Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
The daughter spent the night with us last night and she brought
her cat over for a visit because Woogie had been through a
traumatic experience the day before.
When Buffy got home from work , Woogie hadn't rushed out
to greet her so she called her cat. She heard a muffled meow
coming from somewher and started looking. Living in a basement
she figured the cat might have found some way to get into a wall
or the ceiling and get trapped. After a few minutes she still hadn't
found her but had narrowed the search to her bedroom. Finally
she noticed the lid of her hamper was closed and there was
Woogie curled up on a pile of laundry, where she had crawled probably
looking for a warm place to hide . Although she had
grown up as an indoor/ outdoor cat she has no love for the cold
and prefers a heat register or the daughter's electric blanket for a
Hope you enjoy the chips and you are having a nice weekend.
BTW our latest poll has 300 answers so far and Pat writes:
I have decided to leave my computer OFF except the first 4 days of the
month. I will be running the maintenance programs at that time. How's
You can still check out our poll and add your $.02 or for the
international crowd at:
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Space Chips Via Rubin
In Brooklyn, Sol Goldstein is startled when a flying
saucer lands beside him. From the saucer exits a
beautiful female who tells him that she is from
the planet Pluto. Sol notices that her skin is green,
and she has three breasts, four arms, and six legs.
The woman assures him that all women on Pluto look
like she does. Sol also notices that every finger on
her four arms sports one or more rings with huge
diamonds or other precious stones,and every wrist is
heavy with gold bracelets. When Sol asks, "Are there any
women on Pluto who don't wear all of that jewelry?"
the woman replies, "Only the shiksas."
shiksas = non-Jewish women
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Do You Need This?
It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during
II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right
Pensacola skipping boot camp.
The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the
All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him
an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6
Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese
shot them all down, too.
Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the
came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy,
climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he
sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one velly
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A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going
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"I had the strangest dream last night," Morris was telling his
psychiatrist. "I saw my mother, but when she turned around to
look at me, I noticed that she had your face. As you can imagine,
I found this very disturbing. In fact I woke up immediately, and
couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for
morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right
over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain
the meaning of this strange dream."
The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding:
"A Coke? That's a breakfast?"
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I was recovering from surgery when a charity representative
phoned asking me to take part in a door-to-door fund-raising
effort. "Sorry," I replied, "but I've been incapacitated."
Undaunted, the caller kept trying to convince me to change
my mind and volunteer.
I interrupted and said, "I'm incapacitated. Do you know what
She hesitated. "It means your head was cut off?"
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A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she
was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He
went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.
The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted
through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the
unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.
"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Are you happy?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Happier than you were with me?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"
"I'm not in Heaven, dear."
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Following are a few gems taken from actual resumes:
"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require pre-
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't
let them know of my immediate availability."
"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity,
and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'.
I have never quit a job."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: "Responsibility makes me
"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every
morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I
am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least
partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and
that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the ap-
plication of more rarefied facets of financial management as
the major sphere of responsibility."
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. Since I have no training
in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."
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From The Buffalos Mail Box
Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors
around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )
Your tale about your snowblower made me think about vehicle care and
maintenance that was required in the arctic region. While I had left
my own vehicle at home and flew to Alaska, I knew several people who
had taken their cars and trucks to Fort Wainwright with them. Some
of the vehicles had been driven to Alaska on the Al-Can or Alaskan-
Canadian Highway. Others had been transported to Anchorage by ferry,
then driven up to Fairbanks. They all had to be prepared the same
way, and the main difference between them was that the driven
vehicles had rock guards to protect them from the large gravel pieces
that made up parts of the Al-Can.
All of the vehicles had to have three devices attached to make them
operable in the extreme cold. They needed to be tuned up and have
their batteries serviced each fall. They all had engine heaters
installed, either coolant heaters, or block heaters to keep the
lightweight engine oil thin enough to circulate. The other two
devices were focused on the battery.
There was a blanket heater that wrapped around the battery, and there
was a trickle charger that continually fed a 1 to 2 amp charge into
the battery. Each of these three devices were plugged into a power
strip at the front of the vehicle and then an extension cord came out
through the grill and plugged into an electrical outlet in the
parking lot. Parking spaces had electrical outlets all over the post
and all over town.
