, every meal is a feast and once
      every
      two weeks they fill your pockets with money. What more could you ask
      for. Almost as good as the chips but you'll have to wait till after
      boot camp
      for those.


      To anyone with any advice for Tricia send it to Buffalos3@...


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      Blonde Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      There was this blonde farmer who had these two horses that she
      couldn't tell apart. She went to her neighbour and asked if he had
      any
      ideas to help her.

      The neighbour told her to trim part of one horse's tails so one would
      be shorter than the other. The blonde thanked her neighbour and went
      home.

      She trimmed one of the tails, and she could tell her horses apart
      now, until one day when the other horse got his tail caught in the
      fence.

      Now the blonde had a problem because she couldn't tell the horses
      apart again. So she went back to her neighbour and asked him what she
      could do. Her neighbour said to trim one of the horse's ears.

      The blond thanked her neighbour again and went home. Then she trimmed
      one of her horse's ears. Now she could tell them apart. Until one day
      when the other horse got its ear caught in the fence. Now the blond
      was stuck. So she went back to her neighbour. Her neighbour suggested
      that she measure her horses.

      The blond thanked her neighbour once again and went home. It turns
      out that the black horse is two inches taller then the white horse...


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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Office Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      20 Fun Things To Do In Your Office

      1. Remove the jug from the water cooler and drink from it
      periodically,
      bragging that you 'got the last one.'

      2. Photocopy things around the office, such as lamps, potted plants,
      staplers, etc. If someone asks about it, just say 'You never can be
      too
      careful.'

      3. Turn your radio up full blast and sing along loudly with the song.
      Invite others to join you.

      4. Pretend to be hypnotized by someone's screen saver.

      5. Go into someone's office, grab a book from their shelves, and begin
      reading it aloud to them. If they interrupt, give them an evil look.

      6. Give a secretary a copy of Hamlet and ask them to proofread it.

      7. Use a hole punch to punch holes in all your outgoing mail. Explain
      that the holes 'make it more aerodynamic'.

      8. Bring a lawnmower into the office and pretend to mow the carpet.

      9. Bring a TV remote control to the office and try to 'change the
      channel' on people's computers. When it doesn't work, mumble something
      about 'cheap Japanese crap.'

      10. Pull a chair up to your window and pretend to be working at a
      drive-through.

      11. Stand at the washroom door carrying a baseball bat and ask
      everyone
      in a low voice if they washed their hands.

      12. Gnaw on your mouse, make cat noises, and lick your hands from time
      to time.

      13. Walk into people's offices, taking a careful look around. Talk
      into
      your shirt, saying 'No sign of him yet, Chief.'

      14. When the phone rings, answer by saying 'KBBL, you're on the air.'

      15. Proudly show everyone your calculator and hand out cigars. Tell
      them
      your computer just had a baby.

      16. Paint your face blue and start searching around in people's desk
      drawers. Ask them if they've seen your pills.

      17. Create a document that is entirely black and print hundreds of
      copies. Use the print-outs as wallpaper for your office.

      18. Build a fire pit out of cinder blocks in the staff room. Place a
      stack of firewood in the corner, along with matches, lighter fluid,
      hot
      dogs, and marshmallows.

      19. Place a row of liquor bottles on your desk, and a sign on your
      door
      which reads 'NO COVER!' Announce loudly that it's happy hour.

      20. Get in the elevator and pretend to hold the door open for
      invisible
      people.


      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Toon Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Short Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Two blondes were walking down
      the road and the first blonde said,
      Look at that dog with one eye!
      The other blonde covers one of her
      eyes and says......Where?

      ~~~~

      WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the
      carburetor."

      HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

      WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

      HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll
      check it out. Where's the car?"

      WIFE: "In the pool."

      ~~~~


      Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The
      stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one
      carrion
      allowed per passenger."


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      Gift Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy,
      one of the church elders offered to present him with a bottle
      on one consideration - that the pastor acknowledge receipt of
      the gift in the church paper.

      "Gladly," responded the good man.

      When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder
      turned at once to the "appreciation" column. There he read:
      "The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift
      of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given."

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      Plane Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      If Aircraft were viruses

      F-4 VIRUS Outdated virus that was once very capable, but leaves an
      obvious
      trail and is therefore easily detected.

      F-16 VIRUS Extremely small virus that's highly overrated. Seldom
      makes it
      all the way to your files. But if it somehow does, it usually can't
      do any
      real damage anyway.