The parking lot at the local department store had gates to get into
and out of, just like at an airport. There were hitching post like
structures at the head of the parking spaces with electrical outlets
all along their length.
The shoppers were able to park their vehicle and plug it in their
heater/charger equipment while they were inside the store. The
shoppers were then given vouchers by the cashier when they made a
purchase that allowed them to park for free. If they didn't buy
anything, they had to pay to get out of the parking lot.
Still, unless a vehicle was driven regularly, this was not enough to
keep it running. Following a two week winter exercise, I had to help
a friend restore life to his car. It had been plugged in all the
time, but the 5 weight oil had frozen and the engine would not turn
over. The most common cure for this was taking a metal garbage can
lid and filling it with charcoal briquettes. Once the fire died down
and a bed of red hot coals had formed, the garbage can lid was slid
under the engine. It was left in place for up to an hour before
attempts were made to start the engine. That usually did the trick,
but care still had to be taken when starting to drive, because other
vehicle parts, like the transmission, differential, and the
suspension were still extremely stiff and prone to damage until they
The side windows and rear window also had a thick plastic sheet
applied to them during the winter months. The sheet created a thin
air pocket inside that kept the window and the sheet clear. Every
part of the glass was heavily frosted over except for the area under
the plastic sheet. Alaska was the only place that I ever saw that
method used, it worked pretty good.
I was glad to have left my own vehicle at home in northeast Iowa. It
only gets down to about -20 to -30 where I live, but this has been a
mild winter so far. I have never had a block heater, battery
blanket, or trickle charger installed on any of my vehicles, and they
have usually started in the dead of winter. Pulling spark plugs in
the driveway at -25 degrees is not an activity that I would recommend
to anyone. Nor do I recommend the charcoal engine heating method,
but it worked in Alaska. I also did a tune-up on my brother-in-law's
Plymouth in similar conditions about 20 years ago. Bummer, but it
ran pretty good when I was done. Keep those engines running, and
take it easy on the snow and ice.
Keep Up The Fire!
Firearms refresher Course From Westpac
a. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
b. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
c. Glock: The original point and click interface.
d. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
e. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
f. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
g. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
h. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.
i. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
j. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights reserved.
k. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
l. The Second Amendment is in place in case they ignore the others.
m. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
n. Guns only have two enemies: rust and liberals.
o. Know guns, know peace and safety. No guns, no peace nor safety.
p. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
q. 911 - government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
r. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
s. Criminals love gun control - it makes their jobs safer.
t. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
u. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control
v. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
w. Enforce the "gun control laws" we have, don't make more.
x. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
y. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.
z. "...a government of the people, by the people, for the people..."
On January 23rd members of Congress will reconvene to pick up where
they left off in December and debate issues of national interest.
Shortly after Jan 23rd, the Senate will continue its debate on the
Farm Bill. Much has been written about the farm bill and about the
farm subsidy system. We at Farm Aid encourage you to read the short
essay below by Jim Hightower, the former Texas Commissioner of
Agriculture, to learn how your tax dollars (in the form of farm
subsidies) benefited Charles Schwab, the well known billionaire
As Hightower concludes, the original purpose of the farm subsidy
program was designed to help struggling small farmers stay on their
land. After reading this essay, if so moved, please call your
senators and urge them to support farm policies that strengthen
family farmers, not corporate mega-farms and billionaires. Capitol
Hill Switchboard: 202-224-3121.
Farm Aid works with family farm organizations across the country that
are fighting for a fair farm bill that will support family farmers ?
not factory farms. As a not-for-profit organization Farm Aid relies
on grants and donations to continue our work. If you share our
devotion to fair and just farm policies that keep family farmers
producing America?s food, please consider making a tax-deductible
gift to Farm Aid. Donations can be made online at:
HIGHTOWER: Charles Schwab's Ducky Deal
Jim Hightower, AlterNet
January 8, 2002
Charles Schwab is one lucky duck. Not only is he a billionaire
stockbroker, heading the Wall Street firm that bears his family name,
but he also has his own, private duck-hunting club on 1,500 acres of
wetlands in picturesque Northern California.
He calls his place Casa de Patos, which is Spanish for House of
Ducks. However, ducks don't read, so they're unaware that Charlie
named his place for the birds and that they're supposed to swoop down
from their migratory path to get a close enough for Schwab and his
duck-loving friends to shoot at them. Also, while you and I know from
his ubiquitous ads that Charles is a hot-shot Wall Street
Stockbroker, your average duck doesn't watch a lot of tv and wouldn't
know Charles Schwab from a cotton swab. But Schwab knows that his
feathered friends are attracted to rice fields, so, to lure more of
the game birds within gunshot range, Charles has had much of Casa de
Patos planted in rice.
Here's where the story turns deliciously ducky for Schwab. As you
might expect, he didn't get to be a billionaire by spending his money
foolishly. No, instead he spends your money foolishly. Charles
Schwab, billionaire duck man, discovered the federal farm program.
Specifically, his legal beagles determined that as a rice grower,
Schwab was eligible for rice subsidies from us taxpayers. Lots of
subsidies. The bottom line here is that you and I, Mr. and Ms. Joe
Schmoe Taxpayer, fork over some $500,000 a year in federal crop-
support funds so Schwab can be sure that guests at his exclusive
hunting club have plenty of ducks to kill.
The farm program was originally meant to help struggling small
farmers -- not a pleasure seeking Wall Streeter with a net worth of
some $4 billion. With program perveters like Schwab, we taxpayers are
This is Jim Hightower saying ... To help stop cheaters like Charlie,
and to return the farm program to real farmers, contact, Farm Aid:
I also lived in a house that was ruled by cats (siamese) who adored
my wife. Me they tolerated as they did our family dog (a
daschound). Over the years we had 3 different cats and an equal
number of dogs and I must confess they got on famously together.
One of my most vivid memories is of a few years ago when our last cat
became ill with bowel and kidney problems. My wife , in an effort to
reduce Vet costs, decided to treat the cat at home. Needless to say
I was the corpsman she called upon to administer the treatments.
Buffalo, you haven't lived until you have given a Siamese Cat an
enema every day for 10 days. I lost over a pint of blood, could not
be seen in public for a month because of facial, hand and arm
scratches ( and a fear my wife would be arrested for spousal abuse)
and the greatest indignity- - had to clean about 20 pounds of VERY
loose cat chips out of my garage.
Unfortunately, the treatments did not work and we had to put the cat
down. But the experience-ah the experience.....Ray USN/RET
I thought you might see the the humor in this. After having water in
the fuel of your snow blower. I took my small boat out so my brother
could take same pictures of gators in the wild. We had a week of rain
and like a dummy i didn't cover my fuel tanks [got water in both
tanks] the motor ran six miles down river at an idle before it
stopped and i had to row all the way back to the truck. But at least
it was a nice day weather wise 75 deg or so.
"Those who desire to give up Freedom in order to gain
Security, will not have, nor do they deserve, either one."
Buffalo says Once was funny mike but I am up to my horns in snow
right now heh heh
I call this one;
"For Now and Then"
When I was small and the world was tall,
There was magic everywhere.
Like Trick-or-Treat, and small bare feet,
And snowflakes in the air.
We played outside 'till midnight,
In the fragrant summer night...
Our souls set free, we strove to be,
Like young birds taking flight.
There was such joy in simple things,
And fear was just a word.
We had no clue that down the road,
It would be most common heard.
But Oh, the world is different now,
Our innocence is lost.
There is no childhood magic now,
At what a cruel cost.
I long for time to turn around,
Back to those idyllic hours.
But innocence and peace can't thrive,
In the Land of Fallen Towers.
Perhaps some day. Peace will return...
I hope I'm here to see,
The children laugh and play again,
Their joy unbound and free.
Until that day, I'll do my best.
And I'll pray hard every night.
that evil darkness be undone,
And LOVE rule, shining bright.
by Miki Buchanan 01-16-2002
I found one for the Doc:
It's forty below zero one winter night in Alaska. Pat is drinking at
his local saloon and the bartender says to him, "You owe me quite a
bit on your tab."
"Sorry," says Pat, "I'm flat broke this week."