      F-15C VIRUS Makes lots of claims about what it can do, but usually
      shows up
      after you've already shutdown your computer. Sometimes destroys the
      wrong
      files.

      F-15E VIRUS Most capable virus of all. Works quickly and accurately.
      Causes
      tremendous damage to targeted files. Can defend itself well against
      anti-viral programs.

      F-18 VIRUS Another virus that seldom makes it all the way to your
      files.
      Spends 90 percent of its time just trying to get aboard.

      F-111 VIRUS Extremely fast, deadly accurate virus that is slowly being
      replaced by less capable viruses.

      F-117 VIRUS Works only at night. Targets very specific files stored
      towards
      the center of the hard drive. Can only be used once a night due to
      long
      boot-up time.

      B-1 VIRUS Very expensive virus that is easily erased because it's so
      easy to
      find, and has no known defensive capabilities.

      B-2 VIRUS Most expensive virus ever. Costs far more than the computer
      it
      infects. Hard to detect. Works only at night. Must have access to
      external
      modem to find targeted files.

      C-130 VIRUS Most lethal virus of all because it can carry all types of
      additional viruses, anywhere, anytime. Shows up in more foreign
      versions
      than the flu bug. Can find its way into even the smallest of
      computers (on
      land or sea). Limited only by the amount of additional viruses it can
      carry
      and distance covered (overcomes this limitation by staging itself
      from an
      unlimited variety of other locations within systems). Quite benign
      after
      delivering other viruses because it settles down to a binge of eating
      and
      drinking.


      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




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      A Navy officer was cutting through the crew's quarters of his ship
      one day and happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet
      up on the small table in front of him. "Sailor! Do you put your feet
      up on the furniture at home?" the officer demanded.

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      Short Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      The Rabbi's wife called a psychiatrist and said, "My husband thinks
      he's the new Moses." The doctor assured her that these delusions of
      grandeur were only a passing fancy.

      "OK." she responded. "But in the meantime, how do I keep him from
      parting the waters in the hot-tub?"

      ~~~~

      "With a single stroke of a brush," said the art teacher, taking his
      class
      around the National Gallery, "Joshua Reynolds could change a smiling
      face to
      a frowning one."

      "That's nothing," said Little Johnny, "So can my mother."

      ~~~~

      Little Johnny's mother was called into the school one day by the
      principal.

      "We're very worried about Little Johnny," he said. "He goes around
      all day
      cluck, cluck, clucking."

      "That's right," said Little Johnny's mother. "He thinks he's a
      chicken."

      "Haven't you taken him to a psychiatrist?" asked the principal.

      Little Johnny's mother replied, "Well, we would, but we really need
      the eggs."



      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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      Dating Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to
      talk
      about. He asks his father for advice.

      The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always
      work. These
      are food, family, and philosophy."

      The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream
      sodas in
      front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's
      nervousness builds.

      He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.

      He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the
      silence
      returns.

      After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his
      father's
      suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you
      have a
      brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

      The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice
      and asks
      the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like
      spinach?"



      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      From The Buffalos Mail Box

      Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
      ( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors
      stood
      around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )


      Dear Buffalo,

      My first field exercise was called Operation Kris Kringle 75. They
      weren't
      very imaginitive and kept the same names for field exercises, they
      just
      changed the year designation. Kris Kringle was more or less a
      practice
      exercise for the larger Operation Jack Frost that occurred the
      following
      month. The winter of 1975-76 was a typical winter in central Alaska,
      with
      temperatures mostly from -50 to -60 degrees day or night. The sun
      had
      little or no warming effect and just provided prescious light. After
      we
      returned from this exercise we were told that it never got warmer
      that -45
      during the week that we were out there. It was my first opportunity
      to go
      to the field with a rifle company and work closely with a rifle
      platoon. My
      biggest fear was that I would screw up, or not be up to the task. We
      linked
      up with our units and were to stay with them for the duration of the
      exercise.

      We travelled to our staging areas in the backs of insulated and
      heated
      deuces (2-1/2 ton cargo trucks). We crossed the ice bridge over the
      Tanana
      River in the southern part of Fort Wainwright. An ice bridge is
      formed by
      repeatedly pouring water on the ice that is already on the river to
      get it
      thick
      enough to drive heavy vehicles on. At least that was what we had
      been told.

      The trucks dropped us off at the staging area and we put on our rucks
      and
      skis and started pulling our ahkios toward our destination. I was
      wearing
      my trigger finger mittens and quickly felt my left ring finger go
      completely
      numb. I had my arctic mittens attached to the top of my ruck and put
      them
      on pronto. My finger regained it's sensation while I was skiing. I
      had been
      out of the truck for less than 15 minutes with mittens on and had
      sustained
      a light case of frostnip. That was a valuable lesson.

      The days were short in early December, only about 4-5 hours long. By
      the time we got to our destination, it was quite dark. As a rookie,
      and
      a medic that nobody knew, I was given the job of holding up the
      center
      pole in the squad tent while some of the other soldiers staked it
      out. It
      actually felt warm standing under that canvas in the dark. I could
      hear
      them working outside and felt the tent tug one way and then the other
      as
      the ropes were pulled taut and staked out. My fellow soldiers worked
      with
      amazing speed and coordination. About five of us put up the tent
      while
      another three or four set to work on the stove.

      The tents were heated by a small stove known as a Yukon stove, or a
      Yuke for short. The Yuke was capable of burning wood, coal, or any
      solid fuel. Yes, even buffalo chips if we could have found any.
      It's
      primary
      fuel source was gasoline though. A five-gallon can was placed on a
      tripod
      outside the tent with a rubber fuel hose snaking under the side of
      the tent
      and up to a steel valve and drip chamber positioned over a burner
      plate in
      the top of the stove. There was a five section chimney attached to
      the back
      of the stove that extended out through the roof. When the stove was
      lit, it
      made a slight roaring/rumbling sound as air was sucked into the top
      of the
      stove around the burner plate and the gasoline was burned "safely"
      inside
      the stove. When the tent was up, the ahkio was closed up and
      everything
      was done, we gathered around the stove chanting YUKE! YUKE! YUKE!
      like
      a bunch of pyromaniacs relishing the heat that it provided. When
      operating
      at the correct temperature, an area of slightly reddened metal formed
      on the
      sides of the box-like stove. The spot was referred to as a cherry,
      and would
      get larger as the drip valve was opened up. The cherry could even
      extend
      back to the chimney at the back of the stove if too much heat was
      produced,
      but that's another story.

      We cleared away as much snow as possible and laid down our air
      mattresses
      and sleeping bags and prepared for supper. The Yukon stove was
      excellent
      for cooking C-rations on. It was about sixteen inches wide by about
      thirty-six ( Web ate the
      sentence
      )
      from my soldiers and bedded down where they told me to. They were
      good to
      me and my eternal respect for the 11B (combat infantryman) began to
      grow
      that day. Whenever there is a fire going in a tent, there must be a
      fireguard
      awake at all times to watch for any danger. Unfortunately for the
      fireguard,
      if
      the gas can runs out on his watch, he gets to go out and change it.
      My
      adventures on Operation Kris Kringle were just beginning as I was to
      discover
      over the several days. More later........

      Doc Chuck



      Hi Buffalo,

      The following program is scheduled for Monday evening 11/5/01 9:00 PM
      EST on
      the History Channel.

      9:00 Winter Warriors. Traces the story of the U.S. Army's
      legendary 10th
      Mountain Division. They were formed after WWII began, specifically to
      fight
      in high, rugged mountain conditions. After training in the Colorado
      Rockies,
      they were sent to Italy's Apennines to take on well-entrenched
      Germans. Using
      a combination of mountain skills and raw courage, they drove the
      Germans
      back, and helped win the war in Italy. Later, former members of the
      10th
      helped create many of the country's ski resorts, including Aspen and
      Vail.
      CC [TV G]

      Looks like it should be an interesting program. I know that I'm
      going to be
      watching. We might even see an ahkio or a Yukon stove :-) This
      program
      came along at just the right time to fit in with the "Arctic Tales".

      "Doc" Chuck


      ~~~~


      So sorry to read about your brother. I wouldn't know what to do
      without mine.

      After serving for two tours and an extension in Viet Nam as a Seabee,
      I was due to go to Long Beach for discharge in May 1970. My brother
      was on a DE in Hawaii and as luck would have it, the flight back to
      the States was to stop in Hawaii for one hour. We were able to meet
      and the meeting lasted for three hours due to flight delays. Even
      after 31 years I can still remember that meeting and how good the
      fiid tasted.

      Speaking of food, I found my "John Wayne" not long ago and it brought
      back so many memories. The best combination in the C rats was the
      pound cake smeared with grape jelly. Or the pears.

      David Smith
      ~~~~

      Hi Buffalo
      I have a suggestion for David Moore of Flintville, TN. He can
      download pop-up stopper free from www.panicware.com. I have been
      using it for several weeks and swear by it.
      Jim Mc Quain

      ~~~~~

      Hi Buffalo,

      I was reluctant to write about your "John Waynes" until I read
      today's chips. 10-29-01. In my first hitch in the Army, 62-65, we
      called them P-38's. Mine actually had my birth year on it (1944) and
      I carried it and one of my notched dogtags on my keyring long after
      my time in the military ran out. I quit at 11-9 and 28days. Got fed
      up with R.E.M.F."s

      As one of your respondents wrote; Green Eggs and Ham. Was Dr. Seuss
      in the Army too? C Rats were good to me, Series K we had from who
      knows where? L.R.R.P.'s self explanatory but I never had the dubious
      honor of having eaten M.R.E.s. From guys that I knew in Korea when I
      was there as a Contractor, they weren't nearly as good as the C's.

      A hole in the ground and a wee bit of C-4 did a real good job of
      heating the C's. L.R.R.P.'s to me were best eaten just as they were
      and a half cup of water following just as the Japanese and Koreans
      ate rice raw and drank a little water. Filled their bellies and
      staved off hunger for a little longer.

      The P-38 and dogtag got lost in Korea in 93 I think. Walking to work
      up hill 180 from the Song Tan Si side of the camp. (Osan AFB) I
      walked back home and then back to work again but never did find the
      key ring. Nine miles that day but it didn't hurt me. No field pack
      and all of the other stuff that we used to hump.

      Grins and Giggles, my first tour over seas was in Korea. Forgotten
      names. Paju Ri, CC1, CC2, Munsan Ni and God only knows the names of
      some of the others. Been from one end to the other now. Munsan to
      Pusan. Total time in four times over amounted to 7+years.

      Keep up the good work Bill. I like both of your E-Zines and really
      enjoy the readers comments.

      Oldcat

      Buf,
      Just saw in your Chips file, a little late in reading it, but the can
      openers were called P-38's, which were stamped on them by the
      manufacture, so we always called them that, and yes, they always
      ended up on our belt clips with the keys we had charge of. I was
      a "tin can" sailor for my Navy career, so it was always a joke that
      we used to use our P-38's to get out of the tin cans. But during my
      20 years, I stayed with the Greyhounds through the Frigate Class when
      I retired in 1981. You should mention that you were always on the
      AS's or AR's (forgot which), or were you a bird farmer too ?
      Different life with 280 guys on board vs 2 thousand. Enjoy your
      newsletter, keep it between the swells of the waves.
      Jingles, USN-Ret


      When I was Dead and Alive at the Same Time

      In the military war games are common. I was stationed
      in Salina, Kansas at Schilling AFB a SAC base,(since closed) when we
      had
      a simulated attack. My alternate duty was to load nukes on B-47's.
      My
      crew had finished the task and was resting in a hut where about 50 a-
      bombs
      were stashed when it was time for lunch. We were given passes to eat
      at
      the mess hall. The passes enabled us to physically travel to eat,
      but we
      were logically still in the hut, sheltered from bombing attacks.
      After
      we ate we tried to re-enter the secure sight, but the Air Police said
      we
      couldnt because the road had been destroyed by an attack. I showed
      him my
      papers that effectively said we werent really there, we were supposed
      to be
      physically in a hut. The Air Policeman didnt relent, so we tried an
      alternate route. We tried to sneak into the secure field threw an
      unguarded
      fence. Alas, a different Air Police group stopped us and asked us
      what we
      were doing trying to break into a secure area. Again I stated we
      were not
      really
      here, we were in a hut and the Police at the main entrance wouldnt
      allow us in
      because the road was destroyed during a mock raid. This time the Air
      Police,
      not part of the drill, stated you cannot come into this area. The
      policeman in
      charge settled the issue by giving us a red tag, signaling we were
      dead. I guess we
      were alive in the hut, but I never found out. I was afraid to go
      into the hut, I
      might meet myself.

      B.J. Cassady
      Guthrie, Okla



      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Parting Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      The company I work for offers tours through the historic district of
      Annapolis, MD, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing. While
      leading a
      group, one of our guides, Dave, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist.

      He went to the hospital, and as he sat in the emergency room, a
      policeman
      walked by. Doing a double take at Dave in his 18th-century garb, he
      asked,

      "Just how long have you been waiting?"



      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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