"That's okay," says the bartender. "I'll just write your name and the
amount you owe me right here on the wall."
"But," says Pat, "I don't want any of my friends to see that."
"They won't," says the bartender. "I'll just hang your parka over it
until it's paid."
Apology to Martin from TX
My mistake about the starting of this country. I understand that MEN
started this country. Many men were great and honest. Thanks to the
ones that make this country great. The scum and trash deserves a
garbage can. A lot of MEN stole, killed, and bribed to get their way
in forming this country. Blood, sweat, tears, and most importantly
prayers of MEN, WOMEM, and CHILDREN formed this nation to be one of
the GREATEST NATIONS that has ever been. WHY?
I was taught in Government schools and have since found out that
their text books are written to control the minds of the public and
whitewash actual Historical events like why was the civil war started
between the north and the south? Slavery or bad Northern Politics.
Books or any readable material can control the minds of people.
Hitler said that if he could write the textbooks, he could control
the minds of the people. Who writes the books?
We (Men, women, and children) chose what we want to become, what we
believe, and how we want to behave. However are we accountable to
someone greater than us, maybe a creator, or did we come from a frog
or a fish? The answer will come in the clouds with glory and great
power says the book that I like to read. Choose. But choose wisely.
It's our choice!!!! I try not to and will not force my Christian
evangelism on anyone. Everyone in this country has the choice by law
of man and God to chose their own savior.
With Love for fellow countrymen and all around the world, Thanks for
all you did to make this a great country.
Hank in MS
Thank you to your unnamed reader who correctly identified Benjamin
Franklin as the author of the quote on the tradeoffs between security
and freedom. Now if we could get the quote right we might have
something to discuss with a bit more weight than the defects and
deficiencies of our last few Presidents.
In the Historical Review of Pennsylvania in 1759 (about the time
Buffalo enlisted in the Navy) Franklin wrote - "They that can give up
essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither
liberty nor safety."
Of course this is the same man who also advised that "A cat in gloves
catches no mice."
This is not to suggest that Jefferson was any slouch at creating
thought-provoking gems which remain very relevant today.
In 1816 he wrote to Charles Yankee, "If a nation expects to be
ignorant and free, in a state of civilization, it expects what never
was and never will be."
Later that year he wrote to Du Pont de Nemours, "Enlighten the people
generally, and tyranny and oppressions of the body and mind will
vanish like evil spirits at the dawn of day."
I would be interested to hear if other readers think that some or any
of these thoughts are relevant to America today.
Park City, Utah USA
Little Boy and the 100 dollars
I laughed uncontrollably for a good 2-3 min at that one! I agree that
jokes that catch you off guard like that are the best. And for
was offended all I can say is, it's a JOKE people, isn't that what you
expect to find on a JOKE LIST? loosen up, there are plenty of things
life to get upset about but a joke is NOT one of them. If ya don't
move on to the next one }:>
WooHoo it's snowing here in Colorado! I know some of you east coasters
probably hate me for that one huh?
How I failed my first driving test and passed the
second - My father had a DeSoto with automatic shift.
I learned to drive on this car. The day of my driving
test he decided not to let me use it and I borrowed
the Pastor's car. Fr Frank Kett lent me his huge Nash
Ambassador with standard shift. Buddy Houseman, later
an NYPD sargeant tried to get me ready in an hour. I
could drive it but the nerves that came as I started
out had me thinking of my last mistake so i kept
making them. Each was progressively worse than the
last which was going through a red light. My father
then had one of his co-workers teach me how to drive a
car properly. Mop, his nickname had been Frank
Costello's driver. He taught me how to drive so a
passenger would never spill a drop of coffee from a
cup when stopping the car. I never drove standard
shift again till the cab company i was working part
time for shifted over to that mode of transmission,
but that is another story.
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Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever
possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she
washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to
my father, "Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer
because I washed this dress by hand."
"Good," my dad quickly replied. "Wash it again!"
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From: Saint Peter
Date: Jan 20, 2002 A.D.
RE: Don't die yet!
In order to speed the registration process at the Pearly Gates, we've
started using Microsoft Access and we're having problems.
PLEASE DON'T DIE YET!
Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